My Greatest Accomplishment

I have accomplished many things in my lifetime. Much like Jesus, my 33 years on this Earth have been filled with momentous occasions and legendary tales. Unlike Jesus, very few of mine have had a positive impact on the world as a whole, but the similarities are definitely there. Recently, I had a life milestone that will truly go down as my greatest accomplishment in this world. They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. In this case, 1,000 doesn't do it justice.

My picture is pathetic, but trust me, it's a pretty sweet setup.

I have an outdoor TV that I can see from my pool. In Florida, having a pool really isn't that big of a deal. I think half the people in my neighborhood have one, because it makes way more sense to have a pool down in Florida since we have the temperatures to take advantage of it. But to Little Joey growing up in Iowa? A pool was a dream I could barely fathom. A pool meant that you were a baller.

And now, on top of a pool, I have a flat screen TV that I can watch while chillaxin' in the pool. That is some next level shit. Little Joe-Joe couldn't even fathom having a television by the pool, much less a flat screen, because that only existed in science fiction. To this day, I still don't understand how it's possible for flat screen TVs to work.

With this setup, I can watch old episodes of WCW Nitro while enjoying the beautiful fall weather in Florida. In fact, it also works during winter and spring. And then during the summertime, I can do it while in the dang pool. If Cribs was still a show, I would probably have my own episode. Kanye West wishes he had this. Jay-Z could only dream of my situation. LL Cool J (literally the only other rapper I could think of) can't even fathom my swagger.

Anyway, I just really wanted to brag that I set up a TV outside, and I waited a couple months to make sure that my TV mount didn't fall (it survived the hurricane, so I think I'm good). Thank you for your time.

Please Pay Me To Go To Las Vegas Clubs

I read an article in GQ last week about celebrities getting paid to show up at clubs. I use the term celebrity very loosely as the article focused on a Kardashian dude that isn't even a Kardashian, he just married into the Kardashians. But anyway, these celebrities people literally just show up, hang out for an hour or two and leave with a five figure paycheck.

I could totally do that. I not only know how to hang out and chill, but I'm exceptional at it. Like, as I write this, I'm just hanging out with my dog, watching a Pittsburgh Pirates game. My wife is out of town, which just shows that even without her to keep me in line, I have the initiative to hang out and chill.

When these people go out for these appearances, some of them just sip on water and refuse to drink any of the free alcohol. Well guess what my favorite type of alcohol is? That's right, the free kind. Also, they just stay in their private booth and occasionally nod at the crowd. As a man of the people, I would be out on the dance floor, West Coast Dancing my ass off and entertaining the goons while making all the ladies swoon.

What's that you say, Las Vegas Club Promoter? You're kind of full with your nightclub entertainment right now. Well, that's actually perfect, because boy do I have an idea for you. You see, I'm an old man. I don't like being out late all that much, but if given proper naps, I could do it for the people. My real time to shine is during daylight. So how about we bring the celebrity game to the outdoor bars with the lazy pools? You post up Hott Joe in his own private cabana, give me a keg of Natural Light, a grill, and some meats, and I will put on a damn show. I'll be drinking, eating, and topless, probably doing some sick dance moves on top of it all. I will make the party go from fun to fun squared (Fun X Fun = More Fun).

You see, by being a common man who lives the dream, I make it seem attainable for all those schmucks. And all they have to do to attain that dream? Just let loose and take a gamble. What better place to take that gamble than the high-rolling Craps tables.

As you can see, I understand the business. I'm not just here to take your money, I'm here to make you money. Please feel free to inquire on my booking fees on Twitter @HottJoe or by email. I look forward to our future business relationship.

Vince McMahon Has The Worst Sense of Humor

Vince McMahon is a legendary businessman, and a true visionary when it comes to the world of pro wrestling. Even if you hate pro wrestling, you have to respect him for what he has been able to accomplish. If summing up the pros and cons of Vince McMahon, the pros would far outweigh the cons. That being said, I know that if I ever met Vince McMahon, I would totally hate him. The reason I know this is that you can tell a lot about somebody by looking at their sense of humor, and Vince McMahon has the worst sense of humor in the world.

5. Vince McMahon Loves Impersonators
Now, I don't even need to get into all the times that Vince tried to legitimately use impersonators to move forward wrestling angles. There was Fake Undertaker, and more egregiously, Fake Diesel and Fake Razor Ramon. Those weren't meant for humor; sadly, they were supposed to be taken seriously. The first time that this became blatantly obvious is when a President Clinton impostor made an appearance at WrestleMania 10. The guy didn't even do a decent impression of Clinton, but he had the wig, so I guess that counts.

Still, the worst example is when he introduced Billionaire Ted and his two big starts, Huckster and Nacho Man. When looking back at this, I had totally forgotten about Scheme Gene. Here's a video. It's really awful.

I guarantee Vince loved every second of it. The only funny thing about this angle was that Vince prominently featured Razor Ramon and Diesel in videos to show the differences in the "New Generation." Both would leave the WWE a few months later and start the greatest faction in the history of professional wrestling.

4. Vince McMahon Loves to Disgust People
A lot of the key to comedy is being willing to embrace taboo. McMahon likes to take things to their extreme. Hence, he had Mark Henry impregnate Mae Young, a woman in her 80s. She gave birth to a fake hand. I really don't want to go any further into that except to say that I can guarantee Vince still laughs about this every time it crosses his mind.

And then there was Katie Vick. I have written a lot about Katie Vick, because it was one of the most amazing wrestling angles of all time. But it wasn't amazing in that it was well done or even comedically strong in any way. It is just still amazing that it was put on a television show at all. It was objectively awful, but it is wrestling's version of Andrew Dice Clay; it's not good, but it's still good to laugh at. I would guess that McMahon has already requested that this angle be mentioned in his obituary.

3. The Kiss My Ass Club
Vince McMahon is the man who created the "Kiss My Ass Club" which is brilliant if you are 12, but really sad from a 60 year-old. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't tattoo the names of the members of the club on his taint.

2. Vince McMahon Loves Throwing People in the Pool
This was probably the most interesting thing that came out of the Stone Cold Steve Austin podcast with Vince McMahon. Vince McMahon loves throwing people in the pool. And not like a normal love, but a love so pure that he would leave his wife for it. He was fairly serious through the entire interview, but when he got to talk about throwing people in the pool, his entire demeanor changed, as if the mere thought of throwing someone in the pool put him in his happy place. I have only seen a billionaire light up while talking like that in one other circumstance. It is when I worked for the Seattle SuperSonics and Clay Bennett talked with us about the possibility of moving to Oklahoma City. The man was trying to stay subdued, but he did a terrible job, because that motherfucker lit up when talking about OKC. He spoke of it as it was some sort of mystical promised land. So basically what I'm saying is that billionaires are weirdos.

1. There Is Nothing Vince McMahon Loves More Than Fat People
Vince has always been obsessed with appearance, and honestly, that makes sense. Children are a huge part of his audience, and big muscles are an automatic sell to kids. But Vince would go out of his way to bury fat people. What kind of ceiling does a guy with the name Bastion Booger really have? Fat guys were not meant to be contenders, they were meant to be laughed at.

But this pales in comparison to how he treated overweight women. If you were a big girl, you were instantly a heel. The heel announcers would praise them for their beauty, but Vince couldn't even hide his disdain for how disgusting he found them. In Vince's mind, if you were not attractive, you shouldn't be cheered.

And even though the female wrestlers were treated poorly, it pales in comparison to the first days of Raw. McMahon had Raw Girls who would strut around the ring with signs that often had sexual innuendos using the word Raw. Most of them were very fit women that you would see as a ring card girl at a boxing event. But McMahon would throw the audience for a loop and throw a fat girl in there with "hilarious" results. It is the very definition of sophomoric humor, but there was nothing McMahon loved more than having someone make out with one of the overweight ladies. I take that back, there was one thing that McMahon loved more, and that was making people think a wrestler would make out with them, only for them to demean them in some way, like Mr. Perfect throwing his chewed gum in one woman's mouth and having her happily chew away afterwards.

McMahon deserves credit where credit is due. He is not only the best mind in the history of professional wrestling, he is a true business visionary who worked hard and found incredible success, even when the deck was sometimes stacked against him.

That being said, Vince McMahon has the worst sense of humor ever, and I would never want to spend more than five minutes with him.