My Shinesty NFL Jacket Is On Point

Through my seven years of blogging, it has been quite the lucrative endeavor. I have managed to get a deep fryer, $40, and now a Chicago Bears suit jacket for my troubles. It's true what they say, Blogger = Baller. The good people at Shinesty saw that I like to talk about football and offered to send me a jacket in exchange for giving my review on this website, and that is an exchange that I happily agreed to.

I will admit that, at first, I was skeptical. The jackets are totally ridiculous looking, but then I put it on, and I kind of liked it. I thought it would be paper thin material, but it was strong fabric, comfortable, and fit me like a glove.

As a football fan who grew up in the Midwest, sometime in October, it became too cold to wear my favorite t-shirt or polo to the game without flirting with hypothermia. This meant that I switched to hoodies, and even though I love hoodies, it's impossible to not resemble a hobo when wearing one. Day drinking is a great time to pursue romantic interests, but it's a lot harder to break that ice if they aren't sure whether you are going to take them home or to a cardboard box.

That is where Shinesty, well, shines. Instead of looking like a hobo, you can look like someone who looks sharp. Is it loud and outrageous? Of course it is, but as all the classic PUAs would suggest, outrageous clothing is really just great peacocking.

Even I will admit that this jacket is not for everyone. You have to have a baseline level of confidence to truly pull it off, because you are going to turn heads. But if your swag factor is strong, and you want to look sharp when supporting your favorite football team, then the Shinesty jacket is the right choice for you.

The 45 Most Important Players to the Chicago Bulls Dynasty - #12 Scott Williams

Scott Williams
Scott Williams was a McDonalds All-American coming out of high school and decided to take his talents across the country as he moved away from California to attend the University of North Carolina. He had a good, although not great collegiate career, as he averaged double-digit points during his final three years while being a good rebounder. It was pretty amazing for Williams to do as well as he did in college as during his sophomore year, his parents died when his father committed a murder-suicide at their home in California.

Williams went undrafted in 1990, but the Bulls signed as a free agent shortly after the draft. This is where Williams' luck started to change. As a North Carolina graduate, Michael Jordan immediately took a liking to him. It also helped that the Bulls only draft pick that year, Toni Kukoc, chose not to sign with the team despite repeated attempts by Bulls management.

Even though Williams never set the world on fire, his contributions increased every year he was with the Bulls. During his rookie season, he was the last guy off the bench throughout the regular season. But when the playoffs hit, the Bulls liked his energy so much that he ended up taking Stacey King's minutes in the NBA Finals and getting significant playing time in all of the wins over the Lakers. In fact, the Bulls went 12-0 when Williams saw playing time during the 1991 playoffs.

In 1991-92, Williams continued his trend of making a bigger impact when it counts the most. Throughout the season, he had two games where he scored double-digit points, but in the playoffs, he managed three such games. He was the second-to-last person off the bench during the regular season, but he was the first big man off the bench for the playoffs as the Bulls relied on his energy and versatility to play both the power forward and center positions.

For the Bulls final title of their first threepeat, Williams had solidified himself as an essential part of the team. He was the first guy off the bench in both the regular season and in the playoffs. Although Williams didn't light up the box score, he provided good defense and rebounding and was a key in solidifying the bench unit of that final championship season.

Before we get to his post-Bulls career, how about you take a seat, listen to some funky beats and watch Scott Williams highlights for four minutes (Spoiler alert: Williams puts on some weight)?


He would last one more year with the Bulls, and let's just say he wasn't thrilled with how he was treated by the team.

So, yeah, he chose to get out of town and join up with the Philadelphia 76ers as a free agent. He would then play for Milwaukee which led to my favorite nugget when researching Williams. He was involved in a trade along with a current NBA player when, in 2001, the Milwaukee Bucks traded him and a 2004 first round pick to the Denver Nuggets for Aleksandar Radojevic and Kevin Willis. That future first rounder would be used to select Josh Smith who is kind of current since he played a few games for the New Orleans Pelicans earlier this season. Williams would also play for Phoenix, Dallas, and Cleveland before retiring in 2005. After retiring, he has spent his time bouncing between basketball coaching and announcing.

And if you needed any evidence that YouTube is the absolute best, here is Scott Williams allegedly seducing some ladies at a Suns game.

I love the internet.

Previous Entries:

#45 - Jack Haley

#44 - Rory Sparrow

#43 - Chuck Nevitt

#42 - David Vaughn

#41 - Jo Jo English

#40 - Ricky Blanton

#39 - Matt Steigenga

#38 - Joe Courtney

#37 - Keith Booth

#36 - Mark Randall

#35 - Ed Nealy

#34 - Rusty LaRue

#33 - Corey Williams

#32 - Joe Kleine

#31 - John Salley

#30 - James Edwards

#29 - Robert Parish

#28 - Darrell Walker

#27 - Rodney McCray

#26 - Dennis Hopson

#25 - Trent Tucker

#24 - Dickey Simpkins

#23 - Bobby Hansen

#22 - Scott Burrell

#21 - Bison Dele

#20 - Craig Hodges

#19 - Jud Buechler

#18 - Randy Brown

#17 - Cliff Levingston

#16 - Stacey King

#15 - Jason Caffey

#14 - Bill Wennington

#13 - Will Perdue

Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me About The 21 Convention?

You should all be ashamed of yourselves. How could notify me that not only does something called The 21 Convention exist, but that it was less than two hours away from me in Orlando. At least one of you must have known about it, because it is simply too hilarious for me to not be exposed to it.

For those of you that were not withholding this information from me, you're probably asking what The 21 Convention is. Well, as the top of their website states, it is, "The Best Event For Life On Earth As A Man." This is why I am so disappointed that I did not know about it. I mean, for the low low price of $1499 (less than $1500), I could have gone to the best event for life on Earth as a man. As a man, this event would have been especially relevant to me.

So, I am doing something that is painful but needed. I'm going to go through the five speakers that I was most bummed to not be able to see in person. And trust me, if you go to their website, you'll understand that it was incredibly difficult to keep the list at just five.

5. Ross Jefferies - Master-Hypnotist
I'm almost positive they mentioned this guy in The Game by Neil Strauss. I really love their introductory paragraph for him as it states, "Ross Jeffries has been described as someone who not only knows more than any one in the world about how persuasion and seduction works, but more than anyone ever SHOULD know about these topics." Can you imagine seeing this guy in a club trying to seduce women? Instead of dangling a watch, he probably dangles his dentures. Seriously, in that picture above, there is no way he has teeth in his mouth. Probably the most impressive thing about Ross is that, judging by his picture, he has been dead for at least 15 years. I'd love to hear about what he has to say about seduction in the afterlife.

4. Tanner Guzy - Founder, Masculine Style
This man should never be able to describe anything he does as masculine. Look at this string beans he has hanging from those deflated shoulders. Pathetic. He's wearing a mustard yellow jacket, but he did not make the Pro Football Hall of Fame. You've got to earn your jacket, you beta.

3. Zan Perrion - Founder, Ars Amorata
This guy's entire look is poor man's Johnny Depp. The only thing that you really need to know about him is that he is one of the founding members of today's "burgeoning community of international pickup artists." Why is there not a Netflix documentary on the burgeoning community of international pickup artists? That is something I could seriously get behind.

2. Eric Von Sydow aka Hypnotica - Author and Coach For Men
Oh hell yeah, it's the unknown third member of The Ascension. He's an expert in female-male interaction, but I think that just means that he knows how to club his woman without killing her. This brohemoth earned the title of, "Inner Game Guru" by killing the man who had it before him. I honestly can't believe he's not number one on this list.

