I Have No Idea Who To Hug

I am 31-years-old, and I still have no idea what to do in most social situations. I usually do fairly well despite not truly knowing what I'm doing. But if there is one situation where I am a bumbling buffoon, it is how to greet and say goodbye to people. Basically, I have no idea who to hug.

There are some simple situations. If I don't know a dude, bam, handshake, nothing more, nothing less. It is probably my favorite interaction simply because I actually know what to do. 

Then there are the males you are close to in your life. My Dad is the only male that I can guarantee gets a full hug from me. Some good friends get a full hug, and some only get a bro hug. Where is that line crossed? Shit, I have no clue, and this can lead to my first awkward interaction. If I go for a bro hug, and he goes for a full hug, I could seem like I do not value the friendship enough, and it is much more that I am too awkward to figure out how to interact with people. But seriously, thank god for the bro hug for giving me something between a hug and handshake, because there really needed to be that middle ground. Still, interactions with the fellas rarely end in disaster.

Now, much like all of my interactions with the opposite sex, there is always a chance of it ending in disaster. Who do I hug without coming across as a pervert? This is a question that has plagued mankind for generations. 

With people from work, it always starts with handshakes, but eventually, you do develop a friendly relationship, and what is the point where you give a female coworker a hug for special situations (obviously, you don't give handshakes and hugs to people you see very day; that would be exhausting). I have no idea where this line is crossed. The President of where I currently work went to give me a hug at our Christmas party, but I had already gone for the handshake, and it ended up with me believing I would be fired by the end of the day. I went out of my way to give her a hug later and probably saved my job at the process.

With female friends and acquaintances, it is almost too complicated to fully comprehend. At what point do ladies go from a handshake to a hug? Like, if I am meeting an acquaintance's significant other, I can only greet with a handshake, but after conversing with them, do I end with a hug? And how good of a friend does my buddy need to be for me to greet his lady with a hug despite never meeting her before? Are they going to think I'm a pervert? I really don't want to be labeled a pervert, but I also don't want to be the weirdo who only shakes ladies' hands. These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night.

Anyway, I'm really hoping that I'm not the only person who struggles with this. Maybe we could start a support group and figure this shit out together. Oh God, I just realized how big of a loser I am, because I basically want to create The Game, but instead of having sex with women, it's just to figure out handshakes and hugs. Thank God I'm already married, because I am not a catch.

How I Grew Up And Became a Progressive Thinking Dude

When it comes to life, I'm an idiot. I have made ridiculously bad and irresponsible decisions my entire life. The only thing I am pretty intelligent about is sports, and that, in itself, is stupid. I'm not making a living off my sports knowledge, and the amount of time I spend invested in sports is really ridiculous, because in the grand scheme, they are pointless. Still, I am aware that this aspect will probably never change no matter how much logic tells me it should.

What really got me thinking about what an idiot I am was my progression to be less of an idiot when it comes to women. If you had talked to me ten years ago, my thoughts on women were basically about the same as a Neanderthal. I quoted Andrew Dice Clay as if he made good points. Come to think of it, I wasn't much better five years ago. I started liking girls as human beings, but I still felt the Entourage bros had life figured out. But now, typing that sentence makes me sick to my stomach. That's what I call progress.

When I first graduated college, I had a job where I very much disliked my female boss. I was under the impression that women didn't make good bosses. Now I realize that this was stupid, as she was just a bad boss and could have easily been as bad had she been a male. I was a know-it-all shithead, so part of the blame goes on me.

Then I started working with some very impressive ladies, and I realized I do not care whether I work with women or men. With guys, I can talk about sports, or things get really awkward. With women, I can talk about The Bachelor, but even if they don't watch that, they tend to laugh at my jokes more. Maybe it's because I am good looking. That's sexist, but it's either that or I am actually funny, which makes me arrogant, so pick your poison.

Anyway, I got married in September, and now I am a huge fan of women's rights. My wife has succeeded in a male-dominated industry, and that's awesome. She's super cool, and I like love her and shit. But none of this is a big deal, because I would hope that most people share my opinion that women should be treated equally in the work place.

Lately, people have pointed out how comfortable I am with non-traditional things. I let my wife go out on dates with other guys. When it is printed like that, it sounds pretty bad, but she has worked in a male-dominated industry for ten years, so she has a lot of friends that are guys. I understand that people think it's weird, but logically, it just makes sense to me. She gets a free meal, which saves money, and I get some alone time with the dog, so win-win. I think the biggest thing that people would worry about is her cheating on me, but this isn't a concern of mine. First off, I trust my wife. Second, I am way too lazy to keep track of her at all times, so if she wants to cheat, she can find a way to do so without me knowing. I am not an observant person, so she could probably get away with it forever.

The other thing that has come up recently is her changing her last name. When we first got engaged, she joked about keeping her last name, and I was adamant that she was going to have my last name. This was only about a year ago, but I have done a 180 on this issue. It's a really silly thing for the woman to take a wife's name, as it basically seems to be done to show ownership, but it's also a tradition which is why I thought it mattered. I definitely don't own my woman, and I also don't think her last name has any effect on the strength of our relationship so it stopped mattering to me. Also, it seems like a real hassle for ladies to change their names on everything. With that being said, she chose to take my last name, but it was after I failed at convincing her that it was a waste of time. She wanted that tradition, which is also totally cool by me.

All of these events helped me realize that I am becoming a progressive dude. It is partially because I don't care about things that don't matter or that I can't control, but at least it gets me to the proper mindset. I understand that I am still not the most progressive thinker in the world, and in ten years, I will probably realize how stupid I was about a variety of other issues, but at least I'm taking positive steps. Going from an ignorant piece of shit to a human being is pretty cool.

Daggering

I am a fervent supporter of West Coast Dance, as, when it comes to the artistic side of dance, I don't think it gets any more beautiful than well executed West Coast Dance moves. Up until now, I have also found it to be the most entertaining form of dance, but like all great art forms, West Coast Dance has evolved. Jamaicans have clearly seen a man sitting on the floor playing air piano, or seen a girl turned upside down and her hair used to mop the floor; they probably even saw a man use a broom and a sweeper to push poor dancers off to the side to give more room for true West Coast Dancers. They saw this and were inspired. These brave Jamaicans have made it their own and created Daggering.

When I first saw this video on World Star Hip Hop, my jaw was agape throughout the entire thing and for most of the hour that followed. I went to YouTube to find more, and I found this extended version that has changed my entire world view.

If you have never seen Daggering, let me just warn you: You're not ready. I have seen some crazy shit on the dance floor, and I was not ready for what I saw. There were times where I literally started screaming in excitement, because they went to places I could only dream of. The entire video is amazing, but I wanted to break down my favorite parts.

Let's start off with a gentleman spinning his lady around until losing his balance and sending her head first into the floor.

That girl is not moving, so the guy does the gentlemanly thing and covers her head with his hat. The thing I love about this is that there was no way he was going to stop spinning until he fell to the floor and gave this girl a concussion. Also, I'd like to point out that there is a walker just hanging out on the dance floor. Learning lessons from West Coast Dance, props play a huge part in Daggering.

This next one is pretty amazing. This guy finds a woman with the full intention to abuse her. Like, he seemingly just picks this woman completely at random and decides, "Yep, I'm about to fuck up your back." He finds a pole for the girl to hold onto, then finds a fast food trash receptacle, and then...well, then magic happens.

He gives her a big splash. Then he swings around on the pole to get back on his perch and just kind of jumps off to the side. But he spins one more time around to get on the trash can and proceeds to jump with all of his might on her back and ride her like a pony. The most amazing part is that this girl seems unfazed by the entire thing. That Jamaican chick is straight up country strong.

Just a middle of the dance floor face hump, no big deal.

As you can tell, people are very excited by this maneuver.

Next we have a guy who climbs on top of the speakers to do a big splash on not one, not two, but three women who are lying on a table on top of each other.

There are wrestlers in the WWE who would be unwilling to take these bumps. And on top of that, it ends with a different guy beating a girl with a belt, and then choking her with it. That's a little extreme, even for me, but that's just how they Dagger down south.

All you need to know is that this next video is of a man powerbombing a large woman onto another large woman.

Notice how I said that these were women? These ain't no girls. These are grown ass women. The girl who got powerbombed popped right back up, despite her ass hanging out of her pants. And the girl lying on the ground knew that something bad was going to happen to her, and she took it like a champ. Oh, but we've saved her shining moment for last.

A guy uses a step ladder to give this woman a splash and then violently humps her. That's pretty awesome, but what happens after made my jaw drop, and I have not been able to shut my mouth since. Just watch, because nothing can prepare you for what happens next.

HE HOOKED A CAR BATTERY TO HER VAGINA I REPEAT: HE HOOKED A CAR BATTERY TO HER VAGINA. I have so many questions.

1. Was there a car battery at the dance floor?
2. If not, who had the idea to bring one?
3. Did they take it from their own car?
4. Did they steal it from another car?
5. Did they know that they were going to hook it to a woman's vagina that night?
6. Was it a conscience decision to hook up the positive end?
7. Is this because vaginas are a positive thing, so it only makes sense to go positive to positive?
8. Would something different have happened had he hooked up the negative end?
9. Is the negative end reserved for buttholes?
10. Finally, are they going to put the battery back in the car that they got it from or is it seen as the cost of great Daggering?

Whoever did this, thank you. Thank you so much, because sometimes I doubt that the world can ever truly create anything new and wonderful. And then I saw this, and I rejoiced, because innovation isn't running out of energy, it's being hooked to car batteries and creating the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I got married five months ago, and Daggering is right up there as the best thing to happen to me in the last year.

Who's down for a trip to Jamaica?