What It's Like To Be Fired

I got fired for the first time in my life on Friday. Before I get into the details, let me tell you that I am not looking for any sympathy. It is a the very definition of a "shit happens" situation, and although I will not be having income coming in, I think it is very likely to work out for the best. Still, it's a bit of a surreal experience, and I think it's this taboo thing that people are embarrassed to talk about so I figure I would go into details, because I'm not the first, and I highly doubt I will be the last person to unexpectedly lose their job.

Longtime readers of the blog will know that I have been unemployed before, but this was because of my own stupid decisions of leaving full-time positions just because I'm a moron and don't really give a shit about money, but in all my time, I had never even been close to being fired based on my performance.

So I had been at my current position for a year and a half. That's a decent amount of time but certainly nothing that stands out. Well, at that organization, it was actually kind of incredible. We employed about 80-100 people, and I had the 15th most seniority before I was let go. I have never seen a place churn out people like this. They are constantly hiring, because if people are good, they move on, and they also are quick on the trigger to fire people because they do a fairly shitty job of training people, so unless you can teach yourself, you probably won't last long.

Now there's many other incredibly messed up things that happen at that organization, but maybe that's a blog for a later date as I just felt like a little background was needed before I really got into things.

So, it was around 4:00 on Friday (yes, they do the cliche thing of waiting until the end of the day on Friday, like Office Space), and I was just sitting at my desk, doing anything I could to pass the time, because I was way ahead on my work. My manager approached me and said the Managing Director wanted to see me in the office. I have never had a meeting with this man, because I have made it a mission to avoid him like the plague since he's just a miserable person. My manager seemed serious in her tone, but I manage events, and everyone agrees that my events always run the smoothest, because I am always incredibly prepared and it also helps that I have the most experience. So, going in, I was slightly concerned, but as I was walking over there, I was running through my head, "What could I have possibly fucked up?" and I came up with nothing.

This walk only took about 15 seconds, but it still gave me enough time to consider that maybe they just wanted to talk about my upcoming event, since it was kind of a big one, and maybe the Managing Director just wanted to be more involved. It certainly didn't seem like my time was about to end there.

I got in the office, and both of their faces were serious and they shut the door behind me. I knew that was a bad sign, but still, I was at like 50% that something bad was about to go down. I'm a logical person, and logically, there was literally no reason for me to lose my job. I will say that the one thing that I appreciated was that the Managing Director started off, "I hate to have this conversation, but we're going to be letting you go." That band-aid got ripped off quick. And even though I was not attached my job and often dreaded going into work, you still get that drop in your stomach where it's like, "Holy shit, how in the hell did I get fired?"

He then went on to explain that it had nothing to do with my performance as he appreciated all of my hard work, but they are doing less events next year, so they needed to downsize the department. So, they got rid of the guy with the most experience. Did I ask any questions? No, at that point, it wasn't going to change anything, and I really didn't give a shit about the why, the end result was all that mattered at this point. He kept talking, saying that my work was appreciated, and they'd be happy to give a reference, but at that point, my head was spinning, and I really just wanted to pack up and get out of there.

We said our goodbyes, and I went to pack up my desk which was literally just me grabbing my protein and granola bars as I did not have a single memento in my work space. My manager came by and said that she was told not to talk to me, which I guess is part of the dehumanizing experience of losing a job; you're no longer a person that can be talked to as you are now an unpredictable form that people must tread lightly around. She gave me more details about my severance, but even that I had to email about later to get more details as it was just a feeling of shock. Not happy, not sad, not angry, just trying to comprehend what the hell just happened.

In one of the funnier moments, she asked if I wanted her to tell everyone, and I'm like, "Well, I'm right here; I think I can handle it." I then had to announce, "Hey everyone, I, for real, just got fired." I had to put in "for real" because I have joked about being fired at least a dozen times, and that joke all of a sudden got a whole lot less funny. Everyone was in shock, but I left them to deal with the shock as I wanted to go home to see my pup dog.

After I got out of the office, I called my wife, she didn't answer, so then I texted her, "So heads  up, I just lost my job. Not a joke." Again, I had often joked about being fired. Again, the joke is not nearly as funny anymore. After that, I called up a temp agency that I had done work for when I first moved to the area, because my goal is to find something as soon as possible, so I scheduled an interview with them for Monday. Then my wife called back, and I gave her the update, but I let her know that my mind was racing, so I really didn't even know what to say. Even though I couldn't tell you anything she really said outside of that she loves me, having another person there makes it a whole ton easier. If I was on my own, I'd be way more freaked out about things, but just having someone else (especially someone more successful than me) makes this much easier to take.

Then I got home to play with Casey The Dog. We wrestled around a little bit, and I continued my post-firing plan and blasted out a half dozen messages on LinkedIn with people I know well who might be able to help me find something. I've already gotten a good amount of responses of people recommending things or telling me that they'll let me know if they hear about anything.

After that, Casey and I went on a walk, because I had all this pent up energy and couldn't sit still. At that point, I was able to kind of dissect the situation. I'm 90% sure I know why I got fired. When I started, I had a good amount of experience, so I negotiated a salary that was higher than everyone else's in my department, so due to my master negotiation skills, I was the obvious option to get rid of, because it would save the company the most money. There is a 10% chance that they just didn't like me, and since this is not a logical place to work, I definitely won't rule it out.

But honestly, it still doesn't matter why I got fired. I got fired; that's what matters. And I'm writing about it, because that's easier than talking about it. You feel like a failure, and you feel like a loser, and it is embarrassing, but shit happens. I survived a damn kidney stone, and that was a FAR MORE traumatic experience than getting fired was. I bounced back from that, and I'll bounce back from this. My overall review is that it sucks getting fired, but it's not the end of the world. I still have my wife, still have my pup dog, and most importantly, I still have no stones in my kidneys.

