Traumatized by Buying Pants

So I had to get some new dress pants this weekend, because, like Ric Flair, I just gotta style and profile. I thought this was going to be an easy experience, as it usually is not too painful. My biggest issue is that I have a small waist but some big ol’ gangsta thighs, so pants often hug my legs like spandex. 

Well, this was my biggest issue until my most recent excursion. I decided to get a couple pairs of 30W 30L and went to the dressing room to see how tight they would be on my legs. I put on the pants, and the legs felt a little snug but not too bad. I went to hook my pants up and realized that I was unable to. That's odd; I have been a 30W for as long as I can remember, and these pants were not even coming close.

I had just ate half a pizza about an hour before, so I was not feeling in tip-top shape, and these pants not fitting did not help. I didn't know what to do. I have been working out at least six days a week. Up until a few weeks ago, I was going on anywhere from 12-18 mile runs. I'll admit I'm not in the best shape of my life, but I'm still in pretty good shape. Why was this happening?

I tried on another pair, and I was able to squeeze into them, although it was not a comfortable fit. I finally bit the bullet and got a pair of 32s. They were a tad loose; I feel like 31 is my wheelhouse, but those are pretty tough to find when you are always trying to go cheap.

At this point, things really sunk in. I was in a haze. I could barely function at this point. I had the goal of getting new dress shoes as well, but I was in no shape to do any more shopping. I could barely speak as I made my purchase of my new pants. I bring this up only to mention what a giant bitch I was being. 32W is still very skinny and nothing to worry about, but I let this affect me for the next few hours.

I wish this had a happy ending where I became a grownup and did not worry about my waist size not being quite as small as it used to, but it doesn't. I'm still obsessing over it, which means I'm switching up my workout plan. I woke up Sunday morning and went for a run in eight degree weather. It sucked really bad, but it was a necessary step.

One day, maybe I will become a well-adjusted adult who can handle small things like that without it greatly changing my daily routine, but that day ain't today. Now I'm gonna go do some Yoga and get my zen on.

The Ultimate Warrior Gives Hulk Hogan A Verbal Beatdown - Part One

It finally happened. After weeks of anticipation, The Warrior finally delivered on his promise that karma was coming to collect on Hulk Hogan. He had shown us some choice excerpts to whet our appetite, but on Friday, he released all 57 minutes, split up into nine parts, on his website and YouTube.

I know when I really hate people, it takes me about five minutes of pure verbal abuse before I'm worn out. So when Warrior first spoke of this video, I assumed that, at most, half of it would be dissing Hogan, and he'd tackle some other topics along the way. Nope. Warrior has 57 minutes of video, and 55 minutes of pure hatred for Hulk Hogan. His hatred of Hulk Hogan is 11 times my hatred of any other person. And that doesn't even count that he had someone edit this, meaning they actually cut some of his hatred out. Yes, The Ultimate Warrior is incredibly awesome.

Before I get into this, I want to give a warning to everyone out there. If you start watching this, you will not be able to stop.

PART ONE:

The Warrior is very wise, so he starts off the video by establishing his credibility and diminishing any credibility from Hulk Hogan and any of his friends. He is the only person who has become an adult. The rest of them still act like selfish children.

The Warrior is clearly above other people in the wrestling business, so he states that he doesn't care about the wrestling business.

Next, he brings up how ridiculous it is that Hulk Hogan doesn't acknowledge his impact on the business. He's also pissed about Renegade. I'm hoping he meant this version...

Because I absolutely love this version...

Lorenzo Lamas was a badass. But I digress.

Warrior also hates somebody named Trident or Triton or Trytan. I don't remember the guy, but it seems as though it was another Ultimate Warrior copycat. 

Simple minded people would say that this is a contradiction, but true Warriors would realize that he both doesn't care about the wrestling business but needs to mention that Hulk should recognize his contribution to the business, while laughing at their failed attempts to copy his gimmick. It's called a Clothesline of Creativity, try to keep up. Speaking of Clotheslines of Creativity, here is the best quote from part one:

“I do own a piece of your psyche. And if I do, then all the Ultimate Warrior fans do too.”

Hell fucking yeah. I own a piece of Hulk Hogan's psyche. It's totally badass being a Warrior. Onto Part Two.

PART TWO:

Part Two was probably the strongest part of the entire series of videos, but there were a lot of things that were in his highlight video that he released a couple weeks before this video. I will only briefly touch on those things, like this quote on Hulk Hogan's open marriage:

"I bet I'm the only guy who ever said no to doing your wife."

I don't know where I'll ever be able to use that, but god damn, I sure would like to tell somebody that before I die.

Hulk Hogan apparently loves drugs. Here is the proof.
Hulk Hogan said this all the time “A day without smoking pot is like a day without sunshine.”

There are days where Hulk does nothing but snort cocaine.

Hulk Hogan hides drugs in his fanny pack.

