The 45 Most Important Players to the Chicago Bulls Dynasty - #1 Michael Jordan

Michael Jordan
And so we've come to the end of the road. Surprise, surprise, Michael Jordan made the top spot of the most important players to the Chicago Bulls dynasty. Here's the problem with Michael Jordan: What can I say about Michael Jordan that hasn't been said at least a thousand times before? Everybody already knows how good Michael Jordan was. Most consider him the greatest ever, so breaking down his stats is a waste of everyone's time. Luckily, I'm smart enough to know that my words in this scenario are overrated, so let's consult YouTube and look at some of his greatest career highlights.

Since Jordan was known for his high flying ways, let's start off by looking at his five best dunks. That seems a little broad, so instead of just going with overall dunks, let's only focus on the five best occasions of Michael Jordan dunking on very good NBA player, Armen Gilliam.

My favorite thing, outside of the fact that somebody made a cut up just to shame Armen Gilliam, is that Michael Jordan not only has five AMAZING dunks on Gilliam, but he did it while Gilliam played for three separate teams. It's like Jordan looked forward to the schedule to see when he could punk out poor Gilliam, and that 100% seems like something Michael Jordan would do.

MJ was known for his insane competitiveness as no matter what was at stake, he simply refused to lose. And this may be the greatest embodiment of that as Chris Paul said that if Michael Jordan missed three of six shots, every kid at the basketball camp would get a free pair of Air Jordans.
Of course, Michael Jordan couldn't miss three shots, or two shots, or even a single of the six shots he took, because he's Michael Jordan, and he has to win. My favorite part of the video is that in the cut up you can hear the kids get more and more depressed as he keeps hitting shots. The man is ruthless. After Jordan made all six shots, Chris Paul gave them a second chance to give out the shoes if he could make all six shots, but he missed his third attempt. MJ's got to keep them profit margins on point.

As you can see, Michael Jordan is an over-competitive assho...uh, jerk. That's what made him great. But he also had a softer side as he could be charming and fun to be around when he wanted to be as shown in the below video where he throws a football 65 yards, but the best part is him interacting with kids.

Some kid says that he heard that Michael Jordan threw three no hitters when he was a kid, and Jordan's response is pretty great, "I did? Where'd you find that out; I think they asked my father that. He kinda lied. That's okay. It's in the book. It's record now." Also, let's ignore the fact that if those kids were Michael Jordan's neighbors, they are probably hedge fund managers now and likely horrific scumbags.

Finally, let's wrap things up with a couple of MJ's endorsements. First, Gatorade, where one of the most memorable jingles of all time was established, as everybody wanted to be "Like Mike."

I cannot help but smile when I watch that commercial.

And one last commercial, where Michael Jordan and Larry Bird compete for $4 worth of fast food.
Word has it that they made all of these shots on the first try, but sorry Larry, there's no way you were getting Michael's Big Mac. When you actually consider it, is it fair to say Michael Jordan is the greatest commercial actor in history? It's tough to think of anybody who can match up with him. But that's just a part of his story. The bigger part of the story is that he is greatest basketball player of all time, and that is why he was a no-brainer for the greatest Chicago Bull of their 1990s dynasty.

All Previous Entries:

#45 - Jack Haley

#44 - Rory Sparrow

#43 - Chuck Nevitt

#42 - David Vaughn

#41 - Jo Jo English

#40 - Ricky Blanton

#39 - Matt Steigenga

#38 - Joe Courtney

#37 - Keith Booth

#36 - Mark Randall

#35 - Ed Nealy

#34 - Rusty LaRue

#33 - Corey Williams

#32 - Joe Kleine

#31 - John Salley

#30 - James Edwards

#29 - Robert Parish

#28 - Darrell Walker

#27 - Rodney McCray

#26 - Dennis Hopson

#25 - Trent Tucker

#24 - Dickey Simpkins

#23 - Bobby Hansen

#22 - Scott Burrell

#21 - Bison Dele

#20 - Craig Hodges

#19 - Jud Buechler

#18 - Randy Brown

#17 - Cliff Levingston

#16 - Stacey King

#15 - Jason Caffey

#14 - Bill Wennington

#13 - Will Perdue

#12 - Scott Williams

#11 - Steve Kerr

#10 - BJ Armstrong

#9 - Luc Longley

#8 - John Paxson 

#7 - Bill Cartwright

#6 - Toni Kukoc

#5 - Ron Harper

#4 - Dennis Rodman

#3 - Horace Grant 

#2 - Scottie Pippen

The 45 Most Important Players to the Chicago Bulls Dynasty - #13 Will Perdue

Will Perdue
William Edward Perdue III was drafted 11th overall in the 1988 NBA Draft after a five-year career at Vanderbilt which saw him average a double-double during his senior season and was names the SEC Player of the Year.

Although Perdue was drafted as the Bulls center of the future, he never quite lived up to those expectations. He was never able to pass up Bill Cartwright on the depth chart, and when Cartwright left, Luc Longley stepped up to take over the role. Still, Perdue filled his backup role admirably, even if Michael Jordan hated him.

And Michael Jordan REALLY hated Will Perdue. Jordan used to fire the ball into Perdue as hard as he could since he knew Perdue didn't have the best hands. when the ball would bounce away, it would give Jordan an opportunity to openly chastise Perdue for messing up. This was tame considering that one time when Perdue set a hard screen on Jordan during practice, Jordan hit him with two punches while cussing up a storm. Even Phil Jackson wasn't a big fan as he refused to give Perdue more minutes since he thought he was too soft on defense.

But despite some high level people thinking quite lowly of him, Perdue hung around and contributed to the Bulls second team. Knowing there were better scoring options, Perdue filled his role and nearly had as many double-digit rebounding games (seven) as he did double-digit scoring games (eight) during the 1990-91 season. He got consistent playing time during the Bulls first championship run, but his standout performance was in the series-clinching game against the New York Knicks where he put up 16 points and ten rebounds off the bench.

That second Bulls Championship year was very similar, including a 16 point, ten rebound performance in the opening game of the playoffs against the Miami Heat. His minutes fell off slightly as Scott Williams emerged as the number one big man off the bench, but Perdue still filled his role as a contributor. In 1992-93, his role during the regular season stayed the same, although he played in just one game in the NBA Finals that year as they found Williams and Stacey King better suited to play against the Suns high-paced attack.

Perdue hung onto the Bulls roster for both the 1993-94 and 1994-95 seasons, but was traded to the San Antonio Spurs before the next threepeat, although he was able to get a fourth ring in 1999. He ended up signing on with the Bulls for another year after that for a cool $5.3 million, which was more than he made in six seasons during his previous sting with the team.

Since there are no real stories of what Will Perdue is up to these days. Let's watch Will Perdue throw it down a couple times.

The Prince of Vanderbilt, throwing it down like a straight up G.

Previous Entries:

#45 - Jack Haley

#44 - Rory Sparrow

#43 - Chuck Nevitt

#42 - David Vaughn

#41 - Jo Jo English

#40 - Ricky Blanton

#39 - Matt Steigenga

#38 - Joe Courtney

#37 - Keith Booth

#36 - Mark Randall

#35 - Ed Nealy

#34 - Rusty LaRue

#33 - Corey Williams

#32 - Joe Kleine

#31 - John Salley

#30 - James Edwards

#29 - Robert Parish

#28 - Darrell Walker

#27 - Rodney McCray

#26 - Dennis Hopson

#25 - Trent Tucker

#24 - Dickey Simpkins

#23 - Bobby Hansen

#22 - Scott Burrell

#21 - Bison Dele

#20 - Craig Hodges

#19 - Jud Buechler

#18 - Randy Brown

#17 - Cliff Levingston

#16 - Stacey King

#15 - Jason Caffey

#14 - Bill Wennington

The 45 Most Important Players to the Chicago Bulls Dynasty - #23 Bobby Hansen

Bobby Hansen
As a fellow former Hawkeye, Bobby Hansen is near and dear to my heart. Bobby Hansen played for Iowa during the Lute Olson days, before Lute headed to Arizona to dominate college basketball. He teamed up with basketball legends such as Ronnie Lester, Greg Stokes, and Brad Lohaus...okay, so maybe Iowa doesn't have the greatest basketball tradition. Still, Bobby Hansen's senior year where he scored 15.4 points and had 5.4 rebounds per game were enough to get him drafted in the third round by the Utah Jazz.

After spending his first seven seasons in Utah, he played a year with Sacramento before being traded two days into the season to the Chicago Bulls (along with a pick that would become Corey Williams
) in exchange for future article subject, Dennis Hopson. Fun fact: In Hansen's last game with the Sacramento Kings, they would lose by 62 points to the Golden State Warriors. The Bulls partly acquired Hansen because he had a low salary, so it wouldn't be a big deal if they decided to release him to acquire someone better as a backup guard.

But Bobby Hansen defied the odds and stayed an active member of the roster for the entire season through the playoffs. He played in a total of 66 games, with his best performance coming against the Charlotte Hornets when he went 6-7 from the field with 13 points, 5 assists, 2 rebounds, and three steals. Maybe his most interesting individual contribution on the season is that he shot a putrid 28% from the free throw line. But basketball is a team sport, and the Bulls won their first 14 games that Bobby Hansen played in. In fact, the Bulls would go on to have a 58-8 record when Hansen got playing time but just 9-7 when he did not. I'm not saying the Bulls were only a fringe playoff team without Bobby Hansen, but the stats don't lie.

Although Hansen played sparingly in the early rounds of the playoffs (only four games through the first three rounds), when the Bulls were on the precipice of greatness, they knew to get Hansen on the court. He played in five of six games, including a memorable performance in game six. The Bulls entered the fourth quarter trailing by 15 points, so Phil Jackson rested Michael Jordan to start he period and put in Hansen.

Hansen got the comeback going, nailing his only shot, a three pointer, and adding an assist and a steal. The Bulls would go on a 14-2 run to close the gap, and then Michael Jordan came in to secure a four-point victory to give the Bulls back-to-back championships.

After the season, like many players from these Bulls teams, he called it a career. Bobby Hansen got to go out like a champion. He now is a radio broadcaster for Iowa Hawkeyes basketball and retires with the greatest missed layup in NBA history.

Previous Entries:

#45 - Jack Haley

#44 - Rory Sparrow

#43 - Chuck Nevitt

#42 - David Vaughn

#41 - Jo Jo English

#40 - Ricky Blanton

#39 - Matt Steigenga

#38 - Joe Courtney

#37 - Keith Booth

#36 - Mark Randall

#35 - Ed Nealy

#34 - Rusty LaRue

#33 - Corey Williams

#32 - Joe Kleine

#31 - John Salley

#30 - James Edwards

#29 - Robert Parish

#28 - Darrell Walker

#27 - Rodney McCray

#26 - Dennis Hopson

#25 - Trent Tucker

#24 - Dickey Simpkins

The 45 Most Important Players to the Chicago Bulls Dynasty - #33 Corey Williams

Corey Williams
Corey Williams was drafted at the top of the second round of the 1992 NBA Draft by the Chicago Bulls. The Bulls had this high pick in the second round as part of a deal that will involve two people that we will get to later on this list, as Bobby Hansen also headed to the Bulls in exchange for Dennis Hopson.

Although his numbers at Oklahoma State didn't stand out, his athleticism did. He was even drafted by the Kansas City Chiefs in the 12th round of the NFL Draft despite not playing football since middle school. This was during a period where any really good athlete had the potential to become Michael Jordan which just showed how little people understood about how a Michael Jordan is created.

But Corey Williams was good enough to become a bench contributor for the 1992-93 Chicago Bulls. But for a guy who played in 35 games, he found a way to have some really nondescript contributions. Here are his season highs:

Points: 10
Rebounds: 4
Assists: 2
Steals: 1
Blocks: 1
Minutes: 23

There's not a ton to get excited about there, but I am happy that he scored double-digit points once in his career.

These numbers were not enough to earn him any playing time during the playoffs. He was waived before the following season, played a handful of games with the Minnesota Timberwolves and his NBA career was over. Williams stayed active in basketball by playing in China. He then became an assistant coach at the college level and is currently the head coach at Stetson. They are the best smelling team in college basketball.

Previous Entries:

#45 - Jack Haley

#44 - Rory Sparrow

#43 - Chuck Nevitt

#42 - David Vaughn

#41 - Jo Jo English

#40 - Ricky Blanton

#39 - Matt Steigenga

#38 - Joe Courtney

#37 - Keith Booth

#36 - Mark Randall

#35 - Ed Nealy

#34 - Rusty LaRue

The 45 Most Important Players to the Chicago Bulls Dynasty - #36 Mark Randall

Mark Randall
Mark Randall ended his collegiate career with heartbreak as his Kansas Jayhawks lost to the Duke Blue Devils in the NCAA Finals. He put up 18 points with ten rebounds in that game, but it was not enough to overcome the dynamic duo of Christian Laettener and Bobby Hurley.

Although his college career ended in disappointment, he had to be happy a few months later when he was the Bulls first round pick in the 1991 NBA Draft. The Bulls were coming off of their first championship and Randall was hoping that he could help them to a few more down the line. As a very good college player, it seemed that he would at least find a role as a big man off the bench.

Unfortunately for Randall, the Bulls returned all 12 players from their championship team the previous year. Barring injury, that didn't leave a whole lot of room for anyone to make contributions to the 1991-92 squad.

Still, Randall got his opportunity early in the season. He played in 15 games, almost exclusively in mop up minutes, but still, he got some time on the court in a good amount of the games early on that season. He didn't do anything particularly well as he basically accumulated one great game in 67 minutes. 26 points, 9 rebounds, and 7 assists, although the 8 fouls would have been an issue.

And then everybody got healthy and Randall was squeezed out. He was waived on December 30, 1991 but was quickly picked up by the Minnesota Timberwolves. He played a few more seasons in the NBA but never had any meaningful minutes. Still, he parlayed his limited time with the Denver Nuggets into a position as Community Ambassador, a position he still holds to this day.

Even though he probably couldn't take on Michael Jordan in basketball, he'd give him a hell of a run on the links as he is a 1 handicap golfer.

Previous Entries:

#45 - Jack Haley

#44 - Rory Sparrow

#43 - Chuck Nevitt

#42 - David Vaughn

#41 - Jo Jo English

#40 - Ricky Blanton

#39 - Matt Steigenga

#38 - Joe Courtney

#37 - Keith Booth

The 45 Most Important Players to the Chicago Bulls Dynasty - #44 Rory Sparrow

I just read "The Jordan Rules," Sam Smith's story of the 1990-1991 Chicago Bulls season that primarily focuses on Michael Jordan, but through nearly 400 pages, everybody gets a fair amount of ink. It made me long for those Chicago Bulls glory days, so I am going to go back and rank every player's contribution to the Bulls six NBA Titles during the 1990s.

Rory Sparrow
Rory Sparrow is way too good of a basketball player to be this low on the list. He played 12 years in the NBA, and he was good. Oh, but there is a slight addendum to that, as he was good for every team except for the Chicago Bulls.

Excluding his first and last seasons, Sparrow averaged double digit points per game for every team he played with for at least one season except for the Chicago Bulls. Probably his best season was his 1984-85 season with the Knicks where he averaged ten points, seven assists, two rebounds, and a steal, all while shooting over 50% from the field and 86% from the free throw line.

But let's get to how Sparrow did for the Bulls. Looking for help early in the 1987-88 season, the Bulls traded the Knicks a second round pick for his services. He received a good amount of playing time, averaging 18 minutes per game, but he made little impact in games. This was probably only partially due to deteriorating skills as this was in the prime of Michael Jordan hogging the ball and verbally abusing anyone else who dared to take a bad shot.

He was released before the 1988-89 season and provided solid play for the Miami Heat and Sacramento Kings. In 1991, the Los Angeles Clippers signed him for the preseason but released him before the season began. The Bulls swooped in to sign him to strengthen their bench as the season began.

Unfortunately, the second stint was shorter and less productive than the first. He played in four games, and his most impressive stat was getting four assists during his 18 minutes of play. He was 1/8 from the field and really didn't offer much beyond that. He lasted just 19 days with the team before being waived.

Out of everyone on this list, he probably belongs in the top-15 for overall career, but we're judging how much he helped the Bulls Dynasty, and he had very little positive impact on that 1991-92 season.

I think he's okay with that. He won Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year in 1987 for his charitable endeavors, and he currently works for the NBA league office. On top of that, he's the greatest Rory in NBA history. Not too shabby for a fourth round pick out of Villanova.

Previous Entries:

#45 - Jack Haley

I Loved Tito Ortiz vs. Chael Sonnen

I am a sucker for the previous generation of mixed martial arts. I can't watch Michael Jordan nailing fadeaways in basketball, Glenallen Hill swinging for the fences in baseball, or, uh, Jim Miller? throwing that pigskin around at a competitive level anymore, but I can still watch MMA legends compete well past their prime. Bellator is delivering me those desired fights by matching up Tito Ortiz vs. Chael Sonnen.

I was never a big Tito Ortiz fan. His biggest run was during a pretty dark age for the UFC, and he had gone downhill by the time that MMA started to gain popularity again under new ownership and piggybacking off the success of The Ultimate Fighter. Still, he's an important part of the history of MMA, and he was known as a good trash talker back in the day. This man is a Donald Trump supporter who can barely string together a sentence, but he was able to talk circles around Ken Shamrock, who somehow managed to get worse at talking after spending years in professional wrestling.

On the other hand, Chael Sonnen was my jam. Sonnen played the part of the heel, and he enjoyed every second of it. Sonnen is incredibly intelligent, and he knows how to play the game and was the ultimate provocateur. He once accused the Nogueiras of petting a bus, because they thought it was a horse. I was nearly in tears at the ways that he insulted Brazilians, even though Big Nog and Wanderlei Silva are two of my favorite fighters ever. But when you were a fan of Sonnen, you kind of knew that you were in on the joke with him. None of it was said with animosity, and if you took it seriously, you had already lost. On top of all of this, he was a wrestler, and I have an incredible bias towards favoring wrestlers in mixed martial arts. He came incredibly close to winning titles in two different weight classes. Sure, everyone remembers how he was only a couple minutes away from completing a beatdown on Anderson Silva, but don't forget his match with Jon Jones. Sonnen got absolutely annihilated and finished in the first round, but had he lasted a minute longer, the ref would have had to stop the fight since Jones broke a toe while he was beating on Sonnen. It would have been the most Chael Sonnen win in history. Instead, we have Sonnen facing off against Ortiz.

Now was this fight objectively good? Oh, God no. But was it entertaining? Of course it was. Despite it being Tito Ortiz's retirement fight and a fight that is about three years after Chael Sonnen's retirement, I was still totally jacked to see these two fight. And for the two minutes that this fight went on, it gave me everything I needed.

Tito got some good shots in standing, looked to have a takedown but got outgrappled by the superior wrestler in Sonnen. Sonnen could have legitimately had a choke but didn't have enough confidence in his jiu jitsu to actually go all out for it. Then he did something stupid, let Ortiz mount him and gave up on the fight at that point. Ortiz finished him with a neck crank, because when things went south for Sonnen, there was no need for him to fight on; he already got paid.

Afterwards, Tito actually gave one of his best speeches for his retirement, and it's good that he goes out on "top" because he's an important figure who, with his delusions, will think that this cements his legacy, even though his legacy was decided a decade ago. Still, crazy people living in a world of crazy is the safest place they can be. Let Tito stay in his safe space.

What is most important for Sonnen is that he ran circles around Tito in the pre-match buildup, and that means he'll continue to get paid. We kind of knew that Sonnen was not likely to win the fight, and we'll likely know that he won't win his next fight. But I'll still watch. Because with both guys, winning the fight wasn't the main point. They were spectacles on their own. The fight was the sideshow.

Derrick Rose Was Our Guy

Derrick Rose was our guy. I say was, because yesterday, Derrick Rose was traded from the Chicago Bulls to the New York Knicks. When I first saw the news, I felt a bit of numbness. I know Derrick Rose hasn't been the player he was before his injuries, but I was still hanging on and hoping that one day he would come back and relive those former glory days. So it stopped me in my tracks when I saw it. I'm going to miss Derrick Rose.

There's not many athletes that have meant as much to Chicago sports fans as Derrick Rose. In basketball, there was nobody that could touch his popularity since Michael Jordan. And for all of Chicago sports, the only person that can compare since Jordan is probably Brian Urlacher. Derrick Rose was our guy.

Let's not forget that the Bulls had no reasonable chance to get him but still somehow won that lottery. Derrick Rose was our blessing. And he was a hometown guy. He was a super athletic point guard in a league that was fading away from the dominance of big men. He was literally the perfect superstar to bring the Bulls back to glory.

And the crazy thing is that he did it. He brought the Bulls back to levels they had not seen since MJ. With Tom Thibodeau coaching, the Bulls had a hard-nosed team that were a nightmare for any team to play. Thibs and Noah led the defense, and Derrick Rose was the offense. In their one opportunity before the injury, the Bulls cruised to the Eastern Conference Semis to take on the Miami Heat. Everyone in the world was rooting for the Bulls, and they came out and smashed the Heat by 20. They dropped the next two, but with time ticking down, Derrick Rose had a shot at the buzzer to take game four. It rimmed out, and the Bulls lost in overtime. They then barely lost at home in game 5. People remember it as a dominant 4-1 Heat win in that series, but man, had Derrick Rose just had that one break with the ball rolling in instead of out, it could've been far different.

And that pretty much sums up Derrick Rose's career to this point. It's a lot of what ifs, and so closes but not quites. I could try to go through all of them, but that would make this post incredibly long, and more importantly, I think it would just be too painful. Derrick Rose gave me so much hope, but his career has been emotionally draining to me as well. That's what happens when we care too much. It's stupid and completely illogical to care this much, but I can't help it. Derrick Rose was our guy.

God, this is really sounding like an obituary, so let's remember that he just got traded. He's gone, but we can still see him every now and then. I'll still be rooting for him, as he grasps for that glory that constantly seems just out of reach. But it won't be the same. He's not a Bull anymore. He's not a Chicago lifer. He's not the problem, and he's not the solution. But let's not forget, Derrick Rose was our guy.

The Cleveland Cavaliers Won't Win Game Six

In a must-win situation, the Cavaliers staved off elimination in game five at Golden State, and people are almost letting themselves believe in the power of LeBron and Kyrie. Here's the thing though, they don't stand a chance in this series, and they won't even win in Cleveland tonight.

I've been meaning to talk about how horrifically overrated the Cavaliers were this postseason, and I really missed my ideal window when they were dominating crappy East teams, but luckily, they gave me one more shot to address it before this season is over. People are talking about how the Cavaliers may have figured out something in Draymond Green's absence, and with Kyrie and LeBron on the same page, they can handle everything the Warriors throw at them, but people are missing the point. Although LeBron and Kyrie were great, it may have been the worst performance the Cavaliers have had. They did absolutely nothing to create shots on offense. It was that same old iso-ball that is not a long-term solution to an offense, and the Cavaliers are going to find that out sooner rather than later.

Now before I get into the negatives, let's quickly talk about their one great positive: LeBron James. LeBron James is incredible. He's the most talented basketball player to ever play in the NBA. Anytime you mention LeBron's greatness, it must always be in comparison to Michael Jordan, but for actual play on the court, LeBron is more comparable to Scottie Pippen. But imagine if Pippen had the damn athleticism of Allen Iverson while being built like Karl Malone. Yeah, it takes three Hall of Famers to describe how gifted LeBron is, so even though Steph Curry is the MVP, LeBron is still the best basketball player on the planet. That alone makes the Cavaliers dangerous.

But in my mind, the Cavaliers are LeBron, and LeBron alone.

Now, this is the part of the program where I openly admit that I am a Kyrie Irving hater. I think he's one of the most overrated players in the NBA. He's still very skilled at certain aspects. He can score. Wait, did I say aspects? I guess I just meant aspect, because he doesn't do a whole lot else very well. He's not a great passer, and I think the whole world knows how porous his defense is at this point. And even though he had a hell of a game 5, he's likely not going to be that hot again in his next 20 games.

And now that we are done with the big two, let's look at the rest of the Cavaliers roster, which is basically the land of misfit toys. They are a bunch of square pegs being pushed into round holes, and that is not a recipe for success.

Matthew Dellavedova - Last year, he got hot at the right time and people bought into a player that isn't very good. His only skill that hasn't deteriorated is that he can foul, so congratulations on that.

Channing Frye - This is where things get interesting, because Channing Frye is a talented player. He can stretch the floor as a big but do poor work on defense. Considering how Kevin Love has played, Frye would probably do better in those minutes.

Richard Jefferson - Jefferson gets a lot of love for being a key cog for the Cavaliers, and that is a major issue, because he would be getting James McAdoo minutes if he were on the Warriors.

Kevin Love - Holy shit has this guy fallen off a cliff. I really hope he is injured, because his play has just dropped off a cliff. But let's not forget how valuable he was early on in the playoffs. Kevin Love is a great NBA player, but this is the worst fit he could possibly be in. If he is your number one or two option on offense, he can make up for his lack of ability on defense. It also helps that his defense goes from "Turn the children's heads away" to "poor" when he is able to contribute on offense. But like I said earlier, the Cavs would probably be better off with Frye, because Love has been downright awful in this series.

Timofey Mozgov - He's really big and can play interior defense. He has no actual basketball skills. Unfortunately, that makes him unplayable for the most part in today's NBA.

Iman Shumpert - Garbage on offense, only above average on defense. Good luck with that.

J.R. Smith - Usually bad, but sometimes he inexplicably catches fire and makes everything. I would say that a big game from Smith is their only hope in game six. Yes, Cleveland, your hopes are contingent on J.R. Smith. That does not sound promising.

Tristan Thompson - Note to self: Make friends with LeBron James.

And that's basically their team. They got one win when everything went right. They got another when Draymond Green was out and their two best players each probably had one of the ten best games of their careers (maybe Kyrie's best), and I just do not see that as a sustainable method for winning. I don't care that the Cavs are at home. This series is over. 

Jordan Burroughs Is the Michael Jordan of Wrestling

The NFL kicked off while college football cruised into week two this past weekend. There were some very fun games (Iowa vs. Iowa State) and some games that made me sick to my stomach (Iowa vs. Iowa State), and amazing things happened on football fields around the country. And none of those things can even hold a candle to what happened in Las Vegas this past weekend, where Jordan Burroughs won his third world championship (four, if you count his Olympic Gold Medal, which you probably should). Burroughs is not just a great wrestler; he is the Michael Jordan of wrestling and the most underappreciated athlete of his generation.

It's impossible to describe how great Burroughs is in words. He is currently on a five year run of dominance. In 2011 and 2012 in his first years of international competition, he blew through everyone to get a World Championship and an Olympic Gold. That led to my favorite sports photo in history.

This is why sports matter.

After 2012, wrestling overhauled the scoring, and it didn't slow him down a bit. He is 23-1 in world championships, and his only loss was in 2014 to the eventual World Champion who he had to wrestle after spraining his MCL. The knee is super important to a wrestler, and despite Burroughs spraining it in the first match of the tournament, he still went on to win the Bronze Medal.

You may have noticed that I skipped over 2013. That's because I'm not totally convinced that 2013 is humanly possible. Like, I know that it did happen; there's record of it and everything, but logically, my brain cannot wrap my head around Jordan Burroughs at the 2013 World Championships. Burroughs won the World Title while outscoring his five opponents by a score of 34-3. These are the best wrestlers in the world, and Burroughs ran threw them like they were nothing. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, he did this all on a BROKEN ANKLE.

He broke his ankle four weeks before the tournament, required a surgery where they put in five screws and a plate in his ankle and told him he should be able to start training again in 6-8 weeks. Instead, he got back on the mat 11 days before the World Championships, and then beat the shit out of everyone competing in Hungary. Michael Jordan gets lauded for the flu game (rightfully so), but that is nothing compared to what Burroughs did.

So even though Burroughs lost last year, everybody knew that he was the guy to beat this year, and he went out and proved why by outscoring his opponents 36-5(I highly recommend watching his semifinals matchup: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzUklhcwRDU). I mean, he did it on two fully functioning ankles, so it's kind of a ho-hum performance. And that's where we're at with Burroughs. There is no way for him to impress us at this point, because what he's done so far is mind-bogglingly impressive. He is America's most dominant athlete, and it's not particularly close.

But it's wrestling, and although wrestling is gaining in popularity (partially because of Burroughs who doubles as an incredible ambassador for the sport), it may not even make it in the top 10 of most popular sports in the United States. But don't miss out on Burroughs's greatness; it is truly historical, and even if wrestling isn't your jam, watching someone excel to this level at something is an opportunity you don't want to miss.

Jordan Burroughs is the Michael Jordan of wrestling? No, no, no. Michael Jordan was the Jordan Burroughs of basketball.

Is There a Parallel for Ronda Rousey?

Ronda Rousey destroyed another opponent this weekend. She's gotten so good that she doesn't even have to use her world class Judo skills to beat her opponents. She is now the best boxer in the division as well. She's stupid good, and it's nearly impossible to come up with a relevant comparison for what she is doing right now. Here is my journey to attempt to find a parallel for what Ronda Rousey is currently doing.

First, it was pretty easy to eliminate any athlete involved in team sports. Even at Michael Jordan's level of dominance, a team sport just doesn't allow for a single person to so totally dominate all of their competition.

After that, I looked at the most dominant athlete of the last 20 years, Tiger Woods. As great as Tiger Woods was during his prime, he basically would have had to have his performance at the 2000 US Open in every major for three straight years to be as dominant as Ronda Rousey. Tiger Woods was amazing, and he's not even close to Rousey.

Then I took the logical step of looking at MMA. The most dominant recent champions have been Anderson Silva and Jon Jones. Both guys were dominant, but they had some struggles against opponents. Anderson Silva ripped off 16 straight wins in the UFC, but in there, even he had times of mortality against guys that could put him on his back like Travis Lutter, Dan Henderson, and Chael Sonnen. Jon Jones has never been beaten, but Alexander Gustafsson gave him a lot of trouble, and he usually wins by picking his opponents apart, where Ronda Rousey steamrolls them.

If you want to go old school, you can look at a guy like Royce Gracie who did completely dominate from UFC 1-UFC 4. Until Dan Severn lasted over 15 minutes, nobody made it to the six-minute mark against Royce. Still, Gracie won purely with technique, where Rousey wins with not only technique but by also just being more physical than her opponents.

If I was going for an MMA parallel, the answer would have to be Mark Kerr. Kerr was not only a world-class wrestler who became incredibly adept at submissions, but then he quickly learned how to light people up on the feet and had absolutely brutal ground and pound. He destroyed every one of his first 11 opponents, where only one man was able to last past 3:04. He was the guy picked to rule over Pride. Obviously, that didn't happen, but even if you only count those first 11 fights, the level of competition that Kerr faced was usually not the greatest, where Rousey has been taking out the best of the best since her third fight.

And that brings us up to the most common comparison, Mike Tyson. As weird as this sounds to say about Mike Tyson, he wasn't dominant enough to be compared to Ronda Rousey. Even before he won the title, he got taken to decisions by guys like James Tillis and Mitch Green, who were solid gatekeepers but guys on a level that Tyson should have steamrolled. I will give Tyson credit as he avoided his toughest possible opponent in his prime with Evander Holyfield and Ronda Rousey has avoided her toughest opponent in Cyborg. The nail in the coffin is Tyson's loss to Buster Douglas. Douglas is basically the equivalent to Bethe Correia, a beatable opponent that is meant to showcase the champion in a foreign land. Tyson got knocked out by Douglas, Rousey took less than a minute to annihilate Correia.

After going through all of these greats, it would seem like I have exhausted all of the possibilities. But then I realized the answer was standing in front of me the entire time. I don't know how I could see around his blobby existence, but I managed to do it until now.

Of course, I'm talking about Steven Seagal. He has fought the best in the world and has always come out on top. But that's the thing, he had contemporaries like Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Jean-Claude Van Damme who had similar accomplishments, but nobody made it look easier than Seagal. He annihilated his opponents without breaking a sweat and hardly ever having a single mark on his face as a sign that he had been in a battle to the death.

Ronda Rousey is incredibly impressive, and in MMA, she has had to deal with a wide variety of opponents and situations, but it is nothing compared to what Seagal has shown in his fighting career. Just take a look at this highlight video that would even impress Miss Rousey.
Ronda Rousey is great. She is the female Steven Seagal, and there is no greater compliment than that.

Suits Power Rankings - #SuitsRoadTrip

I'm getting to things late this week, so no time for a drawn out intro, especially since it's a flashback episode. Instead, I'm going to make these my most positive rankings by pointing out every character's best features. Last week's rankings can be found here. Let's get to this week where one of the most important characters makes his triumphant comeback...through a flashback.

1. Louis Litt
Louis won a fight. Louis...won...a...fight. All law victories take a backseat, all life victories can sit bitch. This is the only victory that matters.

2. Mike Ross 
Mike preyed on law students by outlawyering them. Mystery couldn't pick up a law school student, yet Mike made it a hobby. Baller.

3. Donna Paulsen 
Donna doesn't follow her own rules, because her rules are made to be broken. Oh yeah, and she also signed MICHAEL JORDAN. Also, she's probably smart enough to know that his best shot was his game winner over Byron Russell, as it was the last shot in his career and won a championship (as far as I'm concerned, he never played anywhere but Chicago).

4. Daniel Hardman 
I wanted him to be number one so bad, and had this been for lawyering by your own rules, he likely would've been, but this is a week of positives, and nobody was topping Louis this week on that front. HARDMAN pits his lawyers against each other, as he loves the puppet show and uses that show to land a company three times as big as the one he sent his puppets after. As positive as all of that was, HARDMAN's greatest moment was calling Harvey an arrogant, little boy.

5. Harvey Specter 
I admire Harvey making people earn music by entertaining him. This is a good road trip rule. Made a very good choice of having thousands of fake yearbooks made up to fit any situation. If I were going to do that, I would have only changed all of the ladies' quotes to focus on what a great lover I was, but to each their own.

6. Mike Ross's Wrestling Opponents 
After watching Mike fight, it's pretty clear that all of his wrestling opponents had the easiest match ever, as the guy gets thrown around like a ragdoll by Louis, so I'm sure he led to the quickest pins of their career.

7. Rachel Zane 
She's hotter than Khaleesi's translator, but that thought probably inspired about 10,000 pieces of crossover fanfiction, most of which are being written by me.

8. Jessica Pearson 
She's at the top of the best law firm in New York, because she sees the bigger picture.

9. Claire 
She fell for all of Mike's demonstrations of higher value, but as all ladies know who have been seduced by me, it is a privilege to be picked up by a genuine pickup artist.

10. Immigration Lawyer Guy 
Has friends at Columbia. I'm guessing it's Jessie Spano.

11. Edith Ross
With age comes wisdom, and that G knew what was up when it came to T-Money.

12. Avery McKernan 
He values loyalty and makes nice engines.

13. Dude Who Buys Manhattans For Random Ladies
Hey, he's got a job, so he can afford to buy drinks. Good for him.

14. Trevor Evans
Got a kickass place with his best bud. The good times are never going to end for this young go-hard.

Jon Jones, Cocaine, And Greatness

I can't get over how great Jon Jones is. I really thought Daniel Cormier had what it took, but Jon Jones not only beat him; he outwrestled one of the best American wrestlers of the last fifteen years.

If you had asked me to create an ideal fighter eight years ago, I could not have created a fighter as good as Jon Jones. I would have said that the frame and skill-set would not be humanly possible. If you want a great wrestler, you can't have him be long and lanky too, because you need to be a powerhouse to be able to blast through takedowns. I couldn't have given a guy such effective elbow strikes, because elbow strikes that effective have never existed before. And I wouldn't have been able to give the guy that much explosive movement and cardio to last for days, because a guy who explodes into his attacks that much can't possibly do it for 25 minutes.

Jon Jones isn't fair. He's a fighting cheat code.

And now he's in rehab for his issues with cocaine

Honestly, it wouldn't be worrisome for me if it were nearly any other athlete. I have never done cocaine, but there was definitely a time in my life where I would have strongly considered it had it been there. I just hung out with a bunch of cheap drunks as opposed to them high-fallutin coke users. I know plenty of people who have done it and are completely normal guys and gals. The only issue is that Jon Jones seems to think he's invincible. The guy doesn't even entertain the thought that he could lose a fight, and he's proven that it is a preposterous idea. If he takes that attitude to every part of his life, and rumors indicate that he usually does, then it could be a sad ending.

Great athletes with that sort of self-confidence almost always have other vices outside of their sport. Too many to name had women as a vice, Jordan had gambling, and Lawrence Taylor, who may be the best comparison, had serious drug issues. Their belief in themselves is what makes them so great at their sport, but it's also what leads them to these other vices. It's tough to believe you're invincible in one aspect of life and not have it bleed into others.

Jon Jones may come across as a dick, but I want him to get over this drug issue and continue fighting. This is completely selfish on my part as Jon Jones is as good at mixed martial arts as anybody is at anything, and watching that sort of greatness is so rare and wonderful that it would be a shame if it didn't last for as long as he decided to do it.

I can just about guarantee that I will be rooting for his opponent in every single fight he has, but I still want the opportunity to watch him crush my hopes as many times as possible.

Good luck, Jon Jones, this is one fight I'll be hoping you win.

The Hottest and Coldest Takes on LeBron James

Hot takes are all the rage these days, and it would be irresponsible for me to not teach all of you the ins and outs of the take world. I will do this by taking something that everyone has a take on, LeBron James's legacy. Some hot takes have him as the greatest thing since the steam engine; others say he's overrated. What I am looking to do is take the hottest of takes and eventually work it down to the coolest of takes. Let's take a trip down the Take Turnpike and see where we exit.

Take: LeBron James is the greatest basketball player ever and could take any four guys and beat the Dream Team. 

This is a very hot take, but it is so extreme that people know to keep their distance from this take. It's the sun. We know it's so hot that we're not even going to touch it. People will likely insult you while staying away from your take if you make it this hot.

Take: LeBron James is better than Michael Jordan.

This take actually may be even hotter as invoking Jordan's name inevitably brings out a lot of emotion in people. I will admit that my fingers were burning a little bit as they moved across my keyboard. This take is a hot stove, and the people around you are children. They know the stove is hot, but they have to touch it to find out exactly how hot it is. This is a take that will immediately spark debate, and the great thing is this debate will never be settled, because it can never be settled. Even though this is not the hottest, it is the worst take in that it will make both people who get involved in the debate worse people by the end with neither budging an inch on their side of the take.

Take: LeBron James is a great basketball player. 

Now we're getting into some tamer takes. LeBron James seems like a great basketball player at first glance. Still, this take has some spice to it, as people love to complain that the league has gone soft, and LeBron would have never made it in the 80s (always the 80s, despite just about everything in the 80s being terrible). Those guys played the game the right way, and they weren't buddies with their opponents. This take is a jalapeno. It's got enough spice to it that you wouldn't want to rub it in your eye.

Take: LeBron James is a good basketball player.

Okay, this is a fair take. It would take a real asshole to argue that LeBron James is not a good basketball player. Still, it's possible, especially with the 80s toughness argument. Instead of using that to say he wouldn't be great, it's just as easy to say he never would have made it in the NBA facing real tough guys like Bill Laimbeer and Kevin McHale (yes, all arguments against LeBron must also have a tinge of racism in them; I don't make the rules, but I must follow them). Still, this is not a hot take compared to the (racist) alternative. It's basically the equivalent of putting some fresh ground pepper on your meal.

Take: LeBron James is a basketball player.

Now that's a cool take. It is impossible to argue with this statement. Well, almost impossible. I mean, at the moment you are reading this, he might be taking a shower or reading to his kids. I can take a shower and read, but it doesn't make me a basketball player. There is no way to predict the future and say that he will ever play again. He might just be a professional clean guy or book reader. On top of that, language is fluid, so definitions are constantly in flux. What we today consider a basketball player may turn into a completely different meaning down the line. Still, this is about as spicy as a glass of orange juice.

Take: LeBron James was considered a basketball player during his career in what was known as the National Basketball Association, although the meanings of basketball and the NBA as a whole is in constant flux and is no way set in stone for eternity, or even the next hour. 

Finally, we have reached the coolest take. There is no argument here, just a cold glass of milk that can cool down even the hottest of takes on LeBron James.

Both hot and cool takes are a tricky world, so please leave them to the professionals like PFT Commenter and...yeah, probably just PFT Commenter.

LeBron's Struggles Are a Good Thing For LeBron Fans

LeBron choked again. Jordan will always be better. LeBron will never win the big one.

These are the common themes that have been harped on during and after the conclusion of the NBA Playoffs. Let's go through them one by one.

So maybe LeBron isn't clutch. Really, how many people are? Sometimes I'm clutch. Other times, I can give myself paralysis by analysis and not always do things to the best of my abilities. I'm guessing most people have some combination of clutch and unclutch moments. LeBron is the same way, as he showed clutch moments against the Bulls and unclutch moments against the Mavericks. Being clutch is something that is horribly overblown by the media, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist at all. Had LeBron been shot and killed after the Chicago series, he would have been looked at as someone who had finally figured out how to win, but was taken away from us at the height of his powers. Because of the Dallas series, he's back to square one. This is a good thing.

And finally, LeBron will never be seen as better than Jordan, because nobody will ever be seen as better than Jordan. LeBron could win multiple titles, lead the league in scoring seven times, lead the league in rebounding eleven times, and even lead the league in assists once to prove he isn't selfish. Hell, he could average 50 points a game for a season and he still wouldn't be seen as better than Jordan. You know how I know this? Because Wilt Chamberlain already did it. There is no possible way for a player to be recognized as better than Jordan. Jordan will forever be the best, so if you hear a debate starting about the topic, just leave, or change the channel, because all you're going to hear is two people wasting their breath. LeBron will never be better than Jordan, but that's a good thing.

LeBron's failures in the playoffs are what makes him keep going. He is by far the most talented player that has ever played this game. If he had five championships by now, what is the point of continuing? What drives a person who has shown they can dominate the league with sheer will? It happened to Jordan and he played baseball for two years. Jordan loved to win, but it came to a certain point where he knew the win was inevitable. At that point, what really is your motivation? It is a good thing LeBron still doesn't have a ring. Love him or hate him, he's pretty god-damned amazing to watch. I love Derrick Rose, but LeBron destroyed Rose in the playoffs. It hurts me to admit that, but there is no other way to interpret what happened. As a Bulls fan, I was pissed, but looking back as a basketball fan, holy shit, that LeBron James guy is something else. The scary thing is that he could get better. The scarier thing is that this loss gives him a reason to.

And that's a real good thing.

-Joe

P.S. But yeah, I still hate him and hope he never wins another basketball game for the rest of his career.

P.P.S. This has been thrown all over the Internet, but just in case you didn't know, Debbie LOVES cats.

The Ultimate Guys' Week

My brother and I have been looking forward to this week for months. At first, we just thought a few awesome things would happen during this week, but then we realized that more and more awesome activities kept popping up. That is why April  25-May 2 is The Ultimate Guys' Week. Now clearly every week is Guys' Week, so what makes this The Ultimate Guys' Week? Oh, let me show you the ways. Here is your agenda for this extravaganza.

NBA Playoffs - All Week
Have you seen Derrick Rose? No, seriously, have you seen Derrick Rose? Holy shit, watching him play basketball gets me so excited that I'd probably bang an HB7 (only people familiar with the seduction community will understand that reference). Also, there's some other teams hoping for second place.

NHL Playoffs - All Week
Since I'm not Canadian, I really don't care about the NHL but I figured I should at least put it on the list. Plus, I'm only going to cover one event taking place in Canada this week, and that's not until Saturday. If Roenick's still playing, I'll root for whatever team he is on.

WWE Tough Enough - Monday

Stone Cold is undeniably awesome, and he shines on this show. Plus it's got Hugh Morrus (get it?) who is awesome, and Booker T who definitely has some West Coast Dance moves. To top it off, they've got eye candy with Trish Stratus. That last part puts it over the edge and makes it the only reality show that is essential viewing for Guys' Week (My apologies to The Ultimate Fighter).

Monday Night RAW - Monday
Because pro wrestling is ultra-manly, so it's a great way to start off the week. And it's going to be an extra awesome show as it's the WWE Draft. Smackdown guys could go to RAW, RAW guys could go to Smackdown, and Superstars like Zack Ryder (more on him later) may finally get on television.

The A-Team - Tuesday
Since nothing outside of the playoffs is happening on Tuesday night, it'd be a great time to add to your testosterone by buying The A-Team on DVD or Blue-Ray and watching it. Tuesday would also be a good time to have some flapjacks, the official meal of the lumberjack (an ultra manly occupation). Actually, scratch that, every day of this week would be a good time to have some flapjacks.

South Park - Wednesday
Season premiere of the greatest cartoon ever made. Plus, chicks hate cartoons, making them extra manly.

Z! True Long Island Story - Thursday

If you're not watching the hottest new show on YouTube, then you're really missing out. I don't care if you're an Edge Head or a part of Cenation, after watching one episode of this show, Zack Ryder will become your favorite wrestler, and you'll be hoping for the day that you can become Broski of the Week. Woo Woo Woo...You Know It!

Parks And Recreation - Thursday

Because Ron Swanson is the Charles Bronson of sitcoms.

NFL Draft - Thursday-Saturday
Real men love the NFL Draft, because no matter how bad your team is, this is the event that gives all people hope (except when your favorite team trades away a bunch of picks to pick up a shitty quarterback like Jay Cutler). I recommend watching on NFL Network, because ESPN's Draft "Experts" are about as useful as women when it comes to their knowledge of football. And, as guys, we all know women don't know anything about awesome things like football. Man, women sure are worthless (although you and I are not in the same place, I totally have my hand up for a virtual high-five).

Fast Five - Friday
A lot of people see previews for this movie and dismissively think it will just be another stupid Vin Diesel movie. I look at these previews and realize that it will just be another AWESOME Vin Diesel movie. These guys live their lives a quarter mile at a time. They have avoided the police for 10 years despite driving nothing but gaudy looking cars. In the last movie, Paul Walker was helping Diesel with his car, but left and told him that he'd be right back. He then proceeded to bang Diesel's sister. That's the boldest move of anyone in movie history. But something tells me that these guys' luck may run out. What is that something? THE ROCK. The Rock vs. Vin Diesel is the greatest matchup of badasses in movie history. I fully expect my testicles to suffer from elephantitis by the time this movie is over.

Friday Night Smackdown - Friday
The first show after the draft, and the last show before the PPV. Plus it ends by 9:00 CST giving you plenty of time to drift afterwards if you're still jacked up after Fast Five.

UFC 129 - Saturday
Even if you don't like hockey, there is reason to give attention to the Canadians during The Ultimate Guys' Week. Up in Canada, there is a fantastic card featuring two title fights involving Canadians. Mark Hominick goes against Jose Aldo for the featherweight title, and Georges St. Pierre defends his title against Jake Shields. If that's not enough, the card also features Randy Couture taking on evil karate expert Lyoto Machida (Basically, if you practice karate and you're not the Karate Kid, it means that you use your karate for evil). Even if you don't follow MMA, all you need to know is that its violence, and violence is fucking awesome (so is cussing).

WWE Extreme Rules - Sunday
It's like MMA, only with weapons (while substituting reality), so it never fails to entertain.

WWE Tough Enough/Monday Night Raw - Monday
What's that you say? There's only seven days in a week. This is The Ultimate Guys' Week, so you're lucky that I'm ending it after ONLY eight days. And yes, we need eight days for all this testosterone boosting action. We end where we started with Monday Night Raw rocking our jock off. And yes, I wear a jockstrap while watching wrestling, as well as a number of other activities. It's what badasses do. Speaking of badasses, this marks the return of The Rock, as he will be celebrating his birthday.

The Ultimate Guys' Week could be the greatest eight days of your life. Even though this week is for the fellas, don't worry ladies, you can still be used to satisfy our carnal urges...and for cooking.

-Joe

P.S. You know what's manly? Michael Jordan raping the Celtics defense, take it away, MJ: