Breaking Down the Logan Trailer

(Posted by Lukewarm Jonah)

I’m not one for breaking down trailers.  I mean, I broke down the Fast 7 trailer, but I have to do something in order to keep myself busy in between the release of the greatest movies of all time.  I saw the Logan trailer yesterday, and have watched it a good 10-15 times.  It’s incredible.  It has me unbelievably excited for this movie.

The basic gist of the trailer is that Logan is old now, and just hanging out with Professor X, living in a water tower.  Then somehow Professor X brings along a young mutant girl that Logan is reluctant to look after.  But then some dickheads come along and threaten the innocent girl and Logan has to beat the shit out of them for trying.  It’s a classic hero protects the innocent story but instead of Denzel or Liam Neeson saving the day with karate and/or guns it’s the mother fucking Logan saving the day with adamantium claws and skull fucking bad guys with his adamantium dick.  How can you not be pumped for that movie?  I mean look at Logan’s face when Dickhead McRobotarm puts the cuffs on that little girl.  Logan knows how to respond in that situation.  The proper response is always indestructible claws in your bitch ass cyborg face.  Oh what are you cyborgs going to do shoot him?  Sure his healing factor clearly has gotten worse than it was, but it’s still there.  He’s going to shake those bullets off and knock those stupidly tinted sunglasses off your face.  Anyways, below I’m going to post some potential spoilers on the movie, so if you’re not interested in learning what may happen stop reading.

The very first shot in the trailer is super important and hasn’t really been talked about.  This may come as a surprise but as someone who is obsessed with fantasy sports and professional wrestling, I’m a bit of a nerd.  Logan’s hand is trembling and covered in blood while Professor X asks in a heartbroken tone “Logan, what did you do?”.  What could cause Professor X to be so shocked and so saddened?  Well many people have noted the similarities between this trailer and the “Old Man Logan” story from the comics.  That story starts out with Logan killing the X-Men after being fooled by a powerful illusion.  I believe he may kill at least one of the X-Men, and after this he decides to go off the grid and live by himself so he won’t hurt anyone else again.  It’s very possible the grave he’s at in the trailer is one of his friends who died by his own hands.  It’s possible that his reduced healing and aging and scarring comes from his suicide attempts after he does kill someone he cares about, but he’s simply too powerful to die.

The young girl is almost certainly X-23, either a clone of Logan, or for the movie, another mutant who shares his powers almost exactly.  So she’s not exactly helpless, but she’s just a young girl and she’s going against the Reavers who have the upper hand on her.  Head Reaver Donald Pierce is also wearing some sunglasses that appear to be tinted red or orange.  They remind me of Mr. Sinister’s glasses, so I believe he’s in the movie as well.

I think it’s pretty clear that Professor X is dying in this movie, which will be another reason for Logan to go berserk on these Reaver cyborgs.  Logan loses his “father figure”, becomes a “father figure” to X-23, and I’m betting dies himself, sacrificing himself for the greater good allowing X-23 to live and and lead a new group of superheroes.

I'm Still Mad About Roddy Piper Beating Hulk Hogan At Starrcade 96

I just finished up all the WCW Monday Nitros on WWE Network. First off, WWE, put up at least 1997, because being stuck at this stage is just killing me. It is killing me, because I just watched Starrcade 96, and Roddy Piper somehow got a clean victory where he put Hollywood Hogan to sleep. That is literally the most embarrassing way to lose a match. I thought I remembered this happening, but nearly 20 years later, I was still sick to my stomach watching Piper go clean over Hogan.

Piper is no doubt a legend in pro wrestling, but trying to build up Piper as Hogan's equal is the most asinine comparison in wrestling history. No wrestling fan in history ever saw Piper as Hogan's equal. There are so many guys that would be brought up as Hogan's rival in those days before Piper: Savage, Warrior, Flair, and Andre are at least worthy adversaries. Since Hogan was King of WWE at that time and Piper never had a singles feud against him, he's more on the level of guys like Mr. Perfect. That is not meant as an insult as both Piper and Mr. Perfect were incredible talents that had a ton of influence on the pro wrestling as a whole.

And it's not like Piper was ever a great champion. Yes, he did have the Intercontinental Title, a belt held by guys like Macho Man Randy Savage, Rick Rude, and the Ultimate Warrior. Of course, the title had taken a major step backwards by the time Piper won it, as he beat The Mountie to take the title. That's right, The Mountie.

I think Pat Patterson's win in that tournament in Brazil is a more legitimate run than Piper had. Credit where credit is due, Piper did have a nice run in the NWA where he won the US Title back when that title really meant something, but it never meant nearly as much as any of Hogan's title reigns.

Weirdly, the match wasn't for the title, which I'm not even sure was good, because it meant that the victory meant nothing except for Piper calling himself an icon in every sentence he spoke for the rest of his time in WCW. It was so brutal that I am getting physically ill bringing these memories back. This was well past the point where Piper brought his A-game on the microphone, and Hogan was rarely effective in public speaking, so it lead to a lot of moments that are tough to watch.

Piper may have been great, but he never deserved a clean victory over Hogan (he probably didn't even deserve a dirty win over Hogan). But credit where credit is due; They Live is one of the great films of the 1980s, and that will always give Piper a special place in my heart.

If you're looking for a tl;dr version of this story, this video perfectly sums it up:

My Hot Take on American Sniper

Well, I guess I should start at the most obvious place. I didn't see American Sniper.

Not to brag or anything, but I did read the book. Well, okay, here's why it's not bragging, I only made it about 50 pages into the book, and then I had to stop. People may assume that it got too emotional, and I just couldn't push my way through, but that is not quite the case. The reason I stopped reading is that I found the main character to have no redeemable qualities. He basically just seemed like no person I would ever want to encounter in my life.

Am I saying that he was a bad person? No, I am just saying that he would be a bad person for me to encounter. His ideology is far different than mine, and I likely wouldn't find him enjoyable. He was basically like WWE's Zeb Colter character in that he was an extreme Xenophobe, and without the catchy saying of, "We The People." That type of person isn't nearly as endearing in real life.

But, shit man, if you say anything negative about this guy, people blow up about him being a hero. What he did was incredibly difficult, and there is no way I could do something like that. It would undoubtedly change me for the worst. I have to respect that, but I don't respect it any more than any other military member. It's incredibly brave, and that is why I had ZERO interest in joining any branch of the military. People who just call him an awful person without understanding how that experience would affect a person need to take a step back and think about what he went through.

Speaking of people who think he is a hero: To me (and probably by definition), a hero is someone you want to emulate. So if this guy is your hero, you can join the military if you want. It's super easy as long as you don't have a disability, you're basically good to go. The people who say he's their hero should probably slow their roll.

Overall, there are aspects of Chris Kyle that deserve respect, but saying that his actions in the military make him above reproach is insane. People really want to take hard line stances with their opinions on this movie and Kyle as a whole, but like most things in life, you're best off understanding that the scope of the issue is in the gray area.

I've Become a Snobby Book Person

You know who sucks? The type of person where after you say you enjoyed something, they respond that the movie is not as good as the book. Ugh, that person is the worst.

I am that person.

Now, I will admit that I try to downplay it by saying, "I just couldn't get into it," but inevitably I reveal my true feelings. Moneyball is a great example as people really liked that movie, and at best, I thought it was okay. It doesn't help that I read non-fiction, so I feel offended that they are changing events that actually happened to make a more appealing movie. Case in point: Unless Billy Beane's daughter taught Barry Zito a curveball, I don't need to know about her.

What makes me bring this up is the movie, Unbroken. Basically anybody who reads non-fiction read Unbroken sometime over the last few years. It's an incredible story, and there is no excuse for it to not be a really good movie. Still, there is no chance that I will watch. There will be weird alterations, and I will get angry at the movie for it, so it is best that I just stay away. I loved The Blind Side as a book, but I refused to watch movie, and I feel like that is the best decision I can make.

