Me And You Can't Date

There is nothing I love more than the people of Twitter. They are so amazingly stupid that they never cease to bring a smile to my face. A brilliant hashtag happened on Twitter last night. It was titled #MeAndYouCantDate. It is brilliant not only in its horrible assault on the English language, but also because it was an absolute goldmine for material.

MogulTweetz Charles Wolford III 

If at any point I feel myself giving you the position in my life that belongs to God. #MeAndYouCantDate #NoFalseIdols

This one made me laugh way too hard, because Charles Wolford III is being serious. He is literally setting his sights on a girl that he only likes a little bit. If he loves her, she might take God's spot, and if he thinks a girl is really amazing, he's going to have to give her the boot. This is one of those religious freaks that doesn't love Jesus, he's IN love with Jesus. Remember Charles, no false idols, and no, Jesus does not reside in your right hand.

JussArniie Arniie` 

#MeAndYouCantDate If I dress better then you, I`m just saying

I put this one in as a brain teaser, because Amile refuses to date people who dress worse than her, but what if everyone had this rule? Nobody could date anyone. If you dressed better than a person, you wouldn't date them, but if you found someone who dressed better than you, they'd never date you. I'm just saying.

Prettyboyynonso Nonso Emmanuel 

#MeAndYouCantDate if i heard you had STDS ...because most likely rumors are true!!

What is STDS? Is it like PTSD? because if so, that's kind of fucked up, Nonso Emmanuel. I mean, yeah, I might have trouble dating a girl who dove under the table anytime she heard a firecracker. I certainly wouldn't eliminate them from contention altogether. I'd hate to miss out on a thoroughbred dimepiece just because she doesn't want to get shot. Honestly, I don't want to get shot either. I am curious what he means about the rumors though. Are people with PTSD terrible in bed, or are they freaky as shit? I'll assume they get freak nasty. And now, instead of being scared, I'm actually going to start exclusively pursuing thoroughbred dimepieces with PTSD or as he likes to call it STDS. Bow Chicka Wow Wow.

itslovatoswag p i c k l e ! 

#MeAndYouCantDate because you're not Demi Lovato and she's the one for me. <3

These are the type of people that terrify me. I have a lot of celebrity crushes, but I am not eliminating all other women from my life for them. I am an incredibly arrogant person, so it's not at all that I think my celebrity crushes are out of my league. I am fully convinced that if I ran into Trish Stratus, Jessica Alba, or Brittany Snow, I could bed them. There's no doubt in my mind. Why wouldn't they want to have sex with me? But even after I make vigorous love on them, there probably won't be enough common interests to facilitate a relationship. This guy is swearing off all women so he can get with Demi Lovato. That's creepy as shit and horribly pathetic. I'm also pretty sure that this isn't the first celebrity he has stalked, unless his real name actually is "Pickle!", but I'm guessing it's not.

beckyYDG silly wanker. ⚓ 

#meandyoucantdate if you like blood on the dance floor.

Wait, what? I don't know what this means, but my mind is working at warp speed trying to figure out a way to get blood on the dance floor to maximize the fierceness of my West Coast Dance moves. If anybody likes blood on the dance floor, let me know. I'm curious how you work that into your moves. This could be the greatest contribution to dance moves since glo-vests.

Philip_W_Thomas Philip W Thomas 

#MeAndYouCantDate If YOU open your legs and tuna fish comes out

Philip, this is your 40 year old virgin moment. You basically just said that her boob felt like a bag of sand. I'm 110% sure that you have never been with a woman. When people talk about tuna fish and a woman's vagina, it doesn't mean that there are actually tuna swimming up in the woman's vagina, it's just a similar smell for some women. You can open up every girl's legs on the planet, and you really don't need to worry about tuna coming to attack your face.

Without the fear of Charlie the Tuna coming to attack you, I'm sure that you'll be reeling the ladies in.

-Joe

P.S. This is a little late, but Braves Acceptance guy makes me laugh every time I look at him.

A True Love Story - How To Find The Perfect Thoroughbred Dimepiece

When it comes to picking up women, I have a problem.  Oh no, not an actual problem getting women, as I have demonstrated my prowess with women here, here, and here.  There are many great temporary ladies out there, but it is extremely difficult to find a long-term lady that can live up to my standards and satisfy my needs.  

Now it's plain as day that I am a good great looking guy.  Blind chicks can see that.  But the problem that I have is that society has set up regulations to make me hide my amazing body.  As great as my face is, my body is at least on the same level, and may even have a slight edge.  Trust me, whatever you're picturing right now, it's better.  Every morning, I thank the good lord when I look in the mirror and have the privilege to see excellence personified. 

Although I can't completely confirm this story, I do believe that one lady lucky enough to lay with me stared a little too long and her face began to melt like I was the Arc of the Covenant.  I was drunk, and the room was spinning, but I am 30% sure this happened.

But you get the point.  When I pop my shirt off, I am on another level of great looking human beings.  Trying to find a girl who can actually be on my level, both mentally and physically, is a Herculean task.  But note how I mentioned the mental part.  Luckily, I have brains to go with this incredible body, and because of that, I have come up with a flawless plan to find the perfect thoroughbred dimepiece.  

My big issue is that I need a place where I can show off my bodacious bod.  But I can't just go to some beach, because it will be filled with classless sluts.  I need to find myself a classy lady.  So here's my idea:  Beach Wedding.  You get a beautiful beach wedding, hotties all over the place, make sure there's plenty of booze, and let the good times roll.

But how am I going to con one of my buddies into having a beach wedding?  I'll admit, convincing a buddy to turn his wedding day into a meat market would be a hard sell, even for me.  Plus, there would be no guarantee that any of them could load it up with enough thoroughbred dimepieces for my satisfaction.  This is where the genius of my plan really begins to shine through, because this beach wedding will actually be my wedding.  Let's break it down.

STEP 1 - Find A Bride

Before I do anything else, I need to find a bride.  I can't just marry any old lady and have a beach wedding with her for the sole purpose of showing off my body.  The plan depends on me finding a certifiable hottie for this.  I need an intelligent gal for this plan, so ideally, I'll find a girl with the looks of Jessica Alba and the brains of Albert Einstein, only hotter and smarter.  

Although I am usually against it, I will be completely honest with this girl about my plan.  This beach wedding will be mutually beneficial as it doesn't just give me a chance to show off my goods, but also will give my bride a chance to show off hers.  She may reason that she could show off her stuff by wearing a skimpy outfit to the club.  But when girls go skimpy at the clubs, they do not attract quality men like myself, they attract brutes and morons.  If we have a wedding, her and her hottie friends will be able to show off their stuff while maintaining a classy image and land a classy guy.

STEP 2 - Scout For Talent
This plan only works with two charismatic personalities.  I will be in charge of supplying this wedding with good looking eligible bachelors, and she will be in charge of finding an plethora of hotties looking for a good time.  We get as many attractive people as possible so the options are out of control.  Combining our efforts, we should be able to create the world's sexiest wedding. 

STEP 3 - Wedding Day

As many of you know, I am kind of a wedding expert.  We get the wedding done as quickly as possible, because this reception will be the party of the century.  My bride looks great, I look amazing, and everybody's focus is right where it should be, on us.  Let's face it, ladies love married dudes, and combined with my being shirtless, it will be plain for all the ladies to see that I am the quintessential male. 

To make this look legit, we will go through all the steps to make it like a real marriage, even stuffing the cake in each other’s faces.  This is where things get interesting.  Pretty soon, my bride and I are feeling pretty buzzed.  We're laughing and making jokes about being married until I casually drop a line about how we should check out the Honeymoon Suite.  She agrees, and once we make it up there, I make vigorous love on her.  When she finds out what a durable lover I am, she’ll realize I am the embodiment of perfection.  

You see, my plan was never so simple that I was just going to get intoxicated and make love on whatever women tickled my fancy.  I found the right woman right away, and I never had to wine and dine her, because we skipped right to the wedding.  I may be superficial, but I figure she’ll do for the next ten years, you know, until she starts showing the signs of aging.  Then it'll be time for her to hit the curb.  Tough break for her, but even after those ten years, I’ll still be a ripped machine, so I can easily repeat the process.   

Now that’s a true love story.

-Joe

P.S.  Yes, I realize this idea could be turned into a romantic comedy.

P.P.S.  Dave Bing may be the most polite mayor in the USA, but I really hope he changes his stance on this issue:

@mayordavebing Mayor Dave Bing

@MT There are not any plans to erect a statue to Robocop. Thank you for the suggestion.