Verizon Wireless Screwed Me Out of $100

Verizon Wireless has the best product for phone service. I really never have issues with my coverage, and my network is able to pop up Twitter when I need it.

That being said, their customer service is absolute shit. I spent way too many hours on the phone just trying to get what was rightfully mine, and they were ready and waiting to find a way to screw me out of $100. But let's go back to the beginning.

My wife was due for a new phone around Thanksgiving. On Black Friday, I braved the crowds to go to the Verizon store and see what kind of a deal I could get her. I found out that I could get $200 off a Galaxy S6, and then another $100 credit from her phone being two years old. This sounds great to me. The guy lets me know that the deal only lasts through the weekend, which is no big deal, as we can just stop by the next day and get it taken care of.

So, we cruise in on Saturday morning to just get it done and over with, and when I ask about the deal, I am informed that the deal was only good for Black Friday. Now that $200 off is only $100 off. I confidently notified that I was told it lasted through the weekend, as clearly, they would honor that deal. They did not, and had no intention of giving me anything more than their current offers. This did not sit well with me, but I refused to give up.

I contacted Verizon's customer service, still confident that they would quickly take care of this situation. I talked to the first person, and they were surprisingly unable to help me. Undeterred, I asked to speak with their supervisor. He was only willing to get me that same deal that the store was offering, and I had to inform him that that deal was not good enough. We went back and forth on this being all that he could do until finally he became so exasperated that he got his supervisor on the line.

This is where things got more interesting. The third-tier of Verizon customer service was parroting a lot of what the other two had been saying. But I brought up that clearly they give credits for different things, so couldn't they do that since I was given bad information, and I was literally calling nine hours after the deal had expired, thinking I still had 39 hours to do it. Our conversation went something like this:

Verizon: Well, I could do that, but if I did that in this situation it wouldn't go through.
Me: Why not?
Verizon: Well, it would get flagged since there wouldn't be proper reason for it.
Me: Well, just do it anyway, and if it gets flagged, then I can deal with that later.
Verizon: I can't.
Me: You just said you could.
Verizon: Well, it would probably get flagged, and ethically, it wouldn't be right.

It was at this point that I brought up the fact that ethically, a business should honor their words to their customers, so the only ethical solution would be to give me my rightful discount. When asked, "Wouldn't giving me the discount be the ethical thing to do?" he started stammering over his words and tried to get off the ethics conversation.

After nearly an hour and a half, he finally told me that his supervisor would call me back during the week since they don't work on the weekends. I said that was fine, and that I would be looking forward to their call, as I was not ready to give up on getting what was rightfully mine.

Those garbage people never called me back.

Then a combination of life getting in the way ad me not really wanting to deal with another hour on the phone with customer service delayed my plan nearly two months as it got near the middle of January. I was finally bored enough to deal with it and again got on the phone with their customer service team. They started saying very similar things, and then stated that had I purchased the phone when I first spoke with them on the phone, maybe they could have given me the necessary credit to get me the full discount, but since I didn't buy it then, there was nothing they could do.

This was absolutely complete and utter crap, as had I already bought the phone, they would have said that I agreed to that deal, and had I waited to talk to someone else, maybe they could have given me the proper deal. It's a great strategy for screwing people over; it's just horribly dishonest and despicable.

Anyway, after another hour on the phone, I finally broke and just got the phone. If the phone was for myself, I would have waited it out and kept spending hours on the phone with customer service, but the only person who was suffering was my wife who was stuck with her old, crappy phone. The good news is that she really likes the new phone, so props to Samsung for making a quality product.

Verizon Wireless, you screwed me out of $100. Please give me the money you owe me. Thanks.

A Comprehensive Breakdown of Values.com's "Dishes" Commercial

I was doing some reading with the TV on in the background this weekend, and all of a sudden, a commercial came on and caught my attention. The music was awful, but the scenes were absolutely amazing. It was made for Values.com, which, I don't totally understand how they make money, but good for them, because this commercial is wonderful.