I can't help but turn up my nose at movies where I have already read the book, but just don't be like that. If you enjoy those movies, enjoy the hell out of them. Movies are pretty great in that you get the basics of the story in two hours instead of six. And the people that brag about how the book is so much better are just annoying douches.

Okay, now I'm going to watch some original television that is not based off books like Game of Thrones...wait, what?

Everything You Need To Know About The Furious 7 Trailer

Two minutes and forty-two seconds. It doesn't sound like much time. It is less than 1/20th of an hour. It is only about 1/500th of a day. Overall, that little amount of time really shouldn't matter. Still, any individual second can count, and this weekend, I found something where every one of the 162 seconds matter. The Furious 7 trailer was released, and it is glorious.

Since I am on the verge of dying from anticipation, Lukewarm Jonah sent in his comprehensive breakdown of the Furious 7 trailer:

So I don’t think I’m overstating the fact that the most important event in human history just happened.  The Fast And Furious 7 trailer dropped.  I’m going to break down the trailer with as much detail and thought that a super fan like myself can.

The trailer starts out with Dom (Vin Diesel) talking on the CB radio to his crew.  The shot goes from him, to Letty (Michelle Rodriguez), to Roman (Tyrese) and we hear from Tej (Ludacris) who is asking Roman if he’s freaking out which he clearly is.  Now why is Roman freaking out so much?  I mean they’re all in cars, it’s basically where they live.  It’s no stretch to call them the greatest team of drivers ever.  Roman says he’s not freaking out but Tej calls him out and he and Brian O’ Connor (Paul Walker) have a good laugh.  Roman wants someone to walk him through what they’re supposed to be doing.  Come on Roman know the plan, I mean you’re probably just driving and pulling off a heist or something get those butterflies out of your stomach.  The red light goes off, some sort of rear door opens and we get to see everyone in some sweet rides.

Cut to an exterior shot of an airplane!?  What the hell?  They’re in an airplane?  In cars?  Now this I’ve got to see.  I mean they have a lot of experience in airplaning from the last movie, but I didn’t see any doomsday devices handed out.  O’ Connor says “Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better” to his boy Dom.  Dom says “Here we go” while Roman provides some comic relief by blessing himself.  What is going on here?  Holy shit they throw the cars in reverse and skydive out of a fucking plane, IN CARS!  Parachutes deploy and they make it onto the road no problem.  Tej sums it up better than I ever could, “Hell Yeah!”  I would just like to take a minute and point out that the trailer starts with the crew skydiving out of a plane in cars.  That’s the start, we’re just ramping up from here.

The crew is now driving on a road, all normal like, when they pull up on a bus.  Oh we’ve seen this before.  Clearly they’re going to be taking this bus down.  Are they springing someone from a prison bus?  Pulling off a big heist?  Who knows?  But we all know that if there’s one thing that Dom and the crew can do it’s pretty much anything they want involving moving vehicles.  But “Oh Shiiii….” Tej again has the perfect words for this situation.  The bus presses a magic button and guns come out of the side and start firing.  O’ Connor’s car is lit up with gun fire and he seems to pull off to the side.  But no big deal, reunited lovers Dom and Letty “Hook ‘em up” and fire gatlings into the bus and pull off the back with a little help from Tej’s magic button and the power of brakes.  Dom says Brian is up, but wait a minute I thought he pulled over.

Naw girl, he’s freaking surfing on his bullet hole ridden car while being pushed by Tej’s hummer.  So he hops into the bus taking some chump down in the process.  While it’s not shown, it’s safe to assume he takes down the other jabronis on the bus and shoots a lock on a door, pulls the hood off of some person, and surprise, it’s an attractive female.  Brian, being the all american good guy, tells her they’re going to get her out of there.  She has to jump onto the hood of Dom’s car and really seems to have no problem doing so.  She screams, but I assume Dom uses his super driving skills to chill her out.  But there’s a problem.  With all the jabronis Brian took down, there’s no one driving the bus and it flips!

The bus rides along the road on its side for a little bit before coming to rest.  Whew!  That was a close one.  Oh did I forget to mention that it comes to a rest over the edge of a cliff?  Because that’s exactly what it does.  O’ Connor hops out the door which is the part that’s hanging over a cliff.  He climbs up the side of the bus like a boss but the rocks are starting to crumble.  He breaks out in a dead sprint across the bus while it’s falling over the cliff.  Things look bleak, but Letty is racing towards the bus.  She power slides as Brian is still running across the falling bus.  He leaps and catches the spoiler on Letty’s powersliding car.  Holy shit looks like he made it out of this one safe and sound.  The bus falls off the cliff and all those kidnapping dickheads on board presumably fall to a terrible death.  And that’s the end of the trailer.  Or is it?  It’s not.  No all of this insane action has happened in about the first minute and a half.  How are they going to top all this?  Strap yourself in and get ready for a hell of a ride.

Dom’s on the phone with some limey who killed Han (Sung Kan).  The limey says that Dom doesn’t know him but he’s about to and the scene where he crashes into Han and walks away is shown.  The tea sipper is shown to be Jason Statham.  Dom tells his crew that it looks like the sins of London have followed them home.  Also of note, new rescued girl is with the crew now.

Hobbs (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) makes his first appearance and you know business is about to pick up.  He explains that new foreinger is Owen Shaw’s “Big bad brother.”  Man, Dom and his crew have horrible luck.  It seems like every movie they keep running into someone bigger and badder than before.  I have a theory that Fast 8 will feature Owen’s brother Deckard’s bigger badder cousins, Nic Cage and Jean Claude Van Damme.  Also as you just read, Hobbs’ file contains the name Deckard Shaw, so it’s safe to assume that’s Statham’s character.  We get a couple seconds of Deckard being a badass against some randoms, just to establish how tough he really is.

Tej makes a statement that really sums up what’s going on “We’re being hunted.”  Look I don’t care how tough you are, how tough your brother is, you’re not going to hunt down Dom’s crew.  They show shots of Dom, Hobbs, and O’ Connor getting ready by having some sweet/giant guns and bullet proof vests.  It’s interesting to note that O’Connor is wearing an FBI vest, so at least O’Connor is back on the legit side of the law.  After this, there is a very poignant shot of Dom and O’Connor where Dom states “One last ride.”  Sadly, Walker’s death does mean that this is truly their last ride together.

Cut to shots of insane cars driving… in the desert????  I know it’s the desert because there’s a shot of sand and camels.  What have the guys gotten themselves into now?  Oh there’s an insane party going on with gold painted girls and quite possibly Little John DJing while a bunch of presumably rich people throwing their hands in the air like they just don’t care.  Cut to a shot of the crew dressed to the nines.  Tuxes, suits, dresses, they are straight crushing walking down stairs.

Cut to a shot of a car race, where Dom’s Charger can be seen.  I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that he wins the race.  Good news, there’s also a sweet shot of some booty as a chick bends over and drops the scarf to start the race.  Letty’s driving, then there’s some red and an explosion.  Gunfire in that red building, then cut to a shot of Dom driving his Charger.  Lots of Fast and Furious action going on here.  We see that Dom has a cut on his hand as he shifts, I assume from backhanding some bad guy too much.  The word vengeance hits the screen and we go back to the real star of the movie, Hobbs.

Hobbs utters possibly the greatest line ever spoken by anyone, “Daddy’s got to go to work.”  Oh and work he does.  His arm is in a cast which is very confusing.  My theory is that Shaw blindsided Hobbs just like he did to Han.  Only Shaw was driving a tank, Hobbs was just standing around, and he had just finished drinking a kryptonite smoothie.  Seems like the most logical way Hobbs could end up with a broken arm.  So it’s tough to tell if Hobbs rips the cast off, or just simply flexes and breaks it apart.  But the message is clear, Hobbs doesn’t let a minor setback like broken bones slow him down.  Now he fights some dude with a shaved head that at first I assumed was Shaw, but upon pausing the trailer, it looks like just some random jabroni that a smackdown must be laid down upon.  Hobbs makes this guy look like a punk even with one arm and punches him through a glass window.

We get a shot of Shaw looking tough with a gun, as a familiar voice, Kurt Russell, tells Dom something that sounds like, “This is a world that doesn’t play by your rules.”  Followers of Dom know that he has a code, and spoiler alert, we’ll hear more about that code later on in the trailer.  It’s not all “Show me how and drive and I’ll show you who you are.”

More quick cuts, Shaw shoots a gun, possibly at a sick red car that’s driving in a sick house.  Hobbs is firing a gatling gun, just like Roadblock in GI Joe.  Letty’s in a red dress, Dom’s in a tux with Letty in a red dress, kidnap victim is coming out of the water in a bikini as Roman and Tej look on.  A helicopter flies, O’Connor drives a car like a champ.  Dom and Shaw appear to have samuri swords in each hand as they fly at each other.  Shaw’s sweet ride is wrecked while Dom’s Charger seems to be in pretty solid shape.

The next shot has Shaw against the cement part of a street light with Dom winding up for a home run swing.  Sadly, it appears that Dom is swinging a crowbar and not a samurai sword.  He misses and explodes the concrete.  Smart fans will remember that Dom is especially deadly with wrenches, so it makes sense he’s a complete badass with a crowbar as well.  The trailer then shows shots of Tej, Roman, Letty, and the first shot of Mia (Jordanna Brewster) O’Connor’s wife and Dom’s sister.  She looks concerned, and I mean super concerned.  Kurt Russell’s voice speaks over these shots and tells Dom, “Like it or not, you and your friends are part of this now.”  Dom responds with the wisdom that cannot be taught or learned, it has to be God given.  “I don’t have friends, I got family.”  Boom!  Suck on that Shaw, you and your brother may have been blood, but you don’t have shit on Dom and his family.  Cut to a long shot of O’Connor and Roman in the background.  Furious 7, weird title, coming April 2015.

And that’s your trailer folks.  I’m writing this from my smart phone as I’m already camped out in line for the movie.  If you have any other questions please feel free to ask, because I feel that I’m the foremost expert on all things Fast and or Furious.

How the WWE Network Could Change Television Forever

The WWE announced last night that it would be starting a streaming service for $9.99 a month. With it, they are creating exclusive content and make it possible for fans to stream a huge variety of content from the past. The biggest news about the service is that it will also stream all of WWE's PPVs. Since a PPV runs about $50 these days, a fan who buys two PPVs is nearly at the break even point, and a fan who purchases three would be crazy not to sign up for the service.

It makes a ton of sense for the WWE. Instead of sharing profits with the cable company, WWE takes home everything. Yes, there's more overhead, but I'm someone who has not bought a PPV in a while, but will strongly consider this package as it makes a lot of sense. I believe there are a lot of fans who pick and choose PPVs, especially those who only care about WrestleMania, Royal Rumble, and maybe SummerSlam or Money in the Bank. Even if they are only getting those first two, it makes sense to purchase this service.

WWE is consistently ahead of the curve when it comes to utilizing technology, and I can definitely see others following their lead in the future. The first company that comes to mind is the UFC. These are very similar companies in that they both have monthly PPVs with a fan base that will pick and choose depending on how the main events look. The UFC recently introduced an on-demand service for classic fights which is one large part of what the WWE service looks like. However, it seems like the current service only appeals to hardcore fans. They would get a huge uptick in sales if they were willing to add in the PPVs with the service. They could also up the cost of the service to make it more financially appealing, but I do think this business model has potential.

Finally, I may sound ignorant on this last part, as I am not sure how the money is split between production companies and cable providers, but on demand movies is another place where this could be an option. Instead of paying $6 a movie, a $15-$20 service that included all new movies may be financially viable to increase revenue.

If those options all follow the WWE's lead, what is PPV left with? Boxing and pornography. The porn numbers have to be down with how easy it is to stream pornography from a variety of websites. And boxing has 1-2 fights a year that actually get mainstream press coverage. I don't know how or why the PPV model exists at that point. It's something that appeals to a niche audience, and that niche may be shrinking by quite a bit.

Although I think it is a far ways down the road, this may also be the end of cable companies bundling channels. People are getting more and more comfortable with technology, and with smart TVs, it will be very easy to use your big screen TV as an internet device without having to plug in a computer. Why not just pick and choose what you want. Sure, you may pay a premium to have that option, but by not paying for hundreds of channels you never watch, many people would still come out ahead. Outside of channels that show sports, the only channels that I really need off the top of my head are FXX and Comedy Central. I'm sure there are plenty of people who have similar tastes.

Even though the WWE only appeals to a small part of the population, this was actually very big news for anyone who watches television as it cold have a domino effect that changes the way everyone consumes television.

Paul Walker, We Hardly Knew Ye

I was at a wedding reception on Saturday when I heard the news. A friend texted me that he didn't want to ruin my night, but Paul Walker died in a car crash. At first, I thought it was ridiculous that this would somehow alter my night, but it did kind of hit me. I don't know Paul Walker in any significant way outside of his roles as Lance Harbor, Dean Sampson, and Brian O'Conner. The latter role has had a much larger impact as the last two Fast movies have been two of my favorite movies ever made.

What may have been most interesting is what followed when I heard the news. Despite hearing from a friend that some media outlets (mainly TMZ) were reporting his death, I wasn't totally convinced (and neither was he, for that matter). I quickly tried to confirm the news as there were varying reports on whether it was a hoax or whether it was true. Finally, the evidence piled up and it appeared that it was true. The bad part of the internet is that death hoaxes are prevalent, but the good part is that you can actually confirm the truth. The internet definitely didn't invent the death hoax as there are still people out there that think the original Ultimate Warrior is dead, but there has only been one, and he's alive and making insane YouTube videos.

There is no doubt that this was sad. Outside of the most awful people in the world, anytime someone dies young, it is a sad occurrence. I am bummed out by this news, but only in the most selfish of ways. They were currently filming Fast 7, and had already signed on for 8, 9, and 10. I love those movies (Fast Five is the only movie I have ever seen twice in the theaters), and even if they follow through on all of them, it won't be the same without PW involved. I didn't know Paul Walker, so I can't really vouch for him as a person, but I never heard anything bad about him. And with the overreporting on Hollywood stars, that is an accomplishment in and of itself.

So good for you, Paul Walker. Between Varsity Blues, She's All That, and the Fast and Furious franchise, you have been in some fantastic films. And the good news is that in Heaven, you won't tear your ACL, you'll win the bet to make sure that nerdy girl never becomes Prom Queen, and you can rest easy that Dom didn't let you win, you won it fair and square.

Everything You Need To Know About The Movie "Syrup"

On my way back from my honeymoon, I had an 8 hour flight back to the good ol' USA. This led to me having a lot of free time, so I saw what Aer Lingus would provide for entertainment. It was awful. After watching the one episode of Dog with a Blog they had, I decided to give the movie Syrup a try. This would not be a good decision.

The movie is about marketing, so everybody comes up with names to help market themselves because before you market a product, you have to market yourself. I swear to God I am not lying about any of these names/reasoning behind these names.

First off, there is the roommate of the main character, and his brilliant name to market himself, that will blow the doors off the world, is...Pete. Pete doesn't need a great name, because Pete never says anything. Never speaks; that's his thing. Some refer to him as Sneaky Pete, but we'll get into that later.

Next is our main lady, and her name is Six. Her name is Six, because it sounds like Sex. So dudes get boners when they think of her name. When I was a horny teenager, I used to count, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, and then I would just pre my pants. It's impossible to not equate it to sex.

Another lady starts working, and her name is Three. Three is half of six, and that really pisses Six off. Apparently the smaller number is better? If I become a douchey marketing person, my name will definitely just be Decimal.

By the way, they did an excellent job of casting the ladies in this movie. Six was the main girl from Never Back Down, which was hilariously bad. And Three is the main gal from John Tucker Must Die, which was hilariously awesome. 

Why have I not brought up the main character yet? Oh, because his name is the best. And by best, I mean the worst. And by worst, I mean, I would have trouble trying to come up with a worse name that is not blatantly racist. Our main character's name is, drumroll please...Scat. Yes, Scat, like the shit porn. Because making people think of shit porn is a great way to market yourself. What really angered me is that there is one way to make it worthwhile, and they never mentioned it. "My friends call me Scat, because I'm the shit." Nope, they never used that line.

Luckily, Scat has this brilliant idea. He is got the perfect marketing campaign for an energy drink. He doesn't have a flavor or really know anything about energy drinks, but that doesn't matter. His brilliant idea? Call the drink Fukk. Yep, that's his stupid ass idea. Luckily, Six loves it, because they are apparently both mildly retarded teenagers despite being in adult bodies, so he is going to become very rich off of it.

He then has his “great” idea stolen by his roommate, Pete, because he apparently went to the copyright office before Scat thought of that idea. This leads to Pete getting hired and eventually taking Six's job...by never saying a word. Now you should understand why he is called Sneaky Pete.

Although Six gets demoted, she still has a job there, and she needs to come up with a great ad campaign. Luckily, a vending machine falls on Scat, and he suffers no injuries, but they do get a great idea for an ad campaign. They show an animation of kids having vending machines falling on them, with the tag line, "What would you do for a fukk?" Surely, it can't get worse, right? Haha, oh, it's getting way worse, because they also decided to hire a spokesperson. Now if you were going to sell sex in an ad, the woman you would hire would probably be in their 20s, right? This woman isn't in here 20s. She isn't in her 30s. She isn't in her 40s. That's right, she's in her...wait, nope, this woman is not even in her 50s. It is 62 year-old, weight rollercoaster, Kirstie Alley.

Needless to say, sales for the demographic of Grandma Fuckers went through the roof.

Unfortunately, a boy is encouraged by the ads and gets crushed by a vending machine and dies. They go to the funeral when Scat realizes that everyone who is there is an actor, and there is no dead body, because Sneaky Pete created a boy out of thin air to kill him by a vending machine to hurt Six's and Scat's ad campaign for the product that he got credit for creating. Pete says nothing and Scat gets fired, because...I don't know, maybe the heads of the company loved The Sixth Sense.

I really started to get worn down at this point, but Scat and Six join a rival firm and come up with a drink called Average Kok. It obviously becomes the biggest thing ever, and a kid really does kill himself. Scat goes on TV to talk about how awesome his ad campaign is to want someone to want a drink so badly, so he brags about the death of a child, and he's now a hero?

Without anything else happening, and I need to stress that. He goes from bragging about a child's death to a moment where Scat reveals his name as Michael to Six. Six says her name is Six, and Michael leaves her, because she is not a real person.

So why did I watch this movie? Eh, I got a half hour in, and the two females are attractive, so there’s worse things to do on a plane. Not many but still.

I really wish the plane would have had more episodes of Dog with a Blog.

Let's Talk About the Film "The Reunion"

So the movie starts off with some spoiled rich kid trying to attain his father's love and attention. His Dad is more concerned with making money than his son, so no luck for the little guy. Still, it seems like there are way too many movies about rich kids not being able to get love from their parents. At least they have money, so the kid can find comfort in hookers and blow.

The second scene is way better as this guy is leaving jail and gets a standing ovation from all of the prisoners. Basically, he has to be the coolest dude in all of Dudelandia.

Money Making Dad gets kidnapped.

Cool Guy is brothers with Preston Meyers from Can't Hardly Wait and John Cena. Their sister is Amy Smart. Their father died, and he has $12 million to give his family, but only if they run a business together for two years.

The bros go to a strip club to get started on their new business. Then the hot stripper they question decides to have a rendezvous with Cool Guy. Nice job, Cool Guy. Unfortunately, that stripper was married to a bad guy who tries to kill Cool Guy. Cena steps in and gives him an Attitude Adjustment with a bullet to the back of the head.

They go to Mexico to find bad guys, but Cool Guy still has game down there, as some half Mexican, half American Indian lady takes a fancy to him. Some bad dude kills that girl's grandfather. This makes her join the team, so they can take down the bad guys together.

Cool Guy is a world class lovemaker, because he is acutely aware of a woman's every need. Preston Meyers is confused by lady orgasms.

John Cena starts dressing like this to remain incognito...

Seriously.

So these guys are trying to find Money Making Dad to try to get the reward, but MMD is not a good guy, so it does leave you rooting against them in that sense. Especially since they have $12 million coming to them as long as they start a business together. Just start a bar. They could alternate the nights they work. Even if they lost a bunch of money, they could just call Jon Taffer to come in and Bar Rescue them.

Cool Guy is also a horse whisperer, because he listens to the lady horse's vagina.

Then it turns out there was no money. Amy Smart lied to her brothers. They were mad for 30 seconds before they decided it was cool, because now they're buddies, and now they are going into business together out of love instead of money.

The End.

Conclusion: This is not a good movie, but it's also not a regrettable movie. That leaves it in the upper end of WWE movies.

Oscar Spoilers for 2014

Note: This is an article courtesy of Lukewarm Jonah. Check out his other work by clicking the label at the bottom of the article.

I was in an Oscar pool with a film critic friend of mine and was not happy when I got beat.  I’m a competitor, even in stupid things like picking the Oscars.  For mine and everyone’s benefit I’ve decided to break down the probable nominees and winners.  Use this information wisely and you can win some serious dough as well as impressing all your friends at the next Oscars.

Best Picture:

Snitch

GI Joe: Retaliation

Pain and Gain

Fast 6

Empire State (Not the stupid Zach Braff movie)

Probable winner: Fast 6.  No real drama here, I’m sure all these movies will have their strong suits, but there is no way Fast 6 can lose.

Best Leading Actor:

The Rock- GI Joe: Retaliation

The Rock- Snitch

The Rock- Pain and Gain

The Rock- Empire State

Vin Diesel- Fast 6

Probable winner: The Rock, Snitch.  The Rock really plays outside character in this role by not single handedly taking down the entire country of Columbia, and is actually shown to be vulnerable, even getting beaten up.  The Academy has to respect that kind of range.  If you’re looking for a sleeper, Vin Diesel could steal it from The Rock in Fast 6 because you know that the Academy is going to want to give that movie as many awards as possible.

Best Supporting Actor:

The Rock- Fast 6

Marky Mark- Pain and Gain

Ludacris- Fast 6

Roddy Piper- Fast 6 (Probably)

Liam Hemsworth- Empire State

Mankind- Martin Luther King Day

Tyrese- Fast 6

Kurt Angle- Pain and Gain

Probable Winner: The Rock.  He’s the best actor in the best movie of the year.  When they announce this category at the Oscars, they’ll just invite The Rock to sit on stage while the nominees are read.  Biggest gimmee pick of the year.

