Blood Runs Cold: The Glacier Story

There are some topics so large that there is no way a single writer could do it justice. These stories not only change our world in the present, but they change everything about our future. This is the story of Glacier, a man so influential that I had to bring in what I believe to be is Glacier's #1 Fan, Lukewarm Jonah to help me pay homage to the martial artist pro wrestling legend.

I will be taking a look at what happened before Glacier ever stepped foot in the ring, because that is almost the only thing I remember about him. Jonah is clearly a much more knowledgeable fan than I am, and that will be apparent when he takes over. But man, those vignettes were something else. The first vignette establishes that "Blood Runs Cold." The second vignette goes further by stating:

"Our world is about to change.
Enter the realm.
Blood runs cold.
In each of us burns the fury of a Warrior."

Oh hell yeah, I got that Warrior fury in me and am ready to enter the realm. The last two vignettes then showed us this.

There is only one thing that came to mind when watching a man do karate moves in a set that was clearly designed for him to do karate moves around. That one thing is that Glacier was making Mac's Project Badass videos from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia with a budget for set design. Looking at Glacier as Mac's dream really makes him a ton more interesting and likable.

Unfortunately, they let Glacier talk, and that is something they never should have done. The entire Glacier character is built on mystique, and that is lost when you realize who is just a southern boy who learned some roundhouse kicks. This was a period where Stone Cold Steve Austin was becoming a giant star by doing whatever he pleased. This was also a period where Glacier said, "I want to win at any costs, as long as it is within the rules." That is only slightly lamer than his catchphrase of, "Be cool."

But I don't really remember anything about him actually wrestling except he didn't actually wrestle but threw a lot of kicks. Did he win? Did he lose? Did the refs call the match to prevent the fans from freezing to death? I honestly don't know. Luckily, I have Lukewarm Jonah to take over from here.

In 1996 the wrestling world was about to be set on fire. The Ringmaster turned into “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. At Bash at the Beach Hulk Hogan would turn into “Hollywood” Hulk Hogan and join the New World Order and form the greatest stable of all time. Finally, Glacier would make his debut on WCW Saturday Night, the Mothership. 12 year old me was super pumped for his debut. A martial artist in wrestling? He’d be unstoppable. The vignettes that had been playing played up his martial arts background and introduced us all to the phrase, “Blood Runs Cold”. Then there was his entrance. Rumored to have cost in the six figures it included lasers, fake falling snow, and Glacier showcasing his martial arts mastery all while bearing a close resemblance to Mortal Kombat character Sub Zero. His debut match against the Gambler was dominant and I couldn’t wait to see more of the guy. Glacier disposed of Big Bubba Rogers aka The Big Boss Man handily and seemed on a path to superstardom.

Glacier then entered into his best known feud. He fought against Mortis aka Chris Kanyon in green skull gear managed by the fantastic James Vanderberg aka James Mitchell, The Sinister Minister. Glacier and Mortis battled in epic matches that you couldn’t help but see as battles between good and evil. After Glacier had beat up Mortis it was clear Mortis needed some help. Wrath aka Brian Adams debuted as a costumed huge guy who beat up Glacier. Glacier kept winning and kept getting jumped by the other guy after the match. Glacier needed help so he brought in Ernest “The Cat” Miller. They feuded with and continued to beat Wrath and Mortis. Glacier’s first loss came in a tag match against Wrath and Mortis, but he was still around 100-1 against them so the future seemed bright.

Now I had forgotten that Glacier lost to those guys in a tag match, but I still vividly remember his first singles loss. He fought Buff Bagwell of the nWo on Monday Nitro and I was sure he was going to win and start battling against them. It was a dirty victory but Buff won. After that Glacier fell off the face of the Earth. He lost basically every match he competed in, including being three of Goldberg’s victims in his undefeated streak. Glacier eventually sold his ring gear to Kaz Hayashi and eventually became Coach Buzz Stern for a short time before leaving.

So the question becomes: What went wrong? I touched on it in the opening, but 1996 was simply a bad time to have these larger than life characters fighting. Eric Bischoff stated that he wanted Glacier to be a video game come to life. He was and so were Wrath and Mortis but it was the wrong time. Austin 3:16 had happened and the nWo was out being super cool, these masked characters just didn’t fit in. The good news is that TNA stole the idea of a video game come to life with Suicide, because TNA is awesome at stealing from WCW, but not stealing anything that people actually liked. Anyways, out there on my N64 WCW/nWo Revenge game Glacier is World Champion, winning matches by knocking fools out with the Cryonic Kick. Kick on Glacier, kick on.

I Want to Hang Out with The Fabulous Freebirds

Being born in 1984, the entire 80s is a dark period for me when it comes to WCW wrestling. I either remember or have rewatched numerous times the important matches from the WWE, but that era of WCW is a pretty big dark spot in my knowledge of pro wrestling history. Watching the WWE Network has been fantastic in that I have learned so much about that era of WCW. Maybe the most important thing that I have learned is there may not be a group of pro wrestlers that I would rather hang out with than the Fabulous Freebirds.

Although their ring work would never win any awards, these guys understood that wrestling is sports entertainment as they knew how to entertain a crowd. Although purists probably consider Buddy Roberts as a true Freebird, for my money, there was no greater combination than Michael P.S. (Pure Sexy) Hayes, Terry Gordy, and Jimmy "Jam" Garvin (who was also referred to as "Gorgeous" Jimmy Garvin).

Jimmy Garvin is the happiest person on the planet. They did a promo after wrestling to a time-limit draw, and all he could do was talk about how great a draw was. He admitted that it wasn't as good as a win, but it's still pretty damn good. Also, Michael P.S. Hayes was a guy I only remember late in his career when he had lost a step (or 30), but he was pretty great in his prime. Those two guys were originators in the field of West Coast Dance as they would take turns dancing as the other one just aggressively pointed at him. It was wonderful. Then Terry Gordy was one of the ugliest people ever, but a total bruiser. He was rightfully phased out, so Garvin and Hayes could follow their true destiny and become the hard partying rock stars of wrestling.

To simplify it, the best I can do is a comparison to It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I can just about guarantee that Michael Hayes used the D.E.N.N.I.S. System, Jimmy Garvin used the M.A.C. and Gordy took the scraps. I guess this makes Buddy Roberts Rickety Cricket and DDP is Schmitty.

Guys, if you're reading this, I'm near the Tampa area, and my offer stands to party. I'll supply the booze, you supply the stories, and together, we'll have one hell of a time (And if you need chicks, we can go to a strip club, just don't tell my wife). 

Juan Pablo Is Clearly A Sociopath

Did you see The Bachelor last night? If you didn't, you should do that right now. I'll wait...okay. OMG, right? Andi made it to the last three and eliminated herself, because she realized that Juan Pablo didn't give a shit about her. This was one of the all-time great episodes of The Bachelor, as it was a fascinating look into personalities and how they can conflict. I've been on #TeamAndi since the first episode, so I would be on her side no matter what happened, but it's pretty clear that Juan Pablo is a sociopath, more specifically, he's Dennis Reynolds from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. We'll get to that later; let's start with my precious Andi.

Andi wanted to fall in love. That's why she was on this show. And she had some great times where it felt magical, because she got to go on ridiculously expensive trips and have dream dates all the time. Unfortunately, they used the fantasy suite to talk, and Juan Pablo only talked about himself and didn't show any concern for what type of person Andi is. He said he thought it was a great night (we'll dive into that more later), but Andi had one of the worst nights of her life. Because of that, she decided to talk more to tell him that he doesn't feel that he cares about her, which seems likely since he said that she was only there by default (Juan Pablo claimed that he didn't use the word default, but he also said that homosexuality was perverted, and I'm guessing he would deny using that word had it not been recorded). But Juan Pablo tried to be nice and say that it was okay that she was leaving. This angered Andi, and she kept badgering him. Was this the best move? No, it was not, but she had felt something for Juan Pablo before that, and she wanted him to show some sort of emotion. Juan Pablo did not give her the satisfaction, and she went in the limo and said she was still looking for true love. ABC, if she is not the next Bachelorette, I will be a one man riot.

Now onto Juan Pablo and why he is a sociopath. Juan Pablo has been very image conscience this entire show. I really feel that nearly every elimination has been calculated and not in the sense of love, but more in the sense of public perception. I could write a whole article about the order of women being eliminated from the show, but I'm not going to unless there is public demand for it. Still, last night was the definition of sociopathic behavior. I can tell, because I am like 90% sociopath (I control my emotions, but my wife has gotten through my hard exterior to make me more of a human being). The easiest way to sum up Juan Pablo's behavior is that he wasn't a human being, he was someone pretending to be a human being. A human being shows empathy, and when they make someone feel like shit, they feel remorse; instead, he told Andi it was okay and tried to put the blame on her. This obviously angered Andi, and the fact that he was a stone cold when it came to emotions definitely drove her a little crazy. He gave her absolutely nothing. And this, from a man, who has cried after eliminating like the last 8 girls, didn't give even a sniffle for Andi. In the acts of sociopaths, that was a work of art. I was impressed, because Juan Pablo basically showed that he's Dennis Reynolds.


And even after she had left, he said that he would not have let her stay even if she had wanted to. This is A+ work, because he is still trying to make it appear as if he was the one who dumped her. This is a total power play from him, and power is incredibly important to him. He doesn't want arguments in his life. This man is looking for a submissive wife, and his remaining two contestants fit that profile. Clearly, Nikki wins, because she met his daughter, so at that point, she was already the winner of the show. She's basically just a younger version of Clare with a better job, so yeah, Clare has no shot.

I am left with one question. Did Andi and Juan Pablo have sex? It's a fascinating question from both ends. Juan Pablo thought they had a great night, and if you are in a fantasy suite with no sex, that is not going to equal a great night. Replace boat with fantasy suite in this video, and you basically have Juan Pablo.


Andi said she hated the night, because of the talk, which would imply that they did not have sex. Still, they could have gone right back to the room, had sex, and then started to just hang out. Still, I'm leaning towards them not having sex. Since Juan Pablo is a sociopath, I believe it was a calculated move to talk about how great a night they had talking, when in fact, he was going to eliminate Andi for not giving up the nookie. He can't come out and say it wasn't a great night, because they didn't have sex, because that would set a bad example for his daughter, and the general public wouldn't like him as much. In the end, everything he does is part of the D.E.N.N.I.S. System.

I Can't Believe Benchwarmer Is a Real Company

So I was watching The Millionaire Matchmaker last week. I know that may shock some people due to my badass exterior, but I find it to be an incredibly entertaining show. But I'm not here to talk about that so much, as one of the millionaires really bothered me. He estimated his net worth to be around $5 million. That didn't really bother me either. What did bother me is how this clown made that money.

Most people on the show are involved in finances, hedge funds, or something of that nature. Basically, they steal money from hard working people until they're a millionaire. For some reason, those people don't bother me; I'm numb to their diabolical ways. But this guy was different. He created a company called Benchwarmer, and this pisses me off far more than any Wall Street jagon ever could. It is a company that makes baseball cards, but instead of athletes on the cards, it puts hot chicks on them.

I have decided to break down their About Us section to show you why this company angers me so much:

FROM HUMBLE BEGINNINGS IN 1992, Bench Warmer started as a simple idea: to putbeautiful women on baseball cards. 

Fuck you. I wish I could reach through my screen and strangle the person who wrote this. If I ever write, "From humble beginnings," please beat the shit out of me. Get a baseball bat if necessary. I'll deserve it. My only question about this idea is did they get the idea from Vegas who put hookers on cheap versions of baseball cards or did Vegas steal the idea from them? I'm guessing the former, because Vegas is the leader in everything. But here's the thing: Vegas did it better. Sure, the girls on Benchwarmer's trading cards are probably more attractive, but I can have sex with the girls on Vegas's hooker cards. And those cards are free. Is this a business surviving solely on horny men who are unable to make it to Vegas? How does that equate to a five million dollar business? Alright, maybe the next section won't bother me as much.

It was a nostalgic throwback to the Golden Era ofbaseball cards that most American boys collected – except with hot girls on them instead of sports heroes.

Every sentence just oozes arrogant douchebaggery. Let's move on before I punch something. There is no way I can make it through this whole thing.

But the owner says this business has made him worth around five million dollars. I can't imagine being a bank manager and getting asked for a business loan for that business. I would have laughed him right out of my bank. Mac, Charlie, and Dennis's plan to buy gas and then sell it in a year was a far better business plan than this guy has.

But as stupid as this business is, there is a lesson to be learned here. There are way more perverts out there than I could possibly imagine. No well-adjusted adult is buying baseball cards with hot chicks on them. I mean, if I want to check out hot chicks, I go on the internet to bars and hit on them. Ah, who am I kidding? I go on the internet too; that's what it's there for. Yet the people who buy these are not only nasty; they're apparently computer illiterate. They make rash decisions, and keep America's economy afloat. How do stupid perverts get money? That is a topic for another day, and one I actually hope to avoid altogether.

Anyway, I admit that I'm angry that this business is successful as it is so mind numbingly stupid that it should have no chance of success. But this guy has a business that is based on only hiring and hanging out with hot chicks. That's kind of commendable. When I really think about it, one question comes to mind...

Are they hiring?

-Joe

P.S. I take it we're all in agreement that this is the one show that could surpass Franklin & Bash as the best show on television. An 80's wrestling drama is brilliant, and I know I can count on The Rock to produce absolute greatness.

Bronies Are Jabronies

When reader Jacob asked me to write about Bronies, I was confused. At first, I thought he was shortening the word jabronies and he wanted me to write about the worst wrestlers in professional wrestling history. That's an awesome idea for an article, and I still might do it. My next thought was that maybe he was just missing the "w" in brownies, and he feels like it's the best dessert of all time (he'd be wrong, it's cupcakes). But then he told me to Google it, and it was much more disturbing than either of those ideas.

Bronies are adult males who love My Little Pony. Yes, I am talking about this My Little Pony:

So I thought I could write about the men who love My Little Pony, but they really aren't that interesting. They're just a bunch of adults who watch My Little Pony. It's a lot like my group of friends, except we chose the show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and because of that, we are not incredibly depressing losers.

But there must be something behind this show. So I decided to watch an episode on YouTube. I have to say I'm not very familiar with the show. I think my sister may have had some of the toys, but my childhood memories of watching cartoons primarily center around G.I. Joe, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Hulk Hogan's Rock n' Wrestling. At first I was going to watch Episode 1, so I wouldn't be confused on anything, but it was a two-parter, and I really didn't want to be left with a cliffhanger, so I decided to take my chances and go with Episode 13, "Fall Weather Friends".

:58 - I'm less than a minute in, and I am thanking this YouTube poster for providing a description, because these two characters who are playing a game of Horseshoes have called each other approximately 600 different names while talking shit back and forth. Luckily, I know that the blue Pegasus is Rainbow Dash and the pony with the cowboy hat is Applejack.

1:19 - Applejack wins the game of horseshoes (obviously). Rainbow Dash is pissed, so she does the obvious thing: She challenges Applejack to an iron pony contest.

6:06 - They have been competing in a bunch of stupid events and each keep taking their turn winning. They show eight events, and then announce that they are halfway through and the score is 5-5. I have no idea what the other two events were, but I'm guessing they were not safe to be shown to children.

8:05 - Rainbow Dash proceeds to win the next ten events, because she has wings. I found this outrageous, and so did Applejack, so she calls her out on it. RD's use of wings really parallels Barry Bonds' use of steroids in baseball. Some would argue that there were no rules against it, while others see it as blatant cheating and think that RD and Bonds disgraced their games.

9:31 - They are now running a marathon to see who the best pony is, with one stipulation: There will be no use of wings allowed.

11:14 - There is now a purple horse involved called Twilight. RD and AJ are laughing at her, because she's a nerd and can't win the race. She says she's never run a race but has read books about it. If this bitch, Twilight, wins the race, I'm going to be pissed.

14:35 - I'm pretty sure Joe Buck learned how to announce from this show. These announcers are the worst, especially Pinkie Pie. The show is in on the joke, which I'm sure nerds love, but it doesn't make it less annoying.

20:20 - RD and AJ battle it out and tumble to the finish line. They tie...for last place. Twilight took fifth, so at least I don't have to be pissed.

21:30 - Some Super Princess Pony teaches them a valuable lesson about behaving properly. AJ and RD decide to become great friends, and all is well in Equestria.

So, what did I learn from watching MLP? Not much. The show is tolerable, but not good. I have no interest in becoming a bronie. There's really no room for that in my life. But I am proud to be a Broski. Woo woo woo, you know it.

-Joe

P.S. What's the fastest growing domestic beer? That's right, Natty Light, bitches. Suck on that.

Let's Talk About Dolphin Sex

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It's Always Sunny in the United Center - Part Three

The Chicago Bulls have been an awesome team to watch this year.  Even for non-Bulls fans, they may be the most fun team to watch in the entire NBA.  Between Watson's towel waving, Thomas's character, and Scalabrine's gingerness, there is a very high entertainment value involved with the Bulls.  Because of this high entertainment value, they will be honored in the greatest way possible, with a multi-part series on this blog.  Since any jerkoff can tell you that the Bulls are awesome, I will blend sports and pop culture when I compare the Chicago Bulls to the characters of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Today, I present Part Three.

Kurt Thomas – Bruce Mathis – Yes, these men both have hearts of gold.  Yes, they are great character guys.  On the surface, these are guys that you want as part of your team.  But then reality sets in.  Bruce Mathis, we don’t need your preachy goodness.  Kurt Thomas, you can’t character the ball in, and you can’t intangible somebody to stop them from scoring.  Kurt and Bruce, you are good guys, but if I never saw you again, I can’t say I’d lose any sleep over it.

C.J. Watson – Luther Mac – These two may not seem to have much in common at first glance, but they are surprisingly alike.  As we have learned from Mac’s Dad, he does have a softer side.  As we learned from the Denver game, Watson actually is a competent NBA point guard.  They seem like they’d be detrimental, but they’re not bad guys, and honestly pretty likeable.  Still, we’re all better off when they can’t do any harm to us like when Mac’s Dad is in jail, and Watson is on the bench.

    

James Johnson – Night Crawlers – He is best when he is only talked about but never actually seen.  He sounds so awesome, an athletic swingman who always tries hard on both ends of the floor.  But much like Night Crawlers is missing blankets, James Johnson is missing basketball skills.  If they added that missing piece, they could really be awesome.

John Lucas III – Gail The Snail – every time she is on the screen, you ask why. 

The same is true of Lucas.  She was only in one episode, and I think John Lucas III was in only one game.  You want to like him, because it’s not like you’re a vengeful person who needs to hate people for sucking, but let’s face it, Gail and Lucas are the worst.  You wish you could tolerate them, but they’re so awful that you just want to salt them until they leave.  Yes, I still haven’t forgiven Lucas for the loss in Denver.

Brian Scalabrine – Jack Kelly

Charlie’s uncle is extremely creepy, and what is creepier than a seven-foot tall ginger playing in the NBA?  Every time they are on the screen, you know you shouldn’t be watching it, but you can’t help but be intrigued.  Charlie’s uncle creeps out Charlie, and I can’t think of anyone who isn’t terrified when Scalabrine is on the court.   It doesn’t take much to imagine either of these two haunting your nightmares.

