Which Presidential Candidate Would You Most Want To Get A Beer With?

Politics are stupid. There’s so much bullshit that it can get exhausting, and even I admit that I would probably be happier if I ignored everything. If you’re able to ignore everything, you should selfishly do that. But as I’ve grown older, I have learned to care for people outside of myself. It has led to me having a wife, son, and dog, all three of which I think are pretty cool. As a white guy who will be dead before global warming destroys the world, I’m going to be fine, no matter who is in charge, but since I care about others outside of myself, I can’t help but pay attention to this stupid bullshit.

Speaking of stupid bullshit, I am going to break down the candidates by who I think would be best to have a beer with. I’m all in for Bernie with my vote, but this is an objective list, so he will definitely not get the top spot here. Also, if he was still running, Andrew Yang would have probably been the top choice in this metric.

9. Amy Klobuchar

You’re probably thinking that I’m putting Klobuchar last since she is an awful human being who abuses her employees, but if I’m just having a beer with someone, that’s not going to totally register for me. No, my big issue is that she just comes across as someone who is loud all of the time. It’s a common defense mechanism for unfunny people who won’t say anything clever, but they will say something mildly offbeat VERY LOUDLY, and that gets them a positive reaction. I personally just want those people to be quiet as I would rather just chill and enjoy my beer while having a reasonably volumed conversation.

8. Donald Trump

Next on the list is Donald Trump, who you may think is even louder than Klobuchar, but I think he’s more boisterous and although he is a lout, he can have normal volumed conversations. No, my big issue with Trump is I get exhausted by people who have to put themselves over. Like, congratulations on your accomplishments, but stories of success are super boring. Give me the great failures, because those are way more engaging and often hilarious. Only insecure people need to brag about themselves which is why people who post a lot on social media are often very sad and insecure, just like our president. Also, there is no way he’d pick up the tab.

7. Bernie Sanders

I told you this list was objective, and unfortunately, I have to put Bernie fairly low. Bernie loves talking about issues and helping people most in need, and even though we’re on the same page on that stuff, I really just want to enjoy my beer and watch the game. “Yes, Bernie, I know we need medicare for all, but that doesn’t really relate to the important topic of the Bears quarterback situation.” It’d probably be exhausting, and as low as I am ranking him, he would probably rank me lower which I am totally fine with, because I do kind of suck.

6. Mike Bloomberg

I don’t really think this would be enjoyable, but Mike is so stupid rich that even after we shared a beer, he’d tell the bartender to put my drinks on his tab for the rest of the night. I think in a short period of time, he would only say one or two offensive things about minorities, but hopefully the long night of alcohol would wipe those from my memories.

Also, I know Bloomberg is a massive piece of shit in nearly countless real-world ways, but the most offensive thing he has proposed is an open office situation where no one has any privacy and he can look down on everyone’s work. What a damn clown.

5. Tulsi Gabbard

Sometimes Tulsi says things that I like, and other times, she says things that really confuse me. I may like her, I may not, but I don’t think she would be an offensive guest to join me for a beer. And now we take a huge jump forward and go to the people I think I would really enjoy having a beer with.

4. Pete Buttigieg

I know this one seems odd, because as a Bernie supporter, I must hate everything about Mayor Pete. I usually follow the rules, but I’m pretty sure I would enjoy having a beer with Pete. Pete is a scum of the Earth, former McKinsey employee, which is just an awful organization that tries to accomplish nothing but awful things. But McKinsey does hire smart people, and I’m guessing with Pete’s political success, he’s probably a pretty charming guy in the right situation. In fact, I have experience of briefly hanging out with somebody very similar to Pete in Jeff Luhnow. Luhnow is seen as a scumbag, and he probably is, but the guy knows how to work a room and make everyone feel welcomed. I have completely enjoyed my brief interactions with the guy, and I’m guessing Pete would be the same way. I think Pete and I would both really enjoy talking and having a cold brewski.

3. Elizabeth Warren

Warren is a smart lady, she actually likes to drink beer, or is at least willing to pretend, which is all that I’m really asking for. Also, although she doesn’t seem funny, she at least seems to have a sense of humor. Honestly, she carries a lot of the appeal of a beer with Buttigieg but without being inherently evil. I feel like I would enjoy having a beer with someone who is not evil as opposed to someone who is.

2. Joe Biden

Joe Biden would be a blast to have a beer with. Would he make some inappropriate jokes? For sure, but that’s just guys being dudes. Would he say something to the lady bartender or waitress? You know how us guys be. Would he say something super offensive that you try to excuse as, “Oh, he’s just from a different generation,” but that phrase would linger with you for a while, and you’d realize that, no, he really shouldn’t have said that? 100%, and that is why I can only put him at #2 on this list.

1. Tom Steyer

This may seem like a shocking choice for number one, but Tom Steyer just seems like a positive guy. I don’t think I could possibly have a down night while hanging out with Tom Steyer. I think he would be really engaged in whatever conversation I wanted to talk about (the answer is always Iowa Wrestling). He would find everything I said to be fascinating, and we would laugh and just have a great time. He would definitely ask me if I wanted to do shots, and I’d have to break the news to him that I don’t do shots anymore. But he’d press along, and since we were having a good time, I’d end up breaking my own rule. Then he would order Irish Car Bombs, and I would protest since those are definitely not shots, but he’d say that he already ordered them, and there’s no way he could drink two of them. I hate being wasteful so I’d end up chugging one. I’d think to myself, “Man, those are good. I forgot how good those were.” It would probably spiral from there, and the next morning I would wake up with the worst hangover I have had in a decade. 

But Tom and I would have still had one hell of a time.

Independent Wrestling Is on the Verge of Being Cool

Last weekend, I made what is now becoming an annual trip across the country, from Tampa to Seattle, to watch independent wrestling (and see my brother). This trip was pretty incredible as I was able to see two top notch shows with Progress traveling in from the United Kingdom for their first ever US tour, and Defy putting on another incredible local show where they continue to gain buzz. These shows were so good that I realized that it went beyond great pro wrestling shows; they were simply incredible shows, and I truly believe that pro wrestling is on the verge of being considered the best live entertainment option for regular folks. That's right; pro wrestling might actually become...cool?

I know you are laughing at me right now, and I'm not even mad about that. It's totally understandable, and I was hesitant to write this post, because I knew how outlandish the idea was at first glance, but I also 100% believe that going to pro wrestling will not only be acceptable, but a desirable weekend night out.

When I talk about pro wrestling, let me make it clear that I am not referring to the WWE. The WWE has, by far, the most talent in the world, and I would be fine if I never saw another WWE arena show again in my life. They are the ketchup of the pro wrestling world; popular mostly because availability and reliability, but you're rarely wowed by ketchup. WWE is fine, but WWE is not nearly as fun.

Instead, I am talking about independent wrestling. Many independent wrestling shows are 21+ which means there are no children there, and drinking is not only allowed but encouraged. The value of the former is that independent wrestling is allowed to put on a show for adults. They will cuss, be sexually provocative, and occasionally fly into the crowd. The value of the latter is that everything is better when you can have a beer of seven.

I have been fortunate to see some really awesome events. I love sporting events, but they all have their issues. Baseball can be slow, football is always slow, basketball and hockey are great, but they have their fair share of blowouts, soccer ain't too bad, but it ain't too great either, and golf is nice because you get to be outside and walk around, but it isn't that much better than just a day at a park.

On the cultural side, I have seen great bands, entertaining plays, and even a few musicals, but even at their best, they can't compare to pro wrestling (although Steel Panther does come close).

Here's the thing: Pro wrestling is the best of both worlds. First off, it involves insane athleticism. I know they are not necessarily competing against each other, but instead with each other, but you get the same high of watching people compete. Also, with them competing together, they can do far more to put on a better show. When going to a sports contest, you are lucky to see a handful of memorable athletic feats, but you will likely see at least that many in most live wrestling matches. And if your only argument is, "Durr, it's fake," all I can say is that it may be predetermined, but there are certain things that you simply cannot fake, and you and I would both likely vomit from pain and exhaustion if we were put through a five minute wrestling match.

Oh yeah, it also adds the characters and built-in drama that you would see on stage. Are some of the characters over-the-top and cheesy? Of course they are, but let's take a step back and recognize that rapping Alexander Hamilton and singing cats are as stupid as anything pro wrestling has done, and people seem to be just fine with that. Oh yeah, and every single performance is unique. I haven't seen Hamilton, but I can tell you how it ends. In wrestling, the script changes, and even though it is predetermined, you WILL pick a wrestler to cheer for. It's logically stupid, but it's just like a TV show or movie, where you find characters you pull for, and characters you want to see horrible things happen to, and doing it live adds so much fun.

And although I mentioned it being scripted, it's much more of an outline, and the outline is basically, start off like this, do a bunch of cool shit in the middle, finish with this. That do a bunch of cool shit in the middle is not only awesome, but you can help influence it. If you see two brutal chops to a man's chest that are so loud and hard that it sounds like a shotgun blast, you can start a "One more time" chant to get that poor wrestler even more abused. When you see something great, you can repeatedly yell "This is awesome." And if you see something disturbing, it is more than acceptable to chant, "You sick fuck" at the wrestler. Let's face it, we'd all be happier if we got to call people sick fucks more often.

Now, I must admit that Defy and Progess put on INCREDIBLE shows. They had it all; action, drama, comedy, and over the two nights, I probably saw two matches that I would consider average, where everything else was good to "OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT IS HAPPENING." I'm a fan of brutality, so seeing a guy from Austria named WALTER (it's in all caps so you know he's awesome) brutalize opponents will always appeal to me. There were also genetic freaks like Brian Cage, possibly the next big thing in all of wrestling with Shane "Swerve" Strickland, incredibly crazy luchadors like Bandido, and even some comedy with Trent Seven. Shit, man, this show even bucked the stereotype that wrestling is only for backwoods rednecks by having well-respected women wrestlers like Toni Storm and, GASP, positive representations of homosexuals with the tag team of Sexy Starr. When I type all of that out, I refuse to believe there is a person out there that wouldn't want to see an independent wrestling show.

Not all independent shows are going to be at that level so you may not see that great of variety of amazing wrestling, but you would be surprised at how many places have incredibly good shows. You can find a great show in any major city, and even if you live in a smaller city, there is always independent wrestling. Sure, you might not be watching future superstars, but the beer is probably cheaper, and that's tough to beat.

Considering the cost of live entertainment, you can definitely find an affordable show, and there is no such thing as a bad seat, because they are always in very small buildings. The shows I went to were about as expensive as it gets, but there are very few shows that you can't get into for $20 or less. I went to a show in Tampa where I was in the third row, and if I did a 180 in my seat, I was bellied up to the bar - best of both worlds.

Will you watch some things and think, "Oh, that is so stupid?" Yeah, of course you will. Even I think some things are stupid, and there are pro wrestlers that I simply don't care for. But on the whole, you are going to find way more things to like than not. At its best, you're giggling with excitement at what you are seeing, and at worst, you are giggling at the performers, but either way you're smiling and having a good time. All I'm saying is to give it a chance, because I would hate to see you realizing five years down the line that you could have seen the most incredible combination of athleticism and drama, but you were too much of a nerd to realize how cool it was to go to a wrestling show.

The 5 Worst Things About The First Episode of The OC

My wife and I are rewatching The OC together, because I enjoy her company, and it's good to have a show to watch as we fall asleep at 10:00 PM (double digits means it's time to get to sleep). Anyway, we just started, and man, The OC is really bad. It makes ZERO sense, in every way, shape, and form. But that's also what kind of makes it wonderful. Still, there were a few things that I needed to address as they are too stupid to be excusable. Here are the five worst things about the first episode.

5. Luke Is Not Subtle
Luke tries to hook up with a girl at a party that not only is his girlfriend present, but it's a party for her. He couldn't be more blatant about it. He grabbed her in the middle of the party and took her out to the beach, showing no wit, charm, or guile. And HE GOT AWAY WITH IT. Luke was the dogshit worst at the beginning of this show, but he turned into by far my favorite character, so I'm just going to chalk this up to a baller-ass Luke move. I can't hate this. Let's try again.

5b. Ryan Is Awful At Crime
The first episode starts with Ryan's brother stealing a car, and Ryan being apprehensive about getting in. He slows down everything and is just hanging outside the car as his brother tells him to hurry up and get in. Finally, he sees a cop car and decides, "Yep, NOW is the time I should get in the car." That is literally the worst time to hop in a stolen car. So he hops in the car and they run into a lightpole trying to avoid the cops.

4. Ryan Is The Worst
Let's review what Ryan does in the first episode. He hops in a stolen car when he sees police officers driving by which shows that he is a stupid criminal. Despite having the charm of a dead moth, Sandy Cohen takes him in to his house. Ryan immediately starts smoking cigarettes at the end of the driveway. Then the Cohens invite him to a fancy party, and this idiot immediately starts sneaking alcohol. What a dumbass. This guy could not behave for an hour straight, and still, he gets adopted by a super rich family because he was nice to Seth. They totally should have just adopted a black kid instead. Sandy could have gotten all the drama of bringing in an outsider with none of the drama, as that child couldn't have been any worse than Ryan. The only logical explanation is that Seth is racist and refused to have a black friend, but that kind of seems true of everyone from Newport Beach.

3. Summer Is The Worst Friend
Summer and some random girl dropped Marissa off at her house. Marissa was passed out, so they just left her on the front stoop. That is not a good friend. Like, Summer could have just let Marissa pass out at her house. Also, hot take here: In the first episode, Marissa is hotter than Summer. She's got the girl next door thing perfected. Now, don't get me wrong, Summer probably passed her by episode three, and neither of them could hold a candle to my girl, Taylor Townsend.

2. Luke's Beatdown
Ryan sucker punches Luke, which wasn't even a big enough event to make it on how awful of a person Ryan is, and Luke then beats him up, but the only good shot he got in was a kick to the gut. If Luke would have just smashed his face in, things probably would have worked out better for every single person on this show except for Ryan and maybe Seth. That is a sacrifice I think all of Newport would be willing to make.

1. Seth Drinks Beer
Seth goes to his first party, and he decides to hang out by the keg and drink beer. There is NO WAY Seth would drink beer. He would be treating himself to the fruitiest cocktails, and he would either make them way too stiff and make an ass out of himself or he would make them with the tiniest amount of alcohol and pretend to be drunk. Either way it'd be an embarrassment and not involve any Natural Light.

Also, I could probably do this with every episode of The OC, but I can't put the world through that. I'm like six episodes in, and Jimmy Cooper lost $4 million, Sandy starts playing video games, Kirsten got demoted, Marissa and Luke broke up like six times and apparently lose their virginity to each other, Ryan burned down a house, Grandpa Caleb's 23 year-old girlfriend tries to have sex with Ryan...oh, and Luke gets shot. That is what I could come up with during one minute of thinking. I doubt it's half of the ridiculous shit that took place.

God bless this awful show.

Sami Zayn Is The Perfect Professional Wrestler

I went to NXT in Largo at The Minnreg Hall this past weekend, and this was probably the strongest NXT house show that I have seen. They put a lot of top level talent out there like American Alpha, The Vaudevillians, and Bayley, while complementing it with some hilarious talent like Alex Riley, Angelo Dawkins, and Patrick from Tough Enough. But most importantly, it included Sami Zayn, and his match against Manny Andrade, more than any other, showed why Zayn is the perfect professional wrestler.

Now I guess that before I start talking about Zayn, I should probably let you know who Manny Andrade is. Right now, he's a nobody, because I don't think he's been on television before, but he is, like many, a guy who tore it up in smaller organizations (as La Sombra) before moving on to developmental, and seeing him go against Zayn made me feel very good about his future. That being said, I saw him once earlier and thought very little of him besides him laying in the ropes once and looking like a "cool guy."

But Sami Zayn vs. Manny Andrade showed me that Sami Zayn is the best professional wrestler for so many reasons. When I saw Manny Andrade come out, I started to hypothesize who would dominate him in the upcoming match. I was guessing Baron Corbin or maybe even Apollo Crews, but when Sami's music hit, the entire crowd erupted in cheers. There is no question that Sami Zayn is the most beloved NXT Superstar out there, and the whole crowd immediately perks up with happiness and sings along with his song making it an incredibly positive place to be. My wife isn't a huge wrestling fan, and had really only seen parts of his matches on NXT, but just watching his entrance and his interaction with fans made her remark, "He seems nice. I'd like to hang out and have a beer with him." And here's the thing: Obviously I would want to go, but if my wife said that she was going out for drinks with Sami Zayn without me, I'd be totally fine with it. I mean, I'd be jealous, but I wouldn't worry about any funny stuff going on.

So I got prepared for a squash match where Sami Zayn would dominate this little known wrestler. It was not that. With other top wrestlers like Finn Balor or Apollo Crews, you always kind of know that they will prevail, but with Zayn, it's different. He doesn't always win, so there is always that small sense of doubt that he might not pull it out. It adds so much drama and excitement to his matches that other top stars simply can't match. He's in that sweet spot where you'll believe he can beat anybody, while simultaneously believing he could lose to anybody.

And this match was incredible. Had I gone to four hours worth of NXT tapings, this could have easily stolen the show, and I would have felt lucky to have seen it. The fact that I saw this at an NXT house show at a place that is basically the size of an elementary school gym made it all that more amazing. There were 4-5 times where I could have seen the match ending, only to have it continue with just a split second before the three count. I mean, sure Sami Zayn was 99.9% going to win, but it was just a house show, so maybe he could take a loss? With other top guys, you don't get that feeling; you know they'll win. Sami Zayn is different, and it makes it so much better.

And yes, Sami Zayn did end up hitting the Helluva Kick for the win. But I was on the edge of my seat (which I guess would be on my toes, since I was standing) the entire match. That is why Sami Zayn is the perfect professional wrestler.

Natural Light, I Love You

Outside of the WWE, there is no #Brand that I have more affection for than Natural Light. I have waxed poetically about Natural Light here, here, and here. Oh, and also here. And how could I forget here? And then there's here. That should do it...wait, here's one more (there are actually more where I dropped in compliments; these are just the most prominent posts).

I love Natural Light. Nearly all of the most fun times I have had in my life have had Natural Light prominently involved. Is it the best beer I've ever had? No, it's not. But it is the best beer to have. It's perfect in so many ways.

It falls in this beautiful area where it's cheap but the Hipsters really haven't attached themselves to it. Not only that, but it's always easy to call out posers when they try hate on Natural Light. I have had this exchange every time I have Natural Light.

Poser: Natural Light, ugh, I can't believe you can drink this stuff.
Me: It's awesome beer, why is that so hard to believe?
Poser: It tastes like shit.
Me: Natural Light barely tastes like anything. You've never had Natural Light, have you?
Poser: Uh...
Me: Yep, that's what I thought.

AND SCENE.

Also, Natural Light is a great way to make friends. Good, salt of the Earth people have gone through some weekends of pounding back some Natural Lights. They may have lost their way as the years went on, but they are always excited to see a guy going to a backyard BBQ or Rose Bowl with 12 Nattys by his side.

Finally, I've mentioned this before (probably numerous times), but nothing bad happens when you drink Natty Light. You can have 1, you can have 10, you can have 100, and you can only reach a safe level of drunkeness that keeps you fully aware of the good times with the ability to impress the ladies.

I love Natural Light, and I want Natural Light to love me. I know that the good people at Natty Light Headquarters can't send me 30 packs as a gift, but I know they have swag. Sweet, sweet swag. Maybe a t-shirt, maybe a hat, or maybe a gi (which would be THE coolest thing ever), but come on Natty Light representative, show me some love. Hit me up on Twitter (@HottJoe) or by email (uncensoredwriting@gmail.com), as I have already pledge my allegiance but want to walk proudly in swag to let everyone know that I'm ALL NATURAL...Light.

I Went To The Rose Bowl And Saw Iowa Get Their Ass Kicked

When Iowa made the Rose Bowl this year, I planned on finding a way to go. Then I saw that tickets were nearly $700, and I quickly decided that I could watch the game from a television and get enough of the experience. Then, about two weeks before the game, ticket prices dropped, and I told my wife that I would be ditching her on New Year's Eve to fly across the country so I could attend the game. Oh, and then I asked her if she could drive me 2.5 hours from her sister's place to DC, so I could catch a flight out there.

I got out late on New Year's Eve and plans to party with fancy people in downtown LA quickly changed to partying at a dive bar. Before I could head down there, a buddy of mine from the LA crew came back to his house (where I was staying) and said he was feeling sick and that it was going to be coming out of both ends. He then walked about three steps, and started projectile vomiting a comical amount of puke over and over again. As he was bent over getting everything out of his system, my Lyft ride came, so I patted him on the back, told him good luck, and headed to the bar to talk shit to my buddies.

My buddies were shockingly hanging out with members of the opposite sex, and the ladies found my shit-talk super charming (they repeatedly referred to me as an asshole), and I could tell that they were disappointed when they saw a ring on my finger. After dashing those girls' hopes of hooking up with a certified G and a bonafide stud, it was about 12:30, which meant it was time for this old dog to head home and get ready for an early morning.

I naturally woke up at 5:00 AM and could not go back to sleep, because it was the ROSE BOWL. Still, nobody else quite shared my enthusiasm, so I took my time pooping before I got bored and had to start playing Psychostick's chart-topping hit, "Beer!" 

There is no better song to get ready for the day, and it did get them and their vomit-soaked bodies moving, although still slower than I would have preferred. Still, we were able to get an Uber up there before 8:00 AM. 

This is where things got interesting. One guy brought up staying sober and watching the parade. I thought he was joking. Then another guy said that he'd like to do that too, and I knew that these jokers were serious. There was no way I was going to waste anymore time to watch giant balloons float around while possibly getting free candy (I'm an adult). So, although I may have ditched three friends, I was still rolling deep with a dozen of my best friends, 12 cans of Natural Light.

After knocking back a beer and receiving a half dozen compliments on my beer choice, I decided to do something that I do not ever endorse, and that is fire up Facebook. I knew my good friends were still hours away, but maybe I knew some other Hawkeye fans in the vicinity. Sure enough, I had a buddy that I worked with in Seattle that I hadn't seen in years that I saw was in the area. I went to meet up with him, and on the way, ran into an aunt and uncle that I had no clue were going to be there. It was a great way to spend a couple hours. And the moral of that story is if you drink Natural Light by yourself on a beautiful day, good things will happen (God, I want to be the spokesperson for Natural Light more than anything in this world). 

Anyway, then I met up with my lazy buddies and had a totally uneventful time as I finished off my 12 pack before we headed into the game. Now, at 12 beers deep, I'm feeling good. I'm talkative but always friendly. I was having amicable conversations with a variety of Stanford fans, even getting a sweet treat from some ladies; was it for being the sexiest fan in attendance? Well, they didn't specify that it wasn't. 

As I said, all of my conversations were amicable, but that doesn't mean I wasn't talking some shit while waiting in line. There were a few black people willing to go back and forth with me (white people aren't confident enough to go toe to toe with my wit) about their evil Stanford Cardinal and my beloved Iowa Hawkeyes. It ended with me saying that I was going to find where they were sitting, come down, snuggle right in between them and let them know how great the Iowa Hawkeyes are. They were getting a good chuckle out of it and said they hoped to see me later.

As I entered the stadium, I'll admit, I was a little in awe. It wasn't logical to be in awe, but my love of the Rose Bowl was already solidly built on my desire to be there. For me, the Rose Bowl was like a kid going to Disneyland. The familiar sights and past stories made it the happiest place on Earth before I even set a foot inside of it. Maybe it's not the most up to date, amazing place in all areas, but my admiration of the entire place was going to cover up any warts that existed. If you asked me to describe it, I could tell you that the concourses were open and the sight lines were good. Outside of that, I'd really just say that you have to be there to experience it.

We got to our seats that were in the corner of an endzone in the 22nd row, and it also had a cement barricade right in front of us which was perfect for setting down our drinks. It gave us a great view of everything and would allow us to see plays develop.

So this is the part where I need to talk about the game, don't I? Shit. Well, before the game, I read a breakdown from SmartFootball of a HB Option play for McCaffery that went over how difficult it is for defenses in man coverage to handle. I wasn't concerned, because Iowa usually zones their linebackers, so they at least shouldn't be susceptible to that. Of course, Iowa played man on the first snap of the game, Stanford called that EXACT play, and Christian McCaffery used deceptive speed (because he's white) to roll into the endzone without a Hawkeye even threatening to touch him.

As Stanford fans jumped around in front of me, I saw some familiar faces just three rows in front of me. That's right; it was the people I was talking shit to. Some would call that karma, and they would probably be correct, but they started pointing up at me, and I assured them that I still planned on snuggling up next to them to celebrate as Iowa was beating Stanford in the second half.

Then Stanford scored again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And I continued to talk shit the ENTIRE TIME. I continued to tell them that they were going to have to make room for me, so I could educate them on the greatness of the Hawkeyes. I'm an incredibly optimistic person when I have 12 Natural Lights in me, so I figured, hey, if Stanford can score 35 points in a half, there's no reason Iowa can't as well. I was still screaming about how Iowa was just playing with Stanford when Tom Arnold came on the Jumbotron, and nearly said what I was saying verbatim. It was the first sign that maybe I had been drinking too much.

And then Stanford scored again, but this time it was only a field goal, so...victory? 

It got near the end of the 3rd quarter where Iowa cut the lead to 38-3, and I decided it was time to take my medicine. I promised those Stanford fans that I would be snuggling right in between them and educate them on the greatness of the Hawkeyes, and that's exactly what I did. When I snuck up and sat down between them, their faces went from shock to uproarious laughter as I told them I was a man of my word and that I still believed the Hawkeyes had the game in the bag. I picked a great time to sit down there, as shortly after that, CJB threw a deep ball to Matt VandeBerg for Iowa's first touchdown. Oh man, did I shove that right in their highly educated and successful faces. Then Koehn missed the extra point, because of course he did. After that, the Stanford fans got pictures with the smartest/coolest/sexiest guy (I'm talking about me) there, and I took the long journey (three rows up) back to my regular seats.

Iowa and Stanford each added touchdowns to make the final score 45-16 (Iowa won the second half 16-10, NO BIG DEAL). Iowa had their worst game of the year and got their asses handed to them, but it was still a great experience. 

How did I stay so positive throughout the entire game? Maybe it's because now that I'm an adult I have a little perspective on things and realized that it's just a football game. But that seems unlikely, because I still scream at my television during Iowa sporting events like a lunatic. No, it was something bigger than that. No matter the outcome, Iowa was finally playing in the Rose Bowl. 

The Rose Bowl. 

To most people, it's just a stadium, but in this kid's eyes, it's Disneyland, and it's hard to be sad when you're at the happiest place on Earth. 

The Worst Thing I Have Ever Seen

Tailgating may be my favorite activity. It is just so damn American. A grill with your choice of meats, being able to drink cheap beers (if you're drinking fancy beers, you're not doing it right; Natty Light or GTFO) during the daytime and have it be socially acceptable, and a sporting contest to top it all off. I mean, dang, is there anything that can compete with that? Tailgating is the best, and it has given me some of my fondest memories.

That is why this one moment will always stick out for me. It stands out as the worst thing I have ever seen, because it was awful on its own, but made worse by happening during something so wonderful.

My buddy had friends tailgating in a good lot, so we met up with them, and most of them seemed like fine people. People were drinking, and some had their parents joining in on the festivities. Now, as a seasoned tailgater, I'm a great believer in the practice of "Checking for CDs." This is a classic move to avoid the lines at the porta-potties where you open up a car door where you search for some fresh tunes to play, and if you happen to unzip your pants and piss by the car door, hey, that's cool too.

A tailgater was using this classic ploy to subtly take a piss by a car when the worst thing I have ever seen happened. Another college student saw this, and said he was going to get the cops. I thought he was joking. But nope, instead of letting it be, because that is what any normal human being would do, he yelled for a police officer to come over and arrest him. I stood there, dumbfounded, as the police obliged and gave the guy a ticket for public urination, which was an offense that became incredibly costly a year before that.

Things actually got worse from there. The guy who called over the police officer continued to lament about how offensive it was that this guy was taking a piss. His friends, instead of rightly calling him out for being a total piece of shit, agreed with him. Then our hero shared his fears by stating, "I mean, my Mom is here and could have seen that." Yes, folks, the "that" that he is referring to, is a penis. Male genitalia. Apparently, he had such little faith in his own Mother that he thought that just seeing a random dick would make her leave his Dad, and start rubbing and sucking that dick until completion. This is what a son thought about his mother.

This was probably seven years ago, and I still tighten up in my chest thinking about it. Why someone would cost someone $300 for peeing in a secluded part of the parking lot. The guy wasn't flashing his dick; he was just looking for some relief, and I honestly didn't even notice the guy until that idiot started ranting about needing justice before his Mom saw a penis and needed to have it.

It's one thing if somebody is flashing their dick or rubbing inappropriately on someone, but if someone is being discreet, show some courtesy and let them be. Tailgating is one of the greatest things about America; don't be a piece of shit and ruin it.

A Cardinals Fan, a Cubs Fan, a Red Sox Fan, and a Tigers Fan Walk Into a Bar

...they all walk in at different times, and take seats at the bar.

The Cubs, Red Sox, and Tigers fan start conversing at the bar. The Cubs/Cardinals game is on, and even though the conversation starts on baseball, the fans of their respective teams also converse on Arkansas, Michigan, and Iowa football. Laughs are shared by all, and they are the life of the party.

The Cardinals fan sits quietly on his laptop and stays away from any and all conversation. To call him a party pooper would be an insult to shit.

The three baseball fans marvel at the skills of Jake Arrieta, because even though he didn't have his best outing, he has been on an incredible run in the second half of the season.

The Cardinals fan gets incredibly bitter at the mere mention of Jake Arrieta, because Cubs fans think he's so great. Uh, yeah dude. The reason Cubs fans are like that is because he is pretty great.

