1 Takeaway from the Iowa / Northwestern Game

I went out of town this past weekend so let's just make this short and sweet.

Iowa Gonna Iowa
I need to keep this in mind anytime I get excited about a team. Iowa gonna Iowa. They are going to make inexplicable calls on offense and not only refuse to utilize their best players, they aren't even going to let them on the field. The Iowa Way excels at making mountains out of mole hills. They did it with DJK, they did it with Marcus Coker, and it sure as hell seems like they are doing it with Noah Fant. And Iowa isn't a team with enough talent to pull off these maneuvers. They do everything they can to make their job difficult, and it takes an impossible set of circumstances to make them a contender. Yes, it has happened, but it's not likely.

Iowa has two games left, and although they should easily win both, I wouldn't be surprised if there was an upset or two.

Iowa gonna Iowa.

An Optimistic Look at the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes

So the Hawkeyes lost to Minnesota yesterday, and that's a bummer. But put away the rat poison, Hawkeye fans, this is not the end of the world for the Hawkeyes. There are so many things to live for: Friends, family, episodes of Workaholics and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Natural Light, and yes, even the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes.

Wait, what? The 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes stink at football in your opinion? I guess I could see how you would think that. But I've got great news...the 2011 Iowa Hawkeyes are still going to go to a BCS game this season. How is that possible? Well, before we look into the future, we must first take a look at the past.

Iowa @ Iowa State
Remember this game? I bet you were super bummed out when the game ended. I know I sure was, but then I realized that despite not playing all that well, it very much appeared that the Hawkeyes tried that day. So that was nice. The gods were against the Hawkeyes on this day, as Steele Jantz, who is only slightly better than Rob Bolden (who we'll get to later) made a deal with Satan to beat the Hawkeyes. Yes, Steele, you may have gotten the win, but I know the Hawkeyes will win the war as all of your children are cursed to be eunuchs.

Iowa @ Penn State
Rob Bolden led a scoring drive in this game. Literally, every bounce went Penn State's way in the first half. Sometimes them's the breaks. Iowa is the better team, and I am sure they will show that to their future opponents.

Iowa @ Minnesota
Wow, I did not see this one coming. And neither did the Hawkeyes. Whoopsies! A surprise onside kick? Shoot, that was a good call Mr. Kill. The bounces did not seem to go the Hawkeyes way at all in this one. But at least Kirk went for it on fourth down. That's progress.

And progress is what we will need as the Hawkeyes take out every one of their remaining opponents. How can a team that lost to Minnesota and Iowa State beat respectable teams? That's easy, with Loyalty, Heart, Horniness, and Respect, and the Hawkeyes have those in abundance.

Loyalty will defeat Michigan next weekend. They had no loyalty towards Lloyd Carr, and then none for Rich Rodriguez. I expect Brady Hoke to be fired by the end of the first half and replaced by Hugh Jackman, since he plays Wolverine in movies. WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

Heart will defeat Michigan State. Their coach had a heart attack, which means that his entire team has a weak heart. Expect a triple bypass sometime in the second quarter. That's right, ANOTHER WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

Horniness will help the Hawkeyes slay Purdue. How will horniness do this? Well, if there's one thing that all Hawkeyes love to do, it's beat up the bush. In this case, it will be Caleb TerBush, who will be on the ground nonstop as the Hawkeyes beat it up. Three in a row, ANOTHER WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

Respect will defeat Nebraska. Have you seen those Pelinis yell at refs? Not very respectful at all. Expect the refs to eject half of the Cornhuskers as Iowa destroys them by 50 points. ANOTHER WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

After that, it's up in the air on who the Hawks will play, but tattoos will be their downfall. Ohio State? They lack moral fiber as they have both scandals AND tattoos. Wisconsin? Bielema's got a Hawkeye tattoo, and he paid for it with his brain. And Penn State? Little known fact about Joe Paterno, after last year's loss to the Hawkeyes, he got a tattoo on his caboose that just said "Ferentz's", because Kirk owns that ass. Sounds like ANOTHER WIN FOR THE HAWKEYES!

Yeah, the Hawks have had some bad luck this year, but a BCS game is not only a possibility, it's the Hawkeyes destiny. Cheer up Hawks, and I'll see you at DC's next Saturday.

-Joe

P.S. For all the ladies out there who live, laugh, and love, read this (H/T Devlin).

The Falsities of College Football

Today, I perform a public service announcement. I am going to let you know about all the lies that are being spread by the national pundits. I figured I would at least give one note on every BCS Conference, although some things will be handled in more depth than others. So sit back, read on, and learn a few things about college football; it'll help you impress the ladies.


Marcus Coker Turned His Season Around During the Northwestern Game
No, he did it during the Penn State game. It's just that Penn State's defense is really good, and people like to judge running backs by their stats. But if you saw him run during that game, you saw the Coker that has been so obviously there during Iowa's last two games. He ran hard and was always falling forward. That is what the Hawkeyes need from Coker, and it all started against Penn State, not Northwestern.

The Big East Isn't a Giant Mess of Hot Garbage.
No, it is. Seriously, if the Conference USA and Mountain West can form a super conference, then the Big East should join with the MAC to create one giant mess of hot garbage. I don't understand how this is a BCS Conference.

Kirk Cousins is Such a Great Quarterback
False. This is so very untrue it is painful anytime I hear it. Does Kirk Cousins give nice speeches? Yes. Does he have crystal blue eyes? Yes, he definitely does. I cannot take either of these things away from him. Unfortunately, neither of these things matter when it comes to judging quarterbacks. He has looked awful this entire season. He makes bad decisions, he has bad ball placement, and overall, I do not trust him in any facet of the game. Was he 22/31 for 290 yards and 3 TDs against Wisconsin? Yes, and Wisconsin's defense is not good in any way. I was listening to the Solid Verbal podcast, and they made an excellent point about the final drive for Michigan State against Wisconsin. Kirk Cousins didn't look like a savvy leader rallying his troops; he looked terrified. Kirk Cousins did not win that game, special teams won that game.

Oklahoma State is the Team to Beat in the Big 12
Sorry OSU, but it's still Oklahoma. I know they have already lost a game in a pathetic effort against Texas Tech. But they are still the best team in the conference. They lost for one simple reason: No Tom Wort. Now most people don't see Wort as their best linebacker, and honestly, he's not, but he is their most ULTIMATE linebacker.

The Ultimate Warrior and him have a love affair going on, and with the power of the Ultimate Warrior behind the Sooners, they are basically an unstoppable force.

LSU Will Beat Alabama - Alabama Will Beat LSU
Anybody who is saying this definitively is out of their mind. Obviously one of these groups will be right, but that doesn't mean they know what they are talking about. It means they made the right guess. It is going to be a very good game, so don't act like you know what's going to happen. Just sit back and enjoy some good football.

Suck For Luck 
This has more to do with professional teams, but it does involve a college player in Andrew Luck, so I figured it would fit. No NFL team is sucking for Luck. I was on the Luck bandwagon after his Freshman year, because he's really, really good, but it doesn't take a genius to realize that. He is BY FAR the best quarterback prospect to come out of college in the last decade.

What people don't understand is that this doesn't mean he is going to come into the league and be a top-five quarterback. In fact, I will be very surprised if he does anywhere near as well as Cam Newton has done so far. Does that make Cam Newton a better QB? No, not in my opinion. Cam Newton has a unique skillset, and that will take NFL Defenses time to adjust to it, and because of that, I think Newton will struggle more as this season goes on.

Um, yeah, what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, sucking for Luck. It makes no sense for a player to not try so they can get the first pick in the draft, because they might get replaced if they don't perform. It makes no sense for coaches to lose on purpose, because they will lose their job. Nobody is sucking for Luck.

And next year, nobody will be Losing More For Lattimore (And if I hear that expression next year, I will probably start cutting myself).

-Joe

P.S. Let's see how Jose Canseco is doing:
@JoseCanseco
Maybe I was the babe Ruth of the 80's
Just as I suspected, he's still doing great.

Thoughts From Week One Of College Football

Since the first week of college football mostly sucks, and I was excessively drunk from 7:00 PM on Friday night until about noon on Monday morning, I couldn't catch a lot of games. Luckily, I caught Wisconsin-UNLV on Thursday, and yesterday, I rewatched the first half of Iowa-Tennessee Tech, so I can tell you some things about those two Big Ten squads. Since most people don't care about Wisconsin, let's start with what I saw from the Hawkeyes.

Iowa vs. Tennessee Tech
Mika'il McCall – Just a very decisive runner, hit every hole hard with no hesitancy. Unfortunately, when waching this game sober, I was sick to my stomach on every carry, because I knew his ankle was about to be broken.

On the bright side of being sober, I didn't think Coker looked nearly as bad as I did when watching him drunk. He certainly didn't have a good game, but I thought he was dancing like Britney Spears in the backfield when I was watching him intoxicated.

McNutt is a beast, so we've got that going for us. He really attacked the ball with his hands instead of letting it come to him, and that's my favorite thing to see a receiver do.

The defensive line looked better than I expected. I didn't expect much, but I thought they did a good job of staying low and using leverage to collapse the pocket even if they weren't able to get much clean penetration.

I underestimated Vandenberg. He did exactly what a good quarterback should do to a bad team. Bravo, Moxon, bravo.

Wisconsin vs. UNLV
I thought it last year, and I still think James White is a better back than Montee Ball. Ball looks much this year than he did early on last year, but I still prefer White. Credit where credit is due, Ball's first touchdown run had some very impressive footwork.

I don't know how I feel about Borland being moved from outside linebacker to inside. The guy showed a good ability to blitz off the outside, so it'd be a shame if Wisconsin wasted that talent. He even played some defensive end last year on passing downs, and he can cause serious matchup problems for offensive tackles, not only with his speed, but also with his ability to get low making it hard for linemen to get their hands on him.

Russell Wilson just flings the football out there, which is very ugly, but damn, it sure was accurate.

As good as Wisconsin looked on offense, the defense left a lot to be desired. I saw very little push from their front four throughout the game, and every offensive line in the Big Ten (even Indiana's) will be better than UNLV's. Wisconsin will be a good team, but unless this defensive line greatly improves as the season goes on, I have trouble seeing them win the Leaders Division.

And that's all I got for this week. Next week will probably also be focused on Big Ten football, because of my blatant irresponsibility.

-Joe

P.S. Derrick Rose playing with hand puppets, because...why not?