Which Sport Has The Dumbest Athletes?

Athletes are very physically gifted. People want to talk about hard work and grit, but even your Danny Woodheads are far greater natural athletes than anyone you know. The good news is there is balance in this world where they are also very dumb. This does not include all athletes, as there are some chosen few who are incredibly gifted and self-aware and intelligent people. But even these people realize that most athletes are very stupid human beings. Still, their specific skills have led them to incredible riches, so good for them. Still, I wanted to take a look at which athletes are the dumbest of the dumb. Let's count it down from ten.

10. Soccer
I'm not necessarily a soccer fan, but soccer players seem like they have this whole thing figured out. Their sport is pretty safe, and they make tons of money off of it. Plus, it is a worldwide sport, so they have their pick of the litter when it comes to females around the world. The great thing about it is that there are so many levels of soccer that they can just go to different countries with worse soccer leagues, and be treated like a god until they're finally in the MLS where they compete against local elementary school teams.

This doesn't even include the flopping, which is very smart. You get credit for faking injuries, and then once the referee punishes the other team, you can just go about your day like you weren't acting like you got shot a minute ago. But hot chicks and plenty of outlets to continue to make lots of money. That's a smart sport to get into.

Oh, and just so I'm not too nice to soccer, this sport is balanced out by their fans who are probably the dumbest people on the planet. They murder people over soccer; that is very, very dumb. Stop doing that, soccer fans.

9. Tennis
Tennis players have it pretty great. They travel the world, stay in 5-star accommodations, and make really good money for what is not a physically taxing sport AT ALL. And then when it's all over, they can fade into a normal life. You know what Pete Sampras is up to these days? I sure as hell don't, because tennis players just get to go on and live their lives. The only reason they didn't get the smartest athletes is that Andre Agassi not only wore a wig, but he wore a mullet wig for years. Like, he made that decision.

8. Hockey
Hockey is a pretty violent sport, but there isn't a ton of tragedy in it, and they get to live as normal human beings. They can just kind of cruise around and be normal guys, but then they can get around beautiful women, casually drop that they are professional hockey players and easily seduce a girl that Mystery was running a gambit on before he even has a chance to do a magic trick.

7. Pro Wrestlers
I would have put pro wrestlers as the smartest if there wasn't such a crazy death rate. They're the only athletes that are actually expected to talk intelligently, so they all have to have a decent amount of brains in their heads. Unfortunately, there's simply too many tragedies of head trauma and guys thinking they're invincible to put them in a better spot.

6. Golfers
Golfers are incredibly far up their own ass. That more makes them pricks than stupid, but trust me, these are stupid pricks. Golfers are all secretly and sometimes outwardly racist, and they seem to hate women. Also, any sport that has people trying to hold onto "honor" and "integrity" is a sport full of morons. The thing that saves them is a lack of any physicality in the sport and a pretty sweet travel schedule.

5. Basketball
Basketball players are a harmless sort of stupid. Like, they're not intelligent, but they also are pretty relaxed about that fact. They're kind of in on the fact that they are stupid, but also stupid athletic, so they know the balance of the world. It's a charming sort of stupidity, like a dog with boots on.


4. Football
This is mostly due to getting in a sport where your brain is going to be scrambled by the time that you are done. The only reason it is not higher is some guys still have to take it as a way to get their families out of poverty, and they are kind of the great hope. I am sympathetic in that the sport kind of requires you to feel as if you are invincible. As bad as getting in a brain scrambling sport is, it probably pales in comparison to former players talking about "protecting the shield" as if getting drunk or doing drugs is nearly as bad as messing up people's brains to the point where they feel the only option is suicide.

3. Combat Sports
It's like football with the brain scrambling but without the great payoff when you become one of the best. Yes, some guys are making millions of dollars, but even in the UFC, you have guys making $8,000 to fight and another $8,000 to win. Some guys only get two fights a year, so, yeah, that's not a great living. Also, as someone who trains at an MMA gym, I can tell you that it is a very stupid place. Anything that was funny to you in high school is still funny to everyone at an MMA gym. My belief is that this is true in all sports, but I can only give firsthand knowledge of the combat sports world.

