I've Become a Snobby Book Person

You know who sucks? The type of person where after you say you enjoyed something, they respond that the movie is not as good as the book. Ugh, that person is the worst.

I am that person.

Now, I will admit that I try to downplay it by saying, "I just couldn't get into it," but inevitably I reveal my true feelings. Moneyball is a great example as people really liked that movie, and at best, I thought it was okay. It doesn't help that I read non-fiction, so I feel offended that they are changing events that actually happened to make a more appealing movie. Case in point: Unless Billy Beane's daughter taught Barry Zito a curveball, I don't need to know about her.

What makes me bring this up is the movie, Unbroken. Basically anybody who reads non-fiction read Unbroken sometime over the last few years. It's an incredible story, and there is no excuse for it to not be a really good movie. Still, there is no chance that I will watch. There will be weird alterations, and I will get angry at the movie for it, so it is best that I just stay away. I loved The Blind Side as a book, but I refused to watch movie, and I feel like that is the best decision I can make.

I can't help but turn up my nose at movies where I have already read the book, but just don't be like that. If you enjoy those movies, enjoy the hell out of them. Movies are pretty great in that you get the basics of the story in two hours instead of six. And the people that brag about how the book is so much better are just annoying douches.

Okay, now I'm going to watch some original television that is not based off books like Game of Thrones...wait, what?

Every Animal Will Kill You

I just finished an excellent book called Deadly Kingdom by Gordon Grice. It's excellent in that it's a really good read that is both entertaining and educational. It's also the scariest book that I will ever read in my life, because I now know that every single animal that has ever existed is trying to kill me in its own unique way. I mean, I knew a lion or a polar bear would probably be favored in a fight with me, but there is no animal out there that couldn't kill me. Check out some of these random facts.

Hyenas have the strongest pound-for-pound jaws of any animal, you know what that means? It will crush your skull when it tries to and successfully kills you.

Think you're safe in the water? Ha, you stupid fool. The orca is the most dangerous animal in the world. I'm not sure if the Titanic ran into an iceberg; I'm pretty sure that an orca ran into it, and crushed the thing. Those people didn't die in the water, they died in an orca's stomach.

An ostrich kick can tear you from your pelvis to your sternum.

Even the animals that I could easily kill in combat will still find a way to kill me.

Sure a frog can't kill me, unless I eat it.

Maybe I could eat a random exotic Japanese fish, but that fish is poisonous and it will probably kill me.

In fact, pretty much any animal that I thought was not dangerous has some sort of venom in it that will kill me.

There are things in the water that will swim in your urethra and you'll have to have surgery to get it out.

At least small bugs like grasshoppers aren't dangerous, right? Wrong again. They will eat every crop around by having swarms in the billions and the fact that they can eat their body weight in a single day.

You can't crush a flea with your fingers.

At least with big animals, people will respect you for going out like a man. It's the small ones that scare the shit out of me. Go swimming in a river, and a worm will crawl into your eye. When it gets done making you blind, it will probably crawl back to your brain and kill you. Flies seem pretty harmless, except they can attack you in such a swarm to suffocate you. Well, at least ants aren't scary as you can just step on them. Oh yeah, one time a lady had surgery and while she was recovering from the anesthesia, ants ate out her eyeball and killed her.

So yeah, I highly recommend reading the book, because it's awesome, but I am now terrified of every living creature out there. So that's healthy.

-Joe

P.S. Here's a guy on fire, because people on fire are far more interesting than people not on fire.

Jose Canseco Might Be The Most Interesting Man In The World

So Jose Canseco has been spinning gold on Twitter, and his amazing tweets have been building up at nearly unprecedented levels over the last two weeks.   It's gotten to the point where it is no longer debatable, move over Dos Equis dude, Jose Canseco is the most interesting man in the world.

JoseCanseco I have been testing a totally legal product I will let you guys know if it works As soon as I have tested it long enough
This is a great example of why Jose's life is more interesting than anyone else's:  Mystery.  And not the Pickup Artist, the literary device.  He is trying a totally legal product, but we have no idea what it is.  It could be a muscle enhancer, it could be big dick pills, hell, it could just be cereal.  There is no way to know, but the great news is that Jose will let us know what it is once it is thoroughly tested.  How long does it take to know if Cinnamon Toast Crunch "works?"  Only Jose knows the answer to that question.

JoseCanseco Don't ever give up on life workout stay in great shape Our genetic structure allows us to live past 120 years
Could this be the secret benefit of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?  If so, Jose will be letting me know in 73 years.  I can't wait.

JoseCanseco Hey santangelo how did you like getting kicked out of the Playboy mansion. I hope your wife knows you're there with 2 girls and drunk
My initial thought when reading this thought was that I really hope that he's referring to F.P. Santangelo, obscure fourth outfielder who hasn't played in ten years.  I knew it had no chance of that being the case, but it would have been awesome if it was.

JoseCanseco Anyone get ahold of fp santangelo he threatened me and my girl in the playboy mansion and security kicked him out let's get a boxing match
Another reason Jose has a more interesting life than you or me:  He is one of only ten people who can actually identify F.P. Santangelo.  That's amazing.   And shouldn't there be video cameras everywhere around the Playboy Mansion?  It would be awesome to see the scuffle between F.P. and Jose.  I guess they don't want to constantly tape medically enhanced women getting their sex on?  Wait a second, yes they do.  Hugh Hefner might be a total scumbag.  This needs to happen.

JoseCanseco I have a lot of respect for fp santangelo he called me and apologize that takes a big man to do that
Third reason Jose is more interesting than anybody you could possibly imagine:  A heart of gold.  Jose is a man, so if you want to threaten him, he can handle himself and take care of you with some old school street justice.  But don't threaten his girl.  That's a weak move Santangelo.  Jose could have kept a grudge, but he not only accepted his apology, but commended him for his apology in a tweet to all of his followers.  F.P. is lucky he threatened such a great guy.

JoseCanseco Look up exotic rare artwork on google then look for jc7264@yahoo.com check it out
Fourth reason Jose makes the Dos Equis seem as boring as an episode of The Hills:  Jose not only understands exotic art work, but has such a sophisticated eye that he can truly understand it's quality.  Here are some samples from his website:

Exotic?  More Like Erotic.

Ditto.

Hell Yeah.

And all of this is why two weeks I go I was so excited to see the following tweet: 

JoseCanseco I am lookig for a ghost writer for my third book anyone interested.title will be (the truth hurts it destroyed my life) email jc7264@yahoo.c
That's right folks.  Not only is Jose writing his third book, but he is in desperate need for a ghost writer to help him put his amazing story down on the page.  Finally, I would have a chance at my ultimate dream job.  Personally, I think that Jose and I could not only produce a #1 New York Times Bestseller, but I also think that VH1 could follow us around with cameras and have a #1 Rated Reality Show.  I decided to focus on the task at hand and sent him the following e-mail (bolded for clarity):

Dear Mr. Jose Canseco,

My name is Joe, and I would be very interested in being the ghost writer for your third book.  I have talked about you on my blog (http://uncensoredwriting.blogspot.com) frequently, and having the opportunity to expose your personal struggles to the entire world would be an honor for me as a writer.  I currently live in Iowa but would be willing to relocate specifically for this project, as I feel this is an opportunity that I would regret forever if I did not pursue it to my full capabilities.  As your ghost writer, I would make sure that the struggles you have encountered since exposing the steroid problem in Major League Baseball would be revealed to the reader.  Obviously, I do not know half of what you have had to go through, but I would love to show the public not only your financial and emotional struggles through everything, but also more greatly expose you as a human being with not only sadness but also as a guy with a sense of humor. 

Here are some of the posts about you I have put up recently:
http://uncensoredwriting.blogspot.com/2010/12/jose-canseco-makes-hits-on-and-off.html
http://uncensoredwriting.blogspot.com/2010/12/want-to-win-your-fantasy-baseball.html
http://uncensoredwriting.blogspot.com/2010/11/jose-canseco-needs-hug.html
http://uncensoredwriting.blogspot.com/2010/11/jose-canseco-needs-moneyand-more-hugs.html

Again, thank you for considering me for this opportunity, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards,

 
Hott Joe

Obviously, I am not the only one to yearn for a chance to work with such an interesting human being, and although Jose and I have had no direct contact since my e-mail, he did tweet this. 

JoseCanseco Thanks for the hundreds of replys on the ghost writing issues,I am looking over all of them this will be a best seller

I can't wait to get this job, and make enough money to buy some of the exotic art work he is selling.  Although some of you may not see me as a serious candidate, I happened to check my web traffic the day after I sent him my e-mail, and all four of those links were in my Top 10 most read posts that day.  Coincidence?  Highly doubtful.  Jose Canseco reads this blog, and that makes me more interesting than you.

-Joe

P.S.  Yes, I will be sending this link to Jose Canseco's e-mail address.