The Comprehensive History of the APA

Thanks to reader, Lukewarm Jonah, for the suggestion on writing about the APA. He mentioned that he wasn't talking about that writing shit, but when I hear APA, the Acolytes Protection Agency will always be the first thing that comes to mind. The APA is a very interesting WWE team, as they are still beloved, despite neither guy being near his peak during their time as a member of the APA. Ron Simmons/Farooq was far more influential in the WCW and during his time leading the Nation of Domination. Meanwhile, Bradshaw would become JBL and be a consistent World Heavyweight Title Champion and contender. But still, they drank beer, cussed, and gambled, and those activities will always be cool in pro wrestling. Before we get there, let's look at how these guys came together.

It all started with The Undertaker and Paul Bearer creating the Ministry of Darkness. Bradshaw and Farooq joined up as Hell's Henchmen. They quickly became The Acolytes when their manager, The Jackyl, left the WWE. Their first order of business was adding some weight behind the Ministry. 

With the help of Phineas I. Godwinn (Mideon), they abduct a 600 pound Mabel, who would later become Viscera, and be as successful in that role as he was in all of his others (not very).

The Acolytes would go on to win the tag team titles a couple times, and that's all well and good. But wrestling will never be what they were remembered for, they were the best bodyguards (sorry, Diesel) in WWE history. 

These guys split from the Ministry of Darkness to do their own thing. It gave them more time to kick ass and drink beer. Still, they valued one thing even more than beer, and that was money. But it took them a while to change from a tag team to an official protection agency. Luckily, the Mean Street Posse needed help, and they found the perfect guys for the job.

My favorite part of that video is that they are playing gin. That is the ultimate Grandma card game.

Now, as a professional protection agency, they needed to hone their skills. A lot of people may try to do this at a dojo or mixed martial arts gym, but the APA knew the kind of fights they were going to get into, so they trained where the fights were happening, the bars. 

Bradshaw doesn't care if you're the state's arm wrestling champion, and neither him or Farooq care if they are outnumbered. As long as they strike first, they are going to win the fight. Here, they beat the crap out of a bunch of posers from Rhode Island. They leave without a scratch on them. This would not be the last time that they fought in a bar, and by a bar, I mean it won't be the last time that they fought in this very bar. This would help them when the WWE had bar room brawls where they not only had to fight but drink excessively as well.

Still, business was not as booming as they had hoped, so they did what any good business would do and produce a top-notch commercial.

Not many protection agencies will be paid in beer and cigars, but that's what made the APA such great business men. They were willing to think outside the box. One of their downfalls in business was that they were sitting there but let their answering machine take the call. If you want beer, you gotta answer the phone. Also, guys, you have a drawer for Zima but not Natty Light, that's suspect planning on your part.

They did try to get clever with what APA could stand for, and, um, that didn't work out too well.

Yeah, there is no way to construe that as anything but the advertisement for a successful gay bar. The WWE could have been really progressive and made them two badass gays who did not fit into typical stereotypes, but this is the WWE, so there was no way of that happening.

Still, it was clear that these guys had their shit together, so it was no surprise that other WWE Superstars wanted to be like the APA.

Here are the six best things about that video.
6. Brian Kendrick has clearly never been around a drunk person.
5. Farooq insisting that drinking alcohol is the only way to make it.
4. Bradshaw claiming that Brian Kendrick had a malignant case of dumbass.
3. That door.
2. Bradshaw saying that Britney Spears kissing Jenna Jameson would be hot.
1. Farooq responding that Britney Spears is a virgin.

This video should be shown in schools to help future generations became awesome.

The APA also helped get over one of the simplest, yet memorable, catchphrases in WWE history.

DAMN.

In the end, these guys were more than hired hands to take care of dirty work. They were friends, and that is the element of the APA we can never forget. The only people they cared about were the people with the biggest paychecks. The only exceptions were each other. And if there's one thing friends know how to do, it's throw a party.

Yes, the APA may have closed their doors, but the memories, much like their friendship, will live on forever.

APA Is For Assholes

I recently started working on getting my Masters. Why am I doing this? Mostly because work will pay for it. I do not have much ambition that it will ever come in handy, but since all I have to do is take care of the books and get good grades, it seems stupid to pass up the opportunity. Through my first couple of classes, I have basically only been docked for not having proper formatting within my papers. It is absolutely ridiculous that we are still worried about formatting. Language is constantly changing, but the form of proper academic writing must stay the same for all eternity. I am forced to use APA in everything I do. What does APA stand for? Don't know, don't care. I just know that all instructors make me use it, and it is total bullshit.

There are so many stupid rules that make absolutely no sense. In academic writing, contractions are not allowed. It doesn’t make any sense, ah, excuse me, it does not make any sense to have this rule, but some asshole decided that contractions aren’t awesome. Trust me, they are totally awesome.

A paragraph is supposed to consist of like four or five sentences. I can’t remember which one, but it is still a stupid rule. If I want to make a point by having my entire paragraph consist of one word, then I should be able to do it. In fact, I should be able to make up a word for my one-word paragraph.

KA-BLOW!

But the academics love APA, so I can't have totally badass one-word paragraphs.

The worst of these offenders is insistence on APA citations. On Black Heart Gold Pants, they have a daily article called “It’s Not Plagiarism If You Link To It.” That sentence makes 100% sense. APA formatting makes zero sense. It’s an archaic practice that is no longer useful to the current generation. 100 years ago, sure, I could see the advantage, but the Internet, like it has done to so many other things (cough, newspapers, cough), has made proper formatting obsolete. It’s time to take APA out back and shoot it in its fucking face. Just throw a link up and save everyone a bunch of time.

Why is this still being used? Because most "academics" grew up with APA formatting, and now they are forcing it on everyone around them. If you stress the importance of APA, you are an asshole. If you disagree, I've got only one thing left to say to you...

KA-BLOW!