Counterpoint: Five-Star Hotels Are Pretty Great

Last week, I talked about how five-star hotels are overrated. They're really expensive, and there's nothing that great that really stands out about them from a regular hotel that normal people stay at. I mean, all a hotel really comes down to is a bed and a shower with decent water pressure. As I said last week, there is no way it's worth hundreds of dollars extra a night.

Okay, so maybe there is a way. I stayed at a Ritz-Carlton this past weekend for work, and I've got to say, these people know what they are doing. Their staff was on point the entire time, and everything ran incredibly smooth throughout my entire stay. Since I work in events, I got to take full advantage of their top-notch customer service.

I was talking with one guy, and he asked if we needed anything. Since I'm easy to please, I couldn't think of anything as everything had pretty much gone as planned. He then asked again, and I assured him I didn't need anything. Since I am a slow person, he asked yet again, this time putting more emphasis on the word, "anything."

It was clear that this was not just an extra mint on the pillow. This was anything. It was at this point that I finally understood the appeal of a five-star hotel. I mean, different area codes, different rules, right? I mean, I'm a drug-free married guy, but I'm out of town, and what happens at the Ritz, stays at the Ritz. My mind began racing. What should I ask for first? Hookers? Cocaine? Either way, you know you're getting primo stuff. Like, no worries that your cocaine is going to be laced with meth if you're getting it through a Five-star hotel. And hookers, I mean, not only are they disease free, having sex with hookers this classy might actually cure chlamydia.

So, after much deliberation, I finally decided to tell him to get me...

Nothing. I'm still a simple dude who doesn't need much. At least other people I was with got sodas, but I literally had nothing that I wanted. Five-star hotels still aren't for me, but I now at least understand the appeal.

Jon Jones, Cocaine, And Greatness

I can't get over how great Jon Jones is. I really thought Daniel Cormier had what it took, but Jon Jones not only beat him; he outwrestled one of the best American wrestlers of the last fifteen years.

If you had asked me to create an ideal fighter eight years ago, I could not have created a fighter as good as Jon Jones. I would have said that the frame and skill-set would not be humanly possible. If you want a great wrestler, you can't have him be long and lanky too, because you need to be a powerhouse to be able to blast through takedowns. I couldn't have given a guy such effective elbow strikes, because elbow strikes that effective have never existed before. And I wouldn't have been able to give the guy that much explosive movement and cardio to last for days, because a guy who explodes into his attacks that much can't possibly do it for 25 minutes.

Jon Jones isn't fair. He's a fighting cheat code.

And now he's in rehab for his issues with cocaine

Honestly, it wouldn't be worrisome for me if it were nearly any other athlete. I have never done cocaine, but there was definitely a time in my life where I would have strongly considered it had it been there. I just hung out with a bunch of cheap drunks as opposed to them high-fallutin coke users. I know plenty of people who have done it and are completely normal guys and gals. The only issue is that Jon Jones seems to think he's invincible. The guy doesn't even entertain the thought that he could lose a fight, and he's proven that it is a preposterous idea. If he takes that attitude to every part of his life, and rumors indicate that he usually does, then it could be a sad ending.

Great athletes with that sort of self-confidence almost always have other vices outside of their sport. Too many to name had women as a vice, Jordan had gambling, and Lawrence Taylor, who may be the best comparison, had serious drug issues. Their belief in themselves is what makes them so great at their sport, but it's also what leads them to these other vices. It's tough to believe you're invincible in one aspect of life and not have it bleed into others.

Jon Jones may come across as a dick, but I want him to get over this drug issue and continue fighting. This is completely selfish on my part as Jon Jones is as good at mixed martial arts as anybody is at anything, and watching that sort of greatness is so rare and wonderful that it would be a shame if it didn't last for as long as he decided to do it.

I can just about guarantee that I will be rooting for his opponent in every single fight he has, but I still want the opportunity to watch him crush my hopes as many times as possible.

Good luck, Jon Jones, this is one fight I'll be hoping you win.

Sean O'Haire: Master of the Vignette

Last night, news came that Sean O'Haire had passed away. If you are not a wrestling fan, that name probably means very little to you. If you are a wrestling fan, you may still not know who that is. But if you do have strong memories of Sean O'Haire, it is almost certainly not for what he did in the ring, but for what he did outside of the ring.

In preparation of Sean O'Haire coming to the WWE with a new gimmick, they released a series of vignettes. They are, without a doubt, the greatest vignettes in WWE history. I can't remember how I found these videos as it was a dark period in my wrestling watching when these came to fruition. I am guessing my brother sent them to me, and if I found them first, I can guarantee I immediately sent them to my brother. 

Bray Wyatt was praised for his vignettes, because he came across as this diabolical cult leader. But when you think about it, Bray Wyatt isn't scary, because Bray Wyatt can't control you. He is a cult leader for hillbillies, not your normal everyday person. Sean O'Haire was the cult leader for your everyday person, because on its face, although you knew what he was saying was bad, it also kind of made sense.

Every video was pure magic, like this one on infidelity.


Or this one on drugs:



Or my personal favorite, his work on religion:


They are all brilliant. Delivered perfectly. That smug confidence that every standard that you hold yourself to is a farce while he offers true freedom that will not only make you happier, but will make those around you happier as well. They are hammered home with the perfect conclusion, "Hey, I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know."

This gimmick really never went anywhere, but these videos will live on forever. If you really want to see their impact, just look at the YouTube comments on these videos. They make people feel uncomfortable about their beliefs. It's amazing.

It's a weird thing in that my friends and I have laughed our asses off at these videos, as they were so brilliant, all you could do was sit back and appreciate it. I'm sure that we are not alone in our appreciation for Sean O'Haire, and I hope that he knew how great these videos were. On the internet, it's so easy to shit all over things that you don't like. But this was something I loved, and I never took the time to see if he had Twitter or Facebook to tell him how awesome these were. At just 43 years old, I could have assumed that I would have plenty of time, but I was never actually going to do it.

So, if you take one thing out of this, it's praise things that you actually enjoy to let the creators know that what they are doing is awesome. It may be an athlete, it may be a writer, or even an artist, but letting them know how great their work is will make both you and the creator feel better.

Hey, I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know.

How The WWE Could Have Made Breaking Bad Better

I just finished up Breaking Bad, and it was a great show. So great that it is hard to find any problems with the show. I felt totally satisfied with my viewing experience from beginning to end. Still, there is one way this show could have improved. They could have replaced all of the male characters with the members of the Nation of Domination. I know that sounds a tad extreme, but just hear me out. The actors were fantastic, but these guys would have made the show that much better.

1. Walter White should have been played by The Rock. I mean, if you want a badass chemistry teacher, there is really no better option than The Rock. There is very rarely a better option than The Rock.

He's so unassuming, yet still so badass. Also, a bald head, which shows the intensity of the chemotherapy. Truly an ideal option.

2. With Walter now being played by The Rock. Jesse Pinkman needs to be amped up a little bit. Who would make a perfect protege for Walt? Obviously D-Lo Brown.

He was known as a great European Champion, so it should be no problem for him to switch to a Chemistry Champion instead.

3. With just two tweaks, we've changed the whole dynamic of the show, which means that Hank now has to be more badass. This is the role Crush was born to play.

Also, the interracial composition of the family would really add to the drama.

4. This leads me to Gustavo Fring. He was a great leader, but he could have been a better leader. He could have been Farooq.

Woah, woah, woah. That came across as super racist. Let's try that again.

Much better.

5. Mike has to be the biggest badass on the show, so he will be played by Mark Henry.

Yep, that should work just fine.

6. But who would play Saul Goodman? Saul was cast nearly perfectly, and he was such a pimp throughout the show. Wait a minute, that gives me an idea.

You can't tell me that's not an award winning billboard.

7. But who could possibly play Walter Jr.? His inability to move or speak properly will be tough for anyone to replicate, but don't worry, I already know of someone who does both of those features naturally. This was the role Ahmed Johnson was born to play.

He's perfect. I'm so proud of this.

Let's Check In With Jose Canseco

So apparently Jose had a mild (by his standards) breakdown on Twitter on Friday night. Unfortunately, by the time I woke up on Saturday morning, the posts had been deleted, and outside of him giving out his ex-girlfriend's phone number and telling interested parties to bring weed if they wanted to enjoy her company, I'm really not too sure what else he said.

