Let's Slow Down on the Kobe Love

Hoo boy, I’m coming in with a hot take today. That’s why I have waited over a week to post it, but I have to post it because this shit has gotten out of control. We need to slow down on the Kobe love.

Now first off, I get it. Kobe, and eight other people dying in a helicopter crash is no doubt a tragedy, especially since there were children involved. I loved watching Kobe Bryant play basketball, and I think he’ll forever be the closest player to Michael Jordan in skill and competitiveness. Also, Kobe was a guy who did a lot to try to promote the advancement of women’s basketball which I think is great.

But Kobe Bryant was a rapist, and you can’t erase that because it doesn’t fit your happy little narrative. It’s especially offensive when you hear about people talking about the Mamba Mentality, and not making the connection of a man who pushed for more, more, and more. It’s horrifying to think about, and I would hope it’s impossible to ignore, but so many people seem to be doing just that.

I don’t know how the NBA and various teams can look at honoring him, because this shit is not going to age well. Random teams retiring his number, an All-Star game being dedicated to him, he was a great player, but you can’t overlook the other thing forever. It’s not a matter of if but when a giant uprising forms for teams and the league to rescind all of these Kobe dedications, so what is the gain in doing this?

Again, I liked Kobe as a player, and what happened was no doubt a tragedy. But let’s get some perspective here, Kobe did something awful and if you’re going to recognize the good, you have to recognize the very bad that goes with it. You can respect his game, but you don’t have to honor him.

The Birds Are Back In Town

I am not a hateful person. I'm far more likely to just let things be than to hold a grudge. Remembering who you hate and who is your rival is difficult for me, as I really just don't care about holding onto negativity. Yet, there is one enemy where my hatred runs deep and is hotter than a million suns. No human is worthy of this hate, but another animal is: The Red-Winged Blackbird, aka the worst thing on Earth.

These birds are assholes. There is no other way to put it. Actually, there is one other way to put it: They are stupid assholes. Stupid, because they are birds yet they choose to build their nests on the ground. Now, let's think about this: If I had the ability to fly, do you think I would spend a lot of time walking around to places? Do you think I would just stay in traffic, because DURRRR, I don't know no better. No, I wouldn't. I'd use my damn high flying abilities to stay above the fray. Yet these birds are so stupid that they put their nests on the ground.

Because of their nesting grounds, they like to act as if others are at fault for coming near their nests on the ground. This is when these dumbasses get into asshole mode. They are incredibly territorial, and they are more than willing to attack human beings. When I lived in Iowa, I would run near the river, and these birds would take turns swooping down to attack me like it was a scene from Mad Max. But these birds are not brave; they're cowards. They only attack the crown of my head, and they always come from behind. That's a bitch move right there.

One of the best things about moving to Florida is that I felt I was finally rid of these stupid assholes. I hadn't seen any of them since I moved down here, and I was able to run in peace. But with the new move, I have not just seen these assholes; they live in my backyard.

So far, it has been a feeling out process. They seem to be nesting far enough into the marsh that we don't have reasons to confront each other, but they still hang out in my tree. They have not tried to harm me or my dog while we play in the backyard, and I have not gotten out my tennis racket and started swinging for the fences.

What I'm hoping is that these are Florida birds, so they have retired from family life and are just retiring out their final days. That's cool by me, but the second they start to puff out their chests and come swooping at me, they're going to get a mouthful of tennis racket, and I'm strapping on my boots to go nest stomping.

Messing with people like me is the reason that "birdbrains" is such a terrible insult. It isn't wise, and I will have my revenge.

Hell hath no fury like a Hott Joe pecked.

Supercuts Is The Place To Be

I ain't no fancy boy who needs high-priced haircuts from a hair stylist. I need a cheap place to get a trim. Finger-length on top, three on the sides. I've been going with that style for a while, and although it isn't eye-catching, it is inoffensive, which, as a married adult, is all I really need. Hence, I go to the nearest place that I think will be cheap. A Supercuts seemed like a wise choice; I had no idea how great of a decision this would be.

