Showing posts with label Fighting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fighting. Show all posts

Monday, February 17, 2020

Longing for the Good Ol' Days of MMA

I used to love mixed martial arts. I would watch all the fights. It didn’t matter if it was in America, Japan, Russia, or Poland, I could find interesting things on cards all around the world. And now, it seems as there are maybe two fights a month that I even bother watching. If anything, there should be more talent in the sport which would lead to a better product. So why am I not into it? Ultimately, I think the talent is the problem.

It seems the greater the talent, the less exciting the fights become, and you just can’t match the excitement of early UFC cards. I’m a bad fan in that I love the Royce Gracie era as much as anything that has happened in mixed martial arts. Those fights were memorable. I remember him taking on the one-gloved boxer, Art Jimmerson and Jimmerson tapping out even though Royce didn’t even do anything to him on the ground yet. I remember Ken Shamrock tapping out but then trying to continue the fight. And I remember Royce Gracie holding his choke just a little bit long on Gerard Gordeau because that dude was a nasty son of a bitch.

I think about the best fighters of today, and although they are head and shoulders above that original crew, how many have truly memorable fights? I loved GSP, but honestly, his two most memorable fights are his two losses where he got caught in an armbar by Matt Hughes and caught with every punch imaginable by Matt Serra.

Jon Jones is the greatest fighter in the world, but I don’t vividly remember any of his fights. I remember the elbows he dropped on Matt Hamill, the armbar he escaped from Vitor Belfort, and that nasty ass choke he put on Lyoto Machida, but are any of his fights actually memorable? I know the Gustaffson and second Cormier fights were close (until Cormier got caught), but it’s not like I remember much of the back and forth.

Heck, I’m not even sure if I can name all of the champions, without looking, I think it’s Cejudo, Cejudo, Volkanovski, Khabib, Usman, Adesanya, Jones, and Miocic. For women it’s Zhang, Schevenko, and Nunes. Now there are more champions these days, but I could have named them in UFC, Pride, and Strikeforce back in the day. I think Horiguchi and Bader are Bellator champs but have no clue of anyone else.

It’s just not as much fun anymore. When I think about all the fighters I would love to see on a dream card, none of them are active today. Let’s just put out ten guys that would be super fun: Cro Cop, Wanderlei, Royce, Pudzianowski, Sakuraba, Mark Kerr, Hong Man Choi, Minowaman, Lesnar, and Akebono. Now, I’m going to use a random number generator to make the fights:

Cro Cop vs. Royce Gracie
Hong Man Choi vs. Akebono
Sakuraba vs. Wanderlei Silva
Mark Kerr vs. Brock Lesnar
Pudzianowski vs. Minowaman

Good God, I would not only watch that card with everyone in their primes, I would watch that card today, and consider it the greatest gift of entertainment in this world. The one exception is Kerr/Lesnar which, in their primes, maybe the hypest I could be for any fight in MMA history, and if it were to happen now I would pay money to make sure that doesn’t happen. Also, sorry to not put a women’s match in there, but I did not need to see the man vs. woman dynamic, and the greatest women’s fight has already happened so there is no point to ever try topping it.


I know, it makes me a terrible person to yearn for the freakshow matches, but the heart wants what the heart wants. And it’s not like I could make a better UFC card with current champions facing top contenders in fresh matchups.

155 - Khabib vs. Gaethje
170 - Usman vs. Masvidal
185 - Adesanya vs. Romero
205 - Jones vs. Johnny Walker
HWT - Stipe vs. Curtis Blaydes

Okay, so Khabib/Gaethje would own, obviously, but it’s a significant dropoff from there. I even put in Johnny Walker just for funsies. Hell, I couldn’t do it with classic champions taking on current champions.

155 - BJ Penn vs. Khabib
170 - Matt Hughes vs. Usman
185 - Anderson Silva vs. Adesanya
205 - Chuck Liddell vs. Jones
HWT - Tim Sylvia vs. Miocic

That list of fights isn’t nearly as exciting, and that’s even with me putting in Tim Sylvia in the main event.

I don’t know. Clearly the skills are much better, and it’s not like there aren’t a ton of exciting finishes, but I feel like the UFC has made itself the star, and it’s really hard to care about personalities in today’s world of mixed martial arts. Even though guys got like 30 seconds to explain themselves at early UFC events, you actually saw a personality, and I guess it was wonderful to see how delusional they were to think people would believe that they were 400-0. Now I feel like every fighter is varying degrees of Cowboy Cerrone, kind of stupid, tougher than I could ever imagine to be, and thinking that they are the best in every area but taught well enough to give their opponents respect instead of speaking their truth. Why should I care?

But damn, thinking about that Kerr/Lesnar fight in their primes, now that is something that I would very much care about.

Monday, September 9, 2019

2019 WWE Brawl for All: Sin Cara vs. Apollo Crews

Round one of Brawl for All is finally coming to an end with today's matchup. Jonah's picks won the first three matchups before my guys won the next four, so now it's time to see if Jonah has the magic to get his fourth winner with his #2 seed taking on a guy who is just really happy to be in the tournament as he generally seems to be happy anywhere.

Jonah’s #2 Sin Cara vs. Joe’s #7 Apollo Crews
Jonah: Sin Cara is the king of backstage fights, he’s a legit tough guy who doesn’t mind scrapping. Apollo Crews is a big athletic dude, but Sin Cara is like Finley, he loves to fight. He’s taking this matchup by first round knockout, sorry Apollo.


Joe: No need to Apollogize. I do think dismissing Apollo out of hand could be a mistake. He went to a military high school, and I know that you love military stuff, Jonah. He played a bunch of sports and got the nickname Uhaa Nation, because his football coach thought he was as strong as an entire nation. 


I will say that Sin Cara must have some skills as I found at least three times he’s been in fights with other wrestlers, and at worst the fights were even as there are no claims of him getting his ass kicked. Is it probably true that he beat up Sheamus, had a draw with Jericho, and got disqualified for illegal coke can to the face against Simon Gotch?


