The WWE Is Ruining... Mojo Rawley

As a pro wrestling fan, it is a part of our identity to always know how to utilize wrestlers better than the WWE. If WWE would just give me, random WWE fan, a job a the company, ratings would immediately rise to the levels of the Monday Night Wars, despite how television ratings have changed as a whole over the last 20 years. But until that happens, WWE will continue ruining our favorite wrestlers, and that is why it is time to point out the error in their ways. Because of WWE's incompetence, I am literally going to pick a wrestler at random and point out how they could be better utilized, because WWE is ruining everyone in one way or another.

Today, I am getting hyped to talk about the WWE's incompetence, but the question is whether I can stay hyped as I talk about Rob Gronkowski's best friend, Mojo Rawley.

Mojo Rawley is a bunch of charisma, but his wrestling prowess leaves something to be desired. He's basically like a big puppy stomping around with feet that are too big for his body. Sure it's cute, but there is only so much you can do when it's constantly shitting all over the place.

He's probably shown his best charisma as a heel as he can believably show disdain for flashy good guys who deserve beatings. But he doesn't have the technical skills or overwhelming power to be the believable badass that he would need to be.

I think he would be a perfect mid-level babyface in the 1980s. I know this may sound weird, but he basically reminds me of Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake. He has a lot of energy, not great in the ring, but he has enough charisma to get cheered as long as we occasionally remind people that he's friends with Hulk Hogan.

Now, obviously, I would like to make Brutus Beefcake the father of Mojo Rawley, but since I just did that last week with Norman Smiley and Alicia Fox, I probably shouldn't go back to that well just yet. Seriously, if I was on WWE Creative, my first response for any new character would be to make someone from late-90s WCW their biological father. My first recommendation would always be La Parka.

Okay, got a little sidetracked there. Back to Mojo Rawley. Since nothing stands out about Mojo Rawley to me, I think you just use him as a jobber to elevate more important talent. If you're looking to maximize Mojo, put him in a tag team with a great worker. If you kept him as a good guy, tagged him up with Sami Zayn, you could have a pretty great team where Mojo can just come in as the hot tag guy and dominate for two minutes while Zayn handles the heavy lifting. I do not believe this is the best use of Sami Zayn, so I'd keep Mojo as a jobber.

Since Rawley does not get my mojo rising, I consulted Lukewarm Jonah for his take on the situation.

The WWE is ruining Mojo Rawley.  He won the Andre The Giant Battle Royal when he eliminated Jinder Mahal.  If you had told me one of the final people in that match would be a world champion I would have guessed Gronk.  Then after that battle royal, they did pretty much nothing with him.  The WWE did something right with Mojo Rawley, turn him heel.  He was pretty unlikeable as a face, as his gimmick of I have a famous friend isn’t a great one to relate to the wide audience.  I got to witness heel Mojo before anyone else, at an NXT house show he worked as a heel and thrusted a bunch.  Just so much thrusting.  One thing his current character is missing is that thrusting.  Another way that the WWE could get Mojo over is by completely flipping his face character.  Face Mojo didn’t get hype, he stayed hype.  Heel Mojo should be as low energy as possible.  I suggest a saying of I don’t get melancholy I stay melancholy, or morose.  Then he could be Triple M, Melancholy Morose Mojo.  Also his entrance music should be The Simpsons Monkey pressing the computer and making it say “Pray For Mojo” set over “Melancholy and The Infinite Sadness”.  He also needs an NFL friend, but not Gronk, he’s too hype.  Luckily, there’s the perfect low energy NFL star who has tons of time on his hands, Jay Cutler.  Cutler can come to shows and look uninterested while Mojo wheels himself to the ring.  Cutler can also throw things at Mojo’s opponents to distract them, but he’ll hit Mojo about half the time, because he throws a lot of interceptions you see.  Super low energy Mojo will be a huge hit and get over like crazy, the crowd will boo like crazy when he low energy thrusts.

Yeah, it's probably best to make Mojo a jobber; it's up to the audience on whether they want Jay Cutler to be his manager or not.

Other Wrestlers WWE Is Ruining
Alicia Fox
Bobby Lashley
Charlotte Flair
Dana Brooke
Dash Wilder
Kane
Kofi Kingston
Mickie James
Nia Jax
Peyton Royce
Randy Orton
Scott Dawson
Tyler Breeze

The West Texas Rednecks Are The Greatest Country Music Act In History

As a native Iowan, I know a lot about country music. I can name double-digit country music recording artists off the top of my head. Don't believe me? Alan Jackson, Garth Brooks, uh Toby Keith...and seven others that I will not list since I don't want to dignify your hypothetical question. But yeah, I know A LOT about country music. You probably thought I named all of the country musicians, but I left one very important group off that list, and that is the greatest country music act in history, The West Texas Rednecks.

The West Texas Rednecks came together during the summer of 1999, and they immediately set the world on fire with their debut hit, "I Hate Rap."

It still holds up as possibly the greatest song in country music history. What many people may not know is that the West Texas Rednecks were actually professional wrestlers who just created chart-topping country music hits on the side. In fact, they came up with this song so they could feud with Master P and the No Limit Soldiers, but in their first try at creating music, they did something better than Master P had ever come close to in his entire career. If I know anything about the south, it is their love of hip hop culture, but even in rapping hotbeds like Alabama, Mississippi, and Florida, people could not get enough of this country music. Finally, even southerners could enjoy country music.

But the West Texas Rednecks did not just rest on their laurels with the success of "I Hate Rap." They went out and created a tune nearly as good with their second single, "Good Ol' Boys."

Pretty bold move by these guys to make a song with the same name as the theme from the Dukes of Hazzard, but that just shows you the confidence that these guys had in themselves as musicians.

They got a bit more of a budget in this video as this is pretty impressive technology for 1999.

But they still knew that it was all about the music. Some artists would have played it safe and gone with something similar to their first success. Sure, they could have written Funk is Bunk or Rhymes Are Crimes, but they evolved as artists with "Good Ol' Boys," even using a female vocalist for the refrain.

The most important thing is that they also got edgy in their lyrics. If you think crap was on the borderline of decency, well, they really pushed the envelope on this one.

We got an old hound dog and a pickup truck
We like the long-legged country girls who know how to...

Before I go on to that final word, let me think of something that I would like a country girl to know how to do. Oh, and it should also rhyme with truck. Could it be puck, and they have a weird obsession with hockey? Probably not. Tuck - I mean it is possible that they want to be tucked in for bedtime. Ugh, this is tough, Buck doesn't quite work. Cuck seems incredibly weird and a little too progressive for country music. Duck would help if they were on a dodgeball team. Fu...oh yeah, that's definitely it.

