Comparing "The Model" Rick Martel and Tyler Breeze

Tyler Breeze is one of the most consistently entertaining parts of NXT, and that's saying something considering that NXT is super entertaining week in and week out. The easiest comparison is to Derek Zoolander as he sometimes slips into the accent and personality of Zoolander a little too much for his model gimmick. Still, I think it is far more interesting to look at the original male model of the WWE, "The Model" Rick Martel. I will do this by looking at charisma and in-ring ability, but since these men are models, it is only fair to also judge their overall presentation.

Charisma
NXT does a great job of developing characters, and Tyler Breeze is no exception, as he, much like his predecessor, is disgusted by uggos.

It's subtle, but it's wonderful. This is a man who hates playing games, and you could literally say anything to Breeze and he would come back with a lightning quick rebuttal. Still, he is still refining his character, so it can get a little rough around the edges when he goes too far into Zoolander mode.

Meanwhile, Rick Martel was not just a run-of-the-mill model. The man had his own cologne, which is really tough to beat.

Not only does he imply that using Arrogance for Men works like Viagra and will help you make love to members of the royal family, but he also nails it with the line of, "Put the brakes on the mundane, and accelerate into the fast lane." Why the Fast and Furious franchise has not ever used that line is beyond me.
Advantage: Rick Martel

In the Ring
Outside of Mojo Rawley, basically every wrestler today is better than the guys from 20 years ago. That being said, Breeze has been involved in some great matches down on NXT, and although Martel had some solid matches with Jake Roberts, he never really stood out. He was solid, but Breeze is already good and could become better.
Advantage: Tyler Breeze

Presentation
This is really what gives Breeze the true edge. Tyler Breeze is in good shape and has very flashy clothing. Rick Martel had what amounted to flashy clothing back in the day, as he had pink and purple trunks, which is about as flashy as the 90s got. Unfortunately, Martel let himself go and looked out of shape towards the end of his WWE run. Unless, he was planning a gimmick change to "The Hand Model" Rick Martel, he simply can't compete with the gorgeous one.
Advantage: Tyler Breeze

Although it's close, this is a case of the new improving on the old. The original model, Rick Martel, flashed brilliance, but Tyler Breeze's career outlook appears to be simply gorgeous.

Everything You Need To Know About The Furious 7 Trailer

Two minutes and forty-two seconds. It doesn't sound like much time. It is less than 1/20th of an hour. It is only about 1/500th of a day. Overall, that little amount of time really shouldn't matter. Still, any individual second can count, and this weekend, I found something where every one of the 162 seconds matter. The Furious 7 trailer was released, and it is glorious.

Since I am on the verge of dying from anticipation, Lukewarm Jonah sent in his comprehensive breakdown of the Furious 7 trailer:

So I don’t think I’m overstating the fact that the most important event in human history just happened.  The Fast And Furious 7 trailer dropped.  I’m going to break down the trailer with as much detail and thought that a super fan like myself can.

The trailer starts out with Dom (Vin Diesel) talking on the CB radio to his crew.  The shot goes from him, to Letty (Michelle Rodriguez), to Roman (Tyrese) and we hear from Tej (Ludacris) who is asking Roman if he’s freaking out which he clearly is.  Now why is Roman freaking out so much?  I mean they’re all in cars, it’s basically where they live.  It’s no stretch to call them the greatest team of drivers ever.  Roman says he’s not freaking out but Tej calls him out and he and Brian O’ Connor (Paul Walker) have a good laugh.  Roman wants someone to walk him through what they’re supposed to be doing.  Come on Roman know the plan, I mean you’re probably just driving and pulling off a heist or something get those butterflies out of your stomach.  The red light goes off, some sort of rear door opens and we get to see everyone in some sweet rides.

Cut to an exterior shot of an airplane!?  What the hell?  They’re in an airplane?  In cars?  Now this I’ve got to see.  I mean they have a lot of experience in airplaning from the last movie, but I didn’t see any doomsday devices handed out.  O’ Connor says “Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better” to his boy Dom.  Dom says “Here we go” while Roman provides some comic relief by blessing himself.  What is going on here?  Holy shit they throw the cars in reverse and skydive out of a fucking plane, IN CARS!  Parachutes deploy and they make it onto the road no problem.  Tej sums it up better than I ever could, “Hell Yeah!”  I would just like to take a minute and point out that the trailer starts with the crew skydiving out of a plane in cars.  That’s the start, we’re just ramping up from here.

