How To Defend Against Two Guns

You ever find yourself where somebody takes you from behind and puts a gun to your head? It's probably not a big deal as it is fairly easy to handle one gunman, even if they are behind you. Any idiot can get out of that situation. BUT what if there is a second gunman who has a gun pointed at your belly. Well, shoot, that puts you in quite a pickle. But fear not, as you are about to learn how to handle these two assailants without breaking a sweat.

Two guns? It's not a problem #dumbassmartialarts #bullshit #guns #twoguns #wtf #selfdefense #realshit #lol #shot #shotgun pic.twitter.com/yfU0nORqYc

— Dumbass Martial Arts (@DumbassMA) February 7, 2018

So easy. Just smack the gun behind you into the man's shoulder blade. For some reason, he is going to shoot his gun into his own shoulder which will harm him, and you will be completely fine despite an explosion happening about six inches from your face. Also, before we move onto the second assailant, can I just say that I do not want to be assailant number one in this situation? That front bullet would tear through the woman and take out the guy behind her. This is not an effective kidnapping strategy.

Guy number two is my favorite part. You just push his hand forward, and all of a sudden, he is going to find his gun pointed at his friend's dick. Since it is very gay to shoot your friend's dick, this will cause him an existential crisis where he will freeze up and have no idea what to do.

While he is contemplating his own sexuality, it will be easy to disarm this man.

I know having two guns may seem like an insurmountable situation, but people forget that guns are like quarterbacks: If you have two, you really don't have one.

How To Stop a Knife With Your Dick

Guys, even I'm having trouble fathoming the expertise it takes to pull off this move.

For a normal person, this is incredibly dangerous. If your penis is not trained, then it is unlikely that the penis will be able to grab onto a knife without causing great harm to your body. I hate to break it to you, but if you are not grabbing things with your dick, you are a penis pretender. The man above is not a penis pretender, and neither is this man.

If you can't lock somebody in an armbar and flip them using nothing but your penis, you probably shouldn't try stopping knives with your genitalia.

But what about the ladies? They're penis is an innie instead of an outtie. Although this trick is tough for the fellas, ladies could likely stop multiple knife attacks by attaching themselves to the knife and ripping it from the attacker. As the old saying goes, "Don't bring a knife to a gun fight...because some lady will steal your knife with her vagina."

How To Stop A Knife Attack...With Your Butt

There are many defenses against a knife. Most rely on lightning quick handwork that will disarm the assailant. But not everyone is born with lightning quick hands. But they are blessed with a little something called a badonkadonk. And if you happen to be one of those people, then you are in luck.

You may think that jamming your body into a knife is a great way to get sodomized by a knife, but that's the worst case scenario. Much, MUCH more likely is that they have the blade parallel to your body so you have nothing to fear. You could easily disarm someone just by twerking the blunt side of the blade right out of their hand. At that point, the only blunt object you have to worry about is the boner in their pants as your assailant will inevitably fall in love with you.

How To Defend A Sword Attack

You ever find yourself approached by someone with a sword? It's something that I run into nearly every day. Sometimes, I do not have my katana nearby, so what should I do? Well, you can always use nature as your weapon. A nearby tree trunk should suffice, especially if you have rope nearby.

That moment when you accidentally took a trunk of a tree with you #dumbassmartialarts #bullshit #fake #lol #tree #shit #wtf pic.twitter.com/LXj3sJK1Pq

— Dumbass Martial Arts (@DumbassMA) December 8, 2017

Just make sure you are barely out of reach of the sword, and make him promise not to move if he misses his first sword swing. As long as he stands perfectly still, which he definitely will, you can knock him over the head with your tree trunk at an incredibly slow speed. Even if he still holds on to his sword, just gently place your tree trunk no top of your assailant, and he will be unable to move to cause any harm.

If you're anything like me, you are always carrying around tree trunks in your everyday life. I never thought to use it as a weapon, but it's absolutely amazing what can be turned into a weapon these days. No need to fear sword attacks as long as you have nature and knowledge on your side.

What To Do When You Get Mugged On A Date

You ever find yourself, collar popped, going on a walk with your special lady? You ever get harrassed a bit? Well, even if they grab your girl and threaten you with a knife, it's easy to just relax and disarm these assailants.

Why to train if it is possible to do this? #dumbassmartialarts #bullshit #kravmaga #streetfight #selfdefense #gun #knife #rip #wtf #lol pic.twitter.com/rhvR14cYud

— Dumbass Martial Arts (@DumbassMA) February 10, 2018

Just take the knife away, and make sure that your woman can flip her attacker. The family that fights together stays together. But the best part is that a third guy runs in with a gun so the guy will drop the knife. If you have a gun and you want someone to drop a knife, I can think of one way that might be more effective, but maybe that's just me.