Best Actress:

Michelle Rodriguez- Fast 6

Adrienne Palacki- GI Joe: Retaliation

Jordanna Brewster- Fast 6

Rebel Wilson- Pain and Gain

Emma Roberts- Empire State

Jennifer Lawrence- Anything

Probable Winner: Emma Roberts, Empire State.  The Fast 6 run comes to a halt in the night’s biggest upset so far.  Emma Roberts is fantastic, and you pair her up with the Rock and she’s going to be making it rain with awards.

Best Supporting Actress:

Susan Sarandon- Snitch

Vivi Pineda- Pain and Gain

Gina Carano- Fast 6

Nikki Reed- Empire State

Elodie Yung- GI Joe: Retaliation

Jennifer Lawrence- Anything

Probable winner: Susan Sarandon, Snitch.  Classically trained actress playing opposite the Rock in a somewhat adversarial role?  That’s bigger Oscar gold than a movie about World War II.  Carano won’t win even though it’s Fast 6, not in her first outing anyways.    

Best Director:

Dito Montiel- Empire State

Michael Bay- Pain and Gain

Justin Lin- Fast 6

Ric Roman Waugh- Snitch

Jon Chu- GI Joe: Retaliation

Probable Winner: Justin Lin.  Honestly, this is a choice that I’m going against the academy on.  I mean all Lin had to do every day was show up and tell his all star cast to be awesome.  Seems like an incredibly easy directing job, but the smart money is on him taking home that gold statue.  Ric Roman Waugh should win for not directing the Rock to destroy everyone in sight.

So there you have your probable 2014 Oscar picks, I’ve got an in on the Academy and I can pretty much guarantee these nominees and winners.  The only real question left is whether the Rock will Rock Bottom anyone at the 2014 Oscars, John Malkovich I’m looking your way.

American Ninja: Cinema's Hidden Gem

A friend recently encouraged me to check out the movie American Ninja. By encourage, I mean that he brought over American Ninja 1-3 on DVD and told me that I had to check it out as these were his favorite movies growing up. I know that when I heard American Ninja, I assumed it must be a Chuck Norris film, but they went one better and got Michael Dudikoff. You may remember him as Conscript #2 in TRON. If that doesn't ring a bell, then you will definitely remember him in the smash hit, The Ringmaster, starring Jerry Springer, where Dudikoff played Rusty. Anyway, look at how badass he is on the cover.

Look how big his fists are, or how tiny his head is, either way, he will be very dangerous as he will hit hard or easily dodge punches designed for people with normal-sized heads. Two more things; first is that his name is Joe in this movie, because it is impossible to come up with a more badass sounding name. Second, expect a lot of spoilers, because I do not expect anyone to go out and watch this movie after this.

We see our hero all by his lonesome, playing with his switchblade while everyone else is playing hacky sack. He’s a part of the Army, but you can tell that he doesn’t quite fit in. Some hot chick came out, and everyone was impressed, everyone but the American Ninja. It is clear that his boner only gets hard by killing bad guys.

The Army bros get attacked by a group of Asian militants. Everyone keeps their cool and allows these terrorists to steal all of their supplies. That is, everyone but Joe. The American Ninja starts fighting a bunch of them, and all of these Asians refuse to use their guns. The hot chick takes a car and speeds away, but first she inexplicably stops, waits for her tire to get shot out, and then attempts to speed away, causing her to flip the vehicle. Women drivers, AMIRITE?

Anyway, these militants will only use their guns for long range shooting, so the military ends up kicking all of their asses. The Americans steal the guns, which looks like a good thing until Ninjas pop up out nowhere and start hauling ass on the Americans. Joe saves the girl’s life from the ninjas, and the ninja leader is impressed, as he states, “He possess great skirrs.”

When Joe is helping Patricia (Hot Chick's name), the movie really shines, because it is horribly offensive to women. She is complaining about not being able to run, so he breaks the heels off her shoes, and she is pissed. Ninjas are hunting her down, and she is worried about keeping her heels in tack. She then claims that she would rather be killed by ninjas than jump in a dirty river, but he makes her jump in anyway. She gets out of the water and wants a comb, because her clothes and hair are wet. So yeah, this movie wasn’t real progressive on equality.

We then find out that a Frenchie is behind the Ninjas. The Frenchie tells the head Ninja to kill our hero, and Black Style Ninja is pumped. What is a Black Style Ninja, you ask? Well, it is the only Ninja who has reached the highest rank that. This Ninja is the only one of that rank outside of Japan, so yeah, he's a pretty bad dude. We also get to see the Ninja training facility, and it looks like an episode of Ninja Warrior.

I'm not sure if that makes it more or less legit. One thing is for sure, ninjas love monkey bars.

Jackson is a drill sergeant that is pissed about Joe's antics, so he calls out Joe to fight him. Jackson is black, so you know that he is tough. He keeps asking Joe if he’s a badass, then accuses him of being a glory boy. Finally, they fight, and Jackson gets his ass handed to him. Jackson tries like six different moves and gets owned every time. It got so bad that Jackson took a club, while Joe put a bucket over his own head, and Joe still owned him.

Jackson asked him where he learned that stuff, but Joe had amnesia, so he has no memory. All he knows are ninja moves.

Jackson has the best plan ever when he suggests that him and Joe become professional wrestlers. i repeat, Jackson just suggested that they become PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS. Just in case you are still skimming through, JACKSON JUST SUGGESTED THAT THEY BECOME PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS. That is just...perfect. Unfortunately, Joe doesn't like crowds.

One thing Joe does like is hot babes, like Patricia. You see, she's a hot babe, and Joe likes her. Charlie, who changes opinions on a whim, helps Joe sneak off base to meet her. Charlie may be the best character in this movie. He is completely full of shit and says that chicks are always after his nuts and he's a world famous surfer back home in California. I don't trust Charlie, but I want to party with him.

Senor Ortega is the main boss, so apparently he’s not French. Whoops. I thought he sounded more like Jacques Rougeau than Alberto Del Rio. And yes, pro wrestling is the only way that I can tell foreigners apart.

We also find the US Army Sergeant and Colonel are working for Ortega, and that is why they have been so hard on Joe. The Sergeant tells him to report to a warehouse, but there are like a half dozen, a dozen, two dozen, 30 ninjas waiting for him. No big deal, Joe killed them all. The ninjas did many fancy flips, but Joe just kept stabbing them when they got close, which those ninjas were not prepared for. They even tried the cargo net trick, but that only works on Sting. He stabbed like 20 ninjas with the same sword but never got blood on it, so that’s something.

Joe gets thrown in Army Jail, and the Black Sword ninja goes to try and kill him. The Black Style Ninja runs like a total fairy. He is a big time prancer. No way an American Ninja gets taken out by this wuss.

The Military is about to take him in for murder, but he jumps over a couch to escape. Seriously. He jumped over a couch, busted through a window, and everyone in the military was left standing on the other side of the couch, unable to give chase. They had to take the long way to try to catch him. The Sergeant was giving chase, went off the road, yelled no, drove for a few more seconds, ran into a small tree, and then BOOM! His jeep exploded and he was blown to smithereens.

There were approximately 200 people stabbed in this movie. I saw blood once. There was a guy with a Chinese star sticking out of his head, and there was no blood. I just thought that should be mentioned.

Black Power Ninja killed American Ninja’s mentor. Shit is about to get real. Jackson came in to help, and you best believe that he is only wearing a camo tanktop and shooting everything in sight. He also has a fight with a large Asian dude where both of their primary offensive moves involved striking their opponent in the groin. Jackson keeps it real.

Eventually, American Ninja kills all the bad guys. All of them except for Ortega. Jackson, take it away.

KABOOM! I know what you're thinking, how can you watch this movie? Good news, here is the link for American Ninja, and movies 2-4 are also currently available for free on YouTube. Looks like I've got my next six hours planned out.

