Reviewing My Fantasy Football Draft - Part 3

My latest fantasy football draft happened Monday night. For the uninformed, it is part of a three sport keeper league with baseball and basketball, and you can trade between sports. I am an impatient person, so I am always wheeling and dealing, and that helped lead me to a hilarious end of this draft. Not many people get multiple picks in the last round of the draft, I had four of them, but we'll wait to get to that excitement and also to get to a review to see who my greatest challenger will be.

Round 11
121 Deez Nuts RB Charles Sims TB
122 Larry Donnell Trump 4 President TE Larry Donnell NYG
123 You Just Have To BELLieve! WR Brian Quick StL
124 Graham Cracker WR Breshad Perriman Bal
125 Too Many (Brandin) Cooks QB Ryan Tannehill Mia
126 Al Pacino From Scent of a Woman WR Roddy White Atl
127 Hot Joel WR Torrey Smith SF
128 Run And Hyde RB Andre Williams NYG
129 Steele Jantz’s Jock Strap K Stephen Gostkowski NE
130 Ready, Willing And Tom Cable WR Brandon Coleman NO
131 Geriatric All Stars WR Anquan Boldin SF
132 Ready, Willing And Tom Cable QB Teddy Bridgewater Min

Keepers: Ryan Tannehill

Best Pick: Teddy Bridgewater
I’m a total fanboy for Teddy, so I could debate whether he or Torrey Smith was the best pick, but the tiebreaker always goes to Teddy. He’s going to be good, really good. I get very angry thinking about how well the Vikings have drafted the last couple years, and Bridgewater is the most important person that they have drafted. He has some more weapons around (including a real life running back), so I think he takes a major step forward this year. I still doubt he is worthy of starting most weeks, but I think he’s a very viable keeper option going into next season.

Worst Pick: Stephen Gostkowski
Dude didn’t even have a defense yet. I usually wait until the last second for both, but if you’re going to reach for one, I’d at least make it a defense.

My Pick: Nobody
I traded this pick in a very confusing situation where I wanted someone to stash Paul George on their roster for me so I could use him as a keeper for the upcoming season. I probably should have tried to pay less for the cost of using an IR spot for most of the year, but if you make a lot of trades, they can’t all be winners.

Round 12
133 Ready, Willing And Tom Cable TE Zach Ertz Phi
134 Geriatric All Stars RB Matt Jones Wsh
135 Wegher Bombs WR Jordy Nelson GB
136 Steele Jantz’s Jock Strap TE Tyler Eifert Cin
137 Run And Hyde RB Roy Helu Oak
138 Hot Joel D/ST Bills D/ST Buf
139 Al Pacino From Scent of a Woman TE Julius Thomas Jac
140 Too Many (Brandin) Cooks D/ST Rams D/ST StL
141 Graham Cracker TE Antonio Gates SD
142 You Just Have To BELLieve! QB Carson Palmer Ari
143 Larry Donnell Trump 4 President D/ST Texans D/ST Hou
144 Deez Nuts D/ST Dolphins D/ST Mia

Best Pick: Tyler Eifert
I loved Tyler Eifert last year, and if his arm hadn’t snapped like a twig, it would have been a good pick. Of course he starts getting a bunch of hype before the draft this year and somebody decided to take him, which really screwed over my strategy of not taking a tight end until the final round strategy. But we’ll get into that later.

Worst Pick: Antonio Gates
Since suspended players can’t be put away on the IR, he’s just wasting a roster spot for the first few weeks. After that, he was very inconsistent, so do you really want him as a starting tight end in your lineup? Oh yeah, and he’s also one year older, and that athleticism has diminished to the point of mere existence at this point.

My Pick: Jordy Nelson
I’m just going to go out on a limb and say that Jordy Nelson for a tenth rounder next year will probably be a pretty good deal, so I’ve already got one of my keeper spots occupied. This pick made me very happy as people got upset in the draft room, and I even got a text the next morning where someone admitted that they had trouble sleeping because they were so pissed about this pick. That alone made this draft a tremendous success.

