Tough Enough Is Hot Garbage, And I Can't Stop Watching It

I have watched every episode of Tough Enough this season. I don't know why I have done this, because this show is hot garbage. They manage to not do anything well. Somehow no group of people have really come across as likable or interesting in this show. And yet I watch week after week. I am an idiot. I understand that I like pro wrestling, but I don't like pro wrestling enough to justify this. This is awful. But I may as well get a blog post out of it and break down each group of people, and point out who is the worst of the worst, and, even though it is not anything to hang your hat on, who sucks the least.

The Hosts

Worst of the Worst - Chris Jericho

This hurts, because I am a devoted Jerichoholic. Chris Jericho will probably forever be one of my five favorite wrestlers of all time. His best was as good as anybody's in sports entertainment. But man, he makes me very uncomfortable as a host. Everything just seems forced with him, and he rarely looks comfortable. If he isn't forcing himself into tight clothing, he is trying to force a smile, and neither looks like an enjoyable experience. Jericho is a natural entertainer, but he is proof that hosting is not as easy as it looks.

Best of the Worst - Renee Young

Renee Young actually does a nice job with things, but this show doesn't need a whole lot of hosting, so having two hosts is pretty dumb. I would lean towards keeping Renee since she's much more natural, and she made me laugh pretty hard when she gave the Gabi the side-eye after she got eliminated. 

The Judges

Worst of the Worst - Hulk Hogan

(Note: I actually wrote this a day before the controversy from late last week, and compared to that, Tough Enough has not even made a dent in his legacy, but I don't want to get into anything that important in what is essentially just my stupid thoughts on a crappy reality show. The silver lining of all of this is that he's no longer going to be a judge, so, yay?)
This is why this show is such garbage. It makes the wrestlers I loved growing up seem way less likable. Hulk tries to do the damn yes chant every time Daniel Bryan is introduced, and in his mind, he probably thinks he's putting over Bryan, but he's that old guy who is still trying to act cool instead of realizing it's way cooler to just understand that you're an adult so you don't have to worry about acting cool anymore. Childhood Me loves you, Hulk Hogan, but to ensure that love, I'd like to see you less.

Best of the Worst - Daniel Bryan

Compared to most people, I am not that big of a Daniel Bryan fan. I like him; but I don't see him as the greatest pro wrestling thing that has ever come into existence, so that puts me in the minority. Still, the guy is incredibly likable, and as Enzo Amore would say, "Ya can't teach that." He's definitely the most consistently good thing about the show, and he was part of my favorite moment of the season, but we'll get to that later.

The Ladies

Worst of the Worst - Gabi

Gabi didn't know what a promo was, so she did terrible in that challenge (Warning: This is painful to watch). 

Then she never learned what a promo was after that. At least she got cut.

Best of the Worst - Amanda
I know everyone would expect me to say Sara Lee, but I'm not going to. Sara Lee hasn't really shown much of anything, but she has a couple things going for her. She seems nice, and she's just plain enough that the average wrestling fan thinks they have a shot with her, even though she is way, way too hot for the average wrestling fan. Amanda is probably the best looking one left, and she has done pretty well in most challenges, so she deserves to go far, but she'll be ousted the first time they put her in the bottom three.

The Dudes
Worst of the Worst - ZZ
You can be a fat guy and be a successful professional wrestler, but the fat guys who succeed aren't just random fat guys with some good luck. They're athletes, and their cardio is off the charts. ZZ does not have this going for him as he consistently gets blown out in every physical challenge and doesn't have much of a concept of what a pro wrestler is, and I don't think the WWE needs a Eugene character without any wrestling ability. ZZ is just a fat guy who is out of shape and just wants to make children smile. He would make an ideal Mall Santa.

Best of the Worst - Tanner
In any competition that is not MMA, I will always root for the MMA guy, so Tanner was my guy from the start. I knew he would destroy people in anything involving cardio, and he has done that. Not only that, he destroyed the police in a course that they had trained to excel in. Most importantly, he realized that he's not the most dynamic character, so instead of trying to develop charisma, he's just trying to hit on the ladies of the house. Also, his actions led to the best moment of the show when he basically tricked Chelsea into kissing him. The judges reaction was important as Paige and Hulk were rambling about how it was awkward, weak, and he had no game. Finally, Daniel Bryan, the voice of reason, finally pipes in, and says, "I thought it was pretty smooth...he got the kiss." Was it a total scumbag maneuver? Of course it was, but nobody got hurt, so it worked. It was a smooth move, and I'm glad Daniel Bryan pointed that out.

As you can see, this show is not good. Even some of the bests only get half-hearted praise, because the show is pretty half-hearted in its delivery. It's really an awful show, and yes, I will continue to watch.

Dream Job

Anybody remember that show Dream Job on ESPN? That was a pretty cool show, and I tried out for it twice. The second year they had me in for a second interview after I completely dominated the debate part and followed it up by killing it on their 30 page questionnaire. Then they never had the season that I tried out for. That was a random tangent that has very little to do with what I am going to talk about today and that is my current dream job.

My current dream job is to become a garbage man. Currently, I have friends who work at the dump, but they aren't living the glamorous lifestyle that I would lead if I were a garbage man. First off, I would take everything back about twenty years. I don't want to be called a sanitation worker, and I also don't want a robotic claw to pick up the trash. I would also prefer that my neighborhood would have those classic metal garbage cans that they still use in wrestling matches.

For my attire, you better believe I wouldn't be wearing a shirt when I was working. I'd also probably compliment it with work boots and jean shorts, cutoffs of course. Looking at me normally seems like the epitome of badass, but me out in the blazing sun throwing garbage in the back of the truck shirtless would be sextasy for the ladies.

Next up, we would be in a rich neighborhood with great weather year round (that way, I'd never have to wear a shirt). Can you imagine what those housewives would do if they saw me and my boys throwing trash in the back of the truck and high-fiving like there's no tomorrow? I'd tell you what they'd do, they'd offer for us to come inside. They would say it was just to get us some lemonade since it's so hot out there, but I have a strong feeling that me in nothing but jean shorts and work boots would lead to too much sexual tension for them to resist.

Now sure, there would be those sticky situations where the husbands come home and come across the garbage man sans jean shorts and might get a little jealous. But then they'd realize that I was the garbage man, and they'd be cool with it. I imagine some of them would want to quit their high-paying Hollywood agent gig to join the crew. I'd tell him to start working on those abs and maybe we would consider him. After I put on my jean shorts, he'd probably high-five me too, because everybody loves the garbage man.

After that, I would meet up with my crew where we'd laugh about our sexual conquests. I'd hop on the back on the garbage truck as we rode into the sunset. Just another day in the life of the garbage man.

So yeah, that's my dream job.

-Joe

P.S. We'd probably eat something like this every day just to prove our manliness.