Jonah: Backstage brawls are no DQ so he’s undefeated. Apollo is a great athlete, but never underestimate the advantage that not being afraid to fight and probably enjoying it gives Sin Cara. He knocks out smiling nice guy Apollo.


Joe: Well, first off, I would very much like to underestimate the advantage of not being afraid to fight, because it is about as minuscule as something can be, especially in a controlled environment. Most great UFC fighters admit that they are scared when they enter the cage, because that’s a normal human reaction. Fighting is not about sprinting forward and throwing haymakers until somebody drops unless the two people fighting are really, really bad at it. 


Secondly, yeah, I am fine with giving Sin Cara the edge in this one, but I will say it goes the distance since it’s not easy to knock a coordinated person out (sucker punches excepted). I know Bart Gunn did it a lot in the original but SO MUCH MORE is known about fighting these days that most guys will be smart enough to fight with some semblance of defense in this tournament.


Jonah: OK fine it goes the distance, I don’t mean fighting in terms of just moving forward, I mean kind of liking to fight. Someone who’s Sin Cara’s size who doesn’t mind fighting much larger people means he knows what he’s doing.


Joe: It does not mean that. There are plenty of people that are always willing to fight who monumentally suck at it.


Jonah: True, but he’s constantly winning against fellow pro wrestlers, he knows how to fight.


Thursday, September 27, 2018

How to Solve UFC's Weight Cutting Problem

Guys missing weight seems to get more common with each year in the UFC. You would think that people would get better at making weight, but instead, they have gotten so good at cutting weight that they assume that they can make any weight, when really, they can only make certain weights in ideal circumstances.

The sad thing is that these guys barely get punished, and a lot of times, they are rewarded. Sure they lose 20% of their purse, but considering that not having to cut all of that weight makes them stronger in the fight and could help them win, that win bonus more than makes up for any money lost. Hell, Darren Till missed weight badly, barely got by Stephen Thompson, and was awarded with a title shot at a weight he did not even make. That's insane.

So, here is my simple solution. If a guy misses weight, he can't compete at that weight for a year. Personally, I would like it to be two years, but I will settle for one year. If they miss it twice, they are no longer allowed to compete at that weight. And by missing weight, I would also include the many athletes that are hospitalized during their weight cut. If a fighter is putting him or herself through something that jeopardizes his health to the point of hospitalization, they need to be saved from themselves. This would solve the issue of guys getting rewarded by not doing their job, which is making weight and fighting, not just fighting.

And that is my very simple, yet also brilliant, solution to the weight cutting issue in the UFC.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Antwun Echols and the Curse of Being a Good Boxer

I was watching the documentary, Counterpunch, on Netflix this past week, and as I was following these three boxers at different stages of their career, it sent me down a Wikipedia rabbit hole of boxers. It took a lot of twists and turns and eventually led me to the Wikipedia page for Antwun Echols. Now unless you are a hardcore boxing fan or from Davenport, Iowa, that name probably doesn't mean anything to you. But I'm a part of that latter group, so I remember him coming up and being one hell of a boxer.

And he was. After losing his very first fight, he would go on to lose once in his next 24 fights. That was enough for him to earn a shot at Bernard Hopkins, who he took the distance but Echols lost the decision. He ended up winning his next two fights to get another shot at Hopkins, but this time he was stopped in the tenth round. Still, that's Bernard Hopkins, one of the greatest fighters of his generation and Echols was competitive in both fights.

Even after that, he managed to win seven of his next eight fights, winning the NABF Super Middleweight Title but losing his chance at the WBA Super Middleweight Title. Still, at this point, he had amassed a 31-5-1 record which isn't going to make him one of the greats, but it's still a pretty damn good career. 

Unfortunately, Echols career continued, as he has had another 22 fights since then. Echols was no longer the young up-and-comer who was smashing stepping stones on his way to title shots. Now, he was the stepping stone, continually put against top prospects. The fights got worse and worse as he went from losing decisions to losing by knockout. He has gone 1-18-3 in those last 22 fights. His one win was against a fighter who had a record of 0-8-2, but Fred Thomas is now 1-15-2, so Echols may have been lucky to meet him before Thomas reached his prime. Probably his most impressive accomplishment in this run is getting knocked out in the third round in seven consecutive fights, a streak that was ended when he lost in 8 seconds in his last fight.

As if that wasn't bad enough, during this run of awful fights, he was also shot in the leg trying to break up a fight. Then, he was immediately arrested at the hospital for possession of crack and failure to pay child support.

And about that child support, despite being busy with a boxing career, that did not stop Echols from getting busy in other ways. In 2013, Echols said in an interview that he "thinks" he has 23 kids. Maybe saddest of all, but definitely most delusional of all, is that when Echols was on a run of 1-14-3, he still had title aspirations. 

Echols had a great career, fighting for multiple championships but never bringing home the big time titles. Then he had a second career as a punching bag, and nobody was there to tell him that even if the money was decent, it's not a real career. But promoters were willing to keep giving him opportunity, because he was a good name in the boxing community. It didn't matter that he was no longer the same guy; it was actually better. He was the perfect stepping stone. The guy has clearly taken so much damage that he's susceptible to being knocked out by anyone, and that is exactly what's happened.

This story is about Antwun Echols, but it could easily be about dozens of other boxers that hang on for far too long with nobody around them willing or convincing enough to step in and stop them. Antwun Echols rose up from nothing to make something of himself through boxing. Now it appears that boxing will bring him right back to where he started. It's nearly impossible to see a happy ending to this story, so at this point, I'm just hoping for one that isn't tragic.

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

The Quintessential Breakdown of Brawl for All - Part 4

Brawl For All was one of the most fascinating ideas in WWE history. It's when the WWE took the reality era to a logical place, having real fights, under extraordinarily stupid rules. You may think the WWE did this to capitalize on the popularity of the UFC, and I'm sure that was kind of the case, but there was just one problem. WWE is always like five years behind on things, so instead of the UFC being fresh and exciting, it was actually at its lowest point in popularity since starting in 1993. It was literally the worst time to have Brawl For All, but as it turned out, there was never going to be a good time to have Brawl For All.