Yes, I got fired, but things are going to be fine, and I think there's a good chance that it works out for the best.

Do University of Phoenix Students Have Brains?

I'm not sure about you, but lately, I have been accosted about a University of Phoenix commercial that proposes that University of Phoenix students are ideal job candidates because of their online educational background. It has a very annoying song about having a brain in it, as it states that no matter what they have been through, they have brains, but, despite their best efforts, I do not feel that these people have done anything to show any bit of intelligence. In fact, I would like to rank the worst people to hire in this commercial, and trust me, it's quite a battle.

11. Life's short, talk is cheap

Okay, not sure why this guy is going to the University of Phoenix. He appears to wear suits and have his own office, so that's a pretty good sign that he's doing alright. He is wasting time at work studying for his online classes. The only logical conclusion is that this is a Kramer situation where he is just showing up to work instead of actually having a job there. He's probably able to use the internet for his assignments, so that's good hustle at least.

10. You can try to do it faster, I was born a multi-tasker

This is actually a surprise twist. The multi-tasker is not the mother who is breastfeeding and reading through Rob Gronkowski erotic fiction. It's the baby, as he is eating and getting to second base. Hey-o! Give that baby a job.

9. Got three kids, I never rest.

Okay, I really have no real beef with this lady. She's riding the bus and trying to do homework. This actually seems like a situation where an online university makes sense. Although one minor beef is that this looks like a bus with no seats.

8. Don't you want that kind of brain?

Most nondescript person in this commercial. She might be cousins with Snoop from The Wire. That's all I got.

7. I was raised against the grain

How in the hell did the University of Phoenix contact a hobo to get an online degree? This man is used to riding the rails. He's a damn vagabond. The man already has a degree in survival, I'm not sure how much his associate's is really going to help him. It also probably won't matter after he murders and eats the guy sleeping on his shoulder.

6. I'll be working while you sleep

So, people try to talk about farming being this podunk low-paying, salt of the earth occupation, but there's a lot of farmers making good money. And yeah, they wake up early, but the equipment basically drives itself. I mean, just look at the guy above. He's reading a book while taking care of his land. This is a man who was clearly tricked by the vulture sales team at University of Phoenix (I used to work at a for-profit college, and the bad stories about them tricking people into signing up are 100% true). This guy doesn't even need a job; he's just throwing money away getting a degree.

5. So my kids don't have to forage, got two jobs to pay the mortgage.

Okay, that is a lady who is not a stable parent. She has unruly children, and she is about to lose her shit. I mean, look at those eyes. This is not a woman who should be adding any more stress to her life. On top of this, she bought a house that was beyond her financial means and needs two jobs to pay the mortgage. That is very poor planning. Even if she gets an education, her instability is a liability, and that makes her a bad hire.

4. Still don't think I have a brain?

Oh god, she's been possessed by the devil. There is no brain activity going on in that head of hers, only the works of the devil. All employers stay away.

3. I took two bullets to the chest

Okay, like I at least get what they're trying to get across with the other people in this commercial, but this guy? How is that an appealing characteristic? Random people don't get shot all that much, and I think we all know that this guy got shot by his own child because he failed to put the safety on his gun. The really sad thing is that the child did it on two separate occasions, as the guy didn't even learn after the first bullet to the chest. I thought for sure this guy would win, so it is mind-boggling that he only made it to the third dumbest person on this list. Also, why are you boxing shirtless by yourself? Put on a damn shirt you goon.

2. You think a resume's enough? We'll step up when things get tough.

This is probably the most disturbing scene of the commercial. This man is carrying his mother in a frantic situation. I'm pretty sure the building is on fire. Instead of taking her out, he carries her deep into the building to sit her in a wheelchair in the middle of an empty room. He then leaves, and gives that haunting sigh that says, "Yes, this was the right decision." I do not want to hire that person. I don't want that person to get a degree. This is a monster. Fear this man.

1. A degree is a degree. You're gonna want someone like me. But only if you have a brain.

And somehow this is still a worse person. This woman is just straight up awful for what she does to this poor guy. He just wants to go home. They give you warnings at the library to state that it's going to be closing soon, so she knew not to get deep into anything. But does she care? No. in fact, she doesn't even give the common courtesy to look at this guy who has been working and just wants to go home and see his kids before they go to bed. Letting your mother burn is one thing, but this lady has gone too far. She doesn't have a brain. Hell, she doesn't even have a heart.

Fantasy Booking the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

In my neverending quest to be employed by the WWE, I have come up with a new plan.  Not a lot of people know that Vince Russo started out his career by fantasy booking for the WWE under the name Vic Venom.  While I lack the racism and non-sensical writing style of Vince Russo, I feel I can provide well thought out stories that actually accomplish things like getting wrestlers over.  With that in mind I present my fantasy booking to be presented as a job application to the WWE.

I'm going to start it off with a bang and fantasy book the World Title scene.  The WWE needs this advice, I sincerely hope they take it.

I actually had to rewrite this a bit, but the main points remain the same.  Reigns continues to act like a tweener while people boo the hell out of him.  At Payback he and Styles fight a hard fought match where towards the end there’s a ref bump, Styles accidently catches the ref with a boot while hitting the Phenomenal Forearm.   Styles has him pinned but there’s no ref to count.  Styles tries to get the ref up then Reigns hits a superman punch.  All three men are down when Anderson and Gallows come out.  The crowd is going crazy assuming they’re going to attack Reigns and make Styles the champ.  Instead, they pick up Styles and hit him with the Boot of Doom.  They slide out, Reigns makes the cover and retains.  He gives Anderson and Gallows a confused look, then smiles.  All three men beat down Styles after the match and pose as the show goes off the air.

On RAW the next night, Reigns comes out with Gallows and Anderson and cuts a heel promo about how the crowd didn’t like him, so he went out and got two of their favorites from Japan, so how do you like him now?.  He goes full crazy and calls the group the New Shield.  Reigns then calls out Ambrose.  He says Ambrose is his brother and he wants him in the New Shield.  Ambrose says he still loves Reigns but he can’t support what he did, he can’t join his group.  The New Shield brutally beatdown Ambrose and hit him with a triple powerbomb.  Styles comes out to make the save and is beatdown too.  This sets up the next few months of main event program with Ambrose trying to take down Reigns, but eventually falling to the numbers game, even with Styles help.  Styles also gets his chances but suffers the same fate as Ambrose.

After a few months, Reigns is in the ring doing a heel celebration with his New Shield.  Ambrose comes out on the ramp with Styles and challenges Reigns to a multiman tag team match where if their team wins, they get a Fatal Four Way Match for the title in Hell in A Cell.  Reigns cockily responds that it doesn’t matter who Styles and Reigns find in the back, no one can hang with the three of them.  Cue the hard hitting guitar and out comes Seth Rollins.  They go down and clear the ring.  The crowd goes nuts.  When the match happens, Rollins is the equalizer that Ambrose and Styles have been looking for and Reigns is pinned after a curbstomp.  This sets up the main event at Summerslam, a Fatal 4 way for the WWE Title inside Hell in A Cell.

Reigns is entrenched as a heel who is actually over, meaning that his eventual face turn will be actually well received.  It gives him a reason to turn heel which the WWE has needed for months, but they couldn’t exactly have him join the Authority since they were fighting each other.  It gets Ambrose in the main event where he belongs judging by the crowd’s reaction to him and keeps AJ Styles in the main event where he should be for the rest of his career.  Anderson and Gallows are also elevated as a clearly dangerous tag team that should be near or on top of the division for years to come.  Seth Rollins gets to make his triumphant return where he will clearly get a huge face reaction and you have a huge main event for Summerslam to push buys of the network.

I had written this before Anderson and Gallows had been interacting with Styles.  If I had complete control, there would have been no mention of the three and their history before Payback, making their appearance more of a surprise and more of a big moment.  Now it seems that Anderson and Gallows will almost definitely be involved in the match in some form, but you can still follow the story the rest of the way and make sure that everyone involved is elevated.

I Have No Idea Who To Hug

I am 31-years-old, and I still have no idea what to do in most social situations. I usually do fairly well despite not truly knowing what I'm doing. But if there is one situation where I am a bumbling buffoon, it is how to greet and say goodbye to people. Basically, I have no idea who to hug.

There are some simple situations. If I don't know a dude, bam, handshake, nothing more, nothing less. It is probably my favorite interaction simply because I actually know what to do. 

Then there are the males you are close to in your life. My Dad is the only male that I can guarantee gets a full hug from me. Some good friends get a full hug, and some only get a bro hug. Where is that line crossed? Shit, I have no clue, and this can lead to my first awkward interaction. If I go for a bro hug, and he goes for a full hug, I could seem like I do not value the friendship enough, and it is much more that I am too awkward to figure out how to interact with people. But seriously, thank god for the bro hug for giving me something between a hug and handshake, because there really needed to be that middle ground. Still, interactions with the fellas rarely end in disaster.

Now, much like all of my interactions with the opposite sex, there is always a chance of it ending in disaster. Who do I hug without coming across as a pervert? This is a question that has plagued mankind for generations. 

With people from work, it always starts with handshakes, but eventually, you do develop a friendly relationship, and what is the point where you give a female coworker a hug for special situations (obviously, you don't give handshakes and hugs to people you see very day; that would be exhausting). I have no idea where this line is crossed. The President of where I currently work went to give me a hug at our Christmas party, but I had already gone for the handshake, and it ended up with me believing I would be fired by the end of the day. I went out of my way to give her a hug later and probably saved my job at the process.

With female friends and acquaintances, it is almost too complicated to fully comprehend. At what point do ladies go from a handshake to a hug? Like, if I am meeting an acquaintance's significant other, I can only greet with a handshake, but after conversing with them, do I end with a hug? And how good of a friend does my buddy need to be for me to greet his lady with a hug despite never meeting her before? Are they going to think I'm a pervert? I really don't want to be labeled a pervert, but I also don't want to be the weirdo who only shakes ladies' hands. These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night.

Anyway, I'm really hoping that I'm not the only person who struggles with this. Maybe we could start a support group and figure this shit out together. Oh God, I just realized how big of a loser I am, because I basically want to create The Game, but instead of having sex with women, it's just to figure out handshakes and hugs. Thank God I'm already married, because I am not a catch.

I Hate That Bathroom Attendants Exist

I am not a fan of bathroom attendants. Maybe it is my blue collar mentality that I, a fully functional adult, can wash my hands without anyone's help, and that I don't feel like paying for the privilege of someone else doing the job for me. I was reminded of this fact when I went to some hip bar for young go-getters and had to relieve myself. 

I walked into the bathroom, and this guy is just propped up sitting on a ledge across from the urinals. I'm not gonna lie, I get stage fright at times, no shame in that, so I go into a stall and lock the damn door, because it's super weird that this dude is posted up staring at the urinals. It also gave me a moment to privately ponder bathroom attendants. 

The part that I hate most about bathroom attendants is that the job of a bathroom attendant even exists. I have no issue with the people who do it, as hey, they're making a living. But I cannot imagine anybody just doing it for extra cash, because it seems like a truly awful job. You know there are times where he is just sitting in there and listening to somebody take an awful beer shit. Sure, he's got things to spray, but you can't fully cover up that smell when it is fresh. The only positive of the gig is I'm sure you hear some hilarious drunken bro conversations going on about how they are going to punish, beat up, assault, and bazooka with their dong a lady's private parts. Still, there is no way that makes up for spending an entire night in a bathroom helping people freshen up so they can impress their chosen late-night target.

Anyway, I see this guy, and I just get bummed. He's making a living, so good for him, but I have no intention of paying him anything, because I have a wife which means I already impressed my chosen target. I try to quickly go to the sink and take care of business, but he pops up and gives me soap and puts a paper towel over my shoulder, and I give him a genuine thank you, as I appreciate him doing good work, but it is not work I am willing to pay for. 

Because, come on. Not only can I wash my hands myself, I prefer to wash my hands myself. In fact, if there is a bathroom attendant in there, I would say I am at least 50% less likely to wash my hands at all just so I don't have to deal with the awkward interaction. 

And really, is that so gross? As long as I'm not getting splashback, all I'm doing is touching my dick with my hands. My hands are WAY dirtier than my dick is. If anything, I should be washing my dick. 

Come to think of it, THAT is a service I would pay for.

What It's Like To Be A Temp Worker

Last week, I talked about how the unemployed lifestyle ain't all it cracked up to be. It was kind of a bummer piece. But even though I haven't gotten a full-time job, I have been working temp jobs to fill my time and make some money. Let me just start by saying. temping isn't awful. It isn't great, but it is way better than not working at all. I have been very fortunate in that I have worked with really nice people in all of my positions. The biggest downside of temping is everybody sucks when starting a new job, and right when you start to get in a groove with things, your time there is done, and you are forced to start over somewhere else again. I'm not sure if anybody remembers the show "The Pretender" where the main character had a different job every week like fighter pilot, emergency room doctor, or bounty hunter. But temping is a lot like that, except WAY less exciting.

My first position was working in the marketing department of a local college, and they thought they would find something for me until they realized I was more talented than they initially thought and we mutually agreed it was not going to be a good option.

After that, I had a week off until I took a different job at the same college where I worked as a receptionist. On paper, it was a sweet gig. I just had to sit up front and could do whatever I wanted. If I wanted to cruise the internet, go ahead, pop in some headphones and learn Spanish, sure, I even wrote a book (with drawings) for my wife for our anniversary. The problem was that I was stuck there. Outside of going to the bathroom and taking a lunch, I had to sit out front and be present. It definitely sapped my motivation as time went on. They offered me the position full-time, but I'm not sure if I could have made it another month, as I was anxious every day from being forced to sit still.

My most recent position was an events position for a nonprofit. Everybody there was really nice, and I fit in the culture really well. It was a temp-to-hire position, so it was actually really promising. On my first day, my boss told me that if I proved myself, they would probably be willing to offer me the full-time position in two-to-three weeks.

I started tackling projects to the best of my ability, and somehow this backfired on me. After two days of working with my boss, she told me that I was too talented for the position. In all reality, the position was totally fine by me; it was basically just like my old full-time job, and I enjoyed that position. It was a job that would make sense for me from what my past experience was. Telling me I was too talented was the ultimate mindfuck. How can I properly respond to that? How do you tell someone that you're not that great, and this is the position for me? Do I assure them that I will fuck stuff up from time to time? I tried to agree with how great I am (it was not that hard), but at the same time saying that I would like the opportunity as I am not in the position to shoot for the stars at this point in my life.

They were concerned I would leave the position, I told them that I would stick with them through their busy period at the very least before even considering any other positions. My boss wanted to offer me the position, but the President wanted to do her due diligence and interview other people while also considering me.

It took two months for them to finally get around to the interviewing process. In that time, I had done every assignment incredibly well and just about everybody loved me there. In a building of 20 people, half of those told me how much they wanted me to get the job or assured me I was a shoo-in for the position. I figured they'd bring in a few token candidates before offering me the position. Instead, they decided to interview nine people for the position.

Still, this was a slam dunk opportunity. The first interview was with my boss and the HR lady. I presented myself incredibly well, and it was a breeze. If I was in a frat, I would say I crushed it, or slayed it, or possibly combined the two and crush-slayed it. But it went well. My boss told me that I made it to the final two, and I politely thanked her while thinking to myself, "No shit, Sherlock; there was no way I wasn't going to make it to the final interview."

And that brings me to another point. One of my weaknesses is not being great on paper, my other issue is confidence. Most people will tell you to try and be confident during an interview; this has never been an issue for me, but the opposite has been. I am too confident when I go into interviews. Even jobs I have gotten in the past, I was told that my confidence worried them. Basically, I walk into my interviews like I'm interviewing for a porno and I'm packing a footlong in my pants (Speaking of that, maybe bringing in a $5 footlong from Subway for the interviewers would help my chances). So, yes, confidence is an issue for me, but not in the same way as other unemployed people.

Speaking of that confidence, my next interview was with the President of the nonprofit. We hadn't talked a ton, but I had the ultimate advantage as she was a fellow alum at the University of Iowa. Hawkeyes stick together, so this interview should have been even easier. And it was an easy interview. The only weird thing was that she said she was looking forward to getting to know me better on a personal level, and then proceeded to only ask me work-related questions. If I don't mention my wife, pup dog, or pro wrestling, it is probably not a personal conversation. Still, I had proved myself for the last two months, so as things were winding down, I was only wondering how much money they were going to offer me.

Welp, that didn't quite work out, as they gave the position to the other candidate. Through the grapevine, I learned that my confidence was definitely not seen as an asset. So now I'm back on the hunt for my next opportunity. Should I try to tone down my confidence? Sure, I should, but change is hard, and I'm a snowflake, and they should appreciate me for being special in my own way.

Long story short, unless my Mom is in charge of hiring, I'm probably going to be bouncing around temp jobs for a while longer. 