2. Crossfitters
Now a lot of people like to shit on crossfitters, but I'm not here to (totally) do that. If you find a workout that you enjoy, and it doesn't injure you, that's wonderful. The second part is the problem with Crossfitters. I'm not amazed that people who do Crossfit suffer serious injuries; I'm amazed that they still rave about Crossfit and promise to start doing it again. That is very stupid. Also, Crossfit acts as a cult, and looking through history, no cult members are ever lauded for their intelligence.

1. Baseball
Baseball players top the list, because they are not only stupid, but they are also babies. They are stupid babies. Like golfers, they crave a simpler time when people just kept their head down, did their job, and fought for segregation and the right to beat their spouses. One thing that adds to their overall stupidity is how young baseball players get into the professional side of things. For Latin Americans, they get in at age 16, and there are many Americans who get in at 18. This is not a matter of education, as I don't equate education to intelligence. It's just that many people stop maturing from the time they get in that locker room. It's a collective stupidity

They also cannot handle that somebody would be happy and find it worthwhile to show their happiness when they do something well, because everything done in baseball is conceived as a personal attack against the opponent. That is because they are babies. Baseball wants to be a "man's" sport, but it's the sport of petulant children.

Speaking of children, Adam LaRoche quit baseball because his 14-year-old son couldn't hang out with him in the clubhouse EVERY SINGLE DAY. Now, it is one thing for Adam LaRoche to quit baseball for this reason. He decided the only way he could continue to play is if his son was around all the time. But Chris Sale screamed at the Team President, and Adam Eaton called the 14-year-old a "leader." If you consider a 14-year-old a leader, you are a very stupid person. Even when I was 14, I didn't consider 14-year-olds leaders, because I knew they were dumbasses. The last time I thought a 14-year-old was a leader was probably when I was 12. At that point, I didn't like girls, had poor hygeine, and was nWo 4 Life. The last one never changed, and apparently 12-year-old me was still smart enough to not only survive, but thrive in a baseball locker room.

Congratulations, baseball players. In the land of idiot athletes, you reign supreme.

The Birds Are Back In Town

I am not a hateful person. I'm far more likely to just let things be than to hold a grudge. Remembering who you hate and who is your rival is difficult for me, as I really just don't care about holding onto negativity. Yet, there is one enemy where my hatred runs deep and is hotter than a million suns. No human is worthy of this hate, but another animal is: The Red-Winged Blackbird, aka the worst thing on Earth.

These birds are assholes. There is no other way to put it. Actually, there is one other way to put it: They are stupid assholes. Stupid, because they are birds yet they choose to build their nests on the ground. Now, let's think about this: If I had the ability to fly, do you think I would spend a lot of time walking around to places? Do you think I would just stay in traffic, because DURRRR, I don't know no better. No, I wouldn't. I'd use my damn high flying abilities to stay above the fray. Yet these birds are so stupid that they put their nests on the ground.

Because of their nesting grounds, they like to act as if others are at fault for coming near their nests on the ground. This is when these dumbasses get into asshole mode. They are incredibly territorial, and they are more than willing to attack human beings. When I lived in Iowa, I would run near the river, and these birds would take turns swooping down to attack me like it was a scene from Mad Max. But these birds are not brave; they're cowards. They only attack the crown of my head, and they always come from behind. That's a bitch move right there.

One of the best things about moving to Florida is that I felt I was finally rid of these stupid assholes. I hadn't seen any of them since I moved down here, and I was able to run in peace. But with the new move, I have not just seen these assholes; they live in my backyard.

So far, it has been a feeling out process. They seem to be nesting far enough into the marsh that we don't have reasons to confront each other, but they still hang out in my tree. They have not tried to harm me or my dog while we play in the backyard, and I have not gotten out my tennis racket and started swinging for the fences.

