This was a rough weekend for the blog's favorite human being, Jose Canseco. When most people are going through rough patches, they try to deal with things the best they can while possibly looking for help from family and friends. Jose scoffs at these people. When things are going bad for him, he turns to Twitter, because his followers need to know this information. For that, I thank you Jose. You are a true American hero. But let's go into a weekend of tweets from Jose while the world comes crashing down on him. We'll keep Jose's comments in normal font, and I'll put mine in bold.
JoseCanseco It is true I got evicted everything has gone incredibly wrong since I wrote the book juiced.I am now the modern day frankenstein
You want to talk about somebody bringing their A-Game to start the weekend, that's what Jose does right here. He starts it off by answering a question that nobody asked. Jose, I never asked you if you got evicted, so you don't need to pronounce the truthfulness if your statement before making it. Jose seems surprised that he got evicted, but considering that Jose has worked about as much as me in the last nine months, it would make sense that he got evicted. Come on Jose, if you want to live on your own and not have a job, you've got to live with your parents for two years so you can save up cash. Everybody knows that.
JoseCanseco Mlb has gone out of there way to distroy my life and they have succeded.I didn't realize how powerful they are till now.
It would be petty of me to point out his misspellings, because destroy and succeeded are two multi-syllable words, so we'll give him a pass on it. Let's focus on the message. Canseco recognizes the power of MLB as Major League Baseball has chosen to destroy Jose Canseco's life. It's a good thing that MLB is in a peaceful labor situation right now. If not, I imagine this meeting would happen:
Bud Selig: What are we going to do about this labor dispute?
Top Ranking Official: Well, Johnson and Smith are our best men. If we could get them working on it, we could get it taken care of in no time.
Bud Selig: You know that's not possible, they're still working on destroying Jose Canseco's life. We must keep our priorites straight. We'll get the Phillie Phanatic and the San Diego Chicken to take care of these less pressing issues.
(And yes, I do believe that the San Diego Chicken and Phillie Phanatic are the number three and four best people MLB has)
JoseCanseco I have lost everything. Makes you wanna cry but there's no crying in baseball.and my dad said men don't cry but he was wrong
This would seem to be the end of Jose's humor as MLB has finally defeated him, but never count out Jose Canseco, because he will stick it to you (Get it? It's a steroids joke).
JoseCanseco Someone should do a show called form the penthouse to the garage
At first I thought there was a typo, and he meant from the penthouse to the garage, but then Aaron Gleeman from Hardball Talk brought up that "Form The Penthouse to the Garage" would be an awesome show. I have to agree. I imagine a lot of people have Penthouses away from their garage and would love it if those two could be formed together to make a Penthouserage. Jose might be back on his feet if this idea takes off.
JoseCanseco I will play softball for food. Lol
Hell yeah, Jose will never stop making jokes, jokes so good that he has literally made himself laugh out loud. I sure hope somebody takes him up on the offer. I also hope that Stadium Club considers giving him a spot on the team for Snowbird Softball.
JoseCanseco I had to give away one of my dogs that broke my heart cause I love animals and I am surprised my girlfriend hasn't left me because I have 0
Is there anything coming up more exciting than Jose Canseco's girlfriend dumping him? Clearly, this is going to happen, and I don't think it's too far off. And once it does, the tweets are going to be off the chain. I also expect that this will directly lead to Jose and I becoming best friends...forever. This blog is going to be 1000 times cooler when I can write about me and my good chum Jose Canseco, palling around and scoping some strange. Jose finally took a break from Tweeting for a little bit, but he came back, and he came back strong.
JoseCanseco First of all tmz is lieing I shop at marshalls
Most disappointing part about this tweet was that it did not start an epic list of things that he needed the world to know. The second most disappointing thing was when I went to TMZ to see the story of "Jose Canseco Does Not Shop at Marshall's," I was unable to find it. In fact, TMZ hasn't had a story involving Jose Canseco since he wore a really tight shirt. That story was like a year ago. But just in case you read the imaginary story saying that Jose does not shop at Marshall's, don't worry about it, that imaginary story is lying. Jose's just like us, looking for great threads at great prices, don't let anything in Imaginationland make you think differently.
