The 5 Worst Things About The First Episode of The OC

My wife and I are rewatching The OC together, because I enjoy her company, and it's good to have a show to watch as we fall asleep at 10:00 PM (double digits means it's time to get to sleep). Anyway, we just started, and man, The OC is really bad. It makes ZERO sense, in every way, shape, and form. But that's also what kind of makes it wonderful. Still, there were a few things that I needed to address as they are too stupid to be excusable. Here are the five worst things about the first episode.

5. Luke Is Not Subtle
Luke tries to hook up with a girl at a party that not only is his girlfriend present, but it's a party for her. He couldn't be more blatant about it. He grabbed her in the middle of the party and took her out to the beach, showing no wit, charm, or guile. And HE GOT AWAY WITH IT. Luke was the dogshit worst at the beginning of this show, but he turned into by far my favorite character, so I'm just going to chalk this up to a baller-ass Luke move. I can't hate this. Let's try again.

5b. Ryan Is Awful At Crime
The first episode starts with Ryan's brother stealing a car, and Ryan being apprehensive about getting in. He slows down everything and is just hanging outside the car as his brother tells him to hurry up and get in. Finally, he sees a cop car and decides, "Yep, NOW is the time I should get in the car." That is literally the worst time to hop in a stolen car. So he hops in the car and they run into a lightpole trying to avoid the cops.

4. Ryan Is The Worst
Let's review what Ryan does in the first episode. He hops in a stolen car when he sees police officers driving by which shows that he is a stupid criminal. Despite having the charm of a dead moth, Sandy Cohen takes him in to his house. Ryan immediately starts smoking cigarettes at the end of the driveway. Then the Cohens invite him to a fancy party, and this idiot immediately starts sneaking alcohol. What a dumbass. This guy could not behave for an hour straight, and still, he gets adopted by a super rich family because he was nice to Seth. They totally should have just adopted a black kid instead. Sandy could have gotten all the drama of bringing in an outsider with none of the drama, as that child couldn't have been any worse than Ryan. The only logical explanation is that Seth is racist and refused to have a black friend, but that kind of seems true of everyone from Newport Beach.

3. Summer Is The Worst Friend
Summer and some random girl dropped Marissa off at her house. Marissa was passed out, so they just left her on the front stoop. That is not a good friend. Like, Summer could have just let Marissa pass out at her house. Also, hot take here: In the first episode, Marissa is hotter than Summer. She's got the girl next door thing perfected. Now, don't get me wrong, Summer probably passed her by episode three, and neither of them could hold a candle to my girl, Taylor Townsend.

2. Luke's Beatdown
Ryan sucker punches Luke, which wasn't even a big enough event to make it on how awful of a person Ryan is, and Luke then beats him up, but the only good shot he got in was a kick to the gut. If Luke would have just smashed his face in, things probably would have worked out better for every single person on this show except for Ryan and maybe Seth. That is a sacrifice I think all of Newport would be willing to make.

1. Seth Drinks Beer
Seth goes to his first party, and he decides to hang out by the keg and drink beer. There is NO WAY Seth would drink beer. He would be treating himself to the fruitiest cocktails, and he would either make them way too stiff and make an ass out of himself or he would make them with the tiniest amount of alcohol and pretend to be drunk. Either way it'd be an embarrassment and not involve any Natural Light.

Also, I could probably do this with every episode of The OC, but I can't put the world through that. I'm like six episodes in, and Jimmy Cooper lost $4 million, Sandy starts playing video games, Kirsten got demoted, Marissa and Luke broke up like six times and apparently lose their virginity to each other, Ryan burned down a house, Grandpa Caleb's 23 year-old girlfriend tries to have sex with Ryan...oh, and Luke gets shot. That is what I could come up with during one minute of thinking. I doubt it's half of the ridiculous shit that took place.

God bless this awful show.

Jon Jones Vs. Daniel Cormier Is the Biggest Fight of the Year

2015 is starting off with a bang, as I don't think anything is going to touch this weekend for the greatness of sports content. With the New Year's holiday, the weekend started on Thursday, and you could make a pretty strong case that it started on Wednesday evening for New Year's Eve. The longer the weekend, the higher potential for greatness. Still, despite all of the bowl games, the NFL Playoffs, and Iowa wrestling twice this weekend, there is one event that stands above all others, and that is UFC 182 with the main event of Jon Jones defending his Light Heavyweight Championship against Daniel Cormier.

I have been looking forward to this fight since Cormier said he was going to drop down to 205. Cormier is basically Fedor Emelianenko if Fedor had a wrestling background instead of Sambo. He's so incredibly gifted at fighting that I needed no drama to get excited for a fight where he would challenge Jon Jones.