1. Socrates - Relationship Philosopher
Oh, hell yeah. If I want to learn about picking up chicks, it is definitely from a guy who looks like this. Also, his name is Socrates, I'm sure he philosophizes what it would be like to see a woman naked. Honestly, judging by that gut, he may just be wondering what it would be like to see Mr. Winky again. The original Socrates said, "An unexamined life is not worth living." Well, this Socrates must believe that an unexamined penis is not worth using.

The thing that put Socrates over the top was that with your $1499 ticket, you also got admission to an "Intellectual Party at Socrates' House." Fu-huck, that sounds so ridiculously incredibly ridiculous that I cannot find the words to properly explain its importance. Oh, but The 21 Convention did.

Can't argue with that. I'm so sad I missed out on this.

My Trip to the Emergency Room

I am somebody who is pretty damn healthy for 32 years of age. I run multiple times a week, play with the dog and go through jiu jitsu and wrestling training every week. I have been fortunate as I haven't really run into any serious health issues. I make health conscious decisions, and it has paid off for me.

But last Wednesday I was in so much pain that an emergency room visit was my only option.

Wednesday nights are the nights where I get my ass kicked. I have an hour of wrestling followed by an hour plus of jiu jitsu. I made it through wrestling just fine and continued on to jiu jitsu. As we were doing drills, I just felt tight, like something wasn't totally right. I thought I just needed to stretch out more, but after about a half hour, we were about ready to go live, and my right side was so tight that I really couldn't twist my body. I spent about 30 seconds debating on whether I should just push through and keep going before wisely deciding that I needed to bow out of practice. I tried to walk it off, but things were definitely not improving, so I decided to head home.

As I was driving home, something horrible happened; my adrenaline wore off, and I realized I wasn't tight, I was in extreme pain. I tried to find an urgent care place but the one I found was closing in 15 minutes, and I kind of doubted my issue was going to be solved in 15 minutes. After that, the pain was too much for me think straight, so I didn't have the mental capacity to find an alternative option. I called my wife, let her know that I needed her to find a hospital and drive me there when I got home. After I hung up the phone, I had one goal, and that was to stay conscious through the pain to make sure I didn't go careening off the road. This is the first piece of evidence that I a melodramatic baby.

I made it home, and we set off for the hospital. On the way there, the pain got so bad that I nearly vomited, so I was stuck taking everything out of my dog's travel bag so I would have a place to puke. But I held it together and we made it to the small medical facility.

I signed in and was able to get a room in about five minutes. Unfortunately, that was just a room, and that didn't mean I was getting any actual medical attention. As I was waiting, I kept going to the bathroom as I felt I needed to drop a deuce, but every time I sat on the can, the feeling went away. Since I was just stewing in my own pain and filth (I had 90 minutes of sweat built up around my body from the workout), I paced around the bathroom, breathing heavy, half the time with my shorts around my ankles. It was not my sexiest moment.

During this wait, I had time to consider my options. This pain was terrible, and I'd be lying if I didn't think that I might need emergency surgery to save my life. Was this dramatic of me? Of course it was, and I'm not proud of it, but unexpected and unexplainable pain like that leads my mind to start working on the emotional side as opposed to the logical side. 

Still, I came up with three possible options for what ailed me. A sharp pain in my side, my mind immediately went to appendicitis. Like, I have heard that an appendix bursting is an unbearable pain, and this seemed pretty damn unbearable to me. But I thought there were usually warning signs before it got this intense, so after some contemplation, I put the odds fairly low on this one. Next up was maybe tearing a muscle during the workout, but it was a throb, more than just feeling like I had been stabbed, so I kind of doubted this option. The option I was most sold on was a hernia, as it was a pain that went from my front to my back straight through and just felt awful all around. 

Finally the nurse came in, but that was mostly just to tell me that the doctor would be a while. Basically, until the doctor saw me, they really couldn't do shit. So I sat there, laid there, and stood there, all in various states of horrific pain, making weird whimpers of pain all the while. I got an IV, but that was just to keep me hydrated for the time being. The nurse wrongly claimed that I didn't have that great of veins, but my veins are phenomenal.

Finally, the doctor saw me and agreed to give me medicine for pain and nausea. This only took me two hours. I could barely speak before getting that medicine, as I mostly communicated in grunts. But once that pain medicine hit? Ooh, girl, I was feeling good. So good. Was I still in pain? Yeah, but my pain went from 9.0-9.5 down to like a 3 or 4. I immediately wanted to start tweeting and Snapchatting my experience, but my wife wouldn't let me since there was still the possibility that I was going to need a serious surgery, and she was, like, concerned and stuff. Me? I didn't have a care in the world. I was slightly loopy, but it was just such a damn relief that it felt like euphoria. 

Finally, it was time for me to get a CAT scan. They were wheeling me over, and I was shaking uncontrollably. They thought that I was nervous, but I had to let them know that I was simply freezing. Hospitals tend to keep things on the cool side, and considering I was wearing clothes that were soaking wet from the gym. Maybe my best decision that night was having my wife grab my dry underwear from the car so I could put that on shortly after arriving at the emergency room. 

The CAT scan was fairly simple. They warned me that I would get an iodine shot that would make me feel warm and possibly make me think I was peeing myself but not to worry about it. The latter didn't happen, but man, when I got that iodine shot, all of that warmth they talked about went straight to my butthole. It wasn't an unpleasant experience, more like my body was in a pool while my butthole was in a hot tub. Then they scanned me, and I was good to go back in my room, cover up with blankets and watch hockey.

Things stayed relatively calm for the most part, but apparently the nausea medicine didn't take as I did finally fulfill my destiny and start vomiting profusely. That was just my body's hilarious way of saying that there was still something horribly wrong with me. 

After another hour, the doctor finally came in to give me the results. She started off by saying that my appendix looked great. I'm almost positive that this is how ER doctors flirt with patients, so I'm pretty sure that she was asking me out on a date. You know what they say about a guy with a great appendix? Neither do I, but I assume ladies in the medical community go crazy for them.

And then she dropped the bomb on me. What had caused me so much pain, what had caused the most manly of men to turn into the babiest of babies, what made this guy want to cry...a kidney stone.

The first emotion I felt was relief. My imagination had been going wild, and I was expecting a worst case scenario. At least this was something that I knew could be taken care of, and I would be healthy relatively soon. It was probably the best case scenario.

But I'd be lying if I wasn't a little disappointed. With the pain I was feeling, I kind of wanted the doctor to find something incredibly wrong with me and marvel at my bravery and pain tolerance. Like, a family of tarantulas crawled down my throat while I was sleeping, but my kidney held their arms while my small intestine choked them out, and now I would poop out spiders for the next few days, but I'll also do a lot of late night television for being literally the toughest dude alive. Like I said, I have quite the imagination. But no, it was just a kidney stone.

But don't get it twisted, kidney stones are no joke. But I'll tackle that topic next time.

Steel Panther Is The Only Concert You Need To See

I'm not a big concert guy. Outside of a deal at the fair in my hometown where you can go to six concerts for $40, I'm not sure if I've been to more than a handful of concerts, and two of those concerts were Weird Al and Wesley Willis. So, yeah, I'm not a concert guy. There's not many concerts that I would even want to see, but at the top of that list was Steel Panther, and good god, it was amazing.

First off, I guess I should let you know who Steel Panther is. They're the greatest rock group ever. In their simplest form, they are an 80s Hair Metal Band, just in present time. And you know how every 80s hair metal song was about sex, but they used innuendos? Steel Panther does the opposite in that they explain sex in the most gratuitous way possible. Seriously, one of their cleanest songs is called, "It Won't Suck Itself," because it's about getting bit by a snake and needing help getting the venom out. There are only two types of people in this world, people who have never heard of Steel Panther, and people who absolutely love Steel Panther. If you're not already, become a part of the latter group today.

Now I must admit that I am not somebody who gets excited in anticipation of things happening. Like, I'm heading to a wedding this weekend where my wife and I will see old friends, and it should be a good time. To my wife's disappointment, I can never say I'm excited by this. I know it'll be a good time, but the good time isn't here yet, and it's not something that I am building up in my head due to anticipation. I'm not filled with anticipation, so I don't get excited about these future events.

Steel Panther was the opposite of that.

Two weeks before the concert, I would just start thinking about it. I would be at work, listening to the songs and mouthing some of the dirtiest shit imaginable about gangbangs, Asians, and something that happens in adult films that rhymes with Moo Hockey, and I could feel it in my core, that excitement building. When we got to the week out mark, and I only listened to Steel Panther, I could not wipe the smile off my face. I knew Steel Panther would rock, and I was going to rock with them. There was no way it wouldn't be totally sweet.

Spoiler alert: It was totally sweet.

We got the opportunity to see Steel Panther at an ourdoor venue in downtown St. Petersburg on basically a perfect night with the night temperatures just dipping into the 70s. The venue was perfect for us as it was outdoors and probably had room for 1000 people. Beyonce played at Raymond James Stadium the night before, and I guarantee that her concert wasn't half the experience that Steel Panther provided.

Some dude opened up with his band and played for about a half hour. Finally, he said, "Alright, we got one more song (looks to his right)...wait, no more songs? Alright, we're done. Thank you, St. Petersburg!" The lesson is that you don't tell Steel Panther when you're done. They tell you when you're done.

After some set up, Steel Panther came on stage, and instantly rocked my ass off. They opened with "Eyes of a Panther," and it was on from there. Obviously, with songs like "Party Like Tomorrow Is The End of the World," "Death to All But Metal," and "Community Property," the show was obviously going to rock harder than anything that anyone could ever imagine, but they didn't just rely on how awesome their songs were. They put on a damn show.

For "Asian Hooker," they brought up an Asian girl and had choreography in the performance. For "Girl From Oklahoma," they brought up a random fan to serenade, and for "17 Girls in a Row," they brought up a bunch of girls and encouraged everyone to flash the audience (although only a few took them up on that offer).

And they took some breaks between songs to just have some fun banter. Now, explaining the banter would not be funny, as it was all sophomoric humor at best, but I was still laughing my face off at every goofy one liner. That's the thing with Steel Panther, you're there for a good time. You already like the guys in the band, so you'll find everything they say more charming and witty than you would a random stranger. It's the same way that priests get laughs at church. A priest has never said anything funny in the history of organized religion, but they always get those laughs from the congregation, because the congregation wants to like them. Steel Panther is like that, only like 100 billion times more awesome.

Steel Panther rocks harder than any band that has ever rocked. They make Guns N' Roses look like Winger. On top of this, they are ultimate showmen who entertain just as hard as they rock. I know what you're thinking, and I don't know how they're not the most popular band in the world either. But seriously, take advantage while you can see them with hundreds of like-minded people, because it is the only concert that you need to see.

I Had a Blast in Vegas...I Hope I Never Go Again

So after the fiasco of Iowa laying an egg at the Rose Bowl, there was only one thing to do change my luck: Drive four hours to Vegas. You're not going to believe this, but it didn't work. But that doesn't mean that I still wasn't able to make the most out of it.

The four hour drive was fairly miserable, mostly because my friends listened to country music the entire way, and now that I'm not a stupid high schooler, country music is complete garbage and should not be listened to by adults. But then I got there and started drinking, and that is the most reliable way to feel better. Oh, another really nice thing was when we were able to get in our hotel room, as a shower probably helped even more than the Bud Lights (judge me if you must, Natural Light wasn't available).

After I got cleaned up, it was basically time to go check out UFC 195 as our buddy, Tony Sims, was going to be fighting on the card that night. Although there were about 15 of us going, only three other guys wanted to go early with me. We walked in and went to our seats, which were of course nosebleeds. I quickly decided that these simply would not do, so we moved down to the third row into some empty seats. It is a way more baller way to watch fights.

We got to stay in those seats until the final three fights, which was bittersweet, as they were great seats, but it unfortunately gave us a great view of seeing our buddy get caught in a guillotine. After we got kicked out of our seats, we had to move up 25 rows, but we still had a great view of seeing a first round knockout by Stipe Miocic, and then one of the best fights in UFC history between Robbie Lawler and Carlos Condit. That fifth round was one of the craziest things I have ever seen, as I was literally jumping around and started hugging strangers when it was over, because none of us could believe what we had just seen.

Props to Tony for keeping his sense of humor and meeting up with everybody at a bar called Losers at Mandalay Bay. The unfortunate part was that it was a country bar, but at least there were two single, Australian women for a half dozen guys to hit on and be denied by. It really hammers home one of the best parts of being married is never having to hit on women. This was evident as the women asked me if I was married, and I said yes, ending any possibility of seducing them or them seducing me. Still, in my mind, I can assume that I dashed their hopes of hooking up with a Bonafide American Stud, even though they were likely just making small talk.

Luckily, I had two buddies that were tired of a place called Losers with overpriced drinks and wanted to go to the club where Tony had a VIP table. Even if he wasn't going, there was no reason we couldn't go and enjoy some free booze and scantily clad ladies in cages. When we got there, it was really fun, but that was simply because of the free alcohol. Like, you could have given me free booze in a dive bar with convicts, and I could have at least as much fun. At 31 years-old, I am not a club guy. Still, I did start to get down, had one girl who thought she could get down better than me, and then I proceeded to twerk her right off the stage. She was obviously impressed with the power of my dance moves, and also that I was dedicated enough to harm a girl with said dance moves.

Outside of the booze and booty shaking, my highlight was having a conversation with a guy who looked like the bad guy from Daredevil; he knew all of the girls that worked there, so I'm going to assume that he was an evil mastermind, and I was a pawn in his plan to take over the world.

After that, my buddy played some Craps, and I took advantage of more free drinks. After that, we headed back to the hotel, ran into people at McDonalds and took down some sausage burritos for sustenance. I usually hate McDonalds, but them having Sausage Burritos at any time can be really clutch when you are drunk and just need something that will help you not feel like shit the following morning. Bless you, Sausage Burritos.

It was 4:30 AM when we got back to the room and passed out. Then I woke up at 6:00 AM to catch my flight. Shockingly, I did not particularly enjoy my cross country flight back to Florida, especially since my body has decided that that I will never be able to sleep on an airplane.

This was by far my most positive Vegas experience. I had a great time, and I still felt a little empty when it was all said and done. Although free drinks are one of my favorite things in this world, gambling and glamour just don't do it for me. I can make the best of any situation, but Vegas is at the absolute bottom of places I want to see again.

I wish my friends would give me an excuse to go to Austin.

All of My Thoughts on Fashion

I am a simple man, a minimalist, some might say. I do not consider myself fashion forward, but over the years, I have gone from embarrassing slob to publicly acceptable when I need to be, and that's quite an accomplishment. Because of this, I have lots of thoughts on fashion, whether it be for relaxing or maxing out your potential to pick up chicks, I feel I know enough to make recommendations while staying cheap as fuck.

Relaxing
Relaxing is an essential part of life. When people tell me they are just a "jeans and t-shirt sort of guy/girl," my immediate thought is, "Why so fancy?" The first thing you need to know is jeans suck for relaxing. Denim is a heavy material that isn't all that comfortable. I would rather relax in a pair of slacks than wear jeans. They suck, and you should really limit your use of them.