The lady who is cutting my hair (I'm not sure if she's a hair stylist, barber, or some newfangled term I haven't heard of) is chatting with me and was wondering if I was doing anything special with my day. I told her that I was just going to be hanging with the dog, and I mentioned that I have a weimaraner. This got another lady barber to pipe in, "Oh my God, those are beautiful dogs." She went into great details about all of their best characteristics to the point that she seemed to at least considered the idea of a physical relationship with one. She then goes into how her best friend has one, and how it has such a great personality. Then the following exchange happens:

Lady: The only problem is that the dog liked to jump the fence.
Me: Oh, that's too bad.
Lady: Yeah, and then it got hit by a car.
(Stunned silence)
Me: I'm sorry.
Lady: The dog lived though.
Me: Oh, that's good.
Lady: But the vet bills were $350, and my friend didn't have that, so the vets kept the dog.
Me: That's...tough.
Lady: But at least the dog has plenty of room to run now (Lady walks away).
My Lady Barber: That was an awful story.
Me: (still in stunned silence)

And the fun didn't stop there. After that, another hair stylist came in, and after a little small talk, she drops the bomb of, "Well, I'm getting sued for $100,000." That certainly wouldn't be a casual thing for me, but she took it in stride. She then explained that it was from when she got in a car accident where she hit another car, but it shouldn't have been her fault, because the other person wanted to get in a car accident. How does that work? I have no clue, but she claimed the lady was working to get hit by her car, but the hair stylist lady still obliged and hit her, so not the best decision on her part. Anyway, the medical things this lady who loves car accidents aren't even from the accident, so the hair stylist should get out of this lawsuit.

It takes me about 10 minutes to get a haircut, and somehow they managed to squeeze in yet another insane story. After hearing about the other hair stylist's legal issues, my hair stylist admitted that her uncle was being sued for being involved in a drunk driving incident.

Let me just tell you that you have no idea where this story is going to go next.

Not only was her uncle not the drunk driver, he was actually the victim of the incident. On top of this, her uncle died in the car accident, so the drunk driver is suing the dead uncle for PTSD, because he's been really messed up since killing that dude when he was drunk.

BEST...HAIRCUT...EVER.

So, yeah, Supercuts is definitely the place to be.

The 3 Coolest Things About WWE's Crush

The WWE Network is built for nostalgia, and I every few episodes of Raw, I will come across that a guy that I liked way too much or didn't appreciate enough. Crush falls into the former category, as I thought Crush was really cool. When watching now, I am wondering what I thought was so cool, so I decided to break down the three coolest things about Crush in the eyes of a child.

1. Demolition
I thought Demolition was awesome, because I was a WWF kid, so although I was aware that the Road Warriors were awesome, I thought Demolition was just as cool. When looking back, Hawk and Animal actually were awesome, where Axe and Smash were kind of flabby S+M-looking perverts. Anyway, Crush joined the team towards the end, so he had a lot of built in credibility from being associated with Demolition.

2. "Brudder"
A few years later he came back as a Hawaiian who said "Brudder" a lot. I thought that this was both exotic and totally badass.

3. Kona Crush
The coolest thing as a kid is also the lamest thing as an adult. His finisher was the Kona Crush where he basically just squeezed a dude's head until they gave up. The reason this is so awesome for a kid is that kids are small and weak, so being strong enough to just squeeze a man into submission is an amazing fantasy to live vicariously through a wrestler.

After a year of being a cool Hawaiian dude who beat up Doink the Clown for being mean to kids, he "hurt" his back trying to bodyslam Yokozuna and became a Japanese sympathizer, because Macho Man didn't call to check up on him while he was recovering. He then bounced around various tag teams and various organizations over the next few years until retiring due to real back issues.

Like too many wrestling stories, he passed away in 2007 at age 43. Maybe Crush wasn't built for the modern-day cynical adult, but he was still cool by me, brudder.

The Disappearance of Ludvig Borga

Watching old episodes of Raw on the WWE Network continues to open my eyes to tons of different things. Wrestling in 2015 is so different than it was 20 years ago, and not just in the obvious ways how storylines and actual wrestling have changed in those years. One thing that continually sticks out for me is how guys just sort of disappear. It usually is a guy going from the WWE to WCW, but there are other guys who are just never seen or heard from again.

Ludvig Borga belongs in that latter category, and he is a fascinating case in that he continually got pushed up the ladder and basically beat everyone in his path. He even ended Tatanka's undefeated streak, which was especially tough for me as a devoted Tatanka fan in my youth. He seemed to be well on his way to being a main eventer as he geared up for a feud with Lex Luger. Luger ended up pinning him at the end of a Survivor Series match, but outside of that, I can't think of any time where someone actually pinned or submitted him.

