Somebody Taco Bell Taco'd My Car

Okay, I get it. Somebody out there is mad that I haven't posted anything for two weeks, and for that, I apologize. But here is your post, and I promise to do my best to never have a writing hiatus like this again.

I live in an area where five cities like to believe they are more or less equal. They all have their charms and advantages and disadvantages. But if this were an episode of Parks and Recreation, there would be four Pawnees, while I live in Eagleton. It's classy as caviar.

With that being said, I was shocked to see what had happened to my car when I went to go to work this morning. I get out there, and it looks like someone shit all over my backseat driver's side window. After taking a closer inspection and a sniff, I was relieved to find out that it was not shit. I looked to my left and saw a broken taco shell near my front tire. I looked back on the window and instantly knew. Someone had not just thrown a taco at my car, they had thrown a Taco Bell taco at my car. I'd know that meat anywhere.

At first, I was upset. I mean, who would dare desecrate a beautiful vehicle like my 1998 Ford Escort. Do people have no respect for classic cars anymore? But then, I just had to laugh. My neighborhood is so classy that they don't go around egging cars or TPing houses, they go to Taco Bell, probably buy a big box of tacos, and terrorize the neighborhood by throwing them at the nicest cars they can find.

So I am sorry about the long hiatus. I'm not mad at the culprits, I'm just mad they didn't put hot sauce on it first, because Taco Bell sauce is what turns it from car grenades into delicious, delicious food.

It's The Shit: Three Keys to a Successful Poop

Sorry Michael Jordan and Sam Perkins.  Today, We're Talking About Number Two.

 

Although I am a very spry 26 years young; I am wise beyond my years.  That is why I know the ins and outs of something that people overlook yet do at least once a day (twice a day for me since I have a healthy amount of fiber in my diet).  Yes, pooping.  It has a lot of gross connotations, but it's something natural, and as you'll find out, if done properly, it can be a beautiful experience.  Here are the keys to turning your experience from shitty to asstastic.

1.  Location -  Now most people would have you believe that going home is clearly the best possible location to take care of your business.  These are obviously simpletons who can't see the big picture.  Does your home have some advantages?  Of course it does, familiarity will always have value when you are feeling vulnerable.  But for those who are bold, that live their life a quarter mile at a time, there is a far better location to drop a deuce.  That place is work.  Think about this:  When you poop during work, you are getting paid to poop.  Paid to poop?  God Bless America.  So sit back, relax, and count that scrilla, because it's always best to take care of your business during business hours.

2.  Amenities - This is a huge mistake that most people make when taking a dump.  They go to the bathroom empty handed.  When I took care of my business at work, I made no secret about it.  I would stroll through the office with a book in my hand and my iPod bumping tunes in my ears as I headed to the private toilet of the visiting coaching staff (yes, Ryne Sandberg and I have used the same shitter).  I was not ashamed of what I was doing, and I knew that amenities can help take your poop to the next level.  Why sit there, drop waste, while your life wastes away when you can seize the day?  I seized it real good.  I would jam out to my favorite tunes and knock out a chapter of whatever book I was reading at the time.  A few years ago, I remember returning home for the first time in months and being ecstatic at my Dad's latest construction project.  He had mounted a TV by the toilet so you'd never have to miss a moment of your favorite show or sporting event while you went to the can.  That's great hustle right there.  So, whatever your vice is, whether it's music, books, or TV, bring it with you when you doodoo.  But I must warn everyone, your ass will occasionally go numb if you sit there too long.  It's a small price to pay when you pimp your poop.

3.  Toilet Paper - Somehow a necessity for number two is often overlooked, but do not underestimate its importance.  Good toilet paper is like oral sex.  Sure, at first, any toilet paper will do, you're just happy to have it there.  But then you use Charmin Ultra, and it is a whole new experience.  You honestly sit there and hope that it never ends, maybe even using techniques to prolong the experience.  After that, well, the rough toilet paper just doesn't do it for you anymore.  You go from appreciating it to loathing it.  When I see that economy sized, thin and rough, sorry excuse for toilet paper, I swallow hard, and yes, I use it, but something that should be pleasant can actually be painful.  It's terrible that something that should feel so right can go so wrong.  So remember, soft and gentle is much better than rough and teethy.

So make sure that your pooping experience is the shit; otherwise, you're just a piece of it.

-Joe

P.S.  I'm sure some of you nerds were probably out drinking on Saturday night.  Me?  Hell no, I was watching fights, football, and most importantly, the Bulls/Rockets game.  For those that didn't see it, here is the end of regulation from that game:

And yes, the Bulls won in overtime.  Derrick Rose is really good at basketball.