The 10 Saddest #PerksOfDatingMe

The hashtags on Twitter are really what make it go round. Sure, you can find meaningful and interesting content producers on Twitter, but what fun is that? Hashtags encourage idiots to share their thoughts, and that is why it is such a great medium. Very few people sit around thinking about what the perks of a person dating them would be, but then they see #PerksOfDatingMe trending on Twitter, and it is damn near impossible for them to not share their thoughts on the subject. Here are 10 saddest #PerksOfDatingMe, because there really is no way to rank this sort of sadness.

#PerksOfDatingMe I promise to kiss you when you're in the middle of saying something, play with your hair, and love you till my last day
— The Outfielder Life™ (@OutfielderLife) December 27, 2012

I assume that many ladies would get really irritated by this. Imagine trying to explain something and every fourth word, this asshole starts kissing you while you're trying to talk. I assume that this guy gets kneed in the groin a lot.

#PerksOfDatingMe ill give you my hoodies 😘
— adam (@nolifeadam) December 27, 2012

Do people have nothing to offer these days? Are they such pathetic individuals that the best they can offer is their thickest clothing? That's the best you got? And what do you do after you have given your girlfriend all of your hoodies? She will be super warm, and you will be worthless to the world.

#perksofdatingme I'd rather just chill than go to a party every weekend
— Dylan (@Van0verbeke) December 27, 2012

Hey, ladies. You have friends? You like going out with them? This guy doesn't, so let him ruin your social life. You can spend every weekend on the couch and become stagnant pieces of shit, instead of, you know, living. Get in line for this one, ladies.

#perksofdatingme I will pull you up on stage with me and let the world know who you are and how much you mean to me.
— Jared Ballenger (@jaredballenger) December 27, 2012

...By murdering you in front of all of your family and friends. Remember ladies, he only does it because he cares so much about you.

#PerksOfDatingMe You wouldn't have to worry about me cheating because nobody else wants me.
— Jack Mull (@J4CKMULL) December 27, 2012

No shit, dude. You're a real downer. And why do people think that being undesirable is a quality? That is the opposite of quality. That's like bragging about never worrying about starvation, because you're willing to eat shit even though nobody else is. Jack Mull, you are the shit eating of the dating scene.

#perksofdatingme You need tampons babe ? You want ice cream too ? Tell me the brand and what kind and I'll be back in 20 minutes .
— Kennedy Christofer⚡ (@_CupOfPudding) December 27, 2012

This one really wore me down. A man can only read so much douchiness before it really makes him hate the world. There is so much that is pathetic about this tweet, but nothing will be sadder when he comes back with Playtex flavored ice cream and cherry pudding pops for her monthly.

#perksofdatingme When it's late at night, and we are texting, you're the only one I am texting ..everyone else can wait until tommarow
— Dream ChΔser™ (@ImKingOfThis) December 27, 2012

Text from Grandma: I think I'm having a heart attack. Please help.
Dream Chaser thinks, "That's nice G-ma, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow. I'm 'bout to text my boo about what type of buttons I should get on my jeans.

#perksofdatingme don't worry about changing the password on your phone. all your text already get sent to mine 😚
— Jesse Olmstead (@J_Olm21) December 27, 2012

Because all ladies want their man to have no faith in them to the point that they will break into their phone and then program it, so they can stalk them in both regular and cyberspace. This is the type of person who loves you so much that he will one day wear your skin.

#perksofdatingme I will only bring my parents on the first 5 dates ;) after that its just you me and my ... Grandma
— Marisa Riggins(@lilriggins) December 27, 2012

This one is not nearly as depressing as the others, but it really angers me, because she totally messes up the form of the joke. It should end with "After that, it's just you and me...and my Grandma." Ending it with and my... makes no sense. What should the guy expect you to say after that pause? Tits? Butthole? Credit Card? Nobody expects that. Learn how to properly form a joke.

#perksofdatingme If you treat me like a princess and respect me. You'll probably be the happiest man alive cause I'll treat you like a king”
— Quinetta Towachi (@AngelicaPikles) December 27, 2012

I know I have been having fun at these people's expense, but let's be real for a second. Quinetta, you poor thing. What you tweeted here is not good. If a guy treats you like a princess, and you treat him like a king. That means that you will be treating him like your Dad. Was he not around much? That's too bad, but calling your boyfriend Daddy and making him read you bedtime stories isn't going to change the past. Come on, let's take a step forward and never look back. You'll be better off for it.

UFC 155 Picks

Well, I haven't made fight picks in a while, so let's change all that and pick some money winners for UFC 155. It's not a great card, but it's solid, and seeing probably the two best heavyweights in the world square off should make for a good time for all. And to add another level to the fun, I will add a play on words for each of my picks. Where else are you going to find that sort of quality?

John Moraga (-170) over Chris Cariaso
Moraga has been tearing through fools lately, and his only loss is to the best flyweight in the world, John Dodson. Cariaso is a tough cookie, but I expect Moraga to chew through him on his way to a unanimous decision.

Todd Duffee (-350) over Philip De Fries
Duffee is back in the UFC and will probably a"salt" De Fries in the first round with a knockout.

Max Holloway (-375) over Leonard Garcia
Leonard Garcia is a gritty fighter, but the talent level seems to have passed him by. Unfortunately, after this second round TKO, Leonard will be saying Gar-seeya to the UFC.

Michael Johnson (-250) over Miles Jury
I really don't know much about Miles Jury, so this pick is coming from a place of partial ignorance. Johnson has looked impressive lately, so after this fight, the Jury will find Johnson guilty of a dominant decision win.

Erik Perez (-450) over Byron Bloodworth
Perez has torn through his two opponents in the UFC, and I do not expect that to change with this fight. Oh, there will be blood, but it will be Byron Bloodworth's, as he gets stopped in the first round.

Eddie Wineland (-120) over Brad Pickett
Wineland has struggled with wrestlers, but Pickett is from England, so the only wrestling he knows about involves William Regal. This should actually be a really fun fight to watch as I think both guys are going to throw down. Expect Wineland to crush Pickett like grapes in a decision victory.

Jamie Varner (Even) over Melvin Guillard
Shit, man, these are two guys that I hate predicting their fights, because they either dominate or completely shit the bed. I'm guessing that I'll be Smellvin Guillard's poopy pants when he gets caught in a submission in round one.

Constantinos Philippou (-110) over Tim Boetsch
Philippou has been dropping bombs on fools, but Boetsch seems like he is able to weather the storm and just keep coming. Still, absorbing punishment is never an ideal strategy for victory. Expect Philippou to be too much as he smacks that Boetsch up on his way to a decision win.

Jim Miller (-225) over Joe Lauzon
Miller does well when he can outwrestle his opponent, and he should be able to outwrestle Lauzon. Lauzon is a tricky dude, so I don't feel great about the pick, but this is most likely a run-of-the-Miller victory against J-Lau.

Derek Brunson (+140) over Chris Leben
I've never liked Leben, and he seems to have a lot of troubles outside of the octagon. With that many issues, it's hard to believe he still has the time to give the necessary training to keep improving. Brunson will do enough to have Leben looking like a real Munson in this fight.

Alan Belcher (-110) over Yushin Okami
Okami is really only impressive in the way he overpowers opponents. He has faced a lot of guys who were better served at welterweight. Belcher is a legitimate middleweight who has excellent striking ability. Yushin? More like Dushin, because he is going to get TKO'd by Belcher in the second.

Cain Velasquez (+160) over Junior Dos Santos
I picked Velasquez in the first fight, and a minute of action is not enough to change my mind on who is the better fighter. I have a horrible bias towards wrestlers, but that's because wrestling is super valuable in MMA. Cain had a bad knee in the first fight, so I expect him to take advantage of openings to take Dos Santos down. He took down Brock Lesnar with ease, and I cannot imagine that Dos Santos has wrestling on the level of Lesnar. Cain does have a tendency to keep his chin up, which could be bad for him, but I still believe that Cain is Able.

