I'm a Knicks Fan This Year

I am a lifelong Bulls fan. Growing up near-ish Chicago during Jordan's prime basically ensured that I would love the Bulls with all of my heart. But I remember the bad years as well, drafting guys like Marcus Fizer and signing guys like Eddie Robinson; they were awful for a really long time. Then they started drafting better, lucked into the number one pick and had one of the best coaches in the NBA, so it was a whole lot easier to like them.

Then the Bulls got rid of that coach for a guy whose best attribute was getting guys kicked out of other universities to come to his and play together. Shockingly, that did not spell success at the NBA level. Then, they basically got rid of everyone from those fun grinding Bulls teams, only keeping Jimmy Butler and Taj Gibson around. And of course, I still like those guys, I even like Dwyane Wade, Doug McDermott, Nikola Mirotic, and Bobby Portis, but I like those guys more in a vacuum than on this team. Also, they picked up Rajon Rondo, the player I hate the most in the NBA, and another shocker here, it hasn't worked out too well.

So I'm a still Bulls fan, but I don't want to actually watch the Bulls. You see my predicament here? So I've watched some other NBA teams. I have to eliminate all west coast teams, because I can't stay up that late. I'm not going to watch a good team, because then I might fall in love, and I don't want to do that to the Bulls, so I glanced around the league and found the perfect solution, The New York Knickerbockers.

I mean, let's think about it. The only other decent options are the Pacers who show potential but aren't all that fun, and the Bucks, but they're a little too cool and spelling Giannis Antetokounmpo is just a giant pain to spell, so I didn't want to write that.

As a Bulls fan during the 90s, I am predisposed to hating the Knicks, and yes, I will forever hate John Starks and think that they were responsible for the worst years of basketball after Jordan retried (in my mind, Jordan retired from the Bulls and never played again). So saying out loud that I like the Knicks is difficult, but watching the Knicks is a really enjoyable experience.

Let's get the obvious out of the way. They took two of my all-time favorite Bulls when they got Joakim Noah and Derrick Rose this offseason. I still love these guys. Neither of them is the same player they were in their prime, but they show enough flashes to let you get lost in the moments and convince yourself that they are about to have a career renaissance. Rose can still make ridiculous drives and avoid contact as he lays something up high off the glass, and Noah isn't as springy, but he is wily and still more hustle plays than you can expect from any single person. I will forever love watching these guys play (Also, not concerned about Derrick Rose just disappearing from the team last week; that's part of the Derrick Rose charm).

The next reason to like the Knicks is Carmelo Anthony. Carmelo gets a bad rap, because he has never won anything in the NBA, but he's still super awesome at basketball. When Melo gets hot, it is special. I saw the Knicks play the Heat earlier this year, and it was a close game about halfway through the third quarter until Melo just decided to make a shot every time he touched the ball. It finally stopped when he took a contested three as a heat check, but by that time, the Knicks were up double digits and the game was over. Appreciate Carmelo Anthony, because even though he's not the perfect basketball player, he is one of the best.

Then there's Kristaps Porzingis. Porzingis is the guy everyone wants to talk about, but he's still a distant fourth for my favorite Knicks players to watch. Don't get me wrong. He's really good, but he doesn't compare to those top three. His game is easy to enjoy; it's effortless. He's fully appreciated, which makes it less fun to root for him but still fun to watch him.

After that, I still enjoy watching Brandon Jennings. I know he can't make a shot to save his life, but he can still dribble real nicely, and that counts for something. I guess I could say I like Kyle O'Quinn and Courtney Lee, but those are just solid players that you should like, not players that I really care about. They could easily be replaced.

The rest of the Knicks bench is hot garbage. There is nothing of notable talent or consequences, and that's fine. It gives them a ton of potential for easy upgrades. But that's nitpicking at this point.

With D-Rose, Noah, Melo, Zinger, and Young Money, this team is the perfect blend of fun and stupidity. And since they are likely to lose Rose and Jennings after this year, it will be easy to throw them to the side and start cheering for the Bulls after they ditch Rondo and Hoiberg. The Knicks are my team...for this year.

Derrick Rose Was Our Guy

Derrick Rose was our guy. I say was, because yesterday, Derrick Rose was traded from the Chicago Bulls to the New York Knicks. When I first saw the news, I felt a bit of numbness. I know Derrick Rose hasn't been the player he was before his injuries, but I was still hanging on and hoping that one day he would come back and relive those former glory days. So it stopped me in my tracks when I saw it. I'm going to miss Derrick Rose.

There's not many athletes that have meant as much to Chicago sports fans as Derrick Rose. In basketball, there was nobody that could touch his popularity since Michael Jordan. And for all of Chicago sports, the only person that can compare since Jordan is probably Brian Urlacher. Derrick Rose was our guy.

Let's not forget that the Bulls had no reasonable chance to get him but still somehow won that lottery. Derrick Rose was our blessing. And he was a hometown guy. He was a super athletic point guard in a league that was fading away from the dominance of big men. He was literally the perfect superstar to bring the Bulls back to glory.

And the crazy thing is that he did it. He brought the Bulls back to levels they had not seen since MJ. With Tom Thibodeau coaching, the Bulls had a hard-nosed team that were a nightmare for any team to play. Thibs and Noah led the defense, and Derrick Rose was the offense. In their one opportunity before the injury, the Bulls cruised to the Eastern Conference Semis to take on the Miami Heat. Everyone in the world was rooting for the Bulls, and they came out and smashed the Heat by 20. They dropped the next two, but with time ticking down, Derrick Rose had a shot at the buzzer to take game four. It rimmed out, and the Bulls lost in overtime. They then barely lost at home in game 5. People remember it as a dominant 4-1 Heat win in that series, but man, had Derrick Rose just had that one break with the ball rolling in instead of out, it could've been far different.

And that pretty much sums up Derrick Rose's career to this point. It's a lot of what ifs, and so closes but not quites. I could try to go through all of them, but that would make this post incredibly long, and more importantly, I think it would just be too painful. Derrick Rose gave me so much hope, but his career has been emotionally draining to me as well. That's what happens when we care too much. It's stupid and completely illogical to care this much, but I can't help it. Derrick Rose was our guy.

God, this is really sounding like an obituary, so let's remember that he just got traded. He's gone, but we can still see him every now and then. I'll still be rooting for him, as he grasps for that glory that constantly seems just out of reach. But it won't be the same. He's not a Bull anymore. He's not a Chicago lifer. He's not the problem, and he's not the solution. But let's not forget, Derrick Rose was our guy.

Why I Still Believe In Derrick Rose

Let me just be up front about something: I have an irrational love for Derrick Rose. It has a lot to do with my lifelong fandom of the Chicago Bulls, but just as important is how entertaining Derrick Rose was early on in his career. He wasn't always great, but he would always do great things. He was the most exciting player in the NBA, because he would just do these ridiculous things that would make your jaw drop.

Then he got injured.

Things haven't quite been the same since. At first, it was only bad, but this year the turnaround has begun. He hasn't been the MVP candidate that he used to be, but he has shown glimpses of his former self. It is those moments that I grasp onto as a fan. I see those moments as seeds, and I continue to think that they will blossom into what he once was. And I do still believe. 

While the mainstream media treats Rose as more of an afterthought, I still see the potential greatness, and I believe that he will turn that potential into a reality. 

Point guard is the most loaded position in the league right now. Even teams that are weak at point guard almost all have decent options. And most teams have guys that are All-Star caliber or at least borderline. There are guys below the elite class like Jeff Teague who is a really good player, and yet, if you gave me the option, I wouldn't take him over Rose.

Sure, those guys can consistently give you good performances, but there is a distinct ceiling on what they can bring to the table. Meanwhile, Derrick Rose is maddeningly inconsistent. He has had plenty of 8 point games on 30% shooting, but he'll also throw up 30 points on a random night and look like that unstoppable force that he was before he was maligned by injuries. 

When it comes to the playoffs, I'd rather have the chance of greatness as opposed to a guaranteed good performance. A lot of people are doubting Derrick Rose, but I'm not close to giving up. Jeff Teague is an All-Star for his consistency, but their best is never going to match Derrick Rose's best. 

That's why I still believe in Derrick Rose.

Reviewing the Bulls 2014 Offseason

The Bulls are one of the most interesting teams in the NBA. These past two years they have been good enough to make the playoffs, but not good enough to make it out of the first round. Still, Bulls fans have dreams of them competing for the championship in this upcoming season. These dreams were especially strong as they potentially had a lot of money to sign an impact free agent to add to the roster. Let's look at what went down, and just as important, what didn't go down and try to determine whether this offseason was a success.

First off, let's look at the draft. The Bulls had their own first round pick as well as Charlotte's, so they had a good shot of adding not one but two impact players. Still, Thibodeau has not been one to give rookies a lot of minutes, so a great impact for their rookie year would be tough to expect. On draft night, the Bulls turned two assets into one better asset when they traded the two picks for a slightly higher one in order to select Doug McDermott from Creighton. Many people thought they gave up too much to get McDermott, but if that is the player they really wanted, then it makes sense to do what is necessary to get him. There are only five guys on the floor, so getting one that you really like is a smart move. Also, one very underrated aspect of the Bulls front office is doing a very good job of acquiring talent through the draft. Taj, Joakim, and Jimmy Butler were all picks that didn't get them much acclaim but have worked out very well for the team.

