The Least Party Boy To Ever Visit Key West

Key West, Florida is a place that many consider to be the closest thing to Paradise in the United States. An island with beautiful weather where people hang loose and party hard. Over Thanksgiving, I visited Key West, and I totally get why people enjoy it so much. But at the same time, I learned that I am officially the least party boy to ever visit Key West.

And I did give it a try. When we got in town, after eight hours of driving, we went out to one of two breweries in Key West. I have to say it was a little too nice, and the beer was just fine. This was followed by a Cabaret Show. Although I wouldn't say I was excited by it, I was at least intrigued by it. Now, I didn't really get many details for the show, so I assumed it was going to be a raunchy show full of transvestites. Instead, it was just one transvestite who was paying homage to his lady heroes. I found out that I don't know jack shit about gay icons. I couldn't tell you a single thing that Liza Minnelli or Bette Midler has done, and I'm not sure if I could name three combined songs between Cher and Reba McEntire. I couldn't even spell Minnelli or McEntire without looking it up. So, yeah, it was just a transvestite doing impressions of these ladies and making crude jokes for easy laughs. It was fine, but I was hoping to have my traditional Iowa values assaulted, and this fell well short of that.

Oh, there was also a two-drink minimum, so I started off with an old fashioned, because I am a pretentious prick. Well, they showed me, because they put club soda in it, and it tasted awful. I decided to go for a water for my second drink, which they luckily did not screw up.

The next day I hung outside all day, alternating between getting sun, and hopping in the ocean and pool. We then went out to the Elks Lodge, which was probably my favorite bar of my entire time being there. They had $2 beers and $3 select mixed drinks. One of those drinks just so happened to be a White Russian, which I probably haven't had for a decade. It was more hilarious than good, but it was still enjoyable.

We went to grab dinner at Garbo's, and I would highly recommend that as I had a fish burrito that made my mouth burn with delight. It had a great kick to it. We then went to Key West's second brewery, and they had a total of three beer options; it was fine. We went to another bar where I sat there, listened to some live music, and waited for my wife to give me the go-ahead to go home. I was back by 10:30, and I would have been fine had that been two hours earlier.

It turns out that had I stayed out later, I could have watched Gravy Wrestling. Although I was slightly bummed at first, as I started to imagine the people who would willingly wrestle in gravy the night before Thanksgiving, I realized that I likely didn't miss out on anything.

On Thanksgiving, I was offered a Colorado candy bar, so that was cool. At this age, I'm too much of a square to actually partake in that, but at least I had the opportunity.

Honestly, my highlight was on Friday when I ditched everyone to go Fort Zachary Taylor State Park. Not only did I get to see a cool old fort from the 1800s, but they also had a really nice beach. It was a totally relaxing day and well worth the $2.50 admission. I also went to a free aquatic museum and watched a 3D video of fishees swimming around. It was awesome.

So, yeah, I went to the party capital of the USA, and my highlight was going to a state park and a museum. I am officially The Least Party Boy to Ever Visit Key West.

I Had a Blast in Vegas...I Hope I Never Go Again

So after the fiasco of Iowa laying an egg at the Rose Bowl, there was only one thing to do change my luck: Drive four hours to Vegas. You're not going to believe this, but it didn't work. But that doesn't mean that I still wasn't able to make the most out of it.

The four hour drive was fairly miserable, mostly because my friends listened to country music the entire way, and now that I'm not a stupid high schooler, country music is complete garbage and should not be listened to by adults. But then I got there and started drinking, and that is the most reliable way to feel better. Oh, another really nice thing was when we were able to get in our hotel room, as a shower probably helped even more than the Bud Lights (judge me if you must, Natural Light wasn't available).

After I got cleaned up, it was basically time to go check out UFC 195 as our buddy, Tony Sims, was going to be fighting on the card that night. Although there were about 15 of us going, only three other guys wanted to go early with me. We walked in and went to our seats, which were of course nosebleeds. I quickly decided that these simply would not do, so we moved down to the third row into some empty seats. It is a way more baller way to watch fights.

We got to stay in those seats until the final three fights, which was bittersweet, as they were great seats, but it unfortunately gave us a great view of seeing our buddy get caught in a guillotine. After we got kicked out of our seats, we had to move up 25 rows, but we still had a great view of seeing a first round knockout by Stipe Miocic, and then one of the best fights in UFC history between Robbie Lawler and Carlos Condit. That fifth round was one of the craziest things I have ever seen, as I was literally jumping around and started hugging strangers when it was over, because none of us could believe what we had just seen.

Props to Tony for keeping his sense of humor and meeting up with everybody at a bar called Losers at Mandalay Bay. The unfortunate part was that it was a country bar, but at least there were two single, Australian women for a half dozen guys to hit on and be denied by. It really hammers home one of the best parts of being married is never having to hit on women. This was evident as the women asked me if I was married, and I said yes, ending any possibility of seducing them or them seducing me. Still, in my mind, I can assume that I dashed their hopes of hooking up with a Bonafide American Stud, even though they were likely just making small talk.

Luckily, I had two buddies that were tired of a place called Losers with overpriced drinks and wanted to go to the club where Tony had a VIP table. Even if he wasn't going, there was no reason we couldn't go and enjoy some free booze and scantily clad ladies in cages. When we got there, it was really fun, but that was simply because of the free alcohol. Like, you could have given me free booze in a dive bar with convicts, and I could have at least as much fun. At 31 years-old, I am not a club guy. Still, I did start to get down, had one girl who thought she could get down better than me, and then I proceeded to twerk her right off the stage. She was obviously impressed with the power of my dance moves, and also that I was dedicated enough to harm a girl with said dance moves.

Outside of the booze and booty shaking, my highlight was having a conversation with a guy who looked like the bad guy from Daredevil; he knew all of the girls that worked there, so I'm going to assume that he was an evil mastermind, and I was a pawn in his plan to take over the world.

After that, my buddy played some Craps, and I took advantage of more free drinks. After that, we headed back to the hotel, ran into people at McDonalds and took down some sausage burritos for sustenance. I usually hate McDonalds, but them having Sausage Burritos at any time can be really clutch when you are drunk and just need something that will help you not feel like shit the following morning. Bless you, Sausage Burritos.

It was 4:30 AM when we got back to the room and passed out. Then I woke up at 6:00 AM to catch my flight. Shockingly, I did not particularly enjoy my cross country flight back to Florida, especially since my body has decided that that I will never be able to sleep on an airplane.

This was by far my most positive Vegas experience. I had a great time, and I still felt a little empty when it was all said and done. Although free drinks are one of my favorite things in this world, gambling and glamour just don't do it for me. I can make the best of any situation, but Vegas is at the absolute bottom of places I want to see again.

I wish my friends would give me an excuse to go to Austin.