Predictions For The B1G Bowl Games

I am a glutton for punishment, hence I watch a lot of B1G football. And holy hell was that an awful idea this year. Because of the pain and misery that I suffered, I feel like I am a good source on information on whether the B1G can actually win any of these bowl games. Oh, but you also must realize that I have spent so much time watching B1G football that I do suffer from Stockholm Syndrome, so I have started to empathize with my captors. I added my confidence points at the end to sure how confident I was in each team.

Minnesota vs. Texas Tech - Texas Tech is a huge favorite over Minnesota, because everything that people have seen from these teams shows that Tech is a far superior squad. Still, Tommy Tuberville left Tech to go to Cincinnati which is a step sideways at best. I really like to go against teams who lost their coach, but their coach was Tommy Tuberville, and this is a Minnesota team that lost to Iowa, so yeah, not even I can justify a Minnesota win here.
Texas Tech for 18 points. I am probably one of the lowest point totals here, but Jerry Kill could have a seizure and really get his team pumped for a victory.
B1G Record - 0-1

Michigan State vs. TCU - Michigan State lost to Iowa, so this is a pretty easy decision, right? Wrong. Michigan State was actually a pretty good team this year. They were just incredible at not coming through when it mattered. The only team that really beat them down was Notre Dame, and they're in the National Championship. TCU is okay, but these are not the Andy Dalton-led Horned Frogs. Michigan State has found a way to lose a lot of games this year, but the roulette wheel has hit black five times in a row, so I'm putting all of my money on red (Note: This is a gambling strategy that I know to be terrible but have used on many occasions).
Michigan State for 32 points. Yep, I really did that. Mark Dantonio didn't put that many points on this team, but I did.
B1G Record - 1-1

Northwestern vs. Mississippi State - God, I hate Northwestern. With their fancy education and porsches, seriously, they are the worst. If I had the choice to spend a weekend with Northwestern graduates or Juggalos, I'm picking Juggalos EVERY SINGLE TIME. I want to pick against them, but they are actually a pretty competent team. Mississippi State started out how this year, and then they started playing real SEC teams and got curb stomped week after week. So yeah, Northwestern is good enough to win one for the B1G.
Northwestern for 23 points. Because, what do SEC schools know about football?
B1G Record - 2-1

Purdue vs. Oklahoma State - Not even I can justify Purdue winning this one. I can't find a way where they keep it close. They are awful...and yes, they still beat Iowa.
Oklahoma State for 35 points. Yep, I'm willing to wager everything on this one, and I am not sweating it one bit.
B1G Record - 2-2

Michigan vs. South Carolina - These next two games are examples of where most people just take the SEC team, because they should crush their B1G opponent. I actually really like South Carolina, mostly for Jadeveon Clowney, but Michigan is kind of dangerous. I like them more with Gardner at QB and Robinson as a jack-of-all-trades on the offense. I think it gives them a more dynamic offense. Still, Clowney might eliminate both of their quarterbacks in this game. He's kind of a big problem for that offense, so I cannot justify taking Michigan.
South Carolina for 25 points. I put a pretty good amount of points on this game, but I thought hard about it, and I feel that's important.
B1G Record - 2-3

Nebraska vs. Georgia - Georgia seems to shit the bed a lot. Nebraska seems to shit the bed a lot. Expect both teams to shit the bed, but Georgia has three potential first rounders on their defense (despite not having that great of a defense), so expect them to wipe up with the Cornhuskers.
Georgia for 27 points. I'm not sure if I will ever pick Nebraska to win a bowl game.
B1G Record - 2-4

Wisconsin vs. Stanford - I know the answer to this one. It's Stanford, right? Stanford. Okay, I feel good about that...but Wisconsin did dominate a bed-shitting Nebraska team in the B1G Championship. And Chris Borland, probably my favorite player in the B1G, should be fully healthy. Plus, Stanford really designed their defense to stop quicker teams like Oregon, so maybe Wisconsin's power attack could cause some problems. And most importantly, I got B1G blood running through my veins.
Wisconsin for 7 points. B1G! B1G! B1G!
B1G Record - 3-4

I know that I'm higher on the B1G than most, but I could honestly see any of the B1G teams winning their bowl games...except Purdue. Purdue is awful. But any other team, with help from their opposition could win the game. B1G for life.

I Tried to Watch "Chairman of the Board"

I like pain. I put myself in painful situations, because I like to test my own perseverance. Last week, I saw that the movie, Chairman of the Board, starring Carrot Top, was on one of the movie channels. It was halfway through, and I figured I might not be able to follow along with a plot from a movie that stars Carrot Top. I did a quick search and set my DVR to record it the next time it came on.

Finally, I had the time to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I decided to sit down and watch Chairman of the Board. Here are my experiences with the movie.

Carrot Top's character's name is Edison. He is an inventor. One thing he does not invent is funny.

Also, it took me five minutes before I remembered that Carrot Top was a prop comedian. I only remembered him as a really shitty comedian.

George Costanza's Mom comes in and tries selling the house that Carrot Top is living in. He lives with two surfer bros, and they weren't able to pay the rent, because Edison invested all of their money into inventions that he created. I can't get into all of the inventions that Edison made. It's too painful to relive.

Fuck, I do have to mention one advantage. He creates a bug zapping helmet, wears it himself, and then releases killer bees which proceed to sting a man in charge of a gadget company.

He then helps tells a man he is going to repair his car. After drinking motor oil and having the car fall on him, he only tells the man that he has a busted fan belt, and he'll have to have someone else fix it. The next logical step is obviously for them to go surfing together. Carrot Top is headed for some rocks, he screams, he then hits his surfboard's emergency brake, he then flies into the rocks. They did not actually show him flying into the rocks, you just heard him scream and the old dude said, "That's gotta hurt." They were too cheap to even throw a dummy into rocks.

And I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I have sat through some terrible movies, but this one is too painful for even me to watch. Do not watch this movie as a joke; it will not be funny. It will be sad and pathetic, and it will make you feel worse about your life. I'm going to watch Smackdown, because that's something that fun-loving adults do on a Friday night.

Let's Check In With The Cansecos

It has been a long time since I checked in with the ramblings of Jose Canseco. Too long, some might say. In fact, it got so bad that I had to start checking in with Ozzie Canseco to get my fix in. Ozzie is still a prominent part of this post, so let's see how our favorite steroid-fueled brothers are doing.

Miss my teammates except @twintower7264. Wily aybar, @twintower7264, me, tony phillips, joey gathright, chris britton. twitter.com/JoseCanseco/st…
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) December 6, 2012

Why would Jose take a pointless dig at his brother? If you are still asking the question of why with Jose, then you have already lost the battle. Fortunately, I am well aware that I have lost the battle and am more than willing to analyze what he has to say. It's not that Ozzie is his less famous brother, it's that Ozzie is his not famous brother. I follow the man, and if he walked by me on the street, I would probably just think, "Wow, that guy looks like Jose Canseco" without ever equating that he is, in fact, the brother of Jose Canseco. And I even follow him on Twitter.

This is the type of person that Jose feels like he needs to take a dig at. But if you think Ozzie is just going to sit back and quietly take it like a bitch, you've got another thing coming.

@josecanseco NOBODY MISSES U ARROGANT BABY
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) December 7, 2012

ALL CAPS ZINGER, MOTHERFUCKERS! Ozzie will not take those words lying down. He's ready to fight back at the drop of a hat. He gives Jose a sick burn by calling him an arrogant baby. The fact that he is clearly yelling it to the world makes it all the more hurtful. Ozzie is clearly not a man to be trifled with.

To end, let's have a fun competition of craziest tweet of the last week. We'll let Ozzie go first, since I'm guessing that nobody ever let Ozzie go first.

@josemelendez123 get me in that morons @josecanseco podcast. Call me
— OZZIE CANSECO (@twintower7264) December 12, 2012

Oh, no. Ozzie thinks a podcast is a pod that you can physically climb inside. That's...well, that's just so Ozzie. Batting cleanup, let's see what Jose has to say.

Is it possible to be unlucky your whole life and lucky the rest of your life.
— Jose Canseco (@JoseCanseco) December 10, 2012

Um...yes? But I think it just means that you are unlucky your whole life, and there is really no point in the second half of that sentence. In evaluating these tweets, credit goes to Ozzie for a classic Canseco misinterpretation of words, but Jose made my brain melt a little with his tweet. Sorry, Ozzie, but this round definitely goes to the arrogant baby.

My Reaction to the Non-Firing of Greg Davis

Earlier this week, Kirk Ferentz said that Greg Davis would be back with Iowa next year as far as he knew. Although this does leave the door open for Davis to quit, it's probably not going to happen, since he is visiting a recruit this weekend. This basically eliminates all hope for the 2013 Iowa football season. Instead of being sad about this, it has just made me extremely cynical. A friend of mine who went to Iowa State immediately texted me to talk about the great news:

Iowa State Friend: Greg Davis needs this second year to get the horizontal offense completely built in.
Me: Watch out world. He is becoming a BETTER coach.
ISF: Imagine his skill level during the 2018 season. It's going to be poetry in motion.
Me: It will be so horizontal that there will be a replay of every dropped pass to see if it was incomplete or a fumble.
ISF: Greg Davis's crowning achievement will be the first time that his football team covers 400 actual yards with only gaining 10 offensive yards in a game. It will be glorious.
Me: He hasn't done that yet?
ISF: Got close at Texas, but one of his insane athletes screwed it up and actually busted a two yard hook for an actual gain.
Me: Idiot. Don't have to worry about that with Iowa players.
ISF: And that is why Iowa is perfect for him; it's not like Ferentz is ever going to fire anyone.
Me: We really need Greg Davis to get caught smoking weed. Kirk hates weed smokers.
ISF: Those damn weed heads ruin programs, not awful clock management.
Me: There is no such thing as clock management. There is a clock, but it's not like Kirk is some sort of god who can stop time.
ISF: Not a time stopping god? that is your opinion, but I doubt Kirk shares it. You'd be amazed what that wall of protection money can buy.
Me: Kirk spends all of his money on gum.
ISF: Explains the impressive jaw line.
Me: It's definitely money well spent.

So the two big takeaways here are that Kirk has a very good jaw line, and I am probably not going to be super pumped for this season unless Greg Davis starts hanging out with Afroman. Go Hawkeyes!

I Pissed Myself Playing NBA Jam

So I set out a a goal a couple weeks ago to do three posts a week on this blog. Last week was an epic failure, as I did not post a single thing. Sure, I could use the holidays as an excuse, but honestly, I had way more free time than normal last week. I was just really lazy. To punish myself, I will share an embarrassing story.

I once pissed myself playing NBA Jam. I was far past the age where I should have been peeing my pants, but I stand by the decisions that led to this outcome.

Kirby Puckett was my favorite baseball player growing up. Because of that, my family took a little vacay up to the Twin Cities to catch a baseball game and go to the Mall of America. The baseball game was rather uneventful. Kirby Puckett nearly threw me a baseball after my brother hollered at him, but his throw went to the little douchebags to the left of us who brought gloves to the game. I also remember being along the third base line at the front of the second level and still being scared to utter anything that Kirby Puckett might hear, because he was basically a god to me at that point in my life.

Anyway, the Mall of America. I was a ten-year-old boy (Yes, I was ten at the time of this, not a big deal. Let's get past this) who had to think malls were stupid, because that's what boys do. Still, this mall was legit. It had a roller-coaster that looked safe, which was important, because I was a gigantic pussy as a child.

They also had an arcade, which is the only other thing that I remember about the world's biggest mall. NBA Jam was the hottest game at the time, and I had it all to myself to destroy the evil computer gods in basketball with my two homies, Scottie Pippen and Horace Grant. Pippen was my favorite player, so he took all the shots, while Grant was there for rebounds and moral support.

So, surprisingly, because I was a ten-year-old with limited coordination, I was kicking ass at NBA Jam. After winning like two or three games in a row, I was playing the Charlotte Hornets. I had realized that I had to pee for quite a while, but I had already put my quarters in, so I certainly couldn't leave the machine. So, there I was, ten-years-old, battling the Charlotte Hornets in a back-and-forth battle, while doing the peepee dance. As time was ticking down, I stopped doing the dance, and the pee came trickling down. I was pissing down my leg while battling Kendall Gill and Larry Johnson. I knew this was bad, but goddamn, did I want to bash in the Hornets' brains, and I really didn't want to let Scottie down. Unfortunately, I ended up losing the game. I was finally able to leave the machine and let the rest of my pee out in a urinal, you know, like most three-year-olds are able to do.

There was literally piss running down my leg at one point, and I was hoping that me wiping it away like it was sweat would be a smooth maneuver. I am assuming that at least one person from my family noticed, and I would just like to thank them for not saying anything. I have been holding this story in for 18 years, as sharing it any earlier would have probably led to a lot of lot of sessions with a psychiatrist.

Much like letting that piss out while playing NBA Jam, I feel relieved.

Who Has It Worse: Iowa or Michigan State Fans?

As I sat through another shockingly bad Iowa Hawkeye effort today against Michigan, I couldn't help but laugh. I'm past the depressing part of the season. I'm past being even bummed out about things. It's just comical at this point. Iowa is not good at football. They are not good on offense; they are not good on defense, and I guess they're kinda okay on special teams. Right now, I'm just hanging on to the fact that Greg Davis only got a one year deal, because of a technicality, so maybe Barta will put the pressure on Ferentz to give him the boot, because that offense is really depressing (Note: It did not seem as depressing today. I think that this is because it was fun to see Weisman back and I love seeing tight ends utilized. Still, the stats are proof that it was still quite awful).

But that's where I'm at now with the Hawkeyes: Indifference. I just don't care. Now if you want a really depressing situation, just look to another team in the Legends division in Michigan State. Now THAT is a depressing situation. They were one of the favorites to win the Legends division this year and instead have just one more win than Iowa. Outside of losing 20-3 to a Notre Dame team that is still undefeated, they have been right in every game. Look at these other losses:

Going into the game at 3-1, they lost to Ohio State by one point, 17-16. Ohio State, much like Notre Dame is still undefeated.

Two weeks later, they lose in double overtime, 19-16. They lost that game to IOWA. That loss is looking worse and worse as the season goes on. How did they lose that game? I watched it and still had trouble figuring it out. But, sure enough, they lost to Iowa. That alone is enough for fans to start cutting themselves just so they can feel again.

The next week, they played their in-state rival, Michigan, and lost 12-10. They were up 10-9 with two minutes to go before Michigan drove 41 yards before kicking a field goal with five seconds left. That's a pretty depressing way to lose a football game.

Two weeks later, after an inspiring win over Wisconsin in overtime, they lose to Nebraska 28-24, because Taylor Martinez who is as good at throwing footballs as I am at having babies, threw a touchdown pass with six seconds left in the fourth quarter to give them the lead.

And now today, they lose to Northwestern. As Michigan State was trying to get the ball back, they forced an incomplete pass from Northwestern on third down. Unfortunately, Johnny Adams, their best cornerback, committed a stupid pass interference penalty. They gained some more yards, and took some more time off the clock. MSU finally gets the ball back, gets to fourth down where Andrew Maxwell nails Sims down the middle before he loses the football. They ended up calling it an incomplete, but Northwestern recovered it even it was a fumble, so there was no point in challenging the call. They lost 23-20 either way.

Outside of Andrew Maxwell, Michigan State seems like a good team, yet they only have one more win than Iowa team that is most certainly not a good team. So, yeah, it's awful to be a Hawkeye fan, but it's far less heartbreaking than cheering for Michigan State.