Before the free agency period began, the Bulls were involved in three credible rumors, two of which were good, and one of which was terrifying. The good was a possibility of trading for Kevin Love or signing Carmelo Anthony. The bad was that the Bulls would just keep Carlos Boozer and do nothing. That last one had me waking up in cold sweats. Let's attack them one by one.

This first one is still a possibility, but I don't really think the Bulls have what it takes to get Love at this point. They could trade Taj, Mirotic, one of their wings (Snell, who looked much improved in Summer League, McDermott, or Butler) and a couple first round picks. If I were Minnesota, I'd definitely take the lottery tickets of Wiggins and Bennett, but maybe they really love Mirotic. Still, this is very doubtful, and I'm okay with that.

Signing Carmelo Anthony did not happen and looking back had very little chance of happening. The Bulls simply didn't clear enough cap space to make a competitive offer. I think Carmelo would have happily gone to the Bulls had they been able to keep the roster in place and make the same offer the Knicks made. I think it was a strong possibility that they could have gotten them had they made the same offer the Lakers made as well, but it was not meant to be. We blame athletes like Carmelo for taking the money, but basketball is only going to last the next few years, and even on a good team, it's really hard to win a championship. I can't really blame the guy for staying in New York and hoping that Phil Jackson can luck into some game changing talents through free agency and the draft.

Finally, the last one did not come to fruition. Once the Bulls signed anybody, it was pretty clear that Boozer would no longer be with the team. Unlike most Bulls fans, I do not have animosity towards Boozer, as he was a fine player for the Bulls. He did not live up to his contract; he was not as good as Taj Gibson, but he still played hard. Still, he wore out his welcome, and it was pretty clear that the Bulls could not bring him back. I wish him luck as part of the new Big 3 with Jeremy Lin and Swaggy P.

But let's get back to what the Bulls actually did, from least exciting to most exciting:

Kirk Hinrich is back. Kirk Hinrich will always be back.

Nikola Mirotic is finally coming over to the United States. In my fantasies, he's a better version of Dirk Nowitzki. In reality, he should be a good offensive weapon, but the defense will likely leave something to be desired. He will be an interesting piece, and he can definitely step in right away to stretch defenses and cause matchup problems, especially when he is playing against second units.

The most exciting move was Pau Gasol. I love Pau. You love Pau. We all love Pau. Health is a concern, but when he was healthy, he was pretty damn good still. He nearly averaged a double-double, so having that as a backup big is a pretty nice improvement over Nazr Mohammed. And, like Mirotic, he will playing a lot of minutes against backups, which means he can cause serious issues against bench units. The Bulls will actually have scoring options on the floor for all 48 minutes of the game. Pau turned down offers for more money, so overall, this is just great news for the Bulls.

Finally, the Summer League happened. Doug McDermott was the only rookie to make the All Summer League first team, and you could make the argument that last year's first round pick, Tony Snell, played even better. This solidifies the bench for the Bulls. The starters still project to be Noah, Gibson, Dunleavy, Butler, and Rose with Gasol, Mirotic, McDermott, Snell, and Hinrich coming off the bench. I would definitely like to see Thibodeau be more willing to mix and match the big guys, as Mirotic could use a guy like Noah to protect him on defense, while Gibson can do the heavy work on defense with Gasol in at Center.

So that wraps it up. The Bulls have convinced me, yet again, that they are going to be the dominant force in the East. If Derrick Rose stays healthy (his stats may not have been great during his comeback last year, but a lot of that was just figuring out his touch around the rim as the explosiveness was still there), they are the favorites to win the East, and I don't see why they can't compete with the top teams in the West.

It may not be the Jordan years, but it's still a good time to be a Bulls fan.

What Should The Bulls Do This Offseason?

The Bulls are one of the most fascinating teams going into this offseason. Derrick Rose's health is the biggest question, but all Bulls fans can do about that is hope, pray, and wait to see what happens. Almost as big of a story is whether the Bulls will make a big move to bolster their lineup. There are a lot of options out there, but what is the best option? Let's look at some likely scenarios.

1. Do Nothing

This is the one that scares Bulls fans, and although I don't love it, I'm also not totally against it. Everyone assumes that the Bulls will amnesty Boozer, but the Bulls are notoriously cheap, so throwing away $15 million doesn't seem like it would be at the top of their list of things to do. Still, if Nikola Mirotic finally comes over from Spain, there really isn't a place for the Bulls to play Boozer, as Gibson can play the traditional 4 and Mirotic can be used as a stretch 4. That would mean they have no money, but considering they have two first round picks, they could hopefully find a solid wing and a backup center. That's a team that will probably need some luck, but LeBron's supporting cast is getting older, so are the Spurs, and OKC has Scott Brooks, whose skill with Xs and Os starts and ends with Tic-tac-toe. Still, this plan would drive Bulls fans crazy, and yet wouldn't totally surprise me.

2. Trade for Kevin Love

This seems to be the option that gives Bulls fans wet dreams. Love is definitely the best player that the Bulls could add, but that's pretty easy to say since he is one of the 10 best players in the league. Obviously, he would be a great addition, but I'll admit that it would still be bittersweet. I, like many Bulls fans, love Taj Gibson more and more every year. The reason he is so valuable is that when other teams go small, they can keep Taj at the four, dominate the boards, and still have him hang with a wing on defense. That is a really valuable commodity. Also, I have been dreaming of Mirotic for years, and have already decided that he is a poor man's Dirk, which gives the Bulls all kinds of fun options. But it's still Kevin Love, so even if they traded Gibson, Mirotic, and two first round picks, they would still be putting themselves in a better position to win a championship in the next few years. Also, it would ensure that Boozer would be gone, which Bulls fans seem to need at this point.

3. Get Melo

After thinking about it, I have joined Joakim Noah as saying this is the move I want the most. Carmelo is not perfect, but he is very much needed for the Bulls and fills their biggest need. He can score from the wing, and that is what the Bulls need. He is a force with the ball in his hands, so not all the offense would have to fall on Derrick Rose in crunch time. They'd have to amnesty Boozer and probably get rid of Dunleavy to have enough money to bring over Mirotic, but these are all realistic possibilities. Also, I would expect Carmelo's defense to improve since he will finally be playing for a coach that cares about that side of the ball (I admit this is slightly unfair to Mike Woodson, but he's not on the level of Thibs). In the draft, the Bulls can add depth and be ready to bring the championship back to Chicago.

I am way too optimistic about the Bulls. Even in the first scenario, I could see them competing for a championship. With Love, their odds increase, but I still like Carmelo Anthony the most. A lineup of Noah-Gibson-Melo-Butler-Rose is probably the best starting five in the league. Thibodeau has shown he can turn just about any bench players into solid contributors, so I really don't see how the Bulls would not be the favorite for the title if they can stay healthy. My childhood was filled with six championships, so I will never be too mad at the Bulls. But as a Cubs, Bears, and Bulls fan, it has been 16 years without a professional title (really wish I liked hockey), so I feel like I am due, and the Bulls are my best shot at that. Bring on Melo, and me and Lala can make jokes about Carson Daly. Everybody wins, especially the city of Chicago.

Something To Be Excited About For All 30 NBA Teams

The NBA is back, and I'm super excited about it. Since I grew up a Bulls fan, nothing will ever touch the 90s for my basketball love, but even though my love can never be as deep, the variety of things to love for the current NBA is incredible. There is not a team that is not at least somewhat interesting to watch this season, and I am incredibly excited for so many things. Here is one thing for every team.

Atlanta Hawks - Lou Williams is coming back. He is awesome off the bench, and I used to hate him, because my brother used to be the 76ers a couple years ago and dominate me with Lou Williams. If Williams finally becomes as good as his video game identity, he will be first-team All NBA.

Boston Celtics - Jeff Green. I have an unnatural love for Jeff Green, because I worked for the Sonics during their final year, meaning I saw Green's and Durant's rookie year. He also got Scottie Pippen comparisons all the time, and Scottie will always be near and dear to my heart. Is he going to be Scottie Pippen? No, but he showed flashes of brilliance, and the Celtics are going to need somebody to step up, and Jeff Green is probably their best option for that.

Brooklyn Nets - Aundray Blatche. Oh yes, out of all the changes the Nets made, I'm going with a guy they brought back. Blatche, who took the minimum to screw over the Wizards more, so they have to pay him as much as possibly after amnestying him is going to be one of the most interesting players of the season. That is because he will be playing with KG. Blatche has always had talent, so will KG help him unlock those skills, or will he drive KG insane? There is NO MIDDLE GROUND. Can't wait.

Charlotte Bobcats - Kemba Walker. I think most would say he had a disappointing rookie year, but his second year, he improved across the board with increased usage. Now that he has Al Jefferson to take some of the defensive focus away from him, he could easily go for 20 PPG. Also, do not count them out of having the worst overall record. This team isn't just going to stand up and let the 76ers be worse than them; they'll have to earn it.

Chicago Bulls - Derrick Rose. So I'm an admitted Bulls fan, and there are a lot of things I could write here, but everything pales in comparison to this team having Derrick Rose back. The Bulls could really use a backup center, but outside of that, this team looks great. They may even occasionally bench Deng since they have Dunleavy to take minutes at the 3, and they can just play Jimmy Butler 45 minutes a game so Thibodeau doesn't get out of rhythm. Taj added 20 pounds of muscle and has looked like a beast in the preseason. Okay, need to stop before I start waxing poetically about what Erik Murphy can bring in his 10 minutes of garbage time this season.

Cleveland Cavaliers - Anderson Varejao. Yes, Kyrie is great and everything about Andrew Bynum is worth paying attention to, but don't forget how great Varejao was last year before a blood clot ended his season. It's never just one thing with Varejao, but it's always something. I really hope he stays healthy, because he's a total hustle player, and if he's playing the Bulls, I'll want to reach through the screen and strangle him, but you just gotta respect what he brings to the court.

Dallas Mavericks - Dirk Nowitzki. If he's back to 100%, or even near there, he's amazing to watch. He does things that nobody else in the game can do, and we should not forget how great he is. Never forget: Initially traded for Robert "Tractor" Traylor.

Denver Nuggets - Everybody. Seriously, everyone. Checking out their roster from top to bottom, I can see the value in every player they have. They are kind of like an experienced college team where they'll play a lot of guys and can scrap with teams that have better talent. They will just keep throwing out lines, and they have an insane bench scorer who can turn into the best player on the court in Nate Robinson. JaVale McGee and Kenneth Faried as their starting front court has so much potential. They are likely going to regress, but they are also likely to bother every team they play as they keep sending out fresh guys.

Detroit Pistons - The Frontcourt. I kind of feel bad for Greg Monroe, because he is a very good NBA player, but he is completely uninteresting compared to Josh Smith and Andre Drummond. But how those three work together in an offense where they will basically just all be calling for the ball in the paint, with Josh Smith occasionally popping out for an ill-advised three just because he can. Also, they may never get the ball with Brandon Jennings running the point. They will have the biggest smiles on some nights and the biggest frowns on others. I expect this team to make Assistant Coach Rasheed Wallace proud with their number of ejections.

Golden State Warriors - Stephen Curry. He's really amazing when healthy. I don't think he'll ever be fully healthy for a full year, but who cares? When he's out there, it is nearly impossible to change the channel.

Houston Rockets - Dwight Howard. I know everybody hates Dwight Howard, and he does seem incredibly douchey, but back when I worked for the Sonics. I saw him put up 39 points, and I'm pretty sure that 24 of those points were scored on dunks. I just checked the box score and he somehow made 15-20 free throws in that game. To be fair, Robert Swift was injured during that game, but I will never forget how dominant he was in that game. Back surgeries are bad news, but he has actually had time to totally rest it, and if he's back to Orlando Magic Howard, the Rockets are going to be a contender.

Indiana Pacers - The Next Level. The Pacers have three guys who have a very realistic shot of making a huge leap forward in their game. The most obvious is Paul George who already showed that he's good enough to be a star, but if he can make a higher percentage of shots and get to the line some more, he might be a superstar. Roy Hibbert was dominant in the postseason, and if he does that all season, that could make things very interesting. There's also Lance Stephenson, who might be great, but could also turn into a guy who takes so many bad shots that he cancels out his defensive contributions. But if he developed a consistent three from the corner, he could cause some serious issues for other teams.

Los Angeles Clippers - The Wings. Yes, Chris Paul and Blake Griffin are great, but their wings are what could bring this team to the next level. They are all guys who are way better suited to be on a contender. Jamal Crawford is a heat check guy who can score a ridiculous amount of points if he's on. If he's off, you bench him, and it's no big deal because of the other guys around him. Matt Barnes is a nice contributor, Jared Dudley fills many of the same roles, as he plays tough defense and is high energy. And then there's JJ Redick, who was made to play for a contender as he provides above average defense and great shooting. Nothing else, but that's all they need. I also really like Reggie Bullock, but I do think it'll be tough for him to get many minutes.

Los Angeles Lakers - Steve Nash. I love Kobe too and am anxious to see him back, but I feel like everybody forgot how great Steve Nash is. The way that people talked about Nash, I would have thought he played 20 games and produced zero value. Yes, he's awful on defense, but he still has tremendous court vision and almost shot 50-40-90 last year. Also, Kobe. He's more like Jordan than any other player in history. And yes, LeBron's better, but he would cut his left arm off to win another championship, and you have to respect that.

Memphis Grizzlies - Grit n' Grind. This is not going to be pretty basketball, but if you fondly look back on the 90s, this is the most 90s style team you could ever possibly see.

Miami Heat - LeBron. I know I have picked some under-the-radar guys for other teams, but LeBron is amazing to watch. Remember, LeBron got better last year. He could still be improving. That is so scary. When he plays the Bulls tonight, I am going to be filled with hate, but I still can't wait.

Milwaukee Bucks - LARRY SANDERS! - Credit to Zach Lowe, because he deserves the CAPS treatment. Not only does he block shots like no other, but he also did this.

Minnesota Timberwolves - Ricky Rubio. Not only is he the happiest guy in the NBA, but he also makes others around him happier. He is encouraging Alexey Shved to play with a smile, because he plays better when he is happy. If I could adopt an NBA player, it would be Ricky Rubio. Am I the only one who imagines him as the Tom Haverford of the NBA. I can't be.

New Orleans Pelicans - Anthony Davis. If The Brow takes the leap (like everyone in the world seems to be predicting), New Orleans basketball will be really fun. I still worry about their defense, but with Holiday-Gordon-Evans-Anderson-Davis out there, they'll be incredibly fun to watch while they have the ball.

New York Knicks - Carmelo Anthony. He's got old man game. He's not an athleticism guy, but he knows all the tricks to get his shot off, and that will never leave him. Down the road, if he wanted to take a smaller role, he could probably keep being a valuable contributor for a team well into his 40s.

Oklahoma City Thunder - Kevin Durant. Nearly the same explanation as LeBron. Durant is still getting better, and that's scary. He's great. Enjoy him in his prime.

Orlando Magic - Youth. Trying to decide what young guy is the man to get most excited about is too tough, so I'm just happy to watch everybody. Yes, Oladipo and Vucevic are the best bets to stand out, but Tobias Harris, Mo Harkless, and Andrew Nicholson could also take steps forward this year. No, they probably won't be good, but it'll be fun to see who's the best of the bunch.

Philadelphia 76ers - Brandon Davies. Remember him? From BYU. He got dismissed for the honor code, which most likely means he had sex, possibly with the Mormons most valuable commodity, white women. But he's on the 76ers. There are 29 teams that he probably couldn't get playing time with, but he's on the one where he can. I know people keep saying that they won't break the record for most losses, but man, you look at this roster, and they definitely have a shot.

Phoenix Suns - Eric Bledsoe. This is easy, because he was exciting in limited minutes for the Clippers, but now the Suns may as well play him as much as possible and see what good comes from it. They may even trade Dragic to help with the tanking, which would give him even more freedom to do as he pleases. It's Bledsoe's team, and I can't wait to see how that turns out.

Portland Trail Blazers - Damian Lillard. He was Rookie of the Year last year, so he may be getting better still. Even if he is only as good as last year, that's still a fun player to build around. He's also got Aldridge in the middle and a lot of quality NBA players around them.

Sacramento Kings - DeMarcus Cousins. There's basketball in Sacramento, and maybe this is the year that Cousins figures it out. Yes, I could see myself saying that in six years too, but things might finally be coming together. If Cousins cared, just, like 80% of the time, he'd be an All-Star. If he cared all the time, he's an MVP candidate.

San Antonio Spurs - Teamwork. Yeah, it's cliche, but how do you separate an individual on this group that is made to be a team. Duncan is fantastic, Tony Parker is properly rated by hardcore NBA fans, but still underrated by the casual fan, maybe Ginobili can only play 15 minutes, but if he does it at Ginobili levels, that's still great, and then there's Kawhi who turned into a beast down the stretch. You put these parts together, watch them gel perfectly, and enjoy the fun.

Toronto Raptors - Jonas Valanciunas. He was super popular to be a sleeper last year, and he was fine, but what he showed in the summer and preseason lead me to believe that he might be taking a big step forward this year. Honorable mention to Rudy Gay who is seen as highly overrated by analytics, but he's still a really good basketball player, and that shouldn't be underestimated.

Utah Jazz - The Bigs. Enes Kanter and Derrick Favors. Who is going to be the dominant big? No idea. Are either of them going to be good? Probably, but we don't know. I'm anxious to find out.

Washington Wizards - Johnley Beall - John Wall and Bradley Beal are two players I love watching, and they work great together. They have been helping each other get better since the moment Beal was drafted, with Beal helping Wall on his shot, and Wall helping Beal with ball handling and defense. These are two guys who can be All-Stars with Beal as a dominant scorer, and Wall as the most athletic point guard in the league who can do things that nobody else can. Do not underestimate how good these guys can be.

The season opens up tonight, and there's plenty to be excited about.

Bulls Targets for the 2013 NBA Draft

Since I am a blind optimist, I am assuming the Bulls are one piece away from winning the 2014 NBA Championship. I also think the Cubs are on the upswing, and the Bears will be lethal after they get rid of Jay Cutler after the season. I really wish I cared about hockey, because then I could celebrate the Blackhawks title, but I'm not, so the last pro title I got to celebrate was the Bulls 1998 title. Ah, those were the days.

But back to this current Bulls roster. They're totally awesome as long as Derrick Rose eventually plays basketball again. There are rumors that the Bulls might try and trade Luol Deng for a top pick, which I wouldn't be mad at. They don't lose much in going from Deng to Jimmy Butler, and Butler is still getting better. I don't expect that to happen, but I wouldn't be surprised if Deng did get traded for some sort of asset this offseason.

The great thing about the Bulls is that despite their front office never being mentioned as doing a good job, they do a really good job. Picking up Butler and Marquis Teague in the last two drafts both appear to be quality selections. Yeah, it's a little early on Teague, but I think with more playing time, the game will slow down for him, and he has the skills to succeed. Also, they keep putting together a successful bench, which is probably part front office and part Thibodeau getting the most out of his players.

The number one hole the Bulls have is at shooting guard. I could see the Bulls going bigger and having Butler at the two, but they would still need a good wing backup so Deng and Butler only play 45 minutes a night instead of 48. The other big need is at center, because I don't think they plan on Nazr hanging on for one more year, since he barely crawled through this season, but we'll always have this moment:

So, here are my top five choices for the Bulls at 20.

1. Kentavious Caldwell-Pope - KCP was originally projected to be picked around 20. Then people started watching him, and now there is a good chance he goes in the Top 10. Still, we're basing this information off mock drafts. Maybe he falls later, and the Bulls can scoop him up. He's a two-guard who can shoot and is athletic enough to score off the dribble. All you need is athleticism and you can be a good defender for Thibodeau, so yeah, he's dreamy. This is the dream scenario.

2. Reggie Bullock - Bullock kind of got lost in the shuffle at UNC, but he's pretty legit. He's not going to be an impact player, but he's a guy who can play good defense and make corner 3's. That's really all the Bulls need for that position.

3. Gorgui Dieng - This is the ideal center choice. Injury concerns are scary, but if he does stay healthy, he can come in and be Omer Asik for the Bulls. He would be a top 15 pick if he didn't have the injury concerns, so if he fell to the Bulls, I could dig that.

4. Tim Hardaway Jr. - He can create off the dribble, which would be a valuable asset for the Bulls bench.

5. Kelly Olynyk - A high energy big man seems like just the thing that Thibodeau would love to add to the squad.

Honorable Mention - I don't know enough about Jamaal Franklin or Tony Mitchell, since I never watch small school basketball. They both seem like decent players.

But the important thing is that the Bulls are going to win the title next year. I'll see you all at the parade.

Why Tim Tebow Is Successful

Since I'm cynical, everyone assumes that I hate Tim Tebow. I don't. I actually like Tim Tebow. Although I think the abortion commercial during the Super Bowl was kind of douchey (because as everyone knows, puppies are way better than babies), it's his belief, and it's not like it was much worse than most of the other commercials aired during the Super Bowl (If someone made a video of the Finance Baby [no clue which finance place he works for] biting the curb, it would probably make my year).

So there are the people who hate Tebow, and the people that love Tebow. Some want to give him all the credit for the Broncos success, while others want to give him none of the credit. The answer, as anyone with half a brain could guess (obviously this is too much for ESPN employees), lies somewhere in between. The most simple explanation is that this is the perfect situation for Tebow to be successful at this moment in his career.

The first key to his success has been his defense. They have been excellent, and it has kept the Tebow-led offense in the games.

After that, give credit to Tebow for limiting turnovers. He has only thrown one interception this season, and the defense is successful, because they are not put in terrible spots. Tebow throws some ugly balls, but his balls are uncatchable for anyone instead of rocketing a pass into a defender's chest.

Also, and most importantly, the Tebow-led offense wears teams down. Defenses have to work harder than offenses. And running will wear a defense down more than passing the ball, because the offensive line is attacking as opposed to being the passive protectors. If you can manage to constantly run, the defense will not be in top form by the end of the game. Because the defense keeps games close, the offense really is peaking at the end of the game. It's not that Tebow has mystical game-winning powers, it's that the offense is fresher than the defense and they are taking advantage of that at the end of games. If there were five quarters in a game, I have no doubt that the Denver offense could dominate that as well.

Finally, credit where credit is due, Tim Tebow is a great leader. Let's face it, it is far easier to work hard for a leader who is busting his ass more than anybody else than it is for a guy who is doing just enough to get by. I've been in both situations, and I know that I am able to raise my game when I am following someone who is busting his ass as opposed to a lazy piece of shit. It works the same in the NFL. Tebow busts his ass, and his teammates are following his lead. This does matter.


Is this a sustainable strategy for success? Probably not. They haven't run into great teams, and when they played a good team like the Lions, they got their asses handed to them. But that doesn't mean Tebow will not be successful in the NFL. I think he should have a lot of success in the future. He is completing 45% of his passes in the NFL. This is atrociously bad, and also really surprising. Yes, there were questions about him being a quarterback in the NFL, but the questions were about his slow delivery and not having enough zip on his passes. His accuracy, although not great, was seen as fine for NFL standards. He never completed less than 64% of his passes and was above 70% his senior year. If I just give him a modest upgrade to 55%, it makes him a far more dangerous passer when it is combined with his running ability.

Will he win a Super Bowl? Hell, I don't know, and nobody does. If someone from the future told me that Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers would not win another Super Bowl, it wouldn't shock me. It's really tough to win a Super Bowl, only one team does it in any given year.

A more realistic question is whether Tim Tebow can be successful as an NFL quarterback. And with his skillset combined with his work ethic, I certainly wouldn't doubt it.

-Joe

P.S. Here is an interview with the most exciting player in the NBA, Derrick Rose. 66-0 is a very real possibility this year.

Thoughts From Week One Of College Football

Since the first week of college football mostly sucks, and I was excessively drunk from 7:00 PM on Friday night until about noon on Monday morning, I couldn't catch a lot of games. Luckily, I caught Wisconsin-UNLV on Thursday, and yesterday, I rewatched the first half of Iowa-Tennessee Tech, so I can tell you some things about those two Big Ten squads. Since most people don't care about Wisconsin, let's start with what I saw from the Hawkeyes.

Iowa vs. Tennessee Tech
Mika'il McCall – Just a very decisive runner, hit every hole hard with no hesitancy. Unfortunately, when waching this game sober, I was sick to my stomach on every carry, because I knew his ankle was about to be broken.

On the bright side of being sober, I didn't think Coker looked nearly as bad as I did when watching him drunk. He certainly didn't have a good game, but I thought he was dancing like Britney Spears in the backfield when I was watching him intoxicated.

McNutt is a beast, so we've got that going for us. He really attacked the ball with his hands instead of letting it come to him, and that's my favorite thing to see a receiver do.

The defensive line looked better than I expected. I didn't expect much, but I thought they did a good job of staying low and using leverage to collapse the pocket even if they weren't able to get much clean penetration.

I underestimated Vandenberg. He did exactly what a good quarterback should do to a bad team. Bravo, Moxon, bravo.

Wisconsin vs. UNLV
I thought it last year, and I still think James White is a better back than Montee Ball. Ball looks much this year than he did early on last year, but I still prefer White. Credit where credit is due, Ball's first touchdown run had some very impressive footwork.

I don't know how I feel about Borland being moved from outside linebacker to inside. The guy showed a good ability to blitz off the outside, so it'd be a shame if Wisconsin wasted that talent. He even played some defensive end last year on passing downs, and he can cause serious matchup problems for offensive tackles, not only with his speed, but also with his ability to get low making it hard for linemen to get their hands on him.

Russell Wilson just flings the football out there, which is very ugly, but damn, it sure was accurate.

As good as Wisconsin looked on offense, the defense left a lot to be desired. I saw very little push from their front four throughout the game, and every offensive line in the Big Ten (even Indiana's) will be better than UNLV's. Wisconsin will be a good team, but unless this defensive line greatly improves as the season goes on, I have trouble seeing them win the Leaders Division.

And that's all I got for this week. Next week will probably also be focused on Big Ten football, because of my blatant irresponsibility.

-Joe

P.S. Derrick Rose playing with hand puppets, because...why not?

LeBron's Struggles Are a Good Thing For LeBron Fans

LeBron choked again. Jordan will always be better. LeBron will never win the big one.

These are the common themes that have been harped on during and after the conclusion of the NBA Playoffs. Let's go through them one by one.

So maybe LeBron isn't clutch. Really, how many people are? Sometimes I'm clutch. Other times, I can give myself paralysis by analysis and not always do things to the best of my abilities. I'm guessing most people have some combination of clutch and unclutch moments. LeBron is the same way, as he showed clutch moments against the Bulls and unclutch moments against the Mavericks. Being clutch is something that is horribly overblown by the media, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist at all. Had LeBron been shot and killed after the Chicago series, he would have been looked at as someone who had finally figured out how to win, but was taken away from us at the height of his powers. Because of the Dallas series, he's back to square one. This is a good thing.