That being said, the drama and shit-talking from each side has been incredible. These guys don't like each other, and that is wonderful. It adds that extra element that gets me way too excited to watch grown men fight. And even with all of the personal dislike, there is still respect. Jon Jones hasn't voiced it as much, but Cormier openly states that Jones will be by far his toughest opponent. And he's right.

Also, you can think Jon Jones is a dick all you want (I basically agree), but there is no fighter that does a better job of being beautifully violent in his fights. He's the most exciting fighter since Pride-era Wanderlei Silva (I am horribly biased for Silva, so nobody will ever top him in my eyes), so every time he steps in the cage to fight, it is absolutely a must-watch event.

This comes down to a battle of good vs. evil. Daniel Cormier is an incredibly likable guy. He's honest, friendly, and most importantly, vulnerable. He will say Jon Jones is great. He will say that he's scared entering the cage. He will even say that the possibility of Jones beating him has crossed his mind. He's a person, and we can see his humanity; he's relatable. Jon Jones is none of those things. He lies, talks shit when the cameras are off (or at least when he thinks they're off), and never shows even a hint of vulnerability. Unless you are also a sociopath, there is no way to relate to him. It is good vs. evil. If Cormier wins on Saturday night, I will celebrate and be happy. If Jones wins, I will sulk and be totally bummed. These emotions from two people that I do not know are completely irrational, but that's what makes this so much fun.

Saying all that, you could take away that entire storyline, and it would still be the most exciting fight of the year.

Rise by Skillet Is the Worst Song Ever Made

My wife will sometimes have me get songs downloaded, so she has songs she likes on her iPod instead of just the underground country, hippy, and death metal mix that I listen to. This is totally understandable. I'm actually happy about this, because she used to casually listen to Hatebreed, and every time I would walk in, I would want to punch a hole through the wall, which is not a healthy reaction when seeing your wife.

So the other day, she had me download some songs. Mostly people I knew kind of sucked like Miley Cyrus and Drake. She also exposed me to Royals by Lorde, and that has totally become my jam, so some good did come out of it. The only song that stood out was Rise by a band called Skillet. I didn't really think anything of it, so I downloaded it on the computer and put it on her iPod as well as mine, because unchecking that little box on iTunes is way too big of a hassle. This would turn out to be a pretty big mistake.

I went for a run the other day, and the song came on. I had no idea what the hell it was at first. I guess now is as good of time as any to play the song for you.

From that initial beeping at the beginning of the song, my first thought was, "What the fuck is this?" Then the guy started singing, and I'm like, "Shit, what the hell is this?" It was at this point that I took out my iPod and found out what it was. I smiled when I saw that it was one of the crappy songs my wife had wanted. Then the lady started singing, and by that point, nothing shitty could surprise me, so I embraced that part.

Now I could have easily switched to the next song, but I'm a little sadistic, so I needed to see this song through. I'm so happy that I did.

You see, this song is really shitty for the first three minutes and 45 seconds about revolting, with the final 45 seconds of that taking it to a worse place as they have children chanting. But as bad as that is, it is followed by the final 30 seconds which blows everything out of the water. It stops being a song, and becomes a phone call, a news story, and a family argument. I doubt anybody made it to this point in the video above, so here it is for you to enjoy.

I am a very relaxed runner, but rarely do I actually laugh out loud when running. This song changed all that, as I had to keep my balance, because I was bent over laughing by the end of this audio montage.

Here is the wonderful transcript in all its glory:

[Operator:] 911?
[Woman:] There's a guy here with a gun!
[Operator:] Ma'am? Ma'am?
[Woman:] Kids, get under the table! Kids get under the table!!!

This got me to giggle a little bit. I didn't really see how this scene really tied into the song, but I was pretty happy it was there.

[News reporter:] We are getting new reports from all around the globe, showing the highest unemployment rates since the end of World War II. Many are losing their jobs, their homes, and in many cases, their hope.

Through the first part, I was just trying to keep up with all that this news reporter was saying, but I had caught up by the last sentence. And when she says, "and in many cases, their hope," I just about lost my shit. That is rich. That is just rich. God, I was so happy.

[Dispatch:] [static police call] Domestic Disturbance in progress [more static]

I was a little disappointed, as nothing special happened here. But then...

[Upset parent:] You are such a failure! What is wrong with you? You're worthless! You can't do anything right! I wish you had never been born!

It was at this point where I nearly fell down laughing. I looked like an awkward runner, because my convulsing laughter minimized my stride, and I had to do everything I could just to stay upright. That last sentence from angry parent made me oh so happy. That sentence somehow summarizes all teen angst in just seven little words.

When I confronted my wife about this song, I was very relieved. She had never heard the song before, but a friend recommended it to her. That was a huge relief, as a divorce after four months would have been awkward.

Anyway, god bless you, Skillet. This song is the worst piece of shit I have ever listened to, but thanks for the laugh. If you are looking to make real music, maybe listen to the late, great, Wesley Willis.