And that wraps up the series of how the Chicago Bulls are just like characters from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  I really wish the Bulls had a bigger roster, because I would have really liked to work in the McPoyle's, Artemis, and the old lady who played Dennis's Grandma and played piano for The Nightman Cometh.  Maybe next year.

-Joe

P.S.  These pictures are awesome.

P.P.S.  This video is awesome.  Brire Gill is such a douche.

It's Always Sunny in the United Center - Part Two

The Chicago Bulls have been an awesome team to watch this year.  Even for non-Bulls fans, they may be the most fun team to watch in the entire NBA.  Between Thibodeau's defensive calls, Korver knocking down threes, and Asik's dunks, there is a very high entertainment value involved with the Bulls.  Because of this high entertainment value, they will be honored in the greatest way possible, with a multi-part series on this blog.  Since any jerkoff can tell you that the Bulls are awesome, I will blend sports and pop culture when I compare the Chicago Bulls to the characters of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Today, I present Part Two.

Coach Thibodeau – Dee Reynolds – Although Dee isn’t anyone’s favorite character, she is still vital to the overall success.  As Vinny Del Negro showed, you can have a lot of talent, but you need a coach to actually put it all together.  Dee makes us laugh with her pregnancy and failures in life.  Thibodeau makes the Bulls better with defense and an actual game plan.  He’ll never win a game, and Dee will never carry an episode, but they are still vital to their team’s overall success.

Dee struggles with men, just like Thibodeau struggles to find a good shooting guard.  Just like Dee’s taste in men, all of these shooting guards have their charm, but they also have fatal flaws.

Keith Bogans – The Korean Busboy – The Korean Busboy has no discernible qualities, as he is an unattractive, chain-smoking, cocaine sniffing busboy.  Bogans also has no discernible qualities as he is a slow with no shot and plays only marginal defense.  The Korean Busboy used secret information to sleep with Dee.  Bogans must have some information on Thibodeau, because that is the only reason he should be starting. 

Kyle Korver – Matthew Mara – Rickety Cricket is the only side character who can truly take over an episode with his presence.  And just like Cricket, Korver is the only shooting guard who can take over when he's hot from the outside.  Much like Cricket is not on all the episodes, Korver is not always bringing his A game, but when he is on, you know it’s going to be entertaining.  Also, they both come from humble backgrounds as Cricket was a priest, and Korver played at Creighton, and then in Utah, the land of Mormons.  The similarities really become uncanny when you realize that Korver plays defense like he needs crutches.

Ronnie Brewer – Ben Smith (Soldier of Fortune) – Nothing stands out, but he’s just really likeable, and maybe it’s easy to like a guy when compared to the ones with fatal flaws, but you still like him.  Brewer may not have any great attributes, but he’s a guy who can contribute in any facet of the game.  He doesn’t shoot lights out, but he can shoot.  He plays solid defense, but he’s not great.  The same is true for Ben as he likes jean shorts, pro wrestling, and like most guys, gets tricked into sex when someone calls him a jerk or a turkey.  Both are solid dudes.

Even though Asik is not a shooting guard, we'll end with a comparison of one more of Dee's former lovers.

Omer Asik – Bill Ponderosa – He looked like just another guy on the show, as he was a whiny little bitch at first.  But he showed his true breakout potential by cheating on his wife with multiple women, going into sex addiction rehab, doing cocaine, and lying to women by telling them he had a vasectomy so he wouldn’t have to wear a condom.  That’s great work.  Asik looked like just another big, awkward, foreign white guy.

But if you overlook the fact that he hacks people like there is no limit on fouls, he’s a solid big man off the bench.  Do I want him starting?  No (with Noah out, change that answer to yes), but he’s fun to watch, he rebounds, blocks shots, and is competent enough for the occasional putback.  Bill Ponderosa and Omer Asik show that you can’t always judge a book by its cover.

That's all for Part Two, expect me to get very obscure when I finish up with Part Three tomorrow.

