Why I Chose To Stay In Florida During Hurricane Irma

I live in Clearwater, Florida, and tonight, I am going to experience my first hurricane when Irma rolls into town. Even though I stayed, it no way means that I am brave, and it also doesn't mean that I'm a dumbass. I just made the logical choice.

As a native Iowan, I never really had to worry about hurricanes, but I did once have a tornado roll right by my apartment complex during college. I was too drunk to really care about it, so it didn't greatly scare me, but considering that we experienced 155 MPH winds, I'm at least prepared for the winds of a hurricane. Tornadoes are far less stressful, and not just because their size is nowhere near a hurricane; it's mostly that a tornado pops up, runs through your area in the next couple hours, and then it's over. A hurricane is the slowest natural disaster imaginable, as we have known about Irma coming for a full week. It is just so damn slow

With that (lack of) speed, things have had so much time to change. It was going to get slowed down in the Caribbean when it hit Cuba and Puerto Rico. Then it was going to just rise up the east coast where we'd be on the outer range. Then it was going straight up the middle, and finally, in worst case scenario, it is now coming up the west coast. That's bad for me, but the whole leadup led to an awkward situation. By wishing for it to not hit me, it meant that I was wishing other people harm. Would I have preferred that it went somewhere else? Of course, that would have been a preferable outcome for me, but even in less than ideal outcome, I'm likely going to be fine.

This leads to the next question: Should I have evacuated? Even knowing what I know now, I still feel good about my decision to stay during the storm. My plan was always to stay unless I received a mandatory evacuation notice. Although Zones A&B did receive the mandatory evacuations, I'm in Zone C, which means that I am good to stay. Would it have been safer for me to go? Yeah, getting out of the way of a hurricane is safer than staying in the way, but I am tucked away in a neighborhood so I should be fairly blocked off from debris, and I'm in the best possible area to avoid flooding. I'm prepared if our house ends up sustaining some damage, and I'm prepared to lose power for a few days if it ends up coming to that, but physically, I feel as if I'm about as safe as taking a flight. Sure, something incredibly weird could happen, but the risk is so slight that I am in no way putting my life in danger.

Overall, I haven't been too worried throughout the process. When I took my lunch to pickup some bottled water last Tuesday, and there was nothing to be found at Sam's Club or Publix, I didn't really worry, I just picked up some Gatorade and figured I'd be good. When I heard that gas stations all across the state were running out of gas, I wasn't too concerned, because I didn't think I'd have to evacuate. When they started announcing evacuations in my area, I didn't really concern myself, because those were coastal areas, and of course they were going to need to evacuate. Even driving through town Saturday and realizing that everything was closed, I wasn't really worried, it just meant that I could go 100 on the highway, because what cop would pull somebody over for speeding when there is a hurricane coming (Also, there was a brewery open over in Tampa, so grabbing a beer with the wife and dog seemed like a good way to celebrate Iowa's victory).

I would say the most concerned I got was when my friends texted me in a group chat to tell me that I should evacuate. My friends are not concerned people; they're idiots, and that's why we get along so well, so it was a tad unnerving that these guys were actually worried about my safety.

But when I balanced everything out, it made sense for me to stay. The most likely outcome is still that everything will be totally fine, maybe lose power for a while. I could sustain some house damage, and I could be without power for days, but I'm prepared for either situation. We've got a safe spot tucked away in the middle of the house where physically, we'll be fine, although the dog may be freaking out a bit. She's always a spaz, so I think we can handle that.

I Saved Thanksgiving

Since we bought a house a few months ago, I have began my pursuit to become a competent handyman. I have fixed, built, and installed things since moving in, and although most people aren't incompetent boobs when it comes to these things, I definitely started as one but have now evolved into only sort of a dumbass. If there was a riddle that said, "Every time you use one, you look like one," the answer would be tool.

My shining moment began on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. I was at work, while my wife had the day off since her whole family was either in town or on their way. She contacted me to tell me that the oven was having issues. I knew that was not good, because a working oven is an incredibly important aspect of cooking a Thanksgiving meal. Since the oven was likely 20 years old, I told her it was probably in our best interests to get a new range (that's the fancy word for an oven/stove combo; I honestly don't know if you can get the two separately).

Since I wasn't too busy at work, I did some research on ranges. I found some Samsung options that I liked and figured that if they're good enough to make a TV in my living room, they're certainly good enough to make my home appliances. Also, one lady gave a review where she described the knobs as "sexy." SOLD.

