Reviewing My Fantasy Football Draft - Part 3

My latest fantasy football draft happened Monday night. For the uninformed, it is part of a three sport keeper league with baseball and basketball, and you can trade between sports. I am an impatient person, so I am always wheeling and dealing, and that helped lead me to a hilarious end of this draft. Not many people get multiple picks in the last round of the draft, I had four of them, but we'll wait to get to that excitement and also to get to a review to see who my greatest challenger will be.

Round 11
121 Deez Nuts RB Charles Sims TB
122 Larry Donnell Trump 4 President TE Larry Donnell NYG
123 You Just Have To BELLieve! WR Brian Quick StL
124 Graham Cracker WR Breshad Perriman Bal
125 Too Many (Brandin) Cooks QB Ryan Tannehill Mia
126 Al Pacino From Scent of a Woman WR Roddy White Atl
127 Hot Joel WR Torrey Smith SF
128 Run And Hyde RB Andre Williams NYG
129 Steele Jantz’s Jock Strap K Stephen Gostkowski NE
130 Ready, Willing And Tom Cable WR Brandon Coleman NO
131 Geriatric All Stars WR Anquan Boldin SF
132 Ready, Willing And Tom Cable QB Teddy Bridgewater Min

Keepers: Ryan Tannehill

Best Pick: Teddy Bridgewater
I’m a total fanboy for Teddy, so I could debate whether he or Torrey Smith was the best pick, but the tiebreaker always goes to Teddy. He’s going to be good, really good. I get very angry thinking about how well the Vikings have drafted the last couple years, and Bridgewater is the most important person that they have drafted. He has some more weapons around (including a real life running back), so I think he takes a major step forward this year. I still doubt he is worthy of starting most weeks, but I think he’s a very viable keeper option going into next season.

Worst Pick: Stephen Gostkowski
Dude didn’t even have a defense yet. I usually wait until the last second for both, but if you’re going to reach for one, I’d at least make it a defense.

My Pick: Nobody
I traded this pick in a very confusing situation where I wanted someone to stash Paul George on their roster for me so I could use him as a keeper for the upcoming season. I probably should have tried to pay less for the cost of using an IR spot for most of the year, but if you make a lot of trades, they can’t all be winners.

Round 12
133 Ready, Willing And Tom Cable TE Zach Ertz Phi
134 Geriatric All Stars RB Matt Jones Wsh
135 Wegher Bombs WR Jordy Nelson GB
136 Steele Jantz’s Jock Strap TE Tyler Eifert Cin
137 Run And Hyde RB Roy Helu Oak
138 Hot Joel D/ST Bills D/ST Buf
139 Al Pacino From Scent of a Woman TE Julius Thomas Jac
140 Too Many (Brandin) Cooks D/ST Rams D/ST StL
141 Graham Cracker TE Antonio Gates SD
142 You Just Have To BELLieve! QB Carson Palmer Ari
143 Larry Donnell Trump 4 President D/ST Texans D/ST Hou
144 Deez Nuts D/ST Dolphins D/ST Mia

Best Pick: Tyler Eifert
I loved Tyler Eifert last year, and if his arm hadn’t snapped like a twig, it would have been a good pick. Of course he starts getting a bunch of hype before the draft this year and somebody decided to take him, which really screwed over my strategy of not taking a tight end until the final round strategy. But we’ll get into that later.

Worst Pick: Antonio Gates
Since suspended players can’t be put away on the IR, he’s just wasting a roster spot for the first few weeks. After that, he was very inconsistent, so do you really want him as a starting tight end in your lineup? Oh yeah, and he’s also one year older, and that athleticism has diminished to the point of mere existence at this point.

My Pick: Jordy Nelson
I’m just going to go out on a limb and say that Jordy Nelson for a tenth rounder next year will probably be a pretty good deal, so I’ve already got one of my keeper spots occupied. This pick made me very happy as people got upset in the draft room, and I even got a text the next morning where someone admitted that they had trouble sleeping because they were so pissed about this pick. That alone made this draft a tremendous success.

Round 13
145 Deez Nuts RB Cameron Artis-Payne Car
146 Larry Donnell Trump 4 President WR Jaelen Strong Hou
147 Geriatric All Stars D/ST Jets D/ST NYJ
148 Graham Cracker WR Michael Crabtree Oak
149 Too Many (Brandin) Cooks TE Richard Rodgers GB
150 Al Pacino From Scent of a Woman D/ST Ravens D/ST Bal
151 Hot Joel RB David Cobb Ten
152 Run And Hyde K Adam Vinatieri Ind
153 Steele Jantz’s Jock Strap WR Ty Montgomery GB
154 You Just Have To BELLieve! K Justin Tucker Bal
155 Geriatric All Stars WR Dorial Green-Beckham Ten
156 Ready, Willing And Tom Cable D/ST Cardinals D/ST Ari

Best Pick: David Cobb
David Cobb was probably my number one sleeper for this season. Had he not gotten hurt, I was going to pick him in round 8. He was awesome for Minnesota last year, and I have no doubt that he could have beaten out Bishop Sankey for playing time. Unfortunately, he got injured. I knew this would make him slip in the draft and was hoping I could snag him in the 14th. And I would have gotten away with it had it not been for that stupid auto draft, because Joel is such a dummy he couldn’t make a pick in the allotted time, and it auto-selected David Cobb. So he’ll just stash him away on IR, because it doesn’t hurt anything, and he’ll probably get a nice running back for the second half of the season.

Worst Pick: Cameron Artis-Payne
If you’re going to pick a backup running back for the Panthers, you probably should have picked the dude who is the real deal and going to steal the show once Jonathan Stewart inevitably gets injured. Unfortunately for Deez Nuts, that guy was taken later in this draft (Hint: it was by me and may have something to do with my team name).

My Pick: Nobody
I traded this pick so I could finally get rid of Jaime Garcia for Gio Gonzalez. Jaime Garcia has somehow continued to pitch out of his mind and become Cy-me Garcia. Gio has been inconsistent, much like he has been all year. It’s almost like past results indicate something about future performance. But I have faith that Gio will shine when it’s playoff time, at least that’s the hope that I’m holding onto. Long story short: I’m an idiot.

Round 14
157 Ready, Willing And Tom Cable K Steven Hauschka Sea
158 Geriatric All Stars K Cody Parkey Phi
159 Wegher Bombs D/ST Broncos D/ST Den
160 Steele Jantz’s Jock Strap WR Stedman Bailey StL
161 You Just Have To BELLieve! TE Owen Daniels Den
162 Hot Joel QB Jay Cutler Chi
163 Al Pacino From Scent of a Woman K Dan Bailey Dal
164 Too Many (Brandin) Cooks K Matt Bryant Atl
165 Graham Cracker D/ST Panthers D/ST Car
166 You Just Have To BELLieve! D/ST Eagles D/ST Phi
167 Larry Donnell Trump 4 President WR Rueben Randle NYG
168 Deez Nuts K Dan Carpenter Buf

Best Pick: Jay Cutler
I can’t really commend anybody for taking a defense or kicker, because trying to predict those stats, so that doesn’t leave me a whole lot of options. Although I think Jay Cutler is a garbage quarterback, he is a decent fantasy quarterback, so to snag a decent backup in the 14th round is pretty good value.

Worst Pick: Stedman Bailey
If I was going to take a chance on a former West Virginia wide receiver currently playing for the St. Louis Rams, I probably would have gone with Tavon Austin.

My Pick: Broncos D/ST
I really like the Broncos defense for this year. I think Von Miller takes it to another level this season and is my pick to lead the league in sacks. They also have two really good corners, so the pass defense should be on point. If they can stop the run, they should be a top-5 defense.

Round 15
169 Deez Nuts TE Austin Seferian-Jenkins TB
170 Larry Donnell Trump 4 President K Mason Crosby GB
171 You Just Have To BELLieve! RB Lorenzo Taliaferro Bal
172 Graham Cracker K Chandler Catanzaro Ari
173 Too Many (Brandin) Cooks WR Donte Moncrief Ind
174 Hot Joel WR Terrance Williams Dal
175 Hot Joel K Matt Prater Det
176 Wegher Bombs RB Brandon Wegher Car
177 Steele Jantz’s Jock Strap D/ST Packers D/ST GB
178 Wegher Bombs TE Kyle Rudolph Min
179 Wegher Bombs QB Colin Kaepernick SF
180 Wegher Bombs K Josh Scobee Pit

Best Pick: Colin Kaepernick
Yeah, I’m breaking my rules of giving out bests to my own pick, but looking at these selections, it’s pretty clear that Colin Kaepernick stands out above the rest. Snagging him in the final round is pretty nice, as they have some solid weapons on that offense, and with the defense being worse, they will have to score a lot of points to keep them in games. Since I am terrified of the Rams defense, I may even start Kaepernick the start in week one just to let everybody know that they have to earn their starting spot in my fantasy lineup.

Worst Pick: Josh Scobee
And I’m also going to break my rule for giving myself the worst pick. I am writing this on Friday morning, and two things became very clear. I made a smart decision by picking up Pittsburgh’s kicker, because they are going to score some points. Also, I made a very dumb decision by picking up Josh Scobee, because he is awful at kicking the ball. I was so mad after he missed his second field goal that I turned the game off shortly after that to watch Dog with a Blog. I should have just drafted Nate Kaeding.

My (Other) Picks: Brandon Wegher and Kyle Rudolph
WEGHER BOMBS! The only thing that I think I yelled more while watching Iowa games at a bar is “Mox is a fox!” in regards to James Vandenberg. And the only reasons that got yelled more is Brandon Wegher was a phoenix for the Iowa Hawkeyes whose fire burned out after one season of splitting carries. The dude has incredible natural talent, but it’s amazing that he’s actually harnessed everything after basically falling off the face of the Earth for a few years. Most young people do stupid shit. He did, but it seems like he has his shit together now, and good for him. He was very impressive in the preseason (you kind of have to be to make the team as an undrafted free agent), and I know he has the talent to put up numbers when Jonathan Stewart inevitably gets injured.