The three baseball fans continue to commiserate over sushi and beers.

The Cardinals fan gets a club sandwich (the #1 sandwich for children) and white wine, because of course the white wine pairs perfectly with the Hellman's Mayo on his sandwich.

The three baseball fans all agree that the Cubs are the team to root for in these playoffs.

And worst of all, the Cardinals fan roots for the Cardinals. He was the worst.

To be fair, this all happened for game three. For the final game of the series, I was at a sports bar and sat next to a totally pleasant, female, Cardinals fan. I don't even think she ate any mayonnaise.

My Review of Hogan's Beach

So I recently moved about an hour away from Tampa. This meantthat there was one restaurant that was at the top of my list on places to go, Hogan's Beach. Although I'm not quite as proud to be a Hulkamaniac as I once was, Hulk Hogan was still instrumental in my childhood, and I still train and eat my vitamins every day (Yes, I know that I am also supposed to say my prayers, but two out of three ain't bad). Although it isn't quite the holy land, Hogan's Beach was a place I had to go. Also, I could use it to take the wife out for dinner, so win-win.

The first thing that surprised me is that it was actually impressive looking. It is a very large place, and it is right on the beach where you just walk down a few stairs from the restaurant and you can go swimming. They also had beach volleyball and a pretty big stage set up at all times. Unfortunately, when I actually arrived at the restaurant, I found out that valet parking is mandatory and costs $5. That's some bullshit, Hulk Hogan, and I was none too pleased about it as I have parked my own car thousands of times without fail.

They did partially make up for it as I spotted Jimmy Hart walking by immediately when we got in the door. I told my wife who it was before she could make a condescending remark about the tiny guy with the hair of a fun-loving grandma. I figured if Jimmy Hart was right near the door, who knew all of the wrestling greats I might run into. Could I be at a table next to Brian Knobbs? Maybe I could have a beer with Bushwhacker Luke. The possibilities seemed endless. Unfortunately, our run-in with greatness began and ended with the Mouth of the South.

We got a table outside and looked over the menu. I was pleasantly surprised with the varieties of beer they had on tap. They had ten different craft beers on tap, so I ordered a Long Hammer since it was from Seattle, and I lived in Seattle back in the day. Unfortunately, the waitress came back with my wife's drink and not mine. She informed me that they no longer had Long Hammer. I ordered another beer, and she quickly told me that they did not have that either, and that in fact, they only had three of the craft beers listed on the menu. That made my decision much easier, but it was a little disappointing.

Then it was time to figure out food. I quickly scanned the menu, and saw the Hogan Burger. Obviously, this was going to be my decision. My wife asked me if I liked fried egg on my burger. I told her I didn't know, but I was about to find out. I mean, if it's good enough for Hulk Hogan, it's good enough for me.

The food came out, and it was fine. The fried egg on the burger didn't add a ton, but it also didn't take away from the other flavors. The arugula and bacon lardons were the highlights, and the roasted tomatoes and black truffle mayo drifted into the background. The burger tasted like ground beef that had been cooked. So, yeah, the food was nothing spectacular.

I would have to say the biggest highlight were the two guys at the table next to us. They were drinking beers, sharing appetizers, and having shots of Fireball. They finished everything up, and the waitress asked if they wanted their check. These bros were shocked at the audacity of this waitress to see if they wanted their check. One bro replied, "Apparently you don't know us. We like to drink, so we're gonna be here for a while." The waitress, since she did not know them, she was only their waitress, was about to just say "Okay," but before she could, Bro 2 piped up and said, "Two more Miller Lites." Party hard, brosephs. Party hard.

After our meal, we checked out the memorabilia on display and the two biggest highlights were a vitamin bag that was the size of a large backpack and the Thunderlips robe from Rocky III. The latter alone makes it worth the trip.

So where does that leave us with Hogan's Beach? Well, in summary, it's a completely inoffensive tourist trap with some fun Hulk Hogan memorabilia on the wall. It's not good, it's not bad. it just is. I give it 12 inch biceps.

The Comprehensive History of the APA

Thanks to reader, Lukewarm Jonah, for the suggestion on writing about the APA. He mentioned that he wasn't talking about that writing shit, but when I hear APA, the Acolytes Protection Agency will always be the first thing that comes to mind. The APA is a very interesting WWE team, as they are still beloved, despite neither guy being near his peak during their time as a member of the APA. Ron Simmons/Farooq was far more influential in the WCW and during his time leading the Nation of Domination. Meanwhile, Bradshaw would become JBL and be a consistent World Heavyweight Title Champion and contender. But still, they drank beer, cussed, and gambled, and those activities will always be cool in pro wrestling. Before we get there, let's look at how these guys came together.

It all started with The Undertaker and Paul Bearer creating the Ministry of Darkness. Bradshaw and Farooq joined up as Hell's Henchmen. They quickly became The Acolytes when their manager, The Jackyl, left the WWE. Their first order of business was adding some weight behind the Ministry. 

With the help of Phineas I. Godwinn (Mideon), they abduct a 600 pound Mabel, who would later become Viscera, and be as successful in that role as he was in all of his others (not very).

The Acolytes would go on to win the tag team titles a couple times, and that's all well and good. But wrestling will never be what they were remembered for, they were the best bodyguards (sorry, Diesel) in WWE history. 

These guys split from the Ministry of Darkness to do their own thing. It gave them more time to kick ass and drink beer. Still, they valued one thing even more than beer, and that was money. But it took them a while to change from a tag team to an official protection agency. Luckily, the Mean Street Posse needed help, and they found the perfect guys for the job.

My favorite part of that video is that they are playing gin. That is the ultimate Grandma card game.

Now, as a professional protection agency, they needed to hone their skills. A lot of people may try to do this at a dojo or mixed martial arts gym, but the APA knew the kind of fights they were going to get into, so they trained where the fights were happening, the bars. 

Bradshaw doesn't care if you're the state's arm wrestling champion, and neither him or Farooq care if they are outnumbered. As long as they strike first, they are going to win the fight. Here, they beat the crap out of a bunch of posers from Rhode Island. They leave without a scratch on them. This would not be the last time that they fought in a bar, and by a bar, I mean it won't be the last time that they fought in this very bar. This would help them when the WWE had bar room brawls where they not only had to fight but drink excessively as well.