If you really want to relax. Hey, that t-shirt half of "jeans and a t-shirt" is a great start, but it isn't essential. The great thing about relaxing is being free of the burdensome feeling in our daily lives. Feel free to go shirtless, and yes, this does go for guys and gals. Let those puppies roam free, ladies. After that, it's all about the gym shorts. I love a good pair of gym shorts, but I am also particular about my gym shorts. I'm not any sort of baller, so I like my shorts short, nothing excessive, but they should be above the knee, anywhere from 2-6 inches probably. Also, as I was complaining about the heaviness of denim, the material for my gym shorts must be light. The shorts should caress your thighs like a warm breeze. Trust me on this.

As for footwear, you should know how to do this by now? Minimalist means no socks, ever. If I'm not dressing up, there is literally no reason to wear socks. Oh, your shoes will smell? Dr. Scholl will take care of that. You'll get blisters? Toughen up them tootsies, and then you'll be in the clear after a couple days. Socks are constrictive, and your feet need to breathe. Socks are worthless.

You know what I didn't mention? Underwear. That's because you don't need it. Be like Arnold and go Commando. You will not regret it.

Maxing
When you're dressing to the max, whether to impress in business or for a desired mate, color is your friend. People, especially white people, like to wear the blandest colors imaginable, so stand out and wear an orange, green, or pink to stand out from the crowd. You don't even need a fancy design, but just adding some color will make you look like a fly guy.

Although it is not recommended when relaxing, when maxing, underwear is important. Don't wear no boring ass tighty whities. Get yourself some comfortable and stylish underwear, because it is guaranteed to make you walk around with more swagger, and it's a nice surprise for a potential mate if you manage to convince someone to partake in some hibbity dibbity.

Finally, socks. I used to just wear plain socks and go about my day. This was a poor decision on my part. My buddy Chris tipped me off to the impact of socks, and getting socks that stand out is a great way to make people like you immediately for no real reason. It shows that you are bold, confident, and a little fun-loving, just by wearing socks that have a bit of flare to them. This is an inexpensive way to make an impact, and guys and gals around the world will be impressed with your fashion forward ways.

Oh, and one more thing: If you have to wear a tie of some sort, don't make it a bowtie. Those things are past their prime. Bolos are still hilarious, but I would recommend the ascot, as it is the most pretentious piece of neckwear.

And there you have it. You now know everything from relaxing to maxing about men's fashion. You are now the quintessential male of comfort and style. Congratulations.

I Went To A Free Pro Wrestling Show In Florida

Coming from the Midwest, the best thing about Florida is probably the weather. I hate the cold, so being rid of it is a very nice feeling. The second best thing about living in Florida is that is a great state for pro wrestling fans. NXT has their tapings near Orlando, and they have house shows throughout the state, so it's pretty easy to see great wrestling for $10. Despite the great value that NXT provides, this weekend, I found an even better value as there was a free pro wrestling show in Tampa this past weekend.

It was something called Ring Warriors, and although I had never heard of them, they totally exceeded my expectations. It was a taping, as the ring announcer stated that they air in multiple countries worldwide. Good luck finding out what those countries are/if they exist, as their webpage isn't exactly chock full of information.

Still, they had a solid setup with professional video cameras and everything. As for the talent, I would call it a mixed bag. There were a lot of guys that were just your run-of-the-mill independent wrestlers who were sometimes quite old, often out of shape, and fine at best in the ring. But mixed in were actually guys who I had heard of like Sonjay Dutt, Michael Tarver, and Wes Brisco. Sure, those aren't big names, but those are guys who had runs in WWE and TNA respectively. Still, the best wrestler there was just hanging out as Ring of Honor Champion, Jay Lethal was taking pictures with fans. As for the biggest star who wrestled, that would be Simply Tremendous Dude, better known as STD, best known as Mosh from The Headbangers. I'll admit, I got pretty pumped when I recognized him, but then he got beat in like three minutes, so I don't think he'll be getting that Ring Warriors title push anytime soon.

The biggest highlight of the night was being seated next to one of the wrestler's fiancee. She was super drunk and could barely string thoughts together. The one thing that she made clear is that she was shocked that my wife and I were in attendance despite not knowing any of the wrestlers personally. That probably says more about me than it says about her, but shit dog, it's free pro wrestling; it's not like I needed a hookup for tickets. Her shining moment came later in the night as she repeatedly put her hand on my knee. It was some super drunken awkwardness, and shortly thereafter, her friends escorted her out of the building.

The biggest wrestling highlight was Maxwell Chicago. For a reference point, this is Maxwell Chicago:

Mr. Chicago had to face off against some really fat dude, who managed to have maybe the worst in-ring interview in history. It went something like this.

Interviewer: Maxwell Chicago has challenged you to a match. Do you accept his challenge.
Fat Dude: (Long Pause) Man, what do you think?

And scene. That was seriously it. Then Chicago came down, tried to cheap shot the guy, and fat dude just started crushing him. Finally Maxwell Chicago tried to mount a comeback by punching him in the gut with the limpest punches you have ever seen. It was the stuff of six-year-old girls, but it was entertaining. The part where I laughed way too hard was where Maxwell Chicago got the ref distracted and then nailed fat dude with a low blow. This low blow inexplicably knocked the fat dude into a state of unconsciousness, and Chicago got the win. I'm usually a cheer for the good guys, boo for the bad guys at small shows, but that deserved a cheer in my opinion, wrestling tropes be damned.

This free pro wrestling event was scheduled for three hours, but unfortunately, we only made it through a little over two hours, as we learned one incredibly valuable lesson: If you're putting on a free pro wrestling show, you don't exactly get the best smelling people in attendance. I would say 50% of the smell can be attributed to people smelling like their cigarettes after a smoke break, but the other 50% was just some good ol' fashioned BO. My wife has the nose of a bloodhound (in her smelling abilities, not literally; otherwise, that would have been a really weird plastic surgery procedure), so she's very sensitive to smells, and since we had definitely had our money's worth, we decided to call it a night.

 I'll probably never know whether Sonjay Dutt won the Hiro Matsuda Invitational or, more importantly, whether the fat dude recovered from the low blow to pass his concussion tests.

Why Perfect Isn't Always Best

I have been married for nearly two years, and things have been great. I love my wife a whole bunch, and unless she's playing some sort of long-con, she loves me a whole bunch too. As I mentioned earlier this week, I am not my wife's type, but this also made me realize that my wife isn't really my type either. As a single guy, there is no way I would have described my wife's traits. This will surprise no one, but I would have given a very shallow and idiotic response if somebody asked me what I wanted in my future mate. The things I thought were important do not match up with my wife at all. Had I been asked to create a future wife in a lab, I would have messed it up so bad and probably would hate my creation within a week. Here are all of the characteristics my wife does not possess that single me thought were important.

Sense of Humor
A sense of humor is very important to me, as I fancy myself a fairly witty individual. My wife has a good sense of humor, but she does not find me funny. She doesn't laugh at my jokes, as she usually just rolls her eyes and calls me an idiot. I want that approval so bad, but she is very rare to give it out. She is far more entertained by me just saying and doing random things, which is a pretty nice thing. Still, as a single guy, I would have thought that I would have needed a girl who found everything I said to be hilarious (because it is), but I will admit it does feel good when what I say actually does make her laugh, as I crave that approval. Even when that happens, she is still quick to point out that I'm an idiot.

