The Least Party Boy To Ever Visit Key West

Key West, Florida is a place that many consider to be the closest thing to Paradise in the United States. An island with beautiful weather where people hang loose and party hard. Over Thanksgiving, I visited Key West, and I totally get why people enjoy it so much. But at the same time, I learned that I am officially the least party boy to ever visit Key West.

And I did give it a try. When we got in town, after eight hours of driving, we went out to one of two breweries in Key West. I have to say it was a little too nice, and the beer was just fine. This was followed by a Cabaret Show. Although I wouldn't say I was excited by it, I was at least intrigued by it. Now, I didn't really get many details for the show, so I assumed it was going to be a raunchy show full of transvestites. Instead, it was just one transvestite who was paying homage to his lady heroes. I found out that I don't know jack shit about gay icons. I couldn't tell you a single thing that Liza Minnelli or Bette Midler has done, and I'm not sure if I could name three combined songs between Cher and Reba McEntire. I couldn't even spell Minnelli or McEntire without looking it up. So, yeah, it was just a transvestite doing impressions of these ladies and making crude jokes for easy laughs. It was fine, but I was hoping to have my traditional Iowa values assaulted, and this fell well short of that.

Oh, there was also a two-drink minimum, so I started off with an old fashioned, because I am a pretentious prick. Well, they showed me, because they put club soda in it, and it tasted awful. I decided to go for a water for my second drink, which they luckily did not screw up.

The next day I hung outside all day, alternating between getting sun, and hopping in the ocean and pool. We then went out to the Elks Lodge, which was probably my favorite bar of my entire time being there. They had $2 beers and $3 select mixed drinks. One of those drinks just so happened to be a White Russian, which I probably haven't had for a decade. It was more hilarious than good, but it was still enjoyable.

We went to grab dinner at Garbo's, and I would highly recommend that as I had a fish burrito that made my mouth burn with delight. It had a great kick to it. We then went to Key West's second brewery, and they had a total of three beer options; it was fine. We went to another bar where I sat there, listened to some live music, and waited for my wife to give me the go-ahead to go home. I was back by 10:30, and I would have been fine had that been two hours earlier.

It turns out that had I stayed out later, I could have watched Gravy Wrestling. Although I was slightly bummed at first, as I started to imagine the people who would willingly wrestle in gravy the night before Thanksgiving, I realized that I likely didn't miss out on anything.

On Thanksgiving, I was offered a Colorado candy bar, so that was cool. At this age, I'm too much of a square to actually partake in that, but at least I had the opportunity.

Honestly, my highlight was on Friday when I ditched everyone to go Fort Zachary Taylor State Park. Not only did I get to see a cool old fort from the 1800s, but they also had a really nice beach. It was a totally relaxing day and well worth the $2.50 admission. I also went to a free aquatic museum and watched a 3D video of fishees swimming around. It was awesome.

So, yeah, I went to the party capital of the USA, and my highlight was going to a state park and a museum. I am officially The Least Party Boy to Ever Visit Key West.

The West Texas Rednecks Are The Greatest Country Music Act In History

As a native Iowan, I know a lot about country music. I can name double-digit country music recording artists off the top of my head. Don't believe me? Alan Jackson, Garth Brooks, uh Toby Keith...and seven others that I will not list since I don't want to dignify your hypothetical question. But yeah, I know A LOT about country music. You probably thought I named all of the country musicians, but I left one very important group off that list, and that is the greatest country music act in history, The West Texas Rednecks.

The West Texas Rednecks came together during the summer of 1999, and they immediately set the world on fire with their debut hit, "I Hate Rap."

It still holds up as possibly the greatest song in country music history. What many people may not know is that the West Texas Rednecks were actually professional wrestlers who just created chart-topping country music hits on the side. In fact, they came up with this song so they could feud with Master P and the No Limit Soldiers, but in their first try at creating music, they did something better than Master P had ever come close to in his entire career. If I know anything about the south, it is their love of hip hop culture, but even in rapping hotbeds like Alabama, Mississippi, and Florida, people could not get enough of this country music. Finally, even southerners could enjoy country music.

But the West Texas Rednecks did not just rest on their laurels with the success of "I Hate Rap." They went out and created a tune nearly as good with their second single, "Good Ol' Boys."

Pretty bold move by these guys to make a song with the same name as the theme from the Dukes of Hazzard, but that just shows you the confidence that these guys had in themselves as musicians.

They got a bit more of a budget in this video as this is pretty impressive technology for 1999.

But they still knew that it was all about the music. Some artists would have played it safe and gone with something similar to their first success. Sure, they could have written Funk is Bunk or Rhymes Are Crimes, but they evolved as artists with "Good Ol' Boys," even using a female vocalist for the refrain.

The most important thing is that they also got edgy in their lyrics. If you think crap was on the borderline of decency, well, they really pushed the envelope on this one.

We got an old hound dog and a pickup truck
We like the long-legged country girls who know how to...

Before I go on to that final word, let me think of something that I would like a country girl to know how to do. Oh, and it should also rhyme with truck. Could it be puck, and they have a weird obsession with hockey? Probably not. Tuck - I mean it is possible that they want to be tucked in for bedtime. Ugh, this is tough, Buck doesn't quite work. Cuck seems incredibly weird and a little too progressive for country music. Duck would help if they were on a dodgeball team. Fu...oh yeah, that's definitely it.

And it would have been, but they instead went with Love, which doesn't even rhyme and just shows you what they were really thinking. They say this line a second time and even drag out the pause to really let you know what they like to do with country girls.

Unfortunately, the band members went their separate ways shortly after their second hit and never recorded another song again. If their goal was to conquer country music, it's tough to blame them after they clearly achieved that goal. It doesn't matter whether they did it with talent or did it with luck; they were on the prowl to find those country girls who know how to...love.

Two songs, two number one hits. Nobody in music history can match that. You might call it great; I'd call it Perfect.