Still, business was not as booming as they had hoped, so they did what any good business would do and produce a top-notch commercial.

Not many protection agencies will be paid in beer and cigars, but that's what made the APA such great business men. They were willing to think outside the box. One of their downfalls in business was that they were sitting there but let their answering machine take the call. If you want beer, you gotta answer the phone. Also, guys, you have a drawer for Zima but not Natty Light, that's suspect planning on your part.

They did try to get clever with what APA could stand for, and, um, that didn't work out too well.

Yeah, there is no way to construe that as anything but the advertisement for a successful gay bar. The WWE could have been really progressive and made them two badass gays who did not fit into typical stereotypes, but this is the WWE, so there was no way of that happening.

Still, it was clear that these guys had their shit together, so it was no surprise that other WWE Superstars wanted to be like the APA.

Here are the six best things about that video.
6. Brian Kendrick has clearly never been around a drunk person.
5. Farooq insisting that drinking alcohol is the only way to make it.
4. Bradshaw claiming that Brian Kendrick had a malignant case of dumbass.
3. That door.
2. Bradshaw saying that Britney Spears kissing Jenna Jameson would be hot.
1. Farooq responding that Britney Spears is a virgin.

This video should be shown in schools to help future generations became awesome.

The APA also helped get over one of the simplest, yet memorable, catchphrases in WWE history.

DAMN.

In the end, these guys were more than hired hands to take care of dirty work. They were friends, and that is the element of the APA we can never forget. The only people they cared about were the people with the biggest paychecks. The only exceptions were each other. And if there's one thing friends know how to do, it's throw a party.

Yes, the APA may have closed their doors, but the memories, much like their friendship, will live on forever.

I Hate Wine

I hate wine so much. It is the worst. I think back to the legendary Jesus tale where he turned a barrel of water into wine, and when I was a child, I used to think it was awesome, but now I hate that story. I would have been so pissed had I just wanted a glass of water and instead I got some Pinot Grigio instead. Even if Jesus had done this after he died for our sins, I still would have taken a sip, and said, "Thanks for nothing, Jesus." He would have been so hurt at my emphasis on nothing, and I probably would have felt bad about it later, but seriously, some people just want a glass of water so we don't get hungover the next day, and it's a real dick move to deprive me of that opportunity.

Um, I did not know that I was going to go in that direction. Let's try to get back on track.

I am getting married, and everyone on both sides of the family seems to think wine is awesome. I disagree, as I don't like the taste, and really, don't even like the idea of wine. But they go to wineries and live it up. And you know what? Good for them. I am happy that they are enjoying life, as I don't ever want to deprive people of a good time. But you know what is not sold at wineries? Natural Light. And I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon to come waltzing into a winery with a 30 pack of Natties on your shoulder. Sorry I like to party.

Wine also takes up a lot of valuable real estate. These wine drinkers open up a bottle and have a glass. They then put a cork in the wine and put it in the fridge. The next night (or even worse, that same night), they grab a different bottle and have a glass of that, put a cork in that and put it in the fridge. Pretty soon, we have three bottles of wine taking up valuable real estate in the fridge. It's not like I drink half a Natty Light and then have a Brooklyn Winter Ale (practically the same beers) before corking them and putting them in the fridge for later use. Because of all this wine, my milk no longer has its special area inside the door. I understand that it is illogical for me to be mad that I have to put my milk in a different spot in the fridge, but this is the type of stuff that really grinds my gears.

So if you love wine, good for you, you should keep drinking it, because it makes you happy. But if you could do me a favor and just finish one bottle before starting another, it would probably lead to world peace. If you have two bottles open at once, don't come complaining to me when another war starts; that one's on you.

Keep The Beer Flowing

So I went for an all-day drinkathon while tailgating this weekend. Whenever I do something like this, I am reminded of the Toby Keith song where he says, "I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm as good once, as I ever was." At 28 years old, that is where I am at when it comes to my drinking days.

Things did not start out well as the gas station we stopped at did not have any Natural Light. I knew I was going to have to switch to swill later on when we went to the bar, but I was not hoping to start out with it. Oh well, Bud Light it is.

Drinking starts at 8:00 AM, because it was an afternoon game, so I was able to get by with a later start. I proceeded to drink about a dozen beers and eat a whole gang of free tacos. That is really the best thing about tailgating. Every single person tailgating somehow makes way too much food, so people are always looking to give food away. If I was homeless, I would just buy a college/pro shirt of whatever city I was in, and have like 8-10 awesome meals each year. I really hope there are homeless people reading this at the public library.

Then it was time to the bar, because football is not a fun sport to watch in person, as when you are at the game, you realize how slow of a game football is. Also, since it was a college game, I would have had to stop drinking. We get to the bar about 15 minutes before the game starts, and I somehow manage to weasel my way into a seat by the bar. This is the last good news from that bar, because I am a fan of the Iowa Hawkeyes, and they managed to shit the bed, the couch, and the recliner. They just shit everywhere.

Then we went to this crappy little dive bar that is a couple blocks away from the serious action. Some lady, who was obviously trying to impress me, put some money in the jukebox and let me pick the songs. So I put on a bunch of awesome songs. You bet your ass that I put on some "Moondance" by Van Morrison, because I am a classy gentleman. I proceeded to dance and romance throughout the song.

I also decided to put on Roxanne, so we could play the Roxanne drinking game (one person/team drinks every time Sting says Roxanne, the other/team does it when he says Red Light). Unfortunately, my one buddy had not gotten back with our beers when the song started, so another buddy and I started singing. We were warned for singing too loud...at a bar! We did calm down, but mostly because it was during the verse and not the refrain. When the refrain hit, we took it to another level as we battled to see who could be more awesome while singing the song. You really haven't lived until you have shimmied and screamed "Roxanne" into a friend's face in a public place. We were asked to leave, but I do not blame myself or my friend, I blame their service, because if we would have had beers, we could have just harmlessly slammed our 20th (estimate) beer of the day. Keep the beer flowing, and we keep the harmless, good times going.