And it would have been, but they instead went with Love, which doesn't even rhyme and just shows you what they were really thinking. They say this line a second time and even drag out the pause to really let you know what they like to do with country girls.

Unfortunately, the band members went their separate ways shortly after their second hit and never recorded another song again. If their goal was to conquer country music, it's tough to blame them after they clearly achieved that goal. It doesn't matter whether they did it with talent or did it with luck; they were on the prowl to find those country girls who know how to...love.

Two songs, two number one hits. Nobody in music history can match that. You might call it great; I'd call it Perfect.

Ultimate Warrior in WCW: What Went Wrong?

Ultimate Warrior is one of the greatest wrestling characters in history. No, he was not the most technically gifted performer, but that didn't take away from the fact that he was totally awesome. He was not a totally awesome as a person, because, really, his thoughts on homosexuals is still far more offensive than Hulk Hogan saying a racial slur in private (neither is good). There are so many things you can talk about with the Ultimate Warrior, but I would like to focus on the most stupid one: His late career run in WCW. Spoiler alert: It was so bad.

WCW had one goal when they brought in the Ultimate Warrior, and that was to play to all of his weaknesses. The Ultimate Warrior was never very good at speaking.

The WWE did their best to hide this weakness by only letting him do backstage promos for 30 second stretches where he could just be super energetic without having to actually make sense in anything that he said.

Of course, WCW gave him live promos where he was forced to give long, drawn out speeches. Ultimate Warrior's schtick worked best in quick bursts of nonsense, long diatribes of nonsense only worked great at killing a crowd. So his debut definitely involved Warrior going on for twenty minutes where he accused Hulk Hogan of shitting his pants. Grade A work.

Ultimate Warrior wasn't really a wrestler, at least not a competent one; he was a body. The WWE displayed that body, and even though the Warrior had lost some size later on in his career, he was still jacked by any measurement. Still, the WCW put him in jeans, a duster, and wrestling boots. Ultimate Warrior's greatest attribute as a professional wrestler was just looking like The Ultimate Warrior. WCW decided to cover him up.

Finally, Ultimate Warrior had one of the best entrances in pro wrestling history. They gave him metal music and had him sprint down to the ring. Instead they made this his theme, and gave him a trap door to rise into the ring from. So instead of sprinting in, kicking ass, and sprinting out, he came through a trap door and escaped through a trap door like a coward. Ultimate Warrior should never be using nefarious ways to escape; he should be clotheslining his way out of every situation. In fact, that is how WCW should have brought him back. Just send him to every day activities, and have him clothesline his way through DMV lines, body press a car to change a tire, and give a big splash to a tarantula. That would have been awesome.

He only had three matches, and only one singles match. We'll start there with the most overbooked match in wrestling history, Hogan vs. Warrior II, Electric Boogaloo. It was two wrestlers who were well past their prime, who were never known for their in-ring work, and they tried to recreate magic from nearly a decade earlier. It did not go well. There was the flame paper that Hogan tried to throw at Warrior, and that, uh, didn't come close to working properly. Then, Hogan won the match with help from Horace, who had just left the flock to be outed as Hogan's nephew. Honestly, by that point, I think everyone in the crowd was just happy it was over.

The second match Warrior had actually could have been cool as he tagged with his old tag partner, Sting, to take on Bret Hart and Hulk Hogan. I say it could have been cool had they actually had four of the most popular professional wrestlers in history just have a match, because by just having those guys out there, the crowd would have been way into it. Instead, they managed to put on one of the worst tag matches ever. Sting got beat up for five minutes, finally made the tag to Warrior, who never took off his stupid airbrushed duster jacket and cleaned house until the nWo interfered a minute later. Then Warrior filled the ring with smoke so he could escape.

His final match was a 3 on 3 on 3 match where he was on Team WCW with Roddy Piper and DDP to take on Team nWo Black and White with Hogan, Bret Hart, and Stevie Ray, and nWo Wolfpack with Kevin Nash, Lex Luger, and Sting. Yes, Sting, the ultimate WCW guy, was in that weird stage where he just up and decided he was no longer brooding, and wore red face paint. It was a 25 minute match, and Warrior was out there for three minutes, but they at least finally let him run down to the ring, and the crowd went crazy for it. He also tore apart the cage to get to Hogan, which would eventually lead to...nothing. Warrior was never seen or heard from again.

Ultimate Warrior's run in WCW was one giant missed opportunity. You were never going to recreate the magic of WrestleMania VI, but they could have still done some really fun things with him. Instead, they played to his weaknesses and let that initial excitement turn to apathy. It was almost a relief when Warrior disappeared, especially since he didn't need a trap door to do it.

Eric Bischoff Nearly Killed Two Fans

I don't want to get into a long diatribe about how great Eric Bischoff was, but he was super great. If you don't love Bischoff, the problem is not him, it is you. As I was watching the February 16, 1998 Monday Nitro, the thing that most stood out to me was not Larry Zbyszko being so dedicated to kayfabe that he buried Louie Spiccoli a day after his death, but instead, it was Bischoff. It wasn't even anything Bischoff said, but he had ten seconds of pure magic during his entrance that I cannot stop laughing about.

This video is pure magic. Bischoff manages to work every fan perfectly.

First off, he shows his appreciation for all of the fans, even stating that he loves them. And who could he love more than a dude cosplaying as Garth from Wayne's World.

Okay, so after viewing the video a dozen times, I realized that it's not a guy but actually just the most WCW female fan ever, but I think that actually makes it better. Clearly, this woman is in love with him, but Bischoff knows he can only give her a taste as too much would kill her right there in her seat. So he gives her some tickle fingers, but nothing more, she's simply not ready.

Somehow, even better than that is his interaction with the next fan.

With the first fan, Bischoff showed restraint by not ending her life in a pool of ecstasy. With the second fan, Bischoff clearly could have punched his head right off of his neck, but he showed restraint in not knocking out this child. Never forget, Bischoff had a black belt in karate. Not only does Bischoff totally show this kid who is boss without throwing a punch, but he exits out of the potential fight in the coolest way possible. You see the shrug, but it actually gets better from there.

Such a great shrug off, and he somehow tops it by immediately transitioning into a Too Sweet. I want to exit every bad situation exactly like that. Get fired from a job? Don't care, too sweet the receptionist. Your best girl dumps you? Don't care, too sweet the nearest hot chick. This could literally turn every bad situation into a great one. This is the greatness of Eric Bischoff.

Wait, you still don't love Eric Bischoff? Mr. Bischoff, what do you think of that.

My thoughts exactly.

