Races Suck

I ran a race last week for the first time in like seven years. I remembered that I hated running races, but this was the Skyway 10K where you get to run on a bridge over the Tampa Bay that would be illegal to run on any other time so I thought it would be worth it since I could run some place cool. Plus, it had been seven years, maybe races weren’t as bad as I remembered.

They were not as bad as I remember; they were definitely worse.

First off, this was a race for military families. That’s not a big deal as helping people is always good, but when you put military anything into something, you know you’re going to deal with some bullshit. This was especially true when it came to the sounds of the race. The Star Spangled Banner, although an objectively terrible song, was unsurprisingly played before the race. But then along the course, there was absolutely nothing but country music played. Like, I would have been ecstatic with some Springsteen at that point, and it’s not like most people realize that Born in the USA is against military interventionism; they just sing the chorus and move on.

And yes, I brought headphones, but I’m not trying to blow out an eardrum to drown out crappy music. They should be the ones to change, because their musical tastes are terrible.

They had a staggered start for the race, and I am in the fourth group to begin. So I get to the starting line, packed in with a bunch of runners and walkers and wait for this thing to get going. The cannon blasts (because military stuff), and we’re off. Well, other people may have been off. I was just chillin. Relaxin. Hangin’ out. But then, EXCITEMENT. We start slowly walking. Neat. By the time I get up to the actual start line, we are starting to be at a brisk walk or incredibly slow jog. HOORAY!

I’m already irritated and looking for every gap I can find to get some sort of space to start moving. I dart in and out, in between, and to the outsides so I can actually run. Finally, I get a little bit of space, and I’m off. Here is my internal dialogue once I finally got going.

“I’m going too fast.”
“There is no way I can keep this pace up.”
“I really need to slow down.”
“Oh man, this is not good.”
“Again, you really need to slow down.”

But no matter how many times I told myself to slow down early on, I couldn’t do it. I hate being in crowds so much that I just needed to bust out any way I could. I’m basically like a much, much, much slower Steve Prefontaine in that all I want to do is front run so I don’t have to have the feeling of being trapped. The fun with this race was once I busted out, I just ran into more crowds, because I caught up to previous start times. I never really got any stretch of just open space and enjoyment.

Not shockingly, I was already feeling like shit by the time I hit the bridge. Going down the bridge was okay, but still, there were so many people that I could never fully open up and let go of things. I thought the view would be cool, but I barely remember it, because I was constantly surrounded by people. I don’t think I ran too poorly, but I definitely didn’t run well either. I tried checking my time after the race, but they hadn’t posted anything yet. Honestly, I don’t particularly care since I haven’t actually measured distance or time on my runs in years. I just run to run.

To top it all off, the food spread was an insult. First off, they promised water on the bus back, and mine didn’t have any. Then, when we got back, I was looking forward to a spread of donuts, popsicles, gatorades, and some delicious complimentary food. Instead, there was water, doritos, and plain bagels. Nothing like gnawing on a raw bagel after a hard race. They at least had bananas. Oh, and there was complimentary food provided by...Taco Bell! When I saw that announcement, I thought they were pranking people, but NOPE, turns out that Taco Bell was their idea of the perfect food after a hard run. I thought about having some since my body was craving calories, but I knew that my whole digestive system would make me pay for that later.

On the positives, there was at least a couple free beers in it for me, but considering I had just done a race, and there was no real food to go along with it, I drank half of one and called it a day.

I’m never running another race. Instead, for my next run, I’m going to pick a beautiful stretch along the water, take the dog out, and fully enjoy every second of it while only seeing people for a moment as we pass in opposite directions. When I get back to the car, there will be water for both of us and a couple bananas to give me the nourishment I need before heading back to my house and downing a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

If someone ever makes a race like that, sign me up.

The WWE Is Ruining... Elias

Elias should probably be a star. He has a good look, plenty of charisma, and immediately got over with his ability to write songs that insult the town that he is in. And instead, he’s in limbo, not even good enough to be Shane McMahon’s main cronie.

They have absolutely no direction for him as has been shown in how he has been used in the month of July. He just keeps teaming up with random people which include, Samoa Joe, Randy Orton, Sami Zayn, The Revival, and that doesn’t even include the people that I thought he was with, Shane McMahon and Drew McIntyre. He’s basically the WWE jester as he can go out, perform a song, get thrown out there with some random wrestlers, lose his match, and all of that turns into a giant pile of nothing.

Even with that, Elias is pretty good, surely, he must win about 50% of his matches, right? No, well at least 40%? 30%? 20%? No, Elias is currently 8-53 winning just 13.1% of the time. Elias loses almost 90% of his matches, so it’s pretty tough for even his most diehard fans to want to walk with Elias.

What he really needs is kind of what the WWE just did with Shinsuke Nakamura where they gave him a win over Finn Balor, but I just wish they would have done it better. Elias needs that big name win, and if it’s for a belt, that is even better. I think he has the potential to be a very good secondary champion. I mean, he’s not Kazuchika Okada in the ring, but he’s also not as bad as Dean Ambrose so if you put him in with top talent, he can put on good WWE-style matches.

This should be a fairly easy fix, because the fans are still giving him strong reactions and have started to enjoy being browbeaten for living in such crummy cities. I would like to see him come up with a cool catchphrase like, “This is the least fun city I’ve ever been in,” you know, something totally original like that. Then if he just started winning, it could really set something off where WWE has another legitimate superstar.

And everyone in the crowd will put on our New Balances and Walk With Elias.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Akam
Ali
Alicia Fox
Andrade "Cien" Almas
Apollo Crews
Bayley
Big E
Big Show
Bo Dallas
Bobby Lashley
Bobby Roode
Braun Strowman
Brock Lesnar
Carmella
Chad Gable

Charlotte Flair
Curt Hawkins
Curtis Axel

Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Drew McIntyre

Ember Moon
Epico

Finn Balor

Goldust
Gran Metalik

Jey Uso
Jimmy Uso
Jinder Mahal
Kane
Karl Anderson

Kevin Owens
Killian Dain
Kofi Kingston
Konnor

Lio Rush

Luke Gallows
Matt Hardy

Mickie James
Mojo Rawley

Natalya
Nia Jax

No Way Jose
Peyton Royce
Primo

Randy Orton

Rezar

Ruby Riott

Rusev
Sarah Logan

Scott Dawson
Shane McMahon
Sheamus

Shinsuke Nakamura
Tyler Breeze

Viktor

Zack Ryder

The West Texas Rednecks Are The Greatest Country Music Act In History

As a native Iowan, I know a lot about country music. I can name double-digit country music recording artists off the top of my head. Don't believe me? Alan Jackson, Garth Brooks, uh Toby Keith...and seven others that I will not list since I don't want to dignify your hypothetical question. But yeah, I know A LOT about country music. You probably thought I named all of the country musicians, but I left one very important group off that list, and that is the greatest country music act in history, The West Texas Rednecks.

The West Texas Rednecks came together during the summer of 1999, and they immediately set the world on fire with their debut hit, "I Hate Rap."

It still holds up as possibly the greatest song in country music history. What many people may not know is that the West Texas Rednecks were actually professional wrestlers who just created chart-topping country music hits on the side. In fact, they came up with this song so they could feud with Master P and the No Limit Soldiers, but in their first try at creating music, they did something better than Master P had ever come close to in his entire career. If I know anything about the south, it is their love of hip hop culture, but even in rapping hotbeds like Alabama, Mississippi, and Florida, people could not get enough of this country music. Finally, even southerners could enjoy country music.

But the West Texas Rednecks did not just rest on their laurels with the success of "I Hate Rap." They went out and created a tune nearly as good with their second single, "Good Ol' Boys."

Pretty bold move by these guys to make a song with the same name as the theme from the Dukes of Hazzard, but that just shows you the confidence that these guys had in themselves as musicians.

They got a bit more of a budget in this video as this is pretty impressive technology for 1999.

But they still knew that it was all about the music. Some artists would have played it safe and gone with something similar to their first success. Sure, they could have written Funk is Bunk or Rhymes Are Crimes, but they evolved as artists with "Good Ol' Boys," even using a female vocalist for the refrain.

The most important thing is that they also got edgy in their lyrics. If you think crap was on the borderline of decency, well, they really pushed the envelope on this one.

We got an old hound dog and a pickup truck
We like the long-legged country girls who know how to...

Before I go on to that final word, let me think of something that I would like a country girl to know how to do. Oh, and it should also rhyme with truck. Could it be puck, and they have a weird obsession with hockey? Probably not. Tuck - I mean it is possible that they want to be tucked in for bedtime. Ugh, this is tough, Buck doesn't quite work. Cuck seems incredibly weird and a little too progressive for country music. Duck would help if they were on a dodgeball team. Fu...oh yeah, that's definitely it.

And it would have been, but they instead went with Love, which doesn't even rhyme and just shows you what they were really thinking. They say this line a second time and even drag out the pause to really let you know what they like to do with country girls.

Unfortunately, the band members went their separate ways shortly after their second hit and never recorded another song again. If their goal was to conquer country music, it's tough to blame them after they clearly achieved that goal. It doesn't matter whether they did it with talent or did it with luck; they were on the prowl to find those country girls who know how to...love.

Two songs, two number one hits. Nobody in music history can match that. You might call it great; I'd call it Perfect.

Country Music Taught Me That Stockholm Syndrome Is Real

My musical tastes went down quite a path as I grew up. My first tape (yeah, I had tapes) was MC Hammer. After that, Weird Al reigned supreme. Then I became a big Def Leppard fan, and then settled in like many angsty teenagers with Metallica and various other metal groups. 

But I'm from Iowa. And in Iowa, one type of music reigns supreme. That music is country music. Since I was inundated with country music every time I did any sort of social activity, I rebelled against and hated it. But eventually it beat me down. It grew on me, some would say like a rash, but it grew on me nonetheless. I actually began to like the stuff, like, it became my go-to music choice. I even defended it to people who didn't like it. "It's a lot better than you think...They sing about fighting...It's not all about dogs and guns."

This lasted for a decade. A full decade of listening to country music. Man, if only I could get those years back. 

But after a decade, I got married, and more importantly, I moved to Florida. Now Florida is just as much of a white trash haven as Iowa, but luckily, I didn't have friends. And not having friends meant that I could always choose what I wanted to listen to. As time went on, that became less and less country music. It went that way because country music is garbage, and my brain now understood that.

It was very freeing. I started to listen to good music like The Sheepdogs, The Struts, The Record Company, and Run the Jewels. You know, legitimately good music. I didn't even know how evil my country music captors were until becoming free for a while and realizing how good music (and life) could truly be.

Life is short. Far too short to listen to country music. I know it's scary to find new music out there, but trust me, there is music that you will truly enjoy listening to. I did it, and you can do it too. I promise.

Steel Panther Is The Only Concert You Need To See

I'm not a big concert guy. Outside of a deal at the fair in my hometown where you can go to six concerts for $40, I'm not sure if I've been to more than a handful of concerts, and two of those concerts were Weird Al and Wesley Willis. So, yeah, I'm not a concert guy. There's not many concerts that I would even want to see, but at the top of that list was Steel Panther, and good god, it was amazing.

First off, I guess I should let you know who Steel Panther is. They're the greatest rock group ever. In their simplest form, they are an 80s Hair Metal Band, just in present time. And you know how every 80s hair metal song was about sex, but they used innuendos? Steel Panther does the opposite in that they explain sex in the most gratuitous way possible. Seriously, one of their cleanest songs is called, "It Won't Suck Itself," because it's about getting bit by a snake and needing help getting the venom out. There are only two types of people in this world, people who have never heard of Steel Panther, and people who absolutely love Steel Panther. If you're not already, become a part of the latter group today.

Now I must admit that I am not somebody who gets excited in anticipation of things happening. Like, I'm heading to a wedding this weekend where my wife and I will see old friends, and it should be a good time. To my wife's disappointment, I can never say I'm excited by this. I know it'll be a good time, but the good time isn't here yet, and it's not something that I am building up in my head due to anticipation. I'm not filled with anticipation, so I don't get excited about these future events.