And then he basically just disappeared. A nearly unbeatable monster who was actually pretty solid on the microphone for a foreigner. Instead of just grunting, he was at least able to convey anger and how easily he could crush Americans. To boil him down, he was basically a better on the mic, but not quite as good in the ring version of Rusev. And really, worse in-ring skills are the norm for this era of wrestling, as the technical skills of guys is leaps and bounds better today than it was 20 years ago. Despite all of this, after he left WWE in early 1995, he never again worked for another major wrestling promotion.

Despite having brief careers in mixed martial arts, boxing, and even in Finnish Parliament, he struggled with both alcohol and mental illness and committed suicide in 2010 at the age of 47. The saddest thing about this is that it doesn't count as any sort of surprise to me. Growing up following pro wrestling, early deaths are the norm, and it's more shocking that some former wrestlers have made it as long as they have.

Borga's abrupt ending in pro wrestling mirrored his own and many other pro wrestlers' lives, so we can still appreciate their talent while the thought of "What if..." hangs in the back of our minds.

Paul Walker, We Hardly Knew Ye

I was at a wedding reception on Saturday when I heard the news. A friend texted me that he didn't want to ruin my night, but Paul Walker died in a car crash. At first, I thought it was ridiculous that this would somehow alter my night, but it did kind of hit me. I don't know Paul Walker in any significant way outside of his roles as Lance Harbor, Dean Sampson, and Brian O'Conner. The latter role has had a much larger impact as the last two Fast movies have been two of my favorite movies ever made.

What may have been most interesting is what followed when I heard the news. Despite hearing from a friend that some media outlets (mainly TMZ) were reporting his death, I wasn't totally convinced (and neither was he, for that matter). I quickly tried to confirm the news as there were varying reports on whether it was a hoax or whether it was true. Finally, the evidence piled up and it appeared that it was true. The bad part of the internet is that death hoaxes are prevalent, but the good part is that you can actually confirm the truth. The internet definitely didn't invent the death hoax as there are still people out there that think the original Ultimate Warrior is dead, but there has only been one, and he's alive and making insane YouTube videos.

There is no doubt that this was sad. Outside of the most awful people in the world, anytime someone dies young, it is a sad occurrence. I am bummed out by this news, but only in the most selfish of ways. They were currently filming Fast 7, and had already signed on for 8, 9, and 10. I love those movies (Fast Five is the only movie I have ever seen twice in the theaters), and even if they follow through on all of them, it won't be the same without PW involved. I didn't know Paul Walker, so I can't really vouch for him as a person, but I never heard anything bad about him. And with the overreporting on Hollywood stars, that is an accomplishment in and of itself.

So good for you, Paul Walker. Between Varsity Blues, She's All That, and the Fast and Furious franchise, you have been in some fantastic films. And the good news is that in Heaven, you won't tear your ACL, you'll win the bet to make sure that nerdy girl never becomes Prom Queen, and you can rest easy that Dom didn't let you win, you won it fair and square.

Al Davis Was More Inspirational Than Steve Jobs

I learned something very interesting this past week. It seems like half the people I know had some sort of personal relationship with Steve Jobs. This was amazing, because I wouldn't think that a billionaire would have that many friends in common with me, but apparently I was wrong. All over Twitter, Facebook, and even Black Planet, people mourned the loss of Steve Jobs. I, unlike most of the people I know, did not have a personal relationship with Steve Jobs. I'm pretty sure that he started Apple, but I have never felt the urge to thank him for that. I thanked him with my money when I bought my one Apple product, an iPod Nano. I am happy with this purchase as we have spent nearly two years ago, and it works almost all the time despite me repeatedly dropping it over these past two years. It's obviously bad that he died, and especially since he died at a younger age than the average American, but outside of the two minutes I have spent writing this paragraph, it has had no real effect on my life.

On the other hand, I was saddened to see a true legend die when Oakland Raiders Owner, Al Davis, passed away. I had no personal relationship with Al Davis, but this man should be an inspiration to everyone. Was Al Davis a good person? Honestly, no, and I don't think that Al Davis would ever consider himself a "good" person, but that doesn't mean he wasn't an amazing person.

Al Davis was a snake, and he'd be the first person to tell you that. He would do anything to win, and that is why he was so successful. This weekend, people were listing his accomplishments of being a coach, commissioner, owner, and a whole lot of other things, but I don't think most people took the time to realize what that actually meant. Al Davis was not a self-made man, he was a self-made icon, and there is zero chance of anybody pulling off what he was able to do in professional football.

He started off in coaching, and quickly worked his way up to head coach of the Raiders. Then he became a general manager, and he became so successful that he worked his way into having an ownership stake in the team. He then tricked one of the other owners into giving him the option to buy them out behind the other owner's back, and eventually strong-armed his way into the controlling owner of the team. The other owner tried to sue him, but it was too late, Al Davis was too smart and diabolical to be stopped from owning the Raiders.

I'm obviously giving a very brief description of what happened, but the above paragraph is absolutely baffling to me. Bill Belichick is probably the most powerful coach in the NFL today, and in your wildest imagination, could you imagine him taking the ownership away from Robert Kraft? There is no god damn way that could EVER happen. But Al Davis seriously pulled that off.

I would have loved to have been friends with Al Davis, but I would have shit my pants had I been his enemy. Al Davis was seen as a punchline late in his life as his personnel moves had not been working like they had been in the past, but he created successful teams in the 70s, 80s, 90s, and early 00s. And it's a shame he passed away when he did, because it looks like the Raiders are back on the road to respectability again.

Steve Jobs passing was seen as a much bigger deal, and that's not surprising at all. Apple is a far bigger brand than the Oakland Raiders, and Steve Jobs had far more money than Al Davis. Steve Jobs went into computers and rose to the top, but Al Davis chose the football business while also reaching the top. But know one thing, had Al Davis chosen the computer business, you would still know the name Al Davis, but you would have no clue who Steve Jobs was. Al Davis was committed to excellence, and he lived his life with one simple motto, "Just win, baby."

Now that's an inspiration.

-Joe

P.S. Mexico may be ahead of the US in progressive ideas towards marriage. A two-year marriage license, cut it down to two months, and I might lose my fear of commitment.

Every Animal Will Kill You

I just finished an excellent book called Deadly Kingdom by Gordon Grice. It's excellent in that it's a really good read that is both entertaining and educational. It's also the scariest book that I will ever read in my life, because I now know that every single animal that has ever existed is trying to kill me in its own unique way. I mean, I knew a lion or a polar bear would probably be favored in a fight with me, but there is no animal out there that couldn't kill me. Check out some of these random facts.

Hyenas have the strongest pound-for-pound jaws of any animal, you know what that means? It will crush your skull when it tries to and successfully kills you.

Think you're safe in the water? Ha, you stupid fool. The orca is the most dangerous animal in the world. I'm not sure if the Titanic ran into an iceberg; I'm pretty sure that an orca ran into it, and crushed the thing. Those people didn't die in the water, they died in an orca's stomach.

An ostrich kick can tear you from your pelvis to your sternum.

Even the animals that I could easily kill in combat will still find a way to kill me.

Sure a frog can't kill me, unless I eat it.

Maybe I could eat a random exotic Japanese fish, but that fish is poisonous and it will probably kill me.

In fact, pretty much any animal that I thought was not dangerous has some sort of venom in it that will kill me.

There are things in the water that will swim in your urethra and you'll have to have surgery to get it out.

At least small bugs like grasshoppers aren't dangerous, right? Wrong again. They will eat every crop around by having swarms in the billions and the fact that they can eat their body weight in a single day.

You can't crush a flea with your fingers.

At least with big animals, people will respect you for going out like a man. It's the small ones that scare the shit out of me. Go swimming in a river, and a worm will crawl into your eye. When it gets done making you blind, it will probably crawl back to your brain and kill you. Flies seem pretty harmless, except they can attack you in such a swarm to suffocate you. Well, at least ants aren't scary as you can just step on them. Oh yeah, one time a lady had surgery and while she was recovering from the anesthesia, ants ate out her eyeball and killed her.

So yeah, I highly recommend reading the book, because it's awesome, but I am now terrified of every living creature out there. So that's healthy.

-Joe

P.S. Here's a guy on fire, because people on fire are far more interesting than people not on fire.