And finally, LeBron will never be seen as better than Jordan, because nobody will ever be seen as better than Jordan. LeBron could win multiple titles, lead the league in scoring seven times, lead the league in rebounding eleven times, and even lead the league in assists once to prove he isn't selfish. Hell, he could average 50 points a game for a season and he still wouldn't be seen as better than Jordan. You know how I know this? Because Wilt Chamberlain already did it. There is no possible way for a player to be recognized as better than Jordan. Jordan will forever be the best, so if you hear a debate starting about the topic, just leave, or change the channel, because all you're going to hear is two people wasting their breath. LeBron will never be better than Jordan, but that's a good thing.

LeBron's failures in the playoffs are what makes him keep going. He is by far the most talented player that has ever played this game. If he had five championships by now, what is the point of continuing? What drives a person who has shown they can dominate the league with sheer will? It happened to Jordan and he played baseball for two years. Jordan loved to win, but it came to a certain point where he knew the win was inevitable. At that point, what really is your motivation? It is a good thing LeBron still doesn't have a ring. Love him or hate him, he's pretty god-damned amazing to watch. I love Derrick Rose, but LeBron destroyed Rose in the playoffs. It hurts me to admit that, but there is no other way to interpret what happened. As a Bulls fan, I was pissed, but looking back as a basketball fan, holy shit, that LeBron James guy is something else. The scary thing is that he could get better. The scarier thing is that this loss gives him a reason to.

And that's a real good thing.

-Joe

P.S. But yeah, I still hate him and hope he never wins another basketball game for the rest of his career.

P.P.S. This has been thrown all over the Internet, but just in case you didn't know, Debbie LOVES cats.

Why I Still Believe In The Bulls - Part One

This was going to be a single post, but it started to get long. Since I realize that my readers have a maximum attention span of about five minutes of words, I decided to split this into two parts. For the first part, I want to simply provide a list of the Bulls best performers and a lineup to utilize what has actually been working so far in this series. Here is a list of who have been the best performers from bottom to top:

13. Rasual Butler - I have no allegiance to him, but he has minutes so he needs to be listed.

12. Brian Scalabrine - A sharp dressed man who is excellent with the high-five.

11. Kurt Thomas - Veteran leadership slightly more valuable than Scalabrine's suit/cheering combo.

10. Kyle Korver - I hate to do this, but if he can't hit shots, all he does is turn the ball over and play defense like this:

9. C.J. Watson - Finally put some offense together last night, but he couldn't track Mike Miller, which ended up being a big reason the game went into overtime.

8. Omer Asik - He could have been higher, but the injury has kind of cost him. I love Asik and believe it will be a beautiful name for a baby girl.

7. Taj Gibson - You may think this is way too low, because of his defensive versatility and solid offense complimented by spectacular dunks in game one. But he talked shit to Chris Bosh in Game Three and Bosh proceeded to light the Bulls up. When you get owned by Bosh, you are going to drop in my rankings.

6. Joakim Noah - He played really well last night in Game 4, but the pick and roll with him and Rose has been the most awful offensive play in this series, and I'm certainly not going to blame the MVP for that.

5. Keith Bogans - Yep, the guy who every Bulls fan has ripped all season long should probably be getting more minutes in this series. He has done what the Bulls need him to do. He plays good, not great defense (but if he gets beat, he's quick to realize it and foul before somebody gets an easy bucket) and can hit a decent amount of three pointers when he gets the open look. I have been screaming MVBOGANS every time he does something good, and I think it's 100% accurate. He is the most valuable Bogans. I googled Bogans to see if anybody could compete with him, and found this definition for Bogan on Wikipedia:

The term bogan depicts people of retarded appearance. A bogan is somebody who will scratch his arse all day and then sniff his fingers and get a stiffy. bogans usually bewed fat lasses (Ugly bitches that like munga).

I don't know what half that shit means, but I'm pretty sure that Bogan has the most hilarious page in Wikipedia history. With that being said, I fucking dare somebody to tell Keith that he looks retarded and bangs fat lasses. He will murder you, and hang your body on a flag pole in his front yard. There is no scarier person on the Bulls.

4. Carlos Boozer - He has played very well the last couple games, but he needs to be putting up at least 20 points, because nothing is expected of him on defense. He's guarding Joel Anthony. If Korver didn't get terrified every time the guy he was guarding had the ball, I'd believe in Korver shutting down Anthony all game long.

3. Ronnie Brewer - He's been the Bulls best defender this series. That's slightly unfair to our number two guy on the list, since he only plays half the minutes, but there is nobody I have more confidence in to shut down an opposing player in this series. And he hit a three last night. That was awesome.

2. Luol Deng - Has been tough on LeBron all series long and has provided solid offense for the Bulls. Bulls fans really can't expect much more than this from him.

1. Derrick Rose - He has been poor by Derrick Rose standards, but the Heat are completely focused on stopping him. Even if he hasn't been all that good, he's still the MVP.

A writer on ESPN (I believe it was John Hollinger, but I'm not positive) suggested that the Bulls should experiment with a small lineup against the Heat. He suggested playing Korver at the two, but I think Bogans makes more sense. The Bulls can match up Rose on whatever piece of shit player the Heat have out there, Bogans on Wade, Brewer on LeBron, Deng on Bosh (who rarely posts up), and Boozer on Anthony/Haslem. The defense would be good, and they could spread the floor more so Rose has more outlet options if the Heat collapse on him when he drives.

This is the lineup that can cool off the Heat. MVBogans 4 Life.

-Joe

P.S. This is probably the greatest jet ski race in the history of the combustible engine. After watching this, I really feel like Hollywood missed the boat by not giving Macho Man more acting roles.

Bulls vs. Heat: Who's Gonna Win?

The Eastern Conference Finals are set as it will be the top two seeds when the Chicago Bulls take on the Miami Heat. I have made no attempts to hide my love for the Bulls, but today's post will not be a Bulls lovefest, but instead, a look at both teams to figure out who will actually win this series.

I realize the Bulls have struggled with the Pacers and Hawks. Did they play like shit against the Pacers? Yes, for the first four games of that series they did. But the Pacers also played some of their best basketball during that series. Meanwhile, nobody wants to give the Hawks any respect, but they're REALLY talented. Horford, Smith, Johnson, Crawford, and even Jeff Teague is a lineup that can be terrifying. This team is the posterchild for middling team that has the potential to beat anybody on any given night. They dominated the Magic more often than not and took two from the Bulls. To say this team isn't extremely talented is ludicrous.

Now let's look at what the Heat have done. Can anybody explain to me when the Heat have looked good in these playoffs? Everybody is talking about how impressive they have looked, but what has been so impressive about these guys? Their supposed impressive play has led to them playing one fewer game than the Bulls who have apparently played like shit. And to call their competition definitively better is kind of ridiculous.

First off, the 76ers suck. They do a good job of playing as a team, but they just don't have that much talent. I don't think anybody is arguing about this.

Next, the Celtics haven't looked good for a while. It's not the Kendrick Perkins trade, it's the fact that they're worn down. They did fine without him early in the season, but this team just didn't have it by the end of the year. People will point to the fact that they swept the Knicks. Well, first off, the Knicks suck, and the Celtics were still taken down to the wire at home against them. Then Amare got hurt and they were able to stomp Melo and scrubs. This is not an impressive feat.

During the final week of the season, the Celtics got blown out by the Bulls and the Heat. I have never seen someone raped on a basketball court before Derrick Rose did it to Rajon Rondo in that game. Rondo would never go to the police about it; he was far too ashamed. He was so petrified of Rose that he dislocated his elbow to prevent Rose from doing it again.

If Rondo is healthy, they probably win Game 4, and then we are very likely looing at a seven-game series. The Heat took care of business, but they have had a fortuitous schedule so far.

This series is going to be close. If you say the Bulls are going to blow away the Heat, or the Heat are going to blow away the Bulls, you're a moron. Even if one of these teams ends up sweeping the other team, you'd still be a moron. Claiming that one team has a superior advantage over the other is asinine, because that great advantage simply doesn't exist.

Do the Heat have more talent than the Bulls? Yes, without a doubt, the Heat have more talent. Just having LeBron makes that a near certainty when matching up talent against anybody. LeBron has more talent than Jordan in his prime. Now don't get me wrong, Jordan was light years better than LeBron will probably ever be, but there's no shame for LeBron in not being the best.

And that's what this comes down to, the Heat are more talented, but can the Bulls be better? They're a better coached team, and it's really a bad matchup for the Heat. Deng is criminally underrated on defense, so LeBron is going to have to work for every basket he gets. Bogans and Brewer can harass Wade all game long. When they want to swtich to Korver, Rose can keep up with Wade for short stretches, while Korver guards whatever shit they are putting out there at point guard. Noah will be in Bosh's face all game long. And Boozer started turning a corner during Game 4 of the Hawks series so he should decimate whatever piece of shit they put out there. Oh yeah, and who's gonna guard Rose?

On the other hand, LeBron and Wade can produce no matter who is defending them. Chris Bosh could be harassed by the Bulls big men for every second that he is out there and still put up a double-double for the Heat. One or more of their outside shooters could get hot and nail their open looks. If that happens, the Heat are practically unbeatable.

