Showing posts with label Hugs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hugs. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

How To Defend Against Guns...And HUGS

Guns are scary, right? If somebody pointed a gun at you, would you know what to do? It may seem like insurmountable odds, but there is a method that will neutralize any shooter. The somersault.
It's pretty simple. You just somersault, and the shooter will no longer be aiming his gun at you. He will still be aiming at chest level, but your chest is now on the ground, so he won't come close to hitting you. The beauty of the somersault as opposed to a simple sprawl is that you have now closed the distance and set yourself up for a brutal kick to the nuts.

Afterwards, you may be tempted to try to disarm the man with the gun. Don't even worry about that part. Instead, stand up and try a very awkward neck takedown that has never been used effectively in mankind's history. But mankind has never seen a person like you, and you are the one that will make great use of this. Obviously, after your neck takedown, you should go back to the nut strikes. The assailant will only be able to sadly cradle his gun, because you have destroyed his frank and beans with your vicious elbows. Chicks, dudes, and even some farm animals will totally want to bang you.

And folks, I have some wonderful news. We have a second technique to talk about.

As with the gun problem, we all know that we can be killed with violence. But there is also an expression of "Kill them with kindness." This may not seem like a literal issue, but it actually is. Have you ever found yourself trapped in a group hug? It can be terrifying, but fear not, my beautiful friend. There is hope.
You just twist as hard as you can and turn their love against them. Haha, look at those suckers who just wanted to show that they cared. Now the only thing they'll be caring for is their wounds from their vicious fall to the ground. It is the best revenge against family and friends. Afterwards, you can say something cool like, "Love hurts, motherfucker."

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

I Have No Idea Who To Hug

I am 31-years-old, and I still have no idea what to do in most social situations. I usually do fairly well despite not truly knowing what I'm doing. But if there is one situation where I am a bumbling buffoon, it is how to greet and say goodbye to people. Basically, I have no idea who to hug.

There are some simple situations. If I don't know a dude, bam, handshake, nothing more, nothing less. It is probably my favorite interaction simply because I actually know what to do. 

Then there are the males you are close to in your life. My Dad is the only male that I can guarantee gets a full hug from me. Some good friends get a full hug, and some only get a bro hug. Where is that line crossed? Shit, I have no clue, and this can lead to my first awkward interaction. If I go for a bro hug, and he goes for a full hug, I could seem like I do not value the friendship enough, and it is much more that I am too awkward to figure out how to interact with people. But seriously, thank god for the bro hug for giving me something between a hug and handshake, because there really needed to be that middle ground. Still, interactions with the fellas rarely end in disaster.

Now, much like all of my interactions with the opposite sex, there is always a chance of it ending in disaster. Who do I hug without coming across as a pervert? This is a question that has plagued mankind for generations. 

With people from work, it always starts with handshakes, but eventually, you do develop a friendly relationship, and what is the point where you give a female coworker a hug for special situations (obviously, you don't give handshakes and hugs to people you see very day; that would be exhausting). I have no idea where this line is crossed. The President of where I currently work went to give me a hug at our Christmas party, but I had already gone for the handshake, and it ended up with me believing I would be fired by the end of the day. I went out of my way to give her a hug later and probably saved my job at the process.

With female friends and acquaintances, it is almost too complicated to fully comprehend. At what point do ladies go from a handshake to a hug? Like, if I am meeting an acquaintance's significant other, I can only greet with a handshake, but after conversing with them, do I end with a hug? And how good of a friend does my buddy need to be for me to greet his lady with a hug despite never meeting her before? Are they going to think I'm a pervert? I really don't want to be labeled a pervert, but I also don't want to be the weirdo who only shakes ladies' hands. These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night.

Anyway, I'm really hoping that I'm not the only person who struggles with this. Maybe we could start a support group and figure this shit out together. Oh God, I just realized how big of a loser I am, because I basically want to create The Game, but instead of having sex with women, it's just to figure out handshakes and hugs. Thank God I'm already married, because I am not a catch.

Monday, January 7, 2013

The Top 10 Tweets From #YesWeCanseco

Jose Canseco is at it again, and he is doing his best to change the world. He had a ton of New Year's Resolutions that were supposed to keep him on track for the entire year. He was fully committed until he hit a roadblock and got distracted, but that still counts as full commitment for Jose. It has led to his strongest hashtag effort of all time, #YesWeCanseco. Let's go over the top ten tweets from this movement.
Ah, Jose had high hopes for his anti-aging formula, Ponce de Canseco. he was going to give everyone the formula for immortality in the least catchy way possible. Unfortunately, someone named Geoff took the website before Jose could lock it down. God damnit, Geoff. You son of a bitch. Looking back on things, has anything good ever come from someone who spelled Jeff in the effeminate way. Don’t you dare say Geoffery the Giraffe, that long-necked douchebag put all the cool toys up too high when I was a baby boy. Damn you, GtG.
Once he lost the website name, he got distracted and started focusing on different things. After he ran out of shiny things to chase around, he decided to become the Mayor of Toronto, because that is something that Cubans who moved to the United States can do.

Jose saw that the NHL strike was a problem, and boom, shit gets fixed. You gotta give him props on that. No word on that Jarvis Bike Path yet.

Jose Canseco is Toronto. Toronto is Jose Canseco. Neither will fall down.

Damnit. I wish Jose was my mayor, although I would go with a Five Guys, Jose is clearly the guy who could get it done. This man knows what the people want.

Did Jose just find out that he’s Canadian and not Cuban? That is really the only way he found good news on this front, and that would be pretty awesome. Also, Jose is the one person who could confuse the two for his entire life.

I'm guessing that a lot of people sent pictures to Jose. I am guessing that a great majority of these pictures were not of Yes We Canseco signs. I am guessing a lot of these signs were just dudes taking pictures of their junk and sending it to Canseco. I hope this is not the lasting legacy of Yes We Canseco.

There is no way that Jose could have afforded a flight to NY. Bettman saved the NHL and Jose's bank account.

This one really bums me out. It bums me out, because I know Jose is not writing these. There is no way he would have spelled Larry Tanenbaum's name right. There is no way he would have gotten his name right. He would have made a plea to the mascot to let him play hockey for the team.

Aw, shit, I could never stay mad at you. Hugs 4 U, Jose. Hugs 4 U.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Jose Canseco Is Brilliant

Usually, I like to have a theme when I break down Jose Canseco tweets, but sometimes, I just feel that I need to break things down, even if there is no centralized plot line here. He has provided a potpourri of interesting items, and I would be remiss if I did not help share his thoughts with the world. Let's begin:

I am above mocking Jose for his lack of capitalization, punctuation, and spelling, so let's just ignore all of those and focus on the message. This is where we run into problems. The first problem is that the Caribbean is basically just a generic name for islands in a certain part of the world. The second, and most important problem, is that Cancun is in Mexico, which is not even a part of the Caribbean. Not your best effort, Jose, but you'll get 'em next time.

Who? That's easy...
K-Dogg is the most powerful man in Mexico, so if something's going down, he's got to be involved. But why is he doing this? Well, that's pretty goddamned obvious. Because he can. Arriba la raza!

Although most people assume this medical condition was caused by excessive steroid use, those people are wrong. Sure, those people have "doctor's evidence" on their side, but a Ph.D. doesn't make you a genius. So what really caused his testosterone problem, you ask? Lack of hugs. So please, ladies and gentleman, give this man a hug.

Also, as a bonus, Jose Canseco has since deleted these, but my phone saved them to give me a chance to share these amazing tweets with the world:
That is really what he wrote. There is clearly only one place that this joke is going, and it's clearly going to be Jose claiming he has a large penis. He hasn't done this in a while, but it is probably time for him to assert this so he can impress his Twitter followers. I guess I'll still read ahead to make sure I'm righ...wait, what? No fucking way. In a shocking upset, the punchline is...
Wow. Just...wow. At this point, it is becoming a very real possibility that Jose Canseco is some sort of comedy genius. Nobody could not think penis with the opening of this riddle, and to come back with "My arms hugging you saying thanks for supporting me," deserves to be recognized. These are not tweets that should be deleted. These tweets should be taught to all young writers, because it is pure genius. God bless you, Jose Canseco. You inspire us all.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Jose Canseco Is The Next Great...Entrepreneur?

Just call Jose Canseco butter, because he is on a Twitter roll. He asks to play baseball again, and boom, he's on a Mexican League team immediately, and that team just happens to play its home games in Cancun. Have you ever seen the documentary, The Real Cancun? It is easily the greatest thing that MTV has ever done. 

Anyway, Jose went on another Twitter tirade recently, and eventually came up with the greatest business idea in the history of commerce. But as great as the idea is, it's the journey that got him there that makes this so special.
It is no wonder I like The Ultimate Warrior and Jose Canseco, because Warrior has claimed that nightmares are the best part of his day. Maybe I subconsciously love nightmares. How is this idea going to make him money? It isn't, but it helps get us on the path to straight cash, homey.
Yes, Jose has gone from nightmares to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Actually, thinking again about that movie, it's not as far as a leap as I initially thought. But, Jose is a happy guy, so let's take a happy journey through that crazed head of his. Willy Wonka isn't the best movie to think about, as this is much more of a Being John Malkovich moment.

Great idea I had when reading these tweets is that Jose Canseco should have a musical made about his life. There are happy tunes, sad tunes, and honestly, probably some really weird tunes along with it. Not only will Jose show you his entrepreneuring abilities, but he has even inspired me to be an entrepreneur myself. Jose, tweet at me, bro. We can make this musical thing happen. How will we get the funding? Well, I think you already have the money making idea to make our dreams come true.
YES! A hug store is a great idea, and there is nobody better to open it up than you, Jose Canseco. This is the idea that will make you the world's next great entrepreneur. There is a desire for hugs, but nobody to deliver them in a convenient place. It's a great idea, Jose, but you must focus. Do not let anything else take your attention from the world's greatest idea. Are we on the same page?
God damnit.