West Coast Dance Can Be Dangerous

I headed back to my hometown this past weekend as I head many chums back in town to participate in the annual Snowbird Softball Tournament.  I did not participate.  Some would say that this is because I am awful at softball.  And honestly, I'd have to agree.  I've played in three tournaments and only won two of them, so I think it might qualify as the thing that I am the worst at.

After a night of heavy drinking on Friday, a couple buddies and I woke up early to grab breakfast before the first game at 10 AM.  Since the first game was at 10 AM, that meant drinking started at 10 AM.  Unfortunately, the team was unable to get drunk fast enough and they are awful softball players when sober.

The rest of the day rotated between playing softball and heading to a bar where we purchased a keg so we could all get plenty intoxicated.  They won their next two games before losing their fourth and final game when they ran up against a team that had avoided vagina at all costs in order to focus on their softball skills.  They may have won the softball game, but they got blown out in the game of life.

Once the team was eliminated from the tournament, everyone went from get drunk mode to get blacked out drunk mode.  The beer was flowing like the mighty Mississippi River and good times were had by all.

Around 1 AM, 15 hours into our drinkathon, a friend and I decided that it was time to cross the river so we could have an extra hour of drinking...and an extra hour of dancing, because I was at that very special point in my intoxication where West Coast Dance was not only possible, but inevitable.  I called a female and sang to her, "I'm Hott Joe, you know me," and she immediately agreed to drive us across the river.  As I've stated before, LL Hott J, Ladies Love Hott Joe.

My buddy and I got into a dance off, and this is definitely a moment of browning out.  I know that I blew him away in the dance off, but I am not sure of any of the moves that I performed (a common occurrence in West Coast Dance).  I then proceeded to blow everyone off the dance floor.  My female escort was so impressed with my moves that she tried to stay off the dance floor, because she just wanted to lean back and enjoy the show.  It was a special performance where I was hitting every single one of my moves to perfection.

Unfortunately, yet completely unsurprisingly, my sexual magnetism was too much, so a couple random broads were screaming at me to stop.  My moves got them so hot that they wanted to fight me in order to avoid exploding in ecstasy right there on the dance floor.  I informed them that trying to stop West Coast Dance is laughable, it's not even something you can contain.  Once it's turned on, it's ON.  When they realized that there was nothing they could do, I'm pretty sure they ran to the bathroom to clean themselves up.  It's probably for the best, because I believe my escort for that evening would have fought them for trying to stop my amazing dance moves.

I wanted to share this story as a warning to those aspiring West Coast Dancers all over the world.  It's an extremely powerful thing, and the ability to harness its power is something that must be developed over time.  Once you get to the level that I and only a select few are on, no amount of alcohol will slow it down, because you reach a state where inebriation no longer hinders your movements, it only enhances your enjoyment.

So, remember kids, don't try this at home, try it at the club, and let the ladies cum to you.

-Joe

P.S.  Don't be fooled by impostors.  This is not West Coast Dance.  Neither is this.

No Way Jose: A Story of Redemption

This was a rough weekend for the blog's favorite human being, Jose Canseco. When most people are going through rough patches, they try to deal with things the best they can while possibly looking for help from family and friends. Jose scoffs at these people. When things are going bad for him, he turns to Twitter, because his followers need to know this information. For that, I thank you Jose. You are a true American hero. But let's go into a weekend of tweets from Jose while the world comes crashing down on him. We'll keep Jose's comments in normal font, and I'll put mine in bold.

JoseCanseco It is true I got evicted everything has gone incredibly wrong since I wrote the book juiced.I am now the modern day frankenstein
You want to talk about somebody bringing their A-Game to start the weekend, that's what Jose does right here. He starts it off by answering a question that nobody asked. Jose, I never asked you if you got evicted, so you don't need to pronounce the truthfulness if your statement before making it. Jose seems surprised that he got evicted, but considering that Jose has worked about as much as me in the last nine months, it would make sense that he got evicted. Come on Jose, if you want to live on your own and not have a job, you've got to live with your parents for two years so you can save up cash. Everybody knows that.

JoseCanseco Mlb has gone out of there way to distroy my life and they have succeded.I didn't realize how powerful they are till now.
It would be petty of me to point out his misspellings, because destroy and succeeded are two multi-syllable words, so we'll give him a pass on it. Let's focus on the message. Canseco recognizes the power of MLB as Major League Baseball has chosen to destroy Jose Canseco's life. It's a good thing that MLB is in a peaceful labor situation right now. If not, I imagine this meeting would happen:

Bud Selig: What are we going to do about this labor dispute?

