Ultimate Warrior in WCW: What Went Wrong?

Ultimate Warrior is one of the greatest wrestling characters in history. No, he was not the most technically gifted performer, but that didn't take away from the fact that he was totally awesome. He was not a totally awesome as a person, because, really, his thoughts on homosexuals is still far more offensive than Hulk Hogan saying a racial slur in private (neither is good). There are so many things you can talk about with the Ultimate Warrior, but I would like to focus on the most stupid one: His late career run in WCW. Spoiler alert: It was so bad.

WCW had one goal when they brought in the Ultimate Warrior, and that was to play to all of his weaknesses. The Ultimate Warrior was never very good at speaking.

The WWE did their best to hide this weakness by only letting him do backstage promos for 30 second stretches where he could just be super energetic without having to actually make sense in anything that he said.

Of course, WCW gave him live promos where he was forced to give long, drawn out speeches. Ultimate Warrior's schtick worked best in quick bursts of nonsense, long diatribes of nonsense only worked great at killing a crowd. So his debut definitely involved Warrior going on for twenty minutes where he accused Hulk Hogan of shitting his pants. Grade A work.

Ultimate Warrior wasn't really a wrestler, at least not a competent one; he was a body. The WWE displayed that body, and even though the Warrior had lost some size later on in his career, he was still jacked by any measurement. Still, the WCW put him in jeans, a duster, and wrestling boots. Ultimate Warrior's greatest attribute as a professional wrestler was just looking like The Ultimate Warrior. WCW decided to cover him up.

Finally, Ultimate Warrior had one of the best entrances in pro wrestling history. They gave him metal music and had him sprint down to the ring. Instead they made this his theme, and gave him a trap door to rise into the ring from. So instead of sprinting in, kicking ass, and sprinting out, he came through a trap door and escaped through a trap door like a coward. Ultimate Warrior should never be using nefarious ways to escape; he should be clotheslining his way out of every situation. In fact, that is how WCW should have brought him back. Just send him to every day activities, and have him clothesline his way through DMV lines, body press a car to change a tire, and give a big splash to a tarantula. That would have been awesome.

He only had three matches, and only one singles match. We'll start there with the most overbooked match in wrestling history, Hogan vs. Warrior II, Electric Boogaloo. It was two wrestlers who were well past their prime, who were never known for their in-ring work, and they tried to recreate magic from nearly a decade earlier. It did not go well. There was the flame paper that Hogan tried to throw at Warrior, and that, uh, didn't come close to working properly. Then, Hogan won the match with help from Horace, who had just left the flock to be outed as Hogan's nephew. Honestly, by that point, I think everyone in the crowd was just happy it was over.

The second match Warrior had actually could have been cool as he tagged with his old tag partner, Sting, to take on Bret Hart and Hulk Hogan. I say it could have been cool had they actually had four of the most popular professional wrestlers in history just have a match, because by just having those guys out there, the crowd would have been way into it. Instead, they managed to put on one of the worst tag matches ever. Sting got beat up for five minutes, finally made the tag to Warrior, who never took off his stupid airbrushed duster jacket and cleaned house until the nWo interfered a minute later. Then Warrior filled the ring with smoke so he could escape.

His final match was a 3 on 3 on 3 match where he was on Team WCW with Roddy Piper and DDP to take on Team nWo Black and White with Hogan, Bret Hart, and Stevie Ray, and nWo Wolfpack with Kevin Nash, Lex Luger, and Sting. Yes, Sting, the ultimate WCW guy, was in that weird stage where he just up and decided he was no longer brooding, and wore red face paint. It was a 25 minute match, and Warrior was out there for three minutes, but they at least finally let him run down to the ring, and the crowd went crazy for it. He also tore apart the cage to get to Hogan, which would eventually lead to...nothing. Warrior was never seen or heard from again.

Ultimate Warrior's run in WCW was one giant missed opportunity. You were never going to recreate the magic of WrestleMania VI, but they could have still done some really fun things with him. Instead, they played to his weaknesses and let that initial excitement turn to apathy. It was almost a relief when Warrior disappeared, especially since he didn't need a trap door to do it.

The 5 Worst Impostors In Wrestling History

Wrestling is known for larger than life characters that mostly appeal to children. Since I am basically just a 31-year-old child, I can still fully enjoy the spectacle of it all. But with those larger than life characters, there are inevitably impostors. And the impostors are inherently shitty. These five are remembered for sucking ass, and not a whole lot else.

5. Underfaker
Fake Undertaker was played by Brian Lee, and they did a fairly good job of finding someone of comparable size with the real Undertaker. The problem is trying to wrestle like The Undertaker, who combines the rigidness of a a dead man with the smoothness of an excellent big man professional wrestler. Another thing that helped him is that his run was mostly just one very bad match at SummerSlam, so he didn't stick around long enough to produce much vitriol.

4. Fake Diesel
Fake Diesel, along with another wrestler we will address later, are probably the most well known impostors in wrestling history. It was a garbage idea that was awful from the beginning and continued to be awful throughout its entire run. But they didn't ask Fake Diesel to talk very much, and honestly, it's not like Fake Diesel was a poor wrestler. He was probably less athletic than Diesel, but later in his career, he became a much better wrestler. He is remembered as being far worse than he actually was.

3. Fake Sting
Fake Sting was better than most of the people on the list, as they at least recognized that, yeah, this guy is a ripoff of the real Sting. Sure, they couldn't tell at first, because my 150 pound ass could have walked out in crow face paint, and the WCW roster would have assumed that I was the real Sting. Fake Sting probably had the biggest impact of any of these impostors, as he was the reason Sting went to Crow Sting since WCW turned their back on him. Wrestling wise, he was totally fine, but he obviously lost a lot of his luster once he was known as Fake Sting, especially since Larry Zbysko was able to use his famous Smell Puns and call him Stink from the New World Odor.

2. Fake Razor Ramon
As I mentioned earlier, Fake Diesel wasn't that bad of a version of Diesel. I mean, it was still a rip-off, but outside of being part of one of the worst ideas in wrestling history, it was fairly mundane. Fake Razor Ramon was soooooooooooo bad. I mean, real Razor Ramon was an American pretending to be latino, and Fake Razor was doing a bad impersonation of that while looking like a shorter, bloated version of the real Razor Ramon. It was an unbelievably bad combination, and the WWE quickly realized that Scott Hall was kind of an important part of that whole Razor Ramon gimmick working.

1. Renegade
He is the only guy that managed to not take the name of who was impersonating, but it was so painfully obvious who he was impersonating. The key word being painful, because man, he was the poorest man's version of Ultimate Warrior imaginable. The Ultimate Warrior only worked, because he was totally jacked and brought a ton of energy. The WCW decided to use a smaller, less energetic, not in great shape, version of Ultimate Warrior. He never got close to getting over, but they still gave him a title, so good for him for doing more than most people in wrestling. And I will also give credit to WCW for ending his importance by somebody rubbing the face paint off of him and him realizing that he sucks. He was able to console himself by having fun on the beach.

I'm Still Mad About Roddy Piper Beating Hulk Hogan At Starrcade 96

I just finished up all the WCW Monday Nitros on WWE Network. First off, WWE, put up at least 1997, because being stuck at this stage is just killing me. It is killing me, because I just watched Starrcade 96, and Roddy Piper somehow got a clean victory where he put Hollywood Hogan to sleep. That is literally the most embarrassing way to lose a match. I thought I remembered this happening, but nearly 20 years later, I was still sick to my stomach watching Piper go clean over Hogan.

Piper is no doubt a legend in pro wrestling, but trying to build up Piper as Hogan's equal is the most asinine comparison in wrestling history. No wrestling fan in history ever saw Piper as Hogan's equal. There are so many guys that would be brought up as Hogan's rival in those days before Piper: Savage, Warrior, Flair, and Andre are at least worthy adversaries. Since Hogan was King of WWE at that time and Piper never had a singles feud against him, he's more on the level of guys like Mr. Perfect. That is not meant as an insult as both Piper and Mr. Perfect were incredible talents that had a ton of influence on the pro wrestling as a whole.

And it's not like Piper was ever a great champion. Yes, he did have the Intercontinental Title, a belt held by guys like Macho Man Randy Savage, Rick Rude, and the Ultimate Warrior. Of course, the title had taken a major step backwards by the time Piper won it, as he beat The Mountie to take the title. That's right, The Mountie.

I think Pat Patterson's win in that tournament in Brazil is a more legitimate run than Piper had. Credit where credit is due, Piper did have a nice run in the NWA where he won the US Title back when that title really meant something, but it never meant nearly as much as any of Hogan's title reigns.

Weirdly, the match wasn't for the title, which I'm not even sure was good, because it meant that the victory meant nothing except for Piper calling himself an icon in every sentence he spoke for the rest of his time in WCW. It was so brutal that I am getting physically ill bringing these memories back. This was well past the point where Piper brought his A-game on the microphone, and Hogan was rarely effective in public speaking, so it lead to a lot of moments that are tough to watch.

Piper may have been great, but he never deserved a clean victory over Hogan (he probably didn't even deserve a dirty win over Hogan). But credit where credit is due; They Live is one of the great films of the 1980s, and that will always give Piper a special place in my heart.

If you're looking for a tl;dr version of this story, this video perfectly sums it up:

Rick Rude Is The Most Underrated Wrestler In History

Everybody remembers Rick Rude, but I'm not sure people remember how great Rick Rude was. I'm honestly not sure if there was a better heel during his era, as it was impossible to cheer for Rick Rude. He was better than everybody else, and there was nothing more that he loved to do than shove that fact right down their throats. Still, he is not remembered for being as great as he was, and now that Macho Man is in, Rick Rude is definitely the most deserving person to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame.

The guy had it all. Rick Rude was amazing on the mic. In his debut match, he set the tone for what his schtick would be:

Sweathogs is an insult that is not used nearly enough. It elaborates enough on a simple pig comment by not only saying you look like a hog which takes care of fat and ugly, but you both look and smell disgusting with the sweat added in. Underrated in this clip is Vince McMahon commenting on Rude as he disrobes, "Well, pretty good abs, traps not too bad," and then the camera flashes to a fat kid, and McMahon gets completely flustered. It's all perfect.

And then, after his match, he kisses a woman so passionately that she faints from the experience. If I had a nickel for every time that happened to me...I would have like 25 cents, although I think the girls may have just pretended to pass out to prevent any funny business. Either way, I'm a helluva kisser. Underrated part of after the match is that Rick Rude would then stand over the woman and gyrate his hips. I really should have tried that maneuver to show the ladies that I'm a bonafide stud.

But it wasn't just on the mic that Rude was a stud, as he could flat out wrestle. He succeeded in WWE, WCW, and in Japan while excelling in every style. This man could not only have great matches with other great wrestlers; he managed to not only get a good match but good matches out of the Ultimate Warrior.

That alone should be enough to make him a Hall of Famer. And the guy was a heel through and through. Rude used to just flex his ass in the middle of the ring or gyrate his hips and get boos rained down on him. He was a total heel in that every bit of his offense made you think this was a bad guy. It was full of headlocks and sleepers and punches to the gut. That slow offense makes it impossible to cheer for a guy. But even when he would add some flash and hold suplexes, there was always that little bit of him showing off that made people hate him.

Oh yeah, and the man loved to show ass. There is nobody in history that got depantsed more than Rude.

And although he never became World Champion in the WWE, he did manage to do it in the WCW.

He not only beat Flair for the title, but he also managed to make out with one of Flair's many different women. As far as I know, he may be the only guy who can claim the latter. He had an incredible career where he not only managed to look great, but he always made his opponents look great as well. After finally becoming a World Champion, he actually never lost the title. Unfortunately, he injured his back in a freak accident in a match against Sting in Japan and was forced to retire. But Rick Rude was pure money both in and out of the ring.

That being said, had he just gone to the ring in his custom made tights, he still would probably be one of my 20 favorite wrestlers of all time. Here are the top five things that Rick Rude had airbrushed on the front of his tights:
5. His Face

It's an incredibly great way to peacock. I mean, if Mystery is armed with a top hat and a boa, you're going to blow him out of the water with custom made tights with your face on the front. A great pickup gambit would be asking a girl to kiss you on your airbrushed lips.

4. Championship Belt

Since you can't wear your title belt at all times, it is best to just airbrush it on there to let the ladies know that anytime you put on your pants, you're a champion. They'll learn later that when you take off your pants, you're even more of a champion.

3. Regis and Kathie Lee's Faces

Yep, just Rick Rude making a woman pass out from the passion of his kiss, and then showing off Kathie Lee's airbrushed face on his front side, while using his backside to make Regis animated when he flexed his ass. This is a very boss maneuver for whenever you are invited on to a talk show, and I think more people should follow Rick Rude's lead.

2. His Opponent's Face

I mean, how demeaning is that? Just your face is right on his dick. That has to be one of the most alpha maneuvers anyone can possibly pull off.

1. His Opponent's Wife's Face

This is the most alpha maneuver. His opponent had a woman? Yeah, Rick Rude's going to put that woman's face right over his dick. Imagine somebody doing that to you. If somebody put my wife's face on their pants, I'd have no choice but to fight them. Like, I couldn't just let them keep wearing those pants. But man, if I saw somebody doing that to somebody else's wife, I would applaud that dude for the gumption. Basically, I am just saying that this is one of the greatest heel maneuvers ever, and I really want a wrestler to bring it back.

After his wrestling days were over due to a back injury, he still had one of the most memorable moments of the Monday Night Wars when he showed up on both shows at the exact same time. Since Raw was pretaped every other week, Rude was there for the taping, but his contract ended and he showed up on a live episode of Monday Nitro.

Yeah, if this isn't 100% the reason that Rude isn't in the WWE Hall of Fame, then it is at least 99% of the reason. He not only screwed over WWE, but then he buried them on their competitor's show. A couple years after this, Rick Rude died at the age of 40 from heart failure. He was a wrestler in the 80s and 90s, so he undoubtedly lived a hard life, but one that still ended far too soon.

Basically, if I was going to be a pro wrestler, I would want to be Rick Rude. Great look, great mustache, and could live like a heel in every aspect of life. Rick Rude's one of the greatest wrestlers of all-time; he's criminally underrated, and WWE needs to put him in the Hall of Fame immediately. It's long overdue for an all-time great.

Tatanka Was The WWE Superstar Made For Kids

When Tatanka debuted, he was my jam. I loved Tatanka. Like, he may have been my favorite wrestler when he first came on the scene. That statement sounds insane, but looking back on that era, it really is not surprising at all. It was right around the steroid scandal, so Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior weren't around. Macho Man was more of an announcer than a wrestler, but even then, Macho Man appealed to adults more than he ever appealed to kids. Although I thought Sting was cool, I was a WWE kid, so my other options for a favorite wrestler included Lex Luger, Bret Hart, and...I don't know, Doink, I guess?

So I was a huge mark for Tatanka. He was honestly built to be a child's favorite superstar. He had some face paint, what I thought was a cool haircut, a super annoying scream that was incredibly fun to yell as a child (I'm positive that I did it thousands of times, and if I brought it up with my siblings or parents, they would likely respond with a groan), and most importantly, he psyched up when he was getting beat down. The psych up was the greatest thing from wrestling's past, because now wrestling crowds are too cynical for it to work, but seriously, there is nothing that appeals to a child more than reaching that level of invincibility.

On top of all of that, it took forever for Tatanka to lose a match. It was really easy to love Tatanka. Tatanka was a great gimmick, as it gave a kid like me everything I wanted in a pro wrestler. Looking back, he was not as great as I remember. He left a lot to be desired in the ring and never truly impressed outside of the ring either. But that's me looking at him as an adult. As a child, I can totally see why I loved the guy. It's a guy like Tatanka that makes me look back fondly at simpler times when I could just enjoy the most basic aspects of sports entertainment. So Tatanka, this one's for you...

YEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYEYE YE YE YE YE YE YE YE!

Finn Balor Is a Can't Miss Superstar

NXT is probably the best wrestling show since WCW Monday Nitro (the early years). Literally, everyone who gives it a shot immediately falls in love with it and is hooked. It's referred to as WWE's Developmental System, but it is really more WWE's Independent Wrestling Show. It's a small arena, rare traveling, and extremely colorful characters that are perfect for NXT but may not yet be ready to translate to the big stage.

One guy, more than anyone else on the NXT roster, who is ready for the big stage is Finn Balor. Now I guess I should just get this out of the way. Balor is awesome in the ring, but that doesn't really separate him from a lot of guys in NXT with Hideo Itami, Sami Zayn, and Kevin Owens around, in-ring talent is not an issue for many guys at that level. The thing that truly separates him is charisma. Finn Balor demands your attention.

Although I love Sami Zayn, nobody has anything close to what Balor has with "The Beast." That crazy full body paint and creepy crawl to the ring will make him an instant hit with any child, and honestly, even as a 30-year-old adult, I think it's pretty cool too. But kids love face paint, so the whole design is going to make them think he's the coolest thing to ever be in a WWE ring. I remember being a child, and I loved all face paint guys, Ultimate Warrior, Sting, Tatanka, and even Great Muta were all some of my favorites, and I don't think them all having face paint was any sort of coincidence.

I was there for WrestleMania weekend, and even at Axxess, everybody stopped to watch Balor, both in his entrance and then his matches. Then, the crowd blew up when he came out in full "Beast" mode at the live NXT show on Friday night. Finn Balor has a presence to him, and just as much as his wrestling, that will translate when he moves up to the main roster.

Where guys like Sami Zayn might be a huge superstar, there is no doubt with Balor. Finn Balor will be a huge superstar. He's got everything it takes, and he is already WWE's golden ticket to a main event superstar.

Still, I wouldn't mind seeing him stick around the best weekly hour of wrestling for a while longer.

Hulk Hogan Was Actually A Great Wrestler

Hulk Hogan is seen by most as one of, if not the single greatest professional wrestler of all time. He truly changed the game and helped pro wrestling get mainstream acceptance. Sports Illustrated covers, movies, appearances on all the daytime and late night talk shows, none of those things were happening without Hulk Hogan's larger than life physical appearance and personality.

Despite all of that, it is commonly accepted that Hulk Hogan was terrible in the ring. It is fairly easy to dismiss Hulk Hogan's in ring ability, as he has a limited moveset, and the power of Hulkamania is based off of irrationally being able to bounce back from anything to become invincible late in a match. The other thing that kills him is that Hulk Hogan kept wrestling far longer than he should have, and his performance in the ring got worse and worse as the years wore on. Even early WCW Hogan wasn't nearly as good as WWF Hogan, and he had another run in WWE that was especially bad.

Recognizing all of that, Hulk Hogan wasn't bad in the ring; in fact, he was pretty great. Hulk Hogan may have not had a lot of moves, but he knew how to get the most out of the moves that he did. Everything Hogan did in the ring was oozing with charisma. His atomic drop seemed to break asses. His big boot was enough to put down any opponent. Nobody made a bodyslam feel bigger than Hogan, and it is not even close. Also, his early era legdrop was as good as it gets as he was actually young and athletic enough to jump instead of just drop. When he Hulked up, it gave fans chills; I know it gave me chills, and that matters.

Also, Hulk Hogan's matches are still rewatchable. Hogan vs. Andre, Hogan vs. Savage, and Hogan vs. Warrior are matches that I can watch 25 years later, and I'll still be able to watch and enjoy 50 years later. Wrestling is not just about doing flips and doing amazing physical things, it is also about the delivery, and Hogan's Hulk Up was delivered perfectly to get the maximum response from anyone watching. It may not be flashy, but it is an essential part of being an effective in ring performer.

My only big issue with him is that he would always put his feet straight up in the air right when someone started their pin which telegraphed that he was going to kick out. Had he not done that, it would have added to the drama, but showing vulnerability was never Hulk's strength, and give the man credit; he played to his strengths. On a smaller scale, Hogan had the worst chair shots in the history of wrestling.

And remember how I said those late WWE years for Hogan were especially bad. That is totally true, and yet one of my favorite matches with Hogan was his match against The Rock at WrestleMania 18. The Rock was supposed to be the good guy; Hogan was supposed to be the bad guy, but by sheer force of personality, the crowd decided that Hogan was their guy. Even though he was physically well past his prime, he still got the absolute most out of himself to put on an amazing match for the fans.

If that's not great pro wrestling, I don't know what is.

Sensational Sherri Is the Greatest Woman in Pro Wrestling History

Pro wrestling, as a whole, has never been very progressive when it comes to its treatment of women. Even today, "Divas" are unimportant at best and are usually seen as a nuisance. Very few women have been able to rise above that level, but there are a few outliers. The Fabulous Moolah was probably the first, Trish Stratus and Lita managed to do it during the Attitude Era, and AJ Lee has had her moments as well. As great as these women have been, for my money, there's nobody that can top Sensational Sherri.

She was a manager that mattered. She was able to increase the importance of who she was managing while still letting the wrestler be the star. Her best run was definitely in the WWE where she took over Miss Elizabeth's role as Macho Man's manager and somehow kept pace with Macho Man during his promos. That alone makes her a Hall of Famer, because Macho Man was the most amazing combination of charisma, creativity, and insanity.

Macho Man would be the star in any pairing, but she added to the reasons to boo the man who was then known as the Macho King. After getting sent to the curb when Macho King lost a retirement match to the Ultimate Warrior where Savage reunited with Miss Elizabeth, she became the original singer of the greatest wrestling theme music of all time, "Sexy Boy," as she managed Shawn Michaels.

Everybody remembers HBK as a guy who was amazing in the ring and compelling outside of it, but he had to work up to that point. He was always good in the ring, but he got better when he became a singles star and had to put on full matches consistently. On the mic, he was pretty weak early on. He kind of reminded me of Dolph Ziggler in that you could see the potential, but there was something that was just a little off where he didn't quite get the reactions that he should have. Sherri truly was Sensational as the crowd absolutely despised her and she brought Shawn up a level as his manager.

Although her WCW career did not always keep her in the main event scene, she made a pretty amazing impact at her debut at Clash of the Champions. It was a mystery who she would be supporting, and it wasn't until the main event where she came out in Sting face paint to show her support for WCW's top babyface in his match to unite the World Titles against Ric Flair. Late in the match, Flair pulled Sherri in front of him and Sting accidentally hit her. Sting was concerned, and Flair rolled him up for the pin. She then revealed that her and Flair were in it together all along. Sting got mad, Flair cheapshotted him, and Sherri leg dropped his nuts. Hulk Hogan came out to restore order, but Sherri slapped him in the face and escaped the ring before he could do anything about it (Side note: The entire time that Hogan was in the ring with Sherri, Jimmy Hart was screaming "Hit her" into his megaphone. That probably wouldn't fly today). Overall, it was a pretty awesome performance from the woman who was now known as Sensuous Sherri.

Just as impressive as her ability to help elevate the person she managed, her ability to get her ass kicked during matches and just bounce back like she was a legitimate fighter meant that she was on her own level as a woman in wrestling. She would take bumps from the likes of Hogan, Ultimate Warrior, and the aforementioned Sting, but that would just knock her down, and she wouldn't magically go unconscious for an hour like most women in wrestling. She got back up to cause more havoc. She was strong enough to choke Hogan during matches, and she actually got credit for hurting men instead of just distracting them. Hell, she even jumped off a cage in WCW to deliver a double axe handle to Hogan. After that, she handcuffed Mr. T, but then took an uncomfortable amount of offense from Hogan. It was pretty rad.

Sherri Martel had many nicknames through her time in pro wrestling, Sensational and Scary being the most notable. And both of those were fitting. The latter, because she could actually do damage to those who opposed the wrestler she managed. And the former, because she was likely the greatest woman in the history of wrestling. She truly was Sensational.

Support Independent Wrestling

So I went to a local wrestling show this past weekend, and I cannot recommend doing something anymore than I recommend doing this. Seriously, support independent wrestling. Is the wrestling top notch? No, definitely not. Is there still some cool wrestling that goes on? Absolutely. Is it worth the money? I paid $7, but I'll let you decide whether it was worth the money from the following stories.

Right when I walk in, I have people marking out for my shirt, which is a red, white, and blue, Ultimate Warrior logo shirt. We later learned that one of the guys complimenting my shirt was in the main event that night.

They had bench seating around the ring, and thank god I didn't take advantage of that. I was standing at a table, and a family got up off the bench right in front of me. There was one problem, the father was sitting on the end, and he was the last to get up from the bench. When the mother and daughter got up, their side of the bench flipped up, which means the Dad's side flipped down sending him to the concrete, hard. Luckily, he was fine, but it was still a complete clusterfuck as the people running the event tried to come up with a solution. They did eventually get it figured out.

One of the security guards was about 5'0" tall, and you could have easily convinced me that he was anywhere from 12-35 years old. And, oh man, did he get a massive power boner anytime he got to instruct the crowd to watch out. You would have thought a tank was about to roll through, when in reality, it was a shopping cart with a wrestler inside of it (seriously).

We got there a little late, but the matches that we saw early on were...not good. There were a lot of moves botched pretty badly, but this is a hobby for these guys, so it was fine. If you were looking for Sami Zayn vs. Antonio Cesaro, then you were going to be disappointed, but if you just wanted to sit back and be entertained, the matches did their job.

Huge props to the tag team that lost right before intermission. One guy was knocked out in the middle of the ring. His partner started pounding on his chest to revive him. Then, instead of mouth-to-mouth, he just poured a beer down his throat, and the dude was fully revived. They called it CPBR. If you aren't excited about the possibility of performing CPBRs with friends, then you must hate fun.

Oh shit, I almost forgot that Raven was there. Yeah, Raven was there. We thought that he had shaved his head, but it turns out that he just died his hair the same color as his skin, so it just kind of blended into his scalp.

Raven did commentary for the Raven's Rules (hardcore) Match. The most entertaining part of that was him calling out the guys anytime they didn't hit somebody hard enough. The highlights of the match were definitely each guy taking staples from a staple gun to the head. Also, there were tacks prominently involved in the match. There were two guys bleeding out of their foreheads for like 150 people. How cool is that? Trust me, it's awesome.

There was a tag match for the main event. Most of the match was pretty good; they messed up the ending, but shit happens. The funniest part of the match was that a girl tried to get a "Cut His Hair" chant going in the middle of the match and ran up to the ring with scissors. Unfortunately, she was supposed to wait until after the match was over to get that chant going, so one of the wrestlers had to shoo her away. But don't worry, folks, they did still cut his hair after the match. Although they used some dull scissors, and it looked like they were half cutting, half ripping out the guy's hair.

The highlight for my buddy and I was a guy standing next to us, who lives on three things...

Cigs, Dip, and Dew.

Throughout the entire night, this guy was blazing through cigarettes, spitting out chew like it was going out of style, and pounding his Mountain Dews to show that he was truly extreme. That alone was impressive to watch. On top of that, he seriously commented to me about how a local duo were a really good tag team. There was no sarcasm in his voice, no hint that it was staged, he admired their teamwork. It was still real to him, damnit.

Also, in the least shocking news possible, he was wearing a John Cena shirt.

On the opposite end of the shocking scale: No girlfriend. So ladies, trust me, your Prince Charming is out there.

If you don't think that is $7 worth of entertainment, there is something wrong with you. Support independent wrestling, you won't regret it.

Running Is Dumb

After a two-week hiatus due to the flu, I got back to running this past Saturday. The bad news is that running is dumb. The good news is that I am an idiot, and hoo boy, was I stupid on this run.

I never really set out a definite path or length for my runs, because I like to live my life with freedom and adventure (America!). This can lead to shorter runs, because during my run, I realize how stupid running is, or it can lead to longer runs, where my stupidity outweighs the stupidity of running, and I just keep going. My run was the latter.

It started out quite peacefully, temperature in the mid-50s, a little bit of wind, but nothing excessive. So I just strolled along. The one thing I do decide before my run is pick my music. It's usually happy music, rap from the late 90s early 00s, or heavy metal/Ultimate Warrior Inspirational speeches. Today was happy music, so I was at peace as I got my run on.

Things were going smooth for me early on in the run. I took a road with no sidewalks, but since it was early in the morning, cars were good about giving me my required three feet of space as they drove by. At about mile four, I saw this 50 year old dude running the other way across the street, and he was going at a good pace. Good for him, I thought, as I gave a friendly wave as we went our separate ways. Shortly thereafter, I heard a bike coming up from behind me so I got to the side as it got on my ass pretty quickly. Then, it turned out that it was just the 50 year old speed demon passing me by. This was the fastest human being alive. I am convinced he is like an Albino Kenyan. I have kept up with most people riding bikes better than I was able to keep up with him. He also had a jacket tied around his waist, and as he got further away, it had the effect of making him look like a superhero. I tried to pick up my pace, but I'm not sure if my Ford Escort could have kept up with him. To top it all off, we chatted a little as he flew by me, which led to him asking me if I was Canadian. I have no idea why he thought I was Canadian. I don't think I look Canadian. I don't think I sound Canadian. My best guess is that he overheard me listening to Alanis Morissette on my run and figured I was doing it for national pride. So, I got passed like a bitch and accused of being Canadian. That is the definition of complete ownage.

When I get completely owned, I need to get revenge. Since I was physically unable to catch The Human Bullet, I decided that I would run further than he did. Sure, he was out of sight, so I have no idea how far he ran, but as long as my heart believes that I ran further than him, I would be fine. A light sprinkle started which actually felt quite nice. This would not feel nice later on.

Like an idiot, I ran...and ran....and ran. The road was new to me, so I got distracted by the pretty trees with their leaves changing colors and the houses I had never seen before. My IQ drops to mentally handicapped when I run, so everything about the world turns truly wondrous for me.

As I entered my third town from my run, I thought, "Cool, let's keep running." I should have thought, "Probably time to head back." But I kept running. Then the road I was on ended, which was another sign to head back, but I saw the Interstate in the distance, so I decided to run on the shoulder of a highway as cars zipped by me. This was not concerning at all, because I was in my mental retardation state, so I was just thinking, "Wow, cars go VROOOM!"

I finally cross under the interstate and decide it is time to head home. My happiness subsides, and I realize that this is not going to be fun. The rain is no longer a sprinkle, as it is coming down pretty hard. About a mile into my adventure on the way back, Adele's "Set Fire to the Rain" gets me way too pumped. Because it's raining. And I'm running really hard, so it is like my feet are on fire. So I'm basically living the song out. And that's not feminine at all, it is totally badass, so I stand by rocking out to Adele.

I'm about halfway back, and it is absolutely pouring. A car pulls over to the side of the road, maybe because they are worried about my well-being. No, they just need directions. I barely know where I am, but I take their map and figure out where they need to go. I am proud of this good deed on my part, but I'm pretty sure they never found the place as they ignored my first direction of, "Turn around."

And on I went. I was completely drenched. I had to stuff my iPod down my underwear to try to save it from the rain. I consistently stepped in puddles filling my shoes with their own tiny, little puddles. Hills were nearly unbearable as I could barely lift my legs high enough to keep moving forward. And there was not enough Adele in the world to keep me pumped. Basically, it sucked.

After 17 miles, I finally stumbled home. I drank a glass of water and ate a banana in about 15 seconds. I then peeled off my clothes, which I think weighed about 10 pounds with all of the water weight, and took a hot shower. I then bundled up, covered myself with two blankets and shivered for the next half hour as I watched a wedding show, as I was too cold to change the channel.

Running is dumb. Don't ever do it...I wonder where I'll run next week.

The Falsities of College Football

Today, I perform a public service announcement. I am going to let you know about all the lies that are being spread by the national pundits. I figured I would at least give one note on every BCS Conference, although some things will be handled in more depth than others. So sit back, read on, and learn a few things about college football; it'll help you impress the ladies.


Marcus Coker Turned His Season Around During the Northwestern Game
No, he did it during the Penn State game. It's just that Penn State's defense is really good, and people like to judge running backs by their stats. But if you saw him run during that game, you saw the Coker that has been so obviously there during Iowa's last two games. He ran hard and was always falling forward. That is what the Hawkeyes need from Coker, and it all started against Penn State, not Northwestern.

The Big East Isn't a Giant Mess of Hot Garbage.
No, it is. Seriously, if the Conference USA and Mountain West can form a super conference, then the Big East should join with the MAC to create one giant mess of hot garbage. I don't understand how this is a BCS Conference.

Kirk Cousins is Such a Great Quarterback
False. This is so very untrue it is painful anytime I hear it. Does Kirk Cousins give nice speeches? Yes. Does he have crystal blue eyes? Yes, he definitely does. I cannot take either of these things away from him. Unfortunately, neither of these things matter when it comes to judging quarterbacks. He has looked awful this entire season. He makes bad decisions, he has bad ball placement, and overall, I do not trust him in any facet of the game. Was he 22/31 for 290 yards and 3 TDs against Wisconsin? Yes, and Wisconsin's defense is not good in any way. I was listening to the Solid Verbal podcast, and they made an excellent point about the final drive for Michigan State against Wisconsin. Kirk Cousins didn't look like a savvy leader rallying his troops; he looked terrified. Kirk Cousins did not win that game, special teams won that game.

Oklahoma State is the Team to Beat in the Big 12
Sorry OSU, but it's still Oklahoma. I know they have already lost a game in a pathetic effort against Texas Tech. But they are still the best team in the conference. They lost for one simple reason: No Tom Wort. Now most people don't see Wort as their best linebacker, and honestly, he's not, but he is their most ULTIMATE linebacker.

The Ultimate Warrior and him have a love affair going on, and with the power of the Ultimate Warrior behind the Sooners, they are basically an unstoppable force.

LSU Will Beat Alabama - Alabama Will Beat LSU
Anybody who is saying this definitively is out of their mind. Obviously one of these groups will be right, but that doesn't mean they know what they are talking about. It means they made the right guess. It is going to be a very good game, so don't act like you know what's going to happen. Just sit back and enjoy some good football.

Suck For Luck 
This has more to do with professional teams, but it does involve a college player in Andrew Luck, so I figured it would fit. No NFL team is sucking for Luck. I was on the Luck bandwagon after his Freshman year, because he's really, really good, but it doesn't take a genius to realize that. He is BY FAR the best quarterback prospect to come out of college in the last decade.

What people don't understand is that this doesn't mean he is going to come into the league and be a top-five quarterback. In fact, I will be very surprised if he does anywhere near as well as Cam Newton has done so far. Does that make Cam Newton a better QB? No, not in my opinion. Cam Newton has a unique skillset, and that will take NFL Defenses time to adjust to it, and because of that, I think Newton will struggle more as this season goes on.

Um, yeah, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, sucking for Luck. It makes no sense for a player to not try so they can get the first pick in the draft, because they might get replaced if they don't perform. It makes no sense for coaches to lose on purpose, because they will lose their job. Nobody is sucking for Luck.

And next year, nobody will be Losing More For Lattimore (And if I hear that expression next year, I will probably start cutting myself).

-Joe

P.S. Let's see how Jose Canseco is doing:
@JoseCanseco
Maybe I was the babe Ruth of the 80's
Just as I suspected, he's still doing great.

Ultimate Warrior's Fatherly Advice

So, The Ultimate Warrior tweets so fast that I can't keep up with everything that he says. Hence, about a month late, I would like to tackle his advice from Father's Day on how to be the ULTIMATE parent (you see what I did there?). I don't have kids, and I'm currently single, so unless something goes terribly wrong, I shouldn't have to worry about this type of stuff. Still, I think caring for a child is a lot like caring for a dog, so maybe I'll be inspired to get a puppy when all is said and done.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

Happy Father's Day to all the REAL dads who get that Fatherhood is more than an orgasm. Warrior handshakes to u. Big hugs to your kids. AB-W

Seems like a simple and effective message. Nice job, Warrior.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#2 Being their protector and provider. #3 Looking straight into their eyes when I explain something to them or disipline them.

Oh, you're doing a list. Well, I'm not sure if realizing that fatherhood is more than an orgasm or big hugs to your kids is the first piece of advice, but either way, hey, let's check out this list. I like this early advice of staring into their advice to show that you have no weaknesses. I recently had a child hit a tennis ball that hit me in a very sensitive area. I wanted to cry, but I did not cry. Never show weakness.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#4 Telling teachers who try to teach them p/c & morally relative ideas or try kill their unique creative individuality to back the F' OFF.

I love this advice, because as this blog makes pretty clear, I love freedom of speech, but I also like to imagine the look of terror on the teacher's face when The Ultimate Warrior tells them to "Back the fuck off." I would not blame them if they peed themselves.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#5 Reading my girls to sleep every night and then sitting in the candlelight watching them breath while they are asleep.

Can we use a Batman nightlight if we don't have candles? It's just my preference. And also, once I see that their nervous system does keep them breathing while sleeping, can I leave and play video games? I mean, the Bears aren't going to win a Super Bowl in real life, so I'd like to at least get it accomplished on Madden.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#6 Standing at the sink, cupping their tiny hands in my big ones, washing theirs for them. #7 Their smell. #8 Hearing them say, Daddy.

This is where we run into problems. Number six can be seen as advice for fathers, but #7 is most definitely not advice. He lost track of what he was listing and then just starts naming things that he likes about his children. Well, shit, Warrior, that isn't going to help me be a better father. And what if I'm born with a child who has no smell? Should I love him less? I'm not sure, because you stopped giving any fucking advice on the topic.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#9 Their groans when I make them eat their egg whites. #10 How they snuggle up in my lap half-way through every movie. #11 Tiny, soft kisses

And you won me back. Any parent who makes their child eat egg whites instead of eggs is so unbelievably awesome that I could never stay mad at them. And he also went back to advice since he subtly promotes feeding children egg whites. Personally, with most people's diets, the difference in cholesterol between eggs and egg whites probably isn't going to make a substantial difference, but it's something I'll keep in mind when looking for ways to subtly torture my children.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

#12 My daughter Mattigan’s wit and defiance-- like her mother’s. #13 My daughter Indiana’s concentration and intensity -- like who?
Do you mean like this guy?

I sure hope not, because if so, she's going to have a ton of brain damage.

And so wraps up The Warrior's fatherly advice. There was a lot of stuff in there, but I believe the important stuff is tell their teachers to fuck off, get a good nightlight, and feed them egg whites. Definitely feed them egg whites.

-Joe

P.S. This screenshot from LOLSlater is the only good thing that came from the Tori years.

Jose Canseco Does Not Learn From His Mistakes

I think through reading and writing about Jose Canseco, it is safe to say he is a simple person. I don't mean that in a demeaning way, but only as an illustrative point that he believes in the basic needs of life and his ultimate goal is to recapture the American dream that he once lived. Recently, he has felt betrayed by his loved ones, and I wanted to help, not only him, but the entire world learn from his mistakes.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
I made a total fool of my self for someone who never even cared about me .what an idiot I am

Well, I could have told you that putting Ozzie on the roster was a bad idea, but I don't think anyone thinks you're a fool for it. Also, had you not stopped him, I bet he would have posed as you in that boxing match, so I think you're overreacting when saying he doesn't care about you.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
I actually thought I was going to marry leila .what an idiot I am

Oh. That's the person you were referring to when you were talking about you looking like a fool. Um, Ozzie, I guess I owe you an apology. Just ignore everything I wrote at first. You're a very great independent league baseball player, and don't let anyone tell you differently. 

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 
I am looking for a wife anyone interested

This is not a well thought out plan. Jose Canseco is much more famous than me, but if I did this, I would have women lining up to marry me on the spot. And it's not just because I'm incredibly good looking. It's because if there's one thing I know about females, it's this: Bitches are crazy. Everybody thinks that women are interested in two things, marriage and babies. This is actually a misconception. Ladies love one thing, stuff. They just love to get stuff. When people get married, they get a bunch of stuff, when they pump out a little one, they get more stuff. This is all that ladies care about, so Jose, you've opened up a can of worms, I just hope you can shut it before it's too late.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
Love makes fools out of all of us especially me

Hey, it happens to the best of us. At least you have learned a valuable lesson. 

Wait a minute, what's that? No. It can't be. I know he learned something. This must be a mistake.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
Hi lady gaga guess who http://lockerz.com/s/110858376

God damnit.

-Joe

P.S. For lessons on how to tweet hard enough to give a dolphin a boner (more on that next week), learn from The Ultimate Warrior.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

Warrior God for ULTIMATE time. Demand is HIGH. Escort limited to pro-wrestlers wives. Reserve right to refuse service. No, HH. Linda, no.

Say what you want about The Ultimate Warrior, but a disparaging personal ad in 140 characters is pretty damn impressive. Bravo, Jim Warrior, bra-fucking-vo.

The Ultimate Warrior Now Has Twitter

To say the timing of my following of the Ultimate Warrior was fortuitous is a gross understatement of how perfectly that I timed this. Right after I announced that I was following The Warrior, he not only started posting videos like they are going out of style, but he has started a Twitter account. And like all things Ultimate Warrior, it's fucking amazing.

He started out his Twitter feed in the least surprising manner...by talking shit to Hulk Hogan.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

@HulkHogan4Real Karma is coming to collect Terry.

I really think that this was Ultimate Warrior's number one purpose for setting up a Twitter account. Hulk Hogan hasn't been acknowledging him as a threat, so he figured he'd let it be known that he is going to put a bullet in Hulkamania. But that's not all as he totally burned Hogan with another tweet.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

@OfficialHTM Absolute BS! Good to hear from you man. Stay active, passionate and healthy!! Hogan has no spine, no pun intended!

I'll admit, it took me a while to understand the "no pun intended" part of this tweet. I finally realized he was referring to Hulk's numerous back surgeries. Personally, I feel like instead of going with "no pun intended" a better way to end that tweet would have been with a "Hogan has no spine, literally!" To each their own.

But then Warrior got really steamed. Hulk Hogan had the audacity to block people who were talking shit to him on Twitter, which is completely unreasonable in the land of the Warrior. Twitter alone was no longer enough for The Warrior, he decided to go back to his trusted friend, YouTube to create this:

I've watched this video about two dozen times. Each time I am absolutely mesmerized. I love that he calls it a social networking party, and uses that to challenge Hulk Hogan's former partying days. I love that he says that Hulk Hogan has a womanly handshake. And I love that he tells Hogan that he and his Warriors are going to bust down the wall of his (theoretical social networking party) house if he won't let them through the (theoretical) front door. He then gives an awesome diabolical laugh to end the video. It's all phenomenal.

How do you top that? For normal beings, they wouldn't be able to. For the Warrior, it's a piece of cake. Yesterday morning, he topped his amazing video when he greeted his Twitter followers with this message:

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

Morning, warriors. Yesterday is gone. Forever. Today, you rip fresh ass.

I wish I had something insightful to say, but it would only alter the perfection of that tweet.

-Joe

P.S. Macho Man may have tragically passed away, but he lives on in the Where's Randy Savage tumblr. This photo is amazing.

P.P.S. Here's a good article on Clay Guida who has a really interesting fight against Anthony Pettis tomorrow. The first four paragraphs gave me a good laugh, because I can vouch that John Dodson has been doing ridiculous moves like that before Pettis ever did it in his match against Ben Henderson.

The Day The Madness Died

By now, I'm sure you have heard the tragic news that Macho Man Randy Savage has passed away after having a heart attack that led to a fatal car accident. Although this is tragic news, nobody can say it is all that surprising as wrestlers die early at an incredibly alarming rate.

Back in the old WWE (then the WWF), wrestlers led a life of excess that they simply can't get away with these days. Kevin Nash once said, “The thing that always kills me is people say wrestlers party like rock stars. I’m thinking, I’ve partied with rock stars. Rock stars don’t party anywhere near what wrestlers do. The quote should be that rock stars party like wrestlers…We partied like wrestlers and that was pretty much the pinnacle.” And that really was the life that wrestlers led. Cocaine, steroids, you name it, they almost definitely tried it and probably took it in excess.

But that's not the only reason that it's sad that Macho Man came through the business when he did. A lot of times people will talk about athletes who could have done much bigger and better things had they come along in a different era. The tweener in basketball, the undersized lineman in football, or the speedy slap hitter in baseball could have all had much larger impacts had they come around twenty years earlier, but it's a different game that they just didn't fit in. The interesting thing about Macho Man is he actually would have made a much bigger impact had he come around twenty years later.

This isn't to say he wasn't great, he most definitely was, but he could have been greater. His peak in the WWE came at a time where bigger was better, and he simply couldn't match the sheer girth of the WWE's biggest attractions. It was a time of unstoppable forces, from Andre the Giant, to Hulk Hogan, to Ultimate Warrior, it was a time of mediocre performers but who had an aura that made them seem larger than life.

Meanwhile, Macho Man was an incredible worker with great charisma, but never had the size to seem unstoppable. He won the title at WrestleMania IV in a 16-Man Tournament mostly because he was one of the few guys who could put on four good matches in a single night. His match at WrestleMania III against Ricky Steamboat is still considered one of the greatest matches of all time. His second title win came at WrestleMania VIII, but it was in the middle of the card, so Hulk Hogan could headline against Sid Justice.

But as great as he was, I keep thinking that he could have been greater. When I look at champions like Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, and Chris Jericho, it's hard to believe he wouldn't have been competing for the WWE Title for ten straight years had he just come along a little bit later.

But unlike most professional wrestlers, Macho Man didn't try to hang on to catch one last bit of glory. He was done as a full-time wrestler in 1999. He made a brief comeback in 2004, but had a disagreement with TNA and left after only a couple months. After that, he disappeared. No website, no Facebook, no Twitter; it was a big deal if you merely saw an updated picture of Macho Man on the Internet.

The only time he was really in the news these past seven years was when he remarried last year. The world saw some wedding photos and he fell back into his life of seclusion.

Almost all wrestlers hold onto the business for two reasons: The spotlight or the money. Macho Man didn't need either, and there's something very refreshing about that (especially as wrestling fans watch legends like Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair waste away on TNA Impact Wrestling each week). But as a wrestling fan, it's hard to not imagine a world where Macho Man came along 10-15 years later, because as great as he was, he could have been even greater.

-Joe

P.S. I didn't have a good space to talk about Macho Man's rapping career, but you can bet your ass that I still listen to those songs and have the best songs on repeat today in honor of him. Although, most are going to link to Perfect Friend, but I'd much rather listen to Macho Thang.

P.P.S. Yes, I do still have a talking Macho Man action figure hanging out on my dresser, and I'm proud of it.

Jose Canseco's Phone Number

So last night my brain nearly exploded, as Jose Canseco dropped this tweet on the world:

JoseCanseco If you guys want to talk to me on the phone call me at 310 862 6309. We can talk about anything,find out what's really going on in basball

Just so everyone knew it was real, he had a quick follow up:

JoseCanseco Call me you haters 310 862 6309 if you have the balls

Jose, are you questioning my testicular fortitude? You bet your ass I called that number immediately.

I know what everyone's thinking. If Joe and Jose talked, they are probably now best friends forever. When they hit the clubs, everyone will simply know them as "The New Bash Brothers." I completely agree that this is what should have happened.

Instead I got connected to something called My Fan Line. I have to give them a credit card number, and they charge it for each minute I talk to the celebrity. Now I have only browsed the website for about two minutes, but I cannot find the actual charges for any of this anywhere on the site. Also, I went to their Get Started page, and the only celebrities they had pictures of was Canseco and this guy:
I don't know who this is, so I'm gonna guess it is Shaggy. I don't remember what Shaggy looked like, but he seems like a guy who would smile on the beach as he played what appears to be a ukulele.

Part of the money goes to charity, which in Jose's case will probably be a very small amount. Jose decided to pick the most ridiculous charity possible as he selected B.A.T., and organization that helps out minor league baseball players. Just what we need, give money to potential millionaires. That seems like a worthy cause.

Despite this costing an unidentifiable amount, I'm not totally ruling out calling Canseco. Is this an extremely stupid waste of money for someone who is unemployed? Of course it is, but I have never lived my life by doing the "intelligent" thing. But I have decided that if I'm going to do it, I need to do it right. I need to come up with the most brilliant topics of conversation possible. So far, the best idea I have come up with is asking him to spell words. I'd basically like to give him a spelling test and publish the results. But there's so much potential with him, like:
Did Terry Steinbach juice?
Did it hurt when you assisted a home run with your head?
What's Hong Man Choi like in real life?
Who would win in a fight, you or the Ultimate Warrior?
Can we take steroids together sometime? And really, that would be about the coolest thing ever. Having a beer with the president would be neat, but having Jose Canseco put a needle in your ass, now that would be EPIC.

The list goes on and on, but I need the best and brightest (and by that I mean most hilarious) questions. I also need to do some research to see how much this is going to set me back. If you would like to donate to the cause or have a hilarious question, feel free to leave a comment on here, Facebook, Twitter, or e-mail. I'm accessible, as I have yet to set up my own Fan Line.

-Joe

P.S. I have to be a little weary of getting involved with My Fan Line after reading this.
OldHossRadbourn Hoss just tried calling J. Canseco and now I am stuck with a subscription to "Cross Stitch & Country Crafts" Magazine. I am not amused.

P.P.S. This totally seems like something I can convince one of my drunk buddies to put their credit card down on for our entertainment. Asay, I'm looking at you buddy.