My Greatest Accomplishment

I have accomplished many things in my lifetime. Much like Jesus, my 33 years on this Earth have been filled with momentous occasions and legendary tales. Unlike Jesus, very few of mine have had a positive impact on the world as a whole, but the similarities are definitely there. Recently, I had a life milestone that will truly go down as my greatest accomplishment in this world. They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. In this case, 1,000 doesn't do it justice.

My picture is pathetic, but trust me, it's a pretty sweet setup.

I have an outdoor TV that I can see from my pool. In Florida, having a pool really isn't that big of a deal. I think half the people in my neighborhood have one, because it makes way more sense to have a pool down in Florida since we have the temperatures to take advantage of it. But to Little Joey growing up in Iowa? A pool was a dream I could barely fathom. A pool meant that you were a baller.

And now, on top of a pool, I have a flat screen TV that I can watch while chillaxin' in the pool. That is some next level shit. Little Joe-Joe couldn't even fathom having a television by the pool, much less a flat screen, because that only existed in science fiction. To this day, I still don't understand how it's possible for flat screen TVs to work.

With this setup, I can watch old episodes of WCW Nitro while enjoying the beautiful fall weather in Florida. In fact, it also works during winter and spring. And then during the summertime, I can do it while in the dang pool. If Cribs was still a show, I would probably have my own episode. Kanye West wishes he had this. Jay-Z could only dream of my situation. LL Cool J (literally the only other rapper I could think of) can't even fathom my swagger.

Anyway, I just really wanted to brag that I set up a TV outside, and I waited a couple months to make sure that my TV mount didn't fall (it survived the hurricane, so I think I'm good). Thank you for your time.

The 5 Worst Things About The First Episode of The OC

My wife and I are rewatching The OC together, because I enjoy her company, and it's good to have a show to watch as we fall asleep at 10:00 PM (double digits means it's time to get to sleep). Anyway, we just started, and man, The OC is really bad. It makes ZERO sense, in every way, shape, and form. But that's also what kind of makes it wonderful. Still, there were a few things that I needed to address as they are too stupid to be excusable. Here are the five worst things about the first episode.

5. Luke Is Not Subtle
Luke tries to hook up with a girl at a party that not only is his girlfriend present, but it's a party for her. He couldn't be more blatant about it. He grabbed her in the middle of the party and took her out to the beach, showing no wit, charm, or guile. And HE GOT AWAY WITH IT. Luke was the dogshit worst at the beginning of this show, but he turned into by far my favorite character, so I'm just going to chalk this up to a baller-ass Luke move. I can't hate this. Let's try again.

5b. Ryan Is Awful At Crime
The first episode starts with Ryan's brother stealing a car, and Ryan being apprehensive about getting in. He slows down everything and is just hanging outside the car as his brother tells him to hurry up and get in. Finally, he sees a cop car and decides, "Yep, NOW is the time I should get in the car." That is literally the worst time to hop in a stolen car. So he hops in the car and they run into a lightpole trying to avoid the cops.

4. Ryan Is The Worst
Let's review what Ryan does in the first episode. He hops in a stolen car when he sees police officers driving by which shows that he is a stupid criminal. Despite having the charm of a dead moth, Sandy Cohen takes him in to his house. Ryan immediately starts smoking cigarettes at the end of the driveway. Then the Cohens invite him to a fancy party, and this idiot immediately starts sneaking alcohol. What a dumbass. This guy could not behave for an hour straight, and still, he gets adopted by a super rich family because he was nice to Seth. They totally should have just adopted a black kid instead. Sandy could have gotten all the drama of bringing in an outsider with none of the drama, as that child couldn't have been any worse than Ryan. The only logical explanation is that Seth is racist and refused to have a black friend, but that kind of seems true of everyone from Newport Beach.

3. Summer Is The Worst Friend
Summer and some random girl dropped Marissa off at her house. Marissa was passed out, so they just left her on the front stoop. That is not a good friend. Like, Summer could have just let Marissa pass out at her house. Also, hot take here: In the first episode, Marissa is hotter than Summer. She's got the girl next door thing perfected. Now, don't get me wrong, Summer probably passed her by episode three, and neither of them could hold a candle to my girl, Taylor Townsend.

2. Luke's Beatdown
Ryan sucker punches Luke, which wasn't even a big enough event to make it on how awful of a person Ryan is, and Luke then beats him up, but the only good shot he got in was a kick to the gut. If Luke would have just smashed his face in, things probably would have worked out better for every single person on this show except for Ryan and maybe Seth. That is a sacrifice I think all of Newport would be willing to make.

1. Seth Drinks Beer
Seth goes to his first party, and he decides to hang out by the keg and drink beer. There is NO WAY Seth would drink beer. He would be treating himself to the fruitiest cocktails, and he would either make them way too stiff and make an ass out of himself or he would make them with the tiniest amount of alcohol and pretend to be drunk. Either way it'd be an embarrassment and not involve any Natural Light.

Also, I could probably do this with every episode of The OC, but I can't put the world through that. I'm like six episodes in, and Jimmy Cooper lost $4 million, Sandy starts playing video games, Kirsten got demoted, Marissa and Luke broke up like six times and apparently lose their virginity to each other, Ryan burned down a house, Grandpa Caleb's 23 year-old girlfriend tries to have sex with Ryan...oh, and Luke gets shot. That is what I could come up with during one minute of thinking. I doubt it's half of the ridiculous shit that took place.

God bless this awful show.

I Wish I Could Talk About Pop Culture At Work

Something that I have realized about corporate America is that they do not share my same personal interests. Yes, many people like sports, but they like them on such a casual level that it is mentally taxing for me to dumb down my opinions enough to carry on a conversation. When it comes to pop culture, I have very little in common with the people I work with, so the only thing I ever bring up is my Hot Takes on The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise.

There are many small examples of things I wish I could discuss, but one that stood out was when I mentioned watching Review on Comedy Central, and the mere mention of Comedy Central brought scoffs from my coworkers, as they don't watch that channel. This blew my damn mind. Comedy Central is the station that I watch the most shows on. I mean, Review, South Park, Big Time in Hollywood, FL, Nathan For You, and Workaholics are all must watch television shows. But not in my coworkers' minds. They laugh at the mere idea of turning Comedy Central on.

Music is even more difficult. With TV, I can at least bring up my favorite shows before getting blank stares. In music, I can't even do that. I realized this as I was doing some work while jamming out to Steel Panther. I decided I should probably sing quietly, as most people aren't comfortable when someone belts out the lyrics to, "Fuckin' My Heart in the Ass." I mean, there's no way I can sing that song. I can't even say that song's title without an immediate trip to HR. Honestly, I'm not sure if I can mention the name Steel Panther without it possibly leading to some sort of lawsuit.

So, yeah, I don't exactly fit in corporate America, or really any place with well-adjusted human beings.

My Second Worst Nightmare

So just to be clear, my worst nightmare is definitely being buried alive. Nothing will top that, but just behind that was what happened on episode three of Black Mirror. Black Mirror is probably the most messed up television show out there, and that's why it works on NetFlix. It's British, it deals with the dangers of technology, and even when awful people have bad things happen to them, you don't actually feel happy at the end of the episode (episode 5 is a great example of this).

But the third episode was interesting in that people had chips implanted in them so they would have video of all of their memories. They could recall anything and even post up their videos on the television. Immediately, I thought of how I could relive some great times with this technology, but it was infinitely outweighed by all of the bad things I wouldn't want to relive. Now you are able to delete things that are boring or you do not want to remember for eternity, but other people would have my embarrassing moments saved, so I'm totally cool with our current memory system (Even in the positive moments, it may be better that I can glorify the moment and remember myself as way cooler than I actually was).

SPOILER ALERT. Do not read on if you do not want episode three ruined for you. I'm about to go over things.

So my second worst nightmare definitely happened in this episode, as a guy found out that his wife was cheating on him. That would be enough to put me in a very dark place, but then he finds out that their only child actually isn't his kid, as it was caused from the affair. There is no coming back from that. Not only did you get cheated on, but this guy is more successful than you at impregnating your wife.

At this point, I would have no choice but to live my life full of hatred. I'm not a big supporter of hate, but at that point, you basically have to embrace it. Here would be my hatred power rankings.

3. The Other Dude
Yeah, what he did was really shitty, but a lot of dudes sleep with women who are in relationships. If I saw him out and about, I'd probably fight him, because my hatred would outweigh the fact that I'm an adult and fighting is for children.

2. My Wife
I'd hate her more for sure. Not only would that shitty thing be out there, but it would also ruin all of my other memories of and with her. The dude in the episode ended up carving out the chip in his head so he could just wipe away all of his memories, and that totally seems worth it, because otherwise, happiness would not be attainable. At least my memories would be blurry, but happiness would not be finding me anytime soon.

1. The Baby
I know it's a baby, but I would hate that baby. I know that baby didn't do anything to me, but that baby would represent the worst moment of my life, and I would really wish for that kid to fuck up his life and possibly become a famous serial killer. Actually, I take that back. I don't want him to become a famous one. I want him to be one of the shitty ones that time has forgotten.

And the reason I can write about this is I'm currently in a really good marriage with my wife. I trust my wife won't cheat on me, and especially wouldn't get impregnated and make me think the child was my own, but, uh, I guess if my wife is reading this and was thinking about it, like, don't. Yeah, please don't do that. It would not be cool.

But gun to her head, she has to cheat on me and have a baby or bury me alive. Cheat away, honey. Cheat away.

If WWE Superstars Were Game of Thrones Characters

Two things that I thoroughly enjoy are the fictional worlds of the WWE and Game of Thrones. Now, I have limited GoT cred, as I only watch the TV show and have not read the books (so if you're not through Season 4, you may want to wait on this, as there are some spoilers). Still, I felt that there were a lot of similarities in this world, so I tried to find the doppelganger for some of the most famous characters from each world. I tried my best to stick with current WWE talent, but there are a few examples of Attitude Era stars that seemed to fit way better than any active wrestlers would have in the GoT world. I tried to split the characters up into their families/most important storyline to help with clarity. Without further adieu, here is where WWE Superstars would fit in within the Game of Thrones.

Stephanie McMahon - Daenerys Targaryen
Stephanie fits in as the Khaleesi, because she could become the ruler of the WWE. And there aren't a lot of examples of women being strong and confident without immediately failing in spectacular fashion. Also if she is in that role, it would mean that Vince was the Mad King, and Shane was Viserys Targaryen who thought he was destined to take over, but now has no chance. Shane at least chose to leave where Viserys was killed by having liquid gold poured over his head.

Brock Lesnar - Khol Drogo
Both are giant men that crush everything in their path. They laugh at obstacles, as there is nothing in the world that can stop them except for themselves. Khol Drogo decided to cut himself with a sickle, while Brock Lesnar willingly tattooed a sword on his. Both married blonde divas and lived on all-meat diets. With that being said, it does seem likely that Drogo died from diverticulitis.

The Rock - Daario Naharis
Daario only does two things, but he does them better than anyone else. Fighting and fucking. The Rock can take years off from wrestling and beat anyone, and every one of his interviews will talk about a woman's vagina in some demeaning fashion.

Goldust - Barristan Selmy
Barristan was seen as obsolete by the kingdom, and looking at his age, that would appear to be true. But there was still some gas left in his tank, and he might be doing some of his best work at an advanced age after his supposed prime in the King's Guard. That is basically the same story as Goldust who did some good things in his prime but may be doing his best wrestling in his most recent comeback.

Rusev - Grey Worm
They are both killing machines who are commanded by women.

The Shield - The Three Dragons
Yes, this is slightly outdated with Seth Rollins leaving The Shield, but those three guys are totally the dragons of the WWE. They come in, fuck shit up, leave and think nothing of it. Daenerys thinks that she controls them, much like Triple H thought he controlled The Shield. In reality, they do whatever they want, whenever they want, because they can.

**************************

The Miz - Joffrey Baratheon
The two most punchable faces in the world. There really is nobody that could be more hated than these two. Also, I always thought Miz kind of looked like a serial killer, but he might just secretly beat hookers with medieval weaponry.

Randy Orton - Cersei Lannister
My only intergender comparison. Cersei is the golden child who feels entitled to certain things, because she has always gotten certain things. She's an attractive lady, but she can also be absolutely brutal to people. That sounds a whole lot like the Legend Killer to me.

Triple H - Jaime Lannister
Has all the tools to be great on paper, but will never reach the top of the mountain. Charismatic with a touch of crudeness, each guy seems like they would be likely to be the best, but neither man is. At best, Jamie is the second or third most important member of his family, and Triple H was always only the second or third most important person in WWE. They both have weak body parts, as Jamie lost his hand, and Triple H tears his quad like it's a piece of paper. Also, each is a guy that you want to root against, although at this point, you sometimes wonder what made you hate them so much in the first place. Oh, and while we're talking about H and Jamie...

Chyna - Brienne of Tarth
Yep. This one fits in real nice. Both compete with the men because they would outclass any woman. Fell in love with a blonde, although Jamie Lannister is much more traditionally attractive than HHH. After the romance, they both got stuck with puds, or Pods, to be more accurate...

X-Pac - Podrick Payne
Podrick had a great deal going with Tyrion, but now he is with Brienne where he is not appreciated. It seems very similar to X-Pac being in the nWo, but then having a relationship with Chyna where he got physically assaulted. Also, Podrick is known for his prowess with the ladies, and X-Pac made a sex tape. They're not exactly equal, but they're not unequal either.

William Regal - Tyrion Lannister
Don't get caught up in the size. Instead, Regal is a match with Tyrion because he no longer has the physical gifts, but he has a sharp tongue and can captivate an audience with it. Also, he doesn't dislike bad guys, as he sees talent for what it is. Tyrion Lannister would definitely be a fan of Aiden English.

The Acolyte Protection Agency - Bronn
Bronn is the hired gun for Tyrion, and he saves his life once for money. When it comes to the second time, he already has money and women, so he doesn't save his life. He's a simple man, but you gotta respect that. The APA were simple guys as well, as they would beat up people for money, and if you couldn't offer them anything, they weren't willing to get their hands dirty. It's a simple and effective way of living.

AJ Lee - Shae
So I really hated comparing a diva to a whore, but let's face it, WWE only has three characteristics for women, whore, crazy, and boring, so there were actually a lot of women that could have been put in this spot. I chose AJ as she has a history of being jealous and of getting revenge on the men who have done her wrong. That sounds a lot like Shae, as she harshly turned on poor Tyrion.

Vince McMahon - Tywin Lannister
I know I mentioned him as the Mad King, but that was more in relation to Stephanie, as this is the spot where Vince fits best. He is the man with the money, so he pulls the strings behind the scenes while all gratitude and animosity is delivered to the people that he controls. The stockholders are the iron bank as they are the only ones who can get mad at Vince/Tywin if they aren't getting their money.

Paul Heyman - Varys
Could there be a less sexual person than Paul Heyman? Everything Varys has said could have just as easily been said by Paul Heyman. He tries to creep in the background and work his way up the ladder by attaching to those who he sees being in power. Tywin Lannister is definitely a Paul Heyman guy.

Cesaro - Tommen Baratheon
We really know nothing about the new king except that he wants to be a good king. And if you only watch the main WWE shows, you really have no idea about a personality for Cesaro. Cesaro is the newest King in WWE as he is the King of Swing, and I really felt like I needed to include my favorite wrestler in this post somewhere and couldn't find a great fit.

Summer Rae - Margaery Tyrell
Margarey will do anything to be queen, and Summer just wants to be liked so bad. Either will maneuver behind people's backs to get what they want, but in the end, neither person actually does anything all that awful. They both almost got stuck with bad guys, but now they can both find something better for themselves.

**************************

John Cena - Eddard Stark
There is one big problem with this comparison, and that is John Cena always wins, and Eddard Stark obviously did not fall under that umbrella. Still, they are the virtuous ones who are always doing what is right and fighting for good. Eddard was the King of the North, and John Cena is often World Champ, but each guy can go away from their title and still be the most compelling person in the room. But with Eddard Stark dying early on, isn't that a valuable lesson? John Cena would not survive in the Game of Thrones.

Daniel Bryan - Robb Stark
Everyone questioned his potential to lead an Army. He didn't always make the right decisions, but he worked hard and slowly gained the respect of his people. Finally, when it looked like everything was going in his favor, he and his army were brutally murdered at a wedding. Daniel Bryan worked his way up, finally won the title, got married and shortly thereafter got a neck injury and lost his title.

Renee Young - Arya Stark
Everybody likes Arya as she is a quick witted little scamp. Renee Young is basically the adult version of that.

The Big Show - Sandor Clegane 
The Hound is a large man who has done some bad things in his past, but he was just doing his job. Deep down, he has shown that he actually isn't that bad of a guy. This is similar to The Big Show who occasionally has done some bad things, but he always shows his nice guy side in the end and both have proven to be more gentle giants than giant jerks.

Natalya - Sansa Stark
Both have a "woe is me" attitude, and although they really have not done anything wrong, they are both easy to dislike without any concrete behavioral flaws.

Jerry Lawler - Petyr Baelish
If there was anyone in the WWE who would run a whorehouse, it would definitely be Jerry Lawler. Also, old school Jerry Lawler had the bad guy tendencies that matched Baelish's personality. Also, they both love women who are too pretty for them.

Bo Dallas - Robin Arryn
Both are shocked when anyone doesn't like them. They both have incredible confidence despite not doing much to earn said confidence. Robin got built up by his mother, and Bo Dallas just BO-lieves in himself.

The Great Khali - Hodor
Both huge humans, which would make you think that they could crush the world. When in reality, they are immobile, and nobody can understand what they are trying to say. Hodor gets the slight edge on value since he carries things a lot of the time where a lot of Khali's value is from his singing and dancing.

Dolph Ziggler - Jon Snow
He's one of those guys that everybody seems to root for. They are not impressive physical specimens and were put in terrible situations for no reason. It seems like punishment, but all they do is work their butts off every chance they get. Each one makes everyone around him better, but it will take extraordinary circumstances for either of them to reach true greatness in the general public's eye.

Emma - Ygritte
Ygritte was a wildling lady who could have killed Jon Snow multiple times but froze up and was distracted long enough for it to lead to her downfall. Emma is a very talented wrestler but often gets distracted by her own dance moves and loses because of it.

Sheamus - Tormund Giantsbane
Is this partially because of the red hair? Yeah, definitely, but they are both giants who think they can take on anything. All Tormund needed to do was end his sentences with "fella" and they basically become the exact same person.

**************************

Ric Flair - Robert Baratheon
Robert gained power by being incredible in the battlefield and he rose to being the undisputed top dog in the world. Flair gained power by being the best wrestler in the world. Once they got their power, they enjoyed the finer things in life as they partied hard and drank and fucked everything they could get their hands on. God bless them both.

Bray Wyatt - Stannis Baratheon
Believes he is the rightful king. Does shady things that make him untrustworthy. Battles forces and seems super powerful, but always loses, and then he just tries again with the same plan. Stannis's one great move involved a demon baby, Bray's involved a child with a voice modulator, so the similarities can be quite shocking.

Luke Harper - Davos Seaworth
He is dedicated to Bray Wyatt. Seems like a nice guy. Could use a fresh change of clothes and both are just learning to read.

Eva Marie - Melisandre
Evil redhead lady who has way more power than she deserves. Seems useless from an outsider's perspective, but has shown some savvy in staying relevant so far. Also, Eva Marie had a uterus problem, and Melisandre produced a smoke demon from hers. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

**************************

Kane - Ramsay Bolton
Both are sadistic monsters that have no sympathy for anything or anyone. They are driven by destruction, but deep down both of them have a longing to be loved and accepted for who they are.

Damien Sandow - Theon Greyjoy (Reek)
Theon used to have charisma and confidence, but then he reached for the stars and failed. After that, things spiraled downwards for him, as he has had his junk removed and has been broken mentally. Damien Sandow had charisma and confidence, won Money in the Bank, challenged Cena and lost, and he is now wearing a tan jumpsuit that made him resemble a eunuch.

**************************

Mark Henry - Gregor Clegane
Everybody thought The Mountain was unbeatable, and he was also kind of ruthless as he burned his brother's face when they were children. That sounds a whole lot like Dog got inducted into the Hall of Pain. Also, Mark Henry is the World's Strongest Man which seems like a title that Gregor probably could have had if he wanted to prove it. In the end, these people are both undone by guys who are quicker than them. Also, just as you should not waste time trying to get The Mountain to confess something, you should probably steer clear when Mark Henry says he is retiring, as they both seem to gain super strength in those situations.

CM Punk - Oberyn Martell
Oberyn is somebody who is only happy when he is doing what he wants. He didn't have to get involved with Tyrion, but he wanted revenge on the Lannisters. He could have killed The Mountain but killing wasn't good enough; he had to get that confession first, and that is why his head exploded. Although CM Punk didn't meet quite as grisly of a fate, all of these same things could be said about him. He wanted to do what he wanted to do, and when he didn't get exactly what he wanted, he proved to be the cause of his own undoing.

I know that doesn't cover everyone, as there were people from GoT and WWE that I wished I could have worked in. Still, it gives a good starting point, and it has the potential to inspire a ton of great fan fiction which is what the internet is all about.

How the WWE Network Could Change Television Forever

The WWE announced last night that it would be starting a streaming service for $9.99 a month. With it, they are creating exclusive content and make it possible for fans to stream a huge variety of content from the past. The biggest news about the service is that it will also stream all of WWE's PPVs. Since a PPV runs about $50 these days, a fan who buys two PPVs is nearly at the break even point, and a fan who purchases three would be crazy not to sign up for the service.

It makes a ton of sense for the WWE. Instead of sharing profits with the cable company, WWE takes home everything. Yes, there's more overhead, but I'm someone who has not bought a PPV in a while, but will strongly consider this package as it makes a lot of sense. I believe there are a lot of fans who pick and choose PPVs, especially those who only care about WrestleMania, Royal Rumble, and maybe SummerSlam or Money in the Bank. Even if they are only getting those first two, it makes sense to purchase this service.

WWE is consistently ahead of the curve when it comes to utilizing technology, and I can definitely see others following their lead in the future. The first company that comes to mind is the UFC. These are very similar companies in that they both have monthly PPVs with a fan base that will pick and choose depending on how the main events look. The UFC recently introduced an on-demand service for classic fights which is one large part of what the WWE service looks like. However, it seems like the current service only appeals to hardcore fans. They would get a huge uptick in sales if they were willing to add in the PPVs with the service. They could also up the cost of the service to make it more financially appealing, but I do think this business model has potential.

Finally, I may sound ignorant on this last part, as I am not sure how the money is split between production companies and cable providers, but on demand movies is another place where this could be an option. Instead of paying $6 a movie, a $15-$20 service that included all new movies may be financially viable to increase revenue.

If those options all follow the WWE's lead, what is PPV left with? Boxing and pornography. The porn numbers have to be down with how easy it is to stream pornography from a variety of websites. And boxing has 1-2 fights a year that actually get mainstream press coverage. I don't know how or why the PPV model exists at that point. It's something that appeals to a niche audience, and that niche may be shrinking by quite a bit.

Although I think it is a far ways down the road, this may also be the end of cable companies bundling channels. People are getting more and more comfortable with technology, and with smart TVs, it will be very easy to use your big screen TV as an internet device without having to plug in a computer. Why not just pick and choose what you want. Sure, you may pay a premium to have that option, but by not paying for hundreds of channels you never watch, many people would still come out ahead. Outside of channels that show sports, the only channels that I really need off the top of my head are FXX and Comedy Central. I'm sure there are plenty of people who have similar tastes.

Even though the WWE only appeals to a small part of the population, this was actually very big news for anyone who watches television as it cold have a domino effect that changes the way everyone consumes television.

I Will Sell Out For A $40 Value

All great artists dream of making it big.  Many of them even dream of the day when someone asks them to change their art to make it more commercially viable.  They dream of telling them no as they are true to their art.  I am not one of these people; that is why I love flat panel TV stands.  Let me explain.

The other day I received an e-mail from CSN which basically stated that they loved my blog (can't blame them for that), and they wanted to see if I would be interested in a partnership with their company.  They recommended that I give away something on my site, so you, the readers could enjoy something from CSN.  They said if I didn't think that would be a good idea, they could let me use a product and do a review for it.  Since I would much rather have free stuff than let you scumbags (And I say that in the nicest way possible) get something for free just for enjoying the most awesome blog on the planet.

So I told him that I thought that option two, where I get the free stuff, would work much better for my website.  So now they are going to give me a $40 gift certificate as long as I put the flat panel TV stands as my one and only link in the piece.  This means that I have $40 to use on home decor.  As most of you know, home decor is far from my passion.  I am hoping they have something that can spice up my air mattress for when I pull chicks back to my place, but I'll probably settle for a lamp.

Now I have to send him this link to let him know that yes, I did show off those awesome flat panel TV stands.  Note to all companies out there, I am more than willing to sell out with my writing.  And if my friends at Lamborghini are reading this, a free car might just earn you a full week of posts.  I'm not sayin' I'm just sayin'.

-Joe

P.S.  It's my Mom's birthday, and she turns 29 today.  She turned 29 last year too, not sure how that's possible, but it's her birthday, so I'm not going to argue.  Anyway, happy birthday Mom.

It's The Shit: Three Keys to a Successful Poop

Sorry Michael Jordan and Sam Perkins.  Today, We're Talking About Number Two.

 

Although I am a very spry 26 years young; I am wise beyond my years.  That is why I know the ins and outs of something that people overlook yet do at least once a day (twice a day for me since I have a healthy amount of fiber in my diet).  Yes, pooping.  It has a lot of gross connotations, but it's something natural, and as you'll find out, if done properly, it can be a beautiful experience.  Here are the keys to turning your experience from shitty to asstastic.

1.  Location -  Now most people would have you believe that going home is clearly the best possible location to take care of your business.  These are obviously simpletons who can't see the big picture.  Does your home have some advantages?  Of course it does, familiarity will always have value when you are feeling vulnerable.  But for those who are bold, that live their life a quarter mile at a time, there is a far better location to drop a deuce.  That place is work.  Think about this:  When you poop during work, you are getting paid to poop.  Paid to poop?  God Bless America.  So sit back, relax, and count that scrilla, because it's always best to take care of your business during business hours.

2.  Amenities - This is a huge mistake that most people make when taking a dump.  They go to the bathroom empty handed.  When I took care of my business at work, I made no secret about it.  I would stroll through the office with a book in my hand and my iPod bumping tunes in my ears as I headed to the private toilet of the visiting coaching staff (yes, Ryne Sandberg and I have used the same shitter).  I was not ashamed of what I was doing, and I knew that amenities can help take your poop to the next level.  Why sit there, drop waste, while your life wastes away when you can seize the day?  I seized it real good.  I would jam out to my favorite tunes and knock out a chapter of whatever book I was reading at the time.  A few years ago, I remember returning home for the first time in months and being ecstatic at my Dad's latest construction project.  He had mounted a TV by the toilet so you'd never have to miss a moment of your favorite show or sporting event while you went to the can.  That's great hustle right there.  So, whatever your vice is, whether it's music, books, or TV, bring it with you when you doodoo.  But I must warn everyone, your ass will occasionally go numb if you sit there too long.  It's a small price to pay when you pimp your poop.

3.  Toilet Paper - Somehow a necessity for number two is often overlooked, but do not underestimate its importance.  Good toilet paper is like oral sex.  Sure, at first, any toilet paper will do, you're just happy to have it there.  But then you use Charmin Ultra, and it is a whole new experience.  You honestly sit there and hope that it never ends, maybe even using techniques to prolong the experience.  After that, well, the rough toilet paper just doesn't do it for you anymore.  You go from appreciating it to loathing it.  When I see that economy sized, thin and rough, sorry excuse for toilet paper, I swallow hard, and yes, I use it, but something that should be pleasant can actually be painful.  It's terrible that something that should feel so right can go so wrong.  So remember, soft and gentle is much better than rough and teethy.

So make sure that your pooping experience is the shit; otherwise, you're just a piece of it.

-Joe

P.S.  I'm sure some of you nerds were probably out drinking on Saturday night.  Me?  Hell no, I was watching fights, football, and most importantly, the Bulls/Rockets game.  For those that didn't see it, here is the end of regulation from that game:

And yes, the Bulls won in overtime.  Derrick Rose is really good at basketball.