The Most Important Screenshot On The Internet

There it is. Taken from the Fast and the Furious Six trailer. That is Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) holding up some musclebound bad guy, so that Luke Hobbs (The Rock) can fly through and clothesline him. Words...cannot...do...this...picture...justice. It's perfect. I'm going to try my best to break it down.

Where are they? Possibly inside of a plane? A storage unit? Just a random building full of bad guys? I'm going with plane due to the rest of the preview, and there may be parachutes along the wall.

How did Hobbs get that much air? Look at the bottom left corner, did Hobbs jump off a trampoline to do this? I think there is a trampoline next to that SUV. Why is there a trampoline next to an SUV? Because it's awesome.

Look at all the carnage that has already been done. What did those wood splinters make up before it was destroyed by unstoppable violence? It could have been anything. Was it just an empty crate? It could have been a box full of steroids judging by the bad guy. My best guess is a "rock"ing chair.

If there is any justice in the world, this movie will break every box office record imaginable. I can't wait.

The 11 Most Awesome Parts Of "Raw Deal"

Raw Deal is a movie made in 1986 that stars Arnold Schwarzenegger. This was the movie he made between Commando and Predator, my two favorite Arnold movies. I happened to come across it one day on Showtime. I watched about five minutes before deciding that I needed to get it on the DVR so I could watch it from the beginning. This turned out to be a great decision. It is not nearly as good as Commando or Predator, but it still has some awesome parts. Let's go through those. Also, for those planning on watching movies 26 year old movies, there are some spoilers in here.

1. It starts off with two guys playing Trivial Pursuit, because this is a thinking man's movie.

Guy 1: How many times was John Wayne nominated for an Academy Award?
Guy 2: Probably not enough.

And Guy 1 gave him credit for this answer in Trivial Pursuit. They were then all murdered, probably for being bad at Trivial Pursuit.

2. A villain made a guy stare in the mirror with a gun to the back of his head. Said, “So you want to be a witness, witness this.” Because he saw himself being murdered. That was totally badass.

3. Arnold is chasing a guy on a motorcylcle in his Jeep. It’s basically like Dukes of Hazzard meets Tokyo Drift, only with motorcycles. Motorcycle guy appears to get away, but Arnold knew a shortcut, and waited for him to drive by so he could set the road on fire with gasoline and his cigar. The plan works to perfection, and it is totally awesome. Let's face it, setting people on fire is always awesome.

4. Arnold’s got a nagging wife. She is only in this one scene, but it is definitely the best scene of the movie. It's probably one of the ten best scenes in cinematic history. Enjoy.


5. Some bigshot at the FBI reaches out to Arnold, because his son got killed. If Arnold completes his mission, he'll be back in the FBI. Arnold’s first order of business is obvious. He goes to a shut down power plant and basically sets off a nuclear bomb by setting that thing on fire. This seems like a pretty over-the-top of way of faking his death, but now he is free to infiltrate the mob. His drunk wife will probably be busy putting hilarious words on cakes.

6. Arnold is now slicking back his hair. He goes to a shady gambling hall looking like a high roller. He then acuses them of having a tilted craps table. He proves it, and then says, “Magic…or MAGNET!” while flipping over the table and then hauling ass on a bunch of bad guys. Somehow, nobody in an illegal gambling parlor has any guns handy. He then goes outside. The bad guys think it’s over. The bad guys are wrong. Arnold drives a tow truck straight through their building. And I do mean straight through. He goes in one side and out the other with no problems. There is no way that building was up to code.

7. Arnold goes to an exclusive, classy, gambling place and obviously just owns at the Blackjack table. I don’t know why he didn’t do this when he was a lowly sheriff, probably could have led a much happier life. He makes a ton of money, and then just hands all of his chips to the blonde sitting next to him

8. I would like to point out that there is nothing related to this scene later in the movie. It ends, and we accept what the P in Joseph P. Brenner stands for.


9. WARNING: They go to a strip club, and I’m like, wow, that broad is ugly. Then I realized they were in a crossdressing strip club, so, needless to say, I was happy I wasn’t attracted to any of the strippers. This would be a great time to trick a buddy into saying that the girl is hot, just so he isn't called a "Fagmo" for not liking strippers. That would be the mature thing to do.

10. Arnold blasts the window out of his car, and then proceeds to pop in a cassette, so he can play the Rolling Stones, “Satisfaction.” You bet your ass that he proceeds to go on a killing spree. He never even looks at his target, just points, shoots, and kills.

11. Arnold ends the movie by inspiring a cripple to walk. I’m not joking. You don't believe me? Well, let's go to the video:

Yeah, this movie is awesome.

All 13 Pranks In the Movie, The Prankster

I love teen comedies. I am not going to deny this. Most of them are god awful, but I cannot help but watch every single one that I come across. Teen comedies are my second favorite genre of film, right behind Vin Diesel movies. Nobody can top the Diesel. But teen comedies are easier to write about, as I have done so with Frat Party, MILF, and College. In this one, there is a group of diverse individuals who are The Pranksters. They perform really funny tricks on people who deserve it, because although they have a good sense of humor, they are noble and shit too. I am going to go over every prank in the movie to show how you how funny these dudes (and dudette) are.

Prank 1:
Their first prank is a real knee slapper. They alter the mic so the Dean (of their high school) has a super high pitched voice. Then they manage to drop down a big button that says "Do Not Press The Button." The Dean is so pissed about his mic that he presses the button. BIG MISTAKE. A giant screen drops down that has a fat black woman dancing on the screen in skimpy clothing. Everyone in the high school is rolling on the floor laughing, because fat people + skimpy clothing + minorities = major giggles.

Prank 2:
They put a fake name on a teacher's roll call. The teacher tries taking attendance for a Mungus, a Hugh Mungus! Great job, fellas.

Prank 1 by The Jocks:
I guess I should include the pranks by The Jocks as well, even though they are mean spirited and definitely NOT funny like The Pranksters. The jocks don't even look like jocks. It's just a fat kid, two nerdy buddies, and a 30 year-old black dude who wears a gold chain. I decided to look up the black guy and his name is Big Spence. This is important, because Big Spence acted in a movie called Tetherball: The Movie. Here is the poster for Tetherball: The Movie.

Yep, Ron Jeremy, Screech, and Dan "The Beast" Severn. Why did nobody tell me this movie existed?

Anyway, back to the jock prank. They pull down one of the Prankster's shorts, which is ONLY funny if the Harlem Globetrotters do it. When the Globetrotters do it, I have trouble breathing, because I start laughing so hard that I can get the air to go out, but I can't get the air to come back in, because of all the laughs that I am having.

Prank 3:
To get back at the jocks, they messed with the fat kid by altering his driver's test simulation. At first, they just made him fail, but then they made him run over children before getting launched into outer space. He was dodging the simulated space lasers, which was soooooooooooooo funny. He was super pissed when he found out it was The Pranksters who did it.

Prank 4:
They had the girl Prankster write a love letter to the Dean that was from the French teacher. Then they wrote a love letter to the French teacher from the Dean. This is the first cliffhanger prank, but don't worry, major laughs are forthcoming when we get to Prank 8.

Prank 5:
They change an article about the hot cheerleader from a story to her being a Senior Superstar to it being a question whether she is real or store bought? HA! That is rich. The hot cheerleader screams when she sees the article, which is another point in the movie where we laugh at how funny it is.

Prank 6:
The fat jock was named Lettermen of the Week which excited him. Then he opened his locker and The Pranksters made a flyer that said LetterWOMEN of the Week, where guys heads were put on women's bodies, which is hella demeaning and hilarious. Then fat kid started getting turned on by the picture of him in a bikini. That is GROSS but also very funny.