JoseCanseco I am sleeping in someones garage but its pretty good
I wonder if that person has been able to form his penthouse to the garage yet. I bet that's Jose's job instead of paying for rent.
JoseCanseco Yes I did sign with the laredo broncos I miss and love the game will be with them on monday
And despite MLB's best efforts, Jose Canseco is back, playing the game that he loves. Yes, it's independent ball, but it's not for the money, it's for the love of the game. Jose has been looking into becoming a manager, maybe he could be player-manager for Laredo. Jose, your star shines bright. You are a true (Cuban) American hero.
-Joe
P.S. Kenny Powers also tweets, this is what he had to say:
KFUCKINGP If you're not wasted, the fucking day is.
P.P.S. I really wish one of my friends was a Raiders fan, because this would be the ultimate slap in the face gift for them. At only $3, it would also make a pretty awesome fantasy football trophy.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Friday, August 13, 2010
Friday Link Party
It's Friday, and I just looked at the date and realized it's Friday the 13th. For dumbasses, this means something. For me, it means absolutely nothing. I already got my run on, gonna work on some writing projects, and kick ass in video games. I love Fridays. But I don't feel like writing anything of importance on this website, so we'll have a Friday link party.
Although many of you may have seen this already, this simultaneously gives me chills and pumps me up enough to put my head through a wall.
Do you want to see cool personified? Sorry to the Matt Melloy fans out there, but here it is.
I am definitely going to sing this song if I have a child. I doubt the doctors will find it nearly as amusing as I will.
Well, I guess I don't have to write this chapter in my quintessential guide to seducing women, because Batman already took care of it.
Finally, here is an article about brand new Hall of Famer, Scottie Pippen. Pippen was always my favorite player growing up, and I still think he's underrated by a lot of people because he played with Jordan. His season when Jordan retired is one of the greatest seasons that nobody recognizes in NBA history. He led the Bulls in points, assists, and steals, while being second in rebounds and blocks. Unfortunately the article does not touch on his cameo in the hit movie, Midgets vs. Mascots, but no writing is perfect.
-Joe
P.S. I will not be making any picks for Strikeforce's Women's tournament tonight. Sorry for those who were looking forward to that.
Although many of you may have seen this already, this simultaneously gives me chills and pumps me up enough to put my head through a wall.
Do you want to see cool personified? Sorry to the Matt Melloy fans out there, but here it is.
I am definitely going to sing this song if I have a child. I doubt the doctors will find it nearly as amusing as I will.
Well, I guess I don't have to write this chapter in my quintessential guide to seducing women, because Batman already took care of it.
Finally, here is an article about brand new Hall of Famer, Scottie Pippen. Pippen was always my favorite player growing up, and I still think he's underrated by a lot of people because he played with Jordan. His season when Jordan retired is one of the greatest seasons that nobody recognizes in NBA history. He led the Bulls in points, assists, and steals, while being second in rebounds and blocks. Unfortunately the article does not touch on his cameo in the hit movie, Midgets vs. Mascots, but no writing is perfect.
-Joe
P.S. I will not be making any picks for Strikeforce's Women's tournament tonight. Sorry for those who were looking forward to that.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
UFC 117 Picks
Alright, UFC 117 is just a couple days away, and I am incredibly excited because it is the best card the UFC has put together in over a year. I'll quickly go through the undercard, and then go more in depth on the main card.
Ben Saunders over Dennis Hallman - I think Saunders uses his size to keep the fight standing and picks him apart.
Tim Boetsch over Todd Brown - Brown is a last second replacement, so I think he'll lose.
Stefan Struve over Christian Morecraft - Struve is too dangerous in too many areas for Morecraft.
Johny Hendricks over Charlie Brenneman - Unless Mark Perry comes in with a Brenneman mask on, Hendricks will take this one.
Phil Davis over Rodney Wallace - Even though Phil Davis claims he is Mr. Wonderful, he is no Paul Orndorff, but he's still good enough to beat Wallace.
Rick Story over Dustin Hazelett - This is one of the toughest fights to pick, but I'll go with Story since Hazelett has had a really long layoff, and I think Story can grind out a decision.
And now onto the main card.
Clay Guida vs. Rafael dos Anjos - Dos Anjos has been on a quiet three fight winning streak. He is very good on the ground, so he is definitely a dangerous fighter. Unfortunately, I think Guida is going to be too much for him. Dos Anjos last loss was against Tyson Griffin, and I could see this fight looking a lot like that one where Guida is able to control dos Anjos and impose his will on him. Guida has a crazy fast pace, and it will be extremely hard for the Brazilian to keep pace with him. Clay Guida via Unanimous Decision.
Matt Hughes vs. Ricardo Almeida - A lot of the MMA experts seem to be immediately discounting Hughes' chances of winning this fight. I wouldn't discount him so fast. In the last nine years, Hughes has only lost to BJ Penn, GSP, and Thiago Alves. Yes, he is getting older, but his standup did look improved when he fought Renzo Gracie (who is admittedly not the best barometer for judging someone's striking). Hughes' ground game has always been underrated, because the reason he was so great at ground and pound was because he was also great at avoiding submissions. With that being said, Almeida is going to be a tough fight. Almeida has an excellent ground game, and even with Hughes' submission defense, he can definitely still cause problems on the ground. Let's face it, against the top of the weight class, Hughes really can't hang anymore, but it doesn't mean he's completely washed up either, and I think Hughes can take this fight. Matt Hughes via Unanimous Decision.
Roy Nelson vs. Junior dos Santos - Dos Santos seems to be the chosen one to challenge for the heavyweight title after Velasquez fights Lesnar. He has excellent standup skills and does a good enough job of takedown defense that he hasn't had to worry about his ground game. He trains with a lot of very good grapplers, so it should at least be solid for the heavyweight division. Roy Nelson is the fat guy, and he would admit that himself. He also probably knows that even though Dana White announced this as a #1 contender's match, he is not supposed to be the guy who ends up victorious. He's solid in every aspect, and very good at jiu jitsu from the top control where he has really learned to use his belly to his advantage. Although he isn't the prototypical build, people shouldn't immediately discount him. On paper, dos Santos wins this fight, but it's not fought on paper, and that is why I am going for the upset. I mean if Fedor can lose, I certainly think Junior dos Santos can lose. Roy Nelson via 1st Round Submission.
Thiago Alves vs. Jon Fitch - Jon Fitch is the ultimate grinder. He hasn't finished a fight in over three years. He isn't flashy in any way, and it looks like he struggles for everything that he gets, but against everyone not named GSP, he finds a way to get what he wants nonetheless. Thiago Alves is a much flashier fighter, and he's probably the biggest welterweight in the weight class. If Alves keeps the fight standing, he should be able to take out Fitch on the feet. Alves manhandled a guy I consider a better wrestler in Josh Koscheck, so it would seem that this would have a good chance of happening. But I don't think it does. Koscheck fought a stupid fight where he wanted to stand far more than he wanted to go to his wrestling. I think Fitch does what he needs to do to win this fight, but I don't think he finishes him. Jon Fitch via Unanimous Decision.
Chael Sonnen vs. Anderson Silva - Before I break down this fight, let's check out some video that will help everyone make their decision.
Yeah, so Chael Sonnen may have lost his mind. And I absolutely love it. He accused Lance Armstrong of giving himself cancer on a radio show and the next day said he has never said a thing about Lance Armstrong. This guy is so batshit crazy, he makes girls look sane. He is a huge underdog in this fight, but you could never convince him of that.
Do you hear that? That must be Anderson Silva walking into a room, because I can actually hear a rat piss on cotton. In the second video, Chael Sonnen says he has never lost a second of any fight that he has been in. He's lost TEN times. The third video is the best, but I can't even get into the awesomeness of how awesome it's awesomisity is.
Does Chael Sonnen being a sociopath worry me? Of course it does. Does it excite me? Hell yes it does. Chael Sonnen will not give up in this fight. Against Anderson Silva, that usually wouldn't mean much, because Silva destroys everybody, but Sonnen is the perfect style matchup against Anderson Silva. Silva has fought one good wrestler in the UFC when he fought Dan Henderson. Henderson took him down and dominated him in the first round. Then he did what Dan Henderson does and just fought however he wanted to fight instead of sticking to his gameplan. Because of this, he got knocked silly and then choked out.
Chael Sonnen is here to win and he is going to impose his will in this fight. He's not going to mess around and stand with Silva; he's going to shoot in for a takedown and pound on him. I don't see why he can't be successful doing this. It would be irresponsible on my part if I didn't bring up Anderson Silva's black belt in jiu-jitsu, or the fact that he does have very dangerous elbows even with his back on the mat. The jiu-jitsu worries me a lot less than the elbows. Nate Marquardt is also a black belt, and he didn't threaten Sonnen with submissions. His elbows are a weapon, and I think that if Sonnen does fight smart, they are his key to keeping his title. People do stupid stuff when taking hard elbows to the dome, and it's a good way for Silva to set up an armbar or triangle attempt. But Chael Sonnen is my guy, and that is why he will be the new UFC Middleweight Champion. Chael Sonnen by 3rd Round TKO.
-Joe
P.S. This is only for extreme nerds, but if you love the NFL Draft anywhere near as much as I do, here is a great spot to check out some of the prospects highlights from 2009 games. Also, here is the Adrian Clayborn highlight from the Georgia Tech game. Good luck not getting at least a half-chub from watching this, even you ladies.
Ben Saunders over Dennis Hallman - I think Saunders uses his size to keep the fight standing and picks him apart.
Tim Boetsch over Todd Brown - Brown is a last second replacement, so I think he'll lose.
Stefan Struve over Christian Morecraft - Struve is too dangerous in too many areas for Morecraft.
Johny Hendricks over Charlie Brenneman - Unless Mark Perry comes in with a Brenneman mask on, Hendricks will take this one.
Phil Davis over Rodney Wallace - Even though Phil Davis claims he is Mr. Wonderful, he is no Paul Orndorff, but he's still good enough to beat Wallace.
Rick Story over Dustin Hazelett - This is one of the toughest fights to pick, but I'll go with Story since Hazelett has had a really long layoff, and I think Story can grind out a decision.
And now onto the main card.
Clay Guida vs. Rafael dos Anjos - Dos Anjos has been on a quiet three fight winning streak. He is very good on the ground, so he is definitely a dangerous fighter. Unfortunately, I think Guida is going to be too much for him. Dos Anjos last loss was against Tyson Griffin, and I could see this fight looking a lot like that one where Guida is able to control dos Anjos and impose his will on him. Guida has a crazy fast pace, and it will be extremely hard for the Brazilian to keep pace with him. Clay Guida via Unanimous Decision.
Matt Hughes vs. Ricardo Almeida - A lot of the MMA experts seem to be immediately discounting Hughes' chances of winning this fight. I wouldn't discount him so fast. In the last nine years, Hughes has only lost to BJ Penn, GSP, and Thiago Alves. Yes, he is getting older, but his standup did look improved when he fought Renzo Gracie (who is admittedly not the best barometer for judging someone's striking). Hughes' ground game has always been underrated, because the reason he was so great at ground and pound was because he was also great at avoiding submissions. With that being said, Almeida is going to be a tough fight. Almeida has an excellent ground game, and even with Hughes' submission defense, he can definitely still cause problems on the ground. Let's face it, against the top of the weight class, Hughes really can't hang anymore, but it doesn't mean he's completely washed up either, and I think Hughes can take this fight. Matt Hughes via Unanimous Decision.
Roy Nelson vs. Junior dos Santos - Dos Santos seems to be the chosen one to challenge for the heavyweight title after Velasquez fights Lesnar. He has excellent standup skills and does a good enough job of takedown defense that he hasn't had to worry about his ground game. He trains with a lot of very good grapplers, so it should at least be solid for the heavyweight division. Roy Nelson is the fat guy, and he would admit that himself. He also probably knows that even though Dana White announced this as a #1 contender's match, he is not supposed to be the guy who ends up victorious. He's solid in every aspect, and very good at jiu jitsu from the top control where he has really learned to use his belly to his advantage. Although he isn't the prototypical build, people shouldn't immediately discount him. On paper, dos Santos wins this fight, but it's not fought on paper, and that is why I am going for the upset. I mean if Fedor can lose, I certainly think Junior dos Santos can lose. Roy Nelson via 1st Round Submission.
Thiago Alves vs. Jon Fitch - Jon Fitch is the ultimate grinder. He hasn't finished a fight in over three years. He isn't flashy in any way, and it looks like he struggles for everything that he gets, but against everyone not named GSP, he finds a way to get what he wants nonetheless. Thiago Alves is a much flashier fighter, and he's probably the biggest welterweight in the weight class. If Alves keeps the fight standing, he should be able to take out Fitch on the feet. Alves manhandled a guy I consider a better wrestler in Josh Koscheck, so it would seem that this would have a good chance of happening. But I don't think it does. Koscheck fought a stupid fight where he wanted to stand far more than he wanted to go to his wrestling. I think Fitch does what he needs to do to win this fight, but I don't think he finishes him. Jon Fitch via Unanimous Decision.
Chael Sonnen vs. Anderson Silva - Before I break down this fight, let's check out some video that will help everyone make their decision.
Yeah, so Chael Sonnen may have lost his mind. And I absolutely love it. He accused Lance Armstrong of giving himself cancer on a radio show and the next day said he has never said a thing about Lance Armstrong. This guy is so batshit crazy, he makes girls look sane. He is a huge underdog in this fight, but you could never convince him of that.
Do you hear that? That must be Anderson Silva walking into a room, because I can actually hear a rat piss on cotton. In the second video, Chael Sonnen says he has never lost a second of any fight that he has been in. He's lost TEN times. The third video is the best, but I can't even get into the awesomeness of how awesome it's awesomisity is.
Does Chael Sonnen being a sociopath worry me? Of course it does. Does it excite me? Hell yes it does. Chael Sonnen will not give up in this fight. Against Anderson Silva, that usually wouldn't mean much, because Silva destroys everybody, but Sonnen is the perfect style matchup against Anderson Silva. Silva has fought one good wrestler in the UFC when he fought Dan Henderson. Henderson took him down and dominated him in the first round. Then he did what Dan Henderson does and just fought however he wanted to fight instead of sticking to his gameplan. Because of this, he got knocked silly and then choked out.
Chael Sonnen is here to win and he is going to impose his will in this fight. He's not going to mess around and stand with Silva; he's going to shoot in for a takedown and pound on him. I don't see why he can't be successful doing this. It would be irresponsible on my part if I didn't bring up Anderson Silva's black belt in jiu-jitsu, or the fact that he does have very dangerous elbows even with his back on the mat. The jiu-jitsu worries me a lot less than the elbows. Nate Marquardt is also a black belt, and he didn't threaten Sonnen with submissions. His elbows are a weapon, and I think that if Sonnen does fight smart, they are his key to keeping his title. People do stupid stuff when taking hard elbows to the dome, and it's a good way for Silva to set up an armbar or triangle attempt. But Chael Sonnen is my guy, and that is why he will be the new UFC Middleweight Champion. Chael Sonnen by 3rd Round TKO.
-Joe
P.S. This is only for extreme nerds, but if you love the NFL Draft anywhere near as much as I do, here is a great spot to check out some of the prospects highlights from 2009 games. Also, here is the Adrian Clayborn highlight from the Georgia Tech game. Good luck not getting at least a half-chub from watching this, even you ladies.
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