Height
I'm not a tall guy (5'9"), so I definitely have a Napoleon complex in nearly all aspects of my life. This is what partially led me to train in mixed martial arts. I knew I couldn't be bigger, but I have always wanted to feel bigger. It seemed logical to find someone shorter than me so I could at least have a decent height advantage on my mate. I thought 5'6" was about max height I would go for. Instead, my wife is about half an inch shorter than me. I have a height advantage, but just barely. I did make sure that she wore flats for our wedding, so I could at least have a height advantage on my special day. I never thought I would end up with a lady that tall, but at least I have a chance of producing a child that is 6'0" tall.

Age
I definitely thought I'd marry someone younger than me. That seems to be the traditional way of doing things, and it seemed good enough for me. Of course, the world is a-changin, and my wife is a year, a month, and a day older than me, so she's basically ancient. I never let her forget this fact.

Nice
Now don't get me wrong, my wife is a nice person. She cares about people and is unselfish, which is all well and good. However, I really wanted someone who would build up my incredibly high self-esteem. Instead, she is there to beat me back down to reality every chance she gets. It is very easy for me to get lost in my own cockiness, but she is there to remind me of any and every fault that I have. I really thought I would find a girl who was there to constantly be in awe of me, but it's probably best for the entire human population that I have someone to keep me in check.

Cooking
Growing up, I thought that my woman would cook and clean (and yes, I thought of them as a possession at that time). My wife does the latter, but she did not come equipped with the former (she has made tremendous strides). But I'm actually kind of happy that I do the cooking. This means that I always eat what I want to eat. If I feel like steak tacos, I can have steak tacos. If I feel like ground turkey tacos, I can have ground turkey tacos. Chicken tacos? Yep, any time I want. I really like tacos, but I also like other stuff, so I can whip up a Chicky Chicky Parm Parm, a whole beef brisket, or deep fry some things for funsies. I want to eat what I want to eat, so by doing most of the cooking, I get to do that, and that is pretty awesome.

Party Girl
This was by far my dumbest inclination. I used to be young and dumb and figured I would want to get wasted every weekend, and my significant other should be ready for a life of hard partying. Now, I am way more into fitness and would rather not feel like shit in the morning. I am a special occasions drinker. If something big is going down, then I'll party hard, but if it's just a regular night out, I'll gladly be the designated driver. There is no beer in our house, because I don't really care for casual beers; water and milk are good by me. My wife does party more consistently than me, but we're pretty cool just hanging out with the dog and going out for non-drinking nights out. I know that sounds uncool, but it makes us happy, and I'm not too worried about living out what someone else thinks we should be doing. I'm glad my wife is a chill lady.

Seduction
Now, I didn't want to be seduced, but I wanted to take pride in my ability to seduce my chosen target. This did not happen. I had to use the classic tight rope act of wearing my wife down without getting arrested for harassment. I walked that tight rope to perfection, but I wouldn't say she was ever seduced, more worn down with logic of letting her know, "Hey broad, we should be together." I would like my wife to be amazed at my charm and seduction skills, but I made it to the end goal, and that's all that really matters.

************

So I've tried to put a positive spin on the fact that my wife does not possess the qualities that I thought I wanted in my mate, but just in case that isn't clear, I wanted to point out that my wife is super awesome. I mean, she is totally, 100% out of my league. Also, she has the one attribute that I wanted above all else.

Happiness
My wife makes me happy. Honestly, it's tough to point out specific characteristics about my wife that I love, because things don't stand out, it's just that I really have trouble finding fault in any of her actions. And that's what it comes down to. Being with her is easy. I don't have to try, but she still thinks I'm cool to be around, and I thoroughly enjoy our time together.

And that's the whole point of this. None of these qualities really matter. If somebody makes you happy, and they feel the same way about you, hold onto it. My life is better sharing it with someone that I really care about, and I got lucky and found someone who is dumb enough to genuinely care about me. That's really neat (Also, nothing wrong with being single and happy; it's way better than being with someone who doesn't make you happy). As always, just try to be happy and everything else will take care of itself.

My Wife Has a Type, And It's Not Me

I came to a sad realization this week, as I finally had to admit that I am not my wife's type. What really hammered it home was my wife saying that "I did not see myself ending up with someone like you." That sounds bad, but that is the kind of brutal honesty that can only be had in a very stable relationship (or a relationship that is very close to ending, but I'm pretty sure we're the former).

The gentlemen she is interested in do not share commonalities with me. It's always the same type of guy that she likes, and it is literally the most boring combination imaginable. She likes tall, dark, and handsome. I definitely don't fit the first two traits. The third is at least debatable; I mean, there are many people who refer to me as Hott Joe to my face, but that may say more about them than it actually says about me. Oh, and the most important characteristic that she likes in other dudes, they must have absolutely no personality (and don't be a dick and say that I can at least fulfill that role for her).

This is never more true than when we watch The Bachelorette. She always favors the most generic looking dudes on the planet. Like, this season, it got down to the final three, and she liked the guy who nobody can remember. Does anybody even know that dude's name? I'll call him Billy. Seriously, if Billy just disappeared, would anyone have any questions? I'm not sure Billy didn't just join the show in like week six (By the way, my pick was Tanner, the only guy who actually stood up for the super drunk guy from the first episode, because, yeah, we've all gotten too drunk before. Also, he made jokes about how he couldn't believe he was still around, and I respect that sort of self-awareness). Can you name one thing Billy has done outside of being accused of being a virgin? No, because the only memorable thing about him was an interaction sparked by another person. He's as impactful as wallpaper, and that's the type of guy my wife digs.

Although the dudes she likes are good looking; they're not great looking. These fellas ain't Brad Pitt, and I think it bothers me way more that they are somewhat attainable. Like, if you're going to admit to your husband that you think another man is attractive, at least aim for the stars. Instead, she's aiming for a weekend getaway in Branson, Missouri.

Still, I put a ring on it; we've been married for almost two years, so she's basically stuck with me at this point. Oh, and to be fair, she's not my type either, but we'll get into that next time.

Rick Rude Is The Most Underrated Wrestler In History

Everybody remembers Rick Rude, but I'm not sure people remember how great Rick Rude was. I'm honestly not sure if there was a better heel during his era, as it was impossible to cheer for Rick Rude. He was better than everybody else, and there was nothing more that he loved to do than shove that fact right down their throats. Still, he is not remembered for being as great as he was, and now that Macho Man is in, Rick Rude is definitely the most deserving person to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame.

The guy had it all. Rick Rude was amazing on the mic. In his debut match, he set the tone for what his schtick would be:

Sweathogs is an insult that is not used nearly enough. It elaborates enough on a simple pig comment by not only saying you look like a hog which takes care of fat and ugly, but you both look and smell disgusting with the sweat added in. Underrated in this clip is Vince McMahon commenting on Rude as he disrobes, "Well, pretty good abs, traps not too bad," and then the camera flashes to a fat kid, and McMahon gets completely flustered. It's all perfect.

And then, after his match, he kisses a woman so passionately that she faints from the experience. If I had a nickel for every time that happened to me...I would have like 25 cents, although I think the girls may have just pretended to pass out to prevent any funny business. Either way, I'm a helluva kisser. Underrated part of after the match is that Rick Rude would then stand over the woman and gyrate his hips. I really should have tried that maneuver to show the ladies that I'm a bonafide stud.

But it wasn't just on the mic that Rude was a stud, as he could flat out wrestle. He succeeded in WWE, WCW, and in Japan while excelling in every style. This man could not only have great matches with other great wrestlers; he managed to not only get a good match but good matches out of the Ultimate Warrior.