But there is an issue with that. Apparently, stores don't just have a bunch of ovens hanging out in the back. Luckily, my wife was able to shop around and find a Lowe's where a customer service rep not only found one in the back but accidentally promised next day delivery when he definitely shouldn't have done that. Oh well, our score, as once they said they could do it, they had to honor it, so we were going to get an oven delivered on Wednesday.

Oh, and just as a fun sidenote, we also found out that we only had 7% of our propane tank left, so there was a chance that even with a new oven, we may not have enough propane to actually run it.

The range got delivered on Wednesday night around 5:00, and that's where I come in. I had already disconnected the old one and saw that this was actually going to be a super easy installation. Plug it in for power and then connect the gas and make sure there isn't a leak there, and bingo bango, we'd be ready for turkey the next day.

Everybody was going out for pizza, so I figured I'd be good after a quick hookup to feast on some celebratory 'za. That's when I ran into some issues. I tried to hook up the propane and realized it didn't fit, because apparently they are supposed to sell you a conversion kit to help hook up propane to a gas range. Apparently propane and gas are different things and not just like in-line skates and Rollerblades or tissue paper and Kleenex. This is literally what I thought, because I am a stupid person.

But I guess it's good that they didn't give us the conversion kit initially, because that gave me time to read through the instructions on installation. Yeah, that whole propane is not the same thing as gas talking point I mentioned earlier? Apparently, you can't just convert the connection in the back of the oven and call it a day. You see, there's these things called orifices, and they allow the gas to come through so you can cook. The issue is that gas is denser than propane, so you need orifices with smaller holes so you don't have an excess amount of gas coming through when you try to cook. That seems important.

Oh, and when I looked at the instructions, they blatantly stated that only a professional should do the propane conversion. They may as well have said, "Hey dumbass, don't even think about it, because you're going to blow up your house. You're out of your league, dipshit." I looked at that and thought to myself, "Uh, well, that's not good." But I also had another thought, "I want me a damn Thanksgiving meal, and what's the worse that could happen...oh, it's blow up the house? That is quite bad, but I still want me a damn Thanksgiving meal, so let's get after it."

Everybody went out for pizza to leave me alone with my new project. This was definitely a good thing as I like to work through my thoughts, so I really didn't want the in-laws looking over my shoulder trying to be helpful. So I had to switch out seven orifices. These orifices are about the size of a kernel of corn, which doesn't help make things easy. Still, the stove was pretty easy, as I was able to pop the tops off, unscrew the old ones and pop the new ones in. There was one that was a little difficult, just because it was a small burner so I didn't have much room to work with, but I got the job done. I'm glad I did this last, as it didn't give me time to get cocky.

The oven was another story. Luckily, they gave me a diagram of what I needed to do. Unluckily, the pictures were so tiny and zoomed in that I often had no idea what the hell I was supposed to be doing. Whenever I didn't know what to do, it was time to play with Casey The Dog to clear my head. Then I would come back to the project refreshed and ready to just start unscrewing stuff until I found what I needed. What did I need to unscrew? Oh, that turned out to be everything. These orifices were in the least convenient place possible, and it made me understand why people talk shit about engineers, because they are assholes who definitely do this shit on purpose. I literally took apart everything in that oven, and only one of those things was I not supposed to remove (I dropped a relatively unimportant screw and knew that my wife would not be pleased if she heard a rattle in the oven, even if I assured her that it was unimportant). They really do not want you doing the conversion yourself, but I was undeterred. Okay, I was actually frequently deterred, but I persevered, and that's what matters.

Eventually, I tore up that oven, replaced what needed to be replaced and put the entire insides back together. After all that, I just slid the door back on, and of course, the oven door wouldn't go back on. After all the shit I went through, I couldn't get the damn door back on. At that point, I did the logical thing and decided to wait for the in-laws to get back, because I did an entire conversion, so the least they could do is figure out the damn door. It still took them a good half hour to figure it out, and I came in at the end  to help make some final adjustments. But finally, we had a working range. I fired up every burner and the oven, and they all worked beautifully.

Everything went flawlessly the next day as I sat back and watched sports waiting for the meal as I basked in the glory of saving Thanksgiving.