My God, we have made it to the semifinals. Sure, it's with two guys who didn't win their first round fight, but that means that two guys DID win their first round fight. Sure, one of the guys shouldn't have won his second round fight, but that still leaves one guy who legitimately won both of his first fights. So yeah, the tournament is going great! Let's get to the fights, where things continue to go downhill

Round 3 - Bart Gunn vs. The Godfather
This was when the WWE couldn't help themselves. Bart Gunn got the only knockout of the tournament when he upset Dr. Death Steve Williams. So to build anticipation for Gunn's semifinal matchup with The Godfather, Gunn "knocked out" Vader outside of the ring. I don't know why the WWE hated Vader so much, but they must have really hated Vader.

As for the fight, how serious was The Godfather about the fight? Well, this is how serious he was about the fight.
A man's got to get a ho train going before a big fight, but those hoes weren't just for show. They were part of a bigger plan where The Godfather offered up his hoes for the night if Bart Gunn would walk away from the Brawl for All tournament. This is definitely what should have happened as Gunn was the only guy with two legitimate wins, so it would have been perfect for him to drop out of the tournament in order to have free sex with prostitutes. Unfortunately, he declined, so I had to watch them fight.

Bart Gunn used defense to win the first round. It wasn't conventional defense, but his strategy of just leaning really far back was good enough where The Godfather really couldn't connect on anything. The second round was fairly even, and The Godfather probably landed more punches, but then he got caught with a left and got knocked down at the end of the round. Coming out for round three, The Godfather had not completely recovered, and then Bart Gunn did this.
And Bart Gunn was moving on to the finals. You can watch the whole, wondrous fight below.


Round 3: Bradshaw vs. Darren Drozdov
A matchup of two guys who probably shouldn't be there, since Drozdov advanced after a draw in the first round, and Bradshaw advanced thanks to an illegal takedown in his second round match. But we did get a tale of the tape before the match that highlighted that Bradshaw likes football and bar room brawling, while Droz also likes football, but complements that with tattoos and puking. Should be a hell of a fight, folks.

In the first round, Droz had some luck with wild hooks, but then Bradshaw seemed to be able to time those out and make Bradshaw pay as his punches were way straighter than anything Drozdov was throwing. In the second round, Droz's flails actually seemed to work as his wild shots were actually finding their mark. He then put an exclamation point on the round by hitting a takedown. Bradshaw then landed slightly more punches in a sloppy third round. I had the score at 10-10, but they gave the decision to Bradshaw, probably because they didn't want to put this on TV any longer than they had to.

Brawl For It All Fight 9 by xusername26x
And that sets up the finals of Bradshaw vs. Bart Gunn. I know it's so exciting that you probably can't wait, but you're going to have to, because I will recap the finals next time. 

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

The Quintessential Breakdown of Brawl For All - Part 1

Brawl For All was one of the most fascinating ideas in WWE history. It's when the WWE took the reality era to a logical place, having real fights, under extraordinarily stupid rules. You may think the WWE did this to capitalize on the popularity of the UFC, and I'm sure that was kind of the case, but there was just one problem. WWE is always like five years behind on things, so instead of the UFC being fresh and exciting, it was actually at its lowest point in popularity since starting in 1993. It was literally the worst time to have Brawl For All, but as it turned out, there was never going to be a good time to have Brawl For All.

The rules allowed punching and takedowns with most punches landed in a round worth five points, each takedown worth five points, and a knockdown being worth 10 points. The entire fight was three one-minute rounds with 30 seconds rest between each round.

Before we get started with the "fights," I'd like to point out that this tournament is officiated by a 70 year old dude who seems pretty spry. That's because he's Danny Hodge, a legend in amateur and professional wrestling, and I would probably pick him to beat at least half of these guys. And that's not in his prime. That's 70-year-old Dan Hodge just schooling fools. In his prime, he wins the whole tournament.

1st Round - Marc Mero vs. Steve Blackman
This was probably the most interesting fight of the first round on paper. Marc Mero was a Golden Gloves boxer and Steve Blackman was some sort of kickboxer who seemed to be good with numbchucks. Unfortunately, there were no numbchucks allowed for this one. I'm guessing the WWE thought this would be a good slugfest to get things going. Instead, Blackman put on a wrestling clinic, and there were only about seven punches thrown in the fight, as Blackman landed ten takedowns over the three minute fight. Honestly, Blackman's blast double looked pretty good, and he believably could have fought some real fights. I'd totally take Blackman over CM Punk in a fight. Unfortunately, the crowd booed the fight the entire time, so it was not an ideal start to things. Also not ideal, Blackman got hurt training for his next match and Mero got put back in the tournament despite losing his first fight 65-0.

Brawl For It All Fight 1 by xusername26x

1st Round - Mark Canterbury vs. Bradshaw
Canterbury was formerly in a white trash hillbilly gimmick as Henry O. Godwin (HOG, get it?) but wanted to go by his real name, so he could get all the fame from winning Brawl For All. Bradshaw thought he was the toughest guy in the WWE but would later get punked out by ECW announcer Joey Styles. This was more what the WWE was looking for, but it was still fairly shitty. These guys came out swinging for the fences and throwing haymakers but generally not looking like they knew what they were doing. After about 30 seconds, they came to a scary realization: Fighting is super tiring. So they both rested for the second half of the first round. Then Bradshaw threw some decent punches in the second round and rocked Canterbury, but it still wasn't enough to get a knockdown. Before the third round, the fans had started a "Boring" chant, and the third round delivered on that chant as neither guy had any energy.

Brawl For It All Fight 2 by xusername26x

1st Round - Brakus vs. Savio Vega
Poor Brakus. He was a massive German who had the look that Vince McMahon loves. They had vignettes building him up, but he got put in the Brawl for All and got his face smashed by Savio Vega, because Vega was a legitimately tough Puerto Rican. He fought like you would expect a bodybuilder to fight, big punches with thuds but no snap in them, and Savio was much quicker and repeatedly punched Brakus in the face. He tried using his strength for takedowns, but that only worked in the first round. Then, Savio adjusted, and repeatedly punched the guy in the face. This was basically the end for Brakus.

1st Round - Hawk vs. Darren "Puke" Drozdov
This may be my favorite fight of the entire tournament. It wasn't good by any means, but it was hilarious. Hawk was a tag team wrestling legend, and Darren Drozdov could puke on command. Hawk came out as Hawk with full wrestling attire and face paint for his fight. I think all UFC fighters should start wearing face paint, because it is totally awesome. Then to start this fight, it looked like Drozdov did not want to throw punches. Then Hawk kept punching him in the face, and Drozdov just kept taking punches. In the second round, Drozdov just repeatedly threw right hands but they connected a good amount and he rocked Hawk a couple times to win the second round. Then, they both threw punches in the third round. Since Hawk had the cardio of an obese 70 year-old, he had to spit his mouthpiece out to breathe, and Drozdov decided to do the same. They threw more punches at each other, and it was bad but mildly entertaining. Then, the most amazing thing happened. They called it a Draw. In the third round, they landed the exact same amount of punches. No fourth round, no nothing. I have no idea how they planned to decide who was going to move on. Luckily, Hawk was injured in the fight, so they had to keep Drozdov in the thing.

Brawl For It All Fight 3 by xusername26x

This is just the first half of the first round. There is so much more to come.

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

CrossFit Defense Is For Stupid People Who Want To Get Their Asses Kicked

The other day my brother sent me a link to CrossFit Defense; he knew a fighting system this stupid would anger me, and sure enough, I was seething just looking at the link. Then, despite knowing it would be bad for me, I clicked on that link, went deeper into the page, clicked some more, watched an eight-minute video, all the while getting angrier and angrier the entire time. There was only thing I could do as the legitimate tough guy that I am: Beat this system down with a brutal blog.

So let me just say that there is a lot of hatred towards CrossFit online, and I'm not here for that. I think that if you have an exercise system that you enjoy and does not injure you, you should go for it. CrossFit fails on that second part quite a bit, but hey, if people keep coming back for more, I'm not going to stand in their way.

But CrossFit Defense is a bunch of bullshit. CrossFit isn't going to help you fight. It'll help you keep in shape (if you don't injure yourself), but you should only use that health to run away in a fighting situation. That should be the beginning and end of CrossFit Defense.

Unfortunately, it is not. Let's go to the website description to see what is CrossFit Defense:

CrossFitters train for the unknown and unknowable, but elite fitness does not guarantee personal safety. If CrossFit is the study of human movement, CrossFit Defense is the study of human movement as it relates to violence, fear and aggression. Athletes are taught close quarter skills and combines fun, dynamic, and effective drills that are extremely effective for anyone of any age who may have to defend themselves.

Could someone please explain to me how CrossFitters training for the unknown and unknowable? Like, is the unknown discovering what is the shittiest pullup imaginable. I also enjoy that they train "effective drills that are extremely effective." I want to give them a damn participation award for that phrasing.

On top of this, they have this image on their website:
Nobody fears fear. I'm not afraid of being afraid. I'm afraid of snakes, Greg Davis offenses, and being buried alive. Those are things that you can fear. I'm not afraid of one day discovering that I am afraid of something. Let's go to the video to take a deep dive into this ocean of shit.

This first gif appears to be some moron named Traver (what a CrossFit name) talking about something dumb, but the important part is going on in the background, because there's some amazing self-defense going on.
Little dude in the black shirt is practicing some top-notch self-defense. For what situation? Well, uh, I guess it's like if somebody tries to attack you by ballroom dancing with you without your permission, this is a way to keep distance. This self-defense technique is most commonly used by girls in high school at Proms where guys have boners, and the girls don't want them rubbing it on them during slow dances.

Now it's time to address one of the big problems that came up in their video, over and over again: Palm strikes. This system apparently only uses palm strikes, and that is an excellent sign that it is bullshit. Will a palm strike hurt? Yes, but you know what hurts more than a palm strike? A fucking fist. It's not that complicated. There's a reason you don't see guys in the UFC choosing to hit guys with their palms. So why doesn't Crossfit Defense use the far better fist method? Because you can't throw a fist at a medicine ball without hurting your hand, and if you had to wear gloves or wrap your hands, and at that point, you wouldn't be able to market it as a Crossfit class.

But at least they're showing good technique to generate power with those palm strikes? Well, yeah, as long as you keep your hips as stiff as possible and try to lunge into your strikes.
Also, any striking system that doesn't teach you to put your hands back to defend after striking is probably not going to be great for you. You can keep one hand out for distance, but when you keep out two, you're probably going to get your jaw jacked. Silver lining: When somebody uppercuts you off your feet, you can just say that you were setting your new record in highest box jump.

They then spoke about how fights are unpredictable so you need to train as if you are in a natural fighting stance. They then show getting in their natural stance.
Yep, totally natural.

Clearly CrossFit Defense has it all. It combines asinine technique with along with giving people enough confidence that they may be dumb enough to actually use it. Here's basically all of CrossFit Defense in one gif.
1. Don't strike to the chest in a fight.

2. Um, I don't know what he's trying to show in that choking clip except the choker has no idea how chokes work, so I guess if you're going to get attacked, hope that they try to do something they've never done before?

3. For some reason, half of this video shows how to defend against somebody who wraps their arms around your neck from the front. This never happens in a real fight, because there is no logic that would lead a person to attack that way. But it does lead to the most "Oh shit" moment of the video as, in, oh shit, a worthy technique. He's going after the dude's eyes. That is a really good strategy. But then of course he switches to a a weird forearm crossface instead which is not nearly as effective.  (Note: If you know nothing about fighting, just look up the mixed martial arts rules. If you do everything that is banned in MMA, you'll probably do alright, because the shit that is banned in MMA is dangerous and/or super effective).