Being Unemployed Sucks

Being unemployed sucks. I have been without full-time employment for nearly a year and a half. That sounds bad, and it is bad, but it could be worse. I got a severance package from my last position, so I was still getting paid for a few months, and then I collected unemployment for a few more. In May, my wife got a job and we moved, and in June I began taking temporary positions. Still, after nearly a year and a half and nearly 1000 positions applied for, I remain unemployed.

One thing I like to do is read about the unemployment statistics and stories. Well, I don't really like doing it, but I do it, and this is definitely a case of misery loves company. At first, the one thing that surprised me was the number of people that had just given up on finding a job, but as time has gone on, I understand it more and more. I have been able to stay motivated at most times, but there are days where I just don't want to look at open jobs, because I have already convinced myself that there is nothing out there for me. Those are the sad moments, which happen slightly more than the angry moments where I get mad at nothing in particular, just my inability to move forward.

I only have myself to blame. I have made irresponsible decisions when it comes to my career, and this is the side effect of those decisions. In 2010, I left a job that I enjoyed in minor league baseball to move to Albuquerque to get my ass kicked every day training in mixed martial arts. It was one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life, but it doesn't exactly pop on a resume. Combine that with the long stretch of unemployment I had after leaving my last job in Iowa, and there are definitely some red flags for potential employers. I suck on paper, and it prevents me from proving how great I am in person, but whining about it won't help. It's nobody's fault but mine, so all I can do is suck it up and keep plowing forward.

90% of the time, I keep a positive attitude. Logically, I understand that feeling sorry for myself isn't going to help, so I might as well keep a good attitude about things. As I said, this works 90% of the time, but there are other times where it gets super fucking depressing. Like, holy shit, what is wrong with me? I'm not gonna lie; I've had a couple days where I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep, because the only thoughts on my mind are about my inability to get a damn job. It is that sense of failure that just weighs me down. I know that sulking isn't going to help, but sometimes, it has gotten the better of me, and I give in to start new the next day.

I'll admit that seeing that in writing is pretty sad, but I'm still fine. Everybody gets depressed here and there; Most people have it way worse than I do, so I am definitely not looking for a pity party. I just have one area that causes me a ton of grief. I'm incredibly happy to be married, as my wife helps me feel like the luckiest unemployed guy in the whole world. If I was not married, I would really be struggling, but she has been beyond great the entire time (I could probably write an entire post that just focused on how great she has been). Also, shout out to Casey the Dog as she helps me get outside to play with her. Just getting out and breathing in that fresh air is really helpful, and it is something that I would be lazy about and avoid if I didn't have the dog forcing me to play.

I am actively failing to find a job every day, but eventually I will succeed. Will that make it a more enriching experience when I do find a good job? I'm not gonna bullshit you; it won't. It will simply be a feeling of relief, because in the day-to-day struggle, it can be pretty miserable. Still, in the grand scheme of things, I'd say I'm still coming out ahead. I have a great wife and dog, I live in Florida instead of the Midwest; so my December has 80 degree weather instead of 8 degree weather. Being unemployed sucks, but it's not the end of the world. Now if you'll excuse me, my dog is pestering me to play ball. I could use the fresh air, and this is one job I plan on keeping.

What Turning 30 Means

The short answer is "Not shit." I am guessing that you would like a little more insight than that, but today being my 30th birthday, I can assure you that it is just another day.

I have been married for nearly a year, and I still love my wife. Just knowing that she is in my life is enough to put a smile on my face. Also, she loves me way more than she did on our wedding day. She's even starting to laugh at some of my jokes now instead of just calling me an idiot.

I have a dog that I love way too much, but to be fair, she loves me way too much too. I can neither confirm nor deny that she tries to hump me anytime I crawl on the floor (yes, she). I can confirm that my wife is very jealous of our relationship.

I'm in good shape, even better than I was a year ago, so if all else fails, at least I have my health.

My only real complaint is that career-wise, I am a giant loser. Considering my education and skill-set, I should be way further ahead in the corporate world, but I only have myself to blame as I have taken two long sabbaticals from work for no other reason than, "Eh, I'm gonna go do my own thing for a while." Shockingly, that can scare off potential employers. Still, I'm bouncing between temp jobs, and although it's easy to feel down about not getting offered a good full-time job, logically, I know something will hit soon.

With that, I wish I had more money (who doesn't?), but complaining about it is silly. We live comfortably a mile from the beach, and eventually, I promise to get my wife a bedroom set so our mattress doesn't lay on the floor.

This isn't how I imagined my life turning out. I'm never going to be a professional athlete (who would have thought you would need size, athleticism, and coordination?). I'm never going to be rich and famous. But at least I have a blog, damnit. In all seriousness, life is good. I'm happy with where I'm at, and I'm excited for where things are going.

These thoughts may have seem jumbled, and that's an accurate representation of what goes on through my head. 30 adds no clarity to the mind, as just like when I was 10 and 20 years old, I'm still trying to figure things out. I have more answers now than I did then, but I still have just as many questions. I'm smart enough now to realize I'll never figure life out, so I'm going to do what I think is best. Do fun things, spend time with fun people, and overall, try to leave more good than bad. Outside of that, I don't have a clue, but I guess that's part of the fun.

Jose Canseco Is The Next Great...Entrepreneur?

Just call Jose Canseco butter, because he is on a Twitter roll. He asks to play baseball again, and boom, he's on a Mexican League team immediately, and that team just happens to play its home games in Cancun. Have you ever seen the documentary, The Real Cancun? It is easily the greatest thing that MTV has ever done. 

Anyway, Jose went on another Twitter tirade recently, and eventually came up with the greatest business idea in the history of commerce. But as great as the idea is, it's the journey that got him there that makes this so special.