I also cannot get over how popped that guy's collar is. It is simply too popped. But he's for sure going to try to talk her into butt stuff tonight. Considering she also flipped a guy, maybe she'll talk him into butt stuff as well. #SexPositive

CrossFit Defense Is For Stupid People Who Want To Get Their Asses Kicked

The other day my brother sent me a link to CrossFit Defense; he knew a fighting system this stupid would anger me, and sure enough, I was seething just looking at the link. Then, despite knowing it would be bad for me, I clicked on that link, went deeper into the page, clicked some more, watched an eight-minute video, all the while getting angrier and angrier the entire time. There was only thing I could do as the legitimate tough guy that I am: Beat this system down with a brutal blog.

So let me just say that there is a lot of hatred towards CrossFit online, and I'm not here for that. I think that if you have an exercise system that you enjoy and does not injure you, you should go for it. CrossFit fails on that second part quite a bit, but hey, if people keep coming back for more, I'm not going to stand in their way.

But CrossFit Defense is a bunch of bullshit. CrossFit isn't going to help you fight. It'll help you keep in shape (if you don't injure yourself), but you should only use that health to run away in a fighting situation. That should be the beginning and end of CrossFit Defense.

Unfortunately, it is not. Let's go to the website description to see what is CrossFit Defense:

CrossFitters train for the unknown and unknowable, but elite fitness does not guarantee personal safety. If CrossFit is the study of human movement, CrossFit Defense is the study of human movement as it relates to violence, fear and aggression. Athletes are taught close quarter skills and combines fun, dynamic, and effective drills that are extremely effective for anyone of any age who may have to defend themselves.

Could someone please explain to me how CrossFitters training for the unknown and unknowable? Like, is the unknown discovering what is the shittiest pullup imaginable. I also enjoy that they train "effective drills that are extremely effective." I want to give them a damn participation award for that phrasing.

On top of this, they have this image on their website:

Nobody fears fear. I'm not afraid of being afraid. I'm afraid of snakes, Greg Davis offenses, and being buried alive. Those are things that you can fear. I'm not afraid of one day discovering that I am afraid of something. Let's go to the video to take a deep dive into this ocean of shit.

This first gif appears to be some moron named Traver (what a CrossFit name) talking about something dumb, but the important part is going on in the background, because there's some amazing self-defense going on.

Little dude in the black shirt is practicing some top-notch self-defense. For what situation? Well, uh, I guess it's like if somebody tries to attack you by ballroom dancing with you without your permission, this is a way to keep distance. This self-defense technique is most commonly used by girls in high school at Proms where guys have boners, and the girls don't want them rubbing it on them during slow dances.

Now it's time to address one of the big problems that came up in their video, over and over again: Palm strikes. This system apparently only uses palm strikes, and that is an excellent sign that it is bullshit. Will a palm strike hurt? Yes, but you know what hurts more than a palm strike? A fucking fist. It's not that complicated. There's a reason you don't see guys in the UFC choosing to hit guys with their palms. So why doesn't Crossfit Defense use the far better fist method? Because you can't throw a fist at a medicine ball without hurting your hand, and if you had to wear gloves or wrap your hands, and at that point, you wouldn't be able to market it as a Crossfit class.

But at least they're showing good technique to generate power with those palm strikes? Well, yeah, as long as you keep your hips as stiff as possible and try to lunge into your strikes.

Also, any striking system that doesn't teach you to put your hands back to defend after striking is probably not going to be great for you. You can keep one hand out for distance, but when you keep out two, you're probably going to get your jaw jacked. Silver lining: When somebody uppercuts you off your feet, you can just say that you were setting your new record in highest box jump.

They then spoke about how fights are unpredictable so you need to train as if you are in a natural fighting stance. They then show getting in their natural stance.

Yep, totally natural.

Clearly CrossFit Defense has it all. It combines asinine technique with along with giving people enough confidence that they may be dumb enough to actually use it. Here's basically all of CrossFit Defense in one gif.

1. Don't strike to the chest in a fight.

2. Um, I don't know what he's trying to show in that choking clip except the choker has no idea how chokes work, so I guess if you're going to get attacked, hope that they try to do something they've never done before?

3. For some reason, half of this video shows how to defend against somebody who wraps their arms around your neck from the front. This never happens in a real fight, because there is no logic that would lead a person to attack that way. But it does lead to the most "Oh shit" moment of the video as, in, oh shit, a worthy technique. He's going after the dude's eyes. That is a really good strategy. But then of course he switches to a a weird forearm crossface instead which is not nearly as effective.  (Note: If you know nothing about fighting, just look up the mixed martial arts rules. If you do everything that is banned in MMA, you'll probably do alright, because the shit that is banned in MMA is dangerous and/or super effective).

So do not believe in CrossFit Defense. It will not help you. There's a good chance you get injured from CrossFit, and a 100% chance that it will not help you if you need to defend yourself. Would you like to find a good workout where you can learn how to defend yourself? They actually have that. It's called mixed martial arts. Here is the perfect tagline for CrossFit Defense: Run for your life; your shitty pullups won't save you.