Hulk Hogan's Worst Insult

[Editor's Note: I originally wrote this before Hulk Hogan went all KKK on the world, so consider this the non-racist title of Hogan's worst insult.]

When Hulk Hogan joined the nWo, it was one of the most memorable moments in professional history. The purest babyface in wrestling history had gone heel and no longer cared about his Hulkamaniacs. He had gone Hollywood.

History often looks at Hogan as a great heel, because he was so hated. He actually did do a good job of wrestling as a heel, but this may have been that he already did a lot of heelish things in wrestling matches, but it was allowed, because he was Hulk Hogan. But when it comes to talking, Hulk Hogan may have been the worst heel in history.

You see, Hogan didn't quite understand insults or how to think on his feet. The latter has been made abundantly clear as time has gone on, as his in-ring promos are often repetitive and never seem to actually get to any sort of point. There is no greater example of this than when Hogan was getting set to fight Ric Flair at Clash of the Champions, and to help build the match, he came up with the ultimate insult.

He announced that he was no longer going to call Ric Flair by his name. Instead, he decided to demean Flair, and would only refer to him as, and brace yourself for this because it's a doozy, Hogan was going to call Flair, "The Stupid Little Man."

The Stupid Little Man.

The...Stupid...Little...Man.

Yep, that was his master insult. He really never figured out how the heel persona, but it's Hulk Hogan, and that's all that matters. If the man wants us to cheer, we will cheer. If he wants us to boo, we will boo, because for better or for worse, we are all Hulkamaniacs, and you're a stupid little man if you disagree.

Hulk Hogan Was Actually A Great Wrestler

Hulk Hogan is seen by most as one of, if not the single greatest professional wrestler of all time. He truly changed the game and helped pro wrestling get mainstream acceptance. Sports Illustrated covers, movies, appearances on all the daytime and late night talk shows, none of those things were happening without Hulk Hogan's larger than life physical appearance and personality.

Despite all of that, it is commonly accepted that Hulk Hogan was terrible in the ring. It is fairly easy to dismiss Hulk Hogan's in ring ability, as he has a limited moveset, and the power of Hulkamania is based off of irrationally being able to bounce back from anything to become invincible late in a match. The other thing that kills him is that Hulk Hogan kept wrestling far longer than he should have, and his performance in the ring got worse and worse as the years wore on. Even early WCW Hogan wasn't nearly as good as WWF Hogan, and he had another run in WWE that was especially bad.

Recognizing all of that, Hulk Hogan wasn't bad in the ring; in fact, he was pretty great. Hulk Hogan may have not had a lot of moves, but he knew how to get the most out of the moves that he did. Everything Hogan did in the ring was oozing with charisma. His atomic drop seemed to break asses. His big boot was enough to put down any opponent. Nobody made a bodyslam feel bigger than Hogan, and it is not even close. Also, his early era legdrop was as good as it gets as he was actually young and athletic enough to jump instead of just drop. When he Hulked up, it gave fans chills; I know it gave me chills, and that matters.

Also, Hulk Hogan's matches are still rewatchable. Hogan vs. Andre, Hogan vs. Savage, and Hogan vs. Warrior are matches that I can watch 25 years later, and I'll still be able to watch and enjoy 50 years later. Wrestling is not just about doing flips and doing amazing physical things, it is also about the delivery, and Hogan's Hulk Up was delivered perfectly to get the maximum response from anyone watching. It may not be flashy, but it is an essential part of being an effective in ring performer.

My only big issue with him is that he would always put his feet straight up in the air right when someone started their pin which telegraphed that he was going to kick out. Had he not done that, it would have added to the drama, but showing vulnerability was never Hulk's strength, and give the man credit; he played to his strengths. On a smaller scale, Hogan had the worst chair shots in the history of wrestling.

And remember how I said those late WWE years for Hogan were especially bad. That is totally true, and yet one of my favorite matches with Hogan was his match against The Rock at WrestleMania 18. The Rock was supposed to be the good guy; Hogan was supposed to be the bad guy, but by sheer force of personality, the crowd decided that Hogan was their guy. Even though he was physically well past his prime, he still got the absolute most out of himself to put on an amazing match for the fans.

If that's not great pro wrestling, I don't know what is.

A True Love Story - How To Find The Perfect Thoroughbred Dimepiece

When it comes to picking up women, I have a problem.  Oh no, not an actual problem getting women, as I have demonstrated my prowess with women here, here, and here.  There are many great temporary ladies out there, but it is extremely difficult to find a long-term lady that can live up to my standards and satisfy my needs.  

Now it's plain as day that I am a good great looking guy.  Blind chicks can see that.  But the problem that I have is that society has set up regulations to make me hide my amazing body.  As great as my face is, my body is at least on the same level, and may even have a slight edge.  Trust me, whatever you're picturing right now, it's better.  Every morning, I thank the good lord when I look in the mirror and have the privilege to see excellence personified. 

Although I can't completely confirm this story, I do believe that one lady lucky enough to lay with me stared a little too long and her face began to melt like I was the Arc of the Covenant.  I was drunk, and the room was spinning, but I am 30% sure this happened.

But you get the point.  When I pop my shirt off, I am on another level of great looking human beings.  Trying to find a girl who can actually be on my level, both mentally and physically, is a Herculean task.  But note how I mentioned the mental part.  Luckily, I have brains to go with this incredible body, and because of that, I have come up with a flawless plan to find the perfect thoroughbred dimepiece.  

My big issue is that I need a place where I can show off my bodacious bod.  But I can't just go to some beach, because it will be filled with classless sluts.  I need to find myself a classy lady.  So here's my idea:  Beach Wedding.  You get a beautiful beach wedding, hotties all over the place, make sure there's plenty of booze, and let the good times roll.

But how am I going to con one of my buddies into having a beach wedding?  I'll admit, convincing a buddy to turn his wedding day into a meat market would be a hard sell, even for me.  Plus, there would be no guarantee that any of them could load it up with enough thoroughbred dimepieces for my satisfaction.  This is where the genius of my plan really begins to shine through, because this beach wedding will actually be my wedding.  Let's break it down.

STEP 1 - Find A Bride

Before I do anything else, I need to find a bride.  I can't just marry any old lady and have a beach wedding with her for the sole purpose of showing off my body.  The plan depends on me finding a certifiable hottie for this.  I need an intelligent gal for this plan, so ideally, I'll find a girl with the looks of Jessica Alba and the brains of Albert Einstein, only hotter and smarter.  

Although I am usually against it, I will be completely honest with this girl about my plan.  This beach wedding will be mutually beneficial as it doesn't just give me a chance to show off my goods, but also will give my bride a chance to show off hers.  She may reason that she could show off her stuff by wearing a skimpy outfit to the club.  But when girls go skimpy at the clubs, they do not attract quality men like myself, they attract brutes and morons.  If we have a wedding, her and her hottie friends will be able to show off their stuff while maintaining a classy image and land a classy guy.

STEP 2 - Scout For Talent
This plan only works with two charismatic personalities.  I will be in charge of supplying this wedding with good looking eligible bachelors, and she will be in charge of finding an plethora of hotties looking for a good time.  We get as many attractive people as possible so the options are out of control.  Combining our efforts, we should be able to create the world's sexiest wedding. 

STEP 3 - Wedding Day

As many of you know, I am kind of a wedding expert.  We get the wedding done as quickly as possible, because this reception will be the party of the century.  My bride looks great, I look amazing, and everybody's focus is right where it should be, on us.  Let's face it, ladies love married dudes, and combined with my being shirtless, it will be plain for all the ladies to see that I am the quintessential male. 

To make this look legit, we will go through all the steps to make it like a real marriage, even stuffing the cake in each other’s faces.  This is where things get interesting.  Pretty soon, my bride and I are feeling pretty buzzed.  We're laughing and making jokes about being married until I casually drop a line about how we should check out the Honeymoon Suite.  She agrees, and once we make it up there, I make vigorous love on her.  When she finds out what a durable lover I am, she’ll realize I am the embodiment of perfection.  

You see, my plan was never so simple that I was just going to get intoxicated and make love on whatever women tickled my fancy.  I found the right woman right away, and I never had to wine and dine her, because we skipped right to the wedding.  I may be superficial, but I figure she’ll do for the next ten years, you know, until she starts showing the signs of aging.  Then it'll be time for her to hit the curb.  Tough break for her, but even after those ten years, I’ll still be a ripped machine, so I can easily repeat the process.   

Now that’s a true love story.

-Joe

P.S.  Yes, I realize this idea could be turned into a romantic comedy.

P.P.S.  Dave Bing may be the most polite mayor in the USA, but I really hope he changes his stance on this issue:

@mayordavebing Mayor Dave Bing

@MT There are not any plans to erect a statue to Robocop. Thank you for the suggestion.