At Home with David Schultz

David Schultz may be the greatest wrestler that you have never heard of. Now, I must admit I have probably barely seen him wrestle in my life, but this man was a GOD when it came to promos. He's probably best known for slapping the shit out of John Stossel when Stossel said that wrestling was fake. His best moment was probably this interview he did on Hulk Hogan, which is probably my favorite promo in wrestling history.

If I were Gawker, I would definitely present this video as evidence that Hulk may have wanted his sex tape to come out to prove to David Schultz that he has been with a woman.

But I'm not here to focus on that today. I want to look into the everyday "Dr. D" David Schultz. Luckily, back in 1984, the WWE got to spend a day with Schultz and get a look at what his life is like at home. The results were predictably amazing.

It's one of the most amazing pieces I have ever seen. Like, we know Dr. D David Schultz is a character, but he's probably not that far from David Schultz the man. His home life is exactly what you would expect his home life to look like, starting with his children.

Yo, Dr. D, your kids don't look alike. I mean, I'm not sayin, I'm just sayin. I feel like the ginger with the dead eyes is probably yours. Red shirt, well, he kind of looks like a young Mean Gene Okerlund.

I can't say it's too surprising, as his wife nearly accuses him of lying in front of the cameras, and then has the nerve to interrupt him during his interview.

It is impossible to side-eye anybody harder than Dr. D just side-eyed his wife. At least dinner is done, and I'm sure the kitchen is spotle...oh no.

"What is this? The city dump?" is something I would love to say to my wife when I see a mess in the house, but then she would probably proceed to hit me and make me start doing more cleaning. Schultz knew how to keep his lady in check; I'm just happy my lady keeps me around.

Maybe the most amazing part of this video is that the dinner on the table is some fried chicken, like three pieces of pizza, and a bottle of A-1 Sauce. Nobody is eating fried chicken or pizza on their plates. Instead, they're all just eating plain white bread. It's so wonderful.

After he realizes that his family is a bunch of ass clowns, Schultz kicks the camera crew out of his house so he can go about his day.

Never change, Dr. D. 

Hulk Hogan's Presidential Run

With the 2016 election heating up, there is no better time to look back on the presidential campaign that was truly ahead of its time. If all you need now is celebrity status and a willingness to say and do stupid things, there was one candidate who was ready before all the rest. That candidate? The Immortal (and possibly racist) Hulk Hogan. I mean, just imagine if Donald Trump would have said what Hogan got in so much trouble for, we wouldn't have batted an eye, and there would have been plenty of Backwoods Iowans ready to say, "He's just saying what we're all thinking." But alas, Hogan tried to run for President in 2000 instead of 2016, and that was truly his biggest mistake. Still, let's take a look back on the greatest presidential candidate that the United States has ever seen.

In 1998, Hulk Hogan knew his career was over and decided to announce his retirement. There was no better time and place to do this than Thanksgiving Night on the Jay Leno show.

When Leno asked Hulk what he was going to announce, Hulk responded, "The big announcement is, since it's Thanksgiving and everyone's at home watching, I kind of come to the crossroads here and I've accomplished everything I wanted to do in wrestling. My family's secure, I've had a great career, and I wanted to officially announce my retirement."

Let's quickly break down the most ridiculous things from this short response.

3. "Since it's Thanksgiving and everyone's at home watching"
Wait, is that a thing? Is this a tradition that we celebrate to honor Native Americans? Like, we stole their land and infested them with disease, so we will watch late night talk shows to pay our respects? I don't remember that being a thing.

2. "I've accomplished everything I wanted to do in wrestling...I wanted to officially announce my retirement"
Hulk Hogan wrestled for another FIFTEEN years, and he has still been squawking about getting one more match in the WWE.

1. "My family's secure"
And the reason Hulk Hogan is still trying to wrestle is because he's still trying to make money. Your wife filing divorce, trying to support your daughter's musical career, and your son paralyzing someone has a way to drain your assets rather quickly. Hence, a lot more wrestling, plenty of public appearances, and racism, although the racism doesn't seem to be paying off.

But the Hulkster still had plenty to say about his potential Presidency, and Jay Leno was asking the tough questions:

Jay: But have you had any experience at all in this field?
Hulk: Well, I've been making decisions all my life.

The man has a point, and try to prove him wrong...you can't. He'd been making decisions his whole life, so how was he not ready to be president?

Jay: I'm glad you're not coming into comedy. Now what about your past? Any secrets? Cause they invesitgate you.