That alone should be enough to make him a Hall of Famer. And the guy was a heel through and through. Rude used to just flex his ass in the middle of the ring or gyrate his hips and get boos rained down on him. He was a total heel in that every bit of his offense made you think this was a bad guy. It was full of headlocks and sleepers and punches to the gut. That slow offense makes it impossible to cheer for a guy. But even when he would add some flash and hold suplexes, there was always that little bit of him showing off that made people hate him.

Oh yeah, and the man loved to show ass. There is nobody in history that got depantsed more than Rude.

And although he never became World Champion in the WWE, he did manage to do it in the WCW.

He not only beat Flair for the title, but he also managed to make out with one of Flair's many different women. As far as I know, he may be the only guy who can claim the latter. He had an incredible career where he not only managed to look great, but he always made his opponents look great as well. After finally becoming a World Champion, he actually never lost the title. Unfortunately, he injured his back in a freak accident in a match against Sting in Japan and was forced to retire. But Rick Rude was pure money both in and out of the ring.

That being said, had he just gone to the ring in his custom made tights, he still would probably be one of my 20 favorite wrestlers of all time. Here are the top five things that Rick Rude had airbrushed on the front of his tights:
5. His Face

It's an incredibly great way to peacock. I mean, if Mystery is armed with a top hat and a boa, you're going to blow him out of the water with custom made tights with your face on the front. A great pickup gambit would be asking a girl to kiss you on your airbrushed lips.

4. Championship Belt

Since you can't wear your title belt at all times, it is best to just airbrush it on there to let the ladies know that anytime you put on your pants, you're a champion. They'll learn later that when you take off your pants, you're even more of a champion.

3. Regis and Kathie Lee's Faces

Yep, just Rick Rude making a woman pass out from the passion of his kiss, and then showing off Kathie Lee's airbrushed face on his front side, while using his backside to make Regis animated when he flexed his ass. This is a very boss maneuver for whenever you are invited on to a talk show, and I think more people should follow Rick Rude's lead.

2. His Opponent's Face

I mean, how demeaning is that? Just your face is right on his dick. That has to be one of the most alpha maneuvers anyone can possibly pull off.

1. His Opponent's Wife's Face

This is the most alpha maneuver. His opponent had a woman? Yeah, Rick Rude's going to put that woman's face right over his dick. Imagine somebody doing that to you. If somebody put my wife's face on their pants, I'd have no choice but to fight them. Like, I couldn't just let them keep wearing those pants. But man, if I saw somebody doing that to somebody else's wife, I would applaud that dude for the gumption. Basically, I am just saying that this is one of the greatest heel maneuvers ever, and I really want a wrestler to bring it back.

After his wrestling days were over due to a back injury, he still had one of the most memorable moments of the Monday Night Wars when he showed up on both shows at the exact same time. Since Raw was pretaped every other week, Rude was there for the taping, but his contract ended and he showed up on a live episode of Monday Nitro.

Yeah, if this isn't 100% the reason that Rude isn't in the WWE Hall of Fame, then it is at least 99% of the reason. He not only screwed over WWE, but then he buried them on their competitor's show. A couple years after this, Rick Rude died at the age of 40 from heart failure. He was a wrestler in the 80s and 90s, so he undoubtedly lived a hard life, but one that still ended far too soon.

Basically, if I was going to be a pro wrestler, I would want to be Rick Rude. Great look, great mustache, and could live like a heel in every aspect of life. Rick Rude's one of the greatest wrestlers of all-time; he's criminally underrated, and WWE needs to put him in the Hall of Fame immediately. It's long overdue for an all-time great.

The Genius: Not Just Macho Man's Brother

The Genius is a wrestler where many fans remember the character but forget the details that made him great. Part of this is that The Genius, Lanny Poffo, was the brother of Macho Man Randy Savage (or Randy Poffo if you need the real name). Still, The Genius was not just Macho Man's brother. He was actually super entertaining and came up with some incredibly memorable promos where he truly personified his gimmick. I must also admit that I have an affinity for any outrageously arrogant wrestler, as I tend to most identify with those guys.

I mean, just look at his very first promo.

There is so much gold in this that it is hard to unwrap it all. Obviously, all of the rhyming is incredible, but he manages to use four different languages during it while still keeping it coherent enough for the mouth-breathing WWE fans. This is the guy's first promo, and there is not a wrestling fan out there that wouldn't have thought he was great, or had the exact opposite feeling and wanted his teeth rammed down his throat. I haven't even mentioned that cunning is a word that we should all use a little bit more.

As great as that was, just imagine using the first half of his second promo as a pickup line.

"Behold the world's smartest man, so masculine and proud.
The epitome of genius, amazingly endowed."

I mean, right at this point, you're going to have the bartenders busting out mops to clean up the floors, but just in case there are some other issues, you can continue.

"A one man wrestling (may want to replace this word with studly or hunky) renaissance, just let your heart rejoice.
And bathe in all the luxury, of my poetic voice."

At this point, the girl may have her shirt off and is probably trying to get after your goodies as you have made her made with ecstasy.

So, yeah, The Genius was amazing, and this is only looking at his career before he even debuted in a WWE ring. Once he did that, he was solid, and, oh yeah, beat the most unbeatable wrestler in the history of wrestling, 1980s Hulk Hogan.

The Genius wasn't the greatest wrestler in the ring, but he was pretty entertaining as a shitheel, just an effeminate bad guy who thought his brains were more important than brawn. He was a total coward and totally wonderful. Although he had a victory over Hulk Hogan. After Hogan's feud with Mr. Perfect ended, he kind of faded away, when he should have had a run as a heel in the Intercontinental Title picture. He at least deserved a little more push.

If The Genius was friends with Hulk Hogan instead of Macho Man's brother, he would have had a 20 year career. Part of that stretch would have included a run in the Dungeon of Doom and also a period of tagging with Horace Boulder, but it still pays pretty well.

Lanny Poffo will mostly be remembered as Randy's brother, but he was pretty great in his own way, and it doesn't take a genius to see that.

Why I No Longer Care What I Look Like In Pictures

I am a person that is somewhat (totally) consumed by my own vanity. I am well aware of this, as it has been this way for quite a while. I like looking at me, and it's a big reason why I stay in shape, although in most public situations, I will cite the variety of health benefits associated with working out. In reality, it's all about looking good.

Despite this, I have stopped caring about what I look like in pictures. I am a very logical person, and logically, it made sense that I should want to look good in pictures as it presented myself in the most attractive way possible. I knew ladies were judging me by my Facebook pictures, because I know I was judging them on their Facebook pictures (It's easier if I can assume everyone is as shallow as me).

But now I'm married. I no longer need to attract ladies. That is why I don't really care what I look like in pictures. My wife makes me take pictures with her, and she gives me the courtesy of seeing if I like how I appear, but it really doesn't matter. If I look good, that's nice, but I honestly prefer looking poor in pictures. If my wife looks great, and I look like shit, people will just assume I have mad game, and that's way better than just being a normal, attractive dude with an attractive wife.

Now, that being said, my wife better look good, as she is a reflection of me. If she looks like shit, it makes me look like shit, so she needs to have her shit together. But honey, if you're reading this, you always look great, and I love you so much.

So I'm totally cool with pictures now. Got a zit? Who cares? One eye is halfway open and it looks like I'm having a stroke? I'm good. Wing sauce all over my face, because I'm a 30-year-old who eats like a baby? No problem. Outside of having love and affection from a person who genuinely cares for you, not caring what I look like in pictures may be my second favorite part of marriage.

Dave Dombrowski Is a Gentle Lover

When I heard the Tigers were pursuing David Price, I chuckled to myself. The Tigers have traded away so many prospects that I'm not even sure if they field minor league teams anymore. There was no way they had the assets to get David Price. But then, sure enough, Dave Dombrowski found a way to turn Austin Jackson and Drew Smyly into David Price. How did he do this? It's because he's a gentle lover. Let me explain.

I think it's common knowledge that Dave Dombrowski is a master of seduction. If you somehow didn't know that, this photo, which has not been poorly photoshopped AT ALL, proves my point:

Since he is a master of seduction, he can pretty much seduce any woman he pleases. I'll admit it; I was nervous going to a Tigers Spring Training game a few months ago at the mere chance that DD might take a liking to my lady.

Basically, what his seduction prowess means is that he can seduce any owner's wife/girlfriend/main squeeze. Now, these owners are all super rich, cutthroat men who have done whatever it takes to get to the top. These are very prideful men, and also men who know what they like and hate change. The problem is that not only can Dave Dombrowski seduce their lady, but also that DD is a gentle lover.

This causes an issue as most owners sexual techniques start and end with vigorous. They aren't into any fluff; they are incredibly hard workers, but they only know one speed. Meanwhile, DD has listened to enough Tenacious D where he doesn't give sex to a woman, he makes love with her. Once these women experience the gentle love making of DD, they no longer want the vigorous sex that they experience from an old crusty baseball owner, and it ruins the lives of these owners.

So that is why Dave Dombrowski is consistently able to do the impossible when it comes to trades. Dave Dombrowski agreed to a four-year no seduction deal at the end of 2007 to acquire Miguel Cabrera from Jeffrey Loria and the Marlins. When that deal ran out, he gave another extension to get Anibal Sanchez in 2012. In between those two deals, he called up Ken Kendrick, who forced Josh Byrnes to trade away Max Scherzer in order to keep his beau away from Dombrowski's charms.

And finally, he called up Stuart Sternberg. Sternberg is a young, Wall Street hotshot, so he laughed at Dombrowski at first. He causally mentioned it as a joke with Andrew Friedman, but Friedman wasn't laughing. He knew of Dombrowski's skills, and therefore, he knew what he had to do. David Price is a Tiger, but Sternberg and his wife are safe from the charms of DD.

Don't blame these teams for their lack of return on top end talent. When you get that call from the 313 area code, you know your options have run out. If Dombrowski doesn't get his man, he's coming for your woman, and I'm glad these teams have made the right choice.

Breaking Down "Elderly Game"

Researching the Pickup Artist (PUA) Community is truly one of the best and worst things in the world. There are a lot of times where you will find something so ridiculous that you will find yourself laughing about it days later.

There are other things that remind you that PUAs are basically the worst human beings in the world. Seriously, people make fun of Juggalos, but PUAs are so much worse. I could slam some Faygo and party with Juggalos; hanging out with PUAs may be the worst experience of my life. The release of a book called Day Bang has made me dive back into this dark, sad world where many of the people involved actually think that women are far more evil than Hitler.

Day Bang introduced something called "Elderly Game" as its backbone for seducing women during the day. My ears perked up like I was a dog about to go for a walk when I heard about it. Elderly game is talking to people like you're an elderly person. A better name for it would be "Seinfeld Game," because the main point behind it is making observations and talking to people about them. Here are some examples.

“Beautiful day.”
“Those shoes look comfortable."
"That's nice; where did you get that?"
“Hello.”

That's it. That's all there is to it. I have to say I was a little disappointed, but at least I got to post that picture of Mystery going undercover. Earlier I said "Seinfeld Game" might be a better name for "Elderly Game." The best name is "Human Being Game." If you talk to people like they are human beings, they will probably respond in kind. Of course, if you naturally thing of women as being sluts, bitches, and lizards (that one I just learned about), then treating them like human beings is probably a pretty foreign idea.

"Elderly Game" was pretty disappointing. The only thing unintentionally hilarious about it is the name for it, but they do get bonus points for encouraging men to treat women like human beings. Still, it loses major points for not pretending to be handicapped or removing one's teeth for sympathy bangs.

Grade: C-

The X12 Superhuman

Superheroes are very "in" right now. Every other month it seems there is another superhero movie coming out, and the trend does not appear to be slowing down. But superheroes aren't real. Nobody has these incredible physical gifts in the real world. At least that is what I thought. I recently learned about the X12 Superhuman, Craig. I want to be up front about something: I could easily have written a novel about the X12 Superhuman. Every word that he has written and every second of his videos could be turned into epic paragraphs. He's that amazing. Luckily for us, the first documented X12 Superhuman appears to be on our side. Here are just some of the ways he has used his superpowers:

I have used my superhuman abilities to save a 2 year old child from running into the streets busy motor traffic,... 
This man is both faster and stronger than a baby. Plus he outsmarted the baby during that babies suicide attempt. Give this man a medal.

I have pushed dialed cars that ran out of gas into gas stations, and I have pushed cars that stalled out of flooded streets on to higher ground. 
I have pushed cars before, and they are heavy, but I have never pushed a dialed car. I don't know what a dialed car is, but I'm guessing it's heavier than shit.

I called the police to get a crazy man off the freeway that was throwing himself in front of oncoming 60 MPH freeway traffic.
So this one doesn't seem like a superpower at first, but what he doesn't explain is that he didn't use a phone. He just yelled SUPER loud for the police to come. I'm glad this guy is on our side.

Need proof that Craig is a superhuman? Think of the best person at some sort of physical feat. They have trained their entire lives to be as great as possible. Unfortunately, Craig is better than them, a lot better. Usain Bolt is recognized as the fastest man alive, and he goes approximately 27 miles per hour. That's incredibly fast. I have trouble fathoming ever running that fast. Unfortunately for Usain, Craig goes 37 miles per hour. Don't believe me, check it out for yourself:

Yeah, I bet you feel like an asshole now. Oh, and I suppose that this is as good of time as any to mention that Craig is 260 pounds. He's not even built like a sprinter, but then you see that cheetah go, and only one word comes to mind, "Wow."

The X12 Superhuman has an entire page dedicated to the Metro Bus drivers of Houston. Why, you ask? Because Craig likes to do his sprints on the street, so he does not steamroll pedestrians while running faster than Usain Bolt. His warnings for the bus mention that they should not run him over, but his main warning is that they should not pass him, because the speed limit is 30 MPH, so they would HAVE to exceed the speed limit in order to pass him.

I am definitely having my doubts about this super speed, so I just wish he had some way to document that he is, in fact, faster than traffic...wait, what's that? He has a video of that exact thing. Well, let's check it out:

I'll let Craig explain this one in his own words:

See how quick I took off when I had the Walk light sign, and the automobile had the green light? Even 20 feet after the 40 yard mark at the last orange cone (140 feet from the start), the automobile traffic didn't catch up with me, and that car behind me had that engine reved up high if you hear that highly reved up engine when that car came close to the camera. 

That car had their engine going full blast, but it still wasn't enough for the X12 Superhuman. I know I was having trouble contemplating how fast Craig really is. I mean, these types of speeds are undocumented up until the X12 Superhuman, so what does this all mean? Craig does a great job of explaining it:

I am faster than the fastest crackhead running from the fastest police. Even if the fastest crackhead is running naked on the streets just to cut down on weight in order to run faster from the police, I still faster than the fastest crackhead running from the fastest police.

Holy shit, that's fast. I mean, being faster than the fastest crackhead is impressive, but being faster than that crackhead when he is naked. That's even faster.

Are you still not convinced? Fine, just take a look at this:

That gray hair is darker near the root, proving that he is getting younger. And if that isn't enough, here's a real world example that proves that he is not a normal man:

A person asked my age, and I told him my age, and then he told me that I look 10 years younger than my age.

