The 45 Most Important Players to the Chicago Bulls Dynasty - #31 John Salley

John Salley
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (deep breath) uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck John Salley. I wanted to put John Salley last. He was a part of the "Bad Boy" Pistons teams, and therefore is my sworn enemy. You may think that Dennis Rodman would also fit this bill, but Rodman transcended those teams and became an entity unto himself. But John Salley sucks ass. Unfortunately, I had to put him this high, because despite limited action for the Bulls, he did actually play during the playoffs for a Bulls championship team.

In the 1995-96 season, John Salley's career was winding down. He was a long ways away from the Bad Boy Pistons, and he was even a couple years away from being a valuable member of the Heat. Instead, he was a member of the Toronto Raptors, the third to last pick in the expansion draft that brought two Canadian teams to the NBA.

Even on that expansion Raptors team, he struggled to make an impact and negotiated a buyout of his contract in February of 1996. The Bulls waited over a month before signing him to a 10-day contract, which I assume was mostly as a joke to troll Pistons fans. Then, he did well enough for the Bulls to sign him to another 10-day contract. Much like his Pistons days, he didn't do a whole lot in the box score, but he showed great aptitude at fouling people as he would average 7.2 fouls per 36 minutes. The Bulls figured the safest spot for him was on their team, so they kept him around for the rest of the season.

In the playoffs, it was more of the same. He specialized in garbage minutes. He scored 14 points while shooting 28% from the free throw line but did manage a whopping 25 fouls. I tried to find a video of his time with the Bulls, but every video I saw showed his stupid face, and I didn't want to subject anybody to that.

He would retire after the 1995-96 season, and the only notable thing that he did after that point was act as a consultant on a single episode of Millionaire Matchmaker. No shocker that his consulting did not lead to anyone finding love.

tl;dr John Salley's only useful skill are fouls, whether it be on the basketball court or fouling up others' opportunities at love. And the Pistons still suck.

Previous Entries:

#45 - Jack Haley

#44 - Rory Sparrow

#43 - Chuck Nevitt

#42 - David Vaughn

#41 - Jo Jo English

#40 - Ricky Blanton

#39 - Matt Steigenga

#38 - Joe Courtney

#37 - Keith Booth

#36 - Mark Randall

#35 - Ed Nealy

#34 - Rusty LaRue

#33 - Corey Williams

#32 - Joe Kleine

10 Things I'd Rather Do With My Dog Than My Wife

I love my wife. I love my dog. Now I would say these loves are different. One is someone that I can kiss and tell my deepest secrets to, the other one is my wife. But they both serve their roles. Still, there are things that I can't get from my dog that I can get from my wife, like going to places that don't allow pets, but there are also things that, although I could do with my wife, I'd rather do with my dog. Here are ten things that I would rather do with Casey The Dog than the old lady.

10. Play With Her Ears
My dog has big, soft, floppy ears that I can just run through my fingers, and snuggle my face up against. My wife has human ears. They are these weird cartilage things, and sometimes she puts stabby things (earrings) in them which makes them uncomfortable and dangerous. I'm not saying I want my wife to have an ear transplant, but I'm not saying I'd be disappointed if she woke up with Weimy ears one day.

9. Throw The Ball
Sometimes, my wife and I will play catch. It's fine, but the highlight is the involvement of my dog who is just waiting for one of us to miss it, so she can swoop in and get the ball. Meanwhile, throwing the ball with Casey is great. She sprints after it, brings it back, and we go through this until she decides that she's had enough. Also, it's a nice boost for my self-esteem as she has some toys that are easy to throw to the point that somebody once said I should play quarterback in the NFL. I mean, they were a Browns fan, so that's barely the NFL, but it still counts.

8. Go For A Walk
I'm not a big fan of walks. They're a little too slow-paced for me. But still, the enjoyment that my dog gets out of the walk spreads over to me. If my wife panted and smiled like that, it might close the distance, but she just talks. The one edge my wife has in this category is that I don't have to pick up her poop, because if my wife decides to take a dump in a neighbor's yard, she can at least pick it up herself.

7. Wrestle
Casey isn't a great wrestler, especially as she's gotten older, but she's up for a battle when it comes down to it. It almost always ends with Casey clawing my face or headbutting me, but there is a lot of excitement leading up to that moment. My wife gives up pretty quickly, as she can't overcome my size and strength advantage. I always win the latter, but I get more satisfaction out of the former.

6. Play Basketball
My dog loves playing defense which adds to the difficulty. She's also not a glory pup who needs shots, so I can put up as many as I want. Plus, she never talks shit to me about how my shot looks. I think I appreciate that last part the most.

5. Watch TV
Casey The Dog never minds when I watch wrestling. It doesn't matter if it's Raw, Smackdown, NXT, the Cruiserweight Classic, Lucha Underground, or classic episodes of Monday Nitro. She just chills and enjoys the show. The old lady could definitely learn about television appreciation from our dog.

4. Go To The Beach
My wife could spend an entire day at the beach. Just hanging out, reading, and maybe occasionally getting in the water to cool off. My dog and I are way more on the same page. We attack the beach, play as hard as we can, frolic in the water, and then we're tired, bored, and ready to go home. She's puked in my car the last two times, but she still gets the edge, as although my wife looks great in a two-piece, my dog is even skimpier when she's down to only a collar.

3. Cuddle
Cuddling is kind of boring, so I usually don't do it for very long. My dog is softer than my wife, and she doesn't mind if I stop cuddling after just a couple minutes. And I also don't get offended if she gets up when I'm snuggling up next to her. We have a mutual understanding that either of us can end it at any time with no guilt, and I appreciate that.

2. Pick Up Her Poop
As I stated earlier, I'm not picking up my wife's poop. I do pick up my dog's poop. I mean, it's not an enjoyable experience, but it'd be far more traumatizing if the old lady was dropping trou in the front yard and becoming the first human female to poop (you know, because ladies don't poop).

1. Road Trip
This is the most important one. My dog is the ultimate road trip partner. All I want on a road trip is silence and just a bit of companionship. I can listen to my tunes and podcasts, and if I want to reach over and pet the dog, she's there when I need her. Occasionally, she'll rest her head on my shoulder, and she's just really pleasant to be around. My wife only wants me to occasionally act like a social human being, but my pup dog has zero wants, and that is what makes her so special.

Don't get me wrong; my wife is great. But there are some areas where she's not as great as my dog. No shame in that.

Are the Cubs Too Good to Be Lovable?

The Cubs are talented this year. Like, super duper talented. To the point that many people are picking them to win the World Series. As a lifelong Cubs fan, it's a little weird, as this is not what I have come to expect from the Cubs. The Cubs will forever be the Cubs of the 1990s. Teams that had unforgettably fun players but not necessarily good players. They had a miraculous run in 1998, and then had some nice runs in the early-mid 2000s behind some of the highest potential pitchers who never all came together at the same time before things fell apart. And then the Cubs dipped into that safe space of being bad.

Then the Cubs got new ownership who brought in Theo Epstein (and friends) and although the major league roster continued to suck, they were building something. And last year that something came together to get the Cubs to the NLCS. Even as a Cubs fan, I couldn't believe the jump they made in one season and how their young players performed. It was a crazy year, and I was only a little sad when the Mets pitching annihilated them.

So now the Cubs enter 2016 as the favorite to win the World Series. That's pretty dang cool. But the Cubs as a favorite doesn't seem like a Cubs team at all. They were the lovable losers. Now that they look like winners, do they lose their lovability as well? Unfortunately, the answer to that question is yes.

The lovable losers no longer apply to the Cubs. You loved them like a guy that you'd loan $20 knowing that we'd never get paid back. You loved them in the way that their failures made you feel okay with your own shortcomings. You loved them with no fear, knowing they weren't going anywhere, because they had nowhere else to go. You loved them as a friend. A best friend.

You can't love a Cubs team that is this talented like that. But that doesn't mean that this team can't be loved. You can't love this team like a friend. This is a team you love with passion. This is a team that fills you with lust. I mean, just look at Kris Bryant.

This man doesn't look into your eyes; he looks into your soul. This team makes you doubt everything you've ever known, because it doesn't make sense. This is a team that keeps you up at night wondering if this could actually be real.

But it is real, and it is wonderful. And you realize that it's time to let go of your inhibitions and love completely, even though, logically, you know this could break your heart. And oh god, you pray that this doesn't end in heartbreak, but you can't fight the way you feel. You're going to love them day and night, so you may as well spend as many days and nights with them as possible. Let them overtake you, because, win or lose, each game is a slice of heaven.

And hopefully, at the end of the year, this is that love you never forget.

So, no, these aren't the lovable losers of your childhood. But this Cubs team is definitely still lovable.

What Is True Love?

What is true love? It is a question that we have all contemplated. We have thought that we were in love and realized that it wasn't love at all. Many times, it is lust, and other times it is just doing whatever we can to not be lonely. But I feel like after today, I know what true love is, and this story has nothing to do with my wife.

I went outside to throw the ball for Casey The Dog (my dog, whose name is Casey). After her first sprint for her orange bowl, she had shaken some things loose in her system. It was time for an exit strategy. So she squatted and produced waste.

Usually, that is where that chapter ends and we get back to throwing the ball. Unfortunately, this was not the end for Casey The Dog. She got some of her poop out, but unfortunately for her, she had gone a little heavy on her grass diet, and there was a long log of a poop/grass mixture hanging from her butthole. A lot of dogs know to just rub their ass on the ground to wipe it away, but Casey The Dog does not do that. She tries to squat and walk at the same time until she gets super frustrated and just lays down on her side.

As she lies her body down on the ground, she has a look of fear in her eyes. She does not know what to do, or if she will be cursed to permanently have poop hanging from her ass. "What type of existence will that be?" she surely wonders.

I see my dog suffering, and I must act quickly. Unfortunately, I do not have a poop bag as we were just hanging in the backyard. But I knew my dog needed me, so I told her to lay still, and I removed the substance from her butthole. It was not a pleasant experience for me, but she was totally ready for the next throw after that. Life was good once again.

What is love? Love is the will to suffer to prevent that loved one from suffering.

What is love? Love is pulling poop out of your dog's asshole with your bare hand. I love my dog, and she sure as hell better love me too.

A Guy's Thoughts On The Bachelor: Season 19

I am a guy. I have all of the necessary parts to prove it, and not only am I a guy by sex, but also by gender. I identify as a guy. Also, I watch The Bachelor. In fact, I thoroughly enjoy The Bachelor. These facts make me the quintessential source on everything that happened on this season. I have thoughts, oh, I have so many thoughts on The Bachelor. I have been keeping them inside, but these thoughts are bubbling up, and they are about to explode all over this blog.

The Bachelor
A lot of people think Chris is boring and stupid. Let me assure you that if you knew nothing about Chris but what you saw on this show, you could even feel quite confident in calling him boring and stupid. As a connoisseur of The Bachelor, I can assure you that Chris may be the smartest Bachelor in history (this may not be saying much). Chris played the game perfectly. Now, as The Bachelor, he shouldn't have to play a game; all the ladies are there for him. But he wasn't playing a game for love, he was playing a game for public approval, and he obtained an incredibly high approval rating with viewers by just not messing up.

Sure, it's cool to make out with all the ladies, but where he truly excelled was in his order of eliminations. This man never eliminated a woman who did something interesting. Let's take a look back.

Get so wasted you can barely stand the first night?
Stick around, he doesn't want to offend any alcoholics.

You randomly do crazy shit and can't tell the difference between a pomegranate and an onion?
Maybe in another week, you'll learn, so he can't kick you out on the streets without fruit smarts.

You've already been so wasted that you had to be eliminated, but now you want to come back?
Sure, everybody deserves a second chance.

Have a child?
Have a rose and leave that child alone in the apartment for another week. If a cat can survive being left alone for weeks, so can a baby.

You resemble a Kardashian and tell him you're a virgin?
You just bought yourself an extra week.

Your husband died?
That's an amazing story. Have a rose to cheer you up.

You don't shower?
How about you get showered in cheers at a Big and Rich concert.

Oh, another virgin?
I guess you get to make the final two instead of the precious flower that is Kaitlyn.

Literally, any girl who stood out got to stick around for at least another week. Chris was the least offensive Bachelor in history, and that takes incredible self-control. Everybody seems to love the farmer from Iowa, but Iowa people are better than other people, so I can't say I'm surprised.

The Ladies
But we need to talk about the ladies. First off, there is Alissa, Amanda, Amber, Bo, Brittany, Jordan, Juelia, Kara, Kimberly, Mackenzie, Michelle, Nicole, Nikki, Reegan, Samantha, Tandra, Tara, Tracy, and Trina. Although some of these women had some moments, none of them are worth revisiting. Let's talk about the essential ladies from the show.

Although she only lasted a few weeks, there are few Bachelor contestants that made as much of an impact as Ashley S. She was given the task of shooting zombies, but she wanted to shoot the other ladies. That's just smart. Then she showed she was fearless by walking into the fog towards the zombies, as she believed in the power of love. She's an insane person, and I am really happy that Chris Harrison demanded that she participate in the weird Bachelor stepchildren shows to keep her in my life. She is crazy...crazy awesome. Ashley S, you get it, girl.

The battle between Ashley I. and Kelsey was one I could do without. A lot of people thought Kelsey was the worse person in this situation, but it was definitely Ashley I. Ashley I. was not entertaining. She just existed and cried. Anybody can cry, but it takes something special to have Kelsey's story. Her story is amazing, and her lack of self-awareness is even more amazing. Did I have my doubts that she ever had a husband? Yes, yes I did. Did I look it up on the internet to make sure she had one? Yes, yes I did. I had to. There was something so off with her. Something so inhuman that there was no way that everything about her was real. But it was all real. She's a total sociopath. I hope she finds love with Juan Pablo.

Apparently, there was a girl named Megan who lasted until Week 7. She looks vaguely familiar, but I have zero memories of her. Just thought I should bring that up.

Carly kept it real. She knew she was going home, so she used her last moments to bury Britt. I was shocked that she was getting booed at the Women Tell All reunion. She had a good sense of humor and seemed like a pretty cool chick. I think she got a raw deal with how people reacted, and I want you to know, Carly, I got your back.

Speaking of having Carly's back, this brings me to Jillian who didn't last that long, but she was THE WORST person ever during the Women Tell All. She just kept butting in on things. And yes, if Carly said she had a dick, that's a shitty thing to say to a buff chick like Jillian (or really any lady in general), but your weird protective nature of Britt made everyone uncomfortable, and I would have way rather watched you do box squats.

Jade was the only woman to drop a bombshell and not move on. Being a drunk is cool, lack of cleanliness is also cool, but posing naked early on in life is not cool. I have a buddy who was all about Jade, and I get it. She's attractive in that "Could be in Playboy but is made for Penthouse" sort of way, but I would have liked to see more of her wildside, which I was able to when I Googled images of her.

The Important Ladies
I'm not saying the other ladies weren't important, but when you look at this season, these four ladies held the most prominent roles. Let's start with the champ.

Was Whitney the right pick? Yes, I think Chris did a good job. She seems like a very nice person, was all about moving to Iowa, and her last name is Bischoff. That's a triple threat, and you just know that her uncle Eric played a part in pushing Chris towards making the right decision. I'm not saying the threat of an Elimination Chamber was brought up, but I'm also not saying it wasn't. Also, I would be quick with your vows if I were you Chris. Don't make them go on too long, especially not three minutes too long.

Becca was very interesting in that she was clearly gunning for The Bachelorette. She did everything to disqualify herself from being selected in the final episodes. When she got dumped, you could see it in her eyes that she was telling herself to look sad, but was plotting what dates she would plan when she had a season all to herself. Now, obviously, her strategy did not lead to her becoming The Bachelorette(s), but honestly, it was a great strategy. She is an attractive woman who has the whole virgin thing going for her for added intrigue, so on paper, she would have made an excellent candidate to be the next Bachelorette. Unfortunately, she underestimated one area. She is completely uninteresting. What do I know about Becca outside of her being a virgin? She currently lives in San Diego, and the only reason I remember that is I thought it was crazy for anyone who lives in San Diego to move to Iowa. She also knew it was crazy, so good for her. Unfortunately, she will drift from everyone's memory and fade away, but still, I want to give her props for her strategy as it's that kind of forward thinking that will get you ahead in this world.

There may be some extra sting for Becca considering the next season of The Bachelorette(s).

So, yeah, there are two Bachelorettes for next season. Britt and Kaitlyn will be sharing the honor. I know the audience is like 90% female, so ladies, why did you like Britt? I mean, yeah, as a guy, I get it. She's very attractive and seems like she would be a pleaser when it comes to the hibbity dibbity. But these shows are rightfully geared towards women, and the women in the audience seemed to really like Britt. Is it just that she cries a lot? Because I get it, sympathy is nice, but man, she broke a lot of the unwritten rules of The Bachelor, and women are like baseball players when it comes to the sanctity of the unwritten rules. But Britt got a pass and became one half of The Bachelorette.

As for the other half of The Bachelorette, I am very happy that there will be more Kaitlyn in my life. I was Team Kaitlyn from the very first episode, and I stayed true the entire time. She is wonderful. Now, Kaitlyn may not be the most traditionally pretty girl that was on this season, but I'm past the point where I need traditionally pretty, because that shit's boring. Kaitlyn has charisma; she has the "It" factor, and that made me far more attracted to her than any other girl on this season.

From beginning to end, Kaitlyn kept it real. She kept things lighthearted early on, and she put up walls to protect her heart. When she finally let those walls down, she was hurt, and I can never fully forgive Chris for hurting this precious angel. But him hurting her has led her to become a Bachelorette, so I can't be all that mad.

But about that decision. The Bachelor/ette people were really counting on it being even applause for both of those girls, but it was about ten times louder for my girl Kaitlyn. She clearly should have been the single Bachelorette, but this problem will probably take care of itself when every guy on the first episode goes for Kaitlyn, and Britt has to hitch-hike her way home.

Maybe it's her dance moves, maybe it's her explicit raps, and maybe I just have a weird thing for Canadians, but I'm #TeamKaitlyn all the way. 

How's Your Sleep Going?

People always ask about work, why not sleep? Spend roughly the same amount of time and the stories are usually just as interesting. And since everybody asks about work, it becomes so repetitive. Once I tell a work story once, I am completely over it, because even good stories get old quick. I mean the best story from work I have had recently is going to take a piss, and when I was washing my hands, watching a guy walk into the bathroom with his lunch and just lingering around, clearly waiting for me to leave so he could eat his lunch. I don't know if he was going to go after it at the sink or take it into the stall. I don't want to know, but needless to say, I now walk across the street in order to go to the bathroom in another building. I don't want to relive that every time somebody asks about work

Meanwhile, sleeping has been way more exciting. I've been sleeping real well. I have this plan where I turn on an old episode of Raw, and Marty Jannetty instantly puts me to sleep. It's amazing. Also, last week, my wife was out of town, and my dog insisted on snuggling, but where she usually likes to kick my wife in the middle of the night, she didn't move an inch for me. Unfortunately, my wife came back and was a blanket stealer, so there is some drama in the household. 

See? There's a story of triumphant sleep, unconditional love, and drama, all in a week's time. Sleep is way more exciting than work. 

And if you think this is just a long-winded way of saying I still haven't found a full-time job? Well, you'd be right. Thanks for reading.

A Guide For Grooms: Am I Making The Right Decision?

What I have learned through my 29 years on this Earth is that although people seem to know what they're doing, nobody has any clue what they are doing. It's all just an act. Nobody is that composed, everyone is insecure, and you'll figure it out as you go. I am getting married in a little over a week. Nine more days before a lady is dumb enough to take my last name. Still, there is one question that keeps popping up into my head:

"Am I making the right decision?"

The good news is that I know that I am. Do I still sometimes romanticize my single days when I was able to go out and get drunk and see where the night might take me? Of course I do. At my bachelor party, I saw my single friends be completely uninhibited, and it looked pretty awesome. But then I think about the other nights of being single. The nights where I would be out, and trying and failing until I just wanted to drink and not get shot down anymore. This doesn't even mention the nights where I wasn't out, and I was playing PS2 just to pass the time and get to the next day. So, yeah, the highs were high, but the lows were just awful.

With my fiancee, I no longer worry about those. There are still highs and lows. And the good news is that the highs maintain longer, because it's out of genuine care for another person instead of a feeling in my penis. And there are still lows, but the lows are because I care, and really, sometimes she can be super irritating. She pisses me off, but the only reason I'm pissed is because I love her.

Also, the key is that the good far outweighs the bad. We rarely fight, I would guess around a half dozen times a year, and when we do, it usually only lasts about an hour until we come to the compromise that both of us (or just me) are idiots. Now that doesn't mean she's perfect. I get irritated with her every day (Why can't she wash the peanut butter off the knife when she's done using it? The dishwasher will not get that off). But we also make each other laugh every day, and it is almost always with the dumbest shit imaginable. If we try to tell people what was so funny, we are always met with the same confused look and response of, "I don't get it."

And that's fine. I don't need people to get us, as long as we get each other. Am I 100% positive that we are going to get married and live happily ever after? No, but just because it's not 100%, that doesn't mean it's not worth going for it. The thing that I feel best about is that things have improved as time has gone on. We started off as friends, dabbled in relationships, then gave real shots to relationships, and the timing just wasn't right. We both matured (me more than her) and realized that we're way happier together than we are when we're apart. That's all I really know. We both make each other happy. And for this sort of commitment, that is the best guarantee that I could hope for.

So, am I going to get married and live happily ever after? I don't know. I'm confident, but everybody is confident when they get married, and half of those people are wrong. The key is that I don't expect marriage to fix things in our relationship. I'm happy with where things are right now; this is just making it official. I'm not 100% positive things will work out, but that's part of what makes it special. It's going to take work, but there's no one I would rather work with than my bride-to-be. Maybe I'm not positive, but you don't have to be sure to still know you're making the right decision.

The 10 Saddest #PerksOfDatingMe

The hashtags on Twitter are really what make it go round. Sure, you can find meaningful and interesting content producers on Twitter, but what fun is that? Hashtags encourage idiots to share their thoughts, and that is why it is such a great medium. Very few people sit around thinking about what the perks of a person dating them would be, but then they see #PerksOfDatingMe trending on Twitter, and it is damn near impossible for them to not share their thoughts on the subject. Here are 10 saddest #PerksOfDatingMe, because there really is no way to rank this sort of sadness.

#PerksOfDatingMe I promise to kiss you when you're in the middle of saying something, play with your hair, and love you till my last day
— The Outfielder Life™ (@OutfielderLife) December 27, 2012

I assume that many ladies would get really irritated by this. Imagine trying to explain something and every fourth word, this asshole starts kissing you while you're trying to talk. I assume that this guy gets kneed in the groin a lot.

#PerksOfDatingMe ill give you my hoodies 😘
— adam (@nolifeadam) December 27, 2012

Do people have nothing to offer these days? Are they such pathetic individuals that the best they can offer is their thickest clothing? That's the best you got? And what do you do after you have given your girlfriend all of your hoodies? She will be super warm, and you will be worthless to the world.

#perksofdatingme I'd rather just chill than go to a party every weekend
— Dylan (@Van0verbeke) December 27, 2012

Hey, ladies. You have friends? You like going out with them? This guy doesn't, so let him ruin your social life. You can spend every weekend on the couch and become stagnant pieces of shit, instead of, you know, living. Get in line for this one, ladies.

#perksofdatingme I will pull you up on stage with me and let the world know who you are and how much you mean to me.
— Jared Ballenger (@jaredballenger) December 27, 2012

...By murdering you in front of all of your family and friends. Remember ladies, he only does it because he cares so much about you.

#PerksOfDatingMe You wouldn't have to worry about me cheating because nobody else wants me.
— Jack Mull (@J4CKMULL) December 27, 2012

No shit, dude. You're a real downer. And why do people think that being undesirable is a quality? That is the opposite of quality. That's like bragging about never worrying about starvation, because you're willing to eat shit even though nobody else is. Jack Mull, you are the shit eating of the dating scene.

#perksofdatingme You need tampons babe ? You want ice cream too ? Tell me the brand and what kind and I'll be back in 20 minutes .
— Kennedy Christofer⚡ (@_CupOfPudding) December 27, 2012

This one really wore me down. A man can only read so much douchiness before it really makes him hate the world. There is so much that is pathetic about this tweet, but nothing will be sadder when he comes back with Playtex flavored ice cream and cherry pudding pops for her monthly.

#perksofdatingme When it's late at night, and we are texting, you're the only one I am texting ..everyone else can wait until tommarow
— Dream ChΔser™ (@ImKingOfThis) December 27, 2012

Text from Grandma: I think I'm having a heart attack. Please help.
Dream Chaser thinks, "That's nice G-ma, but you'll have to wait until tomorrow. I'm 'bout to text my boo about what type of buttons I should get on my jeans.

#perksofdatingme don't worry about changing the password on your phone. all your text already get sent to mine 😚
— Jesse Olmstead (@J_Olm21) December 27, 2012

Because all ladies want their man to have no faith in them to the point that they will break into their phone and then program it, so they can stalk them in both regular and cyberspace. This is the type of person who loves you so much that he will one day wear your skin.

#perksofdatingme I will only bring my parents on the first 5 dates ;) after that its just you me and my ... Grandma
— Marisa Riggins(@lilriggins) December 27, 2012

This one is not nearly as depressing as the others, but it really angers me, because she totally messes up the form of the joke. It should end with "After that, it's just you and me...and my Grandma." Ending it with and my... makes no sense. What should the guy expect you to say after that pause? Tits? Butthole? Credit Card? Nobody expects that. Learn how to properly form a joke.

#perksofdatingme If you treat me like a princess and respect me. You'll probably be the happiest man alive cause I'll treat you like a king”
— Quinetta Towachi (@AngelicaPikles) December 27, 2012

I know I have been having fun at these people's expense, but let's be real for a second. Quinetta, you poor thing. What you tweeted here is not good. If a guy treats you like a princess, and you treat him like a king. That means that you will be treating him like your Dad. Was he not around much? That's too bad, but calling your boyfriend Daddy and making him read you bedtime stories isn't going to change the past. Come on, let's take a step forward and never look back. You'll be better off for it.

What Would Men Do Without Sports?

This question never crossed my mind, because I didn’t know there were guys out there who didn’t like sports. Then I ran into real-life guys who had no interest in sports. I had always figured that, at worst, guys would have an interest in a borderline sport like soccer (I love pissing off soccer fans). But seriously, there are actually guys out there that have no interest in sports. I honestly don’t know what I would do with my life if I didn’t like sports.

When I’m at work, the only thing that gets me through the day is reading about sports in between the mundane and repetitive work that my job entails. I guess I could talk to the people I work with, but that is a situation I like to avoid as much as possible.

This doesn’t include all the time I spend watching sports on TV. Yes, there is a lot of good television on that does not involve sports, but just think about anytime you go out drinking. I went out for Cinco de Mayo, but also watched the UFC fights as well as the NBA, because the only alternative was talking with my idiot buddies. They’re great friends, but they are also much better in small doses.

Plus, how in the hell did people learn math without sports? Their teachers? Fuck that. I could multiply by 7s better than any other number, because of running up the score on Tecmo Super Bowl. I knew how to do division, because I needed to know how to figure out Kirby Puckett’s new batting average after going 3-for-4 in a game.

I honestly would have no idea how to push myself without sports. I remember being in junior high and running underneath the heater while bundled up in sweatshirts and sweatpants to lose that last pound so I could make weight for wrestling. I remember running sprints at the end of practice when my legs were screaming for me to stop, but to continue on through, not because I wanted to, but because that’s what you did.

Sports taught me emotion. The highest of highs and the lowest of lows almost always involved sports.  I remember watching the 2008 Cubs clinch the division against the Cardinals, and my buddies and I staying for an hour after the game just drinking and having a great time. It’s not always great. When the 1998 Cubs got eliminated from the playoffs by the Braves, I cried. I was fourteen years old, and I realize that that makes me look like a crybaby bitch, but I loved that team. RIP Rod Beck.

So what do guys do without sports? I actually found out recently. There I was, having a completely normal discussion about sports and the value that Hulk Hogan created in our society. They looked at me as if I wasn’t even speaking English. Then these two assclowns went back and forth on the Lifetime movies they like to watch. My jaw dropped. I couldn’t believe it. I wanted to tell them to get fucked. I wanted to tell them how worthless their lives were. I wanted to do society a favor and end them. Lucky for them, I needed to get back to my computer to see how my fantasy baseball team was doing.

See? Sports can even keep you out of prison.

Sports are the best.

Let's Check In With Jose Canseco

So apparently Jose had a mild (by his standards) breakdown on Twitter on Friday night. Unfortunately, by the time I woke up on Saturday morning, the posts had been deleted, and outside of him giving out his ex-girlfriend's phone number and telling interested parties to bring weed if they wanted to enjoy her company, I'm really not too sure what else he said.

But one night of a meltdown is never enough, so let's check in on Jose and see how he's doing.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

I will never forget or forgive what u said to me leila ur evil

Okay, so apparently they're not back together. But what did she say? I was thinking about the worst things somebody could say to Jose Canseco, and these were the best I could come up with:

3. You are a terrible celebrity boxer.

2. Sandy Alderson called, he says you suck.

1. You'll never win a spelling bee.

If she said number three, I'd be disappointed in her, if it was two, I'd be impressed with her creativity, but if she said number one, that's just mean.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Be careful with woman who show off there tits and ass and think that's a career

I agree; there is a good chance they'll tell you that they can sex you for ten hours straight, but their version of sex is actually just them eating cupcakes. But that might just be a Midwest stripper thing.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Or have a bad drug problem u can't fix them

Wait, women with bad drug problems can't be spayed. Because if you can do it to a dog without its permission, I don't see why you can't do it to a woman without her permission. Avoid overpopulation, get your lady fixed today.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Would love to meet a nice holesome midwest girl here in chicago. We play tomorrow night at 7 pm in zion if anyone is out there for me

Jose has really lowered his standards. He's gone from Madonna to "holesome" girls. I mean, if your only criteria is that a woman has multiple holes, you really shouldn't have too hard of a time finding a mate. I mean, I've heard that those LA women are surgically altered and everything, but the fact that Jose has to come to the Midwest to find a "holesome" girl makes me very worried about what surgeries are actually happening out west.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

wholesome

Oh, I guess that makes more sense.

-Joe

P.S. This is an excellent way to propose to your main squeeze:

Jose Canseco Does Not Learn From His Mistakes

I think through reading and writing about Jose Canseco, it is safe to say he is a simple person. I don't mean that in a demeaning way, but only as an illustrative point that he believes in the basic needs of life and his ultimate goal is to recapture the American dream that he once lived. Recently, he has felt betrayed by his loved ones, and I wanted to help, not only him, but the entire world learn from his mistakes.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
I made a total fool of my self for someone who never even cared about me .what an idiot I am

Well, I could have told you that putting Ozzie on the roster was a bad idea, but I don't think anyone thinks you're a fool for it. Also, had you not stopped him, I bet he would have posed as you in that boxing match, so I think you're overreacting when saying he doesn't care about you.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
I actually thought I was going to marry leila .what an idiot I am

Oh. That's the person you were referring to when you were talking about you looking like a fool. Um, Ozzie, I guess I owe you an apology. Just ignore everything I wrote at first. You're a very great independent league baseball player, and don't let anyone tell you differently. 

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco 
I am looking for a wife anyone interested

This is not a well thought out plan. Jose Canseco is much more famous than me, but if I did this, I would have women lining up to marry me on the spot. And it's not just because I'm incredibly good looking. It's because if there's one thing I know about females, it's this: Bitches are crazy. Everybody thinks that women are interested in two things, marriage and babies. This is actually a misconception. Ladies love one thing, stuff. They just love to get stuff. When people get married, they get a bunch of stuff, when they pump out a little one, they get more stuff. This is all that ladies care about, so Jose, you've opened up a can of worms, I just hope you can shut it before it's too late.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
Love makes fools out of all of us especially me

Hey, it happens to the best of us. At least you have learned a valuable lesson. 

Wait a minute, what's that? No. It can't be. I know he learned something. This must be a mistake.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco  
Hi lady gaga guess who http://lockerz.com/s/110858376

God damnit.

-Joe

P.S. For lessons on how to tweet hard enough to give a dolphin a boner (more on that next week), learn from The Ultimate Warrior.

@UltimateWarrior The Ultimate Warrior

Warrior God for ULTIMATE time. Demand is HIGH. Escort limited to pro-wrestlers wives. Reserve right to refuse service. No, HH. Linda, no.

Say what you want about The Ultimate Warrior, but a disparaging personal ad in 140 characters is pretty damn impressive. Bravo, Jim Warrior, bra-fucking-vo.

Why Everybody Hates Iowa Wrestling

Yesterday, I mentioned that the Iowa Hawkeyes are the most hated wrestling team in the nation.  For those that don't follow the sport of wrestling, you're probably wondering how a simple school from the heartland could be so hated by every other wrestling fan.  Well, for the average wrestling fan, it's super simple, Iowa is better than everybody else.  They go out and kick everybody's ass.

For people who follow wrestling a little bit closer, they might hate Iowa because they perceive Iowa as a dirty team.  It's tough to say they aren't.  They often give up points for unsportsmanlike conduct.  At Nationals, they not only gave up match points for unsportsmanlike conduct, but lost two team points for behavior from their coach and one of their wrestler's.

And if you're a hardcore wrestling fan, you probably look at Iowa as being a bunch of assholes.  If you ever watch an interview where an Iowa wrestler wins a decision, the wrestler will act as if he did terrible and say that he should have been more aggressive and gotten bonus points.  If he gets a major decision, he believes it should have been a tech fall.  If he gets a tech fall, he believes he should have pinned the guy.  And if he pins the guy, he says he should have done it quicker.  No matter what Iowa achieves, they always want more.  If a fan of another team sees an Iowa guy beat their guy, followed by the Iowa guy complaining about how he should have done better, I could see how that might irritate people. 

So Iowa wins all the time, they use questionable tactics, and winning isn't good enough for them, because they are always searching for annihilation.  The three reasons that people hate Iowa are the three reasons that I love Iowa.

The first and last reasons are easy to love, winning is awesome.  And winning big is even more awesome.  I could understand how people would compare the Hawkeyes with the Yankees where it can't be that fulfilling to win championships when it happens so frequently.  Well, there are two major differences with that argument.  The first is that the Yankees have a competitive advantage with their payroll to help them win championships.  Iowa is still just Iowa.  It's rare for Iowa to have the top recruiting class, but they win because they get wrestlers who are willing to put in the work to become champions.  The second major difference is that the World Series is the pinnacle of what you can achieve in baseball.  While the National Championship is great, at Iowa, the goal is to win an individual title at all ten weight classes.  It's incredibly unlikely to reach that goal, but every year, that is what Iowa wants, for every single starter to become a national champion.  They always want more.

With the second reason, I can understand how people see Iowa's style as somewhat "cheap" or "dirty," but it's much more simple than that, they wrestle hard until the whistle is blown.  If a guy is dumb enough to stand out of bounds waiting for a whistle, they're gonna get a hard shove if the ref doesn't blow that whistle in time.  Does Iowa have any chance of scoring in that situation?  Of course not, but Iowa is always going to be aggressive.

On top of that Iowa wrestlers literally don't know how to stall.  Iowa has lost matches in the final seconds, because they don't know how to flee like other schools teach their wrestlers to do.  There were actually two awesome examples of Iowa's disdain for defensive wrestling during the past weekend.  The first one was while Tom Brands was being interviewed about a previous match.  An Iowa wrestler (Derek St. John) was in a bad position near the edge of the mat.  The exchange went something like this:

Tom Brands:  Come on St. John.
Interviewer:  You want your wrestler to get out of bounds right here.
Tom Brands:  No, I want him to improve his position and keep wrestling.

This was not a case of the interviewer saying something dumb.  Every other school in America would want their wrestler to get out of bounds in that situation, but that isn't the Iowa way.  Iowa believes that no matter how bad of a position he is in, as long as he keeps wrestling, he should be able to get in an advantageous spot and score points.  There is no such thing as defense at Iowa; they're always looking for offense.

The second example was even more amazing.  An Iowa wrestler (Tony Ramos) was down big going into the third period.  But he did what Iowa does; he kept wrestling.  He kept taking his opponent down and letting him up.  Finally, he had tied up the match.  All he needed to do was ride out his exhausted opponent to take it to overtime.  But instead, with just 30 seconds left, Iowa told him to cut his guy loose.  With the escape point, his opponent took the lead, but Iowa always stays aggressive.  As time ticked down, his opponent did everything he could to avoid the Iowa wrestler's attempts.  And because of a generous ref who did not decide to call him for stalling, the Iowa guy lost the match.  Iowa could have easily ridden the match out and taken it to overtime, but that isn't the way Iowa wrestles.  I can understand how people would call that a stupid decision, and I really can't argue against that.  But this isn't a case of being smart or stupid, it's a case Iowa believing that their wrestler could get the win.  This time, it bit them in the ass, but it's not the Iowa way to look back; they're always looking forward, trying everything they can to score points.

My second favorite quote about Iowa wrestling (First has to go to Dan Gable's, "I shoot, I score.  He shoots, I score.") actually comes from StateCollege.com's Steve Sampsell as he tried to figure out the reason the Hawkeyes were able to surprise the top ranked Nittany Lions by defeating them in Happy Valley:

The Hawkeyes compete hard every minute. They never stop.

They’re Iowa. And you’re not.

And that's the best way to put it.  Every Iowa opponent knows that they're going to have to go through 7 minutes of hell when they face the Hawkeyes, and every Iowa wrestler knows that he's a Hawkeye, and his opponent isn't.  They're Iowa.  And you're not.

So what happens next year?

Honestly, it's probably going to be a lot of good things.  Going into the year, Iowa had only one returning starter from the previous year in this year's starting lineup.  Iowa was ranked 12 going into the season as everyone saw it as a rebuilding year.  They proceeded to go undefeated in dual meets.  They finished a disappointing third at nationals.  Yes, third is a disappointment, even in a rebuilding year.

Anybody who follows wrestling had to be astounded at the progress that the Iowa wrestlers made throughout the season.  It's a young team that is only going to get better.  Iowa will lose two wrestlers in 5th place finisher (and 7th year Senior), Luke Lofthouse as well as Aaron Janssen, who although he didn't place (Top-8 become All-Americans), wrestled incredibly hard after getting upset in his first match at Nationals.  149 was our weakest weight class this year, but that will be greatly helped with the return of Dylan Carew who tore an ACL early in the season.  Iowa also had a top recruiting class last year, and since everybody redshirts at Iowa (to give their wrestlers the best chance to win as many individual titles as possible), some of those guys should be ready to step up and contribute next year. 

It's a year away, so it'd be really tough to make an accurate prediction.  We know that Penn State is loaded for next year, but if you put a gun to my head, I guess I'll go with Iowa coming in...uh...yeah, 1st Place.  The Hawkeyes will not be the defending champs, but Iowa will right that wrong next year. 

-Joe

P.S.  I've watched this video about thirty times, and it's GLORIOUS every time.