Steel Panther was the opposite of that.

Two weeks before the concert, I would just start thinking about it. I would be at work, listening to the songs and mouthing some of the dirtiest shit imaginable about gangbangs, Asians, and something that happens in adult films that rhymes with Moo Hockey, and I could feel it in my core, that excitement building. When we got to the week out mark, and I only listened to Steel Panther, I could not wipe the smile off my face. I knew Steel Panther would rock, and I was going to rock with them. There was no way it wouldn't be totally sweet.

Spoiler alert: It was totally sweet.

We got the opportunity to see Steel Panther at an ourdoor venue in downtown St. Petersburg on basically a perfect night with the night temperatures just dipping into the 70s. The venue was perfect for us as it was outdoors and probably had room for 1000 people. Beyonce played at Raymond James Stadium the night before, and I guarantee that her concert wasn't half the experience that Steel Panther provided.

Some dude opened up with his band and played for about a half hour. Finally, he said, "Alright, we got one more song (looks to his right)...wait, no more songs? Alright, we're done. Thank you, St. Petersburg!" The lesson is that you don't tell Steel Panther when you're done. They tell you when you're done.

After some set up, Steel Panther came on stage, and instantly rocked my ass off. They opened with "Eyes of a Panther," and it was on from there. Obviously, with songs like "Party Like Tomorrow Is The End of the World," "Death to All But Metal," and "Community Property," the show was obviously going to rock harder than anything that anyone could ever imagine, but they didn't just rely on how awesome their songs were. They put on a damn show.

For "Asian Hooker," they brought up an Asian girl and had choreography in the performance. For "Girl From Oklahoma," they brought up a random fan to serenade, and for "17 Girls in a Row," they brought up a bunch of girls and encouraged everyone to flash the audience (although only a few took them up on that offer).

And they took some breaks between songs to just have some fun banter. Now, explaining the banter would not be funny, as it was all sophomoric humor at best, but I was still laughing my face off at every goofy one liner. That's the thing with Steel Panther, you're there for a good time. You already like the guys in the band, so you'll find everything they say more charming and witty than you would a random stranger. It's the same way that priests get laughs at church. A priest has never said anything funny in the history of organized religion, but they always get those laughs from the congregation, because the congregation wants to like them. Steel Panther is like that, only like 100 billion times more awesome.

Steel Panther rocks harder than any band that has ever rocked. They make Guns N' Roses look like Winger. On top of this, they are ultimate showmen who entertain just as hard as they rock. I know what you're thinking, and I don't know how they're not the most popular band in the world either. But seriously, take advantage while you can see them with hundreds of like-minded people, because it is the only concert that you need to see.

A Comprehensive Breakdown of Kali Muscle's "FLEXIN" Video

Let's just be up front about things. This is a bad rap song. I am an awkward white person, and I have more flow than Kali Muscle. Still, this video is much more popular than anything I have ever written, so at least he has a good marketing team. And although this is a bad rap song, this is a GREAT rap video. 

There's a lot going on there, so let's break it down chronologically. Probably the funniest part of the video for me happens right at the beginning, as he's cruising in his white sports car to impress everyone around. This man is a true baller, so where does he go?

Bank of America, bitches! He then passionately states, "These suckas got me mad, at the bank is when I'm glad." If that isn't the highest praise for Bank of America's customer service, I don't know what is. That should honestly be their new slogan. Also, he walks into the bank with a Ziploc bag of money, so it's not even like he's taking out money to buy cool stuff; he's just really excited about the interest rates in his savings account.

And although the bank is my most hilarious moment, even that does not compare to the storyline of this video. This is maybe the greatest meathead storyline in the history of storytelling. You see, there is somebody talking shit about Kali Muscle on the internet, and even worse, it's a nerd. How do we know it's a nerd? Well, he wears glasses.

And yes, the first time we see him, he is adjusting his glasses like the biggest nerd possible. He thinks he is safe to talk shit about Kali Muscle from the safety of his computer, but oh man, he has no idea what kind of trouble he is in. 

That's right. Kali Muscle is a hacker. As he states in the song (without rhyming it with anything), "IP Address is easily obtained." 

Right after this is the point in the video where he starts walking around a cemetery dressed as a ghost.

I'd just like to point out how happy this would make me. Imagine being at a funeral for a loved one (for me, I imagine Ricky, the baby raccoon that used to live on our roof). That is very sad, but now imagine that some giant meathead was dressed as a ghost making a rap video while you were at that funeral. That makes death a whole lot easier to take, and if Ricky ever passes away, I would hope someone would get a meathead to perform this service to help with the grief.

Then KT starts rapping, and they are partying at a club. It is boring and generic. I've already written about it too much.

But back to important things. Remember how Mr. Muscle hacked this nerd's IP Address? Well, yeah, he found out where he lives, and it's time for this nerd to pay.

Hahaha, nerd. Don't talk shit on the internet if you don't want a large black man to hack your IP Address, break into your home, sneak up on you and choke you to death from behind. Oh, I guess I should have said spoiler alert on that, because this dude definitely dies, is thrown into a trash bag and disposed in the river. Kali Muscle also throws a Ziploc bag of money into the river.

I'm not sure where that money came from, and I especially don't know why he would do that. My only guess is that his Bank of America representative was there in a boat and was going to deliver the money to his savings account.

But death and strengthening his investments are still not good enough for Kali Muscle. He not only goes to the funeral, but he meets the family as well.

He embraces the nerd's Mom, and uh, guys, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah, I know it isn't explicitly shown, but it is pretty clearly implied that if you talk trash to Kali Muscle on the internet, he will find your IP Address, hunt you down, murder you, and then have sex with your grieving mother. 

And that, my friends, is the very definition of FLEXIN.

