The 6 Most Offensive Things Groupon Recommended To Me

Since I have purchased a Groupon in the past, I get emails every day from Groupon with different deals and recommendations. Usually, I delete these without even taking a second glance, and honestly, I should just report it as Spam, as I'm going to look at Groupon when I need something, not make an impulse buy, because I can get two Big Macs for the price of one. Anyway, the other day, Groupon did a hell of a job and actually made me read the email by offering a Groupon that caught my eye. We'll get to that one later, because when I opened the email, I realized that none of these Groupons had any inkling of value to someone like me. So, without further adieu, here are the six most offensive things that Groupon recommended to me.

6. $299 for Laser Toenail Fungus Removal
This one is the lowest on the list, just because I am a dirty individual. I do not have toenail fungus, but I could understand how the world might assume I did. Still, even if I did, ain't no way I'm paying $300 to get rid of it. Instead, I would tell each foot's fungus about how the other foot's fungus was talking shit, and then they would have a turf war and destroy each other, leaving my toenails fungus free.

5. $139 for Botox
I did just turn 32 years old. But I'm a dude, which means I'm just going to get more and more sexy as time goes on. My hairline is strong, my body is tight, so any wrinkle I get is a gift. They're basically sex wrinkles.

4. 68% off Spider Vein Treatments
There were a lot of beauty treatments that I didn't understand, so I chose this one to be representative of all of them, as I have no clue what spider veins are. I mean, if it was like Peter Parker and meant that I could shoot webbing out of my hands, then I would very much like this treatment. Unfortunately, I think it's closer to Botox for your legs. My legs are pristine, Groupon should know that.

3. $99 STD Test
This was the one that caught my eye in the title of the email. Basically, because I wasn't sure if it was an STD test or some other test that I wasn't aware of that had really unfortunate emails. I've never had to invest in an STD test, because I keep my guy clean. Now even though that was almost entirely due to lack of opportunity to dirty my guy, it still counts as me being a responsible adult. But now I've got a wife, Groupon, so even if I had been a dirty boy, it's a little late in the game for this one.

2. $199 Breast Pump
I do not have breasts; I don't know how I would use this device without that essential part of the anatomy. This is also an advanced breast pump, and I very much think I should have a novice, and possibly even a beginner breast pump if I were trying to milk my dry nipples.

1. 59% off Puddle of Mudd Concert
This was by far the most offensive thing that was suggested for me. Puddle of Mudd sucks in such an immense way that I cannot believe they are still a band, much less touring for paying customers. Quick, name your favorite Puddle of Mudd song. A-ha, that was a trick question as all Puddle of Mudd songs suck. You could take 100% off these tickets, and I wouldn't go see them. Come on, Groupon, get your shit together.

I Went To A Free Pro Wrestling Show In Florida

Coming from the Midwest, the best thing about Florida is probably the weather. I hate the cold, so being rid of it is a very nice feeling. The second best thing about living in Florida is that is a great state for pro wrestling fans. NXT has their tapings near Orlando, and they have house shows throughout the state, so it's pretty easy to see great wrestling for $10. Despite the great value that NXT provides, this weekend, I found an even better value as there was a free pro wrestling show in Tampa this past weekend.

It was something called Ring Warriors, and although I had never heard of them, they totally exceeded my expectations. It was a taping, as the ring announcer stated that they air in multiple countries worldwide. Good luck finding out what those countries are/if they exist, as their webpage isn't exactly chock full of information.

Still, they had a solid setup with professional video cameras and everything. As for the talent, I would call it a mixed bag. There were a lot of guys that were just your run-of-the-mill independent wrestlers who were sometimes quite old, often out of shape, and fine at best in the ring. But mixed in were actually guys who I had heard of like Sonjay Dutt, Michael Tarver, and Wes Brisco. Sure, those aren't big names, but those are guys who had runs in WWE and TNA respectively. Still, the best wrestler there was just hanging out as Ring of Honor Champion, Jay Lethal was taking pictures with fans. As for the biggest star who wrestled, that would be Simply Tremendous Dude, better known as STD, best known as Mosh from The Headbangers. I'll admit, I got pretty pumped when I recognized him, but then he got beat in like three minutes, so I don't think he'll be getting that Ring Warriors title push anytime soon.