CHECK...MATE. The man looks ten years younger than he should. Let's just take a random age, and do a quick hypothetical experiment. Think of an nine-year-old. Have you ever confused a nine-year-old with an unborn fetus? No, because those nine-year-olds are normal human beings and do not look TEN years younger than their actual age.

If that isn't enough, how about this experiment?

I cut my center finger on my left hand with an unsterilized knife to show you how fast I heal up, and no over the counter or prescription antibiotics were used, I just only wash my hands with soap and water.

Why was the knife unsterilized? I have no idea, but check out this video. It's scary to see these Wolverine-like healing powers in real life:

By Day 7, the wound had VANISHED. Not even Criss Angel could pull off that kind of magic.

With all of these superpowers, we need to get Craig to procreate, so we can have an army of crime fighting superhumans. Unfortunately, with his super strength and super speed, it can be difficult to find a lady.

Many women are afraid of me, but I tell those women this, only the criminals need to be afraid of me, and she doesn't have to worry about me using my superhuman abilities to make unwanted advancement on them... 
Craig is a gentleman, so no need to worry ladies. But it may be hard to get a date when he is sprinting 37 MPH past you. Still, when ladies witness this physical masterpiece, it's tough to blame them for letting their carnal instincts take over.

it's aways the opposite with me that most women are more aggressive toward me than I am toward them.
It's no wonder that the ladies find him irresistible. Craig, the first ever X12 Superhuman, is doing things that scientists never thought possible. He breaks boards, he sprints faster cars (as long as they do not exceed the speed limit), and he heals at a rate never seen before. My advice to the ladies out there who want to experience an X12 Superhuman for themselves is wait for him to be walking instead of sprinting. He has walked at a pace of 17 MPH at the mall, but maybe you can find him on a slow day.

Good luck, ladies. And godspeed Craig, you are an inspiration to all of us.

Hair Bikini Top

I am always on the cutting edge of trends in this world. I got in on West Coast Dance on the ground floor, and it quickly swept the nation as the most popular dance craze since The Macarena. I am hip to the European scene as well which is why when I tan, I Eurotan to make sure I am tan in every hidden crevice of my body, and trust me it isn’t easy to make sure that each one of my abs is tanned to perfection.

But instead of being on the cutting edge of trends, I now plan on setting them. Manscaping has become quite popular around the nation, but I feel it has gotten a little tired. Ladies are no longer impressed by hairless dudes, as it’s become completely normalized. Many of these women look fondly on the days when men were men, hair and all.

Now, it would be a crime for me to hide my abs under a mountain of hair, so that ladies were unable to admire my beauty. I understand this, and I live by this code. I believe in a woman’s right to stare at my beautiful body; I guess you could say I’m a feminist in this case. But I also realize that women need a man, not a boy, and I am far too classy to walk around with my junk out to show them how much of a man I am. That is why I have come up with the Hair Bikini Top.

It’s the best of both worlds. When a lady puts her eyes on me, she slowly rises up, noticing that my abs are completely hair-free, leaving nothing to the imagination (in this case modeled by Rick Rude with Bobby Heenan).

Then as her gaze rises, she comes across a chest (in this case modeled by Rick Rude with Paul Bearer).

Not the chest of a boy, the chest of a man, covered in hair, like men were made to be. Before she even has a chance to glance at my face, she is standing in a puddle of her own love juices. It is an honor for me to be able to provide this to women.

The best part is that by reading this blog, you fellas will also be on the cutting edge of a phenomena that will sweep the nation. You can laugh at losers who either fail to manscape or have shaved all of the hair off their bodies. Of course, you may not notice them with the plethora of women surrounding you as they vie for the right to get with the guy with a Hair Bikini Top.

And for the ladies that read this blog? I have only one thing to say to you…You’re welcome.

Everything Hot Girls Do Is Hot

My buddy summed it up best when he said, "Dude, girls are so hot." Although I can admit that starting a sentence with "dude" should automatically disqualify whatever follows, there are always exceptions to the rule, and this is definitely one of those cases. Girls are so hot, and this doesn't change as you get older. Although I feel somewhat wiser on life matters, girls are still really hot, and there is a phenomena that I finally noticed recently.

It doesn't matter what they do, somehow, hot girls can make anything hot. Think about British accents. That shit is awful. It is such a nauseating sound, it makes me ill just thinking about it. Now think about a hot chick. Yeah, hot chicks are awesome, so this vision is pretty fucking sweet. Now give her a British accent. Remember how it used to be awful? Now, if you're anything like me, you just realized that you always wanted to end up with a British chick, because her accent makes her way hotter. It's ridiculous, and it works in all facets of life.

I once saw a girl going to med school, and in my head, I started thinking to myself, "Yeah, I have always wanted to be with a doctor." This is complete and utter bullshit. Even though being with a doctor has a ton of obvious benefits, this is certainly never anything that I put on my wish list for my lady. The only thing I have ever fantasized about is a woman who would make me her playboy while I travel the world in a life of luxury.

I met a girl who did the female version of the decathlon, and my immediate thought was, "Damn, I sure would like to be with a female decathlonist," but it's all complete bullshit. It doesn't matter what hot girls do; it's gonna be hot. If I met a hot girl, and she told me she had irritable bowel syndrome, so she farted all the time, my only thought would be how cool it was to find a girl who farts.

It's true. Dude, girls are so hot.

It's Great To Have A Girlfriend

Last night I had some work to do, and my girlfriend had places she needed to be.
She decided that we could just spend the night apart.
I knew she would probably be out late.
I told my girlfriend I needed to see her.
She thought it was because I wanted to spend time with her.
I had ulterior motives.
She decided that she had a great boyfriend and she'd just meet me at her place when she was done.
I really just want to go over to her place to watch the Monday Night Raw that was DVR'd.
My plan worked to perfection.

This is why it is great to have a girlfriend.

I really hope she doesn't read this.

West Coast Dance Has Spread To Jamaica

This video was posted on Grantland yesterday, and it is truly inspiring to see this level of West Coast Dance has spread into other countries to become an international dance craze. Here are some of my West Coast Dancing brothers in Jamaica showing you how to break it down:

There's a lot of great moves in this video, with some new moves mixed in with WCD classics.

They start off simple, just bouncing their body parts into a ladies caboose. Whether it be the hip, the dick, the ass, or even a sidekick, it's all in good WCD fun.

Another thing I love that is just briefly shown is playing the bongos on a girl's ass. Just tap-tap-tap that ass, and she'll absolutely love it. This is risky as you must make sure it's just a tap and not a grab. Also, try to limit your taps to groups of 2-4, so she only feels slightly demeaned by your actions. Any more, you may upset the girl, or even worse, get a mother hen involved.

My favorite moves are when they put their spin on some classic WCD moves. It's a staple for West Coast Dancers to get low instead of their lady dance partner. But to get low, then slowly spinning while tapping the girl's ass with different parts of your body is a very money maneuver. Shoulders are nice, but a headbutt to the rear end is a quality move that will have the ladies begging for more.

Finally, there is one thing that makes it evident that these guys aren't just high on drugs and are absolutely West Coast Dancers. They share these women, not as if they are some sort of sexual desire, but as if she's merely a prop to enhance their WCD moves. These women mean nothing to them, and all West Coast Dancers know what this does to the woman: It makes her want these guys more than she ever thought possible.

Let's face it. Ladies all around the world can't resist the raw sexuality of West Coast Dance.

-Joe

P.S. Want to see something else that is badass? Here's Shonn Greene running over Wisconsin: