The 45 Most Important Players to the Chicago Bulls Dynasty - #1 Michael Jordan

Michael Jordan
And so we've come to the end of the road. Surprise, surprise, Michael Jordan made the top spot of the most important players to the Chicago Bulls dynasty. Here's the problem with Michael Jordan: What can I say about Michael Jordan that hasn't been said at least a thousand times before? Everybody already knows how good Michael Jordan was. Most consider him the greatest ever, so breaking down his stats is a waste of everyone's time. Luckily, I'm smart enough to know that my words in this scenario are overrated, so let's consult YouTube and look at some of his greatest career highlights.

Since Jordan was known for his high flying ways, let's start off by looking at his five best dunks. That seems a little broad, so instead of just going with overall dunks, let's only focus on the five best occasions of Michael Jordan dunking on very good NBA player, Armen Gilliam.

My favorite thing, outside of the fact that somebody made a cut up just to shame Armen Gilliam, is that Michael Jordan not only has five AMAZING dunks on Gilliam, but he did it while Gilliam played for three separate teams. It's like Jordan looked forward to the schedule to see when he could punk out poor Gilliam, and that 100% seems like something Michael Jordan would do.

MJ was known for his insane competitiveness as no matter what was at stake, he simply refused to lose. And this may be the greatest embodiment of that as Chris Paul said that if Michael Jordan missed three of six shots, every kid at the basketball camp would get a free pair of Air Jordans.
Of course, Michael Jordan couldn't miss three shots, or two shots, or even a single of the six shots he took, because he's Michael Jordan, and he has to win. My favorite part of the video is that in the cut up you can hear the kids get more and more depressed as he keeps hitting shots. The man is ruthless. After Jordan made all six shots, Chris Paul gave them a second chance to give out the shoes if he could make all six shots, but he missed his third attempt. MJ's got to keep them profit margins on point.

As you can see, Michael Jordan is an over-competitive assho...uh, jerk. That's what made him great. But he also had a softer side as he could be charming and fun to be around when he wanted to be as shown in the below video where he throws a football 65 yards, but the best part is him interacting with kids.

Some kid says that he heard that Michael Jordan threw three no hitters when he was a kid, and Jordan's response is pretty great, "I did? Where'd you find that out; I think they asked my father that. He kinda lied. That's okay. It's in the book. It's record now." Also, let's ignore the fact that if those kids were Michael Jordan's neighbors, they are probably hedge fund managers now and likely horrific scumbags.

Finally, let's wrap things up with a couple of MJ's endorsements. First, Gatorade, where one of the most memorable jingles of all time was established, as everybody wanted to be "Like Mike."

I cannot help but smile when I watch that commercial.

And one last commercial, where Michael Jordan and Larry Bird compete for $4 worth of fast food.
Word has it that they made all of these shots on the first try, but sorry Larry, there's no way you were getting Michael's Big Mac. When you actually consider it, is it fair to say Michael Jordan is the greatest commercial actor in history? It's tough to think of anybody who can match up with him. But that's just a part of his story. The bigger part of the story is that he is greatest basketball player of all time, and that is why he was a no-brainer for the greatest Chicago Bull of their 1990s dynasty.

All Previous Entries:

#45 - Jack Haley

#44 - Rory Sparrow

#43 - Chuck Nevitt

#42 - David Vaughn

#41 - Jo Jo English

#40 - Ricky Blanton

#39 - Matt Steigenga

#38 - Joe Courtney

#37 - Keith Booth

#36 - Mark Randall

#35 - Ed Nealy

#34 - Rusty LaRue

#33 - Corey Williams

#32 - Joe Kleine

#31 - John Salley

#30 - James Edwards

#29 - Robert Parish

#28 - Darrell Walker

#27 - Rodney McCray

#26 - Dennis Hopson

#25 - Trent Tucker

#24 - Dickey Simpkins

#23 - Bobby Hansen

#22 - Scott Burrell

#21 - Bison Dele

#20 - Craig Hodges

#19 - Jud Buechler

#18 - Randy Brown

#17 - Cliff Levingston

#16 - Stacey King

#15 - Jason Caffey

#14 - Bill Wennington

#13 - Will Perdue

#12 - Scott Williams

#11 - Steve Kerr

#10 - BJ Armstrong

#9 - Luc Longley

#8 - John Paxson 

#7 - Bill Cartwright

#6 - Toni Kukoc

#5 - Ron Harper

#4 - Dennis Rodman

#3 - Horace Grant 

#2 - Scottie Pippen

The 45 Most Important Players to the Chicago Bulls Dynasty - #14 Bill Wennington

Bill Wennington
William Percy Wennington was drafted 16th overall in the 1985 NBA Draft by the Dallas Mavericks. He spent the majority of his first five years sitting on the bench as he was never able to make an impact in Dallas. The Mavericks traded him to the Sacramento Kings before the 1990-91 season where Wennington received his most playing time, even starting 23 games for the Kings. Still, this was not enough to impress NBA teams as he would spend the following two seasons playing in Italy.

Before the beginning of the 1993-94 season, Wennington would sign on with the Bulls. Not exactly an ideal time to be joining the Bulls as they just had some guy named Michael Jordan retire to play baseball. Even though he was still a backup, Wennington would see his greatest success playing in Chicago.

Because of that, the Bulls kept him around for six seasons, as he saw three eras of Bulls teams during his time, the between Jordans, the second threepeat, and the first year of the awful rebuild.

During the three championship years, he would be the primary backup for Luc Longley, although he would start 47 games during this stretch in place of the oft-injured Australian. Although he played in nearly every game of the 1996 and 1998 NBA Playoffs, he missed the entire 1997 playoffs after re-injuring a tendon in his left foot. His most impressive playoff performance was in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals against the Indiana Pacers. In 15 minutes, he put up 8 points, 3 rebounds, and 6 fouls, as he just had a grand ol' time blasting fools during limited playing time.

Despite the good times, it was also a tough time financially for Wennington. Things became so bleak that Wennington got a part-time job at McDonalds (McDonalds took this commercial down for copyright infringement, meaning I will be boycotting McDonalds until they put the commercial back up or stop making diarrhea inducing food, one or the other).


After retiring, he now spends his time doing radio broadcasts and media for the Chicago Bulls. He also spent his time challenging Baby Bulls players to a game of PIG.

It was probably not a great sign that the second overall pick got dominated by the retired Wennington. To be fair, Wennington was also a Hall of Famer as in 2015, he was inducted into the (Canadian) Basketball Hall of Fame.

I could not find any information on whether he kept his job at McDonalds.

Previous Entries:

#45 - Jack Haley

#44 - Rory Sparrow

#43 - Chuck Nevitt

#42 - David Vaughn

#41 - Jo Jo English

#40 - Ricky Blanton

#39 - Matt Steigenga

#38 - Joe Courtney

#37 - Keith Booth

#36 - Mark Randall

#35 - Ed Nealy

#34 - Rusty LaRue

#33 - Corey Williams

#32 - Joe Kleine

#31 - John Salley

#30 - James Edwards

#29 - Robert Parish

#28 - Darrell Walker

#27 - Rodney McCray

#26 - Dennis Hopson

#25 - Trent Tucker

#24 - Dickey Simpkins

#23 - Bobby Hansen

#22 - Scott Burrell

#21 - Bison Dele

#20 - Craig Hodges

#19 - Jud Buechler

#18 - Randy Brown

#17 - Cliff Levingston

#16 - Stacey King

#15 - Jason Caffey

I Had a Blast in Vegas...I Hope I Never Go Again

So after the fiasco of Iowa laying an egg at the Rose Bowl, there was only one thing to do change my luck: Drive four hours to Vegas. You're not going to believe this, but it didn't work. But that doesn't mean that I still wasn't able to make the most out of it.

The four hour drive was fairly miserable, mostly because my friends listened to country music the entire way, and now that I'm not a stupid high schooler, country music is complete garbage and should not be listened to by adults. But then I got there and started drinking, and that is the most reliable way to feel better. Oh, another really nice thing was when we were able to get in our hotel room, as a shower probably helped even more than the Bud Lights (judge me if you must, Natural Light wasn't available).

After I got cleaned up, it was basically time to go check out UFC 195 as our buddy, Tony Sims, was going to be fighting on the card that night. Although there were about 15 of us going, only three other guys wanted to go early with me. We walked in and went to our seats, which were of course nosebleeds. I quickly decided that these simply would not do, so we moved down to the third row into some empty seats. It is a way more baller way to watch fights.

We got to stay in those seats until the final three fights, which was bittersweet, as they were great seats, but it unfortunately gave us a great view of seeing our buddy get caught in a guillotine. After we got kicked out of our seats, we had to move up 25 rows, but we still had a great view of seeing a first round knockout by Stipe Miocic, and then one of the best fights in UFC history between Robbie Lawler and Carlos Condit. That fifth round was one of the craziest things I have ever seen, as I was literally jumping around and started hugging strangers when it was over, because none of us could believe what we had just seen.

Props to Tony for keeping his sense of humor and meeting up with everybody at a bar called Losers at Mandalay Bay. The unfortunate part was that it was a country bar, but at least there were two single, Australian women for a half dozen guys to hit on and be denied by. It really hammers home one of the best parts of being married is never having to hit on women. This was evident as the women asked me if I was married, and I said yes, ending any possibility of seducing them or them seducing me. Still, in my mind, I can assume that I dashed their hopes of hooking up with a Bonafide American Stud, even though they were likely just making small talk.

Luckily, I had two buddies that were tired of a place called Losers with overpriced drinks and wanted to go to the club where Tony had a VIP table. Even if he wasn't going, there was no reason we couldn't go and enjoy some free booze and scantily clad ladies in cages. When we got there, it was really fun, but that was simply because of the free alcohol. Like, you could have given me free booze in a dive bar with convicts, and I could have at least as much fun. At 31 years-old, I am not a club guy. Still, I did start to get down, had one girl who thought she could get down better than me, and then I proceeded to twerk her right off the stage. She was obviously impressed with the power of my dance moves, and also that I was dedicated enough to harm a girl with said dance moves.

Outside of the booze and booty shaking, my highlight was having a conversation with a guy who looked like the bad guy from Daredevil; he knew all of the girls that worked there, so I'm going to assume that he was an evil mastermind, and I was a pawn in his plan to take over the world.

After that, my buddy played some Craps, and I took advantage of more free drinks. After that, we headed back to the hotel, ran into people at McDonalds and took down some sausage burritos for sustenance. I usually hate McDonalds, but them having Sausage Burritos at any time can be really clutch when you are drunk and just need something that will help you not feel like shit the following morning. Bless you, Sausage Burritos.

It was 4:30 AM when we got back to the room and passed out. Then I woke up at 6:00 AM to catch my flight. Shockingly, I did not particularly enjoy my cross country flight back to Florida, especially since my body has decided that that I will never be able to sleep on an airplane.

This was by far my most positive Vegas experience. I had a great time, and I still felt a little empty when it was all said and done. Although free drinks are one of my favorite things in this world, gambling and glamour just don't do it for me. I can make the best of any situation, but Vegas is at the absolute bottom of places I want to see again.

I wish my friends would give me an excuse to go to Austin.

A Comprehensive Breakdown of the Fresh Prince's "Parents Just Don't Understand"

"Parents Just Don't Understand" is a song that I have been meaning to break down for a while. Probably like 25 years, because this song is brilliant and also one of the most inappropriate songs ever written. Somehow it has avoided scrutiny. Well, Fresh Prince, if that is even your real name, today is the day that you pay the piper. I would hope you have already heard it, but here is a video for those uninitiated.

Now onto the lyrics.

You know parents are the same no matter time nor place
They don't understand that us kids are gonna make some mistakes
So to you, all the kids all across the land
There's no need to argue, parents just don't understand

Okay, this is actually all very acceptable. Parents be parents just as women be shoppin.

I remember one year
My mom took me school shopping
It was me, my brother, my mom, oh, my pop, and my little sister
All hopped in the car
We headed downtown to the Gallery Mall
My mom started bugging with the clothes she chose
I didn't say nothing at first
I just turned up my nose
She said, "What's wrong? This shirt cost $20"
I said, "Mom, this shirt is plaid with a butterfly collar!"

The Fresh Prince and I are totally on the same page on this one. This shirt is hideous. Sadly, this shirt is very likely to be fashionable soon if it is not already. Since I am in my late 20s, I have no idea what is cool with the kids these days.

The next half hour was the same old thing
My mother buying me clothes from 1963
And then she lost her mind and did the ultimate
I asked her for Adidas and she bought me Zips!

I just learned that his Mom did not buy him "zits." That never made sense, but you know, parents don't understand, and maybe his Mom bought pepperoni to rub on his face.

Oh, and what are Zips? They are just crappy shoes...with awesome commercials.

I said, "Mom, what are you doing, you're ruining my rep"
She said, "You're only sixteen, you don't have a rep yet"
I said, "Mom, let's put these clothes back, please"
She said "no, you go to school to learn not for a fashion show"
I said, "This isn't Sha Na Na, come on Mom, I'm not Bowzer
Mom, please put back the bell-bottom Brady Bunch trousers

This is Sha Na Na; I have a totally new respect for this opening verse.

There is so much that is going on in that picture. I...I can't even...words cannot do that photo justice. Let's move on.

But if you don't want to I can live with that but
You gotta put back the double-knit reversible slacks"
She wasn't moved - everything stayed the same
Inevitably the first day of school came
I thought I could get over, I tried to play sick
But my mom said, "No, no way, uh-uh, forget it"
There was nothing I could do, I tried to relax
I got dressed up in those ancient artifacts

He probably should have just worn his clothes from the year before. Even if they were a little small, I would think it would be a better solution. Come on Prince, you've got to know the basics in staying Fresh.

And when I walked into school, it was just as I thought
The kids were cracking up laughing at the clothes Mom bought
And those who weren't laughing still had a ball
Because they were pointing and whispering
As I walked down the hall

I wonder what those kids were thinking. Like, "Wow, that guy looks like a real asshole in those clothes, but there ain't no way I'm gonna laugh at The Fresh Prince. Let's just point and whisper, out of respect."

I got home and told my Mom how my day went
She said, "If they were laughing you don't need them,
Cause they're not good friends"
For the next six hours I tried to explain to my Mom
That I was gonna have to go through this about 200 more times
So to you all the kids all across the land
There's no need to argue
Parents just don't understand

I would just like to pause that just about everything in this first verse is completely understandable from The Fresh Prince's perspective. He tried to reason with his Mom, and she just wouldn't listen, and it really ruined his first day of school. This is all understandable. I point that out, because this second verse is in no way, shape, or form, understandable.

Oh-kay, here's the situation
My parents went away on a week's vacation and
They left the keys to the brand new Porsche
Would they mind?

Yes, very much so.

Umm, well, of course not

You are not accurately thinking like your parents.

I'll just take it for a little spin
And maybe show it off to a couple of friends
I'll just cruise it around the neighborhood
Well, maybe I shouldn't
Yeah, of course I should

Oh, Fresh Prince, I understand your teen angst and that you must drive their Porsche, but this will turn out to lead to numerous bad decisions later on.

Pay attention, here's the thick of the plot
I pulled up to the corner at the end of my block
That's when I saw this beautiful girlie girl walking

This is the whole reason that I am writing this post. This whole scene is SOOOOO messed up. Please continue, Mr. Prince.

I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking
You should've seen this girl's bodily dimensions
I honked my horn just to get her attention
She said, "Was that for me?"
I said, "Yeah"
She said, "Why?"
I said, "Come on and take a ride with a helluva guy"

I really would like to find a way to reenact this scene but finding a random girl on the streets to get her part right would be really tough. And, I'm not sure the best way to respond when a girl tells me, "Go fuck yourself." Come on and take a ride with a helluva...shelf? Elf? That doesn't seem quite as charming.

She said, "How do I know you're not sick?
You could be some deranged lunatic"
I said, "C'mon toots - my name is The Prince
Besides, would a lunatic have a Porsche like this?"
She agreed and we were on our way

Woah, woah, woah. This scenario would never come close to playing out in real life. At least, dear god, I hope it does not happen in real life. If this is why there are so many missing girls, then some of the blame has to go to the ladies, because they ought to know better. These are very good questions from this young lady, but she should not accept these answers. If a man has a nice car, calls you "toots," and refers to himself as, "The Prince" run for your life. There is no positive outcome in that scenario.

She was looking very good and so was I, I must say - word
We hit McDonald's, pulled into the drive

Thought in Fresh Prince's head, "Just picked up a hot date, better take her to the best restaurant in town. You know my motto? LL Big M - Ladies Love Big Macs."

We ordered two Big Macs and two large fries with Cokes
She kicked her shoes off onto the floor
She said, "Drive fast, speed turns me on"
She put her hand on my knee, I put my foot on the gas
We almost got whiplash, I took off so fast
The sun roof was open , the music was high
And this girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh

This is an incredibly disturbing thought if you know where this song is headed. So, so, very disturbing.

She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far

Oh, God, that is WAY worse.

I guess that's why I didn't notice that police car

That's bad.

We're doing ninety in my Mom's new Porsche
And to make this long story short - short
When the cop pulled me over I was scared as hell
I said, "I don't have a license but I drive very well, officer"

That's worse.

I almost had a heart attack that day
Come to find out the girl was a twelve-year-old runaway

WHAT? 12? 12 years old? A twelve-year-old? This song was recorded in 1988, which would have made The Fresh Prince 20 years old. I don't think I have ever, even when I was 12, thought, "You should have seen this girl's bodily dimensions," about a 12 year old. When I was 12, I wasn't thinking that about 12 years old. When I was 20, I didn't come across many 12 year olds, and I certainly didn't drive around town in my 1993 Mercury Tracer trying to pick them up off the street. Not to mention this was a runaway, meaning that this girl was either in week-old clothing or simply down to wearing a potato sack. That is what got The Fresh Prince to think, "Wow, that girl is beautiful. I love her My Little Pony backpack and how she is playing with Barbies on the side of the street." That's way fucked up, and this was a popular song that nobody saw any issues with 25 years ago. This song will never be covered, because the person who sings that would immediately be brought in by the FBI for questioning. Anyway, let's move on...

I was arrested, the car was impounded
There was no way for me to avoid being grounded

GROUNDED? You're worried about being grounded? That should be the least of your worries. In all honesty, you should be ecstatic that you got arrested before you committed statutory rape. I would send those cops a nice fruit basket.

My parents had to come off from vacation to get me
I'd rather be in jail than to have my father hit me

Dude, you have no idea how close you came to finding out that jail is way WAY worse than having your father hit you. Your butt was nearly turned into a community glory hole.

My parents walked in
I got my grip, I said, "Ah, Mom, Dad, how was your trip?"
They didn't speak - I said, "I want to plead my case"
But my father just shoved me in the car by my face
That was a hard ride home, I don't know how I survived
They took turns - one would beat me while the other was driving
I can't believe it, I just made a mistake

No. No no no no no no no. That is not a mistake. Forgetting to lock the door is a mistake. Leaving the windows open with the AC on is a mistake. Nearly committing statutory rape is most certainly not a mistake.

Well parents are the same no matter time nor place
So to you all the kids all across the land
Take it from me, parents just don't understand

Sure, he almost went to jail for 20 years, but you really should have seen this 12 year old's bodily dimensions.