CrossFit Defense Is For Stupid People Who Want To Get Their Asses Kicked

The other day my brother sent me a link to CrossFit Defense; he knew a fighting system this stupid would anger me, and sure enough, I was seething just looking at the link. Then, despite knowing it would be bad for me, I clicked on that link, went deeper into the page, clicked some more, watched an eight-minute video, all the while getting angrier and angrier the entire time. There was only thing I could do as the legitimate tough guy that I am: Beat this system down with a brutal blog.

So let me just say that there is a lot of hatred towards CrossFit online, and I'm not here for that. I think that if you have an exercise system that you enjoy and does not injure you, you should go for it. CrossFit fails on that second part quite a bit, but hey, if people keep coming back for more, I'm not going to stand in their way.

But CrossFit Defense is a bunch of bullshit. CrossFit isn't going to help you fight. It'll help you keep in shape (if you don't injure yourself), but you should only use that health to run away in a fighting situation. That should be the beginning and end of CrossFit Defense.

Unfortunately, it is not. Let's go to the website description to see what is CrossFit Defense:

CrossFitters train for the unknown and unknowable, but elite fitness does not guarantee personal safety. If CrossFit is the study of human movement, CrossFit Defense is the study of human movement as it relates to violence, fear and aggression. Athletes are taught close quarter skills and combines fun, dynamic, and effective drills that are extremely effective for anyone of any age who may have to defend themselves.

Could someone please explain to me how CrossFitters training for the unknown and unknowable? Like, is the unknown discovering what is the shittiest pullup imaginable. I also enjoy that they train "effective drills that are extremely effective." I want to give them a damn participation award for that phrasing.

On top of this, they have this image on their website:

Nobody fears fear. I'm not afraid of being afraid. I'm afraid of snakes, Greg Davis offenses, and being buried alive. Those are things that you can fear. I'm not afraid of one day discovering that I am afraid of something. Let's go to the video to take a deep dive into this ocean of shit.

This first gif appears to be some moron named Traver (what a CrossFit name) talking about something dumb, but the important part is going on in the background, because there's some amazing self-defense going on.

Little dude in the black shirt is practicing some top-notch self-defense. For what situation? Well, uh, I guess it's like if somebody tries to attack you by ballroom dancing with you without your permission, this is a way to keep distance. This self-defense technique is most commonly used by girls in high school at Proms where guys have boners, and the girls don't want them rubbing it on them during slow dances.

Now it's time to address one of the big problems that came up in their video, over and over again: Palm strikes. This system apparently only uses palm strikes, and that is an excellent sign that it is bullshit. Will a palm strike hurt? Yes, but you know what hurts more than a palm strike? A fucking fist. It's not that complicated. There's a reason you don't see guys in the UFC choosing to hit guys with their palms. So why doesn't Crossfit Defense use the far better fist method? Because you can't throw a fist at a medicine ball without hurting your hand, and if you had to wear gloves or wrap your hands, and at that point, you wouldn't be able to market it as a Crossfit class.

But at least they're showing good technique to generate power with those palm strikes? Well, yeah, as long as you keep your hips as stiff as possible and try to lunge into your strikes.

Also, any striking system that doesn't teach you to put your hands back to defend after striking is probably not going to be great for you. You can keep one hand out for distance, but when you keep out two, you're probably going to get your jaw jacked. Silver lining: When somebody uppercuts you off your feet, you can just say that you were setting your new record in highest box jump.

They then spoke about how fights are unpredictable so you need to train as if you are in a natural fighting stance. They then show getting in their natural stance.

Yep, totally natural.

Clearly CrossFit Defense has it all. It combines asinine technique with along with giving people enough confidence that they may be dumb enough to actually use it. Here's basically all of CrossFit Defense in one gif.

1. Don't strike to the chest in a fight.

2. Um, I don't know what he's trying to show in that choking clip except the choker has no idea how chokes work, so I guess if you're going to get attacked, hope that they try to do something they've never done before?

3. For some reason, half of this video shows how to defend against somebody who wraps their arms around your neck from the front. This never happens in a real fight, because there is no logic that would lead a person to attack that way. But it does lead to the most "Oh shit" moment of the video as, in, oh shit, a worthy technique. He's going after the dude's eyes. That is a really good strategy. But then of course he switches to a a weird forearm crossface instead which is not nearly as effective.  (Note: If you know nothing about fighting, just look up the mixed martial arts rules. If you do everything that is banned in MMA, you'll probably do alright, because the shit that is banned in MMA is dangerous and/or super effective).

So do not believe in CrossFit Defense. It will not help you. There's a good chance you get injured from CrossFit, and a 100% chance that it will not help you if you need to defend yourself. Would you like to find a good workout where you can learn how to defend yourself? They actually have that. It's called mixed martial arts. Here is the perfect tagline for CrossFit Defense: Run for your life; your shitty pullups won't save you.

How Can the Minnesota Vikings Replace Teddy Bridgewater?

Lukewarm Jonah is taking the reins today since his favorite team lost one of the best young QBs in the league.

Today the likelihood of a Minnesota Vikings championship run took a big hit when Teddy Bridgewater went down with a freak, terrible injury.  I know Joe is no Vikings fan, but he is a Teddy Bridgewater fan.  Though the news today was terrible, the regular season is rapidly approaching.  The Vikings have Shaun Hill healthy and that’s about it.  Second year quarterback Taylor Heinicke looked great last preseason, but is also injured.  It’s clear that the Vikings need to find a quarterback, but the question is who?  I’ve got a few suggestions that aren’t being talked about that I hope the Vikings listen to.

Zach Mettenberger may be their best option, so I’m going to lead this list off with him.  I’m a little confused why no one wants a third year quarterback who played average football on a terrible team during his rookie year.  He played a little below average last year, still on a terrible team.  I watched plenty of his games as a pro and saw plenty of potential.  The fact that this guy got cut is baffling to me.  Anyways, you have a young quarterback with starting experience and some upside.  Maybe the biggest positive to Mettenberger is that he’s a free agent.  He doesn’t cost a draft pick, just a roster spot and a pretty cheap contract.

Next up is a favorite of Joe and myself, Matt Barkley.  He’s the current 3rd string quarterback for the Arizona Cardinals.  He was acquired from the Eagles for a 7th round pick, so giving a 6th rounder for him seems like a price that Arizona would be happy to receive.  This is another guy that I’m confused by the lack of opportunities he’s got.  He went from assumed number one overall pick to fourth rounder who couldn’t find any playing time, even with all the terrible quarterbacks who seem to find constant work.  He’s a guy with a high ceiling, and I’d happily trade a 6th rounder for him.

Let’s look out east for a couple of quarterbacks from the mighty Philadelphia Eagles.  That’s right a couple.  Chase Daniel is the obvious target.  A guy who by all reports was the best quarterback on a couple of teams he’s been on.  Many people wanted to see him play when he was in Kansas City, and if he stays in Philadelphia I would bet a large amount of money he starts at least one game this year due to talent alone.  However, the Eagles have Sam Bradford as their starter and Carson Wentz as their future quarterback so do they really need Daniel?  So who’s the other quarterback on the Eagles I mentioned?  None other than Mcleod Bethel-Thompson.  Who you ask?  Current Eagles fourth string quarterback, likely to be a free agent very soon, Bethel-Thompson had two runs with the Vikings and showed glimpses of greatness, even though it was in the preseason.  He’ll be a free signing that can back up Shaun Hill and potentially come in and spark the offense if Hill struggles.

I can’t finish the article without mentioning my personal hero Nathan Enderle.  6’4” 240 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal, if he’s signed the Vikings will finally win that ever elusive Super Bowl.  Really though, I wish he actually got a chance in the NFL because he’s got a big arm, he’s accurate, and he’s used to moving around in the pocket and avoiding pressure.  The only good part about him not playing is he would have started for the Bears and led them to way too much success.

Someone else who must be mentioned is Joe’s personal hero, the anti Colin Kaepernick, Mr. America Ricky Stanzi.  He’s available, loves America, and was a successful quarterback at the University of Iowa.  I’ll have to defer to Joe for any real insight into Ricky Stanzi (Joe's insight: He seems like a really good dude. That probably doesn't make him a great option at QB, but I'd definitely let him watch my dog), but he can play on the Vikings as long as he comes out to Real American.

The Saga of the Jaime Garcia Trade

Jaime Garcia is one of the most interesting players in baseball. He somehow inspires very strong opinions, despite there not being much to base these strong opinions on. All of the Cardinals fans I know LOVE him to a point that is completely unreasonable. Like, yeah, they'd rather keep Wainwright than Garcia, but they'd have to think about it. He is this player who can flash something special, but has never done it for very long, and, oh yeah, he hasn't had a healthy season since 2011.

I am not a Cardinals fan. In fact, I believe, like most of the sane universe that Cardinals fans are the absolute worse fans in all of baseball (they are tied for last with the other 29 teams, because all fans are the same; they are all equally the worst), but Jaime still has a special place in my heart. Last year, I was able to take advantage of a Cardinals fan's irrational love for Garcia. I offered him Garcia for Pablo Sandoval since my 3B situation was a little shaky. He said he still needed to get a third baseman, so I used my knowledge of his Cardinals fandom, picked up David Freese, paired him with Garcia to get the Kung-Fu Panda. Freese struggled all year, and Garcia got hurt a couple weeks later. Meanwhile, Sandoval started crushing the ball right after I acquired him and helped me get a second place finish last year.

With those memories in my head, I kept track of Garcia's rehab progress and picked him up before his first start. He did not disappoint, as he had maybe his best stretch of pitching in his career to start out his season this year. After four starts, I decided it was time to sell, as I know Garcia, and he is a ticking time bomb ready to explode at any moment.

Since he was a top-10 pitcher since coming off the disabled list, I thought I should aim high. After numerous people told me to go fuck myself for my trade offers, I knew it was time to slightly lower my sights in a trade return. I talked to another Cardinals fan in the league about a straight swap of Garcia for Gio Gonzalez. He said he was interested, but he thought he was going to get a fourth round basketball pick for him, but if that fell through, he would make the trade with me.

I waited patiently, as I didn't think there was a chance he was going to get that sort of haul for Gio, and Garcia continued to dominate, so everything was looking good. Unfortunately, his team was hit by a string of injuries, and now he was looking for outfielders in any trade he made. I assured him that Garcia could play outfield at any moment, but he was unconvinced, and it was time to move on.

Right before his seventh start, I offered him up for Yasmani Grandal and a fifth round pick in a sport of his choosing. The guy accepted, but when I asked him which sport he wanted to trade the pick in, he said he didn't actually read the trade proposal and just thought it was a straight up swap of players. Now, I secretly love Yasmani Grandal, but I don't need him, so I was just hoping to get him as a throw in on the deal. But the guy had no interest in trading a pick, so all he did was waste my time on that trade offer since he doesn't know how to read.

Still, I was working the lines after his seventh start and was close to getting a fifth rounder from someone else, but they wanted an eighth rounder in return. Not ideal, but it was a solid bump up in the basketball draft, so it was worth it. The deal was good to go, but there was a slight groin issue from Garcia that my trade partner wanted to wait on. I had no worries, as he had only given up one run in his last three starts, so there were no signs of a decline.

Every morning, I waited to see the news that he would make his next start. Nothing. I started checking nights and mornings. Nothing. Finally, it was said that his next start would be delayed. Then he got totally skipped in the rotation.

The trade was off at this point, but I kept checking. He got pushed back yet again, but would not hit the disabled list with his groin injury. Then, finally, I saw this come across the news wire:

Jaime Garcia (shoulder) has been placed on the 15-day disabled list.

God damnit. A shoulder injury? There are only two possible explanations. Either they massaged his groin so hard he threw out his shoulder, or he kept saying his shoulder was sore, but the pervy Cardinals trainer just wanted to massage groins all day and convinced him that it would help. I'm leaning towards the latter, and I fully believe that a simple ice pack for his shoulder after his last start would have kept him healthy.

And by healthy, I mean healthy enough for me to trade him, as he probably had a maximum of three starts left in him before his body caved in like it does every year.

So I've got Jaime Garcia chilling on my disabled list for who knows how long. Anybody want to trade for him?

My Weird Obsession With Marcus Stroman

As I get older, I find myself becoming less of a sports fan. It just doesn't mean quite as much as it used to mean to me. When my team loses, they lose; it's not the end of my world, and that is what works for me. If you still live and die with your sports teams, that's awesome for you; I definitely come close when it comes to Iowa Wrestling, so I totally get it.

Nowhere is this more evident in picking a favorite player. It's not like any player is going to be my hero, or I will ever see them as unflappable. Even as a kid, this would be tougher as Twitter has given people a fuller picture of who an athlete is, or at least who he is for the general public. So instead of looking for larger than life heroes, I look toward the fringes. The guys who aren't otherworldly overall, but have one quality that make me say wow. Right now, my favorite hitters are Travis Snider, who I still totally believe in, and Chris Carter, because he hits the ball really hard, and that is really cool, even if he does strike out a ton along with that.

But my favorite pitcher is Marcus Stroman. He's way better than Travis Snider and has great potential to be a better player than Chris Carter, so it's not like I'm going out on a limb with him, but as for relating to players, this is the guy I get. He, like me, is a smaller guy. I'm 5'9" and Stroman is right around there as well. Our similarities mostly end there, as anyone who has ever seen me throw can attest. But still, Marcus Stroman represents the little guys, and that is why he is my guy.

That's why I was so bummed to hear he tore his ACL in a fielding drill. That story is just dumb. It's so stupid that he won't pitch this year because of a fluke injury. It's not anybody's fault, but it still sucks. Selfishly, I really wanted to draft Stroman this year, because I thought he was poised for a huge breakout year where he challenged for the Cy Young. I usually pick out one guy that I must have, and he was my guy this year. I usually write a recap of my fantasy drafts, and I was so obsessed with Stroman that I had already written the following paragraph in anticipation of drafting him.

He is the crown jewel for me. I want him more than any single player in this draft. Now, I could draft him in the first round, but I feel like that might slightly depress his value, so it is a matter of waiting. I am in a 12-team league, and I was eyeing him in the 11th round at pick 121. He was ranked around 160, so this seems safe enough, but I was terrified for a month going into my draft.

I refused to confirm that I had drafted him, as I thought that may jinx it. But it appears the above paragraph was enough to still do the job.

Now my fantasy draft means nothing in the grand scheme of things. I just really like Marcus Stroman as a player. Anybody who gets underrated because of their lack of size will always have a special place in my heart. And as Stroman says, HDMH, Height Doesn't Measure Heart. I can't wait to see what he does in 2016.