How Can the Minnesota Vikings Replace Teddy Bridgewater?

Lukewarm Jonah is taking the reins today since his favorite team lost one of the best young QBs in the league.

Today the likelihood of a Minnesota Vikings championship run took a big hit when Teddy Bridgewater went down with a freak, terrible injury.  I know Joe is no Vikings fan, but he is a Teddy Bridgewater fan.  Though the news today was terrible, the regular season is rapidly approaching.  The Vikings have Shaun Hill healthy and that’s about it.  Second year quarterback Taylor Heinicke looked great last preseason, but is also injured.  It’s clear that the Vikings need to find a quarterback, but the question is who?  I’ve got a few suggestions that aren’t being talked about that I hope the Vikings listen to.

Zach Mettenberger may be their best option, so I’m going to lead this list off with him.  I’m a little confused why no one wants a third year quarterback who played average football on a terrible team during his rookie year.  He played a little below average last year, still on a terrible team.  I watched plenty of his games as a pro and saw plenty of potential.  The fact that this guy got cut is baffling to me.  Anyways, you have a young quarterback with starting experience and some upside.  Maybe the biggest positive to Mettenberger is that he’s a free agent.  He doesn’t cost a draft pick, just a roster spot and a pretty cheap contract.

Next up is a favorite of Joe and myself, Matt Barkley.  He’s the current 3rd string quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals.  He was acquired from the Eagles for a 7th round pick, so giving a 6th rounder for him seems like a price that Arizona would be happy to receive.  This is another guy that I’m confused by the lack of opportunities he’s got.  He went from assumed number one overall pick to fourth rounder who couldn’t find any playing time, even with all the terrible quarterbacks who seem to find constant work.  He’s a guy with a high ceiling, and I’d happily trade a 6th rounder for him.

Let’s look out east for a couple of quarterbacks from the mighty Philadelphia Eagles.  That’s right a couple.  Chase Daniel is the obvious target.  A guy who by all reports was the best quarterback on a couple of teams he’s been on.  Many people wanted to see him play when he was in Kansas City, and if he stays in Philadelphia I would bet a large amount of money he starts at least one game this year due to talent alone.  However, the Eagles have Sam Bradford as their starter and Carson Wentz as their future quarterback so do they really need Daniel?  So who’s the other quarterback on the Eagles I mentioned?  None other than Mcleod Bethel-Thompson.  Who you ask?  Current Eagles fourth string quarterback, likely to be a free agent very soon, Bethel-Thompson had two runs with the Vikings and showed glimpses of greatness, even though it was in the preseason.  He’ll be a free signing that can back up Shaun Hill and potentially come in and spark the offense if Hill struggles.

I can’t finish the article without mentioning my personal hero Nathan Enderle.  6’4” 240 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal, if he’s signed the Vikings will finally win that ever elusive Super Bowl.  Really though, I wish he actually got a chance in the NFL because he’s got a big arm, he’s accurate, and he’s used to moving around in the pocket and avoiding pressure.  The only good part about him not playing is he would have started for the Bears and led them to way too much success.

Someone else who must be mentioned is Joe’s personal hero, the anti Colin Kaepernick, Mr. America Ricky Stanzi.  He’s available, loves America, and was a successful quarterback at the University of Iowa.  I’ll have to defer to Joe for any real insight into Ricky Stanzi (Joe's insight: He seems like a really good dude. That probably doesn't make him a great option at QB, but I'd definitely let him watch my dog), but he can play on the Vikings as long as he comes out to Real American.

I Will Not Be Grantland's Fantasy Football Writer

Grantland had a contest to become their fantasy football writer. They asked for the top five players this year and one sleeper. That is, quite possibly, the most boring writing concept ever. Also, anyone who claims to be a fantasy guru is a moron, especially when it comes to fantasy football where if you just manage a healthy team, you will be competitive. Even though I decided to play within the rules, much like the cast of Suits, I also managed to still play by my own rules. The following is the article that, somehow, did not lead me to the writing championship.

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Becoming Grantland’s fantasy football writer has long been a dream of mine. I remember growing up last week and seeing that Grantland was having a competition for their Fantasy Football writer. I knew that it was my destiny. Well, guess what? It’s this week, and that little boy with a dream is now a 28-year-old with loads of free time, and it is time for my dream to become a reality.

