Every Animal Will Kill You

I just finished an excellent book called Deadly Kingdom by Gordon Grice. It's excellent in that it's a really good read that is both entertaining and educational. It's also the scariest book that I will ever read in my life, because I now know that every single animal that has ever existed is trying to kill me in its own unique way. I mean, I knew a lion or a polar bear would probably be favored in a fight with me, but there is no animal out there that couldn't kill me. Check out some of these random facts.

Hyenas have the strongest pound-for-pound jaws of any animal, you know what that means? It will crush your skull when it tries to and successfully kills you.

Think you're safe in the water? Ha, you stupid fool. The orca is the most dangerous animal in the world. I'm not sure if the Titanic ran into an iceberg; I'm pretty sure that an orca ran into it, and crushed the thing. Those people didn't die in the water, they died in an orca's stomach.

An ostrich kick can tear you from your pelvis to your sternum.

Even the animals that I could easily kill in combat will still find a way to kill me.

Sure a frog can't kill me, unless I eat it.

Maybe I could eat a random exotic Japanese fish, but that fish is poisonous and it will probably kill me.

In fact, pretty much any animal that I thought was not dangerous has some sort of venom in it that will kill me.

There are things in the water that will swim in your urethra and you'll have to have surgery to get it out.

At least small bugs like grasshoppers aren't dangerous, right? Wrong again. They will eat every crop around by having swarms in the billions and the fact that they can eat their body weight in a single day.

You can't crush a flea with your fingers.

At least with big animals, people will respect you for going out like a man. It's the small ones that scare the shit out of me. Go swimming in a river, and a worm will crawl into your eye. When it gets done making you blind, it will probably crawl back to your brain and kill you. Flies seem pretty harmless, except they can attack you in such a swarm to suffocate you. Well, at least ants aren't scary as you can just step on them. Oh yeah, one time a lady had surgery and while she was recovering from the anesthesia, ants ate out her eyeball and killed her.

So yeah, I highly recommend reading the book, because it's awesome, but I am now terrified of every living creature out there. So that's healthy.

-Joe

P.S. Here's a guy on fire, because people on fire are far more interesting than people not on fire.

Live Blogging My Friday Night

Last weekend, I went to my buddy's bachelor party. Next weekend is the wedding which could get just as ugly. So this weekend I am going to take it easy and blog my Friday night. I will be focusing on the Iowa State-UConn and Boise State-Toldedo games, with a little bit of SmackDown thrown in.

6:55 CST - My buddy calls me to go out. I tell him of my plans. He calls me a vagine. Good start to the night.

7:00 - Edge is on SmackDown, games haven't started yet, I'm going to take my laundry out.

7:10 - UConn is letting the ball fly, and Iowa State just got called for a terrible pass interference call on Jeremy Reeves.

7:12 - Ted DiBiase just attacked Cody Rhodes while wearing a paper bag over his head. Very smart move, and much less boring than the ISU game.

7:15 - UConn scores by running it up the middle. They're making ISU look pretty awful, which Iowa probably should have decided to do last week. Yeah, I'm still bitter.

7:20 - Just switched to the Boise St. game, and holy shit, Toledo scored a touchdown. They didn't get a PAT, but 6-0 Rockets. I am a legitimate Toledo fan as I once stood in their student section on the road when they played Iowa State. I was more cheering against ISU, but I made some good Toledo fan friends that night. I was obviously very drunk.

7:21 - Steele Jantz is now playing like the real Steele Jantz, not the one who sucked off the devil to beat the Hawkeyes last week. I may have to stop watching this game, because as much as I love watching ISU lose, this is only going to make me more bitter about last week.

7:22 - Scratch that, UConn throws it right back to ISU. Great football assclowns.

7:25 - Nobody makes things look easier than Kellen Moore. A real nice touchdown pass down the seam for Boise's first touchdown.

7:31 - I don't think Sin Cara deserves special lighting for his matches. This aggravates me to the point where I can't watch his match against Daniel Bryan.

7:33 - Glad I checked back in; there are not one, but TWO Sin Caras. My mind is blown.

7:37 - Teddy Long just tried hating on my boy Zack Ryder. Not cool Teddy; you are no Broski.

7:39 - Steele Jantz with another interception, SHOCKING.

7:46 - Steele Jantz with his third interception of the first quarter. Somebody clearly punked me last week when they showed Iowa State winning. There is no way that happened.

7:49 - Trish Stratus just recognized Long Island Iced Z as the Internet Champion, WWWYKI!

7:54 - Kellen Moore is just a fun quarterback to watch throw the ball. There isn't much zip on it, but it's always right on target.

8:05 - Got bored with wrestling and football, switched to an old episode of The Millionaire Matchmaker. This guy seems douchier than normal.

8:15 - Toledo is doing just enough to hang around in this game. Due to Boise's history, I'm kind of doubting that this lasts.

8:33 - Kellen Moore just threw a perfect fade route. Of course he did. I'm out on that positive note. Have a good Friday night everybody; I'll be rocking some laundry, and maybe clean up my room in case I pull some tail back to my place after the wedding. Holler.

-Joe

P.S. Iowa State still sucks.

DJK And The Hawkeyes

Something weird is going on at Iowa, and no, I am not talking about the awful loss they received at the hands of Iowa State this past weekend, but something far more interesting happened yesterday during Kirk Ferentz's press conference.

Derrell Johnson-Koulianos was one of the greatest receivers in the history of the Iowa Hawkeyes. He set numerous records while at Iowa, and on the field, you couldn't have asked for much more from a player. Unfortunately, that is not the whole story with DJK. During his time with the Hawkeyes, there was always some sort of problem going on between him and the coaching staff. Despite clearly being a top receiver, DJK was benched for a lot of his career for reasons that had nothing to do with his effort on the field. Still, he was never even charged with a crime until the very end of his time at Iowa.

That is when it all came to a head, and DJK had multiple drug charges against him in December. He was immediately kicked off the Iowa team, and was not even allowed to wear a Hawkeye helmet when going to the Texas vs. USA game designed for NFL scouts to get a look at senior football prospects. Despite the charges leading only to probation for him, and being being seen as a mid-round prospect by just about everyone out there, when NFL teams got their 90-man rosters together, nobody came calling for DJK. It seemed a little curious to anyone who had watched DJK play the game, because the talent is definitely there.

Recently, rumors have been floating around that Ferentz may have "buried" Derrell Johnson-Koulianos to NFL personnel to ensure that he would not make a pro roster this season. Finally, somebody publicly asked Ferentz about the rumors, and here was his response.

This is not the normal, calm-as-can-be Kirk Ferentz that we are used to seeing. He is visibly upset by the line of questioning and vehemently denies ever saying anything bad about any player for as long as he's been there.  So why did he get so worked up by it? The simple explanation is that there was an implication with the question that was not about DJK, but questioned Ferentz's character. Kirk is a guy who is known to sell himself and the Iowa program based on character and turning boys into men; I can understand that this could get him worked up.

But at the same time, Kirk claims nobody asked him about DJK. That seems a little...odd. Andrew Schulze, the Hawkeyes long-snapper made an NFL camp this offseason, yet nobody asked about DJK? Really? NFL scouts will overlook far worse transgressions than the ones made by DJK if the talent is there, and I find it incredibly hard to believe that not one team thought there was enough talent to make a 90-man roster.

I don't want to attack Kirk Ferentz's character, because during his entire time at Iowa, he hasn't given anyone a reason to do so. But this is definitely not the whole story with DJK.

It just doesn't make sense.

-Joe

P.S. I know I seem like a neanderthal for the most part, but this was a really good article about the emergence of gay athletes in professional sports.

Thoughts From Week One Of College Football

Since the first week of college football mostly sucks, and I was excessively drunk from 7:00 PM on Friday night until about noon on Monday morning, I couldn't catch a lot of games. Luckily, I caught Wisconsin-UNLV on Thursday, and yesterday, I rewatched the first half of Iowa-Tennessee Tech, so I can tell you some things about those two Big Ten squads. Since most people don't care about Wisconsin, let's start with what I saw from the Hawkeyes.

Iowa vs. Tennessee Tech
Mika'il McCall – Just a very decisive runner, hit every hole hard with no hesitancy. Unfortunately, when waching this game sober, I was sick to my stomach on every carry, because I knew his ankle was about to be broken.

On the bright side of being sober, I didn't think Coker looked nearly as bad as I did when watching him drunk. He certainly didn't have a good game, but I thought he was dancing like Britney Spears in the backfield when I was watching him intoxicated.

McNutt is a beast, so we've got that going for us. He really attacked the ball with his hands instead of letting it come to him, and that's my favorite thing to see a receiver do.

The defensive line looked better than I expected. I didn't expect much, but I thought they did a good job of staying low and using leverage to collapse the pocket even if they weren't able to get much clean penetration.

I underestimated Vandenberg. He did exactly what a good quarterback should do to a bad team. Bravo, Moxon, bravo.

Wisconsin vs. UNLV
I thought it last year, and I still think James White is a better back than Montee Ball. Ball looks much this year than he did early on last year, but I still prefer White. Credit where credit is due, Ball's first touchdown run had some very impressive footwork.

I don't know how I feel about Borland being moved from outside linebacker to inside. The guy showed a good ability to blitz off the outside, so it'd be a shame if Wisconsin wasted that talent. He even played some defensive end last year on passing downs, and he can cause serious matchup problems for offensive tackles, not only with his speed, but also with his ability to get low making it hard for linemen to get their hands on him.

Russell Wilson just flings the football out there, which is very ugly, but damn, it sure was accurate.

As good as Wisconsin looked on offense, the defense left a lot to be desired. I saw very little push from their front four throughout the game, and every offensive line in the Big Ten (even Indiana's) will be better than UNLV's. Wisconsin will be a good team, but unless this defensive line greatly improves as the season goes on, I have trouble seeing them win the Leaders Division.

And that's all I got for this week. Next week will probably also be focused on Big Ten football, because of my blatant irresponsibility.

-Joe

P.S. Derrick Rose playing with hand puppets, because...why not?

The 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes

Last year, I wrote a post entitled, "Why Not?" in reference to the 2010 Iowa Hawkeye football team. As far as predictions went, it couldn't have gone much more horribly. I predicted a 12-0 regular season, and Iowa instead turned in a 7-5 regular season. Whoops. So this year, I figured I would give it another try, because it's not like I can do much worse than last year's epic failure. Let's break it down game by game and see where the Hawks will end up this year.

9/3 - Tennesse Tech @ Iowa
This is going to be a slaughter. Just look forward to our first glimpse of AJ Derby in the fourth quarter of this game. This may also be the game where Jason White loses the #2 running back job to Mika'il McCall.

9/10 Iowa @ Iowa State
There is one name that keeps coming up from Iowa State fans when I talk to them about this game: Steele Jantz. Quarterbacks have to be good decision makers, so it's really tough for me to be worried about a guy who decided this was a good haircut:

Nice 'do bro.

On a slightly more serious note, Iowa State is a team that I see on the upswing. I wouldn't be shocked if they were in the conference championship game in five years. Sure, that conference will be the MAC, but a conference championship is a conference championship. Congratulations Cyclones. So although I don't see it being quite as bad of a beating as the last couple years, Iowa wins by double digits. My gut told me 24-13, but that would require Iowa State getting in the end zone, so my brain tells me 24-6.

9/17 - Pittsburgh @ Iowa
Pittsburgh has a new coach that is installing the high-powered spread offense that he had at Tulsa. If this game was next year, I'd be worried, but three games into the season, I think the Hawkeye defense does enough on offense and the defense forces some turnovers. 3-0.

9/24 University of Louisiana Monroe @ Iowa
Hooray, more AJ Derby. 4-0.

10/1 BYE
Ladies, set up your lovemaking sessions for this weekend, because without any Iowa football to distract me, I'll actually focus on you.

10/8 Iowa @ Penn State
Matt McGloin or Rob Bolden? Bolden's got no heart, and McGloin's got no soul. Oh yeah, and Joe Paterno's coaching against Kirk Ferentz. History repeats itself and Iowa cruises to 5-0.

10/15 Northwestern @ Iowa
This is Iowa's one night game, and there is no worse opponent than Northwestern. Somehow, these guys have Iowa's number and upset them every damn year. Northwestern are just awful people. Two years ago, they took an illegal shot on America's favorite son, Ricky Stanzi. Last year, Dan Persa made a deal with the devil that he would rupture his achilles tendon if the devil would guarantee them victory. Northwestern also thinks this is a rivalry; it's not. Iowa doesn't psych themselves up for Northwestern, although Northwestern takes the Iowa State mentality and thinks this is their entire season.

So what's going to happen? I hate to say it, but the streak continues...Iowa's winning streak that is. James Vandenberg makes the necessary plays in the fourth quarter, because as we all know, Mox is a Fox (Varsity Blues joke, because that's topical). Hawkeyes go to 6-0.

10/22 Indiana @ Iowa
Iowa will win this game. Wait, hold on a second...just looking up something...and...yep, James Hardy has not petitioned for another year of eligibility, so Iowa will win this game, 7-0.

10/29 Iowa @ Minnesota
There won't be ice covering the field at the end of October, and Iowa also won't shit the bed this year. Floyd comes home, and Iowa goes to 8-0.

11/5 Michigan @ Iowa
Yes, Michigan's defense should be somewhat better. But Denard Robinson isn't going to be as good. Say what you want about Rich Rodriguez, the guy knows offense, and Michigan no longer has any offensive mind anywhere near RichRod's. I like Brady Hoke, but it'll take a few years for him to get the personnel to excel in his system. If it was at Michigan, I'd be concerned. It's not, so Iowa takes care of business, 9-0.

11/12 Michigan State @ Iowa
I'm not sure if anyone's ever seen Kirk Cousins throw a football. Dude's got intangibles coming out of his ass, but that doesn't mean he's a good quarterback. I am intangibly great, but I'm not a very good darts player. Things happen that way sometimes. The media would have you believe that Kirk Cousins is the next Peyton Brady. He's not. And just like last year, him and his boys will get smoked by the 10-0 Hawkeyes.

11/19 Iowa @ Purdue
RIVALRY GAME! That's right, West Lafeyetters, you're going to have to deal with the Hawkeyes every year. Purdue and Iowa have a storied past. I'll never forget Drew Brees, Kyle Orton, and...other Purdue football player. But suck on this, Boilermakers.

Purdue? More like Purdon't. Yeah, expect burns like that as we deny your pathetic request for a trophy for this game. Iowa uses their long-standing hatred of Purdue to go 11-0.

11/25 - Iowa @ Nebraska
The inaugural Heroes Game. An Iowa hero is Nile Kinnick. A Nebraska hero is Lawrence Phillips. Nebraskans seriously can't tell the difference in heroism between those two. Nebraska has T-Magic on offense, so if they put up a touchdown before Mike Daniels uses him to floss his teeth; I'll be shocked. Jared Crick will be manhandled by Big Ten offensive linemen. Lavonte David is pretty good, and Alfonzo Dennard is off the chain. I don't expect a ton of scoring in this game, but there is no doubt that Iowa will come out on top after a late touchdown pass from Moxon (James Vandenberg) to Tweeder (Keenan Davis) for the victory. Iowa goes to 12-0 before heading to the Big Ten Title game.

So, as you can see, I learned from my lessons last yea...aw, crap. I did it again. But the B1G sucks this year, so it's not like Iowa couldn't run the table on these fools. A man has the choice to be optimistic or pessimistic about his favorite college football team. Yet again, I am choosing the former and predicting another undefeated regular season for the Hawkeyes.

I mean, why not?

-Joe

P.S. Here are two of the greatest athletes ever hanging out together. You would think they have nothing in common, but people can always come together against Shawn Michaels:

Yeah, if football hadn't gotten in the way, Walter Payton definitely could have been a world heavyweight champion.