Round 13
145 Deez Nuts RB Cameron Artis-Payne Car
146 Larry Donnell Trump 4 President WR Jaelen Strong Hou
147 Geriatric All Stars D/ST Jets D/ST NYJ
148 Graham Cracker WR Michael Crabtree Oak
149 Too Many (Brandin) Cooks TE Richard Rodgers GB
150 Al Pacino From Scent of a Woman D/ST Ravens D/ST Bal
151 Hot Joel RB David Cobb Ten
152 Run And Hyde K Adam Vinatieri Ind
153 Steele Jantz’s Jock Strap WR Ty Montgomery GB
154 You Just Have To BELLieve! K Justin Tucker Bal
155 Geriatric All Stars WR Dorial Green-Beckham Ten
156 Ready, Willing And Tom Cable D/ST Cardinals D/ST Ari

Best Pick: David Cobb
David Cobb was probably my number one sleeper for this season. Had he not gotten hurt, I was going to pick him in round 8. He was awesome for Minnesota last year, and I have no doubt that he could have beaten out Bishop Sankey for playing time. Unfortunately, he got injured. I knew this would make him slip in the draft and was hoping I could snag him in the 14th. And I would have gotten away with it had it not been for that stupid auto draft, because Joel is such a dummy he couldn’t make a pick in the allotted time, and it auto-selected David Cobb. So he’ll just stash him away on IR, because it doesn’t hurt anything, and he’ll probably get a nice running back for the second half of the season.

Worst Pick: Cameron Artis-Payne
If you’re going to pick a backup running back for the Panthers, you probably should have picked the dude who is the real deal and going to steal the show once Jonathan Stewart inevitably gets injured. Unfortunately for Deez Nuts, that guy was taken later in this draft (Hint: it was by me and may have something to do with my team name).

My Pick: Nobody
I traded this pick so I could finally get rid of Jaime Garcia for Gio Gonzalez. Jaime Garcia has somehow continued to pitch out of his mind and become Cy-me Garcia. Gio has been inconsistent, much like he has been all year. It’s almost like past results indicate something about future performance. But I have faith that Gio will shine when it’s playoff time, at least that’s the hope that I’m holding onto. Long story short: I’m an idiot.

Round 14
157 Ready, Willing And Tom Cable K Steven Hauschka Sea
158 Geriatric All Stars K Cody Parkey Phi
159 Wegher Bombs D/ST Broncos D/ST Den
160 Steele Jantz’s Jock Strap WR Stedman Bailey StL
161 You Just Have To BELLieve! TE Owen Daniels Den
162 Hot Joel QB Jay Cutler Chi
163 Al Pacino From Scent of a Woman K Dan Bailey Dal
164 Too Many (Brandin) Cooks K Matt Bryant Atl
165 Graham Cracker D/ST Panthers D/ST Car
166 You Just Have To BELLieve! D/ST Eagles D/ST Phi
167 Larry Donnell Trump 4 President WR Rueben Randle NYG
168 Deez Nuts K Dan Carpenter Buf

Best Pick: Jay Cutler
I can’t really commend anybody for taking a defense or kicker, because trying to predict those stats, so that doesn’t leave me a whole lot of options. Although I think Jay Cutler is a garbage quarterback, he is a decent fantasy quarterback, so to snag a decent backup in the 14th round is pretty good value.

Worst Pick: Stedman Bailey
If I was going to take a chance on a former West Virginia wide receiver currently playing for the St. Louis Rams, I probably would have gone with Tavon Austin.

My Pick: Broncos D/ST
I really like the Broncos defense for this year. I think Von Miller takes it to another level this season and is my pick to lead the league in sacks. They also have two really good corners, so the pass defense should be on point. If they can stop the run, they should be a top-5 defense.

Round 15
169 Deez Nuts TE Austin Seferian-Jenkins TB
170 Larry Donnell Trump 4 President K Mason Crosby GB
171 You Just Have To BELLieve! RB Lorenzo Taliaferro Bal
172 Graham Cracker K Chandler Catanzaro Ari
173 Too Many (Brandin) Cooks WR Donte Moncrief Ind
174 Hot Joel WR Terrance Williams Dal
175 Hot Joel K Matt Prater Det
176 Wegher Bombs RB Brandon Wegher Car
177 Steele Jantz’s Jock Strap D/ST Packers D/ST GB
178 Wegher Bombs TE Kyle Rudolph Min
179 Wegher Bombs QB Colin Kaepernick SF
180 Wegher Bombs K Josh Scobee Pit

Best Pick: Colin Kaepernick
Yeah, I’m breaking my rules of giving out bests to my own pick, but looking at these selections, it’s pretty clear that Colin Kaepernick stands out above the rest. Snagging him in the final round is pretty nice, as they have some solid weapons on that offense, and with the defense being worse, they will have to score a lot of points to keep them in games. Since I am terrified of the Rams defense, I may even start Kaepernick the start in week one just to let everybody know that they have to earn their starting spot in my fantasy lineup.

Worst Pick: Josh Scobee
And I’m also going to break my rule for giving myself the worst pick. I am writing this on Friday morning, and two things became very clear. I made a smart decision by picking up Pittsburgh’s kicker, because they are going to score some points. Also, I made a very dumb decision by picking up Josh Scobee, because he is awful at kicking the ball. I was so mad after he missed his second field goal that I turned the game off shortly after that to watch Dog with a Blog. I should have just drafted Nate Kaeding.

My (Other) Picks: Brandon Wegher and Kyle Rudolph
WEGHER BOMBS! The only thing that I think I yelled more while watching Iowa games at a bar is “Mox is a fox!” in regards to James Vandenberg. And the only reasons that got yelled more is Brandon Wegher was a phoenix for the Iowa Hawkeyes whose fire burned out after one season of splitting carries. The dude has incredible natural talent, but it’s amazing that he’s actually harnessed everything after basically falling off the face of the Earth for a few years. Most young people do stupid shit. He did, but it seems like he has his shit together now, and good for him. He was very impressive in the preseason (you kind of have to be to make the team as an undrafted free agent), and I know he has the talent to put up numbers when Jonathan Stewart inevitably gets injured.

Kyle Rudolph is a tight end. In fantasy, it is wise to fill all open positions. Kyle Rudolph fills this requirement. Hooray, Kyle.

Predictions
So looking at the best and worsts of how people did in this draft, let's look at who my greatest challenger will be. Also, I gave an extra point for each keeper, as they all seemed to be very good value...oh, except for Cam Newton, who I subtracted a point for, since he was kept in the third round. Ties are broken by general feel. Without further adieu, here are the likely final standings for the 2015 fantasy football season.

1. Wegher Bombs ∞
2. Hot Joel 3-0
3. You Just Have To BELLieve! 3-1
4. Ready, Willing And Tom Cable 2-0
5. Larry Donnell Trump 4 President 2-0
6. Steele Jantz’s Jock Strap 3-2
7. Too Many (Brandin) Cooks 3-2
8. Graham Cracker 2-1
9. Geriatric All Stars 1-0
10. Deez Nuts 1-2
11. Run And Hyde 0-2
12. Al Pacino From Scent of a Woman 1-4 

What Would You Give Up For Johnny Manziel?

With the draft coming up this week, there are teams that are still trying to figure out what to do about their quarterback situation. Obviously, two teams will solve their issue with Jameis Winston and Marcus Mariota. Although I like Brett Hundley, I doubt he will set the world on fire from day one, and I can't imagine he will earn a starting job to start the 2015 season. Still, that leaves one guy who might be worth a shot in solving a quarterback problem. That man is Johnny Manziel.

A lot of people think that Manziel is already a bust, but I'm not sure if we learned much of anything from his performance. Before the draft last year, there was a consensus that Manziel was a first round pick. Just because he struggled in limited playing time in an offense (both in scheme and personnel) that didn't exactly play to his strengths, it doesn't mean that the guy has no chance at success in the NFL.

The fact that his off-the-field concerns have only intensified in the last year is a pretty bad sign, but it also presents an opportunity. Cleveland is doing everything they can to avoid committing to him, so they may be ready to sell. The question becomes, what would you give up to acquire Johnny Football?

The first thing to figure out is whether you want Jonathan F. Football at all. As a team without a good quarterback (Bears), I am definitely interested in the opportunity to acquire a young quarterback with potential. Ideally, the Bears could just do a straight swap of Cutler for Manziel, but with the draft this week, I think it is best to look at it from a draft pick perspective.

Would I give up a first round pick for Johnny Manziel? That is a pretty easy answer. No, I would not give up a first round pick for Johnny Manziel.

Would I give up a second round pick for Johnny Manziel? On talent alone, I think the move would make sense, but he does have some pretty big question marks that have surfaced, both on and off the field. I'm certainly not paying sticker price for Manziel, so although I would give it some consideration, I think I would pass on the opportunity to get Manziel for a second round pick.

Would I give up a third round pick for Johnny Manziel? Aw crap, we're really on the border now. I think I would need to get a 5th back in the deal to pull the trigger on it, and that would make it worth it. They could probably get me with a 6th if they decided they really wanted to push it. The talent is still there with Manziel, and you have to take chances to get a quarterback who has the potential to be very good. It's worth the risk at that point.

Would I give up a fourth round pick for Johnny Manziel? No negotiations necessary, I would immediately make this happen.

But I'd still rather trade Jay Cutler for him instead.

Are Anti-Vaccine People The Worst Human Beings Ever?

With an outbreak of measles, anti-vaccination people have stopped being the charming dipshit that you know to an actual threat to people's health. Well, at least that is how I have seen them since I don't have children. I was more of the opinion that they were terribly stupid as opposed to terrible people, but it's pretty clear that they are now much more the former than the latter. So it's not a matter of whether they are awful people, it's a matter of how awful they are. I decided to look at some other awful people to figure out where they would land on the spectrum of awful people.

Juggalos
Juggalos drink Faygo and do drugs. Their opinions on women are antiquated, but if you are a juggalette, they seem to treat them with respect. Their stupidity, like not understanding magnets is harmless. Overall, Juggalos just really just like to party; anti-vaxxers are so much worse than that.

Scientologists
As a cult, scientologists are a tad dangerous. They definitely put people in some bad situations, but they still never outright murder people. I feel like the anti-vax crowd can really relate to scientologists. Scientologists are usually super happy people. Just look at Tom Cruise. Also, anti-vaccine people are super happy, because if ignorance is bliss, then these people must constantly feel as if they are inhaling nitrous oxide. I mean, these people side with Jay Cutler, who may not even be anti-vaccination as much as he is just too lazy to take his kids to the doctor.

But the big difference between the two is that Scientologists only harm their own. They don't put everyone in danger. Therefore, anti-vaccine people are way worse than Scientologists.

Racists
Okay, it's time to step it up. Racists are truly awful people. I find charm in Juggalos and have no real issues with Scientologists, but even I can't defend racists. I mean, they're racists. That's really bad, but is it worse than anti-vaccination people?

Racists these days more work in systematic racism as opposed to outright dangerous racism. Now, there have been recent issues with police being quick to pull the trigger on minorities, but that topic is a little too nuanced for me to address here. Most racists aren't physical threats, and even the really hardcore racists at least go after adults, so their ignorance doesn't usually endanger the lives of children. The anti-vaccination community is stupid, but it's stupid dangerous. And just like racists, both of their stances are completely based off ignorance with no scientific or real-world backing. If somebody is screaming the n-word, they are going to be put in their place, anti-vaccination people should suffer the same scorn for spouting off their ignorant bullshit as well. Systematic racism is something that is truly awful, yet people who are anti-vaccination still manage to be worse.

Terrorists
At least terrorists come up with reasoning behind why they want people dead. And although I do not agree with that reasoning, a lot of terrorists have had family and friends killed which definitely spurns their hatred of America (and our freedom, they SUPER hate our freedom). An anti-vaxxer wants to endanger innocent children's lives because noted science expert and Male Gigolo, Rob Schneider, believe it causes autism. How is exposing the United States to deadly diseases that have been wiped out in this country not considered chemical warfare? If a terrorist did that, they would be arrested and at best, spend the rest of their lives in prison. But there are somehow not laws against these anti-vaccination disease terrorists. So yes, anti-vaccine people are even worse than terrorists.

Hitler
I know what you're thinking: Nobody can be worse than Hitler. He's Hitler. He has to be the worse, right? Well, just hear me out. Both used their own ignorance to intentionally harm innocent people. Hitler targeted Jews, which is super bad, but anti-vaccination people targeted children. That's as bad as it gets. Still, Hitler's methods were gruesome, and his grew out of a place of hatred as opposed to simple ignorance.

Hitler still takes the crown, because, well, he's Hitler. So congratulations, anti-vaxxers, you're just behind Hitler in awful people in this world. Now go get your child vaccinated, you dumbfucks.

Jay Cutler to the Buffalo Bills

My sources tell me that Jay Cutler to the Buffalo Bills is a done deal. Now currently, my only source is my dog. When I asked her if Jay Cutler was headed to the Bills, she started excitedly doing spins. She may have thought I said ball, but I think it still passes as journalistically ethical for me to run with the story. 

And come on. Doesn't this story make sense? Cutler has worn out his welcome in Chicago, and the Bills have a great defense and some good weapons on offense. All they are missing is a solid quarterback to make them a threat in the AFC. As a native Iowan, I am bound to support Kyle Orton, but for the second time in his career, Jay Cutler may prove to be an upgrade over him. 

The Bills do not have a first round pick this year, so adding a veteran is their best way to improve. Throwing a third round pick the Bears way is a great way for both teams to improve, the Bills immediately, and the Bears as part of a long-term rebuilding plan as warm bodies on defense would be a significant upgrade at most positions. 

I can't wait for this trade to get finalized. Jay Glazer, Adam Schefter, and any of you other news breakers out there, you MUST CREDIT HOTT JOE for use of this story. Ya'll fools be like a bunch of ice cream, cuz you just got SCOOPED.

In Defense of Jimmy Clausen

Man, people really hate Jimmy Clausen, but I don't totally understand why. Yes, he has a punchable face. Yes, it is easy to hate all things Notre Dame. And yes, he has not lived up to some lofty expectations. I know a lot of people are laughing at the Bears because they benched Jay Cutler in order to start Clausen, but I'm not so sure he's going to fall on his face like people expect.

Now Clausen can't change that he has a punchable face, nor can he change what college he attended, but I'm not so sure how big of a bust he has been thus far in his career. It's not like he was a first round pick; he wasn't selected until halfway through the second round. He's considered much more a bust, because Mel Kiper had him number one on his board. Honestly, the Rams may have been better off taking Clausen over Sam Bradford considering how things turned out.

Clausen started 10 games in his rookie year, and he was admittedly terrible. There is no getting around that, but a lot of rookies play poorly and then improve. And it's not like the team was loaded with weapons. The Panthers had Steve Smith and...Dwayne Jarrett? So it's not like this team was loaded with weapons.

What did he do after that year? He has started a grand total of zero games. In fact, he hasn't thrown a single pass. Actually, he hasn't stepped foot on a football field in the regular season since his rookie year. Clausen never really got a fair shake to prove himself.

Now I'm not expecting Clausen to light the world on fire, but what's the difference between Jimmy Clausen and Josh McCown? Clausen went to Notre Dame, so he had more hype. McCown had about four times as many starts over eleven years and repeatedly proved that he was not good, yet he got with the Bears and looked good enough to get a fat contract from Tampa Bay this past offseason. Clausen is young enough to still have some upside, so I'm not sure why McCown succeeded, yet it is ridiculous to think that maybe Clausen could do the same. McCown did have the help of having Brandon Marshall around last year, but that's not enough to count out Clausen from making a positive impact. He's not the first guy with the initials JC that worked miracles, but he might be the best.