Top Ranking Official: Well, Johnson and Smith are our best men. If we could get them working on it, we could get it taken care of in no time.

Bud Selig: You know that's not possible, they're still working on destroying Jose Canseco's life. We must keep our priorites straight. We'll get the Phillie Phanatic and the San Diego Chicken to take care of these less pressing issues.
(And yes, I do believe that the San Diego Chicken and Phillie Phanatic are the number three and four best people MLB has)

JoseCanseco I have lost everything. Makes you wanna cry but there's no crying in baseball.and my dad said men don't cry but he was wrong
This would seem to be the end of Jose's humor as MLB has finally defeated him, but never count out Jose Canseco, because he will stick it to you (Get it? It's a steroids joke).

JoseCanseco Someone should do a show called form the penthouse to the garage
At first I thought there was a typo, and he meant from the penthouse to the garage, but then Aaron Gleeman from Hardball Talk brought up that "Form The Penthouse to the Garage" would be an awesome show. I have to agree. I imagine a lot of people have Penthouses away from their garage and would love it if those two could be formed together to make a Penthouserage. Jose might be back on his feet if this idea takes off.

JoseCanseco I will play softball for food. Lol
Hell yeah, Jose will never stop making jokes, jokes so good that he has literally made himself laugh out loud. I sure hope somebody takes him up on the offer. I also hope that Stadium Club considers giving him a spot on the team for Snowbird Softball.

JoseCanseco I had to give away one of my dogs that broke my heart cause I love animals and I am surprised my girlfriend hasn't left me because I have 0
Is there anything coming up more exciting than Jose Canseco's girlfriend dumping him? Clearly, this is going to happen, and I don't think it's too far off. And once it does, the tweets are going to be off the chain. I also expect that this will directly lead to Jose and I becoming best friends...forever. This blog is going to be 1000 times cooler when I can write about me and my good chum Jose Canseco, palling around and scoping some strange. Jose finally took a break from Tweeting for a little bit, but he came back, and he came back strong.

JoseCanseco First of all tmz is lieing I shop at marshalls
Most disappointing part about this tweet was that it did not start an epic list of things that he needed the world to know. The second most disappointing thing was when I went to TMZ to see the story of "Jose Canseco Does Not Shop at Marshall's," I was unable to find it. In fact, TMZ hasn't had a story involving Jose Canseco since he wore a really tight shirt. That story was like a year ago. But just in case you read the imaginary story saying that Jose does not shop at Marshall's, don't worry about it, that imaginary story is lying. Jose's just like us, looking for great threads at great prices, don't let anything in Imaginationland make you think differently.

JoseCanseco I am sleeping in someones garage but its pretty good
I wonder if that person has been able to form his penthouse to the garage yet. I bet that's Jose's job instead of paying for rent.

JoseCanseco Yes I did sign with the laredo broncos I miss and love the game will be with them on monday
And despite MLB's best efforts, Jose Canseco is back, playing the game that he loves. Yes, it's independent ball, but it's not for the money, it's for the love of the game. Jose has been looking into becoming a manager, maybe he could be player-manager for Laredo. Jose, your star shines bright. You are a true (Cuban) American hero.

-Joe

P.S. Kenny Powers also tweets, this is what he had to say:
KFUCKINGP If you're not wasted, the fucking day is.

P.P.S. I really wish one of my friends was a Raiders fan, because this would be the ultimate slap in the face gift for them. At only $3, it would also make a pretty awesome fantasy football trophy.

My Favorites

I like it when people disagree with me, because that is a surefire way to find out if someone is a moron. I like Natural Light, yet take abuse for having a sophisticated sense of taste. I'm classy, and now I have proof. Because there's another person who loves the smooth flavor of Natural Light, and if you're a true American, there's no way you're talking shit about him.



That's right, Mickey "Motherfucking" Mantle. He knows that taste is why you'll switch. So suck on that haters.

Next up, a couple recent videos from the man, the myth, the legend, THUNDER DOUG!



Yep, he's still dunking. Plus, this next video combines dunks and an interview. I don't think he has actually taken a real shot in Europe. I also think he might already be President of Poland.



Although I could not confirm it at the time of this post, I am nearly positive Dwight Howard pissed himself watching this video.

So, remember kids, drinking Natural Light and watching Thunder Doug dunk are two things that not only make hair grow on your balls, but also make you irresistible to women. It's the second weekend in February, go out and try it.

-Joe

P.S. After a ton of scouting and analysis, I am willing to make my prediction for the Snowbird Slow-Pitch Softball Tournament. This year's champions will be none other than the team from...THE STADIUM CLUB.