Prank 7:
They brought the pranks to a new level with their fake names for roll call. The first one was a lady with the name Yerkoff, Ivana Yerkoff. Say it fast, you'll get it. Got it? HILARIOUS! The next one's last name is Wang. First name is Long. LONG WANG! That's so funny it's stupid! If you have not had enough laughs, the last student is Dick Hertz. Man, I was laughing so hard that I nearly missed out on the teacher asking, "Who's Dick Hertz?" Five guys raised their hands which just added to the greatness of the joke.

Prank 2 by The Jocks:
Blotto, the fat kid, gives one of The Pranksters a swirlie for revenge on him being good at basketball. It was a real jerk maneuver. He was also the fat douche in Frat Party which I have reviewed before. In other celebrity news, the star quarterback played the high school student that Dee tried to bang on an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Still, not a cool move, jocks, or should I say JERKS.

Prank 8:
They are going to release balloons at the talent show. Sounds pretty tame, huh? What if I were to tell you that these balloons were filled with SLIME? Yeah, they were, and it was total chuckles all the way around. On top of that, The Dean bangs the French teacher right behind the curtain at the back of the stage. This sounds pretty hot and sexual, but it's major laughs once one of The Pranksters pulls the curtain open so everyone can see them The Dean getting frisky with the French teacher's downstairs.

Prank 9:
The Dean gives himself a motivational speech in front of a mirror so he can bang the French teacher. Little does he know that it's a two-way mirror, so The Pranksters videotape him doing this. You'll never guess what happens next. They show the tape to everybody! That shit was cray cray and funnier than Funyuns...Funyuns that tell jokes.

Prank 10:
They try to get the fictional character of Dick Hertz nominated as Student Body President. This is maybe the funniest laughs that were laughed during the tenth prank of this movie...PSYCH! The funniest laughs that were ever laughed were when it turns out that there was a new transfer student whose real name was...DICK HERTZ! That's side-splitting comedy, and I may have gotten a hernia from laughing so hard.

Prank 11:
The Student President is a nerdy pest throughout this entire movie. He is competing with one of the Pranksters for best grades in their class. He wins some award at the end and is giving a speech. I was really disappointed, because it looked like the nerdy guy won. Then they blasted a really loud fart noise through the speakers. Nerdy kid was distraught. I was too busy laughing to care.

Prank 12:
The main guy announced that he was a Prankster during his speech which should have meant that he wouldn't get his diploma, but then everybody in the crowd started announcing that they, too, were Pranksters. This was not a prank for laughs. This was a prank for honor and respect. Mad props Pranksters.

Prank 13:
They had fireworks shoot out of the lights,which was another really nice moment. Then they flew a model airplane at the Dean, which was a super hilarious moment, because The Dean was TERRIFIED. Great job, Pranksters.


Yes, all of these pranks actually happened. And that didn't even give me time to mention that The Dean also teaches gym class. You really need to see it for yourself. Be sure to watch this movie while sitting on the floor, as you may roll off your couch/chair/bed and hurt yourself from all the intense laughs.

Drinking Whiskey and Watching The Power Rangers Movie

So I decided to take a half day a few Fridays ago, so I could party before going to a concert that night. It turns out that none of my friends had the foresight to do the same, so I was alone in my afternoon off. I still made the most of my free time as I decided to hang out with my dog, drink whiskey, and watch The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers movie. This turned out to be an awesome decision. The whiskey doesn't make a big difference, as all it really meant is that I laughed a lot more, and my notes towards the end had a a lot of misspellings. The one thing you should know is that I cannot recommend watching this movie sober, yet I highly recommend watching it drunk.

So the movie starts with all of the Power Rangers skydiving. Of course, their arch nemeses, Bulk and Skull are going along for the ride. Since they are stupid bullies, and not the harmful kind, they forgot their parachutes. Luckily, the Power Rangers let them know about it before they decided to jump out of the plane. Way to save the day, Rangers.

Why are they skydiving, you ask? Like they need a reason. But they do have a reason. It is the Angel Grove Jump-A-Thon, which was put on to save the observatory. Some old guy stumbles as he lands. His kid then tells him, "Watch, this is how the pros do it," because luckily the Power Rangers are actually professional sky divers when they are not fighting Rita and the evil Lord Zed. This is a huge break for the observatory, having pro sky divers in their small town.

May I digress for one moment? Thank you. Observatories may be the biggest waste of government spending out there. I have never been to an observatory. I am not sure if I even know where an observatory is. It seems like there are a ton of movies where teenagers are trying to save the observatory. Observatories are the worst.

Back to the plot. All of the Power Rangers are skydiving and doing cool tricks. Well, almost everyone. Tommy (White Ranger) is sky surfing and instead of doing cool tricks, he is doing awesome tricks. Everyone else must feel ashamed.

It should be mentioned that the regular Red Ranger has been replaced by another non-descript white guy, but they did change his name to Rocky. The Black Ranger was replaced by an Asian looking dude and is now named Adam. This means that due to cultural divesity laws, the Asian Ranger, Yellow, had to be replaced by a black chick. Her name is now Aisha. Kimberly is still pink, and Billy is still blue.

Oh yeah, on top of their Olympic level skydiving, they could also probably be professional rollerbladers as they are doing all sorts of SICK tricks while “blading” through the city.

The Rangers then get an urgent message from Alpha because some construction guys found an egg that can electrocute people. Zordon informs them that this is an evil beyond all imagination. I’m guessing it’s the Gobbledygooker. Lord Zed and Rita open the egg and ooze turns into this old dude who needs to crack his neck. His name is Ivan Ooze, and he is not that frightening. Rita wants to bang Ooze and Lord Zed is hella jealous of this guy.

Ivan Ooze's special powers include being able to shape-shift, being able to shoot lightning bolts, and the ability to smell teenagers (just so you know, he HATES the smell).

Alpha is such a douche. I wrote this multiple times throughout my notes, but this one is the one that got to stick, because, yeah, Alpha is a douche.

Ivan Ooze mentions the Black Plague, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Brady Bunch Reunion. He has been out of the egg for ten minutes and somehow learned about all of these things. Of all of the inaccuracies in this movie, this one bothered me the most.

Kimberly said that Zordon (who is dying) was like a father to them. What happened to their parents? Don't these kids have curfews? Seriously, put these Power Rangers in a foster home. Perfect evidence of why they should be in a foster home is that Alpha tells them that he can send them to a distant planet to save Zordon, but everyone who goes there dies. The Power Rangers all decide that it is a GREAT idea to go there. The Power Rangers are completely unfazed by death and murder. They killed a ton of foot clan ooze jabronies, and they were totally fine with their murders. Billy got ooze on his hands after killing one and said, “You ooze, you lose.” Murder is like brushing teeth for them, always do it once, sometimes 2-3 times a day.

Ivan Ooze called Zed and Rita “Dingle Dogs.” I am now going to try to work this into every conversation I have.

A strange wizard man (spoiler: it's Ivan Ooze) is handing out free ooze. There are no parents around to stop this. I feel like this movie could have been much shorter had there just been responsible parents in Angel Grove. It turns out that this Ooze turns people into zombies. Wait, actually, I should clarify. The ooze turns parents into zombies. Also these zombies are all inefficient construction workers. Seriously, if you watch people working in the background, their work rate is pathetic.

Best joke of the movie:
Evil Winged Animal Guy – Put your weak back into it.
Other Bad Guy – I had a weak back…about a week back.

Okay, so I thought that Ivan Ooze had the powers to create the Ooze and bottle it up so parents would become his zombies. Then I find out that parents are working in a factory to make the Ooze. So, how did he get that first batch going? This very much bothers me. I should be a movie consultant.

So I thought they were just ninjas, but then the Power Rangers turned into new animals. Ones that weren’t extinct which obviously makes them superior. Aisha is the bear. Rocky is the ape. Billy is the wolf. Kimberly is the crane. Adam is the frog. Tommy is the falcon.