Kyle Rudolph is a tight end. In fantasy, it is wise to fill all open positions. Kyle Rudolph fills this requirement. Hooray, Kyle.

Predictions
So looking at the best and worsts of how people did in this draft, let's look at who my greatest challenger will be. Also, I gave an extra point for each keeper, as they all seemed to be very good value...oh, except for Cam Newton, who I subtracted a point for, since he was kept in the third round. Ties are broken by general feel. Without further adieu, here are the likely final standings for the 2015 fantasy football season.

1. Wegher Bombs ∞
2. Hot Joel 3-0
3. You Just Have To BELLieve! 3-1
4. Ready, Willing And Tom Cable 2-0
5. Larry Donnell Trump 4 President 2-0
6. Steele Jantz’s Jock Strap 3-2
7. Too Many (Brandin) Cooks 3-2
8. Graham Cracker 2-1
9. Geriatric All Stars 1-0
10. Deez Nuts 1-2
11. Run And Hyde 0-2
12. Al Pacino From Scent of a Woman 1-4 

I Will Not Be Grantland's Fantasy Football Writer

Grantland had a contest to become their fantasy football writer. They asked for the top five players this year and one sleeper. That is, quite possibly, the most boring writing concept ever. Also, anyone who claims to be a fantasy guru is a moron, especially when it comes to fantasy football where if you just manage a healthy team, you will be competitive. Even though I decided to play within the rules, much like the cast of Suits, I also managed to still play by my own rules. The following is the article that, somehow, did not lead me to the writing championship.

************

Becoming Grantland’s fantasy football writer has long been a dream of mine. I remember growing up last week and seeing that Grantland was having a competition for their Fantasy Football writer. I knew that it was my destiny. Well, guess what? It’s this week, and that little boy with a dream is now a 28-year-old with loads of free time, and it is time for my dream to become a reality.

Calvin Johnson – If you are looking for guaranteed points, look no further, because this guy is a fantasy stud. Do you know how tall Calvin Johnson is? Probably not. I have it on good authority that someone tried to measure him using a yardstick. They then brought out a second yardstick, and he was taller than both yardsticks combined. A yard is three feet, and since he is approximately three yards tall, that makes Calvin Johnson nine feet tall. Do you know how fast Calvin Johnson is? Of course not, because Calvin Johnson is as fast as our hands. Since the hand is faster than the eye, he is too fast for the world to ever get a proper measurement on his speed. When Usain Bolt feels a gust of wind, he fears it is just Calvin Johnson lapping him. So, yeah, good luck stopping Calvin Johnson this year.

Ricky Stanzi – Yes, the Kansas City Chiefs backup quarterback may not seem like a wise choice at first, but take a closer look, and I think you will find that he should be your top priority on draft day. Ricky Stanzi loves America.

I mean, the man really loves America.
Fantasy football has surpassed apple pie on the Most American rankings. It’s football, which is a sport that is only played in America. You create a hypothetical team that many cheer for over the team that they grew up rooting for in order to get bragging rights over their friends. This is what Abraham Lincoln envisioned after killing a vampire and signing the Declaration of Independence. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Bo Jackson – So this one is cheating a little bit. I have a football simulator called Tecmo Super Bowl. Although I have not judged the results of my simulator against real-world results, I am nearly positive that it is the most accurate simulator in the world. For the last 21 seasons, the top fantasy performer has been Bo Jackson. I do not see that changing anytime soon. As long as he remembers to zig zag to obtain optimal speed as opposed to running a straight line, I really don’t see how any team is going to be able to stop him.

Mike Ditka – His versatility is what adds so much value for Ditka. He can not only fill in in your Coach position, but he can also fill in at the role of Tight End, Analyst, or Mustache. This is the type of fantasy stud that you can build a team around. If that’s not enough, take solace in the fact that you can never go wrong with Ditka.

Josh Scobee – That’s right, a kicker. A lot of you are under the impression that kickers are worthless in fantasy leagues, but it is actually quite the opposite. Little known fact, on 98% of touchdowns, the kicker scores. It is an obscure rule known as the point after touchdown. People in the know refer to it simply as the PAT. A kicker will kick this and get a point. Only bad kickers miss these, and Josh Scobee is not a bad kicker. He will also have plenty of chances as Maurice Jones-Drew is holding out meaning that he will be well rested for the season. If that isn’t enough of a reason, Blaine Gabbert is in his second year and has already bought property in the end zone, because he plans on spending most of his Sundays there celebrating with teammates.

SLEEPER: Washington Sentinels Defense – All the attention goes to Shane Falco, but this defense deserves respect. After trailing 17-0 after the first half in their final game, they did not give up another point and won 20-17. That scoreless second half is a sign of things to come this season.

Get those guys, and you will definitely be going home with a fantasy championship this year. Also, if you are one of my friends that I am in a league with, don’t read this. I really should have put that at the top. Aw, crap.

************

So, yeah, I don't understand how I lost either. As a consolation prize for anyone checking this post out five years later, here is a mashup picture I made on Paint for my team Robert Kelley Kapowski: