My Greatest Accomplishment

I have accomplished many things in my lifetime. Much like Jesus, my 33 years on this Earth have been filled with momentous occasions and legendary tales. Unlike Jesus, very few of mine have had a positive impact on the world as a whole, but the similarities are definitely there. Recently, I had a life milestone that will truly go down as my greatest accomplishment in this world. They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. In this case, 1,000 doesn't do it justice.

My picture is pathetic, but trust me, it's a pretty sweet setup.

I have an outdoor TV that I can see from my pool. In Florida, having a pool really isn't that big of a deal. I think half the people in my neighborhood have one, because it makes way more sense to have a pool down in Florida since we have the temperatures to take advantage of it. But to Little Joey growing up in Iowa? A pool was a dream I could barely fathom. A pool meant that you were a baller.

And now, on top of a pool, I have a flat screen TV that I can watch while chillaxin' in the pool. That is some next level shit. Little Joe-Joe couldn't even fathom having a television by the pool, much less a flat screen, because that only existed in science fiction. To this day, I still don't understand how it's possible for flat screen TVs to work.

With this setup, I can watch old episodes of WCW Nitro while enjoying the beautiful fall weather in Florida. In fact, it also works during winter and spring. And then during the summertime, I can do it while in the dang pool. If Cribs was still a show, I would probably have my own episode. Kanye West wishes he had this. Jay-Z could only dream of my situation. LL Cool J (literally the only other rapper I could think of) can't even fathom my swagger.

Anyway, I just really wanted to brag that I set up a TV outside, and I waited a couple months to make sure that my TV mount didn't fall (it survived the hurricane, so I think I'm good). Thank you for your time.

5-Star Hotels Are Overrated

For my job, I have to travel once to twice a month, and because of that, I stay at fancy hotels that I would never consider if I were paying for it. This sounds like I'm living that baller lifestyle, but trust me, the only reason I'm there is because the fancy people I have to deal with need to be at fancy places. But after going to some of these things, I have to admit that I don't really get what makes a 5-star hotel so great.

I've stayed in a few of these places, and there really isn't many meaningful differences. They have a lot of meeting space, which doesn't really matter to me if I'm just randomly selecting a hotel. They have a relatively nice bar and restaurant, but I'd still rather go to a real restaurant or bar to get a little culture in my life. I mean, I guess their staff dresses nicer than the people at the Red Roof Inn, but I'm a big believer in comfort over style, so I side with Red Roof on this one.

As for the rooms, they're clean, but it's not like I'm staying in a Penthouse Suite. It's about the same size as other rooms. The bed is relatively comfortable, but not so comfortable that I actually get a good night's sleep, because I simply don't sleep in hotels very well. It is a flat screen TV as opposed to an old box TV, but I can't imagine that's the only thing that makes a 5-star hotel, especially since the last one I stayed in didn't even have HBO working in my room.

The one thing that did stand out is excellent water pressure. I would have said good water pressure with the shower as it had a good stream blasting me, but that was nothing compared to the toilet. That toilet had enough pressure to swallow a damn basketball. It was damn impressive.

But are hotels strictly based off of their toilet strength? Common sense would say no, but I really can't think of any other advantage that the fancy hotels have. So, I guess I'll stay in a 5-star hotel if I murder someone with my killer crossover game and need to get rid of the evidence. Otherwise, I'll probably just go with the cheap option and double flush my poops.

My Dog Punked Me On The Basketball Court

I decided to go to the local park and shoot some hoops the other day. I hadn't shot in a while, and my shot is usually pretty bad, but it was absolutely busted the first few times I threw the ball at the basket, as it literally looked like that was all I was trying to accomplish. Luckily, I had my dog there for moral support, as she loves me no matter how bad my skills are on the court.

But after a few shots, I started to get back to my old level (which is still very bad, but it at least looked like I was aiming at something). And although she was tired from chasing her ball earlier, she was still curious to watch me play on the court, and she even decided to step up and play some defense. At first, she was just crowding my space, so I couldn't jump forward on my shots. It was incredibly effective.

After that, she took it to another level. She started crying at me to give her more attention, because my friend, the basketball, was getting all of my sweet touch, at least that's what I thought. She got tired of playing defense shortly after that and decided to hang out under the hoop for rebounds. That is when she took it to her final level of intimidation.

I rose up to take a picture perfect three point shot and right as I was about to release the ball, my dog used all her might to bark as loud as she could. It came out of nowhere, and surprised the hell out of me, causing my shot to go about three feet to the left. I started laughing, because it was a good prank by my dog. I grabbed the ball, lined up to shoot, and went to fire when she barked at me again and completely threw off my shot. This was no longer a game to her as she was in my head and throwing off my entire game. She was out there punking me on the playground, and I was losing my rep as a true baller.

I did the only thing I could do at that point. I started working on dunks (layups), so I couldn't be taken out of my game. Still, the damage had been done. My dog punked me out on the basketball court, and she's not going to let me hear the end of it.

Now I just need to work on catching a frisbee in my mouth so I can have my revenge.