A Comprehensive Breakdown of Kevin Greene's Wrestling Career

WCW was all about star power in the mid-to-late 90s, and legitimate athletes were often the objects of their desire. Kevin Greene was a guy who was in the right place at the right time to take advantage of this. Greene was one of the coolest players in the NFL during his prime. Him and Greg Lloyd were probably the coolest outside linebacker duo of the last 25 years. WCW was hoping that his persona would carry over from the gridiron to the pro wrestling ring. I would say it had mixed results.

For the positives, let's get one thing out of the way: It was awesome to be Kevin Greene. It's kind of amazing how much money he was able to make in WCW. From 1996-mid 2000, Kevin Greene was the 26th highest paid wrestler, and he only wrestled FIVE TIMES from 1996-1998. Bill Goldberg was the hottest wrestler WCW had in 1998, and Kevin Greene made more money than him that year. Throughout that five year span, Greene made more than Chris Jericho, Chris Benoit, and Dean Malenko. It was a really great time to be Kevin Greene. But let's not just focus on the money. Let's focus on what the impact he had on WCW.

Greene's first feud was teaming up with another footballer in Steve "Mongo" McMichael. Mongo had beef with The Four Horsemen, especially Ric Flair, because Flair kept trying to fuck Mongo's wife, and this was despite the fact that he already had two girlfriends. It was really great. She would turn him down week after week, and Flair would just continue to hit on her in every town, because apparently she traveled the country to watch her husband announce wrestling. Even Arn Anderson had to compliment Flair on his ability to get every woman he ever desired. Finally, Mongo got fed up and decided he was going to fight Flair and Arn Anderson. He needed a partner, and since he had no experience in wrestling, he decided to find another guy with zero experience in wrestling and tag up with Kevin Greene.

Kevin Greene was very adamant that Ric Flair and Arn Anderson remember their jock straps and mouthguards, because it's gonna be an all-day affair (and safety first).

Let me warn you about this training video. There is gay pornography that is not as homoerotic as this workout video.

Let's just focus on the quotes from this masterpiece:

"We're coming hard all day long."
"He's pulling that thing like he's gonna pull your head off."
"It's yours, Mongo. Pull it in there, baby."

Now, that is how you do a workout video right. So Kevin Greene's wrestling career is off to a resounding start before he's even had his first match.

Which is good, because this workout video is one of the highlights of his career. His first match didn't go so well for him as Mongo took a briefcase full of cash, hit Greene over the head with it and joined The Four Horsemen. Greene had been played by the dirtiest player in the game, and it was clear that Kevin Greene would forever remain enemies with The Four Horsemen.

He tagged with Flair in his next match. Yes. those two teamed up with Roddy Piper to take on Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, and Syxx. Now it was nearly a year later (something called the Carolina Panthers got in the way), and Greene said that he didn't trust him, but his love of Roddy Piper, despite admitting to be a Hulkamaniac as a child, apparently also loved Hulk's arch nemesis. Somehow, they won, because WCW for some reason decided that Piper, well past his prime, was an unstoppable force that must never take a loss. It was a really weird time.

A month later, Greene got his revenge when he took on Steve McMichael. If you ever wanted to watch two football players take their shot in a wrestling ring, well, you'd have some other options outside of this one as Mongo also took on Reggie White later on, but this was one of the best. It was obviously not good, but Greene did get the win.

Then football season got in the way again, and it was another year before he got his final feud in WCW. Since a year had passed, he was basically an honorary member of the Four Horsemen at this point, just hanging with his best bud, Mongo, and all of his friends who helped to completely screw him over in his first wrestling match. Still, it was his biggest feud yet, literally, as he squared off against The Giant.

The actual match only lasts about a minute, but it still manages to be a pretty impressive shitshow. Somehow Kevin Greene does not get disqualified for a blatant low blow, but The Giant does get disqualified for the nWo interfering in the match. But before all that happened, my favorite Kevin Greene moment of his career happened.

This is the gif for that feeling when you're about to have sex for the first time and her Dad comes home.

A couple weeks later, The Giant got his revenge and defeated Kevin Greene at Bash at the Beach. During that offseason, NFL teams put in a "No Wrestling" clause into Greene's contract and effectively ended his career.

Was Kevin Greene a great wrestler? No. He wasn't a good, or even average wrestler, but he had a lot of energy, and the main got paid. I mean, he was basically a super successful version of Mojo Rawley, and that ain't too bad for a part-time gig. Sure, wrestling fans probably won't look back on his career fondly, but if I were Greene, I'd be pretty damn pleased with myself. He went into another sport, had fun while doing it, and got paid. We should all be so lucky.

The Kevin Durant Signing Was Good For The Golden State Warriors

I believe the Kevin Durant signing was good for the Golden State Warriors. Kevin Durant is an above average NBA player and if you get enough of those, you might just have a shot at making some noise. In sports, making noise isn't just about who yells the loudest. It's about winning games by scoring more points than the opposition. I believe Kevin Durant helps the Golden State Warriors do this.

Kevin Durant puts the ball in the hoop. That is the best way to score points. You may think that this is the only way to score points, but if you're very crafty you can get an opponent to accidentally put it in your basket, and your team will also receive points for that. Basketball is cray-cray.

The Golden State Warriors won many games last year, but they did not win enough. They need to win more if they want to be champions, especially in the playoffs. Kevin Durant will help them do this. That is what makes this a good signing for the Golden State Warriors.

I hope you enjoyed my in-depth report on Kevin Durant signing with the Golden State Warriors.

***

You know how sometimes when something traumatic happens, an adult will revert back to a childlike state to deal with the grief. This article is that for me. And it's not even about Durant, it's really just a way for me to deal with the Bulls signing Rajon Rondo.

But yeah, if I were a Warriors fan, I'd feel like this:

As a Bulls fan, I feel like this:

Ahmed Johnson: What Is There To Say?

Ahmed Johnson was my jam as a child. I was a big fan of muscular dudes, and especially liked guys with face paint or minorities. Had Great Muta been more muscular, he probably would have been my favorite wrestler of all time. But Ahmed Johnson still fit nicely within that niche.

Because of that, in my draft folder, I have had a post with Ahmed Johnson's name on it and not much else. I know there is something to be said about Ahmed Johnson, but I'm not exactly sure what I should be focusing on.

I could focus on his physique as he was a giant black man, and he was incredibly over during his WWE career. Every time the dude showed up, people got jacked up about his presence. He really didn't do much outside of being big and strong, but that was enough. He seemed destined for stardom based strictly on aesthetic appeal, but it never came together.