-Joe

P.S.  I meant to attach this earlier, but it's for anybody who's in a business where they receive stupid complaints from customers.  The Cleveland Browns absolutely owned this dude.

It's Always Sunny in the United Center - Part One

The Chicago Bulls have been an awesome team to watch this year.  Even for non-Bulls fans, they may be the most fun team to watch in the entire NBA.  Between Derrick Rose making a few jaw-dropping plays every game, Joakim Noah hustling all over the floor, and Boozer crashing the boards for putbacks, there is a very high entertainment value involved with the Bulls.  Because of this high entertainment value, they will be honored in the greatest way possible, with a multi-part series on this blog.  Since any jerkoff can tell you that the Bulls are awesome, I will blend sports and pop culture when I compare the Chicago Bulls to the characters of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Today, I present part one.

Derrick Rose – Dennis Reynolds – I’ll admit that this was the toughest one to assign, because Rose is so much more awesome than anybody else out there that it’s tough to find the right counterpart on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.  Still, I focused on the leap that Derrick Rose has made this season.  Dennis began his leap late in the season last year with the D.E.N.N.I.S. System, followed by “implications” made in the boat episode, and had a catch with Chase Utley while advising us to just say yes.  Dennis has made the leap, and so has Derrick Rose as he has gone from “wow, that guy knows how to play basketball” awesome, to “you don’t change the channel when the Bulls are playing” awesome.    Seriously, if you haven’t watched much NBA this season, watch the Bulls as he is guaranteed to make at least two jaw-dropping plays during any game.

 

Joakim Noah – Charlie Kelly – This is a matter of anybody who watches them a lot loves every second that they appear on their television screen.  Much the way that outsiders think It’s Always Sunny is stupid if they only tune in for five minutes, fans of other NBA teams hate Noah.  Both of these types of people are morons.  Sure, both of these guys are out of their god-damned minds, but they do it in such a loveable way.  Plus, these are two guys that are willing to do the dirty work as Noah gets boards and plays tough defense while Charlie smashes rats and looks for treasure in the sewer.

Taj Gibson – Frank Reynolds – When everyone’s healthy, Taj is not a starter, just like Frank did not start off in the show until Season Two.  Although, he’s not one of the main four people, Frank’s impact is immeasurable, and I feel the same way about Taj.  Let’s face it, shooting guard is not a strength for this team, so Taj is definitely our fifth most valuable player.  Although, neither of these two have classic good looks, I smile when I see Taj smile, and I smile when I see Frank crawling out of a leather couch naked.   

And just like Frank helps Charlie with dirty work, Taj does the same thing for Noah.

Carlos Boozer – Mac – These two are both necessities for the success of their team.  They’re both versatile as Boozer can score from inside, but can also nail a jumper, while Mac can be funny with his physical humor and his wit.  Because of Rose’s presence, Boozer never gets top billing, but he’s also crucial nearly every night like Mac is crucial in every episode.  Rarely will you say that Mac totally owned an episode on his own, but it is rare when you won’t say that Mac and Charlie or Mac and Dennis, etc. were awesome in the episode.  If you team him with the right people, he is somebody who can dominate, but he will always have an impact, much like Mac does something important in every episode. 

Luol Deng – The Lawyer – These are two guys where you thought you would hate them, but the more you see them, the more you enjoy their presence.  The Lawyer has great versatility as he knows when to keep his cool, when to explode with anger, and also when to accept a challenge to a duel.  The same is true for Deng, as he has a decent jumper, plays good defense, and is always a solid contributor.  All the lawyer does is screw over the gang, but you still love him.  And let’s face it, everyone has wanted Deng in about 35 different trades over the last three years.  When you actually watch him though, he may not jump off the screen, but he’s essential to the greater good of the team like the lawyer is essential for the greater good of society.

That's all for part one; I'll be back tomorrow with more Bulls talk.

-Joe

P.S.  I know this has been all over the Internet, but I still don't understand how a beer can fill up from the bottom.