Hulk: We all make mistakes, and thank God we learn from those mistakes. I mean, I'm beyond this mid-life crisis that Clinton is going through now.

This is probably my favorite line from Hogan's brief Presidential run. He's beyond a mid-life crisis. The last twenty years of Hulk Hogan's life has been one giant mid-life crisis. He calls out Clinton for cheating on his wife, but this is a man who had sex with his friend's wife, which is...uh, better? This doesn't even bring up the much weirder aspect of his mid-life crisis. He has a weird obsession with his daughter to the point that he is now married to a woman who looks EXACTLY like his daughter.

And they both look like him, which does not help his case, but hey, to each their own. As for his policies, all he said was that he wanted to go into Iraq and take out Saddam Hussein (although he couldn't pronounce it right), which is dumb, and he wanted a flat tax which is somehow even dumber.

But did anyone take this seriously? Well, CBS News reported it, so yeah, people did take it seriously.

Hulk Hogan was ready to save America through training, prayers, and eating vitamins. Unfortunately, a larger mission was on the horizon.

Yes, just six weeks after Hulk Hogan announced his bid for the Presidency, and on the night he had planned on letting the world know who his Vice President would be, he gave it all up to save WCW (and also to call Bill Goldberg a sexual deviant).

What was so big that Hulk had to come back to wrestling? Well, a shot at Kevin Nash and the WCW title, which of course led to this:

THE FINGERPOKE OF DOOM!

When I began writing this piece, I imagined how much better the world would be if Hulk would have spent eight great years in the White House. We'd have no debt, there would be no childhood obesity, and terrorists would no longer exist as they would have long ago converted to Hulkamania. But we also wouldn't have The Fingerpoke of Doom, and quite frankly, that's not a world I want to live in.

You made the right choice, Hulk.

Alone on Christmas

The title of this post makes it seem like it will be sad, but let me be very forward, this is not a sad occasion. I am cool with being by myself on Christmas. Christmas just doesn't mean that much to me.

Now don't get me wrong, Christmas was great growing up. I basically got everything I wanted outside of one Christmas, and I cried like a baby because of it (I'm pretty sure I was like 15 or 16. God, I sucked). But even though Christmas was always great growing up, the holiday itself doesn't mean that much to me. I currently live in Florida, so the idea of going up to Iowa during the winter has zero appeal to me. I will admit that upper 70 degree weather doesn't feel like Christmas, but I'm okay with that.

It means way more to my wife, and although she likes stuff more than I do, it's not about that at all. For her, it is a huge deal for her entire family, so the holiday represents way more than Jesus, Santa, and cold weather. My family gets together when we can; her family makes every effort to get together for Christmas.

My wife has been pretty bummed, because up until about two weeks ago, she thought she was going to have to work over Christmas. Then she found out she would be able to get the time off. I told her that even though I couldn't go, she should go back home to Ohio and spend it with her family. She didn't want to leave me alone on Christmas, but I had to assure her that for me, it's like being left alone on any other day. It means that Casey the Dog and I will spend way too much time together, and I will watch a constant stream of WWE Network.

That was enough to convince her to go, and she was able to surprise her family as Saturday night she snuck in and provided them a "Christmas miracle." Thanks to technology, I'm never really alone, as she texts, Snapchats, and calls. Calls are the worst. What a cruel world where I have to pause a Sabu/Alex Wright match from Nitro circa 1995 to talk to my wife.

And I'm enjoying my freedom. For Christmas Eve, I hit the gym, did my back workout, drank a smoothie, took the dog to the park, ate some Salmon for lunch, took the dog for a little walk, and then made Steak, grilled onions and mushrooms, and mashed potatoes for dinner. In between, I alternated episodes of Monday Night Raw and Nitro. My plan for Christmas day is going to be very similar outside of a run replacing the gym, and my meals changing a bit. It is going to be a very nice day.

That all being said, I am choosing to be alone. I can completely understand how involuntary loneliness can be awful this time of the year. I don't have great advice except for to try to make the best of the situation. Have some guilt-free binge watching, cook up your favorite meal, and most importantly, get some fresh air; it's amazing how much something that simple can change an attitude.

But I'm going to go take care of the important things in life. Poop out this steak (with the bathroom door open, no big deal), go for a run, and eat even more steak. Merry Christmas to you? Merry Christmas to me!