Step into my mind for one night c if u can survive the nightmares
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 21, 2012

It is no wonder I like The Ultimate Warrior and Jose Canseco, because Warrior has claimed that nightmares are the best part of his day. Maybe I subconsciously love nightmares. How is this idea going to make him money? It isn't, but it helps get us on the path to straight cash, homey.

Remember Willie wonka brings back memories of when we were young .let's take a voyage together back in time .
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 23, 2012

Yes, Jose has gone from nightmares to Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Actually, thinking again about that movie, it's not as far as a leap as I initially thought. But, Jose is a happy guy, so let's take a happy journey through that crazed head of his. Willy Wonka isn't the best movie to think about, as this is much more of a Being John Malkovich moment.

Come with me on a trip of pure imagination.back to the big leagues.
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 23, 2012

I want to take you on a journey with me to the impossible back to the big leagues.
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 23, 2012

Great idea I had when reading these tweets is that Jose Canseco should have a musical made about his life. There are happy tunes, sad tunes, and honestly, probably some really weird tunes along with it. Not only will Jose show you his entrepreneuring abilities, but he has even inspired me to be an entrepreneur myself. Jose, tweet at me, bro. We can make this musical thing happen. How will we get the funding? Well, I think you already have the money making idea to make our dreams come true.

A little girl told me one time that I should open up a hug store .what a great idea
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 23, 2012

YES! A hug store is a great idea, and there is nobody better to open it up than you, Jose Canseco. This is the idea that will make you the world's next great entrepreneur. There is a desire for hugs, but nobody to deliver them in a convenient place. It's a great idea, Jose, but you must focus. Do not let anything else take your attention from the world's greatest idea. Are we on the same page?

Wow there is a black crow out side my window staring at me what does that mean
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) February 23, 2012

God damnit.

I Can't Believe Benchwarmer Is a Real Company

So I was watching The Millionaire Matchmaker last week. I know that may shock some people due to my badass exterior, but I find it to be an incredibly entertaining show. But I'm not here to talk about that so much, as one of the millionaires really bothered me. He estimated his net worth to be around $5 million. That didn't really bother me either. What did bother me is how this clown made that money.

Most people on the show are involved in finances, hedge funds, or something of that nature. Basically, they steal money from hard working people until they're a millionaire. For some reason, those people don't bother me; I'm numb to their diabolical ways. But this guy was different. He created a company called Benchwarmer, and this pisses me off far more than any Wall Street jagon ever could. It is a company that makes baseball cards, but instead of athletes on the cards, it puts hot chicks on them.

I have decided to break down their About Us section to show you why this company angers me so much:

FROM HUMBLE BEGINNINGS IN 1992, Bench Warmer started as a simple idea: to putbeautiful women on baseball cards. 

Fuck you. I wish I could reach through my screen and strangle the person who wrote this. If I ever write, "From humble beginnings," please beat the shit out of me. Get a baseball bat if necessary. I'll deserve it. My only question about this idea is did they get the idea from Vegas who put hookers on cheap versions of baseball cards or did Vegas steal the idea from them? I'm guessing the former, because Vegas is the leader in everything. But here's the thing: Vegas did it better. Sure, the girls on Benchwarmer's trading cards are probably more attractive, but I can have sex with the girls on Vegas's hooker cards. And those cards are free. Is this a business surviving solely on horny men who are unable to make it to Vegas? How does that equate to a five million dollar business? Alright, maybe the next section won't bother me as much.

It was a nostalgic throwback to the Golden Era ofbaseball cards that most American boys collected – except with hot girls on them instead of sports heroes.

Every sentence just oozes arrogant douchebaggery. Let's move on before I punch something. There is no way I can make it through this whole thing.

But the owner says this business has made him worth around five million dollars. I can't imagine being a bank manager and getting asked for a business loan for that business. I would have laughed him right out of my bank. Mac, Charlie, and Dennis's plan to buy gas and then sell it in a year was a far better business plan than this guy has.

But as stupid as this business is, there is a lesson to be learned here. There are way more perverts out there than I could possibly imagine. No well-adjusted adult is buying baseball cards with hot chicks on them. I mean, if I want to check out hot chicks, I go on the internet to bars and hit on them. Ah, who am I kidding? I go on the internet too; that's what it's there for. Yet the people who buy these are not only nasty; they're apparently computer illiterate. They make rash decisions, and keep America's economy afloat. How do stupid perverts get money? That is a topic for another day, and one I actually hope to avoid altogether.

Anyway, I admit that I'm angry that this business is successful as it is so mind numbingly stupid that it should have no chance of success. But this guy has a business that is based on only hiring and hanging out with hot chicks. That's kind of commendable. When I really think about it, one question comes to mind...

Are they hiring?

-Joe

P.S. I take it we're all in agreement that this is the one show that could surpass Franklin & Bash as the best show on television. An 80's wrestling drama is brilliant, and I know I can count on The Rock to produce absolute greatness.

Live Blogging The 2011 NFL Draft - Day 3

LAST UPDATE: 4:20 PM

9:40 AM
It's time to get this party started. My brother and I have decided to bet on where Ricky Stanzi would end up in the draft. Here are our picks.
Brother: Raiders, Eagles, Cardinals, Redskins
Me: Ravens, Dolphins, Colts, Chiefs

Let the Stanzi lottery begin.

10:45
Some believe that the Seahawks could be interested in Ricky Stanzi. I think this would be a rare occasion of a player refusing to play for a team. Since he loves America so much, Ricky obviously hates hippies, so he's certainly not going to go to a place where he'd have to play for one.

11:05
I know this is blasphemy as an Iowa fan, and treason as an American, but I have Greg McElroy rated higher than Ricky Stanzi. Stanzi's ball really flutters when going deep, and I thought that McElroy had more velocity on his passes, and is a guy you can win with in the NFL. He's going to be a steal.

11:15
I like the Bengals pick of Clint Boling of Georgia. It was really a toss-up for me on whether I would take him or Stephen Schilling at the end of round three for the Bears. I took Schilling since I had more familiarity with him, but I think Boling should be a good pro.

11:35
I am glad that Christian Ballard is off the board, but I would have rather seen him in a 3-4 scheme as opposed to a 4-3. I expect them to keep him outside for the most part while utilizing him as a defensive tackle on pass rushing downs. Even though he didn't have the stats during his college career, anybody who watched the Hawkeyes can appreciate the versatility he displayed to help out the team.

12:20 PM
The Eagles with the first shocker of the draft. Casey Matthews? Hell no, Alex Henery. Although many people thought that the Saints drafting Mark Ingram meant the end of the Reggie Bush era (including Reggie himself), those two have completely different roles for an offense. I'm pretty sure that David Akers will not be an Eagle this coming year, because Alex Henery is like the nWo...he's taking over.

12:45
I was hoping Davon House would fall to the Bears in the fifth, but the Packers just took him at the end of the fourth. I hate the Packers.

12:55
Ricky Stanzi is a Chief. It's a good fit for him, and since I'm not a believer in Matt Cassel, I think he will be starting at some point sooner rather than later. Also, bravo to me for predicting the Chiefs as one of my four teams that could potentially draft Stanzi. Good luck to a man who loves America more than you love your own mother.

1:15
Guys I am hoping fall to the Bears.
First off is Stephen Schilling who would have been my pick at the end of round three. This guy may not be a pro bowler, but he's going to be a quality pro, which is what the Bears need in the middle.
Greg Romeus - DE - Pittsburgh - Disappointing last year, but was looked at as a first rounder after his 2009 season. He could be a real steal.
Greg Jones - LB - Michigan State - All the guy does is make plays.
Greg McElroy - QB - Alabama - I love McElroy, and according to this list, I love guys named Greg. But this may be the time to get a real QB for the Bears.
Kendric Burney - CB - North Carolina - Undersized, but does a good job of reacting to the ball. in the air.

1:20
Karl Klug just got drafted to the Titans. The guy has a nonstop motor, and that's always going to be a good type of pick in the fifth round of the draft.

2:10
There's a ton of talent out there for the Bears. In my shadow draft, I took Stephen Schilling in the third round, so I guess I would still like to see the Bears take him. It would help shore up the offensive line and makes a ton of sense for them.
In my Shadow Draft, I am taking one of my loves in this draft, QB Greg McElroy, out of Alabama. Welcome aboard to my fantasy Bears, Greg.

2:11
God damnit Bears. Of course you draft a QB, and it's one that I had absolutely zero interest in. Even in his house, he had that stupid lost look that Jay Cutler always has. At least the Bears had two good picks in thsi draft, but I suppose it is time for everything else to suck.

2:30
I just talked to my Idaho expert friend (wait, you don't have a friend who is an Idaho expert?), and he has talked me off the ledge when it comes to Enderle. He is predicting instant Super Bowl for the Bears, so he may be slightly optimistic, but him and Hanie can definitely battle for my favorite Bears QB in 2011.

3:20
For guys I'm hoping the Bears can get, the list can be found at 1:15, minus Greg Jones.
Since I need to add a guy, it's time for another guy that I absolutely love, Jef Maehl- WR - Oregon.

3:40
Real Bears, I'm hoping they take Stephen Schilling still.

My Bears, I want Jeff Maehl from Oregon. He always found a way to get open and make big plays. Somehow none of that matters, because he didn't look impressive with his shirt off and put up poor combine numbers. I don't care about those things, so I would be ecstatic to get him at this portion of the draft.

3:45
If they were going to go with a linebacker, I would have rather seen them go with Mark Herzlich. Not because I care about his cancer story (although it's a nice story), but because he has a lot of potential since he has shown that he can dominate football games before he had to go through chemotherapy. This was still a recovery year, much like a player coming off a torn ACL, he simply wasn't back to full speed. Cancer is much more serious than a knee injury, but at the end of round six, that's a chance I'd be willing to take a chance on.

3:55
Tyler Sash is a very good pick for the Giants at the end of round six. Also, he was drafted at 198, the same pick as Matt Bowen, who was selected one pick before Tom Brady.

4:20
Sorry Mark Sanchez, your days as a starting quarterback are numbered. War McElroy.

-Joe

P.S. As someone who worked in sports, this video is both hilarious and tragically accurate.

Why I Wear Exotic Underwear

I am a man of sophistication, a man who is ultra smooth, but today, I will demonstrate how I am a man of style.  While many men live drab lives and wear clothes that do nothing to hide that, I am the complete opposite.  I am exotic, erotic, and it makes the ladies neurotic.  

Nowhere is this more exemplified than in my choice of underwear.  Do I wear tighty-whities?  I'm in my pimpin' prime, so those simply will not do.  Do I wear boxers?  Come on, I'm a man, not a teenage boy.  I have two choices when it comes to underwear, boxer briefs or nothing at all.  I know the ladies are excited by the latter thought, and trust me ladies, it happens more than you imagine.  

But I am not here to talk about the times that I let my guy fly free.  I'm here to talk about those boxer brief times.  There are certain times where I keep it simple and wear underwear that simply gets the job done.  But when I'm ready to go out on the prowl; I make sure that my sex appeal is at its apex.  This cannot be done without the proper underwear.

Imagine being me.  I know you're all extremely excited at this proposition, but calm down and try to follow along.  There I am, at the bar, commiserating with the lady that tickles my fancy.  Since I am a master of seduction, we head somewhere private, probably back to her place since I doubt she is ready to experience the majesty of my air mattress.  

When we get to her bedroom, she's excited, and who can blame her?  I am probably the most amazing person she's ever met.  When I drop trou and reveal my underwear, she realizes that every arrogant statement I made through the night is absolutely true.  Every statement about how it is a privilege that I considered her for love-making that night.  Every statement about the vigorous love I am going to make on her are all indisputable facts.  

 

By that time, she’ll be so mentally convinced that it’s going to be great, you don’t even have to deliver physically (although being the quintessential male that I am; I like to deliver for the sport of it).

But exotic underwear isn't just beneficial in sexual conquests, it can be used in business as well.  Whether you're applying for a job or trying to close that big deal, exotic underwear could be the difference between close but no cigar and getting the damn thing done.

In the 21st century, women have gained positions of power, and although many might think this is ludicrous, I am extremely excited as it will be easy for me to use this to my advantage.  If a woman has gained a position of power, it probably means she's extremely professional and wants to be treated with the utmost respect.  Hence, she'll probably be wearing something like this.

Some men would be intimidated by this, but I know that she's going to love me.  I'm a sexy dude, and I have questionable morals, what's not to love?  So there I am in a private meeting with a female in charge.  It will be very difficult for her to not notice how good looking I am.  Although I look great dressed up, she may try to press her luck and want to see what I look like dressed down.  Now the pathetic losers out there that wear tighty-whities or ordinary boxers will get nervous when asked to strip down in the middle of a business meeting.  Me?  I'll just smile and give her the show of a lifetime.  

I could strip down and reveal my bright pink boxer briefs, letting her know that I'm a man of passion and extreme confidence.

Maybe it's my clover underwear, which will not only make her realize how lucky she is right now, but also the good fortune that will come her way if we get this deal closed today.

Finally, it could be my glow in the dark underwear, which signifies that even when times are at their darkest, I'll be the guiding light to show them the way.

Any of these (or any of my other pairs) will be exactly what is necessary to get the job done when I am asked to strip down in a business setting.  Although I have never actually been asked to strip down in a job interview or a meeting with another company, I am prepared for it, as well as any situation that may present itself.  

Exotic Underwear:  Perfect for the bedroom...and the boardroom.

-Joe

P.S.  Surprisingly, when you look up exotic underwear on Google, most results talk about ladies underwear.  I guess you learn something new everyday.

P.P.S.  Iowa completed yet another undefeated Duals season on Sunday at Minnesota.  Here is an awesome video that will awesome you to awesomeland:

It's The Shit: Three Keys to a Successful Poop

Sorry Michael Jordan and Sam Perkins.  Today, We're Talking About Number Two.

 

Although I am a very spry 26 years young; I am wise beyond my years.  That is why I know the ins and outs of something that people overlook yet do at least once a day (twice a day for me since I have a healthy amount of fiber in my diet).  Yes, pooping.  It has a lot of gross connotations, but it's something natural, and as you'll find out, if done properly, it can be a beautiful experience.  Here are the keys to turning your experience from shitty to asstastic.

1.  Location -  Now most people would have you believe that going home is clearly the best possible location to take care of your business.  These are obviously simpletons who can't see the big picture.  Does your home have some advantages?  Of course it does, familiarity will always have value when you are feeling vulnerable.  But for those who are bold, that live their life a quarter mile at a time, there is a far better location to drop a deuce.  That place is work.  Think about this:  When you poop during work, you are getting paid to poop.  Paid to poop?  God Bless America.  So sit back, relax, and count that scrilla, because it's always best to take care of your business during business hours.

2.  Amenities - This is a huge mistake that most people make when taking a dump.  They go to the bathroom empty handed.  When I took care of my business at work, I made no secret about it.  I would stroll through the office with a book in my hand and my iPod bumping tunes in my ears as I headed to the private toilet of the visiting coaching staff (yes, Ryne Sandberg and I have used the same shitter).  I was not ashamed of what I was doing, and I knew that amenities can help take your poop to the next level.  Why sit there, drop waste, while your life wastes away when you can seize the day?  I seized it real good.  I would jam out to my favorite tunes and knock out a chapter of whatever book I was reading at the time.  A few years ago, I remember returning home for the first time in months and being ecstatic at my Dad's latest construction project.  He had mounted a TV by the toilet so you'd never have to miss a moment of your favorite show or sporting event while you went to the can.  That's great hustle right there.  So, whatever your vice is, whether it's music, books, or TV, bring it with you when you doodoo.  But I must warn everyone, your ass will occasionally go numb if you sit there too long.  It's a small price to pay when you pimp your poop.

3.  Toilet Paper - Somehow a necessity for number two is often overlooked, but do not underestimate its importance.  Good toilet paper is like oral sex.  Sure, at first, any toilet paper will do, you're just happy to have it there.  But then you use Charmin Ultra, and it is a whole new experience.  You honestly sit there and hope that it never ends, maybe even using techniques to prolong the experience.  After that, well, the rough toilet paper just doesn't do it for you anymore.  You go from appreciating it to loathing it.  When I see that economy sized, thin and rough, sorry excuse for toilet paper, I swallow hard, and yes, I use it, but something that should be pleasant can actually be painful.  It's terrible that something that should feel so right can go so wrong.  So remember, soft and gentle is much better than rough and teethy.

So make sure that your pooping experience is the shit; otherwise, you're just a piece of it.

-Joe

P.S.  I'm sure some of you nerds were probably out drinking on Saturday night.  Me?  Hell no, I was watching fights, football, and most importantly, the Bulls/Rockets game.  For those that didn't see it, here is the end of regulation from that game:

And yes, the Bulls won in overtime.  Derrick Rose is really good at basketball.