So do not believe in CrossFit Defense. It will not help you. There's a good chance you get injured from CrossFit, and a 100% chance that it will not help you if you need to defend yourself. Would you like to find a good workout where you can learn how to defend yourself? They actually have that. It's called mixed martial arts. Here is the perfect tagline for CrossFit Defense: Run for your life; your shitty pullups won't save you.

Thursday, October 27, 2016

Dan Henderson: The World's Most Interesting Fighter

Dan Henderson recently retired after a close (some would say controversial) decision loss to UFC Champion, Michael Bisping. Henderson's career will be underrated by many, as his prime happened outside of the UFC. Even with that, it's tough to make an argument that Henderson is the greatest fighter ever, but it's also hard to make an argument against him being the world's most interesting fighter.

Unless you are a truly hardcore MMA fan, you probably don't remember Dan Henderson's early UFC career. It was during the dark ages of the UFC, and Henderson, with two fights and limited MMA training, went out and won a four-man tournament at 205 pounds. You would probably assume that he was facing off against guys that were just as limited as him, but he actually went out and beat two legitimate mixed martial artists. Allan Goes, who did not have any signature wins, had two of the most high quality draws in the sport against Frank Shamrock and Kazushi Sakuraba. And then in the finals, Dan fought Carlos Newton, who although was undersized for that weight class, became a UFC Champion by beating Pat Miletich a few years later. Those were guys with years of training and fights, and Dan Henderson walked in and beat them.

I should also mention that this began the legend of "Decision" Dan Henderson (the nickname was fair early in his career, even though he had enough huge finishes to make it obsolete by the end). Henderson had 22 of 47 of his fights go to decision, but that number is toned down due to late career Dan Henderson, with seven of his final eight fights being finishes. More incredible is he had nine split decisions in his career. Almost 20% of his fights were split decisions. I don't know where to find the records for that, so I'll just assume that Henderson is the Babe Ruth of split decisions.

After that, he went to Rings where he took out a couple of nobodies, and then on February 26, 2000, he had maybe the most impressive night in MMA history. In the first round, he faced Gilbert Yvel, who was 20-3 at the time and basically knocking out everyone that he faced (when he wasn't getting DQ'd), but Decision Dan would not be denied. Then he took on the greatest heavyweight fighter before Fedor Emelianenko, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira. a man that only lost once in his first 21 fights. Unfortunately for Nogueira, that one loss was to Dan Henderson by split decision. After that, he took on Babalu in the finals. Babalu, a man who won his first twelve professional fights before taking on Henderson where he experienced the unlucky number 13, as Henderson won by majority decision. Yvel, Big Nog, and Babalu: There is nobody who has beaten anything close to that caliber of competition in a single night.

With that, Henderson made the move to Pride. Since this is Dan Henderson, he lucked into an easy fight to start off his Pride career, taking on the most terrifying fighter in MMA history, The Axe Murderer, Wanderlei Silva. Pride was the premiere organization at the time, and Silva didn't lose in his first 17 fights, and when he lost in his 18th, it was controversial. Although Henderson took his first loss, you could make a pretty strong argument that he won the fight.

He followed up his first loss by beating Renzo Gracie. That's a good win, but not too special. What was special was that Henderson won by knockout. He learned to throw a right hand, and that would become incredibly important later in his career.

I'd like to take a brief aside to address something. During this whole time, Henderson was still working on representing the United States in Greco-Roman Wrestling, as he didn't give up wrestling until 2001, when he had already twelve professional fights over four years without yet focusing on fighting full time. Yes, he had probably the greatest night in MMA history without even being a full time mixed martial artist. Dan Henderson was so fucking cool.

He finally bedcame a full time MMA fighter and fought in Pride for the next six years. Over that six year span, he lost four times, but only once was it to someone in his actual weight class. Otherwise, he lost to both Nogueiras and Ricardo Arona (which just reminds me how tough Arona was back in the day).

The highlights were mostly centered around that big right hand as Henderson started showing the ability to knock dudes out. He also became the first (and only) Pride Welterweight Champion (welterweight was 183 in Pride) by beating Murilo Bustamante, who is one of those legendary tough guys from Brazil that had his prime about 5-10 years too early.

But the biggest highlight was his rematch against Wanderlei Silva. It was the final fight in the history of Pride, and it was for the middleweight title. Henderson lost their first fight by decision, but he wouldn't let the same thing happen again as he about knocked Silva's head off in the third round to get the knockout victory and be the only guy in a major organization to hold titles in multiple weight classes at the same time.

And after all of that, he finally went back to the UFC.

Since it's Dan Henderson, there was no easing him in. he started with not one but two title matches in the weight classes where he held the belts in Pride. It, uh, did not go well. First, he lost a sluggish decision against Quinton "Rampage" Jackson. Then he took on Anderson Silva, where he took Silva down and dominated him in the first round. But by the second round, he decided game plans were for nerds and decided to just stand and trade with Silva where he got knocked silly and then choked out.

I guess now is as good of time as any to address something with Dan Henderson. He doesn't give a shit when he gets in a fight. His first goal is to knock someone's head off. Sure, he's an Olympic level wrestler where he could easily smother someone on top, but he almost exclusively used those skills to keep things standing so he could try to knock someone's head off. He could have been more successful had he stuck to a smart gameplan, but there is no way he could have been as awesome.

He got back on track after that with wins over basically the worst person in mixed martial arts, Rousimar Palhares, and one of the best people, Rich Franklin. After that, he coached on The Ultimate Fighter, opposite Michael Bisping, to set up their fight at UFC 100. It definitely wasn't his best win, but it probably was his most memorable, as Henderson destroyed Bisping with a right hand, and then gave him a leaping forearm for funsies. It was brutal and awesome all at once.

