I Officiated a Wedding

Many months ago, I was asked to officiate a wedding for two friends. I accepted without giving it much thought, because I think it's always a good idea to do what is necessary to make a bride happy on her wedding day. If they would have asked me to come up with a choreographed fire dance, I would have done that too, but I'm really glad that it was just officiating, as this job didn't lead to third degree burns. It almost did, but we'll get to that later.

In advance of the wedding, I got ordained through the American Marriage Ministries. It was super easy, like to the point where I thought it was too easy, and I was really questioning whether I had read everything correctly. I kept reading everything through, and it all seemed legit, so I really hope that I was properly ordained as a minister, and if not, then I am super sorry to the married (well, I guess still not married) couple.

So becoming an ordained minister, even if it's simple, seems like it should be some sort of religious experience. It was definitely not that for me. I have an open mind when it comes to religion; if it makes you happy and a decent person, great, but it personally doesn't mean anything to me, so I don't really practice it. Well, the script I was given by the happy couple contained a whole shitload of Jesus. For me, I would say it was an uncomfortable amount of Jesus; hell, they even mentioned Paul, and I think he was one of the writers of the bible - that's a deep cut. But ultimately, it was there day, so if my sacrilegious activities led to my eternal damnation, then so be it.

But before I could join these two in the holiest of matrimonies, the Matron of Honor volunteered me to drive people around during the day before the ceremony, so ladies could get their hair and makeup done, and people could be chauffered for pictures. I would have straight up told the MoH to mind her own business, but she also happens to be my wife, so what she says goes. Things did not start smoothly, as my second pickup was all of the bridesmaids, and they were so loud. I wanted to tell them to chill out, but if there's one thing crappy romantic comedies have taught me is that weddings make the ladies go cray cray. I stayed quiet and smiled, just like the little bitch boy they wanted me to be. Luckily, things quieted down after that. The only unfortunate thing is they did not build in enough time for me to get intoxicated before I started officiating; hell, they barely gave me enough time to shower, but as a newly formed man of God, I did my duty.

But no good officiating story would be complete without me fucking something up, so, yeah, I delayed the start of the ceremony. So, here's the deal: They decided to have a candle lit ceremony. This meant that reading was going to be an issue, but I had bigger fish to fry as I was supposed to get the microphone set up. Why I was doing this instead of the wedding planner is beyond me, but I didn't think to ask questions as I am a man of action.

Unfortunately, as I was trying to get the microphone set up, I wasn't paying attention to where I was stepping, and I managed to kick over three candles. There was no fire to worry about, just some broken glass, so I figured, ah, not ideal, but no big deal. What I did not notice is that when I kicked over the candles, my left shoe and pant leg had become covered in candle wax. It was not unnoticeable. So, I left the wedding planner to get the mic set up while I ran to the bathroom to start scraping wax off of my pant leg and shoe with wet paper towels. It wasn't the smoothest operation, but I got most of it off before the wedding planner came in and told me that they were just waiting on me to start the ceremony.

So I walked that aisle as I styled and profiled, but something was amiss. When I walked up the aisle, I noticed that the microphone was about 10 feet behind where the couple was standing. They brought a corded microphone that would not come close to actually reaching where I needed to stand. I confirmed that this was as far as the cord stretched and decided I would utilize my booming voice instead of relying on a microphone. I just wish I would have known that before I spilled wax all over myself in efforts for a microphone that was useless.

But then I delivered the words that were provided, put a little bit of extra personality on it, and joined people in the holiest of matrimonies, even if I knew God wanted to strike me down for it. But I persevered, and although God tried to burn me, I knew that I could overcome anything due to that old saying, "Wax on, wax off."

Breaking Down the Chicago Bears Fourth Round Pick: Miami Safety - Deon Bush

The NFL Draft has come and gone, and it appears that the Bears have a plan in place. Did I agree with that plan at every twist and turn? No, not really, but I also really enjoyed some of their moves so it all balances out. And they were active, and that definitely made for an exciting weekend. But what's done is done. The picks I like will obviously work out, and hopefully my genius fails me on the picks that I didn't like. So far, I have had the chance to break down:

First Round Pick: Leonard Floyd, Linebacker, Georgia
Second Round Pick: Cody Whitehair, Offensive Guard, Kansas State
Third Round Pick: Jonathan Bullard, Defensive Lineman, Florida
Fourth Round Pick: Nick Kwiatkoski, Linebacker, West Virginia

And today, we take a look at the Bears second fourth-round pick, Deon Bush, a safety out of Miami. As you probably could have guessed from a fourth round safety, he's not some incredible athlete that set the combine on fire. He is nothing special athletically, but doesn't look to be a liability either. Safety is always a tough position to evaluate, as they aren't even on camera half the time from the normal television feed. Luckily, the good people over at Draft Breakdown had the tape from his games against Virginia Tech, Pittsburgh, and Nebraska.

One of Bush's strengths as a safety is that he can come up and make a hit when necessary. There were a few examples where he worked through blocks to impact a running play. This was one where he took the easy way out and just avoided the fullback and took down the quarterback on this failed sweep attempt.

More importantly, he'll lay the wood on a receiver going over the middle.

If that isn't Tyler Boyd going across the middle, that's probably going to be an incomplete pass.

And here's an example of that.

As you can see, for a less talented (white) receiver, they aren't able to hold onto the ball, as he does a very good job of breaking downfield on the receiver and knocking the ball loose.

Maybe the most impressive aspect of Bush is that he clearly has Jesus Christ himself doing him favors.

You can work hard as a safety to make great plays, but it always helps to have the Big Guy on your side.

As I stated, safety tape is limited. Still, from what Bush showed in these games, he has the ability to be a successful safety in the NFL. His athleticism isn't great, but his instincts seem to be there. With the Bears lack of talent on the defensive side of the ball, Bush has the ability to come in and start on day one. I don't think there's pro bowls in his future, but even without elite athleticism, I think he has enough instincts to not be a liability in the secondary. Worst case, he's a special teams contributor, which means he is exactly the type of player you're hoping to find in the middle of the draft. 

We Need To Talk About DJ MuscleBoy's "MuscleBells"

The holidays may be over, but there is still some brilliance trickling out from this joyous season. One of these things is DJ MuscleBoy's Christmas hit, "MuscleBells." If you're anything like me, you are sick and tired of all those tired Christmas songs about weaklings. Christmas is not a holiday for the weak; it's one for the strong, and finally DJ MuscleBoy has supplied us with our anthem.

There is a lot to take in during this video. Let's address the elephant in the room: Hot chicks. There are good looking women in this video and closeups of just about every part of their anatomy. Bravo to the director of the video. I really can't offer much more insight on that regard, but I have thoughts about many other things in this video.

Let's start at the beginning. Santa Claus is looking into the distance. For what? A child in need? A homeless shelter to bring joy to?

Oh no, he's looking for a barbell, because you bet your ass it is time to do some dead lifts.

This establishes everything for the video. Some other highlights include:

DJ MuscleBoy is really getting into the Santa character as he is handing out supps that would make even the jolly guy slightly envious. Boys, ladies, everybody gets to get a premium pump this holiday season.

There isn't much that actually has to do with a Christmas in this song, but he does drop some great one liners. Let's rank the top three.

3. "Who needs Jingle Bells when you have dumbbells?"
This is an excellent question, and I hereby announce my support the abolishment of Jingle Bells. If somebody wants to play Jingle Bells, point them to the dumbbells and improve their life for the better.

2. "Drop the bass Jesus"
This one is put as a hashtag for the song, and it seems pretty positive for Jesus. Maybe this is a religious song?

1. "Goddamn, that's a muscular Jesus...come on Jesus, pump the Goddamn weight."
So, yeah...I don't think this is a religious song. It seems that it was rather needless to use the Lord's name in vein twice, but he did it. At first, he at least compliments Jesus, but he quickly follows that up by saying that Jesus needs to give him more in the weight room. But everybody knows that Jesus was not a mass guy, he was a wiry strength guy.

That's all great, but nothing compares to him acting as Santa. He goes into a baby's room, and gives that little baby boy a present.

Yep, he just gave that baby Anabolic Freak, a testosterone/hormone stimulator. It would have been more responsible to give that baby unmarked needles and let the kid go wild. But this is not about responsibility, this is about gains, and that baby is about to be jacked to the gills.

I know that Christmas may have come and gone, but this song is great year-round. New Year's Day? More like New Year's Gains.  More like Valentine's Day? More Like MAXentine's Day. St. Patrick's Day? That one's easy, St. Lat Raise Day. The list goes on and on. So eat right, supp right, and lift everything in sight.

I Hate Wine

I hate wine so much. It is the worst. I think back to the legendary Jesus tale where he turned a barrel of water into wine, and when I was a child, I used to think it was awesome, but now I hate that story. I would have been so pissed had I just wanted a glass of water and instead I got some Pinot Grigio instead. Even if Jesus had done this after he died for our sins, I still would have taken a sip, and said, "Thanks for nothing, Jesus." He would have been so hurt at my emphasis on nothing, and I probably would have felt bad about it later, but seriously, some people just want a glass of water so we don't get hungover the next day, and it's a real dick move to deprive me of that opportunity.

