You Best Believe I Watched Christmas Bounty

When I found out there was going to be a Christmas movie with a pro wrestler in it, there was no chance I was not going to suffer through it. I don't like Christmas movies, and I don't like The Miz, but you know what they say? A double negative makes a positive, so I was pretty sure I was going to love this movie.

The movie starts with a child being kidnapped. Luckily, his teacher is a no-nonsense chick who jumps off the building onto the SUV who stops the kidnapper. It turns out it was his Dad who lost visitation rights, but the teacher is not having any of it, because it turns out she's a bounty hunter. Now I bet you're thinking that she is going to have to save children in the end of this movie, and that is why they made her an elementary teacher, but you'd be wrong. Her being an elementary teacher serves no purpose outside of her having a "normal job."

The main character's name is Tori Bell. It's like if a person from Jersey was saying terrible. 

She put a guy named Manucci put in prison when she was a teenager, because she comes from a family of white trash bounty hunters. Also, we find out that if you are a bounty hunter, you must dress like a ho fo sho to avoid suspicion. That's how they roll in Joisey.

Even worse, she has to work with her ex-boyfriend on this case who is played by The Miz. What's his character's name? Haha, so glad you asked, because his name is Mikey Muscles. The man can literally only respond to Mike or The Miz. Anything else may make his brain melt.

Back to the mission: Tori has to take out Manucci's sister, Big Donna, who has three bodyguards. Luckily one bodyguard gets distracted by mannequin breasts, another gets chloroformed, and another gets in a fight with The Miz. He obviously loses. They plant a tracking device that is the size of Zack Morris's cell phone in her purse, which she finds immediately and uses to bait them into a trap.

They get into a shootout, and my favorite moment happened. Tori yells 12 o'clock to Mikey Muscles, and he blindly shoots above his head and kills a bad guy. Nobody has ever used the clock location system to determine whether people are above or below you in the history of the world, but Mikey Muscles knew. I cannot wait to start using this new method of location.

Her Dad doesn't believe in sleeves; I just thought I should bring that up. Oh, also her brother is a nerd, mostly because he wears sleeves. We don't learn much else about him.

So you're probably wondering whether The Miz and Tori are going to get together, but she actually has a new nerd-man who proposed to her. James is a nice guy who has no idea that she is a bounty hunter. He also seems to have no idea what a shot and beer chaser is. He tries to make a joke about Cristal, but nobody gets it. Don't worry James, I laughed at it.

There is a shootout at the tree farm, and during the middle of the shootout, the boyfriend peaks his head out to say, "Hey, what's going on over here? Why you got a gun?" This is not how I would react to a shooting, but this guy is a little dense. His density gets him kidnapped. 

Big Donna's getting married. Instead of a coat check at the wedding, they have a gun check. Yep, that happened.

Then they finally catch the bad guys, so woohoo on that. Mikey Muscles is working on getting a law degree so he can become more of an adult. Then he wishes Tori the best with her new man. Tori thanks him for being mature and goes to spend time with James. They have a really nice talk until she promptly dumps poor James to get with The Miz. It didn't really make any sense. Then there was a random dance scene to tie everything together. Nothing makes sense.

Overall, this was not a good movie, but at the same time, it wasn't offensively bad. Compared to the other bad movies that I have watched in the past, this was a rather enjoyable experience. I'd give this movie 10 inch arms, obviously on a scale of 24 inch pythons.

Everything You Need To Know About The Movie "Syrup"

On my way back from my honeymoon, I had an 8 hour flight back to the good ol' USA. This led to me having a lot of free time, so I saw what Aer Lingus would provide for entertainment. It was awful. After watching the one episode of Dog with a Blog they had, I decided to give the movie Syrup a try. This would not be a good decision.

The movie is about marketing, so everybody comes up with names to help market themselves because before you market a product, you have to market yourself. I swear to God I am not lying about any of these names/reasoning behind these names.

First off, there is the roommate of the main character, and his brilliant name to market himself, that will blow the doors off the world, is...Pete. Pete doesn't need a great name, because Pete never says anything. Never speaks; that's his thing. Some refer to him as Sneaky Pete, but we'll get into that later.

Next is our main lady, and her name is Six. Her name is Six, because it sounds like Sex. So dudes get boners when they think of her name. When I was a horny teenager, I used to count, One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, and then I would just pre my pants. It's impossible to not equate it to sex.

Another lady starts working, and her name is Three. Three is half of six, and that really pisses Six off. Apparently the smaller number is better? If I become a douchey marketing person, my name will definitely just be Decimal.

By the way, they did an excellent job of casting the ladies in this movie. Six was the main girl from Never Back Down, which was hilariously bad. And Three is the main gal from John Tucker Must Die, which was hilariously awesome. 

Why have I not brought up the main character yet? Oh, because his name is the best. And by best, I mean the worst. And by worst, I mean, I would have trouble trying to come up with a worse name that is not blatantly racist. Our main character's name is, drumroll please...Scat. Yes, Scat, like the shit porn. Because making people think of shit porn is a great way to market yourself. What really angered me is that there is one way to make it worthwhile, and they never mentioned it. "My friends call me Scat, because I'm the shit." Nope, they never used that line.

Luckily, Scat has this brilliant idea. He is got the perfect marketing campaign for an energy drink. He doesn't have a flavor or really know anything about energy drinks, but that doesn't matter. His brilliant idea? Call the drink Fukk. Yep, that's his stupid ass idea. Luckily, Six loves it, because they are apparently both mildly retarded teenagers despite being in adult bodies, so he is going to become very rich off of it.

He then has his “great” idea stolen by his roommate, Pete, because he apparently went to the copyright office before Scat thought of that idea. This leads to Pete getting hired and eventually taking Six's job...by never saying a word. Now you should understand why he is called Sneaky Pete.

Although Six gets demoted, she still has a job there, and she needs to come up with a great ad campaign. Luckily, a vending machine falls on Scat, and he suffers no injuries, but they do get a great idea for an ad campaign. They show an animation of kids having vending machines falling on them, with the tag line, "What would you do for a fukk?" Surely, it can't get worse, right? Haha, oh, it's getting way worse, because they also decided to hire a spokesperson. Now if you were going to sell sex in an ad, the woman you would hire would probably be in their 20s, right? This woman isn't in here 20s. She isn't in her 30s. She isn't in her 40s. That's right, she's in her...wait, nope, this woman is not even in her 50s. It is 62 year-old, weight rollercoaster, Kirstie Alley.

Needless to say, sales for the demographic of Grandma Fuckers went through the roof.

Unfortunately, a boy is encouraged by the ads and gets crushed by a vending machine and dies. They go to the funeral when Scat realizes that everyone who is there is an actor, and there is no dead body, because Sneaky Pete created a boy out of thin air to kill him by a vending machine to hurt Six's and Scat's ad campaign for the product that he got credit for creating. Pete says nothing and Scat gets fired, because...I don't know, maybe the heads of the company loved The Sixth Sense.

I really started to get worn down at this point, but Scat and Six join a rival firm and come up with a drink called Average Kok. It obviously becomes the biggest thing ever, and a kid really does kill himself. Scat goes on TV to talk about how awesome his ad campaign is to want someone to want a drink so badly, so he brags about the death of a child, and he's now a hero?

Without anything else happening, and I need to stress that. He goes from bragging about a child's death to a moment where Scat reveals his name as Michael to Six. Six says her name is Six, and Michael leaves her, because she is not a real person.

So why did I watch this movie? Eh, I got a half hour in, and the two females are attractive, so there’s worse things to do on a plane. Not many but still.

I really wish the plane would have had more episodes of Dog with a Blog.

American Ninja: Cinema's Hidden Gem

A friend recently encouraged me to check out the movie American Ninja. By encourage, I mean that he brought over American Ninja 1-3 on DVD and told me that I had to check it out as these were his favorite movies growing up. I know that when I heard American Ninja, I assumed it must be a Chuck Norris film, but they went one better and got Michael Dudikoff. You may remember him as Conscript #2 in TRON. If that doesn't ring a bell, then you will definitely remember him in the smash hit, The Ringmaster, starring Jerry Springer, where Dudikoff played Rusty. Anyway, look at how badass he is on the cover.

Look how big his fists are, or how tiny his head is, either way, he will be very dangerous as he will hit hard or easily dodge punches designed for people with normal-sized heads. Two more things; first is that his name is Joe in this movie, because it is impossible to come up with a more badass sounding name. Second, expect a lot of spoilers, because I do not expect anyone to go out and watch this movie after this.

We see our hero all by his lonesome, playing with his switchblade while everyone else is playing hacky sack. He’s a part of the Army, but you can tell that he doesn’t quite fit in. Some hot chick came out, and everyone was impressed, everyone but the American Ninja. It is clear that his boner only gets hard by killing bad guys.

The Army bros get attacked by a group of Asian militants. Everyone keeps their cool and allows these terrorists to steal all of their supplies. That is, everyone but Joe. The American Ninja starts fighting a bunch of them, and all of these Asians refuse to use their guns. The hot chick takes a car and speeds away, but first she inexplicably stops, waits for her tire to get shot out, and then attempts to speed away, causing her to flip the vehicle. Women drivers, AMIRITE?

Anyway, these militants will only use their guns for long range shooting, so the military ends up kicking all of their asses. The Americans steal the guns, which looks like a good thing until Ninjas pop up out nowhere and start hauling ass on the Americans. Joe saves the girl’s life from the ninjas, and the ninja leader is impressed, as he states, “He possess great skirrs.”

When Joe is helping Patricia (Hot Chick's name), the movie really shines, because it is horribly offensive to women. She is complaining about not being able to run, so he breaks the heels off her shoes, and she is pissed. Ninjas are hunting her down, and she is worried about keeping her heels in tack. She then claims that she would rather be killed by ninjas than jump in a dirty river, but he makes her jump in anyway. She gets out of the water and wants a comb, because her clothes and hair are wet. So yeah, this movie wasn’t real progressive on equality.

We then find out that a Frenchie is behind the Ninjas. The Frenchie tells the head Ninja to kill our hero, and Black Style Ninja is pumped. What is a Black Style Ninja, you ask? Well, it is the only Ninja who has reached the highest rank that. This Ninja is the only one of that rank outside of Japan, so yeah, he's a pretty bad dude. We also get to see the Ninja training facility, and it looks like an episode of Ninja Warrior.

I'm not sure if that makes it more or less legit. One thing is for sure, ninjas love monkey bars.

Jackson is a drill sergeant that is pissed about Joe's antics, so he calls out Joe to fight him. Jackson is black, so you know that he is tough. He keeps asking Joe if he’s a badass, then accuses him of being a glory boy. Finally, they fight, and Jackson gets his ass handed to him. Jackson tries like six different moves and gets owned every time. It got so bad that Jackson took a club, while Joe put a bucket over his own head, and Joe still owned him.

Jackson asked him where he learned that stuff, but Joe had amnesia, so he has no memory. All he knows are ninja moves.

Jackson has the best plan ever when he suggests that him and Joe become professional wrestlers. i repeat, Jackson just suggested that they become PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS. Just in case you are still skimming through, JACKSON JUST SUGGESTED THAT THEY BECOME PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS. That is just...perfect. Unfortunately, Joe doesn't like crowds.

One thing Joe does like is hot babes, like Patricia. You see, she's a hot babe, and Joe likes her. Charlie, who changes opinions on a whim, helps Joe sneak off base to meet her. Charlie may be the best character in this movie. He is completely full of shit and says that chicks are always after his nuts and he's a world famous surfer back home in California. I don't trust Charlie, but I want to party with him.

Senor Ortega is the main boss, so apparently he’s not French. Whoops. I thought he sounded more like Jacques Rougeau than Alberto Del Rio. And yes, pro wrestling is the only way that I can tell foreigners apart.

We also find the US Army Sergeant and Colonel are working for Ortega, and that is why they have been so hard on Joe. The Sergeant tells him to report to a warehouse, but there are like a half dozen, a dozen, two dozen, 30 ninjas waiting for him. No big deal, Joe killed them all. The ninjas did many fancy flips, but Joe just kept stabbing them when they got close, which those ninjas were not prepared for. They even tried the cargo net trick, but that only works on Sting. He stabbed like 20 ninjas with the same sword but never got blood on it, so that’s something.

Joe gets thrown in Army Jail, and the Black Sword ninja goes to try and kill him. The Black Style Ninja runs like a total fairy. He is a big time prancer. No way an American Ninja gets taken out by this wuss.

The Military is about to take him in for murder, but he jumps over a couch to escape. Seriously. He jumped over a couch, busted through a window, and everyone in the military was left standing on the other side of the couch, unable to give chase. They had to take the long way to try to catch him. The Sergeant was giving chase, went off the road, yelled no, drove for a few more seconds, ran into a small tree, and then BOOM! His jeep exploded and he was blown to smithereens.

There were approximately 200 people stabbed in this movie. I saw blood once. There was a guy with a Chinese star sticking out of his head, and there was no blood. I just thought that should be mentioned.

Black Power Ninja killed American Ninja’s mentor. Shit is about to get real. Jackson came in to help, and you best believe that he is only wearing a camo tanktop and shooting everything in sight. He also has a fight with a large Asian dude where both of their primary offensive moves involved striking their opponent in the groin. Jackson keeps it real.

Eventually, American Ninja kills all the bad guys. All of them except for Ortega. Jackson, take it away.

KABOOM! I know what you're thinking, how can you watch this movie? Good news, here is the link for American Ninja, and movies 2-4 are also currently available for free on YouTube. Looks like I've got my next six hours planned out.

I Tried to Watch "Chairman of the Board"

I like pain. I put myself in painful situations, because I like to test my own perseverance. Last week, I saw that the movie, Chairman of the Board, starring Carrot Top, was on one of the movie channels. It was halfway through, and I figured I might not be able to follow along with a plot from a movie that stars Carrot Top. I did a quick search and set my DVR to record it the next time it came on.

Finally, I had the time to enjoy the fruits of my labor. I decided to sit down and watch Chairman of the Board. Here are my experiences with the movie.

Carrot Top's character's name is Edison. He is an inventor. One thing he does not invent is funny.

Also, it took me five minutes before I remembered that Carrot Top was a prop comedian. I only remembered him as a really shitty comedian.

George Costanza's Mom comes in and tries selling the house that Carrot Top is living in. He lives with two surfer bros, and they weren't able to pay the rent, because Edison invested all of their money into inventions that he created. I can't get into all of the inventions that Edison made. It's too painful to relive.

Fuck, I do have to mention one advantage. He creates a bug zapping helmet, wears it himself, and then releases killer bees which proceed to sting a man in charge of a gadget company.

He then helps tells a man he is going to repair his car. After drinking motor oil and having the car fall on him, he only tells the man that he has a busted fan belt, and he'll have to have someone else fix it. The next logical step is obviously for them to go surfing together. Carrot Top is headed for some rocks, he screams, he then hits his surfboard's emergency brake, he then flies into the rocks. They did not actually show him flying into the rocks, you just heard him scream and the old dude said, "That's gotta hurt." They were too cheap to even throw a dummy into rocks.

And I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I have sat through some terrible movies, but this one is too painful for even me to watch. Do not watch this movie as a joke; it will not be funny. It will be sad and pathetic, and it will make you feel worse about your life. I'm going to watch Smackdown, because that's something that fun-loving adults do on a Friday night.

All 13 Pranks In the Movie, The Prankster

I love teen comedies. I am not going to deny this. Most of them are god awful, but I cannot help but watch every single one that I come across. Teen comedies are my second favorite genre of film, right behind Vin Diesel movies. Nobody can top the Diesel. But teen comedies are easier to write about, as I have done so with Frat Party, MILF, and College. In this one, there is a group of diverse individuals who are The Pranksters. They perform really funny tricks on people who deserve it, because although they have a good sense of humor, they are noble and shit too. I am going to go over every prank in the movie to show how you how funny these dudes (and dudette) are.

Prank 1:
Their first prank is a real knee slapper. They alter the mic so the Dean (of their high school) has a super high pitched voice. Then they manage to drop down a big button that says "Do Not Press The Button." The Dean is so pissed about his mic that he presses the button. BIG MISTAKE. A giant screen drops down that has a fat black woman dancing on the screen in skimpy clothing. Everyone in the high school is rolling on the floor laughing, because fat people + skimpy clothing + minorities = major giggles.

Prank 2:
They put a fake name on a teacher's roll call. The teacher tries taking attendance for a Mungus, a Hugh Mungus! Great job, fellas.

Prank 1 by The Jocks:
I guess I should include the pranks by The Jocks as well, even though they are mean spirited and definitely NOT funny like The Pranksters. The jocks don't even look like jocks. It's just a fat kid, two nerdy buddies, and a 30 year-old black dude who wears a gold chain. I decided to look up the black guy and his name is Big Spence. This is important, because Big Spence acted in a movie called Tetherball: The Movie. Here is the poster for Tetherball: The Movie.

Yep, Ron Jeremy, Screech, and Dan "The Beast" Severn. Why did nobody tell me this movie existed?

Anyway, back to the jock prank. They pull down one of the Prankster's shorts, which is ONLY funny if the Harlem Globetrotters do it. When the Globetrotters do it, I have trouble breathing, because I start laughing so hard that I can get the air to go out, but I can't get the air to come back in, because of all the laughs that I am having.

Prank 3:
To get back at the jocks, they messed with the fat kid by altering his driver's test simulation. At first, they just made him fail, but then they made him run over children before getting launched into outer space. He was dodging the simulated space lasers, which was soooooooooooooo funny. He was super pissed when he found out it was The Pranksters who did it.

Prank 4:
They had the girl Prankster write a love letter to the Dean that was from the French teacher. Then they wrote a love letter to the French teacher from the Dean. This is the first cliffhanger prank, but don't worry, major laughs are forthcoming when we get to Prank 8.

Prank 5:
They change an article about the hot cheerleader from a story to her being a Senior Superstar to it being a question whether she is real or store bought? HA! That is rich. The hot cheerleader screams when she sees the article, which is another point in the movie where we laugh at how funny it is.

Prank 6:
The fat jock was named Lettermen of the Week which excited him. Then he opened his locker and The Pranksters made a flyer that said LetterWOMEN of the Week, where guys heads were put on women's bodies, which is hella demeaning and hilarious. Then fat kid started getting turned on by the picture of him in a bikini. That is GROSS but also very funny.

Prank 7:
They brought the pranks to a new level with their fake names for roll call. The first one was a lady with the name Yerkoff, Ivana Yerkoff. Say it fast, you'll get it. Got it? HILARIOUS! The next one's last name is Wang. First name is Long. LONG WANG! That's so funny it's stupid! If you have not had enough laughs, the last student is Dick Hertz. Man, I was laughing so hard that I nearly missed out on the teacher asking, "Who's Dick Hertz?" Five guys raised their hands which just added to the greatness of the joke.

Prank 2 by The Jocks:
Blotto, the fat kid, gives one of The Pranksters a swirlie for revenge on him being good at basketball. It was a real jerk maneuver. He was also the fat douche in Frat Party which I have reviewed before. In other celebrity news, the star quarterback played the high school student that Dee tried to bang on an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Still, not a cool move, jocks, or should I say JERKS.

Prank 8:
They are going to release balloons at the talent show. Sounds pretty tame, huh? What if I were to tell you that these balloons were filled with SLIME? Yeah, they were, and it was total chuckles all the way around. On top of that, The Dean bangs the French teacher right behind the curtain at the back of the stage. This sounds pretty hot and sexual, but it's major laughs once one of The Pranksters pulls the curtain open so everyone can see them The Dean getting frisky with the French teacher's downstairs.

Prank 9:
The Dean gives himself a motivational speech in front of a mirror so he can bang the French teacher. Little does he know that it's a two-way mirror, so The Pranksters videotape him doing this. You'll never guess what happens next. They show the tape to everybody! That shit was cray cray and funnier than Funyuns...Funyuns that tell jokes.

Prank 10:
They try to get the fictional character of Dick Hertz nominated as Student Body President. This is maybe the funniest laughs that were laughed during the tenth prank of this movie...PSYCH! The funniest laughs that were ever laughed were when it turns out that there was a new transfer student whose real name was...DICK HERTZ! That's side-splitting comedy, and I may have gotten a hernia from laughing so hard.

Prank 11:
The Student President is a nerdy pest throughout this entire movie. He is competing with one of the Pranksters for best grades in their class. He wins some award at the end and is giving a speech. I was really disappointed, because it looked like the nerdy guy won. Then they blasted a really loud fart noise through the speakers. Nerdy kid was distraught. I was too busy laughing to care.

Prank 12:
The main guy announced that he was a Prankster during his speech which should have meant that he wouldn't get his diploma, but then everybody in the crowd started announcing that they, too, were Pranksters. This was not a prank for laughs. This was a prank for honor and respect. Mad props Pranksters.

Prank 13:
They had fireworks shoot out of the lights,which was another really nice moment. Then they flew a model airplane at the Dean, which was a super hilarious moment, because The Dean was TERRIFIED. Great job, Pranksters.


Yes, all of these pranks actually happened. And that didn't even give me time to mention that The Dean also teaches gym class. You really need to see it for yourself. Be sure to watch this movie while sitting on the floor, as you may roll off your couch/chair/bed and hurt yourself from all the intense laughs.

Drinking Whiskey and Watching The Power Rangers Movie

So I decided to take a half day a few Fridays ago, so I could party before going to a concert that night. It turns out that none of my friends had the foresight to do the same, so I was alone in my afternoon off. I still made the most of my free time as I decided to hang out with my dog, drink whiskey, and watch The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers movie. This turned out to be an awesome decision. The whiskey doesn't make a big difference, as all it really meant is that I laughed a lot more, and my notes towards the end had a a lot of misspellings. The one thing you should know is that I cannot recommend watching this movie sober, yet I highly recommend watching it drunk.

So the movie starts with all of the Power Rangers skydiving. Of course, their arch nemeses, Bulk and Skull are going along for the ride. Since they are stupid bullies, and not the harmful kind, they forgot their parachutes. Luckily, the Power Rangers let them know about it before they decided to jump out of the plane. Way to save the day, Rangers.

Why are they skydiving, you ask? Like they need a reason. But they do have a reason. It is the Angel Grove Jump-A-Thon, which was put on to save the observatory. Some old guy stumbles as he lands. His kid then tells him, "Watch, this is how the pros do it," because luckily the Power Rangers are actually professional sky divers when they are not fighting Rita and the evil Lord Zed. This is a huge break for the observatory, having pro sky divers in their small town.

May I digress for one moment? Thank you. Observatories may be the biggest waste of government spending out there. I have never been to an observatory. I am not sure if I even know where an observatory is. It seems like there are a ton of movies where teenagers are trying to save the observatory. Observatories are the worst.

Back to the plot. All of the Power Rangers are skydiving and doing cool tricks. Well, almost everyone. Tommy (White Ranger) is sky surfing and instead of doing cool tricks, he is doing awesome tricks. Everyone else must feel ashamed.

It should be mentioned that the regular Red Ranger has been replaced by another non-descript white guy, but they did change his name to Rocky. The Black Ranger was replaced by an Asian looking dude and is now named Adam. This means that due to cultural divesity laws, the Asian Ranger, Yellow, had to be replaced by a black chick. Her name is now Aisha. Kimberly is still pink, and Billy is still blue.

Oh yeah, on top of their Olympic level skydiving, they could also probably be professional rollerbladers as they are doing all sorts of SICK tricks while “blading” through the city.

The Rangers then get an urgent message from Alpha because some construction guys found an egg that can electrocute people. Zordon informs them that this is an evil beyond all imagination. I’m guessing it’s the Gobbledygooker. Lord Zed and Rita open the egg and ooze turns into this old dude who needs to crack his neck. His name is Ivan Ooze, and he is not that frightening. Rita wants to bang Ooze and Lord Zed is hella jealous of this guy.

Ivan Ooze's special powers include being able to shape-shift, being able to shoot lightning bolts, and the ability to smell teenagers (just so you know, he HATES the smell).

Alpha is such a douche. I wrote this multiple times throughout my notes, but this one is the one that got to stick, because, yeah, Alpha is a douche.

Ivan Ooze mentions the Black Plague, the Spanish Inquisition, and the Brady Bunch Reunion. He has been out of the egg for ten minutes and somehow learned about all of these things. Of all of the inaccuracies in this movie, this one bothered me the most.

Kimberly said that Zordon (who is dying) was like a father to them. What happened to their parents? Don't these kids have curfews? Seriously, put these Power Rangers in a foster home. Perfect evidence of why they should be in a foster home is that Alpha tells them that he can send them to a distant planet to save Zordon, but everyone who goes there dies. The Power Rangers all decide that it is a GREAT idea to go there. The Power Rangers are completely unfazed by death and murder. They killed a ton of foot clan ooze jabronies, and they were totally fine with their murders. Billy got ooze on his hands after killing one and said, “You ooze, you lose.” Murder is like brushing teeth for them, always do it once, sometimes 2-3 times a day.

Ivan Ooze called Zed and Rita “Dingle Dogs.” I am now going to try to work this into every conversation I have.

A strange wizard man (spoiler: it's Ivan Ooze) is handing out free ooze. There are no parents around to stop this. I feel like this movie could have been much shorter had there just been responsible parents in Angel Grove. It turns out that this Ooze turns people into zombies. Wait, actually, I should clarify. The ooze turns parents into zombies. Also these zombies are all inefficient construction workers. Seriously, if you watch people working in the background, their work rate is pathetic.

Best joke of the movie:
Evil Winged Animal Guy – Put your weak back into it.
Other Bad Guy – I had a weak back…about a week back.

Okay, so I thought that Ivan Ooze had the powers to create the Ooze and bottle it up so parents would become his zombies. Then I find out that parents are working in a factory to make the Ooze. So, how did he get that first batch going? This very much bothers me. I should be a movie consultant.

So I thought they were just ninjas, but then the Power Rangers turned into new animals. Ones that weren’t extinct which obviously makes them superior. Aisha is the bear. Rocky is the ape. Billy is the wolf. Kimberly is the crane. Adam is the frog. Tommy is the falcon.

So they are all fighting this really bad machine, and the yellow ranger goes, “Time to boogie with the Bear,” the machine just blasts her away and she is now completely worthless. The Frog was more successful than The Bear; I did not see that coming.

With all of the damage that has gone on in this movie, it is amazing that The Pink Ranger decides that it is important that he destroyed the monorail. And yes, of course Angel Grove has a monorail.

The little nerd who made fun of his dad for not being a professional skydiver was riding the monorail so he could save his parents. I’m not sure why he decided to take over a monorail to do that, but he did. Luckily, he gets help from Bulk and Skull, because that hard exterior is just to protect their heart of gold.

They were locked up with Ivan Ooze. The Yellow Ranger said, “Desperate times call for desperate measures.” She then hits the button titled, “In case of emergency only.” What did that button do? Kneed him in the groin. That is how they saved the day. An “emergency knee to the groin.” I'm not kidding. That is really what happened.

They saved the world and then saved Zordon. I proceeded to celebrate by drinking too much, and West Coast Dancing. Thanks, Power Rangers.

A Review of ICP's Big Money Rustlas

The Insane Clown Posse. They're an interesting crew. Lately, Juggalos have received more cultural relevance after being portrayed on the two best shows on television, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Workaholics. Still, ICP and their fans are faygo drinking pieces of shit. There's no Nobel Prize coming from that group, but, on the other hand, there could be an Oscar heading their way.

Yes, although ICP is not the best with music or redeemable qualities, they do occasionally make movies. Big Money Hustlas was made way back in 2000, and I still can't believe it, but it was actually an entertaining movie. It is probably not a good movie, but that's hard to do when your characters names are Harry Cox, Big Stank, and Mick Foley as Cactus Sac. Still, it's got Harland Williams, and Harland Williams fucking owns.

With that being said, I was extremely excited to see that their next film, Big Money Rustlas (ten years in the making) was On Demand for my viewing pleasure. This would have been super topical, but Grantland ran a review of the movie last week. Although they hit most of the important scenes, like Grantland is wont to do, they used about 20,000 too many words in the process. Let's hit the important parts (and guest appearances) together as I relive the magic that is Big Money Rustlas.

It's an old school Western movie, and within the first two minutes, there are four murders by the fat guy from ICP, Big Baby Chips. We will meet the good guy later, played by the skinny guy in ICP, Sheriff Sugar Wolf. His mother's name is Handjob Hannah...obviously.

Then we meet the Mexican Sign Guy, who is played by noneother than SCOTT HALL. Oh, fuck yeah. He immediately starts talking about how he is going to bang the widows those men left behind. Seriously, Scott Hall steals the show in this movie. It is pure magic every time they give him screen time. Is he shitfaced in every scene? You bet your ass he is. That man is nWo 4 Life.

The Sheriff is about to drink the water from the local well, but Dirty Sanchez stops him with the best line of the movie, "It's as polluted as a fat chick's ass after running a marathon with no underwear on." Yes, the writing in this movie is inspired to say the least.

Then who shows up? "The Mouth of the South" Jimmy Hart. He's winning a bunch of money playing poker until they smash his hand with a hammer for cheating. I would have liked to see his character develop more than begging for mercy for 30 of his 45 seconds of screen time. Honestly, if you're not concerned about plot, but love seeing hilarious cameos, this movie was made for you. Let's do a quick rundown of some other notable celebrity guest appearances:

Vanilla Ice heckles The Sheriff.
Jay from Jay and Silent Bob becomes a deputy.
An outhouse blows up, and who's there? Screech! He complains about not getting a chance to wipe.
Sabu shows up at the end, and there is a Paul Orndorff reference earlier in the film.

God damn, that's a pretty good list of cameos. Nice job, ICP.

The second best line of the movie comes from Sheriff Sugar Wolf, who tries to seduce a midget, "Maybe, sometime if you're not busy, we could get together, and I could pull outta that little ass of yours." The line works in the sense that the midget does become his girlfriend, but it also doesn't work as it turns out that midget is actually a dude (hence the ass play), so not sure if I'm gonna try using that line at the clubs anytime soon.

And then the movie ends in the most unpredictable way imaginable, unless of course you have seen a movie before, in which case you will see it coming from a mile away.

So what did we learn today? Although the Insane Clown Posse's music is awful, their movies are...ah, fuck, who am I kidding? Their movies are awful too. If this review seemed positive, it is because I avoided talking about the plot. Big Money Hustlas was entertaining, this was not as inspired of an effort. But they did put Scott Hall in it, and there is no doubt that Scott Hall is awesome.

Fuck the Juggalos, I'm nWo 4 Life.