My Greatest Accomplishment

I have accomplished many things in my lifetime. Much like Jesus, my 33 years on this Earth have been filled with momentous occasions and legendary tales. Unlike Jesus, very few of mine have had a positive impact on the world as a whole, but the similarities are definitely there. Recently, I had a life milestone that will truly go down as my greatest accomplishment in this world. They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. In this case, 1,000 doesn't do it justice.

My picture is pathetic, but trust me, it's a pretty sweet setup.

I have an outdoor TV that I can see from my pool. In Florida, having a pool really isn't that big of a deal. I think half the people in my neighborhood have one, because it makes way more sense to have a pool down in Florida since we have the temperatures to take advantage of it. But to Little Joey growing up in Iowa? A pool was a dream I could barely fathom. A pool meant that you were a baller.

And now, on top of a pool, I have a flat screen TV that I can watch while chillaxin' in the pool. That is some next level shit. Little Joe-Joe couldn't even fathom having a television by the pool, much less a flat screen, because that only existed in science fiction. To this day, I still don't understand how it's possible for flat screen TVs to work.

With this setup, I can watch old episodes of WCW Nitro while enjoying the beautiful fall weather in Florida. In fact, it also works during winter and spring. And then during the summertime, I can do it while in the dang pool. If Cribs was still a show, I would probably have my own episode. Kanye West wishes he had this. Jay-Z could only dream of my situation. LL Cool J (literally the only other rapper I could think of) can't even fathom my swagger.

Anyway, I just really wanted to brag that I set up a TV outside, and I waited a couple months to make sure that my TV mount didn't fall (it survived the hurricane, so I think I'm good). Thank you for your time.

10 Things I'd Rather Do With My Dog Than My Wife

I love my wife. I love my dog. Now I would say these loves are different. One is someone that I can kiss and tell my deepest secrets to, the other one is my wife. But they both serve their roles. Still, there are things that I can't get from my dog that I can get from my wife, like going to places that don't allow pets, but there are also things that, although I could do with my wife, I'd rather do with my dog. Here are ten things that I would rather do with Casey The Dog than the old lady.

10. Play With Her Ears
My dog has big, soft, floppy ears that I can just run through my fingers, and snuggle my face up against. My wife has human ears. They are these weird cartilage things, and sometimes she puts stabby things (earrings) in them which makes them uncomfortable and dangerous. I'm not saying I want my wife to have an ear transplant, but I'm not saying I'd be disappointed if she woke up with Weimy ears one day.

9. Throw The Ball
Sometimes, my wife and I will play catch. It's fine, but the highlight is the involvement of my dog who is just waiting for one of us to miss it, so she can swoop in and get the ball. Meanwhile, throwing the ball with Casey is great. She sprints after it, brings it back, and we go through this until she decides that she's had enough. Also, it's a nice boost for my self-esteem as she has some toys that are easy to throw to the point that somebody once said I should play quarterback in the NFL. I mean, they were a Browns fan, so that's barely the NFL, but it still counts.

8. Go For A Walk
I'm not a big fan of walks. They're a little too slow-paced for me. But still, the enjoyment that my dog gets out of the walk spreads over to me. If my wife panted and smiled like that, it might close the distance, but she just talks. The one edge my wife has in this category is that I don't have to pick up her poop, because if my wife decides to take a dump in a neighbor's yard, she can at least pick it up herself.

7. Wrestle
Casey isn't a great wrestler, especially as she's gotten older, but she's up for a battle when it comes down to it. It almost always ends with Casey clawing my face or headbutting me, but there is a lot of excitement leading up to that moment. My wife gives up pretty quickly, as she can't overcome my size and strength advantage. I always win the latter, but I get more satisfaction out of the former.

6. Play Basketball
My dog loves playing defense which adds to the difficulty. She's also not a glory pup who needs shots, so I can put up as many as I want. Plus, she never talks shit to me about how my shot looks. I think I appreciate that last part the most.

5. Watch TV
Casey The Dog never minds when I watch wrestling. It doesn't matter if it's Raw, Smackdown, NXT, the Cruiserweight Classic, Lucha Underground, or classic episodes of Monday Nitro. She just chills and enjoys the show. The old lady could definitely learn about television appreciation from our dog.

4. Go To The Beach
My wife could spend an entire day at the beach. Just hanging out, reading, and maybe occasionally getting in the water to cool off. My dog and I are way more on the same page. We attack the beach, play as hard as we can, frolic in the water, and then we're tired, bored, and ready to go home. She's puked in my car the last two times, but she still gets the edge, as although my wife looks great in a two-piece, my dog is even skimpier when she's down to only a collar.

3. Cuddle
Cuddling is kind of boring, so I usually don't do it for very long. My dog is softer than my wife, and she doesn't mind if I stop cuddling after just a couple minutes. And I also don't get offended if she gets up when I'm snuggling up next to her. We have a mutual understanding that either of us can end it at any time with no guilt, and I appreciate that.

2. Pick Up Her Poop
As I stated earlier, I'm not picking up my wife's poop. I do pick up my dog's poop. I mean, it's not an enjoyable experience, but it'd be far more traumatizing if the old lady was dropping trou in the front yard and becoming the first human female to poop (you know, because ladies don't poop).

1. Road Trip
This is the most important one. My dog is the ultimate road trip partner. All I want on a road trip is silence and just a bit of companionship. I can listen to my tunes and podcasts, and if I want to reach over and pet the dog, she's there when I need her. Occasionally, she'll rest her head on my shoulder, and she's just really pleasant to be around. My wife only wants me to occasionally act like a social human being, but my pup dog has zero wants, and that is what makes her so special.

Don't get me wrong; my wife is great. But there are some areas where she's not as great as my dog. No shame in that.

I Love Camp WWE

Camp WWE is an adult animated series made by WWE for WWE fans on the WWE Network. I absolutely love it. It is in the running for my favorite show on television; hell, it may be one of the greatest television shows ever made.

Now, don't get me wrong. Camp WWE is not a good show. I'm not sure if it's a bad show, but it's probably a bad show. So why do I love it? To me, this show is some sort of wonderful white noise. If I put on this show, I am asleep within five minutes. It's amazing. It has taken me a month to get through four episodes. And I remember practically nothing from the show. Little John Cena got homesick, Vince McMahon thinks Triple H is stupid, and Ric Flair tries to have sex with everything, including inanimate objects. I'm pretty sure I learned all of those things in the first episode, so I've taken nothing from the other three so far.

I always watch television to help me fall asleep. Sometimes it'll be old episodes of Parks & Recreation, which help after a while, but I usually make it through a full episode, because they're so good. With bad shows, I start hoping to fall asleep which only makes me stay awake even longer. 

I don't know what it is, but Camp WWE is just that perfect sweet spot of me wanting to pay attention while delivering nothing noteworthy to laugh me awake. To be fair, unlike a lot of WWE programming, it is not so bad that it is groan inducing, so that's commendable on its own. But the value of the sleep that this show gives me makes me love this nothing show. Like, if you asked me what will make me sadder, the end of Camp WWE or the end of Game of Thrones, I'd have to think long and hard about it, and honestly, I think Camp WWE might win. Jon Snow's great and all, but when it comes to a good night's rest, he simply can't match up with a homesick child John Cena. 

A Comprehensive Breakdown of Values.com's "Dishes" Commercial

I was doing some reading with the TV on in the background this weekend, and all of a sudden, a commercial came on and caught my attention. The music was awful, but the scenes were absolutely amazing. It was made for Values.com, which, I don't totally understand how they make money, but good for them, because this commercial is wonderful.

Now let's go over the highlights and what we can learn from Values.com

Oh, yes! What a wonderful start. He awkwardly grabs for her hand, but she pulls away and ignores him. Great job by her with the Demonstration of Higher Value (DHV). Her DHV showed that she has better places to be, and doesn't have time for that hand-holding bullshit. That is the face of a broken man.

Her problem is she doesn't stick to The Game, and immediately shows a DLV, demonstration of lower value, by trying to kiss him when he has his hands full and is talking on his cell phone. Listen lady, if you want him to become assistant manager at Staples, he's going to have to nail his printer paper demo today, and nothing will distract him from success.

Now I don't want to be the guy to say, "Bitches be crazy," but bitches be crazy. She's disappointed in him for sleeping. She thinks back to a fonder time when he was just part-time at Staples, and he never slept. Sure they were living in her parents' basement, but they had each other. Now he just sleeps in the house they inherited when her parents were killed in that Iditarod accident. It's not fair to her.

This is by far my favorite one. Wifey has bought a new dress, and she is feeling fresh. She can't wait to show her man. Luckily, he is walking by, but he ain't got time to give his opinion on that, and she is BROKEN, because he needed to text his buddy about the new girl, Alice, bringing plain when he asked for a glossy ream of paper.

Also, who texts with their middle finger? Was there an accident at Staples? Why is he not using the pointer or his thumbs? Honestly, this is the only behavior that should truly concern his wife.

The grand finale of the commercial is what truly ties everything together for these sociopaths.

When she dropped his phone in that water, I thought he was going to hit her. I thought I was about to see the most shocking domestic violence commercial of all time.

Then the final message of the commercial is to listen, but the problems were that they broke a device designed for listening, and they never actually managed to get any words out of their mouths. The lesson should have been Pay Attention, because those two were awful at paying attention to each other. The message also could've been Never Nap, because ladies hate napping husbands. Honestly, the ideal message would have been Use a Normal Finger When Texting on Your Phone, So You Don't Look Like A Damn Creep When You're Typing Away With Your Middle Finger Like a Dingus, and You'll Probably Drop Your Phone in Dishwater and Feel Like an Asshole and Have to Fight the Urge to Beat Your Wife.

But I guess that's just not as catchy.

Why I Got Rid of Cable

My wife and I recently moved, and I finally decided it was time to get rid of cable. Now, it wasn't to switch to dish, because I'm pretty sure that sucks even worse. I no longer have a television provider, and I think I am going to be happy with the decision.

The thing that really helped me is that I'm cheap, and cable is super expensive. But the moving really pushed it over the edge as we were no longer able to keep Verizon FIOS which was actually pretty solid for my needs, and Bright House does not have a good cable package for somebody like me. 

Anyway, outside of sporting events, there isn't a whole lot of television that I actually watch live. I DVR normal shows, because then I don't have to wait through commercials. Now, I can just go to network websites and sit through limited commercials. It's certainly not worth paying $80 a month to not have any commercials in my life for scripted television.

So what am I missing out on at this point? Just sports. I like sports a whole bunch, so I will miss it. Now there are some less than legal means in finding sports streamed live online, but even that only covers the major sports. It's going to be quite a bit more difficult to find somebody streaming the Iowa/Minnesota wrestling meet on a Saturday night in the middle of winter (not that winter makes it harder to stream, but I thought it made the sentence sound more important). But that's really all I'm going to be totally missing out on, and $80 for BTN seems just a tad steep.

The Internet is changing the game, and it's time for an old cable supporter like myself to change with it. Yes, sports will be more difficult to watch, but looking at the cost/benefit of having cable, it became clear that it was time for a change. And if you don't like sports, what are you waiting for? You could get Amazon Prime, Netflix, and Hulu Plus for about $25 a month, which should take care of your every want and need. 

tl:dr version of this: I might miss some Iowa wrestling meets, but I'm cheap and saving money.