The Weight Cut: Week 2

It’s pretty funny that my weight is going to be 140 after this cut considering that I graduated high school at 143; I had basically zero muscle mass, and you probably could have described my body back then as petite. The way I am getting there is tuna and rice in the morning, tuna and rice in the afternoon, drinking nothing but distilled water, and a protein shake at night. I've found that if I only have seven ounces at a time, I can turn my regular protein shake into two smaller meals at night. Yes, seven ounces of protein shake has turned into a legit meal for me.

It’s Tuesday, and my weight is getting better. Since we have a messed up scale, I am approximately 146 Coach told me that I’m not filling out my shirts as well, so I guess that’s a positive, but I probably look like even more of a little bitch right now.

By Wednesday night, things are definitely getting a little depressing. I had a shitty practice which didn’t help, but I’m just in a funk right now. I’m weaker than normal, and I can’t concentrate on anything. It’s kind of like a bad drunk where I really can’t function to my full capabilities; I realize I’m fucked up, but I can’t really do anything about it, so I’m like in Zombie Drunk mode. I watched the movie MacGruber and thought it was really good. It might have been funny, but it definitely could have sucked and I was just in a giggly mood. This paragraph might not make sense to people, but I’m not going to edit it when I get back to full strength. I think that makes this artsy.

I also decided to screw over the system and sign up for a free trial membership at Midtown Sports & Wellness. This place is off the chain nice, but I have a zero chance of actually joining. I usually feel guilty about this, but they made me wait like fifteen minutes before somebody helped me, so I am doing this guilt free. Basically, I needed to have a place with a working scale, and I also needed a place that had a sauna for my cut on Friday. Their usual deal is three days, but I went in and got five, because I’m sexy. God bless my good looks.

On Thursday, I had an average breakfast, a light lunch, and a protein shake for dinner. I’m hungry all the time, but nothing interesting happened on Thursday since I just did 45 minutes on a bike to get a little sweat going.

Friday was judgment day, and it started at 5AM when I was a good guy and took my roommate to the airport. I then had my first of two protein shakes for the day. Then, at 3:00, I went to the gym to see how much I needed to sweat out in the sauna. I was at 143, so it wasn’t going too bad of a sweat. It’s just that my body was already drained from a lack of nourishment, but I knew that being this close I could sweat off the rest. Honestly, the sauna was pretty relaxing. I just took a book in with me and read to pass the time so it went by pretty quick. I got done with two rounds and was just slightly over. Then the most glorious thing ever happened; I had to pee. My weight dropped .4 pounds which would have made me safe according to the scale, but I decided I’d do one more quick round just in case the scale was off. I got down to 139.2 before making my hour drive up to Rio Rancho.

I was worried about being horribly undernourished and dehydrated for the drive, but the sauna actually made me feel better than I had earlier in the day. I made it up to the place, checked in, and got on the scales, 139.2. I decided to get a professional drawing of myself at this weight, and here is how it turned out:
For some reason, they made me slightly tanner, and replaced my Seattle Storm gym bag with a suitcase.

I managed to drop 13 pounds in 12 days. I’m not gonna lie; it fucking sucked, but it was still good to go through that. After I weighed in, I had four dinners spread out by an hour and a half each. It was the happiest I have been in the last two weeks. So I did it, congratulations to me. Wait…what? I have to compete tomorrow? Fuck. Well, I’ve got weight cutting skills, and tomorrow will tell me whether I have some grappling skills.

-Joe

P.S. I wasn't lying about having a Seattle Storm gym bag. I love that thing.

P.P.S. Although a lot of people have probably already seen this, and even though it's long, I would definitely take a look at this profile of a former NFL agent by SI.

The Weight Cut: Week 1

If there's one thing I know about women, it's that each and every one of them thinks that they're overweight. Well ladies, I got great news for you; I am going to show you how to lose twelve pounds in twelve days. You might even be able to lose more, because I had to trim weight off a body that is pure twisted steel and sex appeal, while you have a body that is pure jello lady. So here is my retro diary on my first week of weight cutting.

It's Wednesday, and weight cutting is not fun. I knew this going into it, but I thought it would be a good experience that I could look back on and laugh. Currently, I feel no reason for laughter. I basically gave myself twelve days to cut twelve pounds (from 152 to 140). The first three days, I have been trimming down my meals. It’s not that I’m in pain, but I am hungry, and I don’t like being hungry. Honestly, things have been pretty smooth so far, but it’s only the beginning.

After three days of dieting my way, I finally got some advice from one of my coaches, Little John. Now breakfast is my biggest meal, lunch is my second biggest, and dinner is either extremely small or just a protein shake. I’m trying to cut out all solids after 5:00, so that’s kind of a bummer.

Thursday was actually a pretty solid day for me considering everything. I’ve been limiting my food intake, and Thursdays are always the roughest practice of the week, but I absolutely flew through all the conditioning and picked up some snazzy sweeps from guard when we worked on technique. Despite being hungry and having legs that already felt exhausted, I went for a four-mile run that night.

On Friday, I woke up and had a big meal of angel hair pasta and tuna with some sauce to top it off. This is not a glamorous meal, but this is the biggest meal that I have had this week so it was a great delight. After that meal settled, I went for a six mile run around noon. I wanted to get a good run in when the sun was really beating down to try to burn off as much weight as possible. My legs were sore going into it, but I persevered and ended up having a solid, though not spectacular, run. For lunch, my meal got blander as I had brown rice and tuna. Yep, that’s it. But here is the best thing about cutting weight: Every meal tastes awesome. I devoured that meal like it was Benihana. A little after that, I demeaned myself and went to Wal-Mart to weigh myself, because the scale at my gym is unreliable. Let me say, it is extremely awkward to take your wallet, keys, and cell phone out of your pocket, kick off your shoes, and weigh yourself at a Wal-Mart while a 250 pound woman with a cane just stares at you. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t move, she just stared. The good news is that I’m at 148. As long as I’m at 145 or lower, it shouldn’t be an awful day in the sauna when I hit it up on Friday. I’m definitely happy with my progress so far, but each pound is going to get harder and harder to lose.

On Saturday, I went for a three mile run, because I didn't have the energy for more. Saturday night was a depressing experience as I went to Buffalo Wild Wings with my buddy to watch his Oregon State Beavers and my Iowa Hawkeyes. The games turned out well, but I had to order a water and a salad at Buffalo Wild Wings. I'm pretty sure all the waitresses thought I was a fruit.

On Sunday, I ran another four miles before the NFL games started. It's really sad how good all food looks when watching commercials. I can honestly say that at this moment, the Taco Bell Big Box looks like the most glorious thing ever. Watching that commercial, I got a semi. I know that I would have to sit on the toilet while eating that meal, because it would literally drop straight through my system, but Goddamn, at the time, it seems totally worth it.

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And that's week one of my cut, approximate weight is 147-148 after cutting down on my meals. The first week wasn't awful as I had my pasta, sauce and tuna combo, my brown rice and tuna, and I also allowed myself to have cereal until my milk ran out. My meals get smaller and blander in week two.

-Joe

P.S. I would like to thank the show Mad Men for trying to get me addicted to heroin by describing it in the most awesome way possible. If this doesn't make you want to try heroin, then absolutely nothing will: “It’s like drinking 100 bottles of whiskey while someone licks your tits.” I think I could be pretty satisfied by a lot of activities if someone licked my tits while I was doing it, but maybe that's just me.

P.P.S. Yes, I went to Fat Chicks in Party Hats to get the image at the top.