Now let's go over the highlights and what we can learn from Values.com

Oh, yes! What a wonderful start. He awkwardly grabs for her hand, but she pulls away and ignores him. Great job by her with the Demonstration of Higher Value (DHV). Her DHV showed that she has better places to be, and doesn't have time for that hand-holding bullshit. That is the face of a broken man.

Her problem is she doesn't stick to The Game, and immediately shows a DLV, demonstration of lower value, by trying to kiss him when he has his hands full and is talking on his cell phone. Listen lady, if you want him to become assistant manager at Staples, he's going to have to nail his printer paper demo today, and nothing will distract him from success.

Now I don't want to be the guy to say, "Bitches be crazy," but bitches be crazy. She's disappointed in him for sleeping. She thinks back to a fonder time when he was just part-time at Staples, and he never slept. Sure they were living in her parents' basement, but they had each other. Now he just sleeps in the house they inherited when her parents were killed in that Iditarod accident. It's not fair to her.

This is by far my favorite one. Wifey has bought a new dress, and she is feeling fresh. She can't wait to show her man. Luckily, he is walking by, but he ain't got time to give his opinion on that, and she is BROKEN, because he needed to text his buddy about the new girl, Alice, bringing plain when he asked for a glossy ream of paper.

Also, who texts with their middle finger? Was there an accident at Staples? Why is he not using the pointer or his thumbs? Honestly, this is the only behavior that should truly concern his wife.

The grand finale of the commercial is what truly ties everything together for these sociopaths.

When she dropped his phone in that water, I thought he was going to hit her. I thought I was about to see the most shocking domestic violence commercial of all time.

Then the final message of the commercial is to listen, but the problems were that they broke a device designed for listening, and they never actually managed to get any words out of their mouths. The lesson should have been Pay Attention, because those two were awful at paying attention to each other. The message also could've been Never Nap, because ladies hate napping husbands. Honestly, the ideal message would have been Use a Normal Finger When Texting on Your Phone, So You Don't Look Like A Damn Creep When You're Typing Away With Your Middle Finger Like a Dingus, and You'll Probably Drop Your Phone in Dishwater and Feel Like an Asshole and Have to Fight the Urge to Beat Your Wife.

But I guess that's just not as catchy.

Rumblr Is the Greatest App Ever Made

Our phones are running our lives these days. Checking email, Twitter, The Facebook Dot Com, not to mention paying bills, and with the advent of Tinder, you can even pick up potential mates. It's truly amazing, and yet none of these things compare to technology's greatest invention, the greatest app ever made. That's right; I'm talking about Rumblr.

What is Rumblr, you ask? Oh, Rumblr is just an app for your phone where you can find and meet people who have a similar interest as you. That similar interest? Fighting. Yep, you can just open up your app, find someone in your area, and see if they'd like to throw down behind the local Publix or Hy-Vee Grocery Store. I mean, you don't have to fight behind the grocery store, but that was the choice spot back in my day.

But it gets better. It is not just for fighters, as you can also just look for fights happening in your area and see two random shitheads throw down in the parking lot by the tennis courts (this was a secondary spot for fights back in my day). Let's face it; there is nothing more compelling than two people fighting. You can't not watch. I will admit that watching people fight can be sickening when watching one dominate another, but it can also be hilarious, like when one person could dominate another, but instead decides to hump them into emasculation instead (this is a thing I have witnessed).

I mean, the people who came up with Tinder did a great job by helping people hook up with other sexy singles, but this is simply on another level. Finally, an app that will allow you to schedule a late-night meet-up, or should I say beat-up session in front of the local sporting goods store (this was a desperation spot for us when we needed to watch a fight).

The only disappointing thing about this app is that it is only coming out to the first 2000 people that signed up, and they're rolling it out on iPhones first. I'm likely not a part of that first 2000, and second, iPhone users lack grit. These iPhone fighters are more likely to do verbal sparring about their Ivy School's graduation rate. Once they roll it out for Android users, you'll start seeing some real fighting going on. And Heaven help us if they ever find a way to roll it out for old school Nokia phone users, because I will finally live my dream of seeing two guys fight each other with taped fists, tarred and covered in broken glass, the way Jesus always envisioned.

So, yeah, I'm pretty excited about Rumblr.