How To Make Money Online: TaskRabbit Is a Total Scam

I heard about TaskRabbit the same way that everyone heard about TaskRabbit: On an episode of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. Since I'm looking for odd ways to make money, I decided to look into doing tasks for people, since some of it, you don't even need to leave your own home. Well, this review is going to be a short one, because TaskRabbit is some bullshit.

I didn't last long TaskRabbit, because they are charging way too much to verify people aren't murderers on Craigslist. It was like $20 or $25 to sign up to be a tasker. Then, TaskRabbit takes 30% of all of the earnings. This is an incredible scam.

Do not sing up for TaskRabbit. Just use Craigslist. Most of the time you won't be murdered, and with TaskRabbit, your bank account will be murdered every time by hidden fees.

Cutting Cable Can Turn You Into a Nerd

Cutting cable saves a lot of money; this is a very nice thing. Most shows are available for a fraction of the cost, so I do not miss it too much. However, my internet has worked like shit this holiday weekend, and that really sucks. It was only in the 60s this weekend, so going outside was hardly an option unless I wanted to...put on a sweatshirt (shutters).

This left me with slow internet, no way of streaming anything, with only books to read. So, basically, what I am saying is that cutting cable may save you money, but it could also turn you into a nerd.

APA Is For Assholes

I recently started working on getting my Masters. Why am I doing this? Mostly because work will pay for it. I do not have much ambition that it will ever come in handy, but since all I have to do is take care of the books and get good grades, it seems stupid to pass up the opportunity. Through my first couple of classes, I have basically only been docked for not having proper formatting within my papers. It is absolutely ridiculous that we are still worried about formatting. Language is constantly changing, but the form of proper academic writing must stay the same for all eternity. I am forced to use APA in everything I do. What does APA stand for? Don't know, don't care. I just know that all instructors make me use it, and it is total bullshit.

There are so many stupid rules that make absolutely no sense. In academic writing, contractions are not allowed. It doesn’t make any sense, ah, excuse me, it does not make any sense to have this rule, but some asshole decided that contractions aren’t awesome. Trust me, they are totally awesome.

A paragraph is supposed to consist of like four or five sentences. I can’t remember which one, but it is still a stupid rule. If I want to make a point by having my entire paragraph consist of one word, then I should be able to do it. In fact, I should be able to make up a word for my one-word paragraph.

KA-BLOW!

But the academics love APA, so I can't have totally badass one-word paragraphs.

The worst of these offenders is insistence on APA citations. On Black Heart Gold Pants, they have a daily article called “It’s Not Plagiarism If You Link To It.” That sentence makes 100% sense. APA formatting makes zero sense. It’s an archaic practice that is no longer useful to the current generation. 100 years ago, sure, I could see the advantage, but the Internet, like it has done to so many other things (cough, newspapers, cough), has made proper formatting obsolete. It’s time to take APA out back and shoot it in its fucking face. Just throw a link up and save everyone a bunch of time.

Why is this still being used? Because most "academics" grew up with APA formatting, and now they are forcing it on everyone around them. If you stress the importance of APA, you are an asshole. If you disagree, I've got only one thing left to say to you...

KA-BLOW!

I Can't Believe Benchwarmer Is a Real Company

So I was watching The Millionaire Matchmaker last week. I know that may shock some people due to my badass exterior, but I find it to be an incredibly entertaining show. But I'm not here to talk about that so much, as one of the millionaires really bothered me. He estimated his net worth to be around $5 million. That didn't really bother me either. What did bother me is how this clown made that money.

Most people on the show are involved in finances, hedge funds, or something of that nature. Basically, they steal money from hard working people until they're a millionaire. For some reason, those people don't bother me; I'm numb to their diabolical ways. But this guy was different. He created a company called Benchwarmer, and this pisses me off far more than any Wall Street jagon ever could. It is a company that makes baseball cards, but instead of athletes on the cards, it puts hot chicks on them.

I have decided to break down their About Us section to show you why this company angers me so much:

FROM HUMBLE BEGINNINGS IN 1992, Bench Warmer started as a simple idea: to putbeautiful women on baseball cards. 

Fuck you. I wish I could reach through my screen and strangle the person who wrote this. If I ever write, "From humble beginnings," please beat the shit out of me. Get a baseball bat if necessary. I'll deserve it. My only question about this idea is did they get the idea from Vegas who put hookers on cheap versions of baseball cards or did Vegas steal the idea from them? I'm guessing the former, because Vegas is the leader in everything. But here's the thing: Vegas did it better. Sure, the girls on Benchwarmer's trading cards are probably more attractive, but I can have sex with the girls on Vegas's hooker cards. And those cards are free. Is this a business surviving solely on horny men who are unable to make it to Vegas? How does that equate to a five million dollar business? Alright, maybe the next section won't bother me as much.

It was a nostalgic throwback to the Golden Era ofbaseball cards that most American boys collected – except with hot girls on them instead of sports heroes.

Every sentence just oozes arrogant douchebaggery. Let's move on before I punch something. There is no way I can make it through this whole thing.

But the owner says this business has made him worth around five million dollars. I can't imagine being a bank manager and getting asked for a business loan for that business. I would have laughed him right out of my bank. Mac, Charlie, and Dennis's plan to buy gas and then sell it in a year was a far better business plan than this guy has.

But as stupid as this business is, there is a lesson to be learned here. There are way more perverts out there than I could possibly imagine. No well-adjusted adult is buying baseball cards with hot chicks on them. I mean, if I want to check out hot chicks, I go on the internet to bars and hit on them. Ah, who am I kidding? I go on the internet too; that's what it's there for. Yet the people who buy these are not only nasty; they're apparently computer illiterate. They make rash decisions, and keep America's economy afloat. How do stupid perverts get money? That is a topic for another day, and one I actually hope to avoid altogether.

Anyway, I admit that I'm angry that this business is successful as it is so mind numbingly stupid that it should have no chance of success. But this guy has a business that is based on only hiring and hanging out with hot chicks. That's kind of commendable. When I really think about it, one question comes to mind...

Are they hiring?

-Joe

P.S. I take it we're all in agreement that this is the one show that could surpass Franklin & Bash as the best show on television. An 80's wrestling drama is brilliant, and I know I can count on The Rock to produce absolute greatness.