So they are all fighting this really bad machine, and the yellow ranger goes, “Time to boogie with the Bear,” the machine just blasts her away and she is now completely worthless. The Frog was more successful than The Bear; I did not see that coming.

With all of the damage that has gone on in this movie, it is amazing that The Pink Ranger decides that it is important that he destroyed the monorail. And yes, of course Angel Grove has a monorail.

The little nerd who made fun of his dad for not being a professional skydiver was riding the monorail so he could save his parents. I’m not sure why he decided to take over a monorail to do that, but he did. Luckily, he gets help from Bulk and Skull, because that hard exterior is just to protect their heart of gold.

They were locked up with Ivan Ooze. The Yellow Ranger said, “Desperate times call for desperate measures.” She then hits the button titled, “In case of emergency only.” What did that button do? Kneed him in the groin. That is how they saved the day. An “emergency knee to the groin.” I'm not kidding. That is really what happened.

They saved the world and then saved Zordon. I proceeded to celebrate by drinking too much, and West Coast Dancing. Thanks, Power Rangers.

A Review of ICP's Big Money Rustlas

The Insane Clown Posse. They're an interesting crew. Lately, Juggalos have received more cultural relevance after being portrayed on the two best shows on television, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Workaholics. Still, ICP and their fans are faygo drinking pieces of shit. There's no Nobel Prize coming from that group, but, on the other hand, there could be an Oscar heading their way.

Yes, although ICP is not the best with music or redeemable qualities, they do occasionally make movies. Big Money Hustlas was made way back in 2000, and I still can't believe it, but it was actually an entertaining movie. It is probably not a good movie, but that's hard to do when your characters names are Harry Cox, Big Stank, and Mick Foley as Cactus Sac. Still, it's got Harland Williams, and Harland Williams fucking owns.

With that being said, I was extremely excited to see that their next film, Big Money Rustlas (ten years in the making) was On Demand for my viewing pleasure. This would have been super topical, but Grantland ran a review of the movie last week. Although they hit most of the important scenes, like Grantland is wont to do, they used about 20,000 too many words in the process. Let's hit the important parts (and guest appearances) together as I relive the magic that is Big Money Rustlas.

It's an old school Western movie, and within the first two minutes, there are four murders by the fat guy from ICP, Big Baby Chips. We will meet the good guy later, played by the skinny guy in ICP, Sheriff Sugar Wolf. His mother's name is Handjob Hannah...obviously.

Then we meet the Mexican Sign Guy, who is played by noneother than SCOTT HALL. Oh, fuck yeah. He immediately starts talking about how he is going to bang the widows those men left behind. Seriously, Scott Hall steals the show in this movie. It is pure magic every time they give him screen time. Is he shitfaced in every scene? You bet your ass he is. That man is nWo 4 Life.

The Sheriff is about to drink the water from the local well, but Dirty Sanchez stops him with the best line of the movie, "It's as polluted as a fat chick's ass after running a marathon with no underwear on." Yes, the writing in this movie is inspired to say the least.

Then who shows up? "The Mouth of the South" Jimmy Hart. He's winning a bunch of money playing poker until they smash his hand with a hammer for cheating. I would have liked to see his character develop more than begging for mercy for 30 of his 45 seconds of screen time. Honestly, if you're not concerned about plot, but love seeing hilarious cameos, this movie was made for you. Let's do a quick rundown of some other notable celebrity guest appearances:

Vanilla Ice heckles The Sheriff.
Jay from Jay and Silent Bob becomes a deputy.
An outhouse blows up, and who's there? Screech! He complains about not getting a chance to wipe.
Sabu shows up at the end, and there is a Paul Orndorff reference earlier in the film.

God damn, that's a pretty good list of cameos. Nice job, ICP.

The second best line of the movie comes from Sheriff Sugar Wolf, who tries to seduce a midget, "Maybe, sometime if you're not busy, we could get together, and I could pull outta that little ass of yours." The line works in the sense that the midget does become his girlfriend, but it also doesn't work as it turns out that midget is actually a dude (hence the ass play), so not sure if I'm gonna try using that line at the clubs anytime soon.

And then the movie ends in the most unpredictable way imaginable, unless of course you have seen a movie before, in which case you will see it coming from a mile away.

So what did we learn today? Although the Insane Clown Posse's music is awful, their movies are...ah, fuck, who am I kidding? Their movies are awful too. If this review seemed positive, it is because I avoided talking about the plot. Big Money Hustlas was entertaining, this was not as inspired of an effort. But they did put Scott Hall in it, and there is no doubt that Scott Hall is awesome.

Fuck the Juggalos, I'm nWo 4 Life.

Moneyball 2 Is Going To Be Awesome

As I am sure a lot of you know, Moneyball got six Oscar nominations, including Best Picture, Best Actor (Brad Pitt), and Best Supporting Actor (Jonah Hill). Was it worthy of these nominations? That’s debatable, but certainly not in my mind as somehow the Academy overlooked the contributions of everyone involved in Fast Five.

Moneyball was a solid movie, but it is going to pale in comparison to Moneyball 2. Michael Lewis has not written that book, but the story started to unfold a couple days ago with one innocent tweet.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 

 

Billy is probably as good looking as brad pitt
Oh, yes, this is starting off better than I could have hoped. Way to butter him up, Jose. Now, let's follow it up with something casual.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 

 

I am going to play this year
Excellent. Let the world know of your intentions. Now it's time to go for the kill.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 

 

Billy beane call me would love to dh for you just give me a tryout that's all I ask
YES! Billy Beane and I both know that aging slugger/former steroid user/reality TV star is the newest market inefficiency in baseball. Some scouts overrate players who look good in jeans. Have you seen Jose Canseco move lately? He can probably barely put on jeans. Does that matter? Hell no! We're talking about the man who led the Yuma Scorpions in Home Runs last year...with 8. Get this man signed immediately.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 

 

Baseball hates bill James but the Boston red sox hired him .that's from the movie money ball .baseball hates me maybe they can hire me
This may be the most underrated tweet in the history of Twitter. Its simplicity is what makes it so beautiful. Jose Canseco is nearly 50 years old, but looking at this tweet, you would guess the age of the Tweeter to be somewhere between 5-7. It sounds like he is doing show-and-tell for his Kindergarten class, and he is explaining how this one guy overcame odds, so I will also overcome odds, and it will be great. It’s also sad, because everyone just wants to push this kid out of the way, because the kid coming up next brought in his pet turtle.

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 

Fenway 350 lifetime batting average 1 hr per every 9 at bats .I am ready to play for Boston give me a tryout
Then Jose got to thinking. If Boston hired Bill James, maybe they will hire Jose Canseco. What is Moneyball about? Stats, so Jose Canseco shows off his inner-sabermatrician, and drops home runs per at bat in a specific ballpark. Is Jose hinting that the new market inefficiency might be nerds? Look how well Ivy League graduate Sam Fuld did last year…for the first two months of the season. Another benefit is that Jose showed off his Scott Boras side to create a BIDDING WAR. How high will they go?

JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 

I guess murderers and child molestors get more chances than I do
Don’t worry, Jose. Your time will come. You are a better man than James Early Ray and Jerry Sandusky combined…wait a minute, that combination would just create a racist, molesting murderer, so yes, you are totally better than that combination. Please, Oakland or Boston, make this happen. If the World Series Ring isn’t sweet enough, how does hundreds of millions of dollars in movie revenue sound? Plus, I’ve already got a great tagline.

“He’s not a murderer, he’s not a rapist, he’s Jose Canseco, and he’s finally getting a second chance…Moneyball 2.”

My only question is: Great idea or greatest idea ever?

I’m going with the latter.