I Wish I Could Talk About Pop Culture At Work

Something that I have realized about corporate America is that they do not share my same personal interests. Yes, many people like sports, but they like them on such a casual level that it is mentally taxing for me to dumb down my opinions enough to carry on a conversation. When it comes to pop culture, I have very little in common with the people I work with, so the only thing I ever bring up is my Hot Takes on The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise.

There are many small examples of things I wish I could discuss, but one that stood out was when I mentioned watching Review on Comedy Central, and the mere mention of Comedy Central brought scoffs from my coworkers, as they don't watch that channel. This blew my damn mind. Comedy Central is the station that I watch the most shows on. I mean, Review, South Park, Big Time in Hollywood, FL, Nathan For You, and Workaholics are all must watch television shows. But not in my coworkers' minds. They laugh at the mere idea of turning Comedy Central on.

Music is even more difficult. With TV, I can at least bring up my favorite shows before getting blank stares. In music, I can't even do that. I realized this as I was doing some work while jamming out to Steel Panther. I decided I should probably sing quietly, as most people aren't comfortable when someone belts out the lyrics to, "Fuckin' My Heart in the Ass." I mean, there's no way I can sing that song. I can't even say that song's title without an immediate trip to HR. Honestly, I'm not sure if I can mention the name Steel Panther without it possibly leading to some sort of lawsuit.

So, yeah, I don't exactly fit in corporate America, or really any place with well-adjusted human beings.

We Need To Talk About DJ MuscleBoy's "MuscleBells"

The holidays may be over, but there is still some brilliance trickling out from this joyous season. One of these things is DJ MuscleBoy's Christmas hit, "MuscleBells." If you're anything like me, you are sick and tired of all those tired Christmas songs about weaklings. Christmas is not a holiday for the weak; it's one for the strong, and finally DJ MuscleBoy has supplied us with our anthem.

There is a lot to take in during this video. Let's address the elephant in the room: Hot chicks. There are good looking women in this video and closeups of just about every part of their anatomy. Bravo to the director of the video. I really can't offer much more insight on that regard, but I have thoughts about many other things in this video.

Let's start at the beginning. Santa Claus is looking into the distance. For what? A child in need? A homeless shelter to bring joy to?

Oh no, he's looking for a barbell, because you bet your ass it is time to do some dead lifts.

This establishes everything for the video. Some other highlights include:

DJ MuscleBoy is really getting into the Santa character as he is handing out supps that would make even the jolly guy slightly envious. Boys, ladies, everybody gets to get a premium pump this holiday season.

There isn't much that actually has to do with a Christmas in this song, but he does drop some great one liners. Let's rank the top three.

3. "Who needs Jingle Bells when you have dumbbells?"
This is an excellent question, and I hereby announce my support the abolishment of Jingle Bells. If somebody wants to play Jingle Bells, point them to the dumbbells and improve their life for the better.

2. "Drop the bass Jesus"
This one is put as a hashtag for the song, and it seems pretty positive for Jesus. Maybe this is a religious song?

1. "Goddamn, that's a muscular Jesus...come on Jesus, pump the Goddamn weight."
So, yeah...I don't think this is a religious song. It seems that it was rather needless to use the Lord's name in vein twice, but he did it. At first, he at least compliments Jesus, but he quickly follows that up by saying that Jesus needs to give him more in the weight room. But everybody knows that Jesus was not a mass guy, he was a wiry strength guy.

That's all great, but nothing compares to him acting as Santa. He goes into a baby's room, and gives that little baby boy a present.

Yep, he just gave that baby Anabolic Freak, a testosterone/hormone stimulator. It would have been more responsible to give that baby unmarked needles and let the kid go wild. But this is not about responsibility, this is about gains, and that baby is about to be jacked to the gills.

I know that Christmas may have come and gone, but this song is great year-round. New Year's Day? More like New Year's Gains.  More like Valentine's Day? More Like MAXentine's Day. St. Patrick's Day? That one's easy, St. Lat Raise Day. The list goes on and on. So eat right, supp right, and lift everything in sight.

Rise by Skillet Is the Worst Song Ever Made

My wife will sometimes have me get songs downloaded, so she has songs she likes on her iPod instead of just the underground country, hippy, and death metal mix that I listen to. This is totally understandable. I'm actually happy about this, because she used to casually listen to Hatebreed, and every time I would walk in, I would want to punch a hole through the wall, which is not a healthy reaction when seeing your wife.

So the other day, she had me download some songs. Mostly people I knew kind of sucked like Miley Cyrus and Drake. She also exposed me to Royals by Lorde, and that has totally become my jam, so some good did come out of it. The only song that stood out was Rise by a band called Skillet. I didn't really think anything of it, so I downloaded it on the computer and put it on her iPod as well as mine, because unchecking that little box on iTunes is way too big of a hassle. This would turn out to be a pretty big mistake.

I went for a run the other day, and the song came on. I had no idea what the hell it was at first. I guess now is as good of time as any to play the song for you.

From that initial beeping at the beginning of the song, my first thought was, "What the fuck is this?" Then the guy started singing, and I'm like, "Shit, what the hell is this?" It was at this point that I took out my iPod and found out what it was. I smiled when I saw that it was one of the crappy songs my wife had wanted. Then the lady started singing, and by that point, nothing shitty could surprise me, so I embraced that part.

Now I could have easily switched to the next song, but I'm a little sadistic, so I needed to see this song through. I'm so happy that I did.

You see, this song is really shitty for the first three minutes and 45 seconds about revolting, with the final 45 seconds of that taking it to a worse place as they have children chanting. But as bad as that is, it is followed by the final 30 seconds which blows everything out of the water. It stops being a song, and becomes a phone call, a news story, and a family argument. I doubt anybody made it to this point in the video above, so here it is for you to enjoy.

I am a very relaxed runner, but rarely do I actually laugh out loud when running. This song changed all that, as I had to keep my balance, because I was bent over laughing by the end of this audio montage.

Here is the wonderful transcript in all its glory:

[Operator:] 911?
[Woman:] There's a guy here with a gun!
[Operator:] Ma'am? Ma'am?
[Woman:] Kids, get under the table! Kids get under the table!!!