To top it all off, later on my buddy passed on the beers and switched to liquor and ended up face planting at the end of the night. This is what happens when you don't keep the beer flowing. Some say beer before liquor, never been sicker. They could say that beer before liquor can be a real ass kicker.

The Only Problem With Natural Light

I have always known that nobody is perfect, but now it seems that nothing in this world is perfect. The closest thing to perfection, without a doubt, is Natrual Light. It goes down like water, it's cheap, it screams party, and it is always reliable to get you drunk, but never wasted.

Unfortunately, that first point is actually a flaw. Before all you beer snobs think that a beer with little taste is a bad thing, it's not, so you can shove your fancy beers up your ass and hope your bidet can clean things out for you. With that being said, Natural Light may be a little too close to water.

See, I'm a man in my mid-late twenties (I refuse to classify 27 as late 20s, although 28 means it's probably time for a nursing home...until I turn 28, and then 28 will be young again), so when I drink all day and all night, it leads to hangovers. The best thing for a hangover is chocolate milk, trust me on that, but if I'm not in the mood for that, I like to replenish myself with the classic cure of water.

Alcohol, which Natural Light contains, is a poison, and my body recognizes that. My body has a short-term memory, so it never tries to tell me to stop while I am poisoning it, but if I try to repoison it, my body tries to reject that. So, what I have learned is that water is extremely hard to drink after a Natty Light hangover due to the fact that my body thinks I am repoisoning it. I am trying to help my body, but my body makes water, which has no flavor, taste bad to my mind. My body can literally not tell the difference between water and Natural Light. This is not fun, because the rehydration process is not easy without water, so my hangovers last much longer than they did in my youthful days. As an advocate for Natural Light, it was depressing to discover its incorrectable flaw.

So, that leads us to this very difficult question. Am I done drinking Natural Light?

The answer...

Fuck no. I'm just done drinking water when I'm hungover. A person can die without water, but a person has no reason to live without Natural Light.

-Joe

P.S. I'm not sure what the most shocking thing is in this article about Hawkeyes Cornerback B.J. Lowery. That his name is Fernando, or that B.J. stands for Boots Junior. Although, I would like to now think that every B.J. is referring to Boots Junior. I remember Hawkeye and Chicago Bulls legend, Boots Junior Armstrong, and you see that chick over there in the corner, I wouldn't mind if she gave me a Boots Junior.

It's Always Sunny in the United Center - Part One

The Chicago Bulls have been an awesome team to watch this year.  Even for non-Bulls fans, they may be the most fun team to watch in the entire NBA.  Between Derrick Rose making a few jaw-dropping plays every game, Joakim Noah hustling all over the floor, and Boozer crashing the boards for putbacks, there is a very high entertainment value involved with the Bulls.  Because of this high entertainment value, they will be honored in the greatest way possible, with a multi-part series on this blog.  Since any jerkoff can tell you that the Bulls are awesome, I will blend sports and pop culture when I compare the Chicago Bulls to the characters of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Today, I present part one.

Derrick Rose – Dennis Reynolds – I’ll admit that this was the toughest one to assign, because Rose is so much more awesome than anybody else out there that it’s tough to find the right counterpart on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Still, I focused on the leap that Derrick Rose has made this season.  Dennis began his leap late in the season last year with the D.E.N.N.I.S. System, followed by “implications” made in the boat episode, and had a catch with Chase Utley while advising us to just say yes.  Dennis has made the leap, and so has Derrick Rose as he has gone from “wow, that guy knows how to play basketball” awesome, to “you don’t change the channel when the Bulls are playing” awesome.    Seriously, if you haven’t watched much NBA this season, watch the Bulls as he is guaranteed to make at least two jaw-dropping plays during any game.

 

Joakim Noah – Charlie Kelly – This is a matter of anybody who watches them a lot loves every second that they appear on their television screen.  Much the way that outsiders think It’s Always Sunny is stupid if they only tune in for five minutes, fans of other NBA teams hate Noah.  Both of these types of people are morons.  Sure, both of these guys are out of their god-damned minds, but they do it in such a loveable way.  Plus, these are two guys that are willing to do the dirty work as Noah gets boards and plays tough defense while Charlie smashes rats and looks for treasure in the sewer.

Taj Gibson – Frank Reynolds – When everyone’s healthy, Taj is not a starter, just like Frank did not start off in the show until Season Two.  Although, he’s not one of the main four people, Frank’s impact is immeasurable, and I feel the same way about Taj.  Let’s face it, shooting guard is not a strength for this team, so Taj is definitely our fifth most valuable player.  Although, neither of these two have classic good looks, I smile when I see Taj smile, and I smile when I see Frank crawling out of a leather couch naked.   

And just like Frank helps Charlie with dirty work, Taj does the same thing for Noah.

Carlos Boozer – Mac – These two are both necessities for the success of their team.  They’re both versatile as Boozer can score from inside, but can also nail a jumper, while Mac can be funny with his physical humor and his wit.  Because of Rose’s presence, Boozer never gets top billing, but he’s also crucial nearly every night like Mac is crucial in every episode.  Rarely will you say that Mac totally owned an episode on his own, but it is rare when you won’t say that Mac and Charlie or Mac and Dennis, etc. were awesome in the episode.  If you team him with the right people, he is somebody who can dominate, but he will always have an impact, much like Mac does something important in every episode. 

Luol Deng – The Lawyer – These are two guys where you thought you would hate them, but the more you see them, the more you enjoy their presence.  The Lawyer has great versatility as he knows when to keep his cool, when to explode with anger, and also when to accept a challenge to a duel.  The same is true for Deng, as he has a decent jumper, plays good defense, and is always a solid contributor.  All the lawyer does is screw over the gang, but you still love him.  And let’s face it, everyone has wanted Deng in about 35 different trades over the last three years.  When you actually watch him though, he may not jump off the screen, but he’s essential to the greater good of the team like the lawyer is essential for the greater good of society.

That's all for part one; I'll be back tomorrow with more Bulls talk.

-Joe

P.S.  I know this has been all over the Internet, but I still don't understand how a beer can fill up from the bottom.