Let's face it, a job is on the line. If Clausen falls flat on his face, Trestman is gone (even though I do not agree with that decision). But if Clausen succeeds, Cutler is gone, and Trestman is going to have another chance to make the Bears a winner.

You can shit on Jimmy Clausen all you want, but for the first time in two months, I'm excited to watch a Bears game, and that has to count for something.

Marc Trestman And The Future Of The Chicago Bears

The Bears have looked awful this season. It is shocking that they managed to win five games, because the team that has shown up the last two months probably didn't deserve to win a single game. Clearly, there are major issues. I don't think there is a chance that defensive coordinator Mel Tucker survives, and Aaron Kromer's tearful apology may not be enough to save his job either, which leads to the next natural question: Will the Chicago Bears keep Marc Trestman?

I understand that there is a very good chance that many will call for Trestman's head, because the Bears have taken a significant step backwards this season. There is no way to deny this, but how much of that can be blamed on Trestman? Let's take a hard look at the Bears, and yes, any look at the Bears is hard to put myself through.

The offense has looked sloppy, but the skill position players are undoubtedly there to have a potent offense. Forte, Jeffery, Marshall, and Bennett are all good to great players, so you could complain about Bennett's blocking issues and no other receiver emerging as a potent option, but that is pretty nitpicky and nothing to dwell on.

The Bears offensive line is bad; actually, that's not fair; they're simply not good. It's not like anybody stands out as terrible, but the fact that nobody stands out as great (Kyle Long being the closest thing, but he's still working through inconsistency) limits the ceiling of what you can expect out of their performance. They benefited greatly from continuity last year, so even just a single doesn't make one spot worse, it contributes in making everyone worse. The Bears succeeded as a line, because they worked as a unit and knew how to pick up stunts and blitzes. When they got beat, it was getting beaten by talent as opposed to mental lapses. Now they are getting beaten in both ways, and it is really slowing down the offense, especially in the run game.

Then there's Jay Cutler. I have always been anti-Cutler, but let's recognize him for what he is: A perfectly average quarterback. He's Even Steven. He will flash some brilliance, and flash some idiocy. It all balances out, but in the end, he's somewhere around the 16th best quarterback in the league. But his strengths do not fit Trestman's system, which is all about timing and quick decisions. Jay holds onto the ball a little long, but also has a cannon of an arm. Trestman was apprehensive about committing to Cutler when he took the job, because he knew that he had these weaknesses. Still, it is really tough to go from a solid quarterback to a question mark at quarterback, and they decided their best option was to focus on the positive and bring back Cutler for what basically amounted to a three-year deal. It's easy to call this a bad decision now, but it's also hard to blame them for making it as there was no right answer.

And sadly, the offense is the positive side of things for the Bears. The defense is atrocious. The first year it was clear that the Bears didn't have enough talent. This year, they brought in more talent, but it has not been enough to make up for the regression. Let's go through the defense quickly, because it's really depressing to think about.

The defensive line is...fine. They have some intriguing guys in the middle with Ego Ferguson, Will Sutton, Stephen Paea, and Jeremiah Ratliff. The outside guys are solid with Willie Young flashing in games and Jared Allen being playable. They are not the issue.

The linebackers are the worst in football. They are not only the worst linebacking corps, they are probably the worst unit in football at any position. Lance Briggs doesn't have it, we can comfortably call Shea McClellin a bust, and I was unfortunately correct about Jonathan Bostic.

In the secondary, Kyle Fuller has flashed, but rookie cornerbacks always look like garbage, so there is no need to worry yet, but I also don't feel nearly as good about him as I do about the guy taken one pick earlier, Aaron Donald. Tim Jennings is okay for now, but a little known fact about Jennings is that he is a human, so every year, he gets older...by a year. The safeties put their pads on correctly every week. If the linebackers weren't so bad, this unit would be in the running for one of the worst units in football.