At this point, Henderson was probably only a fight away from a title shot, so he did what nobody else in the world would do, and left the UFC to go to Strikeforce, because Dan Henderson doesn't give a shit about titles when he can get more money somewhere else.

Henderson's Strikeforce career didn't start off the best. He gave Jake Shields one of the worst beatings I've seen in the first round of a fight and then totally ran out of gas and lost a decision. After that, he beat Babalu again and then took out Rafael Calvacante. Although he finished both guys, it's not going to make his career highlights. Then, since it's Dan Henderson, he took on the greatest heavyweight in the history of MMA, Fedor Emelianenko and proceeded to knock him out in the first round. This would be his last fight in Strikeforce, and he picked a hell of a way to go out.

In fact, let's look back on how Henderson left every organization he was in.
Brazil Open - Won Tournament
UFC - Won Tournament
Rings - Won Greatest Tournament Ever
Pride - Won Middleweight Title from scariest fighter ever, giving him two belts in different weight classes.
UFC - Most memorable knockout of his career, proved America's domination over England.
Strikeforce - Knocked out the greatest heavyweight of all time.

And even though he lost the final fight of his career, he did it in the perfect way, losing a close decision, because had he won, the UFC would have thrown a ton of money at him to fight again, and Dan Henderson does not turn down tons of money. There is no way he could have left these organizations on a higher note. This man knows how to increase his value at the right time.

When Dan Henderson went back to the UFC, he was already 41 years old, and age can catch up to anybody, even someone as great as Dan Henderson. Although he had two memorable wins over Mauricio "Shogun" Rua, he went 1-6 in his other fights with three losses coming by knockout.

But as important as timing his right hand, he also knew how to time his wins, and he was able to knockout Hector Lombard right as Michael Bisping was busy winning the UFC title. Somehow, despite going 4-6 in his last run in the UFC, he was given a title shot, because he's Dan Henderson, and that was the most interesting fight available.

His final fight gave you everything you could have asked for in a Dan Henderson fight. He landed a couple of those right handed bombs that nearly took out Bisping and gave Dan the early advantage. And then, like so many other times, he ran out of steam and Bisping started winning the later rounds. He put on a good final round, but there was only one way for "Decision" Dan's career to end. Sometimes those decisions went his way, this time it didn't. It was probably his best fight since the first Shogun fight, which happened five years prior, but at 46 years old, Henderson was able to show why he is one of the greatest fighters in history.

With a 32-15 record, it's tough to make the argument that he was the best fighter ever, but there is nobody who had a more interesting career than Dan Henderson. The guy fought in three weight classes (technically four, since the Brazil Open was close to the Welterweight limit), and fought nearly every interesting person in all of those divisions. Wanderlei, Fedor, A. Silva, Shogun, Cormier, Big Nog, Little Nog, Bustamante, Vitor, Franklin, Arona, Machida, and Rampage all fought Henderson at least once. He fought for two decades, and the only legends he missed over that period were Couture, Liddell, Jon Jones, Cro Cop, and Sakuraba. That's only five guys across three different weight classes over 20 years that Henderson couldn't find time to fight.

Dan Henderson had more big matches than anyone in the history of mixed martial arts. He is the world's most interesting fighter, and unlike the Dos Equis guy, there will never be a replacement for Hendo.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

CM Punk Wasn't Brave for Fighting in the UFC

Since I love MMA and pro wrestling, this whole CM Punk fight has been right in my wheelhouse. I honestly don't think he embarrassed himself. There have been plenty of people who have gotten steamrolled in the UFC, and it does not only include crappy fighers. I mean, Cub Swanson is a top featherweight, and it took Jose Aldo seven seconds to take him out.

Oh yeah, and Jose Aldo, likely the greatest featherweight fighter in history, after months of shit talk from his opponent, got knocked out in 13 seconds against Conor McGregor. So, no, I don't think CM Punk embarrassed himself by getting destroyed in two minutes.

Still, CM Punk is not a UFC level fighter. Honestly, I'm not even sure if Mickey Gall is a UFC fighter. Still, that's no reason to shit on Punk.

But let's also slow down on the opposite end for people praising CM Punk for his guts and determination. Is it brave to get your ass kicked? Well, kind of, but in that sense, bravery is just another word for stupidity. But I'm not about to call CM Punk stupid, because he got a guaranteed half a million dollars for this, and I wouldn't be surprised if there was another million dollars coming his way. At that point, it'd be stupid not to fight.

I mean, can you think of a single guy you know that wouldn't take $500,000 to get their ass kicked? I mean, it would be one thing if you said they were getting in a street fight, but this is sanctioned. I wouldn't even need two years to train, as I'd be willing to walk in there this weekend. It's 500 grand, just to get my ass kicked. I'd be stupid not to do it. I was thinking about it, and I'd likely take a tenth of that money. 50 grand for an ass kicking is still a really great day.

And if I get to pick my opponent? $10,000, and I'd pick John Dodson who used to beat me up a bunch back in the day, so he'd take it easy on me. If I can't know the person, Demian Maia, because he would go for the takedown and gently put in a choke to make me tap or fall asleep. I could go out for drinks afterwards, and I bet Demian Maia would go out drinking with me. It'd be a pretty pleasant experience overall.

So, Dana White, I am looking for a fight, just bring that checkbook. Because at CM Punk prices, it's not brave to do it, it'd just be stupid not to do it.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Little Kids Love Pro Wrestling

So we had two young children staying at our house this week, and I learned a lot through the experience. The 7-month-old and me didn't really do much interacting. She wasn't that interested in me, and honestly, I wasn't that interested in her either. Triple B yo, Babies Be Boring. But the 3-year-old and me were more on the same wavelength. Does this mean I think like a toddler? Yes, yes it does, and I am not ashamed by that.

Anyway, I used this opportunity to poison the future potential of this country by exposing this child to pro wrestling, because of course I was going to show a 3-year-old how awesome pro wrestling is. I mean, his parents knew I was going to do it when they left, and my wife knew I was going to do it too. It was just a matter of finding the right opportunity. I kept asking if he wanted to watch wrestling, but he just kept wanting to watch episodes of the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (which I will have hot takes on in the near future). Our conversations kept going like this:

Me: You want to watch wrestling?
Him: Turtles.
Me: But wrestling is super cool.
Him: Turtles.
Me (under my breath): Damnit.

This conversation happened about a half dozen times before I finally found my opening when he was putting out (imaginary) fires throughout the house. I put on Raw, but he was more playing with his trucks than actually watching. Then, Kevin Owens wrestled Neville, and it finally caught his attention and hooked him. With all of Neville's flips, he was entranced with the show. There were a bunch of near falls, and I tried to explain a 3-count to him (the pinfall type, not the boy band type), and he kind of nodded his head to make me think he understood.

Then I was sitting on the couch, and I hear him go, "1...2...3!" before jumping on my back and choking me. He did not totally understand a 3-count, but he sure did enjoy counting to three and trying to beat me up, and that's really the most important aspect of pro wrestling.

Eventually, my wife made us stop fighting, because we were being loud as he attacked, and I flipped him onto the couch, showing my dominance of 3-year-olds. She threatened that I'd have to take care of the baby if we woke it up, and that was definitely enough for me to turn off wrestling and go back to Ninja Turtles. God, wives are so lame.

So will the love of pro wrestling blossom? The bad news is that I don't think his parents want to be stuck watching pro wrestling, but the good news is that he was bragging to his parents that he beat me up when we watched wrestling. Oh, that sweet high of carefree violence. That'll get any kid coming back for more.

Pro wrestling is the best.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Why Did Nobody Tell Me About XArm?

Consider yourselves failures. You should all be embarrassed. To let something like this slip through the cracks for YEARS. That's right, not days or months but YEARS. Oh, here's XArm, possibly the greatest sports innovation since Slamball, and you all let it slip through the cracks? Come on, you are all better than that. What is XArm? Oh, my friend, do I have a treat for you.

XArm is extreme arm wrestling. It is stupid and AMAZING. How do you make arm wrestling any more extreme than it already is? I'm glad you asked. First, you strap the two opponents together around the wrist so they are locked into an arm wrestling position. Then, you chain them to the arm wrestling table so they are basically stuck in about the space of a phone booth together. That's kind of badass, but not totally extreme. But let's get to the best part. You allow each person to beat the shit out of their opponent.

Once you add in that last factor, the arm wrestling barely matters, because focusing on pinning somebody's wrist loses a lot of its relevance if that guy is repeatedly punching you in the face. I think this XArm battle may do the best job of acting as the embodiment of the sport.

Before we even get to the contest, I'd just like to point out that this between a guy named Aaron Sawyers, who, yeah, if I had to guess what that guy would do in his free time, I would have definitely guessed XArm contests. And his opponent? Buck Acosta. God damn, that is a perfect name for this sport. Like, that's so perfect that I think the final two choices for what to name this was Buck Acosta and XArm, and XArm only won on a coin flip.

The first round gives you just a taste of the action, and it somehow ends in a pin. I think somebody's arm got pinned, because I think there is arm wrestling in this sport, but before the video starts, it says the only ways to win are knockout, submission, and judges decision. Also, I get absolutely jacked for each round with the dubstep music.

But the second round is where we see the true potential of this amazing endeavor. Sawyers decides that he's bigger and should be able to win a battle of strength against Acosta, so he wants to go for straight arm wrestling. Buck Acosta hilariously just starts throwing nonstop right hooks at Sawyers who just tries to cover up until he finally just quits since he has no answer and no escape since he is both attached to Acosta and a table.

This sport is so totally awesome that my mind is near its breaking point. If you're not convinced, well first off, you're clearly a moron, but second, I think this will change your mind.
Just some 260 pound Dad straight up going for an armbar. God, I can't believe how awesome this sport is.

This is not a sport for the feint of heart. This is a sport for men, especially stupid men, most likely Dads. I want to have a kid just so I can enter. This will be my life. This is my destiny.

I love you, XArm.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Rumblr Is the Greatest App Ever Made

Our phones are running our lives these days. Checking email, Twitter, The Facebook Dot Com, not to mention paying bills, and with the advent of Tinder, you can even pick up potential mates. It's truly amazing, and yet none of these things compare to technology's greatest invention, the greatest app ever made. That's right; I'm talking about Rumblr.

What is Rumblr, you ask? Oh, Rumblr is just an app for your phone where you can find and meet people who have a similar interest as you. That similar interest? Fighting. Yep, you can just open up your app, find someone in your area, and see if they'd like to throw down behind the local Publix or Hy-Vee Grocery Store. I mean, you don't have to fight behind the grocery store, but that was the choice spot back in my day.

But it gets better. It is not just for fighters, as you can also just look for fights happening in your area and see two random shitheads throw down in the parking lot by the tennis courts (this was a secondary spot for fights back in my day). Let's face it; there is nothing more compelling than two people fighting. You can't not watch. I will admit that watching people fight can be sickening when watching one dominate another, but it can also be hilarious, like when one person could dominate another, but instead decides to hump them into emasculation instead (this is a thing I have witnessed).

I mean, the people who came up with Tinder did a great job by helping people hook up with other sexy singles, but this is simply on another level. Finally, an app that will allow you to schedule a late-night meet-up, or should I say beat-up session in front of the local sporting goods store (this was a desperation spot for us when we needed to watch a fight).

The only disappointing thing about this app is that it is only coming out to the first 2000 people that signed up, and they're rolling it out on iPhones first. I'm likely not a part of that first 2000, and second, iPhone users lack grit. These iPhone fighters are more likely to do verbal sparring about their Ivy School's graduation rate. Once they roll it out for Android users, you'll start seeing some real fighting going on. And Heaven help us if they ever find a way to roll it out for old school Nokia phone users, because I will finally live my dream of seeing two guys fight each other with taped fists, tarred and covered in broken glass, the way Jesus always envisioned.