Um, I did not know that I was going to go in that direction. Let's try to get back on track.

I am getting married, and everyone on both sides of the family seems to think wine is awesome. I disagree, as I don't like the taste, and really, don't even like the idea of wine. But they go to wineries and live it up. And you know what? Good for them. I am happy that they are enjoying life, as I don't ever want to deprive people of a good time. But you know what is not sold at wineries? Natural Light. And I'm pretty sure it's frowned upon to come waltzing into a winery with a 30 pack of Natties on your shoulder. Sorry I like to party.

Wine also takes up a lot of valuable real estate. These wine drinkers open up a bottle and have a glass. They then put a cork in the wine and put it in the fridge. The next night (or even worse, that same night), they grab a different bottle and have a glass of that, put a cork in that and put it in the fridge. Pretty soon, we have three bottles of wine taking up valuable real estate in the fridge. It's not like I drink half a Natty Light and then have a Brooklyn Winter Ale (practically the same beers) before corking them and putting them in the fridge for later use. Because of all this wine, my milk no longer has its special area inside the door. I understand that it is illogical for me to be mad that I have to put my milk in a different spot in the fridge, but this is the type of stuff that really grinds my gears.

So if you love wine, good for you, you should keep drinking it, because it makes you happy. But if you could do me a favor and just finish one bottle before starting another, it would probably lead to world peace. If you have two bottles open at once, don't come complaining to me when another war starts; that one's on you.

Me And You Can't Date

There is nothing I love more than the people of Twitter. They are so amazingly stupid that they never cease to bring a smile to my face. A brilliant hashtag happened on Twitter last night. It was titled #MeAndYouCantDate. It is brilliant not only in its horrible assault on the English language, but also because it was an absolute goldmine for material.

MogulTweetz Charles Wolford III 

If at any point I feel myself giving you the position in my life that belongs to God. #MeAndYouCantDate #NoFalseIdols

This one made me laugh way too hard, because Charles Wolford III is being serious. He is literally setting his sights on a girl that he only likes a little bit. If he loves her, she might take God's spot, and if he thinks a girl is really amazing, he's going to have to give her the boot. This is one of those religious freaks that doesn't love Jesus, he's IN love with Jesus. Remember Charles, no false idols, and no, Jesus does not reside in your right hand.

JussArniie Arniie` 

#MeAndYouCantDate If I dress better then you, I`m just saying

I put this one in as a brain teaser, because Amile refuses to date people who dress worse than her, but what if everyone had this rule? Nobody could date anyone. If you dressed better than a person, you wouldn't date them, but if you found someone who dressed better than you, they'd never date you. I'm just saying.

Prettyboyynonso Nonso Emmanuel 

#MeAndYouCantDate if i heard you had STDS ...because most likely rumors are true!!

What is STDS? Is it like PTSD? because if so, that's kind of fucked up, Nonso Emmanuel. I mean, yeah, I might have trouble dating a girl who dove under the table anytime she heard a firecracker. I certainly wouldn't eliminate them from contention altogether. I'd hate to miss out on a thoroughbred dimepiece just because she doesn't want to get shot. Honestly, I don't want to get shot either. I am curious what he means about the rumors though. Are people with PTSD terrible in bed, or are they freaky as shit? I'll assume they get freak nasty. And now, instead of being scared, I'm actually going to start exclusively pursuing thoroughbred dimepieces with PTSD or as he likes to call it STDS. Bow Chicka Wow Wow.

itslovatoswag p i c k l e ! 

#MeAndYouCantDate because you're not Demi Lovato and she's the one for me. <3

These are the type of people that terrify me. I have a lot of celebrity crushes, but I am not eliminating all other women from my life for them. I am an incredibly arrogant person, so it's not at all that I think my celebrity crushes are out of my league. I am fully convinced that if I ran into Trish Stratus, Jessica Alba, or Brittany Snow, I could bed them. There's no doubt in my mind. Why wouldn't they want to have sex with me? But even after I make vigorous love on them, there probably won't be enough common interests to facilitate a relationship. This guy is swearing off all women so he can get with Demi Lovato. That's creepy as shit and horribly pathetic. I'm also pretty sure that this isn't the first celebrity he has stalked, unless his real name actually is "Pickle!", but I'm guessing it's not.

beckyYDG silly wanker. ⚓ 

#meandyoucantdate if you like blood on the dance floor.

Wait, what? I don't know what this means, but my mind is working at warp speed trying to figure out a way to get blood on the dance floor to maximize the fierceness of my West Coast Dance moves. If anybody likes blood on the dance floor, let me know. I'm curious how you work that into your moves. This could be the greatest contribution to dance moves since glo-vests.

Philip_W_Thomas Philip W Thomas 

#MeAndYouCantDate If YOU open your legs and tuna fish comes out

Philip, this is your 40 year old virgin moment. You basically just said that her boob felt like a bag of sand. I'm 110% sure that you have never been with a woman. When people talk about tuna fish and a woman's vagina, it doesn't mean that there are actually tuna swimming up in the woman's vagina, it's just a similar smell for some women. You can open up every girl's legs on the planet, and you really don't need to worry about tuna coming to attack your face.

Without the fear of Charlie the Tuna coming to attack you, I'm sure that you'll be reeling the ladies in.

-Joe

P.S. This is a little late, but Braves Acceptance guy makes me laugh every time I look at him.

The Most Overrated Prospects In Baseball: Part 1

Through my first year on the blog, what was the one thing that got overwhelmingly negative feedback?  Prospect analysis.  That's why I'm bringing it back this year bitches.  Luckily for the haters, undertaking an endeavor as large as analyzing all 100 of Baseball America's top prospects proved to be way too much work for a repeat performance.  So I figured I'd shorten up my work and give you the ten prospects that I think are overrated and the ten that are underrated.  I'll start with the overrated, because it's fun to depress fans of certain teams and it's so much easier to hate than it is to love (Poetic, I know).

For clarity, I will list their name, position, organization, and the highest ranking I have seen them in a Top 100 list.

10.  Jonathan Singleton - 1B - Phillies - Highest Ranking:  11th
This one could end up making me look like a jackass, I'll admit that.  I don't have a ton of confidence from what I have read from scouting reports, and his numbers were rather impressive.  But this is a gut feeling.  He absolutely crushed the ball the first half of the year in Low-A, but then was pretty awful in the second half.  Most people have said that he just wasn't ready for the grind of a minor league season.  For his sake, I hope that's the case.  But I'm a big believer in that if you are a first base prospect, you need to crush the ball, and never stop crushing the ball, because anybody can play first base, but you really can't play anywhere else.

9.  Mike Minor - SP - Braves - Highest Ranking:  11
Minor was seen as an overdraft when the Braves took him in the top 10 in the draft a couple years ago.  Then he decided to add a few MPH on his pitches, and people got really excited.  For good reason, things that go fast are way cooler than things that go slow.  Plus, he struck out over a batter per inning in the minors, so that's another reason to think he's really groovy.  Shit, I'm starting to like him more and more.  Anyway, his pitches aren't that good, so he's not somebody who should be a top 20 prospect.

8.  Jose Iglesias - SS - Red Sox - Highest Ranking:  29th
It's not so much that I hate Jose Iglesias, it's that I hate the idea of Jose Iglesias.  There is always a Jose Iglesias rated too high on prospect lists.  Before him, it was Alcides Escobar (last year's most overrated prospect), and before that it was Chin-lung Hu.  It goes on and on way back to year 33 when Jesus ranked Judas way too high on his disciple list (To be fair, Judas had character concerns on top of questions about his bat).  They are the guys who are amazing fielders, but can't hit.  People dream, and say if they can just be an average hitter, they'll be a winning player for a team.  But guess what.  It's really tough to hit major league pitching.  These guys with no pop but good control of the strike zone just get overpowered as they move up to higher levels.  If Iglesias reaches his ceiling, he becomes an average hitter and a great defender at shortstop.  What is that worth?  I don't know, and neither does anybody else, because as much progress that has been made in valuing defensive contributions, there's still a lot of question marks.  There is no way this is a Top-50 Prospect.

7.  Matt Dominguez - 3B - Marlins - Highest Ranking:  21st
He is exactly like Jose Iglesias, except he's not a good enough defender to play shorstop, so he's just a really good defensive third baseman, hence way less valuable.  He hits better than a shortstop, but if everything pans out, he'll be an average hitter at a position where you need an above average bat.  Pass.

6.  Aaron Hicks - CF - Twins - Highest Ranking:  10th
I like toolsy prospects, so Hicks is a tough guy to hate on, but it is a necessity.  Everybody's got him fairly high, but I think 10th is absolutely ridiculous.  He still has a ridiculously high ceiling, but he had his second year at Low-A and still didn't come close to dominating the level.  I mean, he was solid, but for a guy that are expecting such big things from, he certainly stand out.  If he actualizes the tools, he could be great, but I don't see that happening, and at best, he's about 50 spots too high.

And that's all for today, but I'll be back next week for 5-1 of the most overrated prospects in the game.

-Joe

P.S.  This may be old, and Deadspin may have already posted it this week, and Valentine's Day may be over, but Delonte West on love is maybe the greatest thing ever.