I guess I could talk about why it didn't come together. Ah yes, injuries. This is a guy who was always pushed pretty hard; he never seemed to take clean losses, but it only got him as far as the Intercontinental Title, which he had to relinquish immediately because he got injured. Ahmed Johnson had an athletic build, but he never really looked athletic. Everything seemed strained, and despite the million dollar exterior, the interior never held up to get him that World Title push.

I could talk about his time in the Nation of Domination, but it is literally the most forgettable thing out there. It could have been a really important thing of African American performers banding together as they felt the establishment was holding them down, but they didn't push Farooq into the title and things kind of had to go in a different direction. They turned on Ahmed Johnson, and Ahmed went right back to fighting against the Nation of Domination like he didn't just say they made some good points a few weeks earlier. But don't worry about the Nation; they ended up finding a rather charismatic superstar to replace Ahmed Johnson (Hint: he has the same last name).

I could talk about his run in WCW as Big T, but I think we should forget everything that led Booker T to become Booker to become GI Bro. 

I could talk about his promos, but what can you really say about this?

See, there's nothing to really say about that. And, here's another promo:

Okay, you got me. I have some thoughts on this. There is simply no way to listen to this promo and not think that Stone Cold Steve Austin sexually assaulted Ahmed Johnson. I mean, Ahmed gets mad at Stone Cold for entering the zone, which he later clarifies as his zone, and then he further clarifies that it is an end zone. He then FURTHER clarifies that an end zone is a place where you score and admitted that Stone Cold Steve Austin scored on him. He then warns that he is going to score on Stone Cold, and that Austin should look out, because he's coming to get him. Um, I mean, what do you say to that?

I've got nothing to say about Ahmed Johnson.

A Comprehensive Breakdown of the nWo's Parody of the Four Horsemen - My Spot

The nWo was influential for many reasons. They were bad guys that got cheered. They were self-aware wrestlers which was not a thing back then. And they also created impersonations of other wrestlers. Now I'm not talking about the Fake Sting impersonation where they try to pass it off as real, but impersonations where everybody knows that they are fakes and are mocking their rivals. As the saying goes, "You always remember your first time," and the first time the nWo mocked another group will always stand out as the best, as they did an impeccable job of mocking The Four Horsemen. Let's get to the actors involved:

Every great comedy bit needs a straight man, Mean Gene Okerlund plays himself as the straight man.

He is essential in this role, as it would be easy to be fooled by the nWo impersonators who look so much like their Four Horsemen counterparts. Also, they actually got Mongo to play himself, so that added credibility to everything.

Look closer. Do you see it? I tricked you. That is actually Konnan playing the role of Steve "Mongo" McMichael. The resemblance is uncanny. I mean, he's even got a football, but trust me, that is not a former Super Bowl Champion, it's a Mexican Gangster who wants you toss his salad and peel his potatoes.

Next up, we have Syxx playing the role of Ric Flair.

He nailed the hair, but keeping the goatee is a dead giveaway that this is not The Nature Boy. Still, he was kind of ahead of his time in his impersonation, as he "Woos" every other word, which became a signature of 60-year-old senile Flair.

Playing the role of Curt Hennig is Buff Bagwell, who I have deemed Buff Perfect.

He's got a ponytail (not seen but trust me, it's there), a towel, and gum, so yeah, I'd say he nailed it.

And finally, there is Arn Anderson, played by Kevin Nash.

Nash really commits to the role with a bald cap and balding wig, a pillow under his shirt, and a cooler full of beer to truly embody what Arn Anderson had become. He commits to the role, and that deserves credit.

But this entire skit depends on the "spot." It is the word that ties everything together, and Buff Perfect gets to that point very early on.

Syxx Flair didn't mean to put him on the spot, and there was no way that wouldn't remind Buff of his dog spot. This is only the slow build for what is coming later.

They then bring out Arn Nash, and he tells them the beer is on ice. There is nothing more important to a Horsemen than cold beer, and Syxx Flair reacts appropriately.

Arn Nash then makes a failed joke about labor before going into his accomplishments as a wrestler.

I laugh at the carpentry skills line every time. Then Nash got back into the real issues he is having, and how he lost the feeling in his left hand, the importance, of course, being that the left hand was the hand he used to open beer. A Horseman who can't drink is a Horseman who can't party, and that really means he isn't a Horseman at all.

Arn Nash then starts talking about fat broads, which to 13-year-old me was hilarious, but looking back, does not quite hit the same notes it did. So thanks a lot maturity and respect for all people, you've made me a better person but made things from my childhood less funny.

They get back to their comedic wheelhouse and close it by talking about spots.

"Not a liver spot, not your dog spot, and not anybody else's spot, but MY spot." After watching this nearly 20 years later, my list of the best things about this have changed from my 13-year-old perspective. Here are the top three things.

3. Everything involving the word spot.
Some jokes never get old, and I still enjoy this. I mean, yeah, I understand Arn Anderson's spot is important, but if they have to give out specific spots, that means that somebody took Paul Roma's spot. That person was definitely Mongo but still.

2. It would be an honor.
After Nash goes through his big diatribe about a spot, Buff Perfect tells them how terrible the Four Horsemen are, and then gives an over the top, "It would be an honor." I wish that this moment was more relevant as I would use it to respond to any request that somebody gave me.

1. Konnan as Mongo
There is nothing more perfect than this.

nWo 4 Life.

Hulk Hogan's Presidential Run

With the 2016 election heating up, there is no better time to look back on the presidential campaign that was truly ahead of its time. If all you need now is celebrity status and a willingness to say and do stupid things, there was one candidate who was ready before all the rest. That candidate? The Immortal (and possibly racist) Hulk Hogan. I mean, just imagine if Donald Trump would have said what Hogan got in so much trouble for, we wouldn't have batted an eye, and there would have been plenty of Backwoods Iowans ready to say, "He's just saying what we're all thinking." But alas, Hogan tried to run for President in 2000 instead of 2016, and that was truly his biggest mistake. Still, let's take a look back on the greatest presidential candidate that the United States has ever seen.

In 1998, Hulk Hogan knew his career was over and decided to announce his retirement. There was no better time and place to do this than Thanksgiving Night on the Jay Leno show.

When Leno asked Hulk what he was going to announce, Hulk responded, "The big announcement is, since it's Thanksgiving and everyone's at home watching, I kind of come to the crossroads here and I've accomplished everything I wanted to do in wrestling. My family's secure, I've had a great career, and I wanted to officially announce my retirement."

Let's quickly break down the most ridiculous things from this short response.

3. "Since it's Thanksgiving and everyone's at home watching"
Wait, is that a thing? Is this a tradition that we celebrate to honor Native Americans? Like, we stole their land and infested them with disease, so we will watch late night talk shows to pay our respects? I don't remember that being a thing.

2. "I've accomplished everything I wanted to do in wrestling...I wanted to officially announce my retirement"
Hulk Hogan wrestled for another FIFTEEN years, and he has still been squawking about getting one more match in the WWE.

1. "My family's secure"
And the reason Hulk Hogan is still trying to wrestle is because he's still trying to make money. Your wife filing divorce, trying to support your daughter's musical career, and your son paralyzing someone has a way to drain your assets rather quickly. Hence, a lot more wrestling, plenty of public appearances, and racism, although the racism doesn't seem to be paying off.

But the Hulkster still had plenty to say about his potential Presidency, and Jay Leno was asking the tough questions:

Jay: But have you had any experience at all in this field?
Hulk: Well, I've been making decisions all my life.

The man has a point, and try to prove him wrong...you can't. He'd been making decisions his whole life, so how was he not ready to be president?

Jay: I'm glad you're not coming into comedy. Now what about your past? Any secrets? Cause they invesitgate you.

Hulk: We all make mistakes, and thank God we learn from those mistakes. I mean, I'm beyond this mid-life crisis that Clinton is going through now.

This is probably my favorite line from Hogan's brief Presidential run. He's beyond a mid-life crisis. The last twenty years of Hulk Hogan's life has been one giant mid-life crisis. He calls out Clinton for cheating on his wife, but this is a man who had sex with his friend's wife, which is...uh, better? This doesn't even bring up the much weirder aspect of his mid-life crisis. He has a weird obsession with his daughter to the point that he is now married to a woman who looks EXACTLY like his daughter.

And they both look like him, which does not help his case, but hey, to each their own. As for his policies, all he said was that he wanted to go into Iraq and take out Saddam Hussein (although he couldn't pronounce it right), which is dumb, and he wanted a flat tax which is somehow even dumber.

But did anyone take this seriously? Well, CBS News reported it, so yeah, people did take it seriously.

Hulk Hogan was ready to save America through training, prayers, and eating vitamins. Unfortunately, a larger mission was on the horizon.

Yes, just six weeks after Hulk Hogan announced his bid for the Presidency, and on the night he had planned on letting the world know who his Vice President would be, he gave it all up to save WCW (and also to call Bill Goldberg a sexual deviant).

What was so big that Hulk had to come back to wrestling? Well, a shot at Kevin Nash and the WCW title, which of course led to this:

THE FINGERPOKE OF DOOM!

When I began writing this piece, I imagined how much better the world would be if Hulk would have spent eight great years in the White House. We'd have no debt, there would be no childhood obesity, and terrorists would no longer exist as they would have long ago converted to Hulkamania. But we also wouldn't have The Fingerpoke of Doom, and quite frankly, that's not a world I want to live in.

You made the right choice, Hulk.

Alex Wright - The German Hulk Hogan

Alex Wright is not a name that sticks with the casual wrestling fan. He is most known as being a dancing, German jobber and didn't make a huge impact on the sport. But he was a dancing, German jobber, so I obviously loved him. I mean, just look at this guy:

And that was in preparation to take on Triple H. He straight up punked The Game. What's not to love? Alex Wright could have been so much more in different circumstances. Just with his dancing, he's one of the most charismatic Euorpean pro wrestlers in history; I mean, he's basically the Hulk Hogan of Germany.

But he wasn't just a master on the dance floor; he was also a master on the microphone, with many claiming he was the most influential German orator since a certain unnamed 1940s dictator.

I'm always a big fan of when foreigners make fun of Ameicans for only being able to speak one language, as it is a COMPLETELY legitimate claim, because Americans are so xenophobic that ehy only learn to speak Murrican. Also, I am 100% guilty of this, as I did not care to learn Spanish when I had the chance.  He then calls out DDP, which is probably a good call, because DDP's Vegas White Trash look really was the epitome of stupid Americans, but without looking it up, I'm going to go out on a limb and say Alex Wright did not beat DDP and go on to challenge for the World Heavyweight Title at Halloween Havoc. Must have been some interference.

But why pick on DDP when you can pick on Tony Schiavone?

He calls Schiavone a "Pig of a man. An overweight, out of shape, LOSER." This man was basically German Donald Trump. Das Wunderkind for next German Fuhrer. He does get a little lost when he calls out Americans for being losers, but then individually calls out every European wrestler, who are also losers. He was mostly right, but dead wrong when he included Norman Smiley in that group.

Obviously, he was great cutting promos on cable television, so the only question left was whether he could take it to the most important medium of them all. Could Alex Wright, Das Wunderkind, convince you to select him in a video game? I think this video gives a definitive answer.

Oh, hell yeah. I want high-flying acrobatics and total wrestling action, so I am definitely going to find out what Alex Wright is all about.

So what did the dancing and the mic skills lead to? Probably three of the most unforgettable title runs in WCW history. He won the Cruiserweight Title and feuded with Jericho for about a month before losing the belt. Then, less than a week later, he won the TV Title from Ultimo Dragon before losing the title to Disco Inferno who would later become his tag partner as they formed the Dancing Fools, which, shockingly, did not lead to a run with the titles.

Then Alex Wright dyed his hair, got a mohawk, and became Berlyn. It did not work out well, as you can see here.

Luckily, Alex Wright reformed his tag team with Disqo Inferno (who changed his name to be more like Sisqo) and they became Boogie Knights. They had a feud with the Natural Born Thrillers, but Disqo got hurt. It didn't matter thought, as General Rection subbed in for him and he and Alex Wright won the Tag Titles together. Since this was late era WCW, Wright defended the titles with Elix Skipper as his partner a few days later and lost it to different members of the Natural Born Thrillers. He remained on the WCW roster until the bitter end but never transitioned to the WWE.

He was known as Das Wunderkind, Berlyn, and The German Hulk Hogan. In the end, he was just Alex Wright, and although it was a goofy career, maybe it was just Wright.

Kimberly Page Can't Dance

I've been having old Nitros playing in the background while I'm reading and writing, and occasionally something will catch my eye. One of these things was the debut of the Nitro Girls, but it was not for the obvious reasons. The Nitro Girls came along in 1997, which meant I was 13 years old at the time. This was an age where I started liking girls, but I would never outwardly admit that I liked girls (Note: This stage lasted about a decade). Hence, I was a big Kimberly fan, but as a 13 year old, I would have only described her looks as "Nice body, good hooters." Those words still ring true today, but as I started watching, I realized that Kimberly Page can't dance. Instead of just stating this with no proof, I'm going to break down the video evidence.


She's not that great on the microphone either, but I'm sure that she's happy that she no longer has to be The Booty Babe and hang out with Hulk Hogan's weird hot dog friend. But dancing wasn't really her strength as one of the first moves of the dance routine already made her look like she was moving in slow motion (and also not correctly).

She has no clue what is going on, and this wasn't the only slip up. She is very clearly trying to watch the girl next to her for clues on what she is supposed to be doing.

Literally, any time they brought up the level to professional dancer speed, poor Kim was just lost.

At least here she knows she's behind and tries to cut some corners, but if you're not going to do it right, you shouldn't be doing it at all. Straight arms, Kimmy.

Well, at least, she can throw her hands up, right?

Eh, I guess a shoulder shrug works just as well.

This usually wouldn't bother me. I mean, although I am an aficionado of West Coast Dance, I understand that anyone can have an off night. But this was their debut. This was their make or break moment, and Kimberly went out there and shit the bed repeatedly. On a lot of these moves, it's clear that she's not just slow, but she simply doesn't know the routine. This is unacceptable, and although she was the leader, I'd like to believe the Nitro Girls were a Cheerocracy and not a Cheertatorship. The latter is the only reason she could have stuck around, as any great squad knows that you're only as good as the weakest link.

Kimberly was the weakest link; it's just a shame that the Nitro Girls didn't say "Goodbye."

Roddy Piper's WCW Nitro Open Challenge

Roddy Piper's run in WCW left a lot to be desired. Let's face it; the world was changing, so Piper was no longer able to paint half his body black and for it to be totally acceptable. He was also getting a little older and had a family, so he wasn't going to be busting random bottles over his head and bleeding profusely for the sake of a promo.

Classic Roddy Piper was on another level. WCW Piper was basically a different person. They gave him a little too much creative freedom, which usually just harmlessly resulted in him cutting a promo that went about ten minutes too long. But in advance of the WCW Uncensored PPV in 1997, it was a hilarious disaster that was absolutely painful to watch.

Roddy Piper was tasked with putting a team together to face the nWo (and weirdly, also a team from WCW). He decided to have an open challenge to find the toughest guys in the back to join his team. They would fight Piper, and the crowd would decide if they were tough enough to join his squad. It did not go well.

Now usually with these open challenges, they may bring out a few jobbers, and then some legit guys that fans know to actually join the team. Piper convinced the WCW to do something differently, and honestly, there's not much more I can say, so let's just go through our challengers.

1. Meathead 1

First, we have Meathead 1. He at least looks athletic, but he's wearing jeans and a belt, so he didn't exactly do his best to prepare for this challenge. He does have a pretty long ponytail, so that is something. The most fascinating thing this guy does in his 30 seconds in the ring is tap out to a kimura by Piper, so clearly Piper knew a little about shooting, because that move was never used as a pro wrestling submission. Still, Piper asks the fans to give him thumbs up or thumbs down, and the entire crowd gives the thumbs down.

2. Meathead 2

The most positive thing I can say about this guy is that he at least wore jean shorts and no belt. He also wore army boots, but hey, you can't win 'em all when it comes to fashion choices. This guy slapped Piper and then threw some knees, so he at least got some offense, but then Piper put him in the sleeper, and he went night night. He also receives a unanimous thumbs down.

3. Meathead 3

Does this guy look familiar? That's because he is what would happen if Meathead 1 and Meathead 2 had a baby. He got Meathead 2's torso, but he got Meathead 1's pants. This guy never even made it into the ring, because this happened...

...which brings us to our next contestant.

4. Craig Mally

Craig Mally is my favorite guy involved in this. Partially because he knocked out Meathead 3 with a hilarious haymaker, but mostly because he wears comically large boxing gloves, and he gives Roddy Piper comically small boxing gloves. I mean, look at that image above. Mally is wearing boat oars at the end of his hand, and he gave Piper a pair of mittens. They "box" for a few minutes, but it's just wild haymakers and hammer fists as both guys fall all over the ring. Piper is impressed, so he asks the crowd if they are impressed, and they emphatically boo while giving the thumbs down. Piper thinks that an extra minute of this mess will change their mind. It does not, but Piper puts him on the team anyway, because he thought people would give a shit about an oversized glove cheap shot artist who they have never seen before.

5. Layton Morrison

This was probably my least favorite guy. He's a kickboxer, and a guy who likes to pick Piper up awkwardly. The highlight of the match is when Morrison picks Piper up and nearly depantses him, and Piper decides to call it a day and just announce him as part of the team while the crowd erupts in boos.

6. John Tenta

Hey, it's a real life pro wrestler. I would say that John Tenta is a guy who belongs in something like this. The only problem is that he's more of a guy you bring out as the first legit guy as part of your team, since he's big, and that's always impressive. But he's not a final guy for fans to get excited about, so he's kinda swingin' above his weight here. Still, the crowd was so sick of the endless parade of jobbers that they shot up to their feet to cheer on Earthquake, aka The Shark, aka John Tenta (aka Golga, but he saved that for the future). John Tenta wrestles Piper for a minute, until the other two team members come in the ring to attack him, and the crowd continues to give the thumbs down as Craig Mally swings wildly and Layton Morrison trips over his own feet.

Eventually, the segment ends, as the crew is set to take on the nWo in two weeks at Uncensored.

They were replaced by the Four Horsemen one week later.

La Parka Is The Coolest Man In Wrestling History

As I relive the glory days of pro wrestling on the WWE Network, I have come across many hidden gems that I had totally forgotten about. Sure, there are some things that stand out to everyone, like how great Stone Cold Steve Austin was between King of the Ring and his submission match against Bret Hart at WrestleMania 13, which was the point where he got propelled to another level. But something that consistently stands out to me on Nitro is how amazing La Parka is. I mean, I remember being a huge La Parka fan back in the day, but I totally forgot just how cool he truly was.

La Parka was incredible in the ring, and I always thought his look was pretty cool, but looking back, this man had more style than anyone in wrestling history. His debut was a phenomenal match against Juventud Guerrera where he wore this...

just to reveal this...

yep, a chestpad that looks like Brak from Space Ghost.

I didn't think that look could be topped, but I should have known to never doubt La Parka. Then, about six months later, La Parka had a rematch with Juventud Guerrera. La Parka brought it in the first match, but Juvi didn't learn his lesson. So La Parka had to bring it even harder, as evidenced by this ring attire for his entrance.

BOSS. Like, I don't know another way to describe how awesome that outfit is. He's in full La Parka attire, and tehn somehow over that, he has a pajama suit of luchador masks, and he tops it off with a sombrero. Oh yeah, and since every suit needs a belt, he got himself a custom La Parka belt to show that he is the champion of...La Parka?

It doesn't matter, because he will forever be the champion of our hearts. He was just so damn cool that it was impossible not to love him. Oh yeah, and the next week, he started bringing chairs into the ring which began his run to Chairman of WCW. La Parka was so cool.

How did this guy ever lose? 

The 5 Worst Impostors In Wrestling History

Wrestling is known for larger than life characters that mostly appeal to children. Since I am basically just a 31-year-old child, I can still fully enjoy the spectacle of it all. But with those larger than life characters, there are inevitably impostors. And the impostors are inherently shitty. These five are remembered for sucking ass, and not a whole lot else.

5. Underfaker
Fake Undertaker was played by Brian Lee, and they did a fairly good job of finding someone of comparable size with the real Undertaker. The problem is trying to wrestle like The Undertaker, who combines the rigidness of a a dead man with the smoothness of an excellent big man professional wrestler. Another thing that helped him is that his run was mostly just one very bad match at SummerSlam, so he didn't stick around long enough to produce much vitriol.

4. Fake Diesel
Fake Diesel, along with another wrestler we will address later, are probably the most well known impostors in wrestling history. It was a garbage idea that was awful from the beginning and continued to be awful throughout its entire run. But they didn't ask Fake Diesel to talk very much, and honestly, it's not like Fake Diesel was a poor wrestler. He was probably less athletic than Diesel, but later in his career, he became a much better wrestler. He is remembered as being far worse than he actually was.

3. Fake Sting
Fake Sting was better than most of the people on the list, as they at least recognized that, yeah, this guy is a ripoff of the real Sting. Sure, they couldn't tell at first, because my 150 pound ass could have walked out in crow face paint, and the WCW roster would have assumed that I was the real Sting. Fake Sting probably had the biggest impact of any of these impostors, as he was the reason Sting went to Crow Sting since WCW turned their back on him. Wrestling wise, he was totally fine, but he obviously lost a lot of his luster once he was known as Fake Sting, especially since Larry Zbysko was able to use his famous Smell Puns and call him Stink from the New World Odor.

2. Fake Razor Ramon
As I mentioned earlier, Fake Diesel wasn't that bad of a version of Diesel. I mean, it was still a rip-off, but outside of being part of one of the worst ideas in wrestling history, it was fairly mundane. Fake Razor Ramon was soooooooooooo bad. I mean, real Razor Ramon was an American pretending to be latino, and Fake Razor was doing a bad impersonation of that while looking like a shorter, bloated version of the real Razor Ramon. It was an unbelievably bad combination, and the WWE quickly realized that Scott Hall was kind of an important part of that whole Razor Ramon gimmick working.

1. Renegade
He is the only guy that managed to not take the name of who was impersonating, but it was so painfully obvious who he was impersonating. The key word being painful, because man, he was the poorest man's version of Ultimate Warrior imaginable. The Ultimate Warrior only worked, because he was totally jacked and brought a ton of energy. The WCW decided to use a smaller, less energetic, not in great shape, version of Ultimate Warrior. He never got close to getting over, but they still gave him a title, so good for him for doing more than most people in wrestling. And I will also give credit to WCW for ending his importance by somebody rubbing the face paint off of him and him realizing that he sucks. He was able to console himself by having fun on the beach.

I'm Still Mad About Roddy Piper Beating Hulk Hogan At Starrcade 96

I just finished up all the WCW Monday Nitros on WWE Network. First off, WWE, put up at least 1997, because being stuck at this stage is just killing me. It is killing me, because I just watched Starrcade 96, and Roddy Piper somehow got a clean victory where he put Hollywood Hogan to sleep. That is literally the most embarrassing way to lose a match. I thought I remembered this happening, but nearly 20 years later, I was still sick to my stomach watching Piper go clean over Hogan.

Piper is no doubt a legend in pro wrestling, but trying to build up Piper as Hogan's equal is the most asinine comparison in wrestling history. No wrestling fan in history ever saw Piper as Hogan's equal. There are so many guys that would be brought up as Hogan's rival in those days before Piper: Savage, Warrior, Flair, and Andre are at least worthy adversaries. Since Hogan was King of WWE at that time and Piper never had a singles feud against him, he's more on the level of guys like Mr. Perfect. That is not meant as an insult as both Piper and Mr. Perfect were incredible talents that had a ton of influence on the pro wrestling as a whole.

And it's not like Piper was ever a great champion. Yes, he did have the Intercontinental Title, a belt held by guys like Macho Man Randy Savage, Rick Rude, and the Ultimate Warrior. Of course, the title had taken a major step backwards by the time Piper won it, as he beat The Mountie to take the title. That's right, The Mountie.

I think Pat Patterson's win in that tournament in Brazil is a more legitimate run than Piper had. Credit where credit is due, Piper did have a nice run in the NWA where he won the US Title back when that title really meant something, but it never meant nearly as much as any of Hogan's title reigns.

Weirdly, the match wasn't for the title, which I'm not even sure was good, because it meant that the victory meant nothing except for Piper calling himself an icon in every sentence he spoke for the rest of his time in WCW. It was so brutal that I am getting physically ill bringing these memories back. This was well past the point where Piper brought his A-game on the microphone, and Hogan was rarely effective in public speaking, so it lead to a lot of moments that are tough to watch.

Piper may have been great, but he never deserved a clean victory over Hogan (he probably didn't even deserve a dirty win over Hogan). But credit where credit is due; They Live is one of the great films of the 1980s, and that will always give Piper a special place in my heart.

If you're looking for a tl;dr version of this story, this video perfectly sums it up:

Hulk Hogan's Worst Insult

[Editor's Note: I originally wrote this before Hulk Hogan went all KKK on the world, so consider this the non-racist title of Hogan's worst insult.]

When Hulk Hogan joined the nWo, it was one of the most memorable moments in professional history. The purest babyface in wrestling history had gone heel and no longer cared about his Hulkamaniacs. He had gone Hollywood.

History often looks at Hogan as a great heel, because he was so hated. He actually did do a good job of wrestling as a heel, but this may have been that he already did a lot of heelish things in wrestling matches, but it was allowed, because he was Hulk Hogan. But when it comes to talking, Hulk Hogan may have been the worst heel in history.

You see, Hogan didn't quite understand insults or how to think on his feet. The latter has been made abundantly clear as time has gone on, as his in-ring promos are often repetitive and never seem to actually get to any sort of point. There is no greater example of this than when Hogan was getting set to fight Ric Flair at Clash of the Champions, and to help build the match, he came up with the ultimate insult.

He announced that he was no longer going to call Ric Flair by his name. Instead, he decided to demean Flair, and would only refer to him as, and brace yourself for this because it's a doozy, Hogan was going to call Flair, "The Stupid Little Man."

The Stupid Little Man.

The...Stupid...Little...Man.

Yep, that was his master insult. He really never figured out how the heel persona, but it's Hulk Hogan, and that's all that matters. If the man wants us to cheer, we will cheer. If he wants us to boo, we will boo, because for better or for worse, we are all Hulkamaniacs, and you're a stupid little man if you disagree.

The Five Biggest Jobbers of Goldberg's Undefeated Streak

When working with Lukewarm Jonah on our instant classic piece of writing on Glacier, Jonah mentioned that Glacier lost to Goldberg. I looked into it and found out that Glacier didn't lose once to Goldberg. He lost three times to Goldberg. The streak was simply too high for him to go through 173 different opponents. So I decided to go through the list and break down the five biggest jobbers involved in Goldberg's streak. Instead of subjectively finding out whether Wayne Bloom is a bigger jobber than Chase Tatum (those names may be made up, but they made the list).

5. Brad Armstrong - 6
This is the type of jobber I would expect to see on this list. He's good enough to be in the ring with Goldberg on television, but he's bad enough where you don't really need the match going longer than three minutes. Four of his losses were at random house shows, but he did manage to get one loss on Nitro and even a match on SuperBrawl VIII. They both went something like this...

The only reason he gets in any offense is to anger Goldberg so he has a reason to finish him off. This makes a lot of sense. Also, if you have an Armstrong Curse sweatshirt, you are either the world's greatest wrestling fan or Brad Armstrong.

4. Curt Hennig - 7
It is ironic that the former Mr. Perfect was the victim of someone else's perfection seven times during this streak. Also, Curt Hennig is way too good to be jobbing out to Goldberg that many times. There was a loss on Nitro and at Bash at the Beach, but, by far, the most important loss that Hennig had was at the Goodwill Games. I'm just going to assume that in 1998, the Goodwill Games recognized pro wrestling as a legitimate sport and Goldberg won it all. Either that, or as an honor to Goldberg, they replaced the traditional first prize medals with Goldberg Medals, which had Bill's face on the gold medal so the athletes could aspire to something greater.

3. Jerry Flynn - 8
Jerry Flynn may be the most perfect jobber for a guy like Goldberg. I mean, the guy posed zero threat, but he was large enough to make all (two) of Goldberg's moves look impressive. This is probably my favorite Bill Goldberg match of all time.

The beginning of the match involves one of my favorite things, and that is pro wrestling not understanding how MMA submissions work. They trade submissions, and I think two out of seven were actually applied correctly. But it's nonstop, and then Goldberg slams him, hits his two moves and calls it a day. These two were pure magic together. It's kind of amazing that Jerry Flynn only lost eight times to Goldberg.

2. Saturn - 11
Most of Saturn's losses came on house shows, which makes sense. But still, he managed to get two PPV matches against Goldberg in Spring Stampede and Slamboree. Two weeks before his match against Goldberg, Saturn lost to Hammer and was kicked out of the flock. But after that, Saturn was able to beat Jerry Flynn in the week leading up to his US Title shot. Somehow, none of these epic matches are on YouTube. Honestly, that's probably for the best.

1. The Giant - 18
Yep, the biggest jobber is also the world's biggest athlete. When I saw that The Giant was number one, I was surprised, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. He is bigger than everyone, so he should be this dominant force that can only lose by fluke, but instead his entire career has him going on massive losing streaks where he is asked to look like shit in order to build up other guys. He is the shit guy far more than the dominant force guy, so it doesn't even build up his opponent. The Giant should lose maybe three times in a year, but instead he managed to lose three matches to Goldberg on Nitros, all within a month. He just kept going out there and losing. It was near the end of The Giant's contract with WCW, so his most notable win in those last few months was either Disco Inferno or Raven in a no disqualification match. He also had a three week string of getting dominated by Goldberg at house shows, and those losses added up fast. In fact, they made him Goldberg's biggest jobber, both figuratively and literally.

Savio Vega Is Mr. In Your House

Shawn Michaels earned the moniker of Mr. WrestleMania as he put on a ton of legendary performances on the biggest stage of all. Now, I find it more than slightly debatable than The Hearbreak Kid is the true Mr. WrestleMania. Since I am a lifelong Hulkamaniac, I obviously put Hogan very high on the list, and Undertaker could definitely make a claim. Still, it got me thinking about who would be the guy known as the embodiment of other pay per views. After thinking about the impact that people had and what those PPVs meant, there was really only one clear choice to take that honor. And that is why Savio Vega is Mr. In Your House.

Think about it: In Your House is probably one of the worst PPVs that the WWE has ever had, and that sounds like I am demeaning Savio Vega. In a way, I am, but any PPV is better than no PPV, and although I was never a huge Savio Vega guy, it is better to have Savio Vega instead of nobody at all.

And don't get it twisted, this man made an impact at many of the In Your Houses. He debuted on it to help out Razor Ramon, and proceeded to personify a dark period in WWE history. Savio was a good guy, because the WWE decided you should cheer for him. He was an honorable dude, but he never really did anything. He was basically Rocky Maivia without the looks and charisma. He was the transitional WWE Superstar, to get people doing more important things, much like In Your House was a transitional PPV to get to something that was actually important.

He hung out with Santa Claus for In Your House 5, and Million Dollar Man tried to buy Savio, but Savio wouldn't let him, because of his belief in Santa Claus. Then Santa Claus attacked Savio, as he had been bought by Million Dollar Man. It turns out that it was actually Xanta Klaus, who is from the South Pole and steals presents. Xanta Claus lasted one other night, which is about the most In Your House thing possible.

If you think that was the end of his run against Million Dollar Man, you would be sorely mistaken. First, he lost to Stone Cold Steve Austin, but he vowed revenge in a Caribbean Strap Match. Ted DiBiase was so confident that he said he would retire if Savio won. Well, Mr. In Your House took it to Stone Cold and won the match to boot DiBiase over to WCW. Vega managed to do this a month before Stone Cold won the King of the Ring and began his ascension to superstardom. Stone Cold may have been great, but he was not Mr. In Your House.

Oh, and in one of the most In Your House things ever, he literally had the same feud with Justin "Hawk" Bradshaw that he did with Stone Cold in that Bradshaw won their first match, and then Vega beat him in a Caribbean Strap Match. Yes, Savio Vega could definitely be called, Mr. Caribbean Strap Match.

Instead, he became Mr. In Your House. A forgettable superstar matching a forgettable string of Pay Per Views. But In Your House was a Pay Per View, and Savio Vega was a WWE Superstar. Savio Vega embodies the importance of just making it there. His career may be forgettable for a WWE Superstar, but it is still more memorable than 99.9% of the general population. Mr. In Your House may not be Mr. WrestleMania, but it's still one hell of an impressive accomplishment.