So this brings us back to Marc Trestman. Clearly, the Bears have taken a step back this year, but I still think that he should stick around. Continuity is key for most successful franchises, and giving Trestman two years isn't really fair to him or the franchise as a whole. Three years is a minimum that I personally set for any coach, and I would usually lean towards four. In all honesty, I don't see any realistic way that the Bears can be a Super Bowl contender next year. There are just too many holes on the roster. Because of that, there is no real benefit in bringing in a new coach without giving Trestman another chance.

The Chicago Bears may have a good coach in Marc Trestman, but it's going to take at least another year to find out. 

Jay Cutler: The Perfectly Average Quarterback

Jay Cutler is amazing in that everyone seems to have a strong opinion about him. But this is the wrong way of viewing J-Cutty. When taking an objective look at things, he's not great or awful, because all of that greatness and awfulness averages out to...well, average.

As a quarterback, he has a very strong arm, but man, he makes some really stupid decisions that kill the Bears. But he would also make ridiculous throws that would give you hope that he could accomplish anything on the football field. Then he'd throw an interception that would give you a neck cramp from shaking your head. I'll admit that I focused more on the latter, but it doesn't cancel out the former.

Cutler is amazing in that people have very strong opinions about him, and when it comes to football, there really shouldn't be strong opinions on him at all. As much as I have bashed Jay Cutler over the years, there's nothing inherently wrong with him. If opinions were simply based on his results, you would look at it and say that he is a perfectly reasonable quarterback. Nothing grand, but nothing awful either. Some good games, and some bad games. Most Bears fans think he has the potential to be a top-five quarterback in the league. Here's the problem with that. he's 30 years old. We're past potential at this point. He is what he is. But he's not awful. He provides a lot of ups and downs, but it all balances out to a middling quarterback. He's just a way more exciting version of Alex Smith. They both get you to the same end result, just with very divergent paths.

Why a lot of people hate him is his personality. From everything we know about Cutler, he seems like kind of an asshole. But his personality is actually a reason that I really respect him. Jay Cutler is who he is. He has not changed his personality a bit, and I bet he's really happy to be him. Peyton Manning may be the greatest quarterback ever, but there is no way he is as happy about life as Jay Cutler is. He spends so much time studying and worrying about football that he has no time to host annual 80s parties with a reality TV Star wife.

Jay Cutler is what he is. At quarterback, he's perfectly reasonable to play as a starter. As a person, he may be a bit of a prick, but at least he's honest, and he's doing what makes him happy. You gotta support that.

So, cheers to you, Jay Cutler. Throughout most of the first half of yesterday's game, I was convinced that he was going to get my team eliminated from the fantasy playoffs, but he turned it around and put in a perfectly reasonable performance. I don't know why I expected anything else.

Chicago Bears: America's Team

There are a lot of ridiculous terms and sayings in sports, at least 94% of those deal with Brett Favre.  "He just loves to play the game."  "He's a gunslinger."  "When you see Brett Favre, you think of two things, Crocs and Cocks."  As ridiculous as those are, the most ridiculous term I hear used constantly has to be "America's Team."  Somehow, in baseball, it's the New York Yankees, in football, it's the Dallas Cowboys, and in basketball, it's, um...the Toronto Raptors?  But do any of these teams really represent America?  Let's investigate:

New York Yankees - Rich Assholes
Dallas Cowboys - Rich Assholes
Toronto Raptors - Even worse, Canadians

How in the hell do these teams come close to representing America?  They don't.  But I do know of one team that represents America, and that team is the Chicago Bears.  The combination of the team, the front office, and the fans all work together to create a true slice of Americana.  Let's break it down.

1.  They suck - The United States has become a country of the haves and have nots.  I'm pretty sure 1% of the population has 90% of the wealth.  Then there's a shrinking middle class, and then there is us regular folk.  We don't have the three vacation homes, yachts to travel across the ocean, or ice makers built into our refrigerators.  The Bears are the same way.  They aren't the 1% that is doing great every year.  They lose...a lot.  But they don't need fancy things like wins, because of reason number two.