The biggest highlight of the night was being seated next to one of the wrestler's fiancee. She was super drunk and could barely string thoughts together. The one thing that she made clear is that she was shocked that my wife and I were in attendance despite not knowing any of the wrestlers personally. That probably says more about me than it says about her, but shit dog, it's free pro wrestling; it's not like I needed a hookup for tickets. Her shining moment came later in the night as she repeatedly put her hand on my knee. It was some super drunken awkwardness, and shortly thereafter, her friends escorted her out of the building.

The biggest wrestling highlight was Maxwell Chicago. For a reference point, this is Maxwell Chicago:

Mr. Chicago had to face off against some really fat dude, who managed to have maybe the worst in-ring interview in history. It went something like this.

Interviewer: Maxwell Chicago has challenged you to a match. Do you accept his challenge.
Fat Dude: (Long Pause) Man, what do you think?

And scene. That was seriously it. Then Chicago came down, tried to cheap shot the guy, and fat dude just started crushing him. Finally Maxwell Chicago tried to mount a comeback by punching him in the gut with the limpest punches you have ever seen. It was the stuff of six-year-old girls, but it was entertaining. The part where I laughed way too hard was where Maxwell Chicago got the ref distracted and then nailed fat dude with a low blow. This low blow inexplicably knocked the fat dude into a state of unconsciousness, and Chicago got the win. I'm usually a cheer for the good guys, boo for the bad guys at small shows, but that deserved a cheer in my opinion, wrestling tropes be damned.

This free pro wrestling event was scheduled for three hours, but unfortunately, we only made it through a little over two hours, as we learned one incredibly valuable lesson: If you're putting on a free pro wrestling show, you don't exactly get the best smelling people in attendance. I would say 50% of the smell can be attributed to people smelling like their cigarettes after a smoke break, but the other 50% was just some good ol' fashioned BO. My wife has the nose of a bloodhound (in her smelling abilities, not literally; otherwise, that would have been a really weird plastic surgery procedure), so she's very sensitive to smells, and since we had definitely had our money's worth, we decided to call it a night.

 I'll probably never know whether Sonjay Dutt won the Hiro Matsuda Invitational or, more importantly, whether the fat dude recovered from the low blow to pass his concussion tests.

Suits Power Rankings - Buried Secrets

So where did we leave off? Harvey locked down Scotty in the most noncommital way ever, which is just top-notch work. Jessica wants Mike to stop dating Rachel, because it is messing with her business, but she needs to learn that you can't fight the moonlight. Louis is now suspicious that Mike did not go to Harvard, because he's not in their master records. I'm also pretty sure all the British people are gone, but they can be shifty, so I can't say for sure. Also, Harold be Harold.

Also, a disappointing note. I just binge watched Game of Thrones, and I really missed out on some good jokes from last season. I would have definitely said something witty like, "Edward Darby clearly has no balls" when he got owned by Harvey. Or I could have said, "Why doesn't Ava Hessington just let this go like she did with Jamie Lannister?" I guarantee a few of you would have had some chuckles, so I apologize for missing out on those opportunities. Anyway, onto the rankings:

1. Dana Scott - That's right; we're starting with a lady at the top of the rankings. She got a 10% signing bonus for being less of a pain in the ass than Harvey, so I now have a new negotiating technique for my next job offer. Most importantly, she signed Michael Phelps, which seemed pretty easy. Honestly, if I had a meeting with Scotty, I cannot tell you all of the things I would agree to. She's also got her man paying her bills, so really, life is pretty damn great for Scotty.

2. Mr. Ross - Mike's Dad loved to party for any occasion. Also, on his first date with his future wife, he got so drunk that he spilled his drink on her, and "forgot her wallet" so she had to pay. Baller status achieved.

3. Harvey Specter - I just want to point out that Harvey's pajamas are nicer than the clothes I usually go out to dinner in. Harvey wants Dana to work at the firm, because he thinks their relationship has staying power. Love makes people do silly things. Silliest is that Harvey paid a half million dollars to continue sleeping with Scotty, which, uh, wow, she must be dynamite in the sack.

4. Jessica Pearson - Jessica is pissed that Harvey is offering his bangpiece jobs at the law firm without consulting her. Still, as long as she gets her 500 Gs, she's cool with just about anything. I can't blame her for that.

5. Mike Ross - Mike is obsessed with beating Rinaldi, and he's not going to let peanuts come into his deposition. He straight up owns the expert witness, and then proves that the guy who died basically killed himself by drinking champagne. That's a power move, but not understanding the difference between drinks and drunk is a tad childish. He could have just as easily blamed his Dad's reflexes on it being late at night and him being tired. Still, he ended his evening with Rachel and sushi, so things could be worse for him.

6. Rachel Zane - Critiquing furniture as an excuse to move in together is a little passive aggressive for my tastes. She wastes a lot of time lighting candles when she really could have just put on that outfit and been done with her seduction techniques. She is only this high on the list for superficial reasons.

7. Sheila Sass - Wonderfully anal. She can also be bad, as she figuratively and possibly literally beat the shit out of Louis.

8. Louis Marlo Litt - Louis is concerned that Mike may have gone to a third-tier law school like Arizona State, and his impression of Arizona State students is shockingly accurate. Might be able to learn from them college kids on avoiding a Black Hawk Down situation. He disturbingly had his erect penis referred to as The Dark Knight Rises, so is Louis's penis horribly bruised and discolored? Whatever they do in their sex life, count me out.

9. Michael Phelps - Turned down Harvey as his lawyer, but got seduced by Scotty. Can't blame him for that.

10. Donna Paulsen - Donna throws Louis off Mike's scent but doesn't really get hers. She's just a secondary character these days. Maybe she can start dating Michael Phelps.

11. Nick Rinaldi - The man who only gave Mike's family a few dollars for his parents' lives. He apologized, so he thought him and Mike were cool. Apparently not. He also calls Mike "son" which is a pretty great power move. He also showed Mike that his Dad had two drinks the night that they got killed by a drunk driver. Still, he lost the case, and he may be the least impressive lawyer that has ever been on the show.

12. Professor Girard - Never gets A+, because he's an old douche.

13. Rebecca Carlin - Slept with Harvey when she thought he was gay. Then had to get medicine for crabs because of Scotty's lies. Mentally struggles with itchy vagina to this day.

I Have Lost My Sports Hate

I hate the St. Louis Cardinals. I say that, because it is something that, as a Cubs fan, I have believed in my entire life. But, being honest with myself, I really don't hate the Cardinals. I'm 28 years old, and at this point in my life, I have to be pretty selective with my sports hatred.

I no longer hate the Cardinals, I'm just tired of them. I just want them to go away. I don't really care about the Tigers, but I'm kind of semi-rooting for them on the rare occasions that I accidentally turn on baseball. The Cubs suck, and fantasy baseball is over, so I have no reason to give two shits about the baseball season.

This is only partially because I am a much bigger college sports fan than I am of professional sports. As a fan of Iowa, I don't care at all about baseball, because Big Ten baseball is as relevant as the Jamaican hockey team. Even with the teams that do matter, I can't quite build up hatred for their opponents.

Iowa basketball has been bad for a while, so it's not like they can really create a rivalry. I think I probably hate Illinois basketball the most, but it certainly doesn't keep me up at night.

Iowa football matters, but I've gotten past the rage at how things are run to just kind of laugh when things get horribly fucked up. I was actually a Ken O'Keefe supporter. He did a solid job. He was conservative, but Kirk wants to run a conservative gameplan. People really hated the guy, but almost everyone just complained about a play call after it failed instead of having a viable solution. I also don't hate Kirk, because ten wins every few years is pretty cool. Maybe he'll never make it to the Rose Bowl, maybe he'll make it this year. He's still a really good coach, and yes, I realize he is overpaid, but I can't blame him for that. As for football rivalries, it really irritates me when Iowa loses to Northwestern, but it is just Northwestern. Wisconsin would be a rivalry, but Iowa no longer plays them every year, and I have had some great times in Madison, so it is tough to build up too much hatred. Maybe I could hate Nebraska, but the rivalry started one year ago, so I'm going to need some time to build up hate for them.

And then there's Iowa Wrestling, but hating another team in wrestling would be a real asshole move considering my favorite team always finishes in the top-5 nationally. I would say that I hate the fan bases of places like Penn State for having an awesome wrestling team and not giving a shit about it.

So, that's where I'm at. I no longer have that blind hatred of sports teams. I used to hate teams like the Packers and Cardinals. Now I'd still rather see them lose than win, but I don't have that chlamydia feeling burning inside of me anymore. Now it's more like a zit on my ballsack. Yeah, it's annoying, but it's pretty easy to make it go away.