Everything You Need To Know About The Furious 7 Trailer

Two minutes and forty-two seconds. It doesn't sound like much time. It is less than 1/20th of an hour. It is only about 1/500th of a day. Overall, that little amount of time really shouldn't matter. Still, any individual second can count, and this weekend, I found something where every one of the 162 seconds matter. The Furious 7 trailer was released, and it is glorious.

Since I am on the verge of dying from anticipation, Lukewarm Jonah sent in his comprehensive breakdown of the Furious 7 trailer:

So I don’t think I’m overstating the fact that the most important event in human history just happened.  The Fast And Furious 7 trailer dropped.  I’m going to break down the trailer with as much detail and thought that a super fan like myself can.

The trailer starts out with Dom (Vin Diesel) talking on the CB radio to his crew.  The shot goes from him, to Letty (Michelle Rodriguez), to Roman (Tyrese) and we hear from Tej (Ludacris) who is asking Roman if he’s freaking out which he clearly is.  Now why is Roman freaking out so much?  I mean they’re all in cars, it’s basically where they live.  It’s no stretch to call them the greatest team of drivers ever.  Roman says he’s not freaking out but Tej calls him out and he and Brian O’ Connor (Paul Walker) have a good laugh.  Roman wants someone to walk him through what they’re supposed to be doing.  Come on Roman know the plan, I mean you’re probably just driving and pulling off a heist or something get those butterflies out of your stomach.  The red light goes off, some sort of rear door opens and we get to see everyone in some sweet rides.

Cut to an exterior shot of an airplane!?  What the hell?  They’re in an airplane?  In cars?  Now this I’ve got to see.  I mean they have a lot of experience in airplaning from the last movie, but I didn’t see any doomsday devices handed out.  O’ Connor says “Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better” to his boy Dom.  Dom says “Here we go” while Roman provides some comic relief by blessing himself.  What is going on here?  Holy shit they throw the cars in reverse and skydive out of a fucking plane, IN CARS!  Parachutes deploy and they make it onto the road no problem.  Tej sums it up better than I ever could, “Hell Yeah!”  I would just like to take a minute and point out that the trailer starts with the crew skydiving out of a plane in cars.  That’s the start, we’re just ramping up from here.

The crew is now driving on a road, all normal like, when they pull up on a bus.  Oh we’ve seen this before.  Clearly they’re going to be taking this bus down.  Are they springing someone from a prison bus?  Pulling off a big heist?  Who knows?  But we all know that if there’s one thing that Dom and the crew can do it’s pretty much anything they want involving moving vehicles.  But “Oh Shiiii….” Tej again has the perfect words for this situation.  The bus presses a magic button and guns come out of the side and start firing.  O’ Connor’s car is lit up with gun fire and he seems to pull off to the side.  But no big deal, reunited lovers Dom and Letty “Hook ‘em up” and fire gatlings into the bus and pull off the back with a little help from Tej’s magic button and the power of brakes.  Dom says Brian is up, but wait a minute I thought he pulled over.

Naw girl, he’s freaking surfing on his bullet hole ridden car while being pushed by Tej’s hummer.  So he hops into the bus taking some chump down in the process.  While it’s not shown, it’s safe to assume he takes down the other jabronis on the bus and shoots a lock on a door, pulls the hood off of some person, and surprise, it’s an attractive female.  Brian, being the all american good guy, tells her they’re going to get her out of there.  She has to jump onto the hood of Dom’s car and really seems to have no problem doing so.  She screams, but I assume Dom uses his super driving skills to chill her out.  But there’s a problem.  With all the jabronis Brian took down, there’s no one driving the bus and it flips!

The bus rides along the road on its side for a little bit before coming to rest.  Whew!  That was a close one.  Oh did I forget to mention that it comes to a rest over the edge of a cliff?  Because that’s exactly what it does.  O’ Connor hops out the door which is the part that’s hanging over a cliff.  He climbs up the side of the bus like a boss but the rocks are starting to crumble.  He breaks out in a dead sprint across the bus while it’s falling over the cliff.  Things look bleak, but Letty is racing towards the bus.  She power slides as Brian is still running across the falling bus.  He leaps and catches the spoiler on Letty’s powersliding car.  Holy shit looks like he made it out of this one safe and sound.  The bus falls off the cliff and all those kidnapping dickheads on board presumably fall to a terrible death.  And that’s the end of the trailer.  Or is it?  It’s not.  No all of this insane action has happened in about the first minute and a half.  How are they going to top all this?  Strap yourself in and get ready for a hell of a ride.

Dom’s on the phone with some limey who killed Han (Sung Kan).  The limey says that Dom doesn’t know him but he’s about to and the scene where he crashes into Han and walks away is shown.  The tea sipper is shown to be Jason Statham.  Dom tells his crew that it looks like the sins of London have followed them home.  Also of note, new rescued girl is with the crew now.

Hobbs (Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson) makes his first appearance and you know business is about to pick up.  He explains that new foreinger is Owen Shaw’s “Big bad brother.”  Man, Dom and his crew have horrible luck.  It seems like every movie they keep running into someone bigger and badder than before.  I have a theory that Fast 8 will feature Owen’s brother Deckard’s bigger badder cousins, Nic Cage and Jean Claude Van Damme.  Also as you just read, Hobbs’ file contains the name Deckard Shaw, so it’s safe to assume that’s Statham’s character.  We get a couple seconds of Deckard being a badass against some randoms, just to establish how tough he really is.

Tej makes a statement that really sums up what’s going on “We’re being hunted.”  Look I don’t care how tough you are, how tough your brother is, you’re not going to hunt down Dom’s crew.  They show shots of Dom, Hobbs, and O’ Connor getting ready by having some sweet/giant guns and bullet proof vests.  It’s interesting to note that O’Connor is wearing an FBI vest, so at least O’Connor is back on the legit side of the law.  After this, there is a very poignant shot of Dom and O’Connor where Dom states “One last ride.”  Sadly, Walker’s death does mean that this is truly their last ride together.

Cut to shots of insane cars driving… in the desert????  I know it’s the desert because there’s a shot of sand and camels.  What have the guys gotten themselves into now?  Oh there’s an insane party going on with gold painted girls and quite possibly Little John DJing while a bunch of presumably rich people throwing their hands in the air like they just don’t care.  Cut to a shot of the crew dressed to the nines.  Tuxes, suits, dresses, they are straight crushing walking down stairs.

Cut to a shot of a car race, where Dom’s Charger can be seen.  I’m going to go out on a limb and predict that he wins the race.  Good news, there’s also a sweet shot of some booty as a chick bends over and drops the scarf to start the race.  Letty’s driving, then there’s some red and an explosion.  Gunfire in that red building, then cut to a shot of Dom driving his Charger.  Lots of Fast and Furious action going on here.  We see that Dom has a cut on his hand as he shifts, I assume from backhanding some bad guy too much.  The word vengeance hits the screen and we go back to the real star of the movie, Hobbs.

Hobbs utters possibly the greatest line ever spoken by anyone, “Daddy’s got to go to work.”  Oh and work he does.  His arm is in a cast which is very confusing.  My theory is that Shaw blindsided Hobbs just like he did to Han.  Only Shaw was driving a tank, Hobbs was just standing around, and he had just finished drinking a kryptonite smoothie.  Seems like the most logical way Hobbs could end up with a broken arm.  So it’s tough to tell if Hobbs rips the cast off, or just simply flexes and breaks it apart.  But the message is clear, Hobbs doesn’t let a minor setback like broken bones slow him down.  Now he fights some dude with a shaved head that at first I assumed was Shaw, but upon pausing the trailer, it looks like just some random jabroni that a smackdown must be laid down upon.  Hobbs makes this guy look like a punk even with one arm and punches him through a glass window.

We get a shot of Shaw looking tough with a gun, as a familiar voice, Kurt Russell, tells Dom something that sounds like, “This is a world that doesn’t play by your rules.”  Followers of Dom know that he has a code, and spoiler alert, we’ll hear more about that code later on in the trailer.  It’s not all “Show me how and drive and I’ll show you who you are.”

More quick cuts, Shaw shoots a gun, possibly at a sick red car that’s driving in a sick house.  Hobbs is firing a gatling gun, just like Roadblock in GI Joe.  Letty’s in a red dress, Dom’s in a tux with Letty in a red dress, kidnap victim is coming out of the water in a bikini as Roman and Tej look on.  A helicopter flies, O’Connor drives a car like a champ.  Dom and Shaw appear to have samuri swords in each hand as they fly at each other.  Shaw’s sweet ride is wrecked while Dom’s Charger seems to be in pretty solid shape.

The next shot has Shaw against the cement part of a street light with Dom winding up for a home run swing.  Sadly, it appears that Dom is swinging a crowbar and not a samurai sword.  He misses and explodes the concrete.  Smart fans will remember that Dom is especially deadly with wrenches, so it makes sense he’s a complete badass with a crowbar as well.  The trailer then shows shots of Tej, Roman, Letty, and the first shot of Mia (Jordanna Brewster) O’Connor’s wife and Dom’s sister.  She looks concerned, and I mean super concerned.  Kurt Russell’s voice speaks over these shots and tells Dom, “Like it or not, you and your friends are part of this now.”  Dom responds with the wisdom that cannot be taught or learned, it has to be God given.  “I don’t have friends, I got family.”  Boom!  Suck on that Shaw, you and your brother may have been blood, but you don’t have shit on Dom and his family.  Cut to a long shot of O’Connor and Roman in the background.  Furious 7, weird title, coming April 2015.

And that’s your trailer folks.  I’m writing this from my smart phone as I’m already camped out in line for the movie.  If you have any other questions please feel free to ask, because I feel that I’m the foremost expert on all things Fast and or Furious.

Goodbye, Quad Cities

Goodbye, Quad Cities.

That is a something that I have wanted to say for as long as I can remember. I grew up in the Quad Cities, on the eastern border of Iowa, and despite my family being from there and most remaining there, I can never remember a time where I thought I would grow old there. I hated the area, and I was going to do my best to leave.

Since I didn't want a massive debt, I stayed in state for college and went to the University of Iowa. It was less than an hour from my hometown, but it felt like a world away. It had a thriving nightlife with college girls, tailgating, alcohol, and college girls. For an 18-22 year old, good looking college women could make Siberia seem like Paradise. It was not too bad.

When I graduated, I was wiling to move anywhere for my first job. I really lucked out as I got a job in Seattle, one of the best places on the planet. If I were a single guy and found any job in that area, I would move out there in a heartbeat. In fact, if you are young and single, do that. Move to Seattle. The rain is way overblown and the summers are perfect. 

So why did I leave? Well, the main reason is that my bosses hated me. That meant I had no chance of being promoted, and even if I were promoted, the long-term job prospects of the Seattle SuperSonics were not the best (Spoiler alert: They moved to Oklahoma City). Because of that, I had to look around for jobs. Luckily, the guy who originally hired me for the Sonics really liked me and he took a job with a different sports team. Unluckily, he happened to move from Seattle to the minor league baseball team in my hometown. Back to the Quad Cities, it was. I was happy to have a good job, but it was bittersweet for the area I was moving back to. 

This next go-around wasn't so bad. The most positive thing was that I worked so much that I barely had any free time. Because of that, where I lived really didn't matter. When I did have free time in the fall, I could go to Iowa football games to tailgate, but still, I knew that the area was not made for me.

After two years, I quit my job and decided to move to Albuquerque. This was my "Be young and stupid" phase of life. Surprisingly, my young and stupid phase did not involve drugs or alcohol. But I moved to Albuquerque, tried to write a screenplay (I finished it; it has potential, but needs a major overhaul, something I have not done three years later) and trained in mixed martial arts. It was a great experience overall, but I knew I was never going to be a fighter (I'm a pussy), so it had no long-term potential. I got my ass kicked for the better part of a year before moving back to Iowa, but this time, it was at least West Des Moines.

West Des Moines was good; I lived with my brother, and since we are practically the same person, we got along really well. But there was a girl that I had been on and off with, but we were going to try to be on again, and she convinced me to move back to the Quad Cities for the sake of love. I packed up and headed back.

She dumped me two weeks later. 

So I was back in the place I wanted to be the least, with no job, no lady friend, and living with my parents (pretty cool roommates, but not exactly an ideal situation for a single guy). The best job offer I had was a part-time tennis instructor for children. The job was great, the money was not, and I was still in limbo with life, just hanging out in the QCA, not really doing much of anything. 

Don't get me wrong. When things lined up nicely, and a big group of people came out or something special was going on, I had some fun times. But for the most part? Going out in the Quad Cities is awful. There wasn't a single place that delivered more fun times than times where I was staring at my phone hoping for the night to end. It was miserable.

But this story does have a happy ending. I got a job and got promoted twice in a year. That on-again, off-again lady friend became on again. I proposed, and we got married in September. 

Since we both hate the cold weather, we quit our jobs and moved to Florida last week. I have finally left the Quad Cities, and this time, it's permanent. Hooray, me. I finally did it.

And yet, as much as I hate living in the Quad Cities. This moment is still bittersweet. It's 80 degrees down here and has snowed and been in the teens up there, so the weather is really, really sweet. But it's still tough.

Although a lot of friends have moved around the country, there are still some awesome people in the Quad Cities that I am going to miss. Those people don't hate the Quad Cities. They go out and have a blast, and there's nothing wrong with that. Just like I am doing what makes me happy by moving away, they are doing what makes them happy and staying in a place that they thoroughly enjoy with people they love to spend time with. I will always look forward to going back and hanging out with those people, and I hope they're smart enough to come visit me during the winter.

As much as I love my friends, there are two people I am going to miss even more, and those are my parents. My parents are the nicest people ever, and none of my bad traits should be attributed to them. They have gone above and beyond in helping me out in every way imaginable, and I am going to miss them only being a 15 minute drive away. I would not be where I am today without their love and support, and for that I am forever grateful.

The one thing that makes this easy is the number one person in my life. My wife is an amazing person, and I am incredibly lucky that she settled for me. We're going at life together, and although there is still a lot of uncertainty in our immediate future (we should probably try to get jobs soon), there is nobody I would rather face this uncertainty with than her. 

In my hometown, there is a saying that runs on the local news where people get on TV and say, "Hello, Quad Cities." Today, I say, "Goodbye, Quad Cities." Although this is definitely a happy moment, I am going to miss my family and friends. But with my wife by my side, it's hard to not be excited about the future, and I'm really happy with where things are going.

Oh, and the weather is going to be pretty sweet too.

A Pessimistic Look at the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes

Somehow The Hawkeyes have looked worse than this.

Optimism is for suckers. Yesterday, a positive outlook on the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes was posted on this blog. I am here to tell you that the person who wrote that is delusional, because the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes are terrible. They have a zero percent chance of winning another game this year.

Listen, if you're a Hawkeyes fan, your life is terrible, and it's only going to get worse. You have a good family? You were probably adopted. You love your girlfriend? She'll dump you soon. There's good comedies on TV? They'll probably be replaced by syndicated episodes of How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory. And you'll always have Natty Light? They'll probably be bought out by some shit beer company like Sam Adams and turned into some awful tasting micro brew. And don't expect the Hawkeyes to get better, because they are so awful that they might get kicked out of the B1G to join some second-rate conference like the Big 12.

Seriously, take a look at these losses.

Iowa @ Iowa State
God hates me and my entire family. My family has attended three schools that Iowa State has played this year, and Iowa State is 3-0 against those schools, and 1-4 against everybody else.  Iowa, Northern Iowa, and Texas Tech somehow can't beat these pieces of shit, but Baylor will put a hurtin' on them. But unlike Northern Iowa and Texas Tech, Iowa should have been a good football team. Now they'll be lucky to win another game this decade.

Iowa @ Penn State
Rob Bolden led a scoring drive. Are you fucking kidding me?

Iowa @ Minnesota State
Okay, with a coach like Hayden Fox having help from Luther and Dobber, yeah, Minnesota State is not going to be an easy team to beat. That's a quality loss...wait, what? You're joking, right? We lost to regular Minnesota? Haven't they been outscored like a billion to seven this season? And they won? Oh, Christ, burn down Kinnick Stadium, we no longer deserve football.

And shit doesn't get better as the season goes on.

Michigan - Expect the Hawkeyes to get Denarded.

Michigan State - That overrated piece of shit Kirk Cousins will mesmerize the Hawkeyes with his crystal blue eyes and give all the sports pundits reason to nut all over themselves with how great of a leader he is.

Purdue - They're good enough to beat Minnesota, which is more than Iowa can say.

Nebraska - This isn't going to be a rivalry, it's going to be a snuff film.

Seriously, Hawkeye fans, don't get your hopes up. This season is over. Next season is over, and after that, they will probably disband the football team to focus on their Club Lacrosse team. Life sucks.

-Joe

P.S. Okay, so not even I can be completely negative. Steel Panther's album drops today. And I cannot wait for Tomorrow Night (by the way, there is nothing safe for work about this video).