Calvin Johnson – If you are looking for guaranteed points, look no further, because this guy is a fantasy stud. Do you know how tall Calvin Johnson is? Probably not. I have it on good authority that someone tried to measure him using a yardstick. They then brought out a second yardstick, and he was taller than both yardsticks combined. A yard is three feet, and since he is approximately three yards tall, that makes Calvin Johnson nine feet tall. Do you know how fast Calvin Johnson is? Of course not, because Calvin Johnson is as fast as our hands. Since the hand is faster than the eye, he is too fast for the world to ever get a proper measurement on his speed. When Usain Bolt feels a gust of wind, he fears it is just Calvin Johnson lapping him. So, yeah, good luck stopping Calvin Johnson this year.

Ricky Stanzi – Yes, the Kansas City Chiefs backup quarterback may not seem like a wise choice at first, but take a closer look, and I think you will find that he should be your top priority on draft day. Ricky Stanzi loves America.

I mean, the man really loves America.
Fantasy football has surpassed apple pie on the Most American rankings. It’s football, which is a sport that is only played in America. You create a hypothetical team that many cheer for over the team that they grew up rooting for in order to get bragging rights over their friends. This is what Abraham Lincoln envisioned after killing a vampire and signing the Declaration of Independence. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Bo Jackson – So this one is cheating a little bit. I have a football simulator called Tecmo Super Bowl. Although I have not judged the results of my simulator against real-world results, I am nearly positive that it is the most accurate simulator in the world. For the last 21 seasons, the top fantasy performer has been Bo Jackson. I do not see that changing anytime soon. As long as he remembers to zig zag to obtain optimal speed as opposed to running a straight line, I really don’t see how any team is going to be able to stop him.

Mike Ditka – His versatility is what adds so much value for Ditka. He can not only fill in in your Coach position, but he can also fill in at the role of Tight End, Analyst, or Mustache. This is the type of fantasy stud that you can build a team around. If that’s not enough, take solace in the fact that you can never go wrong with Ditka.

Josh Scobee – That’s right, a kicker. A lot of you are under the impression that kickers are worthless in fantasy leagues, but it is actually quite the opposite. Little known fact, on 98% of touchdowns, the kicker scores. It is an obscure rule known as the point after touchdown. People in the know refer to it simply as the PAT. A kicker will kick this and get a point. Only bad kickers miss these, and Josh Scobee is not a bad kicker. He will also have plenty of chances as Maurice Jones-Drew is holding out meaning that he will be well rested for the season. If that isn’t enough of a reason, Blaine Gabbert is in his second year and has already bought property in the end zone, because he plans on spending most of his Sundays there celebrating with teammates.

SLEEPER: Washington Sentinels Defense – All the attention goes to Shane Falco, but this defense deserves respect. After trailing 17-0 after the first half in their final game, they did not give up another point and won 20-17. That scoreless second half is a sign of things to come this season.

Get those guys, and you will definitely be going home with a fantasy championship this year. Also, if you are one of my friends that I am in a league with, don’t read this. I really should have put that at the top. Aw, crap.

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So, yeah, I don't understand how I lost either. As a consolation prize for anyone checking this post out five years later, here is a mashup picture I made on Paint for my team Robert Kelley Kapowski:

The Most Overrated Quarterback In The 2011 NFL Draft

Blaine Gabbert is the most overrated prospect in the entire NFL Draft.  Somehow 90% of mainstream talent evaluators have blatantly ignored the serious flaws that he has as a quarterback.  What they see is a big, strong kid who runs well and can really spin a football.  Those are all good traits for a quarterback, and I can't deny any of them.

Most evaluators believe that his shining moment came against my beloved Iowa Hawkeyes.  He was 41-57 for 434 yards.  Clearly, those are impressive numbers.  But if you watched the game and tried to evaluate him as a prospect, it was not nearly as impressive as a performance.

The majority of his passes were five-yard outs and crossing patterns where he used his receivers' speed advantage on Iowa's linebackers.  These were very easy pitch-and-catch throws that most high school quarterbacks could make.

He also showed two major flaws in the Iowa game.  He cannot read the field, and he cannot handle pressure.  All of his plays required him to read one side of the field and ideally fire the ball out of there as quickly as possible.  If that is not there, he is slow to look to the other side of the field and his first instinct is to scramble out of the pocket instead of checking out what other receivers he has available.  He also seems to get a bit of tunnel vision when throwing it to his receivers.  Against zone coverage, he will often lead his receivers into tough spots and put them in position to take big hits. 

The other big thing is that he does not handle pressure well.  The second that he feels pressure he tries to sprint at an angle that takes him backwards and towards the sideline.  When he does this, he just focuses on getting away from the defenders and completely loses track of where his receivers are.  If he manages to avoid the rush comfortably enough to look down the field again, he's usually ten yards further back, making a meaningful completion highly unlikely.  And although he has good speed, he is not especially adept at avoiding the rush, as he is not that quick, and he basically has to turn it into a straight sprint away from the defense as opposed to shuffling his feet to buy a little extra time and fire the ball down the field.

His game against Illinois provides great video evidence of what I'm talking about.

When watching Blaine Gabbert, there is one name that keeps coming to my mind.  It's a guy who was put in a very productive offense in college, much like Gabbert had at Missouri.  He put up good, but not great stats compared to other QBs in that system.  The good news is that this quarterback led his team to a Super Bowl.  The bad news is that it's Rex Grossman.

I know that anybody who likes Gabbert as a prospect would have rather had me stab their cat (Missouri Tigers, get it?), but let me explain.  The college comparisons are definitely there, and Rex Grossman was also seen as a first-round talent coming out of college.  Hence, he was drafted 22nd overall.  Most people seem to forget this, but there is such a thing as "Good Rex."  Good Rex did a very good job for the Bears in a lot of games.  But these were the games where his first option in Ron Turner's offense were open.  When that first option was not open, he went into "Fuck it, I'm throwing it deep" mode.

I basically see about the same things happening for Gabbert.  You can't tell me that this doesn't look like something Rex Grossman would do.

If he is an offense where his first look is consistently open, he will look like a pro bowler.  If not, he will have people screaming for Brian Griese to take the starting job.  I'll admit the comparison is a little on the harsh side, so if you want to call Gabbert a rich man's Rex Grossman, I won't argue against that.

While his physical attributes will make some talent evaluators salivate, I wouldn't even think about him until round two.  Could he develop into a great quarterback?  Maybe.  But I don't think it's very likely.  There are too many glaring holes in his game right now.  Calling this guy the next great QB prospect is just plain false and overlooks nearly everything that he's shown in games. 

But there's no need to fret, quarterback needing teams.  Next week, I will reveal the quarterback prospect that I feel is the most underrated in the draft.

-Joe

P.S.  Don't worry, Iowa hating readers, my underrated QB prospect is not Ricky Stanzi.

P.P.S.  In "Troy Tulowitzki is more awesome than you" news, he is allowing fans to pick out his walk-up song for next year after coming out to Party in the USA last year.  Needless to say, I sent in my suggestion of Seal's "Kiss From A Rose."

Chicago Bears: America's Team

There are a lot of ridiculous terms and sayings in sports, at least 94% of those deal with Brett Favre.  "He just loves to play the game."  "He's a gunslinger."  "When you see Brett Favre, you think of two things, Crocs and Cocks."  As ridiculous as those are, the most ridiculous term I hear used constantly has to be "America's Team."  Somehow, in baseball, it's the New York Yankees, in football, it's the Dallas Cowboys, and in basketball, it's, um...the Toronto Raptors?  But do any of these teams really represent America?  Let's investigate:

New York Yankees - Rich Assholes
Dallas Cowboys - Rich Assholes
Toronto Raptors - Even worse, Canadians

How in the hell do these teams come close to representing America?  They don't.  But I do know of one team that represents America, and that team is the Chicago Bears.  The combination of the team, the front office, and the fans all work together to create a true slice of Americana.  Let's break it down.

1.  They suck - The United States has become a country of the haves and have nots.  I'm pretty sure 1% of the population has 90% of the wealth.  Then there's a shrinking middle class, and then there is us regular folk.  We don't have the three vacation homes, yachts to travel across the ocean, or ice makers built into our refrigerators.  The Bears are the same way.  They aren't the 1% that is doing great every year.  They lose...a lot.  But they don't need fancy things like wins, because of reason number two.

2.  Blind optimism -They have a loyal fan base that thinks every move they make is absolutely brilliant.  It is amazing that everyone can go into the offseason knowing that offensive line is their biggest weakness.  When the Bears do nothing to address that position, but instead address wants instead of needs, all their fans reply, "Our offensive line may suck, but we're going to be AWESOME everywhere else."  The Bears can do no wrong.  When the Bears got Jay Cutler, I thought, "Wow, they are completely screwed."  All of my friends thought, "Wow, we just go a QB with Kurt Warner's accuracy, Peyton Manning's smarts, Joe Montana's clutchness, and Fabio's good looks."  To be fair to Bears fans, they may have got confused with the other Jay Cutler on the last one:

But this blind optimism of their fanbase also represents America.  Every human being on the planet thinks they are going to be rich and/or famous.  It's the reason that people's cleaning ladies bought three houses without thinking that maybe that wasn't such a great idea.  It's the reason that people continue to buy lottery tickets when the odds of success are so unfathomably low that people might be better using that money as toilet paper.  It's probably the reason I'm unemployed, but hey, I never said that blind optimism isn't a great time.  This is America; this is the Chicago Bears.

3.  Clinging to the past - You can talk to any random stranger, ask them about the best thing that happened to them, and watch them light up as they tell you their story.  The amazing thing is that no matter how big or small the accomplishment was, the person gets the same joy out of reliving it.  It doesn't matter if you ran for a touchdown in a junior high football game or won Super Bowl MVP, that moment will always be yours, and it'll always make you feel awesome.  We romanticize the past and talk about it like it was just yesterday.  It's human nature and no team better exemplifies that than the Chicago Bears.  The Bears last won the Super Bowl in 1985.  I was barely alive back then (I was a worthless baby at the time), yet I know more about that season than any season that has come since then.  Most have zero memories of actually watching that team, yet would still come to blows with you if you said any team was better than the 1985 Bears.  This was 25 years ago, but people act like it was yesterday.  This is only going to get worse.  In 1000 years, when linebackers are seven feet tall, and weigh 400 pounds of pure muscle, the Bears defense of 3010 will still get compared to the 1985 Bears.  The sadder thing is that the Bears still may not have won another title since then, but hey, nobody will ever be able to take 1985 away from us.

4.  Jay Cutler - Ricky Stanzi may love America, but Jay Cutler is America.  He's the best of America, and hte worst of America.  Look at Jay Cutler:

 What a goofy looking bastard, yet this is who Jay Cutler is dating:

Good God.  We've all walked down the street, seen a great looking girl with some ugly douchebag, and wondered how in the hell they were together.  Well Jay Cutler is the epitome of that douchebag.  He's the American Dream.  But he's also the worst of America.  Jay Cutler has a great arm, yet there is no way he'll ever win a Super Bowl.  Why?  Laziness.  In yesterday's Bears game against the Patriots that was played in the snow, Phil Simms actually said something interesting (yes, it shocked me too).  He talked about how Tom Brady meticulously rubbed down his balls to make sure that he'd have a good grip on them so their passing game did not suffer.  Jay Cutler was not as meticulous.  In fact, he didn't rub the balls down at all.  He told Simms, and this is no joke, that it took too much effort to rub them down so it wasn't worth it.  Too much effort?

This is a great example of the American people.  Everybody wants success, but nobody wants to put the work in to achieve it.  When things get tough, it's easy to give up, and Jay Cutler totally believes in this strategy.  People don't want to do the little things that lead a select few to great success.  Neither does Jay Cutler.  He is getting paid millions and millions of dollars to succeed at football, and rubbing a ball down so it isn't slick is too much effort?  Jay Cutler must be playing a joke on all of us.  He wasn't; he fumbled the next play.

Only in America.

-Joe

P.S.  I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I love Derrick Rose.

And if you want to be more like Derrick Rose, you can now take the supplements of the best player in the NBA.