What I'm hoping is that these are Florida birds, so they have retired from family life and are just retiring out their final days. That's cool by me, but the second they start to puff out their chests and come swooping at me, they're going to get a mouthful of tennis racket, and I'm strapping on my boots to go nest stomping.

Messing with people like me is the reason that "birdbrains" is such a terrible insult. It isn't wise, and I will have my revenge.

Hell hath no fury like a Hott Joe pecked.

Ultimate Warrior's Fatherly Advice

So, The Ultimate Warrior tweets so fast that I can't keep up with everything that he says. Hence, about a month late, I would like to tackle his advice from Father's Day on how to be the ULTIMATE parent (you see what I did there?). I don't have kids, and I'm currently single, so unless something goes terribly wrong, I shouldn't have to worry about this type of stuff. Still, I think caring for a child is a lot like caring for a dog, so maybe I'll be inspired to get a puppy when all is said and done.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

Happy Father's Day to all the REAL dads who get that Fatherhood is more than an orgasm. Warrior handshakes to u. Big hugs to your kids. AB-W

Seems like a simple and effective message. Nice job, Warrior.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#2 Being their protector and provider. #3 Looking straight into their eyes when I explain something to them or disipline them.

Oh, you're doing a list. Well, I'm not sure if realizing that fatherhood is more than an orgasm or big hugs to your kids is the first piece of advice, but either way, hey, let's check out this list. I like this early advice of staring into their advice to show that you have no weaknesses. I recently had a child hit a tennis ball that hit me in a very sensitive area. I wanted to cry, but I did not cry. Never show weakness.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#4 Telling teachers who try to teach them p/c & morally relative ideas or try kill their unique creative individuality to back the F' OFF.

I love this advice, because as this blog makes pretty clear, I love freedom of speech, but I also like to imagine the look of terror on the teacher's face when The Ultimate Warrior tells them to "Back the fuck off." I would not blame them if they peed themselves.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#5 Reading my girls to sleep every night and then sitting in the candlelight watching them breath while they are asleep.

Can we use a Batman nightlight if we don't have candles? It's just my preference. And also, once I see that their nervous system does keep them breathing while sleeping, can I leave and play video games? I mean, the Bears aren't going to win a Super Bowl in real life, so I'd like to at least get it accomplished on Madden.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#6 Standing at the sink, cupping their tiny hands in my big ones, washing theirs for them. #7 Their smell. #8 Hearing them say, Daddy.

This is where we run into problems. Number six can be seen as advice for fathers, but #7 is most definitely not advice. He lost track of what he was listing and then just starts naming things that he likes about his children. Well, shit, Warrior, that isn't going to help me be a better father. And what if I'm born with a child who has no smell? Should I love him less? I'm not sure, because you stopped giving any fucking advice on the topic.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#9 Their groans when I make them eat their egg whites. #10 How they snuggle up in my lap half-way through every movie. #11 Tiny, soft kisses

And you won me back. Any parent who makes their child eat egg whites instead of eggs is so unbelievably awesome that I could never stay mad at them. And he also went back to advice since he subtly promotes feeding children egg whites. Personally, with most people's diets, the difference in cholesterol between eggs and egg whites probably isn't going to make a substantial difference, but it's something I'll keep in mind when looking for ways to subtly torture my children.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#12 My daughter Mattigan’s wit and defiance-- like her mother’s. #13 My daughter Indiana’s concentration and intensity -- like who?
Do you mean like this guy?

I sure hope not, because if so, she's going to have a ton of brain damage.

And so wraps up The Warrior's fatherly advice. There was a lot of stuff in there, but I believe the important stuff is tell their teachers to fuck off, get a good nightlight, and feed them egg whites. Definitely feed them egg whites.

-Joe

P.S. This screenshot from LOLSlater is the only good thing that came from the Tori years.