The crew is now driving on a road, all normal like, when they pull up on a bus.  Oh we’ve seen this before.  Clearly they’re going to be taking this bus down.  Are they springing someone from a prison bus?  Pulling off a big heist?  Who knows?  But we all know that if there’s one thing that Dom and the crew can do it’s pretty much anything they want involving moving vehicles.  But “Oh Shiiii….” Tej again has the perfect words for this situation.  The bus presses a magic button and guns come out of the side and start firing.  O’ Connor’s car is lit up with gun fire and he seems to pull off to the side.  But no big deal, reunited lovers Dom and Letty “Hook ‘em up” and fire gatlings into the bus and pull off the back with a little help from Tej’s magic button and the power of brakes.  Dom says Brian is up, but wait a minute I thought he pulled over.

Naw girl, he’s freaking surfing on his bullet hole ridden car while being pushed by Tej’s hummer.  So he hops into the bus taking some chump down in the process.  While it’s not shown, it’s safe to assume he takes down the other jabronis on the bus and shoots a lock on a door, pulls the hood off of some person, and surprise, it’s an attractive female.  Brian, being the all american good guy, tells her they’re going to get her out of there.  She has to jump onto the hood of Dom’s car and really seems to have no problem doing so.  She screams, but I assume Dom uses his super driving skills to chill her out.  But there’s a problem.  With all the jabronis Brian took down, there’s no one driving the bus and it flips!

The bus rides along the road on its side for a little bit before coming to rest.  Whew!  That was a close one.  Oh did I forget to mention that it comes to a rest over the edge of a cliff?  Because that’s exactly what it does.  O’ Connor hops out the door which is the part that’s hanging over a cliff.  He climbs up the side of the bus like a boss but the rocks are starting to crumble.  He breaks out in a dead sprint across the bus while it’s falling over the cliff.  Things look bleak, but Letty is racing towards the bus.  She power slides as Brian is still running across the falling bus.  He leaps and catches the spoiler on Letty’s powersliding car.  Holy shit looks like he made it out of this one safe and sound.  The bus falls off the cliff and all those kidnapping dickheads on board presumably fall to a terrible death.  And that’s the end of the trailer.  Or is it?  It’s not.  No all of this insane action has happened in about the first minute and a half.  How are they going to top all this?  Strap yourself in and get ready for a hell of a ride.

Dom’s on the phone with some limey who killed Han (Sung Kan).  The limey says that Dom doesn’t know him but he’s about to and the scene where he crashes into Han and walks away is shown.  The tea sipper is shown to be Jason Statham.  Dom tells his crew that it looks like the sins of London have followed them home.  Also of note, new rescued girl is with the crew now.

Hobbs (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) makes his first appearance and you know business is about to pick up.  He explains that new foreinger is Owen Shaw’s “Big bad brother.”  Man, Dom and his crew have horrible luck.  It seems like every movie they keep running into someone bigger and badder than before.  I have a theory that Fast 8 will feature Owen’s brother Deckard’s bigger badder cousins, Nic Cage and Jean Claude Van Damme.  Also as you just read, Hobbs’ file contains the name Deckard Shaw, so it’s safe to assume that’s Statham’s character.  We get a couple seconds of Deckard being a badass against some randoms, just to establish how tough he really is.

Tej makes a statement that really sums up what’s going on “We’re being hunted.”  Look I don’t care how tough you are, how tough your brother is, you’re not going to hunt down Dom’s crew.  They show shots of Dom, Hobbs, and O’ Connor getting ready by having some sweet/giant guns and bullet proof vests.  It’s interesting to note that O’Connor is wearing an FBI vest, so at least O’Connor is back on the legit side of the law.  After this, there is a very poignant shot of Dom and O’Connor where Dom states “One last ride.”  Sadly, Walker’s death does mean that this is truly their last ride together.

Cut to shots of insane cars driving… in the desert????  I know it’s the desert because there’s a shot of sand and camels.  What have the guys gotten themselves into now?  Oh there’s an insane party going on with gold painted girls and quite possibly Little John DJing while a bunch of presumably rich people throwing their hands in the air like they just don’t care.  Cut to a shot of the crew dressed to the nines.  Tuxes, suits, dresses, they are straight crushing walking down stairs.

Cut to a shot of a car race, where Dom’s Charger can be seen.  I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that he wins the race.  Good news, there’s also a sweet shot of some booty as a chick bends over and drops the scarf to start the race.  Letty’s driving, then there’s some red and an explosion.  Gunfire in that red building, then cut to a shot of Dom driving his Charger.  Lots of Fast and Furious action going on here.  We see that Dom has a cut on his hand as he shifts, I assume from backhanding some bad guy too much.  The word vengeance hits the screen and we go back to the real star of the movie, Hobbs.

Hobbs utters possibly the greatest line ever spoken by anyone, “Daddy’s got to go to work.”  Oh and work he does.  His arm is in a cast which is very confusing.  My theory is that Shaw blindsided Hobbs just like he did to Han.  Only Shaw was driving a tank, Hobbs was just standing around, and he had just finished drinking a kryptonite smoothie.  Seems like the most logical way Hobbs could end up with a broken arm.  So it’s tough to tell if Hobbs rips the cast off, or just simply flexes and breaks it apart.  But the message is clear, Hobbs doesn’t let a minor setback like broken bones slow him down.  Now he fights some dude with a shaved head that at first I assumed was Shaw, but upon pausing the trailer, it looks like just some random jabroni that a smackdown must be laid down upon.  Hobbs makes this guy look like a punk even with one arm and punches him through a glass window.

We get a shot of Shaw looking tough with a gun, as a familiar voice, Kurt Russell, tells Dom something that sounds like, “This is a world that doesn’t play by your rules.”  Followers of Dom know that he has a code, and spoiler alert, we’ll hear more about that code later on in the trailer.  It’s not all “Show me how and drive and I’ll show you who you are.”

More quick cuts, Shaw shoots a gun, possibly at a sick red car that’s driving in a sick house.  Hobbs is firing a gatling gun, just like Roadblock in GI Joe.  Letty’s in a red dress, Dom’s in a tux with Letty in a red dress, kidnap victim is coming out of the water in a bikini as Roman and Tej look on.  A helicopter flies, O’Connor drives a car like a champ.  Dom and Shaw appear to have samuri swords in each hand as they fly at each other.  Shaw’s sweet ride is wrecked while Dom’s Charger seems to be in pretty solid shape.

The next shot has Shaw against the cement part of a street light with Dom winding up for a home run swing.  Sadly, it appears that Dom is swinging a crowbar and not a samurai sword.  He misses and explodes the concrete.  Smart fans will remember that Dom is especially deadly with wrenches, so it makes sense he’s a complete badass with a crowbar as well.  The trailer then shows shots of Tej, Roman, Letty, and the first shot of Mia (Jordanna Brewster) O’Connor’s wife and Dom’s sister.  She looks concerned, and I mean super concerned.  Kurt Russell’s voice speaks over these shots and tells Dom, “Like it or not, you and your friends are part of this now.”  Dom responds with the wisdom that cannot be taught or learned, it has to be God given.  “I don’t have friends, I got family.”  Boom!  Suck on that Shaw, you and your brother may have been blood, but you don’t have shit on Dom and his family.  Cut to a long shot of O’Connor and Roman in the background.  Furious 7, weird title, coming April 2015.

And that’s your trailer folks.  I’m writing this from my smart phone as I’m already camped out in line for the movie.  If you have any other questions please feel free to ask, because I feel that I’m the foremost expert on all things Fast and or Furious.

A Guy's Review of Every "Step Up" Movie

Step Up seems like a lame movie series that is not made for guys, but I cannot imagine a girl liking these movies half as much as a guy would. It is filled with hot chicks and action sequences, because they don't like to let little things like "coherent plots" get in their way of making a great film. The beauty of these movies is that I watched the first four in a weekend and outside of two characters (Tyler Gage and Moose), I have no idea if any of these people are supposed to be the same person from different movies. The main characters in every movie are Handsome Dude and Hot Brunette. I'm not even sure if they actually have names. I love it, so I feel I need to explain all of the greatness that these movies bring so you can be ready for the fifth installment that comes out on August 8. Since this is a review for guys, I will compare each film to an installment of the Fast and Furious franchise (Step Up is obviously inferior, but it gives you an idea of what you are getting into with each movie, because every red-blooded American has seen all of the Fast and Furious movies).

Step Up - Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
This movie is absolute shit. I can't believe they were able to make a sequel after this pile of garbage. I remember watching the previews for this one and assumed that Step Up movies were awful so I never watched any of them until I came across Step Up 3D (in 2-D). A lot of people mistakenly think this is a quality one because it's got Channing Tatum. It tries to be a real movie, but trust me, it's a giant pile of shit. Just skip to the second one; you won't miss anything.

Step Up 2: Back to the Streets - Fast and Furious 4
This is where they start to figure things out. They are not quite at the level that the following movie will put the series, but they are going in the right direction. The most important change is that they make the transition from classical dance to straight up street dancing. The second most important thing is that this is the movie that introduces us to Moose who is somehow the most important character in this series despite never really being the lead of the movie. He's the glue of the dance crew.
The biggest plot hole is the fact hat this girl does not want to leave Baltimore to go live with her aunt in Texas because all of her friends are in B-More. However, once she gets into the fancy school, all but one of her friends immediately turn their backs on her, so she is left without close friends. So, in the end, she probably should have just moved to Texas.
Still, this movie is almost there. It's got some hilarious street dancing, and they also establish that none of the characters are going to make any sense. Still, it is anchored down by some classical dancing, and they are only dancing for respect. The stakes get progressively higher as these movies go on.

Step Up 3-D - Fast Five
I have already written a whole separate post about this movie, because it's that good. But every time I watch this movie, I think I could easily come up with 2000 new words on it. You know how Fast and the Furious was a semi-realistic movie about racing cars through the first four movies, and then for Fast Five, they just said, "Fuck it," and made it the most awesome thing ever with shit that could never possibly happen in real life. That is basically what happens in Step Up 3-D, except for dancing as opposed to car stunts.

The best exchange of the movie, and a top five exchange in cinematic history:

Cool Guy: You're BFAB.
Moose: What's BFAB?
Cool Guy (casual as fuck): Born From A Boombox

It is very important how casually he says this, and also that he manages to do it with a straight face. It makes me laugh out loud every time I hear it, so it is basically their version of, "Show me how you drive, I'll show you who you are."

One issue is that everyone in this movie is the worst friend ever. Here is how every person treats their supposed best friend.
1. The bad guy in the movie makes his sister infiltrate the rival group, and then exposes her secret to the man she fell in love with.
2. The main girl infiltrated a rival group, gave away their secrets even though she said she cared about them as people. Nobody ever got mad at her for this.
3. The main dude is not innocent. He convinced his best bud (who he had known for about a month), Moose, to skip a test that was worth 25% of his grade, and also convinced him to go to a party and promised he would have him back in time for the party that Moose actually wanted to go to. Moose did not make it in time, because main dude snuck away to make out with main girl for a while.
4. Moose treated his best lady friend horribly as he constantly ignored her throughout the movie, as he only hung out with her when it was convenient for him.
5. Oh, and his best lady friend came up with the idea that her and a friend could be the Olsen Twins, but then Moose showed up, asked her to switch so he could be an Olsen Twin, and she's like, "Okay, I'll screw that girl over," so that girl had to come up with a completely different idea for Halloween. I would feel bad for that girl, but the pattern shows that she was probably a really shitty person to her best friend as well.
6. Finally, the whole dance crew who lives for free where their only responsibilities are to dance and have a good time, get super pissed at the guy when his house and club gets repossessed, because it means they have no place to live. If everyone would have just gotten job, he wouldn't have lost the place, but he was housing a bunch of ungrateful freeloaders. Seriously, this is the worst display of friendship in cinematic history.

But the reason I have written so much about this one is because I fucking love this movie. I laugh, I cheer, I even cover my mouth and go "Oh no he didn't!" If you only watch one Step Up movie, make it this one.

Step Up: Revolution - Fast Six
Where Step Up 3-D (available in 2-D) had to save a dance club/domicile for dancers who refuse to get day jobs, Step Up: Revolution takes it one step further where they must save an entire neighborhood. There are not only houses at stake, but a bar that will give you free drinks if you dance with their unattractive relatives. It is a very important place for poor people who want to live on the ocean in Miami.

Sandy Cohen is a real estate developer and father of the main girl, so he is the one trying to take away their neighborhood. His daughter tries to tell him to pick a different spot, but Sandy Cohen tells his daughter that he doesn't tell her how to dance, so she shouldn't tell him how to run his business. It's a sick burn that puts her in her place.

For the rest of the plot, they learn that it is not enough to dance to get noticed, they need to dance to make a difference. Once they learn that, they are truly unstoppable.

I think my favorite part is where the crew finds out that the new girl in the crew is actually the daughter of the developer that is trying to take their homes. One guy in the crew is like, "Should we talk to Handsome Dude about this?" And the other guy is like, "No, I have a better idea." His idea was to break into a fancy party, cause a shit ton of damage, and make the guests feel like they were about to be murdered. Nobody questioned this plan.

As great as that is, the most hilarious part is when Sandy Cohen tells his daughter, "Don't worry honey, soon we can leave here (Miami) and get back to Cleveland." Yep, Cleveland. You know what the best thing about Cleveland is? I don't have to live there. But it's pretty clear this movie was written by a Cavs fan.

So why write this report now? Two reasons. First off, ABC Family had a marathon of the first three on last weekend, and the fourth one was on demand from one of the premium channels, so I was able to knock them all out within a week. But more importantly, the fifth installment, Step Up: All In comes out August 8, just one month away, and I wanted to give everyone ample time to get amped up for this movie, as it includes All-Stars from the previous movies all coming together for what could be the most epic dance battle yet. Will I see it in the theaters? Probably not...but maybe, and that is saying quite a lot for a dance movie.