So who's gonna win? I have no clue, and anybody who says they do is a jackass. I do know one thing though. Cheering for the Heat during these playoffs is like cheering for the Nazis during the Holocaust. Maybe you'll be on the winning side, but I hope to God you don't feel good about it.

Go Bulls.

-Joe

P.S. My birthday is just a few months away, so if anybody is looking for gift ideas, this yacht would be a nice start.

The Ultimate Guys' Week

My brother and I have been looking forward to this week for months. At first, we just thought a few awesome things would happen during this week, but then we realized that more and more awesome activities kept popping up. That is why April  25-May 2 is The Ultimate Guys' Week. Now clearly every week is Guys' Week, so what makes this The Ultimate Guys' Week? Oh, let me show you the ways. Here is your agenda for this extravaganza.

NBA Playoffs - All Week
Have you seen Derrick Rose? No, seriously, have you seen Derrick Rose? Holy shit, watching him play basketball gets me so excited that I'd probably bang an HB7 (only people familiar with the seduction community will understand that reference). Also, there's some other teams hoping for second place.

NHL Playoffs - All Week
Since I'm not Canadian, I really don't care about the NHL but I figured I should at least put it on the list. Plus, I'm only going to cover one event taking place in Canada this week, and that's not until Saturday. If Roenick's still playing, I'll root for whatever team he is on.

WWE Tough Enough - Monday

Stone Cold is undeniably awesome, and he shines on this show. Plus it's got Hugh Morrus (get it?) who is awesome, and Booker T who definitely has some West Coast Dance moves. To top it off, they've got eye candy with Trish Stratus. That last part puts it over the edge and makes it the only reality show that is essential viewing for Guys' Week (My apologies to The Ultimate Fighter).

Monday Night RAW - Monday
Because pro wrestling is ultra-manly, so it's a great way to start off the week. And it's going to be an extra awesome show as it's the WWE Draft. Smackdown guys could go to RAW, RAW guys could go to Smackdown, and Superstars like Zack Ryder (more on him later) may finally get on television.

The A-Team - Tuesday
Since nothing outside of the playoffs is happening on Tuesday night, it'd be a great time to add to your testosterone by buying The A-Team on DVD or Blue-Ray and watching it. Tuesday would also be a good time to have some flapjacks, the official meal of the lumberjack (an ultra manly occupation). Actually, scratch that, every day of this week would be a good time to have some flapjacks.

South Park - Wednesday
Season premiere of the greatest cartoon ever made. Plus, chicks hate cartoons, making them extra manly.

Z! True Long Island Story - Thursday

If you're not watching the hottest new show on YouTube, then you're really missing out. I don't care if you're an Edge Head or a part of Cenation, after watching one episode of this show, Zack Ryder will become your favorite wrestler, and you'll be hoping for the day that you can become Broski of the Week. Woo Woo Woo...You Know It!

Parks And Recreation - Thursday

Because Ron Swanson is the Charles Bronson of sitcoms.

NFL Draft - Thursday-Saturday
Real men love the NFL Draft, because no matter how bad your team is, this is the event that gives all people hope (except when your favorite team trades away a bunch of picks to pick up a shitty quarterback like Jay Cutler). I recommend watching on NFL Network, because ESPN's Draft "Experts" are about as useful as women when it comes to their knowledge of football. And, as guys, we all know women don't know anything about awesome things like football. Man, women sure are worthless (although you and I are not in the same place, I totally have my hand up for a virtual high-five).

Fast Five - Friday
A lot of people see previews for this movie and dismissively think it will just be another stupid Vin Diesel movie. I look at these previews and realize that it will just be another AWESOME Vin Diesel movie. These guys live their lives a quarter mile at a time. They have avoided the police for 10 years despite driving nothing but gaudy looking cars. In the last movie, Paul Walker was helping Diesel with his car, but left and told him that he'd be right back. He then proceeded to bang Diesel's sister. That's the boldest move of anyone in movie history. But something tells me that these guys' luck may run out. What is that something? THE ROCK. The Rock vs. Vin Diesel is the greatest matchup of badasses in movie history. I fully expect my testicles to suffer from elephantitis by the time this movie is over.

Friday Night Smackdown - Friday
The first show after the draft, and the last show before the PPV. Plus it ends by 9:00 CST giving you plenty of time to drift afterwards if you're still jacked up after Fast Five.

UFC 129 - Saturday
Even if you don't like hockey, there is reason to give attention to the Canadians during The Ultimate Guys' Week. Up in Canada, there is a fantastic card featuring two title fights involving Canadians. Mark Hominick goes against Jose Aldo for the featherweight title, and Georges St. Pierre defends his title against Jake Shields. If that's not enough, the card also features Randy Couture taking on evil karate expert Lyoto Machida (Basically, if you practice karate and you're not the Karate Kid, it means that you use your karate for evil). Even if you don't follow MMA, all you need to know is that its violence, and violence is fucking awesome (so is cussing).

WWE Extreme Rules - Sunday
It's like MMA, only with weapons (while substituting reality), so it never fails to entertain.

WWE Tough Enough/Monday Night Raw - Monday
What's that you say? There's only seven days in a week. This is The Ultimate Guys' Week, so you're lucky that I'm ending it after ONLY eight days. And yes, we need eight days for all this testosterone boosting action. We end where we started with Monday Night Raw rocking our jock off. And yes, I wear a jockstrap while watching wrestling, as well as a number of other activities. It's what badasses do. Speaking of badasses, this marks the return of The Rock, as he will be celebrating his birthday.

The Ultimate Guys' Week could be the greatest eight days of your life. Even though this week is for the fellas, don't worry ladies, you can still be used to satisfy our carnal urges...and for cooking.

-Joe

P.S. You know what's manly? Michael Jordan raping the Celtics defense, take it away, MJ:

Scouting The NFL Draft - SEC/PAC-10 Defensive Linemen

Okay, it is time to move onto the SEC and PAC-10. I will admit that my first scouting report kind of sucks, but at least I am honest instead of just making up bullshit to make myself look smart. Also, today was a fun one to write as I am in love (in a total heterosexual dude-on-prospect sort of way) with the last guy I talk about.

Marcell Dareus - Nobody but talent evaluators seem to care about Dareus, as I couldn't find any good game footage from him. I watched Alabama a few times this season, and I can say that he didn't really pop out at me, but I also wasn't looking for him. He's had a lot of good reports on him, so best of luck to a probable Top-5 pick who I know very little about.

Nick Fairley - Would I draft Nick Fairley? No. Could I see myself regretting that down the road? Yes. He looked very impressive at times in the way he was able to immediately penetrate into the backfield. I think he has very impressive acceleration at the snap, but a lot of his big plays seemed to result at least in part to poor blocking. Defensive tackles don't get an unimpeded path to the quarterback in the NFL. He doesn't have good awareness or vision, but he's got great strength and speed to make up for it. He could be valuable in getting penetration inside, but I can just about guarantee that he'll be a liability against the run as he rushes upfield while the running back shoots through the hole that he vacates. On top of all of this, he has had some dumb penalties against him, and his temper could be used against him.  He's a top-five talent, but he's not a guy I would want to take a chance on.

Cameron Jordan - Jordan is really an ideal 3-4 end. When going up against Colorado, he showed that he's strong at the point of attack and does an excellent job of using his hands.  He gets an excellent bust off the line and has a great motor. He's also got really good instincts when diagnosing plays. I really don't have much bad to say about him other than he tends to go a little high when tackling which could make him look silly on occasion in the NFL. Also, when in that 3-4, he wasn't facing the best offensive linemen that Colorado had to offer as he was usually on the left side of the defense, but all the physical attributes are there and I loved how active his hands were. I see him as a Top-10 talent as a 3-4 end, and I'd probably go Top-15 if teams wanted to transition him to a 4-3 end.

Stephen Paea - Let me start off by saying that I do not care that he benched 225 pounds 49 times. That is very impressive, but it means nothing to me when evaluating him as a football player. With that being said, he does show power when he is on the football field, and that is important to me. When he stays low, he gets great penetration, but he has a tendency to get high and when he does this, he can be pushed back off the line of scrimmage. In the USC game, he showed a nonstop motor that was best exemplified when blocking Matt Barkley 40 yards downfield after an interception to help get his defensive back a touchdown. That's the type of play that really gets me excited about a player. And he shows it on every play as he never gets discouraged if he struggles against a block on first contact, always looks to join in on gang tackles, and just plays to the whistle. This is a guy I would be ecstatic about at the end of the first round (I really hope the Bears are reading this).

-Joe

P.S. Do you want to experience the most amazing nine minutes of your life? Then watch this Derrick Rose highlight video from the first game of the playoffs:

P.P.S. As awesome as Rose was, I have to admit that Deng doing this was probably my favorite moment of the game.

I'm pretty sure everybody but Korver would fight to protect Rose (I don't blame Kyle for this, he's a pretty man, and I'm guessing he wouldn't be much help anyway).