But one night of a meltdown is never enough, so let's check in on Jose and see how he's doing.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

I will never forget or forgive what u said to me leila ur evil

Okay, so apparently they're not back together. But what did she say? I was thinking about the worst things somebody could say to Jose Canseco, and these were the best I could come up with:

3. You are a terrible celebrity boxer.

2. Sandy Alderson called, he says you suck.

1. You'll never win a spelling bee.

If she said number three, I'd be disappointed in her, if it was two, I'd be impressed with her creativity, but if she said number one, that's just mean.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Be careful with woman who show off there tits and ass and think that's a career

I agree; there is a good chance they'll tell you that they can sex you for ten hours straight, but their version of sex is actually just them eating cupcakes. But that might just be a Midwest stripper thing.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Or have a bad drug problem u can't fix them

Wait, women with bad drug problems can't be spayed. Because if you can do it to a dog without its permission, I don't see why you can't do it to a woman without her permission. Avoid overpopulation, get your lady fixed today.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

Would love to meet a nice holesome midwest girl here in chicago. We play tomorrow night at 7 pm in zion if anyone is out there for me

Jose has really lowered his standards. He's gone from Madonna to "holesome" girls. I mean, if your only criteria is that a woman has multiple holes, you really shouldn't have too hard of a time finding a mate. I mean, I've heard that those LA women are surgically altered and everything, but the fact that Jose has to come to the Midwest to find a "holesome" girl makes me very worried about what surgeries are actually happening out west.

@JoseCanseco Jose Canseco

wholesome

Oh, I guess that makes more sense.

-Joe

P.S. This is an excellent way to propose to your main squeeze:

Jenkem: A Shitty High

I am absolutely fascinated at the lengths that people will go to just to get messed up. I really thought that i-Dosing would be the weirdest thing way that people were getting high, but Jenkem takes a shit on that idea. During a fantasy baseball e-mail exchange, a friend notified me of this new huffing phenomenon that was able to get people high. They have moved past huffing glue, paint, or Pam, and have moved onto something much more vile.

Jenkem, or as the kids are calling it, butt hash, is the act of mixing urine and fecal matter into a bottle. You then put a balloon over the top of the bottle and wait. When the gas fills up the balloon, you carefully remove it from the bottle and huff the gas giving you a pooptastic high that is similar to cocaine with hallucinations. Jenkem sounds like the shit.

Fox News, always reliable, reported this story:

I know what you're thinking: Who would huff their own poop? As much as I wish I could tell you differently, the answer is apparently very few people. A New Zealand news report proves it as a myth, although some idiot teenagers did try it after seeing the news report, because teenagers are dumb and easily influenced.

Although the fact that this is a myth is very disappointing, you can still show your friends the Fox News report and try to trick them into trying it. They probably won't get high, but I'm assuming you'll see some hilarious projective vomit.

-Joe

P.S. Although Jenkem is a myth, Derrick Rose's greatness is not. Here is an excellent story about Derrick Rose growing up.

Everything You Need To Know About i-Dosing

There is a new drug craze sweeping the nation, and I, for one, am excited as all hell about it.  It's called i-Dosing, and it's the act of taking digital drugs.  What are digital drugs?  I'm so glad you asked.  Here is a news report that should help better explain the phenomenon.

Yep, you just listen to music/sound/noise, and you get high.  I guess I understand this phenomenon.  Teenagers are always looking for ways to get messed up.  They used to huff paint, then they started chugging bottles of Robitussin, and now we have i-Dosing.  And although I never huffed paint or Robo-tripped, I felt like the world of Digital Drugs was something I needed to dive into. 

Obviously, taking drugs is extremely dangerous, and I took that very seriously.  Hence, I took the necessary precautions to ensure my safety.  As opposed to doing this alone, I made sure that my brother's dog, Ollie, was there to watch over me.  He was sleeping at the time, and he's only 18 pounds, but he does have a degree from Canine Craze, so I'm assuming that entailed at least some drug training.  As always, safety first.

So what was it like?

I have to admit, I only lasted a couple minutes before I cut my experiment short.  The noises were annoying; I'll give them that, but they had no affect on me.  On the other hand, I looked over and Ollie looked confused as all hell.  This may have been because it woke him up during his morning nap, or these digital drugs may have more affect on dogs.  Since I didn't have a waiver signed by Ollie for this experiment, I had to cut things short.  I would call my results inconclusive.

But could this be the future, and should we have seen this coming?  The answer to both of those questions is a resounding yes.  Since there is an artsy side to my rugged exterior, I am familiar with a futuristic documentary called Demolition Man.  It is about one of the world's great heroes, John Spartan, as he saves the world from the evil Simon Phoenix.  That's not what I want to focus on though; I want to focus on what sex looks like in the future.

Yep, this is basically exactly like digital drugs, only it's digital sex.  It's finding a way to alter our brain waves to stimulate the mind.  I wouldn't be so worried if this was the only sign that we are headed towards a Demolition Man future. Check out this scene for another look into our future.

And does anybody doubt that we are headed towards a future where Taco Bell is the only restaurant?  They are currently able to offer four times the steak of other restaurants.  The restaurant wars have begun, and my money isn't on Pizza Hut.  If all restaurants are knocked out besides Taco Bell, we have to do everything in our powers to kill Wesley Snipes Simon Phoenix.

I think John Spartan would agree that digital drugs are the lamest thing since sparkling vampires.  We don't want a future with digital sex; we are men who enjoy boning, aka the wild mamba, aka the hunka chunka.  I know you digital world pussies are concerned about being destroyed by Simon Phoenix, but don't worry, me and John Spartan will be around to pleasure your women and save the day.

-Joe

P.S.  West Coast Dance.

Mustaine: A Heavy Metal Book Review

I am a fan of heavy metal music.  It is the ideal music to listen to when going out for a run, because it's fast, hard, and most songs talk about killing and pain.  There's no better way to keep yourself pumped up while getting your run on.  Dave Mustaine is the lead singer of Megadeth, and I'll admit that I'm a fan of their work.  Not an avid fan, but I can enjoy their music under the right circumstances.  

Going into this, I knew a book about Dave Mustaine is going to rock.  Back in the day, people called Metallica "Alcoholica" for how hard they partied.  Dave Mustaine got kicked out of Metallica for partying too hard.  That is when you know you are a badass.  

I have decided to include some of my favorite quotes from the book which should be all the evidence you need that this is a book you need to read.  

“You go to Salt Lake City, the pristine capital of the most morally upright of states, and discover there’s a reason the rock stars call it Salt Lick City.”

I never thought I'd say this, but who wants to go party with me in Salt Lake City?

“Pretty soon you’re trying to decide which of the proverbial bulls you want to be:  the one that charges down the hill, full speed, and fucks the first cow he meets, or the one who saunters down the hill slowly and fucks them all.”

If I ever give a speech for a wedding, engagement, or even a Baptism, I am going to try my hardest to work this quote in there.  I might even get back in Big Brothers Big Sisters just so I can share this advice with an impressionable youngster.

Dave Mustaine paid his guitar player to go to AA meetings for him.

This actually led to Megadeth's guitar player getting sober.  Meanwhile, Dave Mustaine had approximately 1300 visits to rehab before finally cleaning up his act a couple years ago.

"I enjoyed the party, but I also liked the sex, and the power that came with it.  For me, standing up onstage, with a sea of guys chanting my name and their girlfriends eager to take off their clothes for me, was the ultimate vindication." 

This is totally how I feel about blogging.  This just confirms my suspicion that there's really not much of a difference between writing a blog and being a rock star. 

 

“He likes to pour A1 steak sauce on my pussy before giving me head.”

I've tried A1 on a lot of things, and I think this settles the debate:  There is nothing that A1 does not make better.

Overall, Mustaine is honest in his opinions on everything.  Do they mostly lean towards him being right?  Of course they do.  Does it make Metallica look like assholes?  Of course it does, but that’s honestly what he believes (and wouldn’t surprise me if that was entirely true).  Does it even get a little preachy towards the end when he speaks of finding God?  Yeah, that part doesn't come across as very metal, but at least he's honest and not putting up a front to look cooler (Because, let's face it, Christianity has never won anybody any cool points) and the honesty of his thoughts is what makes this book an enjoyable read.  

I'd give this book a 9, but that's on a scale of 11, because this book is about metal.

-Joe

P.S.  Although Dave Mustaine is as metal as it gets, Ryan Pickett and those nancies on the Packers are as unmetal as it gets since he and some of his buddies in the NFL are on an anti-porn crusade.  That's right, anti-porn.  Just another reason to hate Green Bay.