So, yeah, I'm pretty excited about Rumblr.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

I Got My Ass Handed To Me By A Girl

As I mentioned a while ago, I have started grappling again. Call it jiu-jitsu, call it submission wrestling, call it whatever you want, but it's fighting without strikes (because I need to protect my pretty face). Not to brag or anything, but after a few weeks, I'm pretty well-respected for my skills in class. I'm not great, but I can beat a good portion of people and can push anybody.

So as practice starts, our coach will always pair people together. Since I'm getting pretty good, they will either pair me with somebody else who is pretty good, or they will pair me with somebody new to help teach them the moves that we are working on. My coach called out my name, and then he called out a girl's name. Since there was only one girl in the class, and she was very new, I'm like, "Cool, this should be an easy class where I can relax a little bit." What happened next was something out of a movie, as behind this girl stepped another girl who was about 5'5" and built like a brick shithouse. I'm not a big guy by any means, but I've got some decent-sized pipes for a skinny guy, and this girl's arms dwarfed mine. She was not fat at all, but she was just solidly built. Good for her, bad for me.

As we warmed up and went through some new techniques, she felt solid, but I'm pretty confident in my wiry strength, and I assume that anybody bigger than me just has popcorn muscles, you know, all fluff, no stuff. But I knew the moment was coming where we would have live sparring, and I'd have to prove myself.

Finally, it came time. And right before we were about to go at it, somebody tells me, "You know she's a wrestler, right?" and my only thought was, "Oh shit." Because I know that somebody with a ton of strength isn't all that difficult to beat if they don't know how to use it. I can usually out leverage bigger and stronger people due to my junior high wrestling abilities (this sounds like a joke, but somehow it is actually the case). Luckily for me, she had a foot issue so we locked up from our knees as opposed to starting on the feet. All it took was that first lockup for me to realize that she definitely did NOT have popcorn muscles. Her muscles were not fluff; they were all stuff. I have never been manhandled like that from that position. She threw me around like I was nothing, and then flew around like a damn ninja to take my back. I managed to get out of that bad spot, only for her to throw me against the cage and start passing my guard while grinding my head into the steel. It was not a pleasant experience.

But don't worry faithful readers, I was not going to give up. Because even though she had more strength and wrestling ability, she wasn't great with submissions, and she hadn't grappled in a while, so she didn't have a ton in the gas tank (which she admitted would be her issue before we started). As she grinded away at me from the top, I waited for my opening, and eventually, she went for a pass and I got her off balance and managed to end up on top of her. Since she was gassed at this point, I passed to side control and locked up my favorite submission, a key lock. I had beaten a girl, fuck yeah.

Although I did get the submission, don't get this story twisted; I got my ass handed to me. Had we been in a street fight (and yes, this would require me to live in some weird alternate universe where I fought random girls on the street), I not only would have lost, I probably would have had a hospital visit afterwards. And for me, that's not embarrassing; it's just a fact of life. I got my ass handed to me by a girl.

Through this experience, I feel as if I have learned some valuable lessons:

1. I take pride in my wiry strength, but there are still girls who can outmuscle me (fun fact: I later learned that she can squat 440 pounds, which is basically three of me).

2. Although Junior High wrestling in Iowa gives me a strong wrestling base, there are girls out there who have slightly better technique than that and can use it to manipulate my body in ways I never thought possible.

3. Although I had never really considered it, this just cements the fact that I should not challenge random girls to street fights, as I might just get my ass whipped.

You probably should have already known these three things, but if you didn't, I'm glad I could help you avoid the humbling experience.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Jon Jones, Cocaine, And Greatness

I can't get over how great Jon Jones is. I really thought Daniel Cormier had what it took, but Jon Jones not only beat him; he outwrestled one of the best American wrestlers of the last fifteen years.

If you had asked me to create an ideal fighter eight years ago, I could not have created a fighter as good as Jon Jones. I would have said that the frame and skill-set would not be humanly possible. If you want a great wrestler, you can't have him be long and lanky too, because you need to be a powerhouse to be able to blast through takedowns. I couldn't have given a guy such effective elbow strikes, because elbow strikes that effective have never existed before. And I wouldn't have been able to give the guy that much explosive movement and cardio to last for days, because a guy who explodes into his attacks that much can't possibly do it for 25 minutes.

Jon Jones isn't fair. He's a fighting cheat code.

And now he's in rehab for his issues with cocaine

Honestly, it wouldn't be worrisome for me if it were nearly any other athlete. I have never done cocaine, but there was definitely a time in my life where I would have strongly considered it had it been there. I just hung out with a bunch of cheap drunks as opposed to them high-fallutin coke users. I know plenty of people who have done it and are completely normal guys and gals. The only issue is that Jon Jones seems to think he's invincible. The guy doesn't even entertain the thought that he could lose a fight, and he's proven that it is a preposterous idea. If he takes that attitude to every part of his life, and rumors indicate that he usually does, then it could be a sad ending.

Great athletes with that sort of self-confidence almost always have other vices outside of their sport. Too many to name had women as a vice, Jordan had gambling, and Lawrence Taylor, who may be the best comparison, had serious drug issues. Their belief in themselves is what makes them so great at their sport, but it's also what leads them to these other vices. It's tough to believe you're invincible in one aspect of life and not have it bleed into others.

Jon Jones may come across as a dick, but I want him to get over this drug issue and continue fighting. This is completely selfish on my part as Jon Jones is as good at mixed martial arts as anybody is at anything, and watching that sort of greatness is so rare and wonderful that it would be a shame if it didn't last for as long as he decided to do it.

I can just about guarantee that I will be rooting for his opponent in every single fight he has, but I still want the opportunity to watch him crush my hopes as many times as possible.

Good luck, Jon Jones, this is one fight I'll be hoping you win.