This got me to giggle a little bit. I didn't really see how this scene really tied into the song, but I was pretty happy it was there.

[News reporter:] We are getting new reports from all around the globe, showing the highest unemployment rates since the end of World War II. Many are losing their jobs, their homes, and in many cases, their hope.

Through the first part, I was just trying to keep up with all that this news reporter was saying, but I had caught up by the last sentence. And when she says, "and in many cases, their hope," I just about lost my shit. That is rich. That is just rich. God, I was so happy.

[Dispatch:] [static police call] Domestic Disturbance in progress [more static]

I was a little disappointed, as nothing special happened here. But then...

[Upset parent:] You are such a failure! What is wrong with you? You're worthless! You can't do anything right! I wish you had never been born!

It was at this point where I nearly fell down laughing. I looked like an awkward runner, because my convulsing laughter minimized my stride, and I had to do everything I could just to stay upright. That last sentence from angry parent made me oh so happy. That sentence somehow summarizes all teen angst in just seven little words.

When I confronted my wife about this song, I was very relieved. She had never heard the song before, but a friend recommended it to her. That was a huge relief, as a divorce after four months would have been awkward.

Anyway, god bless you, Skillet. This song is the worst piece of shit I have ever listened to, but thanks for the laugh. If you are looking to make real music, maybe listen to the late, great, Wesley Willis.

A Guide For Grooms: Wedding Planning

Throughout this entire wedding process, I have told anyone who would listen that, “I have been dreaming of this day since I was a wee little boy.” I will also randomly warn people that they better not ruin my special day. Sometimes people take me seriously, and that is awesome. In all reality, I only care about the following three things:

1. My bride.
2. My friends having a good time.
3. Food.

I know I should include family on there somewhere, but the place could burn down in the middle of the reception, and my Mom would still say it was one of the best parties she’s ever been to. She’s an incredibly positive person. Everybody else will fall in line.

Now you are going to have to put in some work on this thing, but there are ways to survive this process with minimal effort. Take easy jobs or things that you are interested in. Since I care about food, I told my lady that I would make the decision on that. I just made my decisions clear at the tasting, and boom, I figured out food, which is incredibly easy but still a really big part of the day.

Next, I care about my friends, so I made the decision on what we would wear. We got suits instead of tuxes, because they were just as cheap as a tux, and now they have a gray suit. My friends are happy with this arrangement, so that means we are good to go.

Other things that I helped on were transportation, music, and the honeymoon. Transportation and music, easy as shit. I highly recommend taking over those things, because you can knock them out in no time. On the honeymoon, don’t make the same mistake I did. We are traveling to five (six, if you count a 14 hour layover in Turkey) countries in Europe. That means a ton of travel, and a ton of different hotels. It was a lot of work, and that was a bad idea on my part. If you want to do something complicated, come up with the outline, and then help her plan it. What is probably easier is keep control of the honeymoon and just go one place. Finding one place to fly to and stay is a piece of cake, so do that instead.

After that, every decision is basically hers to make. The only problem with this is that she is still going to want your opinion. The key is to give her the right opinion.

One thing that has helped me is listening to my lady’s tone of voice to decide how I should respond to her. “What do you think of this?” seems like just one question, but she can ask it in a variety of ways, and I am forced to interpret what type of response she wants. In all reality, all she wants is for me to agree with her. It's almost always positive, so just responding with, "Looks great." is pretty safe. If she tricks you into liking something bad, just go, "Aww, geez, honey, you know me, I'm just a sloppy fella who don't know nothing about your high society ways." She'll call you an idiot, and you can move on.

What about when she gives you multiple options? This is one that I really pride myself on, because she wants an opinion. You can’t just say I don’t know and move on. You also can’t just say that they all look great. The reason she is asking is because she likes all of them. She has a favorite, but she is just using you to confirm her thoughts. So here’s what I do: I hem and haw as I look through the options, occasionally asking to see things multiple times. Finally, I pick out what I like with the caveat, “but I don’t have strong feelings one way or another; I think they all look great.” That way, I gave my opinion, but she can still feel good about ignoring it to do what she wants. Since I really don’t give a shit about any of it, this arrangement works perfect for both of us.

That’s really all there is to it. Take the easy stuff, and never offer a strong opinion on anything else. She'll be happy that you're involved, and since you're barely doing anything, you'll still have plenty of time to watch sports. Win-win.

A Comprehensive Breakdown of All Saints's "Never Ever"

For some reason, All Saints is one of my favorite all-lady bands. I never listen to The Spice Girls (something I will be remedying soon), but I can always jam out to All Saints. I only know one of their songs, but that's all I need to know, because this song is amazing. "Never Ever" is the saddest song ever for women. It sounds as if it were written by the PUA Community on how women are totally heartbroken when they break up with them to pick up a different HB10 (If you don't know what PUA or HB10 means, consider yourself lucky). If it was written by a woman, this woman had the lowest self-esteem of all time. Let's break it down.

A few questions that I need to know
how you could ever hurt me so

This is a very reasonable beginning to a song. She is sad, because she was hurt by her significant other.

I need to know what I've done wrong
and how long it's been going on

Oh, girl, don't go there. Don't do that to yourself. It's not worth it. I'm sure things just didn't work out. Sometimes, two people simply aren't meant to be together. Moving on is the best thing you can do.

Was it that I never paid enough attention?
Or did I not give enough affection?
Not only will your answers keep me sane
but I'll know never to make the same mistake again

This is the opposite of moving on. This is basically the saddest thing a girl could ever do after someone broke up with her. Please, girl, just let it go.

You can tell me to my face or even on the phone
You can write it in a letter, either way, I have to know
Did I never treat you right?
Did I always start the fight?
Either way, I'm going out of my mind
all the answers to my questions
I have to find

These are questions best left unanswered. Girl, just go. You are a precious butterfly, and you have been caught in a net of despair. Who is casting the net? You are. You are casting a net and trapping the butterfly version of yourself in this net of despair. I'm not sure where this metaphor is going, but seriously, stop being so desperate.