Juvy Juice, which is not to be confused with Juvie Juice. It's actually Rejuvenation Juice and it amps up the dopamine levels, gets you really high, and it can kill you. Hulk had it in a half gallon bottle. 

1. Wrestlers come up with the coolest phrases ever.

2. I have doubted fanny packs for a long time, but it appears that they may be pretty damn awesome. I guess I should have bought that leather American Flag fanny pack when I had the chance.

3. I'll stick with Juvie Juice instead of Juvy Juice.

After this, the Warrior gets bored with Hulk's drug habits and starts to attack his look. He is not impressed with somebody wearing a do-rag at almost sixty years old. Warrior also says that Hulk wears 50 cent sunglasses. Those are not to be confused with 50 Cent sunglasses.

He then talks about Hogan's flap of extensions.The Ultimate Warrior cannot contain his laughter after telling the world this. I would argue that the following is probably the greatest clothesline of creativity in the entire video series:

"If you lift the flap of extensions on the back of Hulk's neck, you would find The Wizard of Oz. I was only partially right, you would find the scarecrow, the tin man, and the lion, because you don't have a brain, you don't have a heart, and you have absolutely no fucking courage."

That's what we in the industry like to call a "BURN."

But my favorite part of the video was one of the few times where he took a break from bashing Hogan. When Warrior sees a combover or overweight people, he says, “there's some serious character flaws, serious lack of character happening there.” Ultimate Warrior HATES fat people (and bald people too).

PART THREE:

There are only two things of note in this part.

First off, when The Warrior says, “I want to wrap this thing up.” This loses a little luster, considering there are still five more parts and a bonus video after this.

Second, Warrior just cited Macho Man's rap album, and agreed with the song, “Be A Man” because it tells Hulk to...um, Be A Man.

And that wraps up part one of my analysis of The Ultimate Warrior's "Karma's Coming To Collect" videos. Tune in tomorrow for part two.

Your Founding Father of Hottness,

Hott Joe

P.S. Jose Canseco LOVES chandeliers, or chandeleers:

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Lake house has no chandeleers and I need some. Any light company want to trade 2 or 3 for signed bat or any game worn piece of equipment.

The Weight Cut: Week 2

It’s pretty funny that my weight is going to be 140 after this cut considering that I graduated high school at 143; I had basically zero muscle mass, and you probably could have described my body back then as petite. The way I am getting there is tuna and rice in the morning, tuna and rice in the afternoon, drinking nothing but distilled water, and a protein shake at night. I've found that if I only have seven ounces at a time, I can turn my regular protein shake into two smaller meals at night. Yes, seven ounces of protein shake has turned into a legit meal for me.

It’s Tuesday, and my weight is getting better. Since we have a messed up scale, I am approximately 146 Coach told me that I’m not filling out my shirts as well, so I guess that’s a positive, but I probably look like even more of a little bitch right now.

By Wednesday night, things are definitely getting a little depressing. I had a shitty practice which didn’t help, but I’m just in a funk right now. I’m weaker than normal, and I can’t concentrate on anything. It’s kind of like a bad drunk where I really can’t function to my full capabilities; I realize I’m fucked up, but I can’t really do anything about it, so I’m like in Zombie Drunk mode. I watched the movie MacGruber and thought it was really good. It might have been funny, but it definitely could have sucked and I was just in a giggly mood. This paragraph might not make sense to people, but I’m not going to edit it when I get back to full strength. I think that makes this artsy.

I also decided to screw over the system and sign up for a free trial membership at Midtown Sports & Wellness. This place is off the chain nice, but I have a zero chance of actually joining. I usually feel guilty about this, but they made me wait like fifteen minutes before somebody helped me, so I am doing this guilt free. Basically, I needed to have a place with a working scale, and I also needed a place that had a sauna for my cut on Friday. Their usual deal is three days, but I went in and got five, because I’m sexy. God bless my good looks.

On Thursday, I had an average breakfast, a light lunch, and a protein shake for dinner. I’m hungry all the time, but nothing interesting happened on Thursday since I just did 45 minutes on a bike to get a little sweat going.

Friday was judgment day, and it started at 5AM when I was a good guy and took my roommate to the airport. I then had my first of two protein shakes for the day. Then, at 3:00, I went to the gym to see how much I needed to sweat out in the sauna. I was at 143, so it wasn’t going too bad of a sweat. It’s just that my body was already drained from a lack of nourishment, but I knew that being this close I could sweat off the rest. Honestly, the sauna was pretty relaxing. I just took a book in with me and read to pass the time so it went by pretty quick. I got done with two rounds and was just slightly over. Then the most glorious thing ever happened; I had to pee. My weight dropped .4 pounds which would have made me safe according to the scale, but I decided I’d do one more quick round just in case the scale was off. I got down to 139.2 before making my hour drive up to Rio Rancho.

I was worried about being horribly undernourished and dehydrated for the drive, but the sauna actually made me feel better than I had earlier in the day. I made it up to the place, checked in, and got on the scales, 139.2. I decided to get a professional drawing of myself at this weight, and here is how it turned out:
For some reason, they made me slightly tanner, and replaced my Seattle Storm gym bag with a suitcase.

I managed to drop 13 pounds in 12 days. I’m not gonna lie; it fucking sucked, but it was still good to go through that. After I weighed in, I had four dinners spread out by an hour and a half each. It was the happiest I have been in the last two weeks. So I did it, congratulations to me. Wait…what? I have to compete tomorrow? Fuck. Well, I’ve got weight cutting skills, and tomorrow will tell me whether I have some grappling skills.

-Joe

P.S. I wasn't lying about having a Seattle Storm gym bag. I love that thing.

P.P.S. Although a lot of people have probably already seen this, and even though it's long, I would definitely take a look at this profile of a former NFL agent by SI.

The Weight Cut: Week 1

If there's one thing I know about women, it's that each and every one of them thinks that they're overweight. Well ladies, I got great news for you; I am going to show you how to lose twelve pounds in twelve days. You might even be able to lose more, because I had to trim weight off a body that is pure twisted steel and sex appeal, while you have a body that is pure jello lady. So here is my retro diary on my first week of weight cutting.

It's Wednesday, and weight cutting is not fun. I knew this going into it, but I thought it would be a good experience that I could look back on and laugh. Currently, I feel no reason for laughter. I basically gave myself twelve days to cut twelve pounds (from 152 to 140). The first three days, I have been trimming down my meals. It’s not that I’m in pain, but I am hungry, and I don’t like being hungry. Honestly, things have been pretty smooth so far, but it’s only the beginning.

After three days of dieting my way, I finally got some advice from one of my coaches, Little John. Now breakfast is my biggest meal, lunch is my second biggest, and dinner is either extremely small or just a protein shake. I’m trying to cut out all solids after 5:00, so that’s kind of a bummer.

Thursday was actually a pretty solid day for me considering everything. I’ve been limiting my food intake, and Thursdays are always the roughest practice of the week, but I absolutely flew through all the conditioning and picked up some snazzy sweeps from guard when we worked on technique. Despite being hungry and having legs that already felt exhausted, I went for a four-mile run that night.

On Friday, I woke up and had a big meal of angel hair pasta and tuna with some sauce to top it off. This is not a glamorous meal, but this is the biggest meal that I have had this week so it was a great delight. After that meal settled, I went for a six mile run around noon. I wanted to get a good run in when the sun was really beating down to try to burn off as much weight as possible. My legs were sore going into it, but I persevered and ended up having a solid, though not spectacular, run. For lunch, my meal got blander as I had brown rice and tuna. Yep, that’s it. But here is the best thing about cutting weight: Every meal tastes awesome. I devoured that meal like it was Benihana. A little after that, I demeaned myself and went to Wal-Mart to weigh myself, because the scale at my gym is unreliable. Let me say, it is extremely awkward to take your wallet, keys, and cell phone out of your pocket, kick off your shoes, and weigh yourself at a Wal-Mart while a 250 pound woman with a cane just stares at you. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t move, she just stared. The good news is that I’m at 148. As long as I’m at 145 or lower, it shouldn’t be an awful day in the sauna when I hit it up on Friday. I’m definitely happy with my progress so far, but each pound is going to get harder and harder to lose.

On Saturday, I went for a three mile run, because I didn't have the energy for more. Saturday night was a depressing experience as I went to Buffalo Wild Wings with my buddy to watch his Oregon State Beavers and my Iowa Hawkeyes. The games turned out well, but I had to order a water and a salad at Buffalo Wild Wings. I'm pretty sure all the waitresses thought I was a fruit.

On Sunday, I ran another four miles before the NFL games started. It's really sad how good all food looks when watching commercials. I can honestly say that at this moment, the Taco Bell Big Box looks like the most glorious thing ever. Watching that commercial, I got a semi. I know that I would have to sit on the toilet while eating that meal, because it would literally drop straight through my system, but Goddamn, at the time, it seems totally worth it.

************

And that's week one of my cut, approximate weight is 147-148 after cutting down on my meals. The first week wasn't awful as I had my pasta, sauce and tuna combo, my brown rice and tuna, and I also allowed myself to have cereal until my milk ran out. My meals get smaller and blander in week two.

-Joe

P.S. I would like to thank the show Mad Men for trying to get me addicted to heroin by describing it in the most awesome way possible. If this doesn't make you want to try heroin, then absolutely nothing will: “It’s like drinking 100 bottles of whiskey while someone licks your tits.” I think I could be pretty satisfied by a lot of activities if someone licked my tits while I was doing it, but maybe that's just me.

P.P.S. Yes, I went to Fat Chicks in Party Hats to get the image at the top.