P.P.P.S. The refs have been terrible so far in the playoffs. They had a terrible offensive foul call on Melo that significantly hurt the Knicks, they missed a bad offensive goaltending call in the Nuggets game, and you could make a strong case that the Heat benefited greatly from the lack of foul calls against them. 

Jenkem: A Shitty High

I am absolutely fascinated at the lengths that people will go to just to get messed up. I really thought that i-Dosing would be the weirdest thing way that people were getting high, but Jenkem takes a shit on that idea. During a fantasy baseball e-mail exchange, a friend notified me of this new huffing phenomenon that was able to get people high. They have moved past huffing glue, paint, or Pam, and have moved onto something much more vile.

Jenkem, or as the kids are calling it, butt hash, is the act of mixing urine and fecal matter into a bottle. You then put a balloon over the top of the bottle and wait. When the gas fills up the balloon, you carefully remove it from the bottle and huff the gas giving you a pooptastic high that is similar to cocaine with hallucinations. Jenkem sounds like the shit.

Fox News, always reliable, reported this story:

I know what you're thinking: Who would huff their own poop? As much as I wish I could tell you differently, the answer is apparently very few people. A New Zealand news report proves it as a myth, although some idiot teenagers did try it after seeing the news report, because teenagers are dumb and easily influenced.

Although the fact that this is a myth is very disappointing, you can still show your friends the Fox News report and try to trick them into trying it. They probably won't get high, but I'm assuming you'll see some hilarious projective vomit.

-Joe

P.S. Although Jenkem is a myth, Derrick Rose's greatness is not. Here is an excellent story about Derrick Rose growing up.

Derrick Rose Is Definitely The Most Exciting Player In The NBA

About six weeks ago, I wrote an article explaining why Derrick Rose was a more exciting player than Blake Griffin. I am happy to say that Derrick Rose left no doubt in anyone's mind after what he did to the Boston Celtics last night to just about lock up the number one seed for the Bulls.

There isn't a whole lot I need to say about the matter, so let's just show a couple of his "Holy Shit" moments from last night's game.

Yep, just a casual crossover move that makes Rondo look like an idiot, and then going up between two big men and putting in a scoop layup. Just ho-hum stuff from the MVP (I don't care about your silly statistics) of the league.  Just look how happy it made Tom Thibodeau.

And then he did this.

Yep, he really did that. This was Joakim Noah's reaction to the play.

And on top of all of this, he decimated Rajon Rondo. Anybody can look at the stat sheet and see that, but to actually watch the game brings it to another level of domination. Rajon Rondo was not bested in basketball last night by a better player, he was annihilated as a person by a superior human being. The look on his face made it look as if his sister, mother, and grandma had just propositioned Derrick Rose for a foursome (Rose would obviously turn them down since they look like aliens). The massacre that Rose did to Rondo made Mortal Kombat look like The Teletubbies.

With all of this, it's scary to think that the Bulls really didn't play up to their full potential. Rose, the shooting guard trifecta, and Deng played great games, but Boozer was awful in the first half before bouncing back in the second half, and Noah was a non-factor for the most part (to be fair, it's clear that his ankle could use a little more time to rest).

So yeah, for Bulls fans, these playoffs are going to be fun.

-Joe

P.S. Don't ask me how I found this, and don't ask me what I think. I honestly can't tell if this show is genius or absolute garbage. Hence, it gets posted on the blog.

A Comprehensive Breakdown Of The Katie Vick Saga

Professional wrestling has done many regrettable things in its past. Last night's WrestleMania XXVII was just one of those examples, but I'd like to go further back in time to examine a storyline that most people found offensive, and that my friends and I found hilarious.  That's right, it's time to thoroughly examine the Katie Vick saga.

This wrestling saga primarily involves the aforementioned Katie Vick, Kane, and Triple H. This whole thing started, because Kane was happy.  That's it. It wasn't because Kane did some awful thing to Triple H. It was just that he was happy. Triple H felt that Kane's happiness left him no choice but to do this on Monday Night Raw.

Yes, Triple H decided to attack his tag team partner, The Hurricane, and then reveal to the world that Kane was a murderer as he killed Katie Vick, all because Kane was happy. This would basically be like me finding out somebody got a promotion and stabbing his wife. There's no good reason for it, but Triple H plays by his own rules. I respect that. The following week on RAW, Kane explained his side of the story:

My second favorite part of the story is that Kane and Katie Vick went to a party. Imagine Kane walking into your party. How did people react? What did they say? Do you think they made Katie pay for a cup or just gave one to her for free? I really wish they'd revisit this, so these questions could be answered. My favorite part of the story is obviously that Kane crashed because he was unfamiliar with how to drive a stick shift. But anyway, Kane, a man who is known as a monster, swerved in order to avoid hitting an animal. They crashed; he broke his arm, but she was killed instantly. That video ends with Triple H saying that Kane was also drinking that night, but as ridiculous as Kane's explanation is, it gets a whole lot worse in this next video (just watch the first 3:10):

Yes, this is when the brilliance truly reaches another level. Triple H lets the world know that Kane loved Katie Vick. That wouldn't be all that bad, but the autopsy found Kane's semen inside of her. This leads to one of the greatest lines in wrestling history when Triple H asks, "Did you force Katie Vick to have sex with you while she was alive...or did you just wait and do it to her when she was dead?"

As unbelievable as all that is, it gets more unbelievable when Triple H puts on a reenactment of Kane's love affair with Katie Vick. I don't know how to prepare the world for what they are about to see, so all I can say is to proceed with caution:

Yes, Triple H reenacts the sex scene between Kane and Katie Vick. Brilliant does not begin to describe how awesome this video is. Triple H was so dedicated to his role as Kane that he stripped down to his jockstrap to perform sex on a mannequin who played the role of Katie Vick. It ends in epic fashion with Kane screwing Katie Vick's brains out...literally.

But even this was not enough for Triple H, so he made the next logical move and decided to interview Katie Vick:

And this was AFTER Triple H retained his title at No Mercy. He literally had no reason to destroy Kane, except to ruin a happiness that Kane had long since forgotten. Still, it's a compelling interview where Triple H uses many puns with dead involved, and accuses Kane of having a burnt weiner.

But sadly, this is where our story ends.  If you're anything like me, you long for the return of one of the most offensive wrestling angles ever, so bring your Katie Vick signs to WWE events to let them know that you want her back. I mean, if The Undertaker can be buried alive every other year, I'm pretty sure they can bring Katie Vick back from the dead once.

-Joe

P.S. Jose Canseco wants to become a baseball manager, have his twin brother, Ozzie, become the hitting coach...oh yeah, and he wants them to become the #3 and #4 hitters in the lineup.  To top it off, he believes this can all happen with the power of prayer.  Sorry Japan, God's got bigger things to work on.

P.P.S. You have probably seen this play by Derrick Rose, but that still doesn't make it any less amazing.

A Post That Will Only Interest My League: 2011 Fantasy Team Rankings - Part 1

Just to prove that the fame (minimal) and fortune (non-existant) has not gone to my head since my breaking the news of what really happened in Jose Canseco's Boxing Controversy (linked on both Yahoo and Deadspin), I have bent to my league's demands (and since I have nothing better to write about) to provide my league's preseason fantasy baseball rankings.

12. John
Summary: This team is so boring, you may fall asleep while reading through the roster.

11	Joey Votto, Cin 1B
14	Kevin Youkilis, Bos 1B
35	Jayson Werth, Was OF
38	Zack Greinke*, Mil SP
59	Hunter Pence, Hou OF
62	Corey Hart, Mil OF
83	Stephen Drew, Ari SS
86	Max Scherzer, Det SP
107	Mark Reynolds, Bal 3B
110	Neil Walker, Pit 2B
131	Ricky Nolasco, Fla SP
134	Miguel Montero, Ari C
155	Drew Storen, Was RP
158	Andres Torres, SF OF
179	Jonny Venters, Atl RP
182	Logan Morrison, Fla OF
203	Dexter Fowler, Col OF
206	Ricky Romero, Tor SP
227	Brandon Lyon, Hou RP
230	David Murphy, Tex OF
251	J.J. Hardy, Bal SS

The Good: For some reason, I really like his Baltimore Orioles picks.  Even though he is going over to the tougher league in a less ideal ballpark, Mark Reynolds crushes the ball.  If he can get his batting average up to .250, he's a huge asset at third base which is not a position with a lot of depth.  I also like Hardy to have a good year as he had to deal with a wrist injury last year, so I think he can show some of the power that he displayed during his Milwaukee days. Also, Ricky Nolasco's fantasy stats have to match his advanced stats eventually, right?

The Bad: There seemed to be a ton of draft picks that lacked upside.  Werth, Pence, Hart, and Walker all seem like pretty boring picks. I'm also not real high on Logan Morrison being a great fantasy option in his first full year.  Same goes for David Murphy, because, well, he's David Murphy.  If everything goes right, it's a middle of the pack team, but unless this team gets immaculate luck, this is not a championship caliber team.

11. Chad
Summary: At least he won't be short on steals. Unfortunately, every other category could be a problem.

1	Albert Pujols, StL 1B
24	Cliff Lee, Phi SP
25	Ryan Zimmerman, Was 3B
48	Jason Heyward, Atl OF
49	Tommy Hanson, Atl SP
72	Heath Bell, SD RP
73	Roy Oswalt, Phi SP
96	Aaron Hill, Tor 2B
97	Michael Bourn, Hou OF
120	Brett Gardner, NYY OF
121	Rafael Furcal, LAD SS
144	Francisco Cordero, Cin RP
145	Brandon Morrow, Tor SP
168	Adam LaRoche, Was 1B
169	Anibal Sanchez, Fla SP
192	Carlos Lee, Hou OF
193	Ian Kennedy, Ari SP
216	Edwin Jackson, CWS SP
217	Raul Ibanez, Phi OF
240	Kurt Suzuki, Oak C
241	Frank Francisco, Tor RP

The Good: He got Albert Pujols, I hear he's good. He also got Zimmerman when a pick finally came back around to him.  I could also see Aaron Hill having a bounceback year this season.  Getting Francisco in the last round is a really nice pick since Toronto has said that he has the closer's job when he comes off the disabled list.  And for some reason, even though it makes no sense as I'm typing it, I kind of like Carlos Lee to be good again this year. Somebody on the Astros has to be good, right?

The Bad: He drafted Michael Bourn and Brett Gardner back to back, so he must really like steals. When you take Adam LaRoche, you've clearly stopped caring. He's also depending on Rafael Furcal staying healthy at shortstop and can't be expecting much at catcher with Kurt Suzuki behind the plate.  This is another team that just fails to excite me.

10. DW
Summary: Things didn't start well, and they didn't end well either, but there was a solid middle.

3	Roy Halladay, Phi SP
22	Nelson Cruz, Tex OF
27	Ryan Howard, Phi 1B
46	Jose Reyes, NYM SS
51	Brian McCann, Atl C
70	Yovani Gallardo, Mil SP
75	Brian Wilson, SF RP
94	Howard Kendrick, LAA 2B
99	Casey McGehee, Mil 3B
118	Clay Buchholz, Bos SP
123	Adam Jones, Bal OF
142	Madison Bumgarner, SF SP
147	Jose Valverde, Det RP
166	Vernon Wells, LAA OF
171	C.J. Wilson, Tex SP
190	Brian Roberts, Bal 2B
195	Jake Westbrook, StL SP
214	Kyle Drabek, Tor SP
219	Justin Smoak, Sea 1B
238	Denard Span, Min OF
243	Jair Jurrjens, Atl SP

Good: Jose Reyes and Brian McCann back to back are really good picks for the fourth and fifth rounds.  Yes, Reyes is an extreme risk, but he is in a contract year and he might just explode this year.  If he's healthy, it's great, but it could still bite him in the ass.  Shortstop is a very shallow position, so having somebody with this much upside is great to have. McCann is nearly the opposite.  He is low risk.  Worst case is that he's an above average catcher, but he has the potential to be the top catcher in the league. I also like B-Rob as a good late value who can really pay off if he's healthy or you can drop him when he has yet another horrible injury. 

Bad: Roy Halladay at number three is bad.  He could be the best pitcher in the league and still be a regrettable pick at number three.  Casey McGehee doesn't excite me in any way. Brian Wilson seems like a guy who is due to regress this year, and he's already hurt which isn't a good sign to start the year. Also, the Justin Smoak pick is simply a waste of a pick.

9. Cory
Summary: Cory's an old soul, so he drafted a bunch of grizzled vets for his fantasy team.

2	Hanley Ramirez, Fla SS
23	Prince Fielder, Mil 1B
26	Jose Bautista, Tor 3B
47	Victor Martinez, Det C
50	Chris Carpenter, StL SP
71	Jered Weaver, LAA SP
74	Paul Konerko, CWS 1B
95	Curtis Granderson, NYY OF
98	Torii Hunter, LAA OF
119	Kelly Johnson, Ari 2B
122	Ted Lilly, LAD SP
143	Aubrey Huff, SF 1B
146	Daniel Hudson, Ari SP
167	Adam Lind, Tor DH
170	Bobby Abreu, LAA OF
191	Brad Lidge, Phi RP
194	Trevor Cahill, Oak SP
215	Fernando Rodney, LAA RP
218	James McDonald, Pit SP
239	Brandon McCarthy, Oak SP
242	Jorge De La Rosa, Col SP

The Good: I really like his first two picks. Hanley's one of the few five category studs, and Prince Fielder has a lot of hitting talent around him, so there's no reason he can't produce big numbers this season. Another pick I really liked was Curtis Granderson as he actually started hitting lefties last year, so if he can mash righties like he has in the past, he could put up a monster season. On the pitching side, I think James McDonald is the kind of guy you want to take a chance on late in the draft as he put up really good numbers at the end of last year, but it is still a small sample size. Maybe it works great, or maybe he's an early drop, but it's good to have the chance to find out.

The Bad: Joey Bats at 26 is not the type of chance I would want to take off of one season's work. I don't see him falling off the face of the Earth, but I also see him more at 30 home runs than the 50 he hit last year. I also don't really like the Aubrey Huff pick, because Aubrey Huff has killed me in fantasy in the past, and when I finally gave up on him, he started hitting again. This might just be me being bitter, but I have some serious issues with Huff, and I really don't think he'll put up the numbers he had last year. I'm also not high on Brad Lidge as I'm pretty sure he's thrown his arm off and it may never come back.

8. JVD
Summary: We all hate JVD. I'm glad his team will suck.

7	Troy Tulowitzki, Col SS
18	Josh Hamilton, Tex OF
31	Mike Stanton, Fla OF
42	Ichiro Suzuki, Sea OF
55	Josh Johnson, Fla SP
66	Mat Latos, SD SP
79	Kendry Morales, LAA 1B
90	Ben Zobrist, TB 2B
103	Geovany Soto, ChC C
114	Pablo Sandoval, SF 3B
127	Brett Anderson, Oak SP
138	Chris Perez, Cle RP
151	Jordan Zimmermann, Was SP
162	Tyler Colvin, ChC OF
175	Andrew Bailey, Oak RP
186	Aroldis Chapman, Cin RP
199	Ryan Raburn, Det OF
210	Michael Pineda, Sea SP
223	Derek Holland, Tex SP
234	Brandon League, Sea RP
247	Derek Lowe, Atl SP

The Good: I'm not gonna lie, I love Troy Tulowitzki.  I wish I could somehow disparage everything in this draft, because this JVD character is the punching bag of the entire league. But while we're on the good, I also really like Josh Johnson as I thought he was underrated going into this season.  Later in the draft, he made some nice picks with Geovany Soto, Pablo Sandoval, and Brett Anderson.

The Bad: Outside of their team owner being a douche, this draft completely fell apart down the stretch. Tyler Colvin?  Regression year. Aroldis Chapman? Setup man, whoopty doo. Ryan Raburn? Who? Michael Pineda? Growing pains. A lot of people will also have problems with Mike Stanton in the third round, but if you really want a guy and you don't think he'll be around later, then you go for it, and it's not like Stanton isn't loaded with potential. Also, the Latos, Morales, Zobrist streak were all questionable decisions. I'm betting against all three.  And finally, did I mention their owner is a douche?

7. Mike D
Summary: Taking a glance at this team, you'd be surprised they're ranked this low. If you knew Mike D, you wouldn't be.

6	Carlos Gonzalez, Col OF
19	Tim Lincecum, SF SP
30	Jon Lester, Bos SP
43	Buster Posey, SF C
54	Dan Haren, LAA SP
67	Jacoby Ellsbury, Bos OF
78	Francisco Liriano, Min SP
91	Carlos Marmol, ChC RP
102	Gordon Beckham, CWS 2B
115	Carlos Pena, ChC 1B
126	Carlos Quentin, CWS OF
139	Ian Desmond, Was SS
150	Ian Stewart, Col 3B
163	Edwin Encarnacion, Tor 3B
174	Manny Ramirez, TB OF
187	Ryan Dempster, ChC SP
198	Chone Figgins, Sea 2B
211	Angel Pagan, NYM OF
222	Derrek Lee, Bal 1B
235	Grady Sizemore, Cle OF
246	David Aardsma, Sea RP

The Good: I really like some of the mid-round values that he found.  Two that stand out are Gordon Beckham and Carlos Pena.  Beckham was a huge disappointment last year, but he actually started hitting well towards the end of the season.  Pena is moving to the weaker league and a hitter's ballpark, so 40 home runs is definitely a possibility.  I also like Chone Figgins and Manny Ramirez late as they are two guys who could also have bounceback years in 2011.

The Bad: Although his pitching is strong, I think Lincecum went too high. He had ups and downs last year and pitched a ton of innings last year. I can see him showing the wear of last year during this season. I'm not a big Jacoby Ellsbury fan, because he's going to have to battle for playing time. It doesn't seem like the Red Sox are exactly in love with the guy, so I could see them pulling the plug on him very early.  And on top of that, he's injury prone. Ian Desmond seemed like a desperation pick to just get some sort of a shortstop out there, and at that point I probably would have waited towards the end to just see what was left out there.  

Tomorrow, we go over the contenders now that we're done with these pretenders.

-Joe

P.S. Sad about the Bulls losing to the Sixers? This may be a few days old, but it will cheer you up.