2.  Blind optimism -They have a loyal fan base that thinks every move they make is absolutely brilliant.  It is amazing that everyone can go into the offseason knowing that offensive line is their biggest weakness.  When the Bears do nothing to address that position, but instead address wants instead of needs, all their fans reply, "Our offensive line may suck, but we're going to be AWESOME everywhere else."  The Bears can do no wrong.  When the Bears got Jay Cutler, I thought, "Wow, they are completely screwed."  All of my friends thought, "Wow, we just go a QB with Kurt Warner's accuracy, Peyton Manning's smarts, Joe Montana's clutchness, and Fabio's good looks."  To be fair to Bears fans, they may have got confused with the other Jay Cutler on the last one:

But this blind optimism of their fanbase also represents America.  Every human being on the planet thinks they are going to be rich and/or famous.  It's the reason that people's cleaning ladies bought three houses without thinking that maybe that wasn't such a great idea.  It's the reason that people continue to buy lottery tickets when the odds of success are so unfathomably low that people might be better using that money as toilet paper.  It's probably the reason I'm unemployed, but hey, I never said that blind optimism isn't a great time.  This is America; this is the Chicago Bears.

3.  Clinging to the past - You can talk to any random stranger, ask them about the best thing that happened to them, and watch them light up as they tell you their story.  The amazing thing is that no matter how big or small the accomplishment was, the person gets the same joy out of reliving it.  It doesn't matter if you ran for a touchdown in a junior high football game or won Super Bowl MVP, that moment will always be yours, and it'll always make you feel awesome.  We romanticize the past and talk about it like it was just yesterday.  It's human nature and no team better exemplifies that than the Chicago Bears.  The Bears last won the Super Bowl in 1985.  I was barely alive back then (I was a worthless baby at the time), yet I know more about that season than any season that has come since then.  Most have zero memories of actually watching that team, yet would still come to blows with you if you said any team was better than the 1985 Bears.  This was 25 years ago, but people act like it was yesterday.  This is only going to get worse.  In 1000 years, when linebackers are seven feet tall, and weigh 400 pounds of pure muscle, the Bears defense of 3010 will still get compared to the 1985 Bears.  The sadder thing is that the Bears still may not have won another title since then, but hey, nobody will ever be able to take 1985 away from us.

4.  Jay Cutler - Ricky Stanzi may love America, but Jay Cutler is America.  He's the best of America, and hte worst of America.  Look at Jay Cutler:

 What a goofy looking bastard, yet this is who Jay Cutler is dating:

Good God.  We've all walked down the street, seen a great looking girl with some ugly douchebag, and wondered how in the hell they were together.  Well Jay Cutler is the epitome of that douchebag.  He's the American Dream.  But he's also the worst of America.  Jay Cutler has a great arm, yet there is no way he'll ever win a Super Bowl.  Why?  Laziness.  In yesterday's Bears game against the Patriots that was played in the snow, Phil Simms actually said something interesting (yes, it shocked me too).  He talked about how Tom Brady meticulously rubbed down his balls to make sure that he'd have a good grip on them so their passing game did not suffer.  Jay Cutler was not as meticulous.  In fact, he didn't rub the balls down at all.  He told Simms, and this is no joke, that it took too much effort to rub them down so it wasn't worth it.  Too much effort?

This is a great example of the American people.  Everybody wants success, but nobody wants to put the work in to achieve it.  When things get tough, it's easy to give up, and Jay Cutler totally believes in this strategy.  People don't want to do the little things that lead a select few to great success.  Neither does Jay Cutler.  He is getting paid millions and millions of dollars to succeed at football, and rubbing a ball down so it isn't slick is too much effort?  Jay Cutler must be playing a joke on all of us.  He wasn't; he fumbled the next play.

Only in America.

-Joe

P.S.  I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I love Derrick Rose.

And if you want to be more like Derrick Rose, you can now take the supplements of the best player in the NBA.