My head's spinning
Boy, I'm in a daze
I feel isolated
Don't wanna communicate

I'll take a shower, I will scour
I will rub

I did not think this song could become more desperate, but saying that you are going to rub yourself in the shower while thinking about an ex is basically the ace in the hole for the ladies. It's so desperate that I have to give props on it. That type of boldness will always be appreciated around these parts.

To find peace of mind
The happy mind I once owned, yeah

Flexing vocabulary runs right through me
The alphabet runs right from A to Zed

I have no clue what this means. I guess some ladies start speaking in tongues when guys break up with them.

Conversations, hesitations in my mind
You got my conscience asking questions that I can't find

I'm not crazy
I'm sure I ain't done nothing wrong, no
I'm just waiting
'Cause I heard that this feeling
won't last that long

This is actually the healthiest thing in this song. She's recognizing that it wasn't her fault, she's hurt, but she knows that she can move on eventually. Good for you, girl.

Never ever have I ever felt so low
When you gonna take me out of this black hole?
Never ever have I ever felt so sad
The way I'm feeling yeah, you got me feeling really bad

Never ever have I had to find
I've had to dig away to find my own peace of mind
I've Never ever had my conscience to fight
The way I'm feeling, yeah, I just don't feel right

Ugh, we were so close to a major breakthrough, but you are back to square one. Desperation never gets a guy back. Give it up, lady.

The second verse is just more of the same, with these ladies ending this song by pleading that their ex-boyfriend, who dumped them and left them for good, could write why they will be a lonely, miserable, cat lady in a letter. Hoo boy, you can cut this desperation with a knife. Thanks, All Saints, for writing the anthem for girls with low self-esteem. 

Let's Talk About Young Torture Killaz's "I'll Cut Yo Dick Off"

As the title suggests, this is something that we all need to talk about. Ashley Burns from Uproxx called it the song of the summer, and it's really hard to argue. Let's just go straight to the video, because I'm still going through a lot of different emotions about this.

Wow...just, wow.

First thing that jumps out, is hoowee, this song is awful, but it doesn't take an expert analysis to figure that out. These are three of the least intimidating dudes on the planet and putting on eyeliner and smearing ketchup on their faces definitely does not help their cause. The next thing that really jumps out is they chop a lot of hot dogs in this video, but only one time is it actually connected to a person, and in that case, they are chopping their own "dick" off.

You're not really helping your cause with this demonstration. Still, let's break down the members of the group. Say hello to The Rusty One.

He seems to be the leader of the group, because he is allowed to say "yeah" while the chorus is going. He's a "hood rich killer who will leave you bloody like a tampon." Bloody like a tampon is every 12 year-old's clever saying, and I expect more from The Rusty One. The most important thing he says is, "Put your fucking dicks in the air for Dr. Consequence. Dr. Consequence is probably my favorite member of the crew.

He kills it with his line of, "Woop Woop, choppin' nuts, bangin' sluts, fuckin' butts," which is just how Dr. Consequence lives his his life. He also rides in a lot of helicopters, which is pretty boss.

Finally, there is Young Nino, who is the worst of the group.

Not only is he the token fat guy, but with the makeup and the green hair, he is the token fat guy who is trying way too hard to fit in, which just makes him more of an outcast. I bet he is the worst at dick choppin' parties, because he just tries WAY too hard. Also, most of his rap revolves around him drinking wine, which is the least dick choppin' of all alcohols.

Dr. Consequence leaves us with a nice heads up that we shouldn't worry, because he's a doctor. Still, the best line of this song comes from The Rusty One, where he states, "You want some trouble, but the minute I show up with scissors...ain't no safety scissors either." His scissors will straight cut yo dick off.

And that's the whole song. After listening to it a dozen times, is it still terrible? Well, that's a complicated question, because music is really subjective, but yes, it is very terrible. Still, god bless the Young Torture Killaz for this summer jam. Never change, fellas...never change.

A Comprehensive Breakdown of the Fresh Prince's "Parents Just Don't Understand"

"Parents Just Don't Understand" is a song that I have been meaning to break down for a while. Probably like 25 years, because this song is brilliant and also one of the most inappropriate songs ever written. Somehow it has avoided scrutiny. Well, Fresh Prince, if that is even your real name, today is the day that you pay the piper. I would hope you have already heard it, but here is a video for those uninitiated.

Now onto the lyrics.

You know parents are the same no matter time nor place
They don't understand that us kids are gonna make some mistakes
So to you, all the kids all across the land
There's no need to argue, parents just don't understand

Okay, this is actually all very acceptable. Parents be parents just as women be shoppin.

I remember one year
My mom took me school shopping
It was me, my brother, my mom, oh, my pop, and my little sister
All hopped in the car
We headed downtown to the Gallery Mall
My mom started bugging with the clothes she chose
I didn't say nothing at first
I just turned up my nose
She said, "What's wrong? This shirt cost $20"
I said, "Mom, this shirt is plaid with a butterfly collar!"

The Fresh Prince and I are totally on the same page on this one. This shirt is hideous. Sadly, this shirt is very likely to be fashionable soon if it is not already. Since I am in my late 20s, I have no idea what is cool with the kids these days.

The next half hour was the same old thing
My mother buying me clothes from 1963
And then she lost her mind and did the ultimate
I asked her for Adidas and she bought me Zips!

I just learned that his Mom did not buy him "zits." That never made sense, but you know, parents don't understand, and maybe his Mom bought pepperoni to rub on his face.

Oh, and what are Zips? They are just crappy shoes...with awesome commercials.

I said, "Mom, what are you doing, you're ruining my rep"
She said, "You're only sixteen, you don't have a rep yet"
I said, "Mom, let's put these clothes back, please"
She said "no, you go to school to learn not for a fashion show"
I said, "This isn't Sha Na Na, come on Mom, I'm not Bowzer
Mom, please put back the bell-bottom Brady Bunch trousers

This is Sha Na Na; I have a totally new respect for this opening verse.

There is so much that is going on in that picture. I...I can't even...words cannot do that photo justice. Let's move on.

But if you don't want to I can live with that but
You gotta put back the double-knit reversible slacks"
She wasn't moved - everything stayed the same
Inevitably the first day of school came
I thought I could get over, I tried to play sick
But my mom said, "No, no way, uh-uh, forget it"
There was nothing I could do, I tried to relax
I got dressed up in those ancient artifacts

He probably should have just worn his clothes from the year before. Even if they were a little small, I would think it would be a better solution. Come on Prince, you've got to know the basics in staying Fresh.

And when I walked into school, it was just as I thought
The kids were cracking up laughing at the clothes Mom bought
And those who weren't laughing still had a ball
Because they were pointing and whispering
As I walked down the hall

I wonder what those kids were thinking. Like, "Wow, that guy looks like a real asshole in those clothes, but there ain't no way I'm gonna laugh at The Fresh Prince. Let's just point and whisper, out of respect."

I got home and told my Mom how my day went
She said, "If they were laughing you don't need them,
Cause they're not good friends"
For the next six hours I tried to explain to my Mom
That I was gonna have to go through this about 200 more times
So to you all the kids all across the land
There's no need to argue
Parents just don't understand

I would just like to pause that just about everything in this first verse is completely understandable from The Fresh Prince's perspective. He tried to reason with his Mom, and she just wouldn't listen, and it really ruined his first day of school. This is all understandable. I point that out, because this second verse is in no way, shape, or form, understandable.

Oh-kay, here's the situation
My parents went away on a week's vacation and
They left the keys to the brand new Porsche
Would they mind?

Yes, very much so.

Umm, well, of course not

You are not accurately thinking like your parents.

I'll just take it for a little spin
And maybe show it off to a couple of friends
I'll just cruise it around the neighborhood
Well, maybe I shouldn't
Yeah, of course I should

Oh, Fresh Prince, I understand your teen angst and that you must drive their Porsche, but this will turn out to lead to numerous bad decisions later on.

Pay attention, here's the thick of the plot
I pulled up to the corner at the end of my block
That's when I saw this beautiful girlie girl walking

This is the whole reason that I am writing this post. This whole scene is SOOOOO messed up. Please continue, Mr. Prince.

I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking
You should've seen this girl's bodily dimensions
I honked my horn just to get her attention
She said, "Was that for me?"
I said, "Yeah"
She said, "Why?"
I said, "Come on and take a ride with a helluva guy"

I really would like to find a way to reenact this scene but finding a random girl on the streets to get her part right would be really tough. And, I'm not sure the best way to respond when a girl tells me, "Go fuck yourself." Come on and take a ride with a helluva...shelf? Elf? That doesn't seem quite as charming.

She said, "How do I know you're not sick?
You could be some deranged lunatic"
I said, "C'mon toots - my name is The Prince
Besides, would a lunatic have a Porsche like this?"
She agreed and we were on our way

Woah, woah, woah. This scenario would never come close to playing out in real life. At least, dear god, I hope it does not happen in real life. If this is why there are so many missing girls, then some of the blame has to go to the ladies, because they ought to know better. These are very good questions from this young lady, but she should not accept these answers. If a man has a nice car, calls you "toots," and refers to himself as, "The Prince" run for your life. There is no positive outcome in that scenario.

She was looking very good and so was I, I must say - word
We hit McDonald's, pulled into the drive

Thought in Fresh Prince's head, "Just picked up a hot date, better take her to the best restaurant in town. You know my motto? LL Big M - Ladies Love Big Macs."

We ordered two Big Macs and two large fries with Cokes
She kicked her shoes off onto the floor
She said, "Drive fast, speed turns me on"
She put her hand on my knee, I put my foot on the gas
We almost got whiplash, I took off so fast
The sun roof was open , the music was high
And this girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh

This is an incredibly disturbing thought if you know where this song is headed. So, so, very disturbing.

She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far

Oh, God, that is WAY worse.

I guess that's why I didn't notice that police car

That's bad.

We're doing ninety in my Mom's new Porsche
And to make this long story short - short
When the cop pulled me over I was scared as hell
I said, "I don't have a license but I drive very well, officer"

That's worse.

I almost had a heart attack that day
Come to find out the girl was a twelve-year-old runaway

WHAT? 12? 12 years old? A twelve-year-old? This song was recorded in 1988, which would have made The Fresh Prince 20 years old. I don't think I have ever, even when I was 12, thought, "You should have seen this girl's bodily dimensions," about a 12 year old. When I was 12, I wasn't thinking that about 12 years old. When I was 20, I didn't come across many 12 year olds, and I certainly didn't drive around town in my 1993 Mercury Tracer trying to pick them up off the street. Not to mention this was a runaway, meaning that this girl was either in week-old clothing or simply down to wearing a potato sack. That is what got The Fresh Prince to think, "Wow, that girl is beautiful. I love her My Little Pony backpack and how she is playing with Barbies on the side of the street." That's way fucked up, and this was a popular song that nobody saw any issues with 25 years ago. This song will never be covered, because the person who sings that would immediately be brought in by the FBI for questioning. Anyway, let's move on...

I was arrested, the car was impounded
There was no way for me to avoid being grounded

GROUNDED? You're worried about being grounded? That should be the least of your worries. In all honesty, you should be ecstatic that you got arrested before you committed statutory rape. I would send those cops a nice fruit basket.

My parents had to come off from vacation to get me
I'd rather be in jail than to have my father hit me

Dude, you have no idea how close you came to finding out that jail is way WAY worse than having your father hit you. Your butt was nearly turned into a community glory hole.

My parents walked in
I got my grip, I said, "Ah, Mom, Dad, how was your trip?"
They didn't speak - I said, "I want to plead my case"
But my father just shoved me in the car by my face
That was a hard ride home, I don't know how I survived
They took turns - one would beat me while the other was driving
I can't believe it, I just made a mistake

No. No no no no no no no. That is not a mistake. Forgetting to lock the door is a mistake. Leaving the windows open with the AC on is a mistake. Nearly committing statutory rape is most certainly not a mistake.

Well parents are the same no matter time nor place
So to you all the kids all across the land
Take it from me, parents just don't understand

Sure, he almost went to jail for 20 years, but you really should have seen this 12 year old's bodily dimensions.

Breaking Down the Lyrics of IMx's "First Time"

In my pursuit to comment on relevant things in the media, I have decided that it is time to look at a song that is over a decade old and probably not all that memorable for most people. The song is by IMx (also known as Immature, something I just found out by looking at their Wikipedia page), and it is called "First Time." If you do not know this song, you are probably in the majority. This song peaked at #69 (LOL) on the hip hop charts. It never even made it to the top 100 on the regular billboard charts. I seriously have no clue why I even have this song on my iPod. I have no idea where I would have even heard this song. I am not and was never hip enough to know anything about Hip Hop. But words cannot express how much I love this song. I have never listened to this song without laughing out loud. The lyrics are so wonderful, and that is why I want to break this song down, so you can enjoy it as much as I do. Before we do, refresh yourself on what a wonderful song it is, or enjoy it for the first time.

Now onto the lyrics:


[x3]
La la la la la la...
la la la la
la la la la la la la..

You know what they're trying to do right here? Set the mood. Ladies and gentleman, I deem this operation a total success.

See, normally a brother wouldn't talk about his first time

Except every guy ever who immediately brags to his friends about how some girl was dumb enough to let him put his weewee in her happy hole. That means penis in vagina for those of you who don't use the mature terminology.

But I'll just be real with y'all and say what's on my mind 
I remember like yesterday, just a little man 

What are we guessing, 14 years old? Is that what qualifies as a little man? It probably does, which means he definitely started before I did. It is amazing how people were so unconcerned about cooties in different parts of the country. I researched the shit out of that before I made any physical contact with a girl.

Had no clue, just quite didn't understand 
Looked up to big bro for a little advice 

Okay, that sounds like a good idea. You are 14, so you probably should ask your big brother if this is a good idea. I am sure your brother shared with you how important sex is, and how this is a really big deal and you need to be careful. I am sure he was very thoughtful with how he chose his words.

He said "Young bro, whatever you do, just make sure you strap twice" 

THAT IS THE BEST ADVICE EVER. What kind of family did this kid come from? Did I miss out by not asking my big bro about sex at a young age? Would he have given this sort of brilliant advice to me? As a 14 year old, would I have known to wear two condoms, or would I have heard enough rap music to think that I should bring two guns, because, you know, bitches be crazy. Looking back, I am very glad that I was not a sexually active 14 year old.

I was a little bit nervous about being my first time 
But I said "What the hell this girl is too damn fine" 

A few years ago, I was looking through my middle school yearbook. I remember who I thought was really hot back then. I looked at the pictures, and let me make an official blog proclamation, no 14 year old girl is "too damn fine."

[Chorus] 
My very first time 
In the house, on the couch, in your parents' bedroom remember 

Why do her parents have a couch in their bedroom? Problems between Mom and Dad? Probably; that's why their daughter is having sex at such an early age. Proper morals start at home. If Dad had to move a couch into the bedroom just so he would have a place to sleep in peace, clearly things are not going well.

My very first time 
Can't wait 'til the day when I see you again remember 

Dude, you probably biked over there. You could see her tomorrow. I wouldn't think that many parents would see a boy come over and immediately think that you had sex with their daughter the day before. Unless they can smell it on you, and seriously, if that is the case, take a shower, you probably smell awful.

My very first time 
It was just as special to me as it was to you girl 
My very first time 
Will never forget my first time 

See it was Sunday afternoon, moms and pops were gone 

Probably having a lovely afternoon at the Home Depot.

We had to be on the low cuz they were on their way home 

You probably should have started shortly after they left. Not right before they were about to get home.

We started kissing then it led straight to the bed 
Can't believe this is happenin' is what I'm thinking in my head 
Lasted like a minute but it seemed like forever 

I really appreciate his honesty. I could write a simliar song, but I'm not sure how I would rhyme with "multiple orgasms." I don't know, maybe, "filled her chasm," but I'm just workshopping right now.

We almost got caught but I'm just too damn clever 

It wasn't your cleverness that got you out of that situation, it was that it lasted a minute. If you could rob a bank in one minute, it would probably be a whole lot easier to get away with it.

Your parents came home from church and i was outta there like a drop of a dime

Woah, woah, woah. Let's slow down here. Her parents weren't at Home Depot; they were at church? She skipped church to bang you for a minute? Shit dude, don't warp it twice, wrap it thrice. Safety first, brah.

Man I will never forget my first time

The sores still haven't gone away, have they?

This goes out to the first do you know 
when will I see you again (see you again) 
And no matter how old we both get no regrets I'll never forget 
My first time 

I'm sure that she has a few regrets. Her one minute of sex just got her a one-way ticket to hell.

[Chorus] 

See some of you might've started early, some of you started late 
But I know when I started, man, I thought it was great 
This goes out to all my little brothers in the world 
Make sure your first time's with that special girl 

The one that requires a double wrap on your dong.

Clap your hands if you remember (clap your hands) 
your first time (first time), your first time (first time) 
Clap your hands (clap your hands with me) 
if you remember your first time (your first time), your first time baby 

You can bet your ass that I clap every time I hear this part of the song, and I would expect you to do the same.

[Chorus x2]

So that is why I love this song so much. It never fails to make me smile. So clap your hands, fill that chasm, and whatever you do, make sure you strap twice.

Take This With A Grain of Salt

Shortest blog post ever today: You know the expression, take this with a grain of salt? I have seen people misusing this saying and sayings like it lately. It does not make your topic less important if you put take this with a thousand truckloads of salt. It's not that salt is bad in this saying, it's that the importance of a grain of salt is meaningless, but a lot of salt would be meaningful. When trying to emphasize your point, it would make more sense to say take this with a thousandth of a grain of salt. That would make sense, but it would make you sound like a pretentious prick, so really, just stick with the classic saying, you're not going to improve on it